Main Reviews #8: Foundations (spoiler warning) · 4:09pm Oct 29th, 2014
Wait a minute... This isn't Sunshine and Fire! 
Yeah, about that... you know what? This is my blog and I'll do what I want to. And right now I want to review Foundations, by PaulAsaran. This dude has a pretty good track record with me so far—hell, I've edited a long-runner and three of his mini-stories—so I'm expecting big things. Let-sa go!
Author: PaulAsaran
Synopsis:
Rainbow Dash means the world to Scootaloo, who wants nothing more than to spend every day with her surrogate sister, learning from the best and being awesome together. Yet all that is about to end, possibly forever, and Scootaloo knows there's nothing she can do about it.
The only thing left to do is say goodbye... but that's proving far harder than she ever imagined.
Current length: 8,751 words (one-shot)
Status: Complete
Review: This isn't the first of Paul's stories that I've reviewed (in fact, my Review #7 happens to also be a PA story, Twilight's Inferno). If you caught that review, or have read any of his stories for yourself, then you should know what I expect going into another one of his. Can he write a Slice of Life as well as he can write a tragedy, or a dark, or even a romance?
Well... it's definitely a solid effort. Paul tackles a rather oft-told and clichéd subject matter (a ScootaDash fluff story) but manages to put a spin on it that I've personally never seen before: that of Scootaloo and Rainbow's relationship as sisters. "But wait! Hasn't that been done to death?" I hear you ask, and I answer with a "Yes." It features Scootaloo wishing she could spend more time with Rainbow, and desiring to be just as awesome as her someday. "Oh yeah, like nobody's ever touched on that," go the naysayers again. "True," I respond. But answer me this: where have you ever seen Scootaloo feeling pissed off and betrayed by Rainbow— "Transcendence!" you all cry again —due to her being happily married and about to have a baby?
*crickets chirping*
Yeah, I thought so.
Anyway, according to the Author's note, this story takes place approximately two years after the current events of canon (hiatus between season 4 and 5, for future reference). Scootaloo is supposedly a teenage pegasus now (Paul's headcanon puts her at about 14-16, not far from mine but still a bit older) and has been close to Rainbow Dash for, well, however long it's been in canon plus two years, I guess. Ever idolising her hero, we enter the story with Scootaloo practicing some complex stunts on a bicycle (she's graduated from her ye-olde-faithful scooter, it seems), when she promptly buggers one up and comes crashing down. It's little quirks like this about Paul's writing that remind me he likes to think outside the box; it's normal in fanfics (at least the ones I've read) for Scootaloo to be this perfect little stuntpony that can pull off any trick effortlessly. Here, she shows that despite it being her special talent, that doesn't make her perfect at it, much like it took Rainbow Dash hundreds of attempts to consciously break the sound barrier in Sonic Rainboom.
Things come to a head quickly as Scootaloo's friends rock up and tell her that Rainbow wants to see her... in the hospital. Now, for a lot of readers yet unaware of the story's contents, I imagine this triggered a lot of warning bells. The cover art, the synopsis, the wording here... it all seems to point to some huge deal, like Rainbow having some kind of incurable disease or having suffered mortal wounds. It's very deceptive (intentionally, apparently) but it immediately makes the reader sit up and pay attention.
So, Scootaloo chucks a wobbly and cuts sick at her friends when they insist she heed Rainbow's wishes. It's at this point we wonder: why? Aren't Scoots and Rainbow like, really close and stuff? Why would Scoots be all angry and refuse to see Rainbow in the hospital, especially at her request? Oh man, tell me she's not—
Dying? Sweet Celestia, no, although you are meant to think that. It's very sneaky.
So, as we progress through the story, we're taken on a ride along with Scootaloo for a few more paragraphs as she does her level best to distract herself from the situation. Until this point, whenever we've read about Scoots performing some actions or stunts, we "hear" Rainbow's voice in the back of her mind as she relives previous experiences and lessons. So even when she is pissed at Rainbow, she still seems to take some form of comfort in remembering how they used to be. Interesting. Selective memories ftw!
Of course, it's not all gonna last. She tires, she rests, she returns to brooding. A brief altercation with Soarin (Rainbow's husband) does nothing to improve her mood. But something really cool starts to happen here, something I found myself squeeing over: Fluttershy drops by to give Scoots a pep-talk, but more importantly, she doesn't flat out try to convince her to go and see Rainbow. Instead, the exchange that follows is some of the best-characterised Fluttershy I've ever read. She's calm, gentle, understanding, but also shows a semi-fierce side to her that many fic-writers tend to either forget exists, or overdo it with. Paul has struck a brilliant balance between her calm, serene self, and her assertive, forward inner strength, and for that I applaud him 
(the above paragraph is in no way related to the fact that Fluttershy is Best Pony, and is in fact completely unbiased 
).
Now rethinking their scenario and how things came to be, Scootaloo works up the courage to at least try to visit Rainbow in the hospital. She creeps into Rainbow's room, where she finds Rainbow fast asleep and Soarin passed out on a couch nearby. The internal struggle inside Scootaloo (shown remarkably well) is raging by this point. She sees a photograph, reminding her of older times, happier times... and then she lays eyes on Rainbow's brand new baby colt. You can just feel the levee of hatred and resentment beginning to break.
"Leaving so soon?"
I'll be completely honest here: I read that line in Falkor's (Luckdragon from Neverending Story) voice before I read it as Rainbow's. But it's those three words that turn the tide of the entire story. The entire plethora of both ponies' emotions spews forth as the next few thousand words fly by. Not to say that it's poorly written (because it's not) but most of the exchange between Scoots and Rainbow is pretty predictable. Still, the ending is strong, and overall the story was enjoyable for the most part. The ending revelations were quite a "d'awww" moment when I read what Rainbow wanted from Scootaloo. It really served to bind their relationship stronger than ever.
Alas, every story has its weaknesses. Below, I detail some of the more severe ones that I personally have a seething hatred for.
Examples of Phantom Body Part Syndrome:
The wind swept Scootaloo’s mane back as her wings flapped
Her foreleg reached for the handlebars
Her hoof reached down to touch the tire
etcetera. Now this is fine sometimes, like if you were to say "her eyes widened with alarm"... but having this repeatedly throughout a story becomes annoying to read. The reason is because a person/pony's body parts are a part of their body as a whole. They are attached to something, controlled by a brain, nerves, muscles, the brain... When you repeatedly describe body parts moving around seemingly with a mind of their own, it gives a disconnecting feel, like the movement was involuntary on the subject's part (and in some cases, it is, like when you are startled, or you trip over or something). The majority of the time, you can say (and it is better to anyway) that the subject made the movement, and we can generally tell what body part they made said movement with. If I say "I reached" you would assume I meant with my arm, yes? So there's no reason for me to specify "my arm reached."
Now I know that an author is perfectly entitled to write whatever they want, and that they may have valid, legitimate reasons for doing so. But there's one thing in this story that bothers me a lot more than I really think it should:
Sweetie had been brought along for the ride. Even her microphone cutie mark was barely visible from the grit.
[Apple Bloom] too was covered in dirt, but less so than the others; her blank flank was clear for all to see.
[Rainbow Dash to Scootaloo in the hospital] If your wings made me cry, your cutie mark made me melt.
What do you have against poor widdle Apple Bwoom? 
Why can't she have a mark?
Also, what's with this?
“Well, ya found me.” Scoots waved to the obstacle course. “If ya’d used yer brains, ya might have realized right away I’d be here. So what’s up?”
Scoots suddenly has an Apple-family-like accent? That just as suddenly vanishes in her next talking piece and doesn't reappear? What?
And here we come to an issue that I've had with Paul's writing from day one of editing Trixie vs Equestria... almost a year ago (wow!): Passive. Voice.
her path was obscured by Apple Bloom.
How I hate passive voice, with an active passion.
Slowly, the feathers were realigned
I really
It was getting low on the horizon.
really
Fluttershy was watching her,
really
Her gut was filled with those pins and needles again
hate Passive Voice.
Look, I can't say this any harder. When I read a story, I want to be drawn into the story. I want to be a part of it, be there with the characters as things happen. Active Voice keeps me in the action, with quotes and situations feeling like they're playing out as I read. Active Voice lets me believe I'm experiencing the words before my eyes at the same time as, with the characters. Active Voice immerses me in the picture the story is trying to paint, like I'm Mario jumping through an oil painting and living out the depiction.
Passive Voice tells me that something has already happened. It is a recount. It reminds me that I am in fact reading a story about something already gone, already a thing of the past. Every occurrence of it pulls me from the painting like some inter-dimensional vacuum cleaner, reminds me that what I'm experiencing is just words, and not actions. It makes for a less-than-satisfactory read overall, particularly with how often it occurs in this short one-shot. The only thing that kills my immersion in a story more than Passive Voice is Tense Switching (past-to-present or back again, or any combination with future too). Those occur in the story as well, though mercifully uncommon.
Please don't tell me that Passive Voice "isn't a thing and should have no bearing on how you enjoy a story," because it freaking does, and the majority will agree with me, be they uneducated or of advanced and superior skills to me. Here's a quote from another reader to back me up:
"I didn't make it to the end. I had to fight to keep from skimming, and it was too much of a chore that I wasn't enjoying it."
Such is the debilitating power of Passive Voice. Please, Paul, learn from this; learn to "activate" your writing voice.
The final thing that really bugs me can be summed up with this section right here:
A hoof reached over to touch her leg. “I don’t understand. You’ve been at this for months, Scoots. What’s so terrible about me becoming a mom?”
To quote another fellow reader again:
"It should have become a problem for Scootaloo long before the date of the birth, and that her friends likely wouldn't have let it fester. Heck, Rainbow wouldn't have let it fester. It feels like all the conflict comes down on the date of the birth because it increases the tension artificially."
I thought along these lines too when I got far enough in to realise what was happening. Although this is somewhat explained near the end:
“Scoots… is that what you’ve been worried about all these months? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know,” she confessed. “I guess… because you were so happy. I sorta felt like I’d be butting in on that. I was mad, yeah, but I didn’t want to ruin this for you.”
So, instead of ruining the baby being born and making that a bad thing... she said nothing and almost let this become a reality anyway? I don't buy it. It feels like a weak, flimsy explanation.
All in all, this is a well-written story that deals with a concept not-yet-seen in the over-saturated "ScootaDash Fluff" genre. It gets points for being strong, giving a powerful message about family and loyalty, as well as learning to accept inevitable changes in life. Rainbow acts nice and mature while still remaining in character, Fluttershy was MVP brilliantly done as well, and the story is definitely worth a read. It's just a pity it suffers from pitfalls that the author, after having written so many stories, remains blissfully (or deliberately) unaware of even now.
Foundations gets a 7/10 from me. While still a good piece that's worth checking out, especially if you love ScootaDash Fluff, I found it not as enjoyable as other stories of his, like Audience of One, A Figment of Her Imagination, Trixie vs Equestria, or the absolutely stellar but incredibly intimidating Twilight's Inferno. If you want Paul's best work, they are better bets.
To be perfectly honest, I merely skimmed the 'Passive vs. Active Voice' part of this review, which went on way too long about an issue I continue to struggle with and thus have heard over and over again for over two years. It's not that I disagree with the arguments, it's just that I'm tired of hearing them. I'm trying, okay? Believe me, it's not deliberate. I just keep missing it when I do it because, unlike apparently everyone else in existence, I don't get disengaged because of it.
Regarding Apple Bloom, I thought it would be more interesting on the whole if at least one of the Crusaders didn't have a cutie mark yet. Letting them all have one felt too... expected. It made the most sense to me to pick Apple Bloom; as the original Crusader, there's a strange sense of 'right' to me that she would earn hers last. Apparently the plan worked, 'cause you're talking about it.
Phantom Body Part Syndrome. I've never heard it referred to that way. *stores in memory banks* Anyway, this is an issue I'm only just becoming aware of, and so I'm not good at spotting it yet. I'll add it to my list of things that need attention. That's starting to be a long list...
I'm glad you approve of how I used Fluttershy. To be honest, she was the single hardest character to write in the whole story, and I was worried her 'fierce' part wouldn't come out right.
As for the plot holes mentioned near the end... I was aware of them. I just hoped few people would notice.
It was one of those "I know it's a problem, and have no idea how to fix it" things.
Still, I'll take a 7/10. I was always aware that this wasn't my best work by a long shot. Funny how those are the ones that everyone notices, huh?
PS - I threw Audience of One to Twilight's Library yesterday. I'm also still waiting on a verdict from EqD regarding it.
2562263
For that particular plot hole - the one where Scoot's friends waited up until the birth to let everything come to a head - rewinding the story to the announcement of the pregnancy would have neatly solved that. You lose none of the dramatic tension, and you gain a sense of immediacy. This is something that hit Scoot like a sack of bricks, and she's not the type to let that stew quietly. Sweetie Belle, maybe. Possibly even Apple Bloom, but Scoots is very much an in your face type of filly. Like Rainbow Dash.
Having her storm off in the middle of the announcement would have been just as devastating to Rainbow, perhaps even more so. Because, again, immediacy. It's happening right then.
2562348
I suppose I could have done that, but it felt important to me to have the story take place at the time of birth. Meh, maybe I was just to stubborn on that idea.