" -The Hat Mann
The Cynical Brony: Episode 6: "Rainbow Factory Review" Edited 6/3/15! · 2:46am Oct 23rd, 2014
Hello, I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to! Well, I know you all saw the title of this, so yeah. Rainbow Factory: I didn't like it. It's pretty tame compared to other gore fics, and did try to have an actual story, but I find myself not liking it. There are several reasons why I don't like it, so let me explain. One quick note: Unlike Sargent Sprinkles, Mr. Davey, or Biter, I do not actually hate Aurora Dawn. I think he's/she's a bad writer, but he/she actually acknowledges people's problems with his stories and listens to them, making him/her miles better than the three I listed before.
“Now a rainbow's tale isn't quite as nice,
As the story we knew of sugar and spice”
Taking lyrics from Glaze's song and putting them in your story doesn't make you clever, it makes your story confusing and distracting. I love the song as much as anyone else but still! Imagine if I did something like that in my reviews!
Now this little show is quite-a nice,
but with all amounts of sugar comes a little spice.
Reviewing's easy once you get to know it,
with the help of his advice!
Oh, and yes, I'll be parodying the entire song in this review. Anyways, to the story!
"There’s long been rumors as to how, exactly, rainbows are made in Equestria."
I guess Equestria doesn't believe in prisms. We get some back story, about how no-one knows what really goes on in the Rainbow Department.
"the Rainbow Factory’s upper floor was protected by harsh imagery"
My God, they play Smile HD to keep people away! Brilliant! Then we learn the workers are forbidden from leaving the factory. Quite frankly, I don't really care about red-shirt workers lives.
"A lot of theories were proposed; Dark magic from captured unicorns, chemicals and environmental hazards that no sane pony would tolerate, and even thoughts of another unknown sister of Celestia’s,"
And no-one ever investigated the damn place?! I get that anyone who left was usually in a body bag, but still! Report this to the Princesses, or the police, or the Elements, I don't care! If you think something shady is going down, TELL SOMEBODY!!!
“But a rainbow's easy once you get to know it,
With the help of the magic of a pegasus device"
Back to this, are we? Two can play it that game!
Let's delve deeper into his philosophy,
far beyond that of Brony mythology!
It's easy to misjudge that little cartoon,
with it's bright colors always coming soon.
How you like them apples?
“C’mon, Orion!"
"Darkeside is going to attack, we need to get ready for battle!"
"Scootaloo called to a friend of hers. She was older, now,"
"She, like all other pegasus in the school, was terribly nervous of the final test."
Yeah, college finals suck.
"A little known, or at least little thought-about fact, was of what happened to the fillies that failed their test."
Look, I know you want the "Bwom" sound and the music to start, but can you be a bit more subtle about the fact that this is based on the song?
"While uncommon, one or two from every class generally didn’t have it in them to perform the rigorous acts and maneuvers. Those that failed their tests were looked down upon in the worst of ways, shunned, and hated."
Well, if you flew everywhere and this one idiot gets you killed because they can't straighten up and fly right, wouldn't you hate them? Also, wouldn't that make Fluttershy the most hated mare in Equestria?
"Cloudsdale had always bred a form of nationalism amongst it’s occupants."
So? Saddle Arabia is a dictatorship, Manehatten is a democracy, and Appaloosa is a republic. You aren't special, Cloudsdale!
"If you weren’t the best, or didn’t show the potential of being the greatest, you weren’t allowed to be part of the ‘glorious collective’."
Communists! I knew it! So we get a bit of banter between Scootaloo and OC#1. I know his name is Orion, but he has no personality, and is really now worth remembering. Excuse me while I rant about something: OC's don't HAVE to be bad. Two fantastic examples of stories with good OCs being Fallout: Equestria and The Immortal Game. While it's not fair to compare this short little horror story to the massive novels, my point still stands.
“Thanks to the tips from Rainbow Dash, I’m sure to be fine.”
Gee, I wonder if this is foreshadowing. It's about as subtle as getting kicked in the face by Applejack! Speaking of the Apple family: go watch the Rainbow Dash Presents version of this! It is hilarious!
“I hope I get some cool active weather job. Can you imagine? Everyone in Ponyville or Fillydelphia staring up at me, going ‘There goes Scootaloo! Such an amazing flier! And from Cloudsdale, there can be no doubt!’”
Huh, you could rival Trixie and Discord with that ego, kiddo. "The Great and Powerful Scootaloo does not care about mere dirt ponies! Ha-ha!"
“That would be something, I’ll admit. Mind you, just coming from Cloudsdale... who wouldn’t be in awe?”
0_0 Really now? Imagine if I went to Japan and expected everyone to bow to me because I'm American! Scoots, you're a little racist, aren't you?
“Praise the Flock.”
Hail Hydra!
"A massive, buff Pegasus walked towards the entrance to the coliseum."
Oh no! Bulk Biceps is evil too!
"Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, fly too far west. If they lose sight of you for any reason, you’ll be failed, immediately."
If you go to far to the east, you die. If you go north, you die. If you breath, you die.
"Close your wings for at least three seconds. Any less and you’ll fail, but keep in mind there’s no ‘extra points’ for extra seconds. Finally, recover before you hit the cloud floor. Understood? Any questions?”
"How is a cloud going to stop us? I know we can walk on clouds, but we CAN fall through them still!"
“Alright. Aurora Dawn. You’re up first. Clear, Fly, Fall, Complete.”
*sigh* Really? A self-insert? How could you ever do that? That is the #1 rule of writing! No self-inserts! Anyway, she does well in the test. Until this happens:
"Suddenly, Aurora’s wings whipped upwards, and the group of students flinched in horror as they all heard the loud, hollow SNAP, only to be suddenly replaced by an unending, piercing scream."
I'd say that's punishment enough for writing this story and the self-insert. They get through a bunch more contestants, and I don't see how a fic this boring could be so infamous. Then again, so is Cupcakes... so nevermind.
"Scootaloo felt extremely sad for the yellow Pegasus, but couldn’t see herself helping her."
Yeah, Scootaloo's an evil jerk like that.
“Get the f*ck onto that field before I fail you myself,”
"Cursing for no reason make my story that much fucking scarier." He then flies to the SI.
“I’d rather be exiled from a place that treats ponies like this than live my life while other’s don’t live theirs.”
Congratulations, Orion! You are officially a Marty Stew! Tell me, how does it feel to have no personality or flaws what so ever?
"Scootaloo stood shocked, hardly hearing her name called."
She should really invest in a hearing aid. Then she does her test.
"Scootaloo cranked into the bottom part of the ring, falling backwards several feet and hitting the ground. With a sudden intense flash of fear, she flipped herself onto her feet and began flapping her wings, levitating off the ground. Maybe that didn’t count as a failure, she thought. I can still fly. There was a distraction on the field. She spun around to the judges.
Three hooves, pointed down."
Wow, you really suck Scoots. I bet Fluttershy is a better pilot than you!
“Let's delve deeper into rainbow philosophy,
Far beyond that of Cloudsdale's mythology It's easy to misjudge that floating city
With it's alluring décor and social psychology”
"How?" You ask, "Is he up to the task?"
To which the answer is in a simple phrase:
The Cynical Brony, so many things to review!
The Cynical Brony, he spares so very few!
The Cynical Brony, where all are tried and true,
The Cynical Brony, where judgment's forced on you!
"Against an empty carriage at the end the lonely hall were three imposing ponies, leaning in a disinterested and bored pose."
Against a computer chair, at the end of his wits was a single reviewer, leaning in an angry and distressed pose. Word play: it's fun!
“Ain’t dat just a cryin’ shame, it is. What’s it to us? All da better she don’t come flying back to us no more.”
When your Italian character is so poorly written that even Mario's crying racism, it's time to go back to the drawing board.
“We did our best. That’s all we can say. That’s all any of us can say. Who’s to say that the city of the deported isn’t a good one, anyways?”
Oh! Looks like a Mary Sew has joined the group! Better get another award ready!
"That made Scootaloo realize something even more profound."
She realized the story she was in really, REALLY sucked.
“Hey, if where we’re taken is where Zecora’s from, than there’s got to be a way to get back. It’s not as if we’re banned from Equestria. Fluttershy, an old friend of mine, she’s a Pegasus who lives in Ponyville. She never passed flight school, she never took her test. They’ve never come and taken her away.”
1. I had to fix several spelling errors. Shame on you.
2. How do you know if Fluttershy works here or not? I accept the head cannon that Fluttershy is just disguising herself as Rainbow. Oops, I guess I revealed the villain. Maybe I should have added this:
“I think the reason we’re sent far away is because no pony from Cloudsdale ever wants to admit that someone who failed flight school could come from their city. What a f*cking horrible place,"
Watch the God damn language!
“You goddamn worthless ponies can hardly call yourself ‘Pegasus’,”
Biology begs to differ, maggot.
“Hell if I know. We hand this carriage off to ponies in suits, and we get a bagful of coins to keep quiet about the whole thing. It’s how it’s always been, for a thousand years.”
"For a thousand years, I waited here for you! Days turned into years, and into centuries! Patience had to fade!" No, instead of getting to listen to a good song, we get ponies cussing because the author thinks that makes the story scarier. It doesn't. It just makes you look incompetent.
But with all great things comes a great responsibility
That of Cloudsdale's being weather stability
It's getting really annoying now. Stop. They get to the place they're going, blah, blah, blah.
“This place... the architecture... it’s all so familiar... I think we’re in the weather factory!”
When exactly did you study the ENTIRE weather factory?
“Actually, Scootaloo may be right,”
Well, of course the self-insert would know.
“Welcome, mules,”
1. You're racist against mules, which have been shown to have sentience in the show.
2. Are you blind? I don't care how much you hate them, you should be able to tell species!
“Like you failures have a choice. You’ll be here for the rest of your lives! Oh, I’m sorry, where are my manners? I am Dr. Atmosphere."
??? That is the worst OC name since... Orion Solstice. Wow, you have problems with OC names, don't you? Not making fun of you, I want to know. Legitimately.
"My degree isn’t a medical one, I shall reassure you, in case you’re picturing some dreadful surgery going on behind the scenes. Strange how so many worthless pegasus get that idea."
Well, considering most doctors are either medical experts, physicists, or time traveling aliens, I can see why. Then he starts leading them into the factory.
"They were walking down series of halls with vibrating machines,"
No comment. I'm going to let that line speak for itself.
"and assembly lines lining the way, occasionally ducking under low hanging wires or carefully stepping over steaming pipes. As they walked, though, the building became cooler and cooler. All three were watching, sensing, looking for any way out. They couldn’t see any."
Are you trying to imply that the factory is like the Dante's Inferno version of Hell, where the deeper you go, the colder it gets because it's getting farther and farther away from God's light? If so, clever. If not, then never-mind.
“Enjoy the rest of your pitiful life.”
I've been trying. Stories like this don't help old Cynical.
"In exchanging for helping someone, he had doomed himself and his good friend to a life of servitude."
That's life, kid.
Suddenly, there was a commotion in the group of ex-students. One pony from an unidentified school took off, headed towards one of the doors on the scaffolding. Immediately, two suited ponies launched at record speed and both clipped the fly-away with their tasers. The pony spasmed in air, and then dropped like a stone. With an audible crack as he landed, and a violent burst of twitching, all the other ponies walked back, staring horrified at their friend. They watched, hopefully, for a long time. He didn’t move.
Thank you for wasting my time with this unnecessary paragraph.
How, you ask, are they up to the task To which the answer is in a simple facility
Oh for God's sake! Shut up! If I wanted to hear the song, I'd go and listen to it!
“By now, you’ve all clearly determined that you are not going into exile. There is no deportation. There never was. You are in The Factory. You will never leave The Factory. And while you may be called useless, that’s also not entirely true. You’re worthless to the flock as a Pony."
You are born in The Vault, you live in The Vault, and you die in The Vault. This is your Overseer, signing off.
"But, you still have purpose! Purpose to all the ponies in this land, far and wide. You get to help us make rainbows! Beautiful, magical rainbows, doesn’t that excite you?”
Yay, double rainbow all the way!
“How could you ever get away with this? How could Celestia, or even Luna know about this and tolerate it? It’s slavery! It’s torture!”
Because AD is convinced no-one will think about such things.
"But, with the moon being an additional task, she had to hand down the responsibility of rainbows. Celestia entrusted the Pegasi of Cloudsdale to make the rainbows for her, from them on. For the first dozen years, we were given powerful unicorns to help create Spectra."
I'm going to quote a good friend. "So why didn't she just give the responsibility to the unicorns in the first place? Well that's because SHUT UP!"
"The mysterious pony whipped off her mask, unveiling more than her rose eyes. Her skin was a light cyan, and her mane was a gorgeous rainbow."
Yep, this story says that Dash is a psychotic, mass murderer. That's the reason I hate this more than Cupcakes. Instead of ranting about it, I'll just point you to my Rainbow Dash tribute to explain why this sets me off so much, and say exactly what Aurora Dawn was thinking when he/she wrote this: "Screw being in character, I have gore! It's completely illogical, intelligence-insulting gore, but who cares? GORE!"
Back to the fic, where AD still doesn't know how to write a good character.
“Only then could the Spectra be separated! And it was such a beautiful idea, such a wonderfully horrible idea."
I don't care if it's been done before, it still holds true. "The pegasi got a wonderful, awful idea!"
"It worked so well; we could create exponentially more rainbows, of better quality with real Spectra. And it finally gave us a way to prevent Cloudsdale from being tainted by all those horrible pegasus which couldn’t fly! Ahahahah!”
Yes, AD seriously just compared Rainbow Dash to Hitler. Excuse me while I go burn something to the ground.
Ah, much better. I even collected the insurance money! So, AD still can't write Rainbow Dash to save her life, and I'm reconsidering what I said about Cupcakes being the worst horror I ever read.
"You had it in you kid! I knew... I knew what they did here. Ever since I performed that Sonic Rainboom, and they approached me... They wanted to find more ways to make Spectrum. They thought that, if I was capable of making rainbows, I could help them make its components."
What. Play that last bit again.
"Ever since I performed that Sonic Rainboom, and they approached me... They wanted to find more ways to make Spectrum. They thought that, if I was capable of making rainbows, I could help them make its components."
-_- One more time.
"They thought that, if I was capable of making rainbows, I could help them make its components."
Aurora Dawn, tell me something. Did you think when you wrote that line? If Dash could make rainbows on her own, THEY WOULDN'T NEED GOD DAMN COMPONENTS! WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON IN THAT LITTLE BRAIN OF YOURS?!
More stupidity, and at least this garbage is almost done.
"Scootaloo, Aurora and Orion all jumped."
*gently lays face into the palm* AD, how many drugs did you smoke and bottles did you drink before you wrote this? This is just... why?
“We find the machine works better if the ribs are broken,”
You know, this garbage doesn't really deserve it, but to Hell with it. Here's my top 5 jokes for that line.
5. Because that's totally how science works.
4. I think logic would like to have a word with you.
3. Why not? It's far from the stupidest part of the story.
2. Care to explain? No? 'Kay, I'll just add that to the pile of plot holes in the story.
1.
Then we get more gore! I honestly couldn't care less.
In the Rainbow Factory, where your fears and horrors come true
In the Rainbow Factory, where not a single soul gets through
The Cynical Brony, to you he says,
“Scootaloo. Get up. Get up, now, hurry, Scootaloo. Wake up! Wake up!”
Just let her die, everyone in this story's already dead to me.
“Scootaloo! They’re coming for us! What do we do?”
1. Stop acting like Short Round, you idiot!
2. I'm tempted to play the Cops theme song, but this thing simply doesn't deserve it.
“Clear, Fly, Fall, Complete.”
You mean the test that everyone there was too stupid to complete? I really don't care if you live or die anymore, now I just want you gone.
“Oh god, what do we do now?”
I don't CARE. I just want this to end.
“Kill her!”
"She opened her mouth to speak again, but was cut short as the pile of Pegasus blew apart, with Rainbow Dash standing enraged in the opening."
Huh, Dash literally exploded with anger.
[quote "There would be more. Cloudsdale could take a small shortage of rainbows." ]That day, Cloudsdale simply fell out of the sky because it ran out of rainbows.
"She was the only one allowed out in public, and keeping the horrible secret with her since childhood had only lead to psychological problems that no amount of therapy could cure. Scootaloo was her last link on sanity, and her failure had deleted that."
Bull. Crap. Let's make this very clear, this is easily the 2nd worst version of Dash I have ever seen. The only one that was worse was Dash in "Rainbow Dash gets an abortion", where she gets an 8 year old Scootaloo aborted, and yes, it's as infuriating as I'm making it sound! Just, screw this story!
"There was no logic in her mind any more. No care, no capacity for compassion. Only hate. Pure, concentrated and evil hatred filled the gap her love for Scootaloo had once occupied."
Basically sums up what I feel about the story right now: Pure, raw hatred.
“I hardly knew you, Aurora,”
"'It's almost like you didn't have a personality to begin with."
"With that, Scootaloo, levitated,"
??? My brain hurts from all the stupid...
"And with that, Rainbow Dash grabbed one of Aurora’s bandaged wings and pulled, tearing it off of her completely. Aurora collapsed on to her knees, grinding her teeth in horrible pain. But she didn’t scream."
Go, Dashie! I whole-heartedly support this! This damned Mary Sue is the story's embodiment of the stupidity in this thing!
"That’s all that matters, she thought. What’s ahead of me. There’s no changing what’s behind me. Ignore it. Focus. For the second time in as many days, a flood of instinct overtook Scootaloo, and despite the terror she felt in her body, the sorrow that had surrounded her, and the evil behind her, her worries melted away and the thought of flying encased her very being. Down under wires and pipes she ducked, up and around various workers whose complaints and shouts were ignored, only to be repeated momentarily as the raging pony behind collided with them."
Have I expressed just how much I don't care? If you can't write a horror story where I can root for someone, DON'T WRITE ONE AT ALL!
"But there, ahead of her, Scootaloo thought she found a solution. A garbage vent of some kind, sticking out from the wall, down to the floor below. Momentarily she gave thought to where it may lead, whether out of the factory or into some incinerator she couldn’t tell, but it was probably worth the risk."
Please, lead to the trash compactor from Star Wars! No, that would be half way interesting. Instead, she's in the theater room.
“You moron! You never did have a good sense of direction!”
“Any final words, you miserable worthless whore of a foal?”
I got two.
“You have beautiful eyes,”
What. What? WHAT?! GAH!!! HOW STUPID IS THIS PIECE OF CRAP?! Final Thoughts: To Hell with this rainbow colored, God forsaken, horrible piece of trash!
Credits:
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Lauren Faust and Hasbro Inc.
Bioshock owned by 2K Studious.
"Rainbow Factory" written by Aurora Dawn.
"The Rainbow Factory" by Glaze. Parody Lyrics by Me.
"Thinking" from Jeopardy.
"9000" clip from Dragon Ball Z.
"Again" clip from MLP (Return of Harmony)
"Deal with It" clip from MLP/Brony Fandom
"Of Course!" clip from Street Fighter: The Movie
"F*ck You!" clip from the Nostalgia Critic's The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog review.
Woodentoaster (Glaze) made the song based off of Aurora's story. She didn't copy the words. By the way The "You have beautiful eyes" was because as you know, Scoots looks up to RD no matter what.
2572242 1. No, I did my research. The song came first, and then Aurora made the story. Glaze himself confirmed this and Bronycon a year or two back. 2. I'm pretty sure if my hero tried to brutally murder me, I wouldn't look up to them any more.
2572260 I bet Aurora Dawn asked Woodentoaster to make the story off of his song then. But what about the Pegasus Device? Was that Aurora Dawn's on creation, or did she copy it off the song?
Carly
2572306 You're correct, Toaster made the song and Aurora. Pegasus Device, I'm not sure. I know there's a song, but I haven't read the story or compared the release dates, so I can't comment there. It was probably Dawn's though.
2572242 Anyways, did you like the review?
2572317 Seems like you put a lot of thought into it. It's............................. long.
2572335 Indeed. I try to make my reviews as accurate and entertaining as possible.
But I like this story! Yes, it has its flaws, but if you look past all of that there is a genuinely interesting concept, with a dystopian Equestria (heck, they use glue all then time), the criticisms of public education, and decent Steampunk horror. And I will not stop till you love this story as much as I do! And that's a promise
2574560 Then you can burn with it! This show is where opinions go to die! Just kidding, but nothing you say will get me to stop hating this.
For all intents and purposes, I see the fic as just a run-of-the-mill short story. The reason why so many people wanted to read it was because it was one of the earliest Fanfics out there when G4 first came out.
There is some potential for an interesting story when it comes to Rainbow Factory with a few added creative liberties if the author was willing to go that extra mile instead of leaving it a cut-and-dry Short Story affair like they have.
Such as perhaps the reason why Pegasi in it always seem to yell "Praise The Flock" could be because Cloudsdale exists as an isolationist city-state, a city-state that initially formed sometime after Celestia was forced to banish Luna to the Moon for 1000 years. Perhaps those early Pegasi back then tried to break contact with the surface on the grounds that many of them felt like their cultural heritage was under the threat of dying and took advantage of the emotional turmoil within Celestia to ratify their own semi-isolationism: where they provide the Surface with all of their weather needs while at the same time any Pegasi that are born to Non-Pegasi on the surface are automatically brought above the clouds to Cloudsdale to be properly taught the philosophy of The Flock in a very Spartan lifestyle where young Pegasi are raised by the Flight Academies instead of their own families in order to promote that desired image.
Because of the above, this could also give characters like Aurora Dawn, Orion, and Scootaloo another form of incentive to try passing their Flight Exam; a chance to finally know who their families really are, and ultimately why they would be saddened when they fail the exam. Taking this all a step further, on the grounds that the CWC seem to breeze through so many Failures on a daily basis would probably have something to do with the fact that Pegasus Culture and by-extension The Flock might have very loose definitions for family; essentially the Pegasi are all just a bunch of Swingers that have casual sex with whomever they want. And because of this casual attitude, it would also give credence to reason that many character personalities would inevitably be changed altogether or just outright missing from the setting when they would be present in the show.
In this version of Equestria, there would never have been a "Princess Cadence"; since according to the books she was originally born as a Pegasus that was found by Earth Pony farmers one day, and because of Princess Cadence's absence from the plot since she would have been taken into The Flock, it would have completely changed the story of Equestria dramatically. No Cadence means that Twilight Sparkle would have had a much different upbringing as Celestias' faithful student, and King Sombra would need to be defeated in another way since the last living member of the Imperial Family is now gone. On a much smaller scale, character personality types would be changed altogether such would be the case of Zephyr Breeze; due to him no longer having to live in Fluttershys' shadow from being seen as a Hero to Equestria, and as such might have seen Zephyr become a much more goal-oriented Pony, one who might have succumbed to the rhetoric and become a bully archetype of a character towards his parents instead of just being a freeloader like in the show.
Just a few little changes like this and Rainbow Factory would be on it's way to becoming something much more than it started out as in a Short Story format.