The Cynical Brony- Pilot Episode- "Return of Harmony Review"

Hello, I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to! Today, I'd like to talk about arguably the most famous episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic... The Return of Harmony. Being one of the shows darker episodes, I feel it's my duty as a completely insane Brony to highlight all it's pros and cons. Let's begin, shall we?
So the episode starts off with Cheerily leading her class on a field trip to Canterlot. Fun Fact: In this opening shot, the universe forgets that Twist has a cutie mark. Fair enough, I didn't bother remembering her at all, let alone her cutie mark. "And here we are at the world famous Canterlot Statue Garden!" Yes, those three statues that look exactly the same and the slightly different statues in the back REALLY draws your breath away, doesn't it?
"That one over there represents friendship," BULLCRAP. Those don't look like my pony dolls at all! "Wouldn't a symbol of victory be a cool cutie mark?" Yeah, You're right Scootaloo, that would be pretty awes- "COOL, if you were actually victoryful at something!" 0_0 Damn Applebloom, aren't you two supposed to be friends? Also: 1. Learn proper grammar, you inbred buffoon! 2. Where the hell did your accent go? "That's not a word!" Thank you, Sweetie- "What are you, a dictionary?!" :O Scootaloo! What the actual hell has gotten into you three?!
ANYWAYS, they come to an interesting statue... and the CMC go into an all out hoof-fight over whether the statue represents evil, chaos, or confusion. Is it something in the air? Why's everyone being an a$$hole? *Laughs* Oh my God, look at Cheerily's expression. That is the ultimate face of disinterest and boredom. All the sudden, the center of the statue turns red for a second. Animation error? Foreshadowing? Someone's figure print? No-one knows! (I know.)
After preventing somepony from getting their lights knocked out, Cheerily explains that it represents Discord; (verb/proper noun) disharmony or extreme tension between two or more individuals. As they move to the next statue, Discord suddenly starts cracking and crumbling. So it WAS foreshadowing. Maybe the Cutie Mark Crusaders will get their cutie marks in stupidity, or maybe demon summoning? And theme song.
Then we see Rainbow Dash, the best pony ever, enjoying a nice flight until she gets b*tch slapped by a pink cloud. Usually I have to smoke something before I see that... anyways, back to the episode. Rainbow chases after it and- "Eew, what is this stuff?" And five million clopfics were born that day! Just for a moment, look at who wrote this episode: Yep, the man that single handedly killed half the fandom in just two minutes created the best villain the show ever had. Think about that before you post M.A Larson hate.
The cloud seems to be made out of... cotton candy? What? Well, that doesn't make a damn lick of sen- wait, I forgot what I was watching for a second there. Then more CCC's appear and start to swarm her. Is that rain... brown? Hmm...
The camera then cuts to Sweet Apple Acers, where we see Applejack doing farm-y things. Then we here Dash yelling and the candy clouds roll into the farm, raining the brown liquid in a full on storm. Hmm... anyways. "Rainbow Dash! What's going on with this rain? I mean, chocolate milk?" 0_0 Wait... is this going where I think it's going...? >:) "I mean, Chocolate Milk Rain?" CHOCOLATE RAIN! SOME WILL HIDE WHILE OTHERS FEEL THE PAIN, CHOCOLATE RAIN!
"Cloudsdale is getting soaked by a giant cola storm right now!" Ah, that reveals a few things: 1. Soda DOES exist in this universe. 2. If you pour anything into the cloud-making machine, whatever you put in will come out as rain. *chuckles* Heh, screw you, Applejack. Enjoy some of my Popcorn. Also, chocolate rain makes normal corn turn into Popcorn. 'Kay. Oh, and here's Pinkie enjoying some of Discord's CHOCOLATE RAIN while it lasts.
What the hell is Rarity wearing? It looks like something a brony with too much money would put on their dog if it's raining! *Pop! Pop! Pop! Boing!* AND THE APPLES CAN NOW KILL PEOPLE?! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! LOOK OUT! *sees two guys get crushed by the meteor sized apples*
Erm, sorry. That sound effect brought back some bad Bronycon memories. They didn't stand a chance... back to the show now...
Ah, look at the cute little anim- oh my God, what the hell is that? Fluttershy, what did you do?! " Oh no! It's not possible!" Well, clearly something happened! Why are these bunnies as tall as me? Then Twilight and Spike show up. I don't know how they knew all their friends were at Sweet Apple Acers, but magic talking ponies. That's all that needs to be said. "I learned a new spell that'll fix everything!" And now I know for sure that she's going to fail to do anything. Thanks for that compelling dialogue, Larson.
And, as predicted, the spell accomplished a grand total of -5. "My failsafe spell... failed! What do we do?" Wait for the inevitable. A letter from Princess Celestia, I mean. Said letter arrives, commercial break, and 10 minutes of my life is wasted as MLP's most evil villain panders on the screen: GAK. Screw. GAK. "Princess Celestia wants us all in Canterlot immediately!" I wonder if it has to do with the cotton candy clouds and giant animals...

When we come back, we find Celestia walking back and forth. I'm sorry, but... I'm walking on Sunshine! Oh whoa! Twilight arrives, and either Celestia left the door open or no one felt like pointing that little detail out. "An old foe of mine has returned, one I thought I defeated long ago, his name is-" I curse the name, the one behind it all... "Discord." I'm howling at the moon, and sleeping in the middle of a summer afternoon! Huh. Apparently Fluttershy is scarred of stained glass windows. "Discord-" Are we your prey alone, or are we just a stepping stone to taking back the throne?! Seriously, I could do this all day. "is the mischievous spirit of disharmony." Gee, sounds like Bill Cipher. And Mr. Myxlspitlick. And Q. And every other reality bender ever. Oh, and Celestia and Luna beat Discord by getting him stoned.
Yep, that sounds like Trollestia. Sweeps her troubles under the rug and is surprised when it comes back. "Hey look! We're famous!" We're the guys who blew up a member of the royal family with our plastic jewelry! "Hold on a second!" 0.0 "Eternal chaos comes with chocolate rain, you guys!" *breaths* CHOCOLATE RAI-

Sorry. So Celestia unlocks the safe and... it's empty. Well, we're dead. *Puts on fake horns* All hail king Discord! And more. F*cking. GAK.

Speaking of which, enter Discord. One of my favorite villains of all time. King of Chaos, Corrupter of Harmony, expert of the Dinosaur dance, and Q: Ponified. Seriously, appears in bright flashes of light, chaotic personality, and played by John De Lance. Just watch his opening scene. "Twists and Turns are my ultimate plan, to find your Elements, go back to where it all began." And Twilight assumes it's the labyrinth despite the fact that the labyrinth is only fitting into the twists and turns part. On that day, she opened the Twilight Sparkle school of not thinking through your plans.
When they get there, Rainbow gets the idea to fly over the maze to see where the Elements are. Then Discord takes her wings off WHILE she's in the air, Fluttershy's wings and Twilight and Rarity's horns following soon after. The rules of Discord's game are simple: No magic, no wings, and no quitters. Pretty fair when you think about it. "As long as we stay together, we're fine." They get one step inside and are immediately split up by Discord. Nice going, morons.
Then Discord starts playing mind games. Applejack is confronted by three Apple demons while looking for the Elements, and asks what will become of her friends. And they show her what will happen in part 2. Seeing the future drives Applejack to madness and starts lying her flank off because it's the only grasp of sanity she has left. Or at least, that's how I interoperate it. What really happens is Discord stares Applejack in the eyes and hypnotizes her to lie all the time. Pinkie Pie literally goes insane after Discord makes her face-plant in the mud by attacking her with an evil balloon and having balloon versions of her friends laugh at her misery. Rarity breaks her face on a rock and thinks it's a diamond after her concussion, throws it on her back and names it George. Just kidding, she names it Tom. Rainbow Dash actually finds her Element, but Discord confronts her directly, giving her a choice: Stay and help her friends take him down while Cloudsdale burns, or take her wings, saving the city but dooming her friends. Rainbow eventually decides the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and takes her wings, but Discord hypnotizes her anyway. Nice guy, Discord. Lastly, Fluttershy is confronted, and COUNTER TROLLS Discord to the point where he give up the mind games and straight up mind wipes her to be cruel. Oh yeah, and everyone's the opposite of their Element now. With Dash having left, Discord ends the game, and stands as the winner.

Twilight tries to argue with Discord, but he's just much smarter and much wittier. While that's going on, Applejack decides it's time to piss off Rarity and hops on Tom, while the anti-Christ, erm, I mean, Pinkie starts poking Rarity. Apparently Everyone came to the conclusion that Rarity must suffer for her past sins. When they start going back towards Ponyville, they find it's become a mixture of Hell, Wonderland, and some of Hysenburg's crystal meth. The so-called Chaos capital of the World has bits of earth floating in the sky, the town hall is also in the sky, upside-down, the roads are made out of soap and the ground looks like G-Mod's missing texture symbol. 0.0 Okay... I defiantly have to smoke something before I'm supposed to see... this.
Then Twilight gets trampled to death by a bunch of the Hell Bunnies.

Okay, not really. No, she lives, but Fluttershy does say this: "Good boy, Angle. Momma's so proud!" -_- That's not the worst thing she does this season. By the time they get back to the library, Twilight looks like she's going to kill the basterds if someone doesn't take them away. Then Fluttershy crushes Twilight's flowers. From now on, she will be called "Psycho-shy", named after her insane daughter from another universe. Fluttershy continues to be evil inside, and Twilight has had enough from these idiots. After a short chase scene, I get one of my favorite jokes of the entire show: "Alright, you jerks, necklace, necklace, necklace, necklace, big crown thingy!" ;D Twilight confronts Discord with the Elements, but they don't work. While the show's answer is that Dash isn't there, I feel it's that everyone hates each other so much while Discorded. After some Discord style taunting, the Elements of Disharmony abandon each other, leaving Twilight to mope around, until Discord comes back AGAIN! Does he have nothing else to do? Like kill Celestia and Luna? Take over the Dragon, Changeling, and Griffon empires? Replace all the air on Earth with Brandy (TM) Beer and watch the world go to Hell even further? Man, being disharmony incarnate is surprisingly boring. Anyways, Twilight decides to move to one of those countries I just mentioned to get away from Discord. She packs her things, throws the McGuffin of Magic in the trash, and is about to leave when Spike accidently burns her alive.

Oh come on! This thing is so big, why can't I end it early?! Fine, dammit. Spike doesn't burn her death, he pukes up a bunch of letters that turn out to be Twilight's Friendship Reports. She slowly remembers who she is, and with her restored confidence, goes out to fix her friends. It sums up to this: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU, APPLEJACK!, THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU, FLUTTERSHY!, THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU, PINKIE PIE!, THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU, RARITY!, and THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU, RAINBOW DASH!

We cut back to Discord, who is drinking a chocolate milk of glass, and sitting next to a house of cards. Then, our heroes step forward, each using their own McGuffin of Harmony. And what does Discord do, faced with the only thing that can stop him, the firing pin actually in this time? Nothing. He sits there while they basically shoot him to death with the universe's slowest charging laser-based weapon of mass destruction ever. Run, you idiot! Take literally five steps to the right, and you'll live! Why are you still sitting there?! MOVE, YOU BLOODY MORON! Fine then. TASTE THE RAINBOW! And our heroes are victorious, their friendship as strong as can ever be.
Final thoughts: As much of a thorough lashing I gave this thing, It's my third favorite episode of the show. It just had so many jokes possible, it would be a waste I didn't do it. I'm Cynical Brony, and dear lord that's a lot of text up there!

Credits:
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Lauren Faust and Hasbro Inc.
"The Return of Harmony" Written by M.A Larson
"Discord" by Erobeat Brony
Clips:
"Get On With It" from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Inspirations:
The Nostalgia Critic
Atop the 4th Wall
The Mysterious Mr. Enter
Cinema Sins

Comments

[The Cynical Brony]

Any new comers, a little warning: This was a pilot I wrote about a year ago and published on the 9th of October, so it's not nearly as good as my current episodes.