The Cynical Brony: Episode 7: "The Twilight Sparkle Zone: Episodes 1-4 Review"

Hello, I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to! After Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory, I want to review a good fan-made horror story. So, The Twilight Sparkle Zone. Before I start the actual review, since this story is a crossover, I have to give my opinions on the source material. As most of you probably guessed, this story is a crossover with the famous TV show, "The Twilight Zone", a show I really like. The original 60's version, at least. The episodes would go something like this: A normal person or group of people encounter a strange object or person, and we watch their reactions, all the while giving social commentary, memorable lines, and great characters. It was a fantastic show, with some of my favorites being "Where is Everybody?!", "Third Rock from the Sun", "Might of the Meak", "The Doll", and "To Serve Man". With that done, let's get to the fic. Since this one's an episode-based anthology, I'll be marking each episode in large text. Let's begin with:
EPISODE 1: "SIX CHAMBERED CYLINDER"
"Running parallel to the Magical Land of Equestria, there is a seventh dimension. A dimension of Honesty and Lies. A dimension of Kindness and Cruelty. A dimension of Laughter and Misery. A dimension of Generosity and Greed. A dimension of Loyalty and Betrayal. But it's also a dimension of Magic and Mind. It's a nightmarish land whose boundaries are that of imagination. I am the key, the door, the guide, and the signpost of this world. Your next stop: The Twilight Sparkle Zone." I love this paragraph. It serves as an excellent re-write of The Twilight Zone's opening speech, while still being unique and ominous. Quick note; this appears in all of the episodes, but I'm only commenting on it here. So, the episode begins with the CMC and Babs Seed walking to the school. "Ah'm pretty sure this visit will go loads better than your last one, cous!" Unless you get shot. But that would TOTALLY never happen, right? "Babs smiled bashfully." 'Ha-ha, I'm going to kill you, Applebloom.' "Yeah, sure. Now that I'm not hanging around those two brats." That doesn't excuse your actions in One Bad Apple, you little sadist.
"Uh-oh, speak of the devils," See?! Because you brought Babs the sadist, demons and such are rising! You little idiots! No, they're actually talking about Diamond and Silver Spoon. Yay, Dumb and Dumber have arrived. "Oh look, Silver. The Bad Seed is back in town," What's this? An insult other than "Blank Flank"? I'm impressed. "Diamond Tiara said, her voice dripping with scorn." You may want to dry up some of that scorn, it's dripping all over! "Yeah, she is. Maybe she'll grow into something. . .that we can chop down!" That insult made no sense what so ever. Clearly Silver Spoon is still an untalented, unfunny idiot. "Hey! I'm warning you punks-" Please, they aren't developed enough to be punks. "Oh, what are you gonna do?" Get Pinkie to bake you into a cupcake and have Dash kick you into the Pegasus Device. Is that enough? Or should I call Big Macintosh over to "take care" of you two? "Tell on us? Ha! Yeah right. No one would dare punish us! Our extremely rich daddies would never allow that to happen. But you wouldn't know anything about having money, would you, Blank-Flanks!" 1. God damn it! Enough rubbing in the fact that you were lucky enough to be born into the 1%! 2. Back to that insult, huh? It's not like your cutie mark means anything special. "The cruel duo laughed mockingly as they pranced around their four victims, shouting names at them." Yes, since skipping is so very evil and intimidating! After that, Sweetie Belle is cryptic for a bit before leaving the others confused. I wonder if she might be planning something, like maybe shooting DT in the face. Nah, that couldn't possibly be it! "I dunno. Come on, let's get going." Agreed.
"The fillies all made it to school on time, and were soon sitting at their desks." Yeah, I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't know that they got to school on time either. "Good morning class," Go to Hell! What? That's the response most teachers get for pleasantries. " Miss Cheerilee greeted as she took her place at the chalkboard. There was a sudden cool breeze that went through the classroom." In the middle of Spring? I don't think so! It would be humid, sticky, and awful, not a light cool breeze! "Diamond, would you please close the window for us?" Close it with your head underneath, please. "Diamond silently grumbled at having to do something for anypony but herself, but got up anyway and walked to the open window. She reached up and closed it with ease." Have we made clear just how incredibly mean Diamond Tierra is? Because she total is! "BANG!"

"CRASH!!"

I'm just giving the story what it's demanding. "Diamond was frozen in shock and fear as something flew across the room and knocked her signature tiara off her head, smashing it and sending it's pieces flying through the window, shattering the glass in the process. The filly turned around slowly to see something she couldn't even comprehend at first glance." 'Oh my God, they made another Equestria Girls movie! Run for your lives!' No, turns out it was Sweetie Belle, who got herself a pistol and is aiming it at DT's head. If you wanted to kill her, why did you waste the shot?! "Princess Twilight Sparkle stood watching in a corner." Yeah, I always nonchalantly watch people shoot each other. What, don't you? "Let me introduce you to little Sweetie Belle, age 6, who lives in a village that appears to be Ponyville in a place that is supposed to be Equestria . And if by some strange chance you should run across her, you had best not harm her, wrong her, mistreat her, or make her cry. The same goes for her friends as well. Offend her at your own risk, because if you do meet this particular Sweetie Belle, you can be sure of one thing: you have entered - The Twilight Sparkle Zone." 1. "I was 5 and she was 6,"2. I quite like this one to! Props for nailing that Twilight Zone feeling! 3. Cue this show's theme song! I'm not kidding, it has an opening theme song and intro animation.

Told you so! "Sweetie Belle-" Talking to crazy people with guns doesn't work! Take her down! Oh wait, teachers aren't allowed to carry guns. "Miss Cheerilee began, signs of panic very clear upon her face." 'I'm so getting my pay docked!' "NOPONY MOVE!" STOP LAUGHI NG AT MY VOICE! I'M SERIOUS, YOU GUYS! "NOPONY MOVE A MUSCLE!" Um, Sweetie? That's physically impossible. Unless everyone stopped breathing, blinking, and thinking, at least one muscle will move for everypony in the room. "It feels so good, Di, it's just so. . .amazing. After all the name calling, the spitballing, the mocking, the frame-ups, the slandering, the blackmailing, the way you shove the idea that you're so perfect in our faces!" Power does feel good, but take this quote: "Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." Keep that in mind. "I finally got you right where I want you. Now I am the powerful one. That's how the world works, isn't it? If you have power or something over somepony else, then you can do whatever the hay you want to people not as high as you. And society won't care, because those people aren't big, or because you're just too big. You had all that money, Di. But now. . . I have this!" 'I have tickets to go to the Rainbow Factory! Ha-ha!'
"Sweetie Bel-" "DON'T MOVE!" -_- Is it "Interrupt Cheerilee while she's talking" day? That's twice now Sweetie's interrupted Cheerilee! "I'll shoot. I swear I'll shoot! Luna dammit, I'll blow her bratty brains out!" Foreshadowing! "Oh. . . no Sweetie. . I won't move. Nopony will move. Isn't that right class? Nopony is going to move." Sweetie Bell may be crazy, but she isn't stupid. She'll be able to see right through that. "How about we just talk, Sweetie Belle. Let's just talk, okay? Maybe about. . .that item you brought to class. Why not tell us what it is, where you got it from, what it's for; I really want to know more about this." 0_0 Are you kidding me? I can understand trying to keep from panicking, but treat this seriously! If you talk down to her, SB could get angry and shoot someone! This isn't like some kid brought a mouse to school, she has a loaded weapon! "As Cheerilee's heart pounded with fear, Sweetie Belle took a moment to look around the room. Babs, Applebloom, and Scootaloo were all looking at her in disbelief. Babs actually looked legitimately frightened. Sweetie Belle gave a piercing glare at Silver Spoon, who was clinging to her desk with eyes wide with desperation, and then brought her attention back to the weapon she held with her magic." Nice, this is some great atmosphere building! "This is a revolver from the Griffon Kingdom, it's one of the souvenirs Princess Twilight and her friends brought back with the when they visited the Griffon Kingdom. I've read all about them. They're designed to be held in a griffon's claws. Six bullets are placed in this chamber, and when you pull this little trigger, a mechanism lights this powder in the bullet to fire it out at the target. Although it's meant for claws, a unicorn can use magic to hold the gun and pull the trigger. I checked the chamber after a stole it. Maybe it was by mistake or something, but it turns out they brought back a fully loaded gun." I hope that it was by mistake! You don't keep a gun that's fully loaded somewhere where a kid can easily grab it! Rarity, YOU. ARE. A. MORON! If you aren't smart enough to hide your gun and know how to use it, don't keep it!
"So there's five bullets left?" That's generally how math and revolvers work. I would hope the teacher would know how to count. "But I only need one to-" BANG! Playing a little fast and loose with your bullets, aren't you? You wasted another shot, and now you only have 4 rounds left. "Sweetie Belle and swiveled the gun to her left quickly, fired, and then back at Diamond Tiara before she could take a step. The sounds of Silver Spoon's cries of pain rang loud throughout the school house. The grey filly had tried make a mad dash at Sweetie Belle and the gun, but the unicorn was too fast for her, and shot Silver in the front right hoof. The outer Keratin was shattered completely and Silver Spoon went down hard." Trying to be the hero? Admirable, but you have to think fast and be smart in these situations. Back to riffing. "This monster is not worth it, Silver Spoon! You're better than her, I know you are!" Tell me who's the monster here: the cowering bully, or the crazed student shooting anyone that moves. "You were the first to clap for Granny Smith on Family Appreciation Day. You stayed out of that sick Gabby Gums plot. So take my advice, and just. Let. Her. Burn." 'Doing personal favors for me totally justifies me shooting you for trying to save your friend!' "You're gonna get arrested for this! You'll be locked up in prison for the rest of your life if you shoot me!" Fair argument. Let's hear the retort. "Worth it," Well, there's a psychopath's logic for you. "Murder is wrong! You couldn't possibly not know that!" Exactly! Thank you, just let me- "Oh, but Miss, Cheerilee, this isn't murder." Really now? Let's see: it's premeditated, you've repeatedly threatened her, shot at her twice, and intend to shoot her. This is very much attempted murder, and if you succeed, it WILL be murder. Plus assault with a firearm for shooting Silver Spoon. You're digging your own hole, and pretty soon, it will be six feet deep. "It will be if one of those bullets hits it's mark!" Basically.
"I mean, killing Diamond Tiara would not be murder." I just explained all the reasons why it WOULD be murder! Is she an immediate threat to your life? No. Is she hitting you? No. Has she done anything to you physically? No! This isn't self defense, so it's murder! While Sweetie's speech is very well put together, in the eyes of the law and morality, you are a murderer. Also: Solders are not only fighting for their ideals and beliefs, but also for their lives. Don't even pretend you're in a war, Bell. "You are not at war with Diamond Tiara! This is a classroom, not a battlefield! The rules of war don't apply here! If you shoot her, you are wrong!" Precisely! BANG! Nevermind, if you're dead.
"Cheerilee had suddenly dived downward in an attempt to slide across the wooden floor and catch Sweetie Belle in the legs. During the discussion, Diamond had slowly crept out from the gun's aim, giving Cheerilee the confidence she needed to act. However, Sweetie Belle was quick, and knew that Diamond was out of the shot, so rather than wasting a bullet firing at her and allowing herself to be restrained, Sweetie Belle fired at Cheerilee's backside, grazing her back and putting a bullet into her buttocks. The teacher yelled out in pain as she lay on the ground in pain." I told you before: Insanity does not equal stupidity. BANG! "Diamond had attempted to use this distraction to get out the door, but Sweetie Belle's magic had gotten good, and the gun quickly turned and fired a shot at her. The bullet grazed her snout, not enough to draw blood, but it stopped her in her tracks. She fell flat on her face and looked over to she the barrel of the gun aimed at her yet again" 'Tis but a flesh wound! You'll be fine!
"How much money was Filthy Rich giving you? I mean, why else did this brat never get the discipline she needed to make her stop? I guess that makes this all your fault. If you had done something to set this miserable waste of a pony straight, then I wouldn't be doing this right now. So thanks a lot, Miss Cheerilee." Harsh, but accurate. Much more accurate than your aim! "You know, there's a lesson in here. Dear Princess Celestia, a lot of the time, ponies say someone is evil or is bad or is doing wrong when they take the law into their own hands. They think a pony is in the wrong just because they go against what society says is right. A pony can lie, cheat, do underhoofed things, spread rumors, tears others down, blackmail, and be the hugest self entitled social darwinistic bigot in the entire world; but if they don't break any laws, or aren't caught breaking any laws, they're innocent." Yeah, that's how the law works, kid. "Innocent until proven guilty." You don't like that? Go somewhere else! "But the moment a good hearted filly, one who has done her best to follow the rules and be kind and to always do the right thing and not fight back, the moment she tries to take a stand in a BIG way. . . she's the bad one. She's not allowed to end the suffering, the torment, the evil. . ." You know, Hitler and Stalin had similar excuses. "It's society that's in the wrong. So I don't have to listen to it." Rapists also use that excuse. "WAIT!" 0_o "Sweetie Belle turned to look at Silver Spoon, who was still lying on the floor with her shattered hoof. She looked up at the unicorn, pleading silently with her eyes." I'm not an expert, but wouldn't a creature as small as a pony already have bleed out by now? "She's bad company Silver,"

"Let her go. There's nothing you can do." She can distract you long enough for someone to take you down. "Using the moment of confusion created, two fillies immediately tackled Sweetie Belle in the back." Told you. BANG! "A cry of pain rang out right after the gun fired. A blow to her horn disabled Sweetie Belle's magic, and the went flying in some random direction. Sweetie Belle pushed the two assailants off of her and rolled into the wall. She propped herself up against it and stared angrily at Scootaloo and Applebloom." I'm pretty sure it's called a "glare". "YOU'RE TOO NICE! THE BOTH OF YOU! YOU'RE TOO NICE! YOU WON'T DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE! YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS NOTHING!!" Oh, but I thought one of your ideals that you were so quick to defend was kindness. *chuckles* Oh, how I love out-smarting people and characters. "Sweetie Belle turned to see Babs Seed lying on the ground with a bleeding right ear. The Manehatten pony had pushed Diamond Tiara out of the way of the shot, but had taken a bullet to the ear." 'Tis more than a flesh wound. That will scar. "Serves you right, you bullied me just cause you got bullied. Oh, puh-lease! That's no excuse. But then again, only I seemed to really care. Only I burst into tears when you stole our clubhouse, you filthy little city pr*ck." A hearty screw you too, Sweetie Bell! Then Applebloom starts. "This isn't you, Sweetie Belle, killing someone is an extreme last resort, and only if they do something that deserves it. Diamond Tiara may never stop, but she hasn't hurt us. She can't hurt us. We've beaten her tons of time. There are better ways to teach her a lesson. Pranks, humiliation, a hoof to her face! But to do something this bad? No matter how evil she is, doing that just makes you evil like her." Damn straight.
"One bullet left." Let me guess: "And I know just who to use it on." "Everyone turned to see Diamond Tiara standing next to a desk. The griffon gun was on the desk with a pencil placed in the trigger area. The barrel was pointed right at Sweetie Belle. A smile of wicked delight was upon Diamond Tiara's face as she held the pencil with one hoof and the held the gun down with the other." Clever, very clever. "I'm not making any lame speeches about right and wrong, I just wanna see you die, Dumb Belle," I take that back. Anyone who says something like that is incredibly stupid. BANG! But instead of dropping down, dead, "Sweetie Belle started laughing." Yep, and soon everyone else did too. "WHAT ARE YOU ALL LAUGHING ABOUT!?"

"Diamond Tiara, the test is over." I'd give her a C minus. "Cheerilee just smiled and shook her head. She then stood up, and turned to look at her injury. With a flash, the injury was gone as if it had never happened." Wow, she has good insurance! "Sweetie Belle wasn't trying to kill me?"
[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=kdhhQhqi_AE]
"I'd never kill anypony! NEVER! That's a horrible thing to do, and I hope I never get into those rare occasions where you have to kill to survive. And come on, killing someone for being a bully? Maybe if I didn't have a family and friends who loved me or was mentally insane or just had an awful life, I could snap like that. But somepony like me doing that? No way. I'm just a really good actress." You earn the Oscar for "creepy insane axe murderer". Luna shows up, and says this: "Wrong, Diamond Tiara. This is reality. Everypony here is real. We simply observed while casting a few well timed illusions, specifically the gunshot wounds." I bet Twilight would be jealous of that skill. "Thou hast committed a series of malicious, hateful, and blackhearted actions in Ponyville. This led to an appeal by the Elements of Harmony for a Royal Investigation. . . for the good of Harmony. We designed this first test as a benchmark to see how bad thou really were. We did not expect this, but thou surprised us. thou have shown yourself to have the capacity to commit murder. Therefore, I now declare you DISHARMONY." Then they kill Diamond Tierra. No joke here, that's actually what they did. "I know that many of you are calling foul on the quote-unquote 'test' given to Diamond Tiara, the late Diamond Tiara. Let me the first to tell you that you are only partly wrong, and that the other ponies were only partly correct. She *was* Disharmony, but to be fair, so was the pony that Sweetie Belle was portraying. Any pony, any person, any entity that seeks to make excuses or to justify any evil action, or fails to recognize their own evils; that person is Disharmony. Just as Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the Serpent, so did Diamond Tiara blame Sweetie Belle and Sweetie Belle blame Diamond Tiara - in The Twilight Sparkle Zone." Awesome. Now, for:
EPISODE 2: "SHE'S ALIVE"
It opens up with a blue pegasus flag.

I don't really know what it's about, so I'll move on. The story starts in the middle of Cloudsdale, where Score, Hoops, Dumbbell, and Lightning Dust are being the MLP equivalent of Neo-Nazis. "I speak in the name of the once great leader, Commander Hurricane! The one who knew that the strong are better than the weak! The one who that your own awesomeness is more important than anypony else! If they're too stupid to get out of your way, then they deserve whatever they get!" Exactly what bad fan fic writers think Dash is! "I was kicked out of the Wonderbolts because I didn't let a whimp hold me back. Because I a couple of dumb civilians got in my tornado." It's more so the fact that those civvies were THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY, you idiot! "NO! It's not fair! That's not fair, I tell you! I am one of the greatest fliers Equestria has ever known. Commander Hurricane would have made me second in command! We need to bring back the days where Pegasi were warriors, where the strong ruled-" Boo! You suck! SPLAT!
"Aww, boo-hoo. The poor wittle girl got kicked out of the Wonderbolts!"
"Looks like somepony wants to get frozen by a Windigo!"
"The Great Commander Hurricane? Oh, please!"
Yeah, she's the laughing stalk of the town. "Alright, you four, pack it up!" You sucked so bad that I had to pop into existence! "You can't congregate in the middle of town like this without a permit. So go ahead and disperse this cloud." Fair enough. Dust? "Lightning Dust bit her lip, her left eye twitching. She went over and raised a hoof as if to start breaking up the clouds, but then spun around and took a swing at the officer." 0_0 That won't get you very far. Of course, she's easily taken down by the cops. "Are you a madmare?" Yes, she is. "You really think you're in the right, don't you?" Yes, she does. "Ponies like you. . .who defend the weak. . ." Are civil servants who give up their time to deal with punks like you. "What do you do? Whine about what a sociopath you are? Talk about what a great dictator Commander Hurricane was? How being strong gives you the right to put others in harms way, or even harm them deliberately?" I like this guy! Let's be friends! Then he destroys the stage and puts Dust under arrest for assault. "Someday, everypony will see that I'm right. That Commander Hurricane was right before that stupid Hearths Warming Ever stuff corrupted him. Pegasi are warriors. We take from the weak. We live off the weak. We sacrifice the weak. If the Wonderbolts believed that, I'd still be with them." That's also what a little group called the Nazis believed, you bigot. "Twilight Sparkle was standing next to the stage." She really wanted use the stage for some stand up comedy. "Portrait of a bush-league dictator named Lightning Dust, a sparse little mare who feeds off her self-delusions and finds herself perpetually hungry for want of greatness in his diet. And like some goose-flapping predecessors, she searches for something to explain her hunger, and to rationalize why a world passes her by without saluting. In her own twisted and distorted lexicon, she calls it faith, strength, truth. But in just a moment, Lightning Dust will ply her trade on another kind of corner, a strange intersection in a shadowland called - The Twilight Sparkle Zone." Once again, fantastic! We cut to a week later, where Dust is still in jail. Dumbbell, Hoops, and Score come in and tell her they're done being Nazis. "Commander Hurricane is long dead, Pegasopolis doesn't exist, and everypony is thinking we're crazy! You said you'd make us important and in charge of things because we were strong! You promised us that we'd be in the Wonderbolts, for crying out loud! Well guess what, we're not as stupid as we look! Come on guys, let's get out of this place." Good on them.
"I'm better than Rainbow Dash, and those stinkin Wonderbolts. They felt threatened. I was a threat to them." Yes, you were a threat, considering you nearly killed half the team! Then a new figure approaches. "Let me straighten you out about something. Something every great leader must know and must always remember. 'Your people are your greatest asset.' They may be naïve or slow or simple minded, but there will be times when that either does not matter or actually benefits you." This person is also an Equestrian Nazi. "Their ignorance is your strength. It is through their ignorance that you can convince them that your side is the only side. That you are their savior. That you and only you are the one who knows the truth. Brute force means nothing if nopony wishes to join your side. After you convince the masses, then you can use brute force as you throw their brainless bodies at the enemy. The ones who remain when the dust settles will be the strongest ones, and then, strength will beget strength, and you will have your force." Guerilla groups only work so well against a unified army. So, they go back and forth a bit, and it winds up with Dust having a wonderful, awful idea. Then we get this:

So I was right in Rainbow Factory! The Pegasi ARE commies! "The audience cheered and stomped their hooves in the auditorium Lightning Dust had rented. She smiled as she gazed upon her new followers. She counted 30, not including herself and the trio of males standing behind her." Those are some easily excitable Pegasi. "ENOUGH!" 'I've had it with theses motherf*cking commies in this motherf*cking auditorium!' Turns out Spitfire caught wind of Dust's little plan, and isn't having it. Oh, to Hell with it! Why not?!

"But I just had to check it out for myself. So I peeked in, I saw you, and I heard you mad ravings." They were kind of funny at first, until I realized you were serious. "Why are you all wasting your time with this? What's so gripping about an angry little mare throwing a temper tantrum? A mare who doesn't know her history and is doomed to repeat it? I doubt you know much history either. If you did, then you would know what happens to those who think and act like your 'Commander' over here. They get frozen in ice, burned alive, turned to stone, banished to Tartarus, imprisoned on the moon, and even obliterated and scattered across Equestria." For being the only one in this episode to make sense, I only have this to say:

"Do you get it now, Lightning Dust. Do you understand that behind all this talk, you're just a loose cannon who got kicked out of the Wonderbolts because you don't care about anypony except yourself? That if you actually were a Commander, that you wouldn't give two bits about the lives of individual civilians? That allllll of this is just an overblown temper tantrum?" :) Smack! 0_0 "Spitfire's head was knocked to the side by Lightning Dust's hoof, but the Wonderbolt Captain quickly turned her head back to face the younger mare." You did not just smack a military official. You. Are. DEAD. "So you can hit me? Big deal. That means nothing. Just a fight or flight response, nothing more. And right now, by the look in your eyes, your sweat soaked fur, and labored breathing; I'd say you're slowly considering the flight option more and more. As expected, Lightning Dust. You're a coward who wants attention." This is perfect... it could really end here. But it gets even better. After that, Dust breaks down and demands everyone leaves. "She's just too much. That Spitfire. Her words carry so much weight. She puts herself in her words. She has no fear. She's the embodiment of the Wonderbolts. . ." So bow down before Harmony! Ahahahah! "Those Wonderbolts are a mockery to the true power, ferocity, and courage of the Pegasi race, and what's worse is that it is the Wonderbolts who have weakened, have distracted you, have ruined your notion of the Glory of the Pegasi Race. That pathetic excuse for a Captain and her team don't have centillion of the might that the Pegasi soldiers of old had. And the fact that you, Lightning Dust, allowed them to humiliate you shows that you have the soul of an infantile fruit bat!" Well, they've been smarter and stronger than this motley band of idiots. "And what are you? A vampire fruit bat?!" ??? What the Hell... erg, nevermind. She's just insane. "Hiding like a coward while you send me to do all the hard work for you?! You think you can sit there all hidden and judge me? You know what to say. You know what to do. You're ideas and techniques worked. But what do you do? Send me to face the one who crushed me all by myself while you slink in the shadows and come out to mock me! HA!" I'd laugh at you too, Dusty. "I'm twice the mare you'll ever be! I DON'T HIDE IN THE DARKNESS! WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE!?" When you get snippy with the evil shadow people, you die, Dust.
"What have I done?!" That's a valid question. So far, you've just been a shadow person. "I've made speeches that sowed Disharmony in the hearts of Pegasi better than Discord could have ever dreamed off! I've fought battles that not even the Changeling Queen could stand to witness!! I've ruled over the entire Pegasi race with a grip stronger than that of Tirek!!! I've done all of that and more, thousands of years before you were spawned!!!! And as for being in Darkness, Lightning Dust; if Luna was corrupted by Darkness, and if King Sombra became Darkness. . .THEN I INVENTED DARKNESS!!!!!" Question: I'm not spoiling much since it's revealed immediately after, but how does Commander Hurricane now about Chrysalis, or Luna going evil, or Tirek? Based on Hearts Warming Eve, the good Commander would be long dead by the time any of those happened. "Commander!" Private! General! Master Sargent! Oh, sorry. I thought we were just shouting military ranks. "Very good soldier. Keep in mind that I am your Commander. Everything I say is an order! Do you understand?" Do you understand, maggot?! "I can't hear you!" Commander Hurricane should really invest in a hearing aid. Boo! You used that joke in the last review! So? Doesn't mean I can't use it when opportunity strikes. "The Hearth's Warming Eve tail is accurate up to it's ending," They totally botched my roll! Seriously, a blue pegasus to play me?! And what was with her hair? "Puddinghead, Platinum, and I were not brainwashed by the weakness and sentiment of Harmony and Friendship. Rather, we were left to our frozen fates, and our subordinates took our place until the arrival of Celestia and Luna. It was an edit to coddle stupid foals, but it also slung mud on my name. Just another motivation for our cause." You know, for kids! "You have what you need to succeed, soldier. You can deny foolish sentiments. You already have our plan in your head. As you thought to yourself before: 'First with words to win over all of Cloudsdale. And then, with force to overthrow this abominable land, where the strong are expected to sacrifice their ambitions for the weak.' That is what I did, and that is what you will do. Do you understand?" Because who needs allies? "And now. . .for your final test. A test in which you will learn about insubordinates, and the making of examples. Some Pegasi are too far gone to see our truth. Most of them will either make good slaves, or are indolent enough to remain normal civilians to use as factory workers or meat shields. But some of these may have too much voice, or too much influence, or too much power, or too much intelligence. Those ponies are a cancer to our Race, and they must be remove. Spitfire has been corrupted by Harmony, by compassion, by sentiment. That will lead her to come back to you, to convert her with her Gospel. She will first check your home and find nothing. Then she will come back here. Here Where there are no witnesses." We are going to give such a thorough scolding for her actions! "Kill her, and our victory in Cloudsdale is assured. Do you understand?" 'Cept for the fact that the other Wonderbolts will notice she's missing, and will go and look for her from where she was last seen. If you kill them, the police and Wonderbolt fans will be suspicious of you, and then you'd have to kill them if they didn't already take you down! You'd wipe out 3/4ths of the population before you got anywhere! So, Dust agrees, CH flies away, and Spitfire returns. "I. . .I want to help you." 0_0 After nearly killing your team AND the Elements of Harmony, assaulting you, and trying to start a Neo-Nazi party in Cloudsdale, you still want to help her? Quite forgiving, these ponies. "To hold back? To wait up for others who have no business trying to fly or to be Pegasi or to even live?! Pegasi control the weather, they fight, they protect, they guard, they're the strongest. Unicorns and Earth Ponies are beneath us. Who cares about their pain if we get something out of it. Even if it's just thrill."

"Okay, Lightning Dust. I want you to answer this question for me, and I want you to say it unwaveringly. If the ponies in the hot air balloon that got caught in your tornado had died, would you have minded?" Let's see the response. "No Spitfire. . .I would have preferred it if they had died." Excuse me while I pick my jaw off the floor! Holy Hell, Dust! What is wrong with you? It even shocks Spitfire! "You. . .you don't mean that. This is all talk. It's got to be! You're self-centered, narcissistic, a loose cannon, and an adrenaline junkie; but you're certainly not an evil bigot!" If only someone reminded Dash of that last time on this show. "You don't know me at all, tumor. . You don't know the Pegasi race at all." Wow, you are dead. When you say something like that, you get shot. She then stabs Spitfire, presumably killing her. "Immortal..." Fine, but this is the last song request of the night.

"Don't move a muscle," This again? I explained in the last episode how that's impossible! "Lightning Dust turned to see the pair of police officers who arrested her before standing at the entrance." Let's see you get out of this one, Dust. "Well, Ms. Dust, I can say with great certainty that you'll be found guilty of this murder." The end folks! I hope you enjoyed- "Actually, it's attempted murder." What?! You're still alive? How did you survive a knife to the face?! "She only just missed my heart. Got a rib though. Give me a few stitches and a blood transfusion, and I'm sure I'll live," Oh, because you didn't get stabbed in the face. Makes sense. "At that moment, Lightning Dust turned fast and propelled herself at top speed at the wall behind her, smashing through the clouds and leaving a pegasus shaped imprint. As she flew out into the night, two more Pegasi police officers flew out in front of her, back up for the others in case she attempted to flee." I like that little detail, just to remind you that even with the serious turn, MLP is still a cartoon. "FREEZE!" But it's not even that cold! So, they shoot her wings, and even though she was caught, this happens: "HAIL HURRICANE!!!" HAIL HYDRA AGAIN! She punches the officers in the face, and she falls to her death while screaming, "I am immortal. I am immortal. I am immortal! I AM IMM-" What's that? "SPLACK!!!" Oh, that's why you stopped. "Where will they go next, to whom will they visit, these phantoms from another time, these resurrected ghosts of a previous nightmare - to Prince Blueblood in Canterlot? To Filthy Rich in Ponyville? Anyplace, everyplace, where there's hate, where there's prejudice, where there's bigotry. They're alive. They're alive so long as these evils exist. Remember that when they come to your town. Remember it when you hear their voices speaking out through others. Remember it when you hear a name called, a minority attacked, any blind, unreasoning assault on a people or any living being. They're alive because through these things we keep them alive. Not just in the Twilight Sparkle Zone, but in all universes, and in all worlds." Yes! We got some of that awesome, trademark Twilight Zone social commentary! Next is:
EPISODE THREE: AH AM XENOPHOBIA- COLOR ME ORANGE
The episode opens in the Apple's house, where it seems Applebloom is sick. Applejack, after checking on Bloom, walks into Granny Smith. "Changelings, that's what. Thinking they can just come in here after what they did to us. Twice! Filthy manipulating deceiving bugs. What were Celestia and Luna thinking? What was Twilight thinking? They expect my friends and Ah to meet with some stankin' ambassador?" Yes, Applejack. After wars, if countries want mend relationships, they send ambassadors. Also, aren't you being a little racist? I get bitterness right after the attack, but come on! Their old leader is dead and they want to make amends, this is a fresh start! "Twilight Sparkle stood quietly watching in the far corner of the living room." She's a bit of a creeper like that. "Applebloom. Nine years old. A young filly stricken with a deadly disease known as Glanders. However, her older sister Applejack also happens to have an infection of her own. Not Glanders, or Erbovirus, or the Trots. It is a sickness known as hate. Not a virus, not a microbe, not a germ - but a sickness nonetheless. Highly contagious and deadly in its effects. Especially in - The Twilight Sparkle Zone." Nice. So, the episode truly opens with Applejack entering Twilight's castle. "Twilight's voice trailed off a bit as a look of sadness passed over her face. This look of depression and worry was reflected on the faces of the other ponies as well. Pinkie Pie's mane even deflated slightly." 'Tis a shame. I could have used some Pinkie weirdness. "Ya said that there were scientists in Cloudsdale and Canterlot working non-stop to cure all these Glanders victims that keep popping up all over Equestria," Yes... you're point? "Applebloom is gonna pull through. Ya said some ponies have survived it but lived on as carriers. But thanks to magic it's always containable. Not lie it's an epidemic or anything. So all that needs to be done is for that cure, vaccine, whatever to be made so Applebloom and everypony else can be themselves again. That's simple!" Show me your medical degree. Oh, don't have one? Then shut up and go sit in the corner! You don't get to talk about things that you don't understand! "Applejack, I wouldn't blame you for having a slight grudge against the Changeling-." Of course no one's allowed to finish a sentence with the orange menace around. "Slight grudge!?" I'm pretty sure her beliefs surpass levels of a slight grudge. "Are you kidding me? Have you lost your mind. Have ya all lost your minds?" 'How dare y'all accept other cultures! Blasphemy! Treason of the highest order!' "Those creatures. They kidnapped Cadence, brainwashed your brother, attacked Canterlot, kidnapped three fillies we all care about, and tried to kill us all! And you want to sit here and talk to some bug eyed ambassador? They started a war, and we should have should have finished it! Finished them!" There's more than one way to end a war. You can fight until everyone on both sides are dead, hit them hard enough to make them surrender, or talk it out. You are an idiot, Applejack. Almost as big a racist as Applesnack, but he's in an alternate universe. "None! They lie and deceive, then they steal! The land they walk on or fly over turns black and ugly, like they are. A bunch of freaks with holes in their bodies and bug wings-" Shut up, you ill-informed, inbred imbecilic waste of oxygen! "Don't judge a book by it's cover!" Thank you, Fluttershy! So, Applejack acts racist for a bit longer until Twilight has enough of AJ's abuse to Fluttershy. "Correct, Fluttershy. They were hungry. Desperately hungry. Queen Chrysalis is the mother of the Changeling Hive, so she felt some maternal instincts to feed her children. So, she saw how much love Equestria had, and decided to take it. When she failed, she felt resentment and anger over her failure, and hatched a revenge scheme. That also failed. Ergo, there's a difference between someone who does evil just because, and someone who performs questionable actions out of desperation or retaliation." Well put. Let's see if it got through Applejack's thick Stetson and even thicker head. It doesn't. In fact, it makes it worse. After Applejack turns into Hitler for a bit, there's a knock at the door. "Knock-knock-knock!" 'Faust's Witnesses!'
Pinkie's excited, but Dash is slightly nervous considering Applejack's behavior. "The other Princesses are counting on us, Applejack. Changelings aren't ponies, but they are just like us at heart. They deserve a chance, not to be wiped out just because they had a bad Queen. This has to work out. Who knows what this new culture has to offer us? So, I ask you, Applejack, as a friend. . ." Wait for it... ". . .to keep your mouth shut if you have nothing nice to say. Understand?" Boom. A spark that would burn down a nation was just made. "Announcing, the Ambassador from the Changeling Hive, Lord Cocoon," Well, Applejack hasn't shot him yet, so that's a good sign. "Greetings, Elements of Harmony," Well mannered, respectful... I like this guy! "I believe we all know why were are here together at this time and place. And as you can see, I come bearing gifts which you will find very much rewarding." And he brought gifts! What a great guy! "I am very much looking forward to this. I'm sure we are all more than willing to finally forget about how you sent hundreds of starving creatures flying through the air." :) God, he's sarcastic too! Is there anything not to like about him?
Apparently Twilight did not get the joke. "Ahem, with all do respect, your Lordship, surely you understand that we were being invaded by an enemy army who seeked to conquer us. Surely it is expected of a nation to fight back when war is declared upon us." *sigh* Twilight, you have to learn sarcasm. "Ah. . .but I kid, I kid, Your Majesty. Surely we were at fault due to some lack of communication on our Queen's part. My previous statement was meant to lighten the mood. Changeling humor, you understand." AND he's kind! Let's be friends, you can join me and the police officer from last episode! As soon as he says this, Pinkie gets the joke. "Their slime on our land is not a joke," Stop. Being. Racist. Applejack! Even though Cocoon hears her, he's still totally calm and quite honestly, couldn't care less.
"Yeah, having your sister kidnapped by you bugs can do that," This is the reason why I call you worst pony Applejack! Your pride and bitterness! Even despite the constant abuse from Applejack, LC is still very calm, and even admits that he's ashamed of what happened under Chrysalis's rule. Please, be a politician! Then there'd be someone I could actually like in power! Then AJ starts throwing a hissy fit, hurling even more insults at Lord Cocoon. "Let me tell you something, bug. When your filthy Queen was pretending to be Cadence, and Twilight was trying to warn us and we didn't listen, do you know what that did to me? We'll Ah'll tell ya. It took away all the confidence Ah had in myself that Ah was a good friend. You Changelings made me look like a sucker and fool. Ah lost my title as the most dependable of ponies that day, and Ah lost it because of you!" There we have it, folks. The true reason why Applejack hates the Changelings is because she took a blow to her pride. "Lord Cocoon stared at Applejack with a clam, cool, and collected facial expression." Like a boss! How could anyone hate you? Turns out not being an over-sensitive jerk makes AJ hate him, and she says this: "And now, you deceiving liars wanna move in and spread your filth all over our land. After what you did to me, mah friends, and mah family!? I'LL SEND YOUR BUG EYED FACE TO TARTARUS RIGHT NOW!" Okay Ghost 2.0, let's start it, and let's start it RIGHT NOW! "Applejack sprang and tackled Lord Cocoon to the ground. The Changeling truly did not expect Applejack to actually attack him, so he was completely caught off guard. As Applejack threw punches at the Ambassador, she could hear the voices of her friends behind her."

Oh God! Lord Cocoon! I know how to save him!

It didn't help! So she break the gift box over the ambassador's head and continues to fight until Twilight uses her magic to freeze Applejack. And he runs away. Damn it Applejack! You just lost me a drinking buddy! Just as Twilight's cleaning up, whatever was inside the box starts pouring out along with a note. AJ starts reading it. "Greetings to the ponies of Equestria. We come as friends and in peace. In light of your moderate struggles with the disease you call "Glanders," we bring you this gift. The contents of the enclosed two-liter vial is a serum. It is a cure for all forms of the bacterium which causes Glanders-" Yes. Applejack just doomed her little sister and her country out of her own pride. How'd you like them apples, AJ? "The best laid plans of Changelings and Ponies...and Applejack...the small mare in the Stetson hat who wanted nothing more than to see an enemy nation destroyed. Applejack, who will soon find herself as just a part of a landscape smashed by war, just a piece of the rubble, just a fragment of what blind nationalism, ethnocentrism, and xenophobia in high places has doomed her nation to. But as for the present; the true illnesses are fear, hate, revenge, blame, and forgiveness. The cure: a little more faith. An Rx off a shelf - in The Twilight Sparkle Zone." She also doomed all of Equestria to die with her sister. Applejack, rot in Hell. And now for something, completely different.
EPISODE 4: THE BUTTON GIVETH...
So, this episode starts with Scootaloo trying to fly. "Scootaloo then pushed herself off and down the hill. The wheels of her scooter turned faster and faster as she descended down the steep slope. Within a matter of seconds, she had reached the bottom and hit the ramp dead center. She was carried up into the air, and let the scooter fall to the ground as she spread her forelegs and spread her wings as far as she could. She flapped her wings hard, trying to hang to the updraft pushing up against her chest. However, when she took a chance to look down, she saw that nothing she was doing was even slowing down her rapid descent." Ah, still a failure I see. "The orange pegasus hit the ground and skidded over the grass and dirt. A cloud of dust was kicked up during her landing. The sting of the road rash she felt on her belly was nothing compared to the pain she felt in her heart. She lay still on the ground, her only movements were here gentle breathing, and the twitching of face as she cried." Maybe you shouldn't have done that on your own, without the other CMC's or Dash to catch you. "Why can't I fly? Why can't I?" 1. Why the redundancy?! Why? 2. Because the writers of the show, fan fic writers, and I don't like you. Scootaloo is 2nd worst pony. "You need a fully functional pair of wings," Not really. By all logic, Butterflies shouldn't be able to fly with their non-functioning wings, but they do anyways. "Scootaloo looked up at the approaching unicorn stallion. He was grey, with black hair. His tail was short, and his mane was well groomed and gelled into place. His eyes were brown, and he wore a black suit and tie. His Cutie Mark was a present wrapped in black wrapping paper." Oh God, run Scootaloo! It's one of Hasbro's suits! "I can get you a pair." That will just be 666,000 Bits, please. "Twilight stood watching next to the ramp." She still quite enjoyed freaking people out with her teleportation powers. "Here we have Scootaloo Songbreeze, age nine. A filly who wants one thing, and one thing only. A filly unaware of how much that thing will cost her - in The Twilight Sparkle Zone." Her wings would actually cost her 666,000 Bits plus 99 cents shipping.
"You can give me better wings?" Nope! Just screwing with ya kid, you'll never fly! Deal with it! "He then produced a rectangular metal tablet out of nowhere, and showed it to the filly. The tablet had a glowing screen on it that said the word "WINGS" in flashing letters. Beneath the screen was a hoof-sized red button." It turned out to be a very elaborate morphine dispenser. "My role in Equestria is to give and to take," 'Give me your money, and I give you Twilicorn. Enjoy, you stupid Bronies! Ahahahah!' "I take something from one pony, and then give that something, in essence, to somepony else. Then I take something else, and give it to some other pony. And so on and so on. It is all very simple, young filly. All you have to do is push this button, and somepony, somewhere in Equestria, will lose their wings. Then, you will gain the wings you need in order to fly." That's not how science works! That's not even how magic in the show works! CYNICAL! Oh, you again. What did I do this time? DID YOU NOT SEE THAT THIS IS A CROSSOVER WITH THE TWILIGHT ZONE? -_- Touché... nevermind. "Somepony else will lose their wings?" Isn't that what he just said? "Nopony you know. Nopony who knows you. Nopony you will ever meet," It's gonna be Dash, isn't it? The story never clarifies who, but she seems like the prime target. "This pony who you will never come in contact with has experience flight due to the fact that this pony's wings are healthy. I've seen this pony, although the rules forbid me from telling you anything about him other than that what this pony has would be very beneficial to you. Who deserves flight more? One who has already flown, or one who has never flown and faces a future where she never will?" Okay, so not Dash. If we're going by males, than the three that come to mind are Thunderlane, Soarin', and Bulk Biceps. Anyone is possible. So, the guy continues to be cryptic for a bit and leaves, dropping the suitcase behind. Then the author put a video saying, "Don't press the Red Button" with a link in the middle. Out of curiosity, I did push the button. I won't spoil what it leads to, but I promise it's not porn.
"Scootaloo traveled through town on her scooter, the device in her saddle bag weighing her down both literally and emotionally." She's planning on destroying Ponyville with the Ray Sphere, isn't she? "Scootaloo was so caught up in her thoughts that she clipped the side of one of Applejack's apple carts. She spun out of control and flew off of the scooter and back onto the hard ground." She hit it so hard, the secret nuclear war head inside of her exploded, wiping out Equestria. No, she just got a few scrapes. "You okay, Scootaloo? That looked like a nasty wipeout!" Yeah, Equestria's a crater now! "So, let's head over to the clubhouse and figure out what we're gonna do today!" Hey Applebloom! I know what we're gonna do today! "Actually, I'm not really in the mood for Crusading today." Fair enough, I have to be in the right mood too. "But you're the one who always comes up with the most insa- Ah mean, awesome ideas!" Weren't you dying of Glanders last episode? "Applebloom, is being an Earth Pony. . .okay?" Earth ponies are the weakest link in Equestrian society. Only the Pegasi, Unicorns, and Alicorns are useful. So, no. "I mean, do you like being an Earth Pony?" Is this more of that "Scootaloo's a racist" thing from RF? Because I was joking. Apparently Applebloom is fine being a common Mud Pony. "So, if some other pony would become an Earth Pony after enjoying life one way, they'd probably enjoy living in a brand new fun way?" No. "Is this about your. . .wings, Scootaloo?" Yes. "Or maybe that pony loves using magic or flying too much to let it go," Good argument. The retort? "Well maybe I deserve it more than they do!" She officially has a Messiah Complex. Well done, you're rivaling Applejack for title of worst pony! "She then hopped over to her scooter, picked it up, got on, and zoomed away, leaving her too shocked friends in the dust." You can't even be good to your friends? Go rot, you waste of glue!
"Scootaloo's moved her gaze upwards. She looked at the sky and the clouds above. Heights she would never reach. An experience she would never have. Then, just above the horizon, far off in the distance, was a tiny speck of blue and rainbow. A multicolored trail was left in the wake of the speck. The filly recalled her countless dreams of flying high with that mare in the distance. She had taken her under her wing, said they were sisters, but did that truly mean anything if they couldn't fly together?" So she also treats Dash like dirt! Add it to the list! Then Scootaloo remembers Dash's speech from "Flight to the Finish", and is surprisingly bitter towards Dash. "Says the Best Young Flyer in Equestria, she has perfect wings, she's gonna be in the Wonderbolts, she can do a Sonic Rainboom! What gives her the right to say that to me! SHE HAS EVERYTHING!" Then she presses the button. Go to Hell, Scootaloo. Say hi to Applejack and Terik for me. "Well, that was fast." Yeah, I didn't think Scoots would have so much hatred for her best friend/mother figure. "I'll take my device back now, please." I'll take anything positive I said about Scootaloo now, please. "Scootaloo turned, and gasped in utter disbelief. Her wings were about twice as big as they used to be. Scootaloo's shock caused them to pop open. They were an absolutely gorgeous set of orange wings. Scootaloo flapped them, and she felt the air that they pushed rush away from her. A breeze blew over her, and she could feel the slightest change in the air on the tips of her feathers." So, someone's life just got ruined. I hope they weren't flying when she pushed the button! So, she flies for a bit, and talks to the Mysterious Mr. "I see that you are satisfied?" Not quite. That comes in just a bit. Scootaloo's over joyed, until he mentions that she has to give something up. "I told you, young filly, my role in Equestria is to give and to take. I took the wings from one pony and gave them to you. Now I must earmark something of yours to give to the next pony I visit. Then I earmark something from that pony, and so on and so on." That is extremely fair. "I thought you were gonna just go take from someone else after I pressed the button." When your ego's bigger than Discord's, Trixie's, Dust's, and Dash's egos combined, you have a problem. "You mean you expected to get those wings for nothing? Without paying for them in some way? Young filly, nothing is free. Nothing! The pony that those wings came from got something they wanted first. I don't take without giving, but also don't give without taking. That's the way it is. That's the way life is." Well said. Now pay up, Scootaloo. "Well, you won't actually lose whatever it is until the next pony actually presses the button. It will be a pony you will never meet, I promise you that-" Shut up and take her life force and give it to someone who's dying! "But what is it!? What am I gonna lose?!" Your mouth if you don't shut up! "Jackpot!" 'Woo! I just found that the 666,000.99 Bits just got added to my account! Yes!' "Where are you going?" Heaven, Scootaloo. A place you'll never see. "Maybe to a hospital. An old folks home. A house with a vibe of sadness or tragedy. Or maybe even a hospice." I like the sound of that! "What are you talking about? What am I gonna lose? Tell me!" Your dark, cold heart. The answer is simple: "LIFE". "Scootaloo Songbreeze was given a choice. A choice of either selfishness or compassion. Of greed or generosity. But leave it to Scoots, one of life's perpetual losers, to make the wrong choice. A filly that had it all except for one thing will very soon have nothing at all. An epitaph for a pegasus filly - in The Twilight Sparkle Zone" Indeed.
So, that was all four current episodes of "The Twilight Sparkle Zone". Final Thoughts: I love this series. Being a huge Twilight Zone fan, this was amazing. Will I review the next episodes when they come out? Of course! I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to!

Credits:
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is owned by Lauren Faust and Hasbro Inc.
The Twilight Zone is owned by Rod Serling.
"The Twilight Sparkle Zone" written by Matthais Unidostres
"The Twilight Sparkle Zone PMV" by Matthais Unidostres
"Main Theme" from The Twilight Zone
"Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)" by Nancy Sinatra, cover by Nico Vega
"Crash" by Aviators
"Bad Company" by Five Finger Death Punch
"I Ain't Having That" by Mando Pony and JonTron
"Shoot to Thrill" by AC/DC
"IMmortal" by Blackgryph0n
"Mortal Kombat" from Mortal Kombat: The Movie
Clips:
"Yelling" clip from Anchorman
"I Ain't Having That" clip from JonTron
Images:
Communist Lightning Dust avatar by Schrodinger-Excidium
Commander Hurricane Interpretation by Emkay-MLP
Wow, this was a long one. I hope you enjoyed The Cynical Brony: The Text-Based Movie as I'm going to refer to it now, and have a good night or day, I don't know when this is going up. This took three and a half days to make, so I hope it amuses you.