Present Perfect vs. G2 · 7:55pm Oct 18th, 2014
Yes, friends and neighbors, it's time for another journal wherein I, your handsome and intelligent host, regale you with snarky commentary on previous My Little Pony shows! But first, let’s get one thing out of the way: My Little Pony Tales is not "G2". Calling it “G2” is a helpful shorthand to differentiate it from “actual” G1, aka My Little Pony and Friends, given that it’s the second “wave” of MLP cartoons and has a very different look and feel from G1. But in reality, it’s season 3 of the G1 show.
Actual G2 ponies came out in 1997 (MLPT is from five years earlier). They had no animated show — G2 was the first generation to spawn a video game, however — and they looked like this:
This is Clever Clover. Who knew? Also, a guy. Who knew?
Honestly, not a bad design, a little more horse-like than G1 and not as bulky.
Anyway, I just wanted to get that out of the way to educate those not in the know. (Actually, it’s so that those in the know didn’t start yelling at me. :B) Let’s begin. I fully expect this to be painful. (The unofficial motto of my reviews is “I read/watch it so you don’t have to!”)
Slumber Party
It burns. I haven’t even gotten to the episode yet, because a full minute of the 11-minute runtime is taken up by the godawful intro. The song isn’t… horrible, all things considered, but I could have stood to not have the entire cast laid out in it. Not to mention the animation. It’s got the squash-and-stretch movement and ridiculous, wholly nonsensical facial expressions that were the hallmark of the crappier cartoons of the time. (We’re talking, like, Super Mario World, the aborted fifth season of TaleSpin, and the low-budget episodes of Tiny Toon Adventures where everyone got all floppy.) Granted, the G1 intro animation was pretty shoddy compared to many of the episodes, so maybe it won’t be so bad!
That optimism was entirely facetious, if you couldn’t tell! :D
The first thing I noticed was a familiar name: George Arthur Bloom, one of the My Little Pony and Friends writers, credited as writer once again. Things go quickly downhill from there. This starts off in medias res with the titular slumber party, which would have been a good thing if it wasn’t so godawfully mind-numbing. The animation is neither better nor worse than G1 proper (maybe with a few less errors), and when the ponies are on all fours, I could pretend I was watching G1 and hadn’t made a horrifically questionable life decision. But yes, they do occasionally shift to two legs for no apparent reason. (Also they use hand puppets. How does that work?) I couldn’t tell you much about the plot: normal slumber party stuff, then ghost story, then creepy trip to attic, then the worst song ever (god I hope we’re not still doing “one song an episode no matter what”), then I’m really not sure what just happened. A mention of Paradise Lake caught my attention but was quickly subsumed by all the what. All I know is that the ghost story, which was more a fairy tale with a sad ending, was far more interesting than anything else going on. Also, I couldn’t tell you much about the characters. There’s Starlight, Bright Eyes (hm!), Bon-Bon of course, Patch, and a couple others, but they all sound exactly the same. Given that this is the first episode, their lack of apparent distinguishing personalities is perhaps something that will fade in time, but honestly I’m not expecting it. (And it sounds like large portions of this episode were made by throwing a tape recorder into an actual slumber party and animating the results. It doesn’t help that the parent ponies — no, I don’t know whose they are — sounded like they were recorded in a basement. Save me.)
Oh, and to add disappointment to disappointment, they just recycle the intro for use as the outro.
Too Sick to Notice
Okay, so the first thing you have to know is that Bon-Bon has six siblings, including an older sister. (Judging by her voice, I’d say she’s well in her teens and the rest of the ponies are supposed to be around 12. Also, I just want to say that her dad has the most mellifluous voice I have ever heard. Why can’t we have a show about him?) Her youngest sibling, who, and I am not making this up, is just called Baby Pony, comes down sick and she gets jealous because he’s getting all the attention. So, in the most transparent way possible (after, yes, singing a song), she pretends to be sick. In doing so, she misses out on a bunch of stuff with her friends, and eventually feels bad because she’s running her parents and hundred siblings ragged trying to take care of two sick ponies. (Aside: apparently Cleveland exists in this show. What.) She then feels guilty, spills the beans, doesn’t get punished, and has to take care of her parents and thousand siblings because now they’re all sick from taking care of her. And they’re being demanding, just like she was. But she’s still not even karmically punished, because when one of her identical friends shows up, Bon-Bon says, and I quote, “Now I’ve got all the attention I can handle.”
I hate this show. D: I want to write a story about Lyra coming through the dimensions and punching this spoiled little idiot in the face. I’m going to call her girlfriend Sweetie Drops from now on, just because I don’t want her to ever be associated with this garbage cartoon or this garbage character in my mind ever again.
Battle of the Bands
Melody has a problem: she and her band, the Rockin’ Beats, want to go on PTV (think MTV for ponies), but her mom has to work at the hospital that night, and no one’s available to babysit her twin sisters. (Their names are Tingaling and Jingaling. They gave me baby pony flashbacks. Shudder.) So Melody ends up dragging them along to the TV studio like an idiot, and hijinks ensue. One thing I forgot to mention about this show is that it takes place in a modern (early 90’s) setting. They have phones, cars, TVs, and their houses are anything but fantastical. So yeah, PTV. Honestly, this episode didn’t make me want to throw my computer down the stairs, so that’s an improvement. Does it make up for the last one? Hell fucking no. (Bon-Bon does make a cameo, and can’t babysit because she’s grounded like she deserves. Best part of the episode.) It’s actually got kind of a decent ending, with the twins and Melody bonding over their shared experience. I also liked quite a few of the character designs, notably Melody’s keyboardist (I don’t think she was Half-Note, but I did notice one of them had that name), and the PTV VJ. There was also a hair metal band in there, which is always good. Unfortunately, for being an episode about music, the song was a major letdown. At first it seemed okay, but I could feel my gorge rise as it continued. Also unfortunate, because my lack of spontaneous organ failure means I have to keep watching. D: (I’ll know I’ve hit rock bottom when I start feeling nostalgic for baby pony episodes.)
And the Winner Is…
It’s funny: look at the titles of this episode and its predecessor back to back without any context, and you’d think they were a two-parter. You’d continue to think so upon seeing once again the PTV studios and Dazzle (that’s the VJ, apparently). This one, however, is about Lucky Clover winning tickets to see “The Cleveland Bays” (I told you so), so there’s even some continuity. But then, you guessed it, the whole thing turns into a compressed, not nearly as funny version of Ticket Master. Clover ends up having a second drawing at home, wins that too, goes to the concert, and finally realizes the magic of friendship scalping, and gets pizza so they can all enjoy the concert at home on TV. D’aww or whatever. This episode is notable for giving one of the ponies, Sweetheart, something of a personality. (She’s like, super-chill and kind.) Bon-Bon’s personality, for the record, is apparently “stuffs her face with everything”. But yeah, cut-rate Ticket Master featuring a scene with a postal worker that has something of a The Room vibe to it. I almost liked this one.
Stand by Me
So the little ponies find a body on the train tracks and…
Oh, sorry. No, actually this is about Teddy (oh yeah, time for the boy ponies) harrassing Melody over her brand new tape recorder wow such technology, breaking it, and then getting blamed when it goes missing. Their teacher (I think her name is Mrs. Hackney) proves that she deserves the Educator of the Year award by turning their upcoming mock trial lesson into a real trial to determine Teddy’s guilt and whether he’ll be suspended from school for the theft. I was shocked, because this has actual interpersonal conflict: Sweetheart ends up being the defense attorney because she’s the only one who’s friends with Teddy. (I don’t know if it’s intentional, but the only conclusion I can reach is that he’s sweet on her, which is why he’s nice to her. Also, he’s clumsy as fuck.) She comes off as a second-rate Fluttershy; I am trying very hard to not get attached. Anyway, the real culprit ends up being this Jack Lemmon-looking janitor (seriously, what the fuck is up with that guy’s design?) and all is well at the school playset. (I forgot to mention during the last episode, it was shown that they exit the school via slide.) I hate to say the episodes are getting better, but, well, it’s all relative. My mantra continues to be “are you fuckin’ kidding me? what the fuck is going on?”
The Tea Party
Oh boy, a tea party. And fuck, it’s the one with the “Boys, Boys, Boys” song. D: So much for the episodes getting better! The weird thing is, this episode isn’t about boys at all. Let’s back up.
This starts off with Sweetheart and fatass Bon-Bon going into a spooky, abandoned house that turns out to be the ponies’ secret clubhouse. They bicker over whether to change their “No Boys Allowed” rule, deciding to put it to a vote later after an awkward lesson about not being prejudiced. (Somewhere, a Tumblr feminist is frothing at the mouth and doesn’t know why.) Following the aforementioned awful song, they come back to the house to find their stuff being removed! Gasp, it must be thieves! Cue Home Alone-style setting up of traps (honey is not white), and an assault on what turns out to be a family of identical ponies (with admittedly cool designs) who bought the house and were clearing out the “old junk” before moving in. So they make up, fix the place up, and the family builds/buys them a new clubhouse in the backyard, whereupon the initial scene comes into play and they vote to allow the family’s son, Logan (what’s with these names?) into their club. But not his parents, of course, because adults are dumb or something.
The Masquerade
Everyone does well on a test and is rewarded by the school with a masquerade ball (because that’s something that happens in education), with the caveat that they must dress as what they want to be when they grow up. The conflict here is that Bon-Bon wants to be a fashion model (you better believe I was laughing a lot at this one) but is afraid everyone will laugh at her costume (cuz she know she fat). Her mom convinces her to go, but she’s barely through the doors before she hears laughter and takes off into the Everfree forest in tears. The fun part of this episode was looking at all the costumes and going “what the fuck kind of job is that?” I mean, I seriously think one of them was dressed as a werewolf; someone needs to have a talk with that kid. Also, Teddy was dressed as a pirate, and Sweetheart was a doctor and I think I can’t resist liking her anymore, dammit. Anyway, this episode has the best background music, when the other ponies dash off to find Worst Pony: just this really heavy, dramatic piano that I couldn’t help notice. Oh, and the whole problem was that when Bon-Bon showed up at the thingy, everyone was laughing at Patch, who decides to suddenly have a personality in this episode (she dressed up as a clown because she “works hard at being silly”; Pinkie Pie she is not). So Bon-Bon almost falls off a cliff, the fat bitch, and gets saved by new boy pony Lancer, who wants to be an adventurer and whose costume includes actual rope. I mean, dang, he was actually prepared. They dance at the dance and a second pony couple is secured. (y tho)
Out of Luck
Why are the parent ponies so much more interesting than their idiot children? This one starts out with Clover hunting for junk with her dad, who’s a sculptor. That right there, an artist using found materials to make sculptures? That’s really neat! Anyway, Clover finds a teapot, takes it back to — holy continuity, Batman! — their new clubhouse and starts making wishes on it because someone brings up Aladdin for no reason. The first wish (which makes no sense) “causes” it to rain, and the second ends up with her getting covered in glue. These two mishaps, one of which was just more or less what she actually wished for, cause her to start thinking her luck’s gone bad. (As we know from And the Winner Is, Clover’s ‘special talent’ — assuming those exist in this world — is being lucky.) She spends a lot of time moping over this, having more mishaps, getting grounded (seriously, she gets grounded like five times over the course of the episode) and trying to get rid of the teapot, which keeps returning to her in hilarious ways. Watching her slowly lose her mind over the course of the episode was actually really enjoyable, and I think this is the first one I can say I genuinely liked, even given its flaws. (Thank you for reminding us this was the nineties, episode; no one says “Not!” anymore) It’s just got a slightly more solid foundation than other episodes to date (though viewed through the lens of G1’s episode about luck, it pales in comparison).
The Play’s the Thing
Fuckin’ Shakespeare now? :/ C’mon.
Uh, okay, so whoever encoded this left the commercial bumpers in. I only bring this up because the “we’re back” one features Bon-Bon shoveling something (butter, I would assume) into her mouth. I lost it.
Anyway, this unsurprisingly involves the little ponies putting on a school play. It starts out with Melody being a conceited diva and getting the lead role. (Bon-Bon lands the role of “wise old woman”, to which she replies, “Great, just what I always wanted to be: a chubby old hag.” No points for guessing my reaction.) Anyway, “Melody is a bitch” is the main conflict. The other ponies get fed up with her shit and make her look like a fool during dress rehearsal, after which she just kind of puts two and two together and stops being a bitch for whatever reason. This isn’t a particularly bad episode, but it’s also fairly dull. They rush the moral section so there can be a whole minute or so of actual play at the end. (I agree with Teddy: the play is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.) We do at least learn that soccer pony (Ace) has a crush on Melody, and Starlight is apparently the hairdresser. Although I was pretty sure she worked at the ice cream place too. Maybe her special talent is having a job. :B
Shop Talk
Time for the gossip episode! D: The first half of this is eye-rolling garbage, as you’d expect, complete with gossip-themed rap song. (Though the mention of “Count Appaloosa” made me smile.) Then it gets surprising: Patch makes up a story about Teddy having a teddy bear, which Sweetheart inadvertently confirms by being Fluttershy. It was his only secret, and she was supposed to keep it safe, so cue more interpersonal conflict! Ace happens to overhear and tells Lancer, and soon Teddy’s in deep shit with the guys (because remember, his thing is being the tough one). He tells Sweetheart off (while — and I am not making this up — accidentally applebucking) and the girls devise a ridiculous plan to save Teddy’s reputation, which is about where the episode starts being garbage again. I was kind of impressed that this ended up being a big bonding episode for the three guys (I guess there aren’t any more), but it’s pretty bad overall. At least Sweetheart is still great, not to mention amusingly vindictive. (Also what the hell is wrong with this show? Two of the gossiped-about ponies are named Moonglow and… Justin? Also also, wtf is up with Lancer being charmed by Bright Eyes I thought he liked Bon-Bon and apparently this irritates me. :| Fat girls need love too, I guess. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget that twice, Lancer makes some of the goofiest fucking faces since the intro sequence. What the hell, show?)
The Impractical Joker
Surprising absolutely no one, this is the “Patch pulls too many practical jokes and needs to be stopped” episode. She starts by convincing three of her friends that they’ve won a contest to go on a date with the lead singer of the Cleveland Bays (who I’m starting to think are a running gag). Then she records Bon-Bon making a fool of her fat ass, which doesn’t seem to be a prank until she switches the tape for Bright Eyes’ school project. (I guess Bright Eyes is the smart one. Coulda fooled me.) At that point, everyone’s had enough of her shit, and decide to get her back. Their first trick fails because Patch is a pro, but after she lowers her guard, they’re able to get her with a fake UFO prank that is as stupid as it is elaborate. (Honestly, the “we don’t need you, just your brain” line was perfect.) Hilariously, despite falling for it hook, line and sinker, Patch just decides the best thing to do is to whip the design into shape and use it on some other ponies. Thus is nothing learned save the nihilistic futility of escalating conflict. I vaguely like this episode, though I can’t really explain why. Maybe it’s just that that final prank is ridiculous enough that it shut off my brain. Y’know, the one the alien ponies need.
The Great Lemonade Stand Wars
This is the worst episode ever and I love it. Where can I even start.
Okay, so, continuing on from the last episode, we see in full view that this show is about as far removed from “friendship is magic” as you could possibly get. The little ponies are all teasing Bon-Bon by tossing her diary around in their clubhouse, when Clover catches it and falls into the cabinet holding their tea set, breaking the whole damn thing. We find out that her first wish back in the clubhouse episode actually does make sense because “jangles” are their currency, and it’ll take 200 of ‘em to buy the new tea set they all like. Solution: lemonade stand! Business is swift, and unsurprisingly catches the ire of Ace.
We get a whole lot of character building for the boy ponies this time around, and yes, I’m convinced there are only three of them now. Ace is apparently the leader, and he turns out to be a ruthless douchebag with a head full of economic theory. Lancer, meanwhile is rich. (Teddy we already know about.) Ace decides they need to get in on the lemonade action, but Lancer isn’t so sure. Teddy accuses him of always siding with the girls, and they make him pony up the cash to build a fancy stand because he can afford it. Unfortunately for them, they suck at lemonade. The solution? Flirt. Ace literally says, “They don’t call me Prince Charming for nothing.”
So they set up a scenario wherein Ace stops Teddy from picking on Bon-Bon, and he charms her with a bike ride through the park, eventually getting her to spill the beans about the lemonade. When the ruse is revealed, Bon-Bon laments that she thought he liked her. This is some Leda and the Swan shit right here, I’m not even kidding. Anyway, things come to a head, they sing a terrible song to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It”, and Lancer defects, giving the girls the recipe for his house staff’s iced tea. (No, Teddy wasn’t kidding when he said Lance was rich.) They take all of the boys’ customers, and Ace and Teddy lambaste each other as they wander off into the sunset.
There’s just so much horrible shit going on here, from the rape metaphor to the rampant capitalism, that I can’t even begin to describe what this episode even means. It’s just, holy shit, this was meant for little kids. Why would anyone let them watch this garbage? Best episode yet.
Blue Ribbon Blues
Man, I love Teddy. I get that he’s just a bunch of stereotypes mashed together for comic relief, but he’s the closest thing to a nuanced character you’ll find in this show.
Anyway, this starts off with him and Sweetheart having relationship issues, and also revealing that he’s afraid of water. And likes farming. (The “accidental applebucking” from before is now even more hilarious.) And has a cousin named PCorny who lives on a farm. He takes Sweetheart there to prove that he’s actually good at something; no, it doesn’t make sense.
After Teddy doing his best Link impression and a dreary song (I was all excited when I heard the bluegrass strains starting up, but G4 still wins for country pony songs), the conflict comes to light that Corny is sweet on Sweetheart, and Teddy ain’t too happy about it. He takes out his ire on Corny’s pig, Yorkie, who’s slated to win a blue ribbon at the upcoming fair. (That awesome piano music from The Masquerade shows up again.) The pig takes matters into his own hands, climbing into Teddy’s room through the window at night (what? how?) and trying to steal his teddy bear (continuity!), which rips after a brief struggle. Everyone shows up and, to keep it a secret, Teddy says it was a surprise meant for Corny’s little sister. (Side note: Just like the fabulous family from the clubhouse episode, everyone in Corny’s family looks exactly like him. Which is to say, like that one OC from Swarm of the Century.) I don’t quite remember what happens next, but it ends up with Corny in the river and Teddy overcoming his hydrophobia to save his cousin. They make up, he impresses Sweetheart, the pig wins at the fair, and Teddy is able to trade a stuffed pig for his teddy bear back. Everyone’s happy. The final exchange is, “I guess you have a good side after all, Teddy.” “Yeah, well, don’t tell anyone.” I loved it. Halfway through the show, things seem to be looking up, but there’s still time for plenty of failure!
Roll Around the Clock
Wow, uh, where to start. A lot happens in this and it turns out to be surprisingly good. The main plotline is everyone preparing for a rollerdance competition (it was the 90’s) and Bright Eyes and Lancer not having partners. But before we get into that, I need to mention that all the main characters are paired up, which means a bunch more new boy ponies, most of whom I expect we’ll never see again. The only one who’s named is Dandy, who I think was with Clover. There was a depressio with a rope cutie mark, Patch pairs up with some guy who likes hockey, and Bon-Bon’s new paramour is just as fat as she is, with an ice cream cone mark. Teddy’s with Sweetheart, of course, and Ace is with Melody because they’re both dicks and they deserve each other.
So of course, everyone wants to get the two singles together, which means a makeover for Bright Eyes and the worst dating advice ever for Lance. Oh yeah, it’s worth mentioning that Lance is apparently a huge nerd, despite hanging out with Ace and Teddy, and Bright Eyes is clumsy as fuck. (Why does she wear roller skates behind the counter of the rink? That’s an OSHA lawsuit waiting to happen.) This is the other song sequence that I saw before watching the show, a bad rap song about ‘playing it cool’.
Thus duly made over, they bump into each other in the rink, things go poorly, and it seems the plan is a bust. The night of the contest, though, they make up by being themselves, and that’s what I liked about this: it actually shows us that all that bad advice is just that, and “just be yourself” works. No points for guessing that they win, but it’s mostly because everyone else either fucks up or isn’t there for rollerdancing. (Patch is too busy playing hockey, and Bon-Bon and ice creamo stand on the sidelines stuffing their faces. It was magical.) But yeah, this one’s got a very nice anti-romanticism message, which isn’t something I ever thought I’d see from this show.
Princess Problems
Oh boy, princesses. The King and Queen of the Pony Isles (???) come to Ponyland looking for their missing daughter. But that’s not important: this episode teaches us that Ponyland is a cruel wasteland populated by the corpses of dead pony parents and haunted by the cries of orphaned children. By which I mean it starts off with the main characters fixing up a playground at an orphanage. Where Patch came from before she was adopted. Yeah.
It’s good to see one of the characters getting any kind of development, but that’s counterbalanced by the fact that this is a really dumb episode. For starters, it’s painfully obvious that Patch is not the long-lost princess. A random orphan is given a name at the start, and that alone should tell you that she’s just dyed her hair (which is revealed around the halfway point, to no fanfare). Most of the rest of it is makeovers and the ponies being horribly oblivious to Patch’s internal angst because they’re all terrible friends and only care about the status being friends with a princess will bring them. (While this episode made me like Patch more, it also made me hate Melody more.) Patch’s scenes, where she struggles with the realization that being the princess would mean leaving the adoptive parents she loves so much, were good, but not quite enough to turn this trainwreck around. Also, the song was balls. (Though I should mention that the Queen is Fluttershy colors, as is Rosie when she washes out the hair dye. They both look like G1 Posie I wonder if that’s why they named her Rosie.)
An Apple for Starlight
Miss Hackney fucking dies has a stroke feels faint in the middle of class, and assigns Starlight to lead the rest of the lesson, with the help of a tape recording (???), while she goes off and does… whatever it is sick ponies do to get better in a hurry. Consume orphan souls, I’d imagine. Anyway, Starlight’s friends are all five years old and refuse to do anything she says, and she has to deal with “don’t want to be hated, but want to suck up to teacher”. Her solution? Field trip. Which is a good idea until they all get stuck in a cave. This isn’t the worst episode ever, but it suffers from feeling contrived, not to mention like the writers were pulling ideas out of a hat. And who teaches history alongside mechanics? This episode taught me that you can screw off in class and still learn things, and also that friends are useless if you can’t see them.
Up, Up and Away
The title just drives home the lack of pegasi and unicorns in this show. He said, not realizing he was being prophetic. So like The Great Lemonade Stand Wars, most of this episode was so bad it was good, and that was enough for me. I was, however, entirely unprepared for it to become amazing by the end.
We start out, amusingly enough, with Patch being excited over a UFO sighting in the newspaper. The ponies try to go up to the cliff where it’s been visiting, only to be turned away by the police. The next day, we see Patch lamenting the lack of adventure in her life, but hang on a second. Bright Eyes, as it turns out, is really good at notebook doodles, but we see her holding the pencil with an opposable hoof. Remember when I was wondering aloud how they use hand puppets? Turns out hooves are just mittens. This is the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen. D: And throughout this episode, we get closeup after closeup of the ponies holding all kinds of things with their awful, mutant mitten-hooves. D:D:D:
Anyway, back in the plot, Ms. Hackney is giving a lesson on aerodynamics and calls in her old boyfriend (no, I’m not kidding) Mr. Kiddoo, who is pretty much the Wizard of Oz. He’s too busy charming Hackney to actually be a useful guest teacher, and Patch ends up stealing the balloon. She somehow ends up taking Bon-Bon along, which confused me, because shouldn’t she be ballast? Anyway, they have a small adventure, sailing around everywhere, while Patch forcefully foreshadows the inevitable demise of the instruction manual that came with the balloon.
Okay, so, this episode taught me that the ponies are functionally retarded. Not only did Patch hop in the fucking balloon without a clue of what to do with it, Bon-Bon throws the fucking book at a bird. Y’know, the book that Patch keeps saying is the only thing keeping them aloft? How did she not know it was in the fucking basket? She is literally the worst.
Anyway, the balloon starts going down in shark-infested waters (Ponyland is a hellish nightmare world, after all), when who should arrive but the UFO. Now, up to this point, we’ve only seen it as a sparkling pink cloud, but at last its true nature is revealed! Hold onto your butts, there is no way to be prepared for this: three pegasi and an alicorn. What in the everliving hell just happened. Also they look like those design-a-pony figures no one cares about. Anyway, they fix the balloon, and all the while Patch is going, “Bon-Bon, you gotta see!” and Bon-Bon’s all, “No, I’m fat and ate too much which is why I’m sick and also I don’t believe a word you’re saying because I’m a terrible friend and also I’m stupid, wah wah.” Not a direct quote, but close. Anyway, they get back home, and that night, Patch teaches us that lawbreaking is magic, passing through the police blockade and seeing the magical flying ponies one last time. I know they’ll never be explained, and we’ll never see them again or find out where they came from, but this was fucking epic.
Sister of the Bride
The bride is Clover’s older sister, Meadowlark, who has a ballet slipper cutie mark and the hottest voice ever. I have a new favorite pony. :V Anyway, this is another “Clover is clumsy as hell” episode, a comedy of errors where she ruins everything and is saved only by virtue of her sister having the patience and optimism of a saint. (If only she were a little smarter…) More interesting than what’s going on — it’s pretty obvious that the French-accented pony talking about wedding stuff with Meadowlark’s French-accented husband-to-be, Cheval, is his sister — are the characters, specifically Clover’s mother. Maybe it’s just the situation, but she’s high-strung and anxious and the complete opposite of her patient older daughter. (The best part is when Meadowlark sends Clover and company out to run some errands; Clover reads the list, goes, “You want us to do all of that?” and her mother immediately replies, “You want them to do all that?” Her lack of faith in her daughter is hysterical.) I think this qualifies Clover as having the best parents. Also, Bon-Bon gets put in charge of fixing up the ruined cake (side note: I have actually eaten cake that blue) and spends all her time trying to eat it. Oh, and let’s not forget all the crying. Clover’s mom cries. Clover cries. Quite a few other ponies cry at the wedding. There’s even a scene with Sweetheart sitting in the middle of Clover’s living room, crying her eyes out for no reason whatsoever. It was kind of amazing. Not the greatest episode, but certainly a trip from start to finish.
Birds of a Feather
Alternate title: Bon-Bon Ruins Everything by Being Fat and Whiny. Bright Eyes, who I couldn’t recognize because someone had colored her green (this show has terrible character design), tells her friends about the creatively-named Greenwing Songbird, which hasn’t been seen in Ponyland in ages. She thinks they’re still around and wants to go find them and figure out a way to bring them back, so she, Bon-Bon, Patch and Ace go into the Whitetail Old Woods looking for them. They quickly get lost, Bon-Bon eats a week’s worth of food (that is, all their food) in an hour, and eventually they find out that logging of the Old Woods is decreasing the Greenwings’ habitat. They get back to town by using Bon-Bon’s diary in reverse as a guide, and get the logging to stop. The end. Notice how short that description is? Yeah. Heavy-handed environmentalism aside, this is the most boring episode of the whole show. Nothing about it was groan-worthy, but nothing was noteworthy either. In fact, the only decent scene involves Bon-Bon sitting her fat butt in a nettle bush and Ace using his Pony Scout’s Manual to determine that the only solution to the itching is rubbing mud all over her ass. It was pretty funny, though that was tempered by her displaying all of Rarity’s most negative qualities without the accompanying positive ones. I don’t know how they could screw this up so badly.
Send in the Clown
I was shocked that this didn’t end up being about Patch. This is a weird cross between Too Sick to Notice and The Play’s the Thing that ends up being better than either yet still a little “wha?” We start off with Clover’s sister Meadowlark showing up again and continuing to be best pony. It quickly comes to light that Clover has a Sweetie Belle complex: her older sister is talented, graceful, pretty, and famous, and Clover tries really hard to be like her despite being none of those things. Now I understand both why she dressed as a ballerina for The Masquerade, not to mention her line from Sister of the Bride about everything always going wrong when she’s around her sister. Like, major continuity and character-building dump here, guys! (I would like Clover more if her voice wasn’t so annoying, for the record. She’s about, ohh, fifth best pony.)
Anyway, Meadowlark’s company is in town to perform The Nutcracker. Like, yes, the actual ballet, costumes, music and everything. Clover’s little ballet group is called upon to be understudies, which of course means that Clover ends up in the production in short order. How does she cope with the sudden knowledge that she’s going to be performing in front of an audience?
She develops amnesia.
So, okay, first of all, between this and Out of Luck, we learn that Clover is the mentally unstable one of the group. Second of all, WHAT? Not only is this a really weird response to stage fright, it’s never explained if she’s actually pretending or not. I mean, I guess she is, but I’m not sure she’s smart enough to really pull it off. Anyway, a quick late-night pep-talk from her sister gives her the gumption to go through with it, and she gets applause, the end. Really, all I learned from this is that Meadowlark is the best older sister a stupid, clumsy pony like Clover could ask for. And also Clover’s dad is smooth. But seriously, what?
Happy Birthday, Sweetheart
I’d like to welcome you back to the “Teddy is a dickhole” show. This episode taught me that no one deserves to be friends with Lancer (except Sweetheart) because he is the nicest fucking pony ever, for srs. If he and Meadowlark teamed up, they would probably ascend to alicornhood and spread peace and love across Ponyland forevermore.
Once again, we start off in the strangest way possible: Starlight is leading four of her friends in a synchronized swimming routine, of all things, ahead of competing the Paradise Lake Synchronized Swimming Contest. Like ya do. (Once again, let us take a moment to remember that G1 proper takes place in the far-flung, post-apocalyptic future of MLPT, Adventure Time-style.) Their practice is ruined by Teddy with, I kid you not, a giant rubber octopus. (Why are they mad? He brought them tentacles! They must not read fanfiction.)
Anyway, he ends up fucking up their performance at the contest too, and they all get mad at him, giving Sweetheart an ultimatum: either uninvite Teddy from your birthday party, or we’re not going. Sweetheart, unable to choose between friends, makes the bold decision to cancel her party (I applauded). Lancer, meanwhile, being a Good Fucking Friend, is upset that she’s sad, and so takes matters into his own hooves.
I should mention that we get to see his house, finally. It’s huge, it’s opulent, it’s got a swimming pool… and a boat. And I’m not talking a luxury yacht, either, this is a fucking mini-cruise ship, with smokestacks and everything. He lures Teddy aboard with the old “Hey, do you wanna go sailing on my dad’s ship that he named for me?” routine (Teddy’s easy to impress), and locks him in a room with the six girls, demanding they sign a peace treaty before he orders the ship back to shore. Can we say best plan ever? Also, this leads us to one of the greatest exchanges ever:
Teddy: Well, you’re just a pony who thinks she knows everything!
Clover: That’s not true, Teddy. Bright Eyes doesn’t know everything!
Bright Eyes: Do too!
They don’t agree until he gives them the “do it for Sweetheart!” talk, and the party resumes as a surprise party at Lancer’s. Sweetheart gets her wish, but hang on a second, hold the phone: she turned ten? These bitches ain’t ten motherfuckin’ years old! :| MLPT, you trippin’.
Gribet
Ever since I started watching this series, I’ve been dying to know just what the fuck is up with this episode’s title. Sure enough, this one’s about a frog, and also Sweetheart completing her transformation into Fluttershy. (I’d mention the lack of wings, but it’s not as if Fluttershy needs them.) She finds a hurt frog out in the woods, brings him back, and takes him to a vet. After he heals up, no thanks to any of them (seriously, they’re all terrible), they decide on who gets to keep him. Interestingly, that’s not the conflict: instead, this focuses on Spot (yeah, Sweetheart’s just as comedically bad at naming things as actual Fluttershy) wreaking havoc across Ponyland as various ponies bring him home with them. The conflict is resolved when Ms. Hackney tells them to put that thing back where it came from, so help me, and they do. The end. This is one of the shittiest filler episodes I’ve seen yet, though there’s something comforting about knowing the show still has crap episodes left in it. I can’t really even think of anything to comment on, save that it was amusing how only the adults were scared of the frog, Starlight doesn’t know what a banana split is (she literally just hands a customer a banana), and Bright Eyes’s character is “all of Twilight Sparkle’s worst parts combined”.
Bon Bon’s Diary
And the animation budget has run out! Yes, all the character designs are bizarrely squashed, and we’ve attained flippy heads syndrome. Not to mention the pacing is way fast. Good gravy. This starts off with Bon-Bon getting an ultimatum from her mother: get a good grade on tomorrow’s math test, or no more baking. Bon-Bon, in a fit of gluttony-fueled pique, makes a cheat sheet and cheats on the test. (She’s really bad at math; they’re doing the two-times tables!) Afterward, she writes about her regrets over doing so in her diary, and misplaces it near Teddy, the clumsy bitch.
Teddy, ever the gentle--pfffhaha, no, he reads it and starts blackmailing her into being his personal servant, not to mention his date to some upcoming dance. Despite, y’know, having learned his lesson about secrets earlier in the season and already having a girlfriend. (It’s worth noting that, while the song is extra-horrible this time around, the ponies’ secrets are pretty funny.) After finding out she got an A+ on the test, Bon-Bon calls Sweetheart, setting off what is absolutely the greatest scene in the whole show. Seriously, if you can find this episode, it’s the telephone sequence about eight minutes in. Bon-Bon’s doing that surreptitious “what if you know someone who knows someone” thing and Sweetheart’s all, “It was Teddy, right?” “W-well, I can’t really say—” “Stow it, fatty, I gots dis.” And then Sweetheart put out a cigarette in Bon-Bon’s eye. Probably.
Anyway, Sweetheart, in a phenomenal display of passive-aggression. reminds Teddy that he’s got secrets of his own, so he goes and tries to apologize. Bon-Bon doesn’t listen and turns herself in to Ms. Hackney so his blackmail won’t hold anymore. She’s sentenced to a do-over on the test, and gets a C+. Teddy meanwhile confesses that he just wanted to ask her to the dance and didn’t know how to WAIT HOLD THE PHONE. BON-BON IS NOT STEALING SWEETHEART’S BOYFRIEND WHAT. Seriously, the interpersonal relationships in this show are what keep me going, yet they get thrown to wayside more often than a wrapper off one of Bon-Bon’s innumerable emergency candy bars. Teddy has already called Sweetheart his girlfriend in a previous episode! (And Sweetheart’s secret is she can’t confess her feelings about Teddy? We already fucking know!) Not that I’d be surprised at him two-timing, but come on, it’s Sweetheart. You better believe I mad. :| That said, I liked this one overall (the other best part was Starlight serving Bon-Bon in the float shop), I’m just sorry the production values weren’t higher.
Just for Kicks
Starlight likes Ace, but Ace likes Melody: cue one of “those” episodes. You can tell this is a shit episode because it’s the first one with a song reprise, aka “way to fill space”. Anyway, it centers around Starlight trying out for the soccer team because — holy continuity from last episode! — Ms. Hackney, her personal advisor, suggests developing a shared interest to get Ace to notice her. (Also continuity from last episode’s song: the workout session at the start.) Starlight proves that her special talent is being perfect at everything (i.e., the opposite of Clover), turning out to be a natural at soccer. This alienates Ace because she’s kind of showing him up, even if he’s still better than her. Fast-forward to the Big Match, Starlight comes onto the field with thirty seconds left, scores the tie-breaking goal, and Ace gets pissed. Then he magically decides to not be a raging dickwad for once in his life and comes to the ice cream shop the next day to talk ‘technique’. Gag me, who cares.
Ponies in Paradise
Man, they really saved the worst for last, didn’t they? Bright Eyes is selected to become a foreign exchange student on… Tropical Island. (Which is shaped like a pony.) For a whole week, wow, such learning, very culture. Her friends get her wound up with stories about things they’ve “heard” about the place and she spends the rest of the episode acting like an idiot because of this. Man, this episode is just racist as fuck, there, I said it. :| Way to blow the “go to different places so you can stop being prejudiced” message, show.
Who’s Responsible?
Ahh, the question I’ve been asking myself since I started on this ride: whose responsible this? Time for another episode about environmentalism! And amazingly, though this is a little heavy-handed, they do a good job with the “anyone can be a polluter” message. Like, this is not the kind of thing that would really fly today, but back in the 90’s, with Captain Planet and all, I think it would have worked. Having them all go out looking for “the bad guy polluter” while simultaneously tossing their own garbage in the river is a pretty effective tactic for something trying to be educational. Also, Patch is totally amazing in this episode. Also, we know they celebrate Christmas now! But really, I kind of wish they’d stayed away from the big issue episodes, they’re still cheesy as hell.
And there you have it! My Little Pony Tales, the Equestria Girls (but not Rainbow Rocks!) of G1. New style, girlier, stories based around school life, and yes, bipedal characters. Was it as bad as I thought? Actually no, but it’s still pretty bad, and unless you have a particular fondness for bad 90’s cartoons, I really wouldn’t suggest going out of your way to watch it. It could have used more directed writing, I think, and less grouping episodes centered around the same pony all together (or more: have two episodes about Starlight, and then two about Bon-Bon so we actually get to know them in sections rather than piecemeal). It definitely drags G1 down by association. Thank goodness there wasn’t a second season, right? Still, there were some worthwhile characters (okay, well, there was Teddy and I mostly liked Sweetheart because Fluttershy; sidenote, Teddy and Sweetheart are now my headcanon parents for Snips), and a couple of “so bad they’re good” episodes alongside the ones that weren’t entirely bad. In fact, there were enough for me to make a top ten episodes list:
1) Up, Up and Away
2) The Great Lemonade Stand Wars
3) Out of Luck
4) Blue Ribbon Blues
5) Stand by Me
6) Roll Around the Clock
7) Sister of the Bride
8) The Masquerade
9) Send in the Clown
10) Bon Bon's Diary
Before I take the final dive into, shudder, G3, I think it’s high time I caught up on Adventure Time and Gravity Falls. :V Yes.
This had a bunch of laughs for me all the way through.
My favorites were Princess Problems and Up, Up, and Away!
Pony hoof mittens. That's genuinely horrifying.
Bless you, good sir, for enduring this for us.
When you get to G3.5, I want you to review Whimsy Weatherbee's episode. Also, I now have reasons backing up my theory of Clover the Clever being male. Thank you present perfect!
They called me mad for writing Clover the Clever as a stallion! But who's laughing now, fandom?!
We do not speak of the old testament.
2541378
As far as I can tell, G3.5 is just Princess Promenade. :B I'm not too sure about the site I'm using, as far as having G3+ stuff. I know it doesn't have all the G3 movies and that is okay with me.
Bon Bon and Bright Eyes - my two favorite ponies, Rarity and Twilight, rendered completely unlikable.
I'm sad now.
2541378
2541382
I'm not the only one who see's Clover as male! Yes!
Also, this was utterly hilarious. I couldn't stop giggling.
I wish you luck. Though catching up on superior cartoons might just make you realize how rubbish the other stuff is...
2541596
Oh believe me, I know. :V I think I have the ability to enjoy any show if I give it enough time. Maybe I should go back to LPS...
Nice write-up. Even if most of the episodes were duds, it's cool to see some of the kernels that would be used in G4. I never saw this season, I was too busy with the Disney Afternoon, and from your analysis, it looks like something to skip without remorse.
I do like the idea of expanding relationships, even if the pairings fluctuate from episode to episode.
Good luck with the next season. If I remember CR!'s brief overview, there's even more boring stuff to come.
This was quite amusing, brave sir.
So, after watching the whole series, how accurate was Tommy Oliver's analysis?
[youtube=ObeiQ8oWkMU]
2542214
Just by that alone, it's pretty accurate.
It's not entirely about the power of lust, as only a third of the episodes or so deal with the relationships, but those episodes definitely embody this concept, and when it comes to the world, the pathos, etc., he's spot on.
ALSO FUCK HE'S GOT A CLIP OF LANCER'S GODDAMN FACE IN SHOP TALK
2542257
Yeah, it's pretty amazing looking back even 20 years and seeing how "girl's shows" used to so uniformly do the whole "you're incomplete as a person unless a boy likes you" thing.
In its way, G1 was miles more subversive. Even without all the crap it snuck under the radar, it had Megan.
2542655
Yeah. And I'd like to think that every time the brony fandom complains about
BradFlash Sentry, they're channelling this idea, even subconsciously. But they aren't, they just want their waifu back. :(The "Baby Pony" name can be easily explained. Ponyland is such a hellish place, that most babies won't make it to early childhood. Naming them would be too painful, so they stay as "Baby Pony".
2543228
Beautiful. It's perfect. Also why families have a shitton of kids, to make sure one or two will make it to maturity.
Huh. And here I thought Lyra was the fat one.
2544071
Only when she's dating Feeder Bon-Bon. :V
2544119
I guess she needed someone else to deflect your fat jokes away from her.