Mistakes Were Made... and Self Critiquing!

Ha, so, I've got to stories out and reflecting on both of them, I'm not happy at all with either for the most part. I'll leave them up though because I think once I suck less at the whole writing thing I'll preen through the one-shots and re-work them to my liking. Also, I decided to adjust how I was going to post the one-shots because it's potentially much easier to see proper criticism and feedback from individual posts. I'm actually surprised that neither story has negative ratings, you fanfic readers are far too kind. XD

Anyway, critiquing Sportsball:
So for this one, first I thought I would do a mix of on field description plus announcer nonsense mixed in. And, well, I did do that. The difference is I was originally setting it up to be four plays. I quickly realized that would be way too long... so I shortened it to two plays. As it turns out, that still was one too many plays. If I were to go back and do this one again in the same style, I would start with the announcers still, but they would be providing a recap and giving insight to some of the players' backgrounds. This would also give me the freedom to dig way deeper into detailing the action of individuals taking place all over the field. But then again, if I wasn't trying to limit myself on time spent per story, I could do that anyway.

The other thing about that one is the fact that I did do a split of on field and announcing. I considered two other options: no announcing whatsoever, and announcing only. I decided against announcing only because I think that would end up very dry and only humorous to huge fans of football and particular haters of the ones I was mocking. Granted, I could have chosen to pick better announcers, but then why not just write the story normally? Yeah, why not write it out normally? Well, because I really wanted to have that announcer dry humor and wanted to mock them a bit (they're pretty terrible). But now that that's out of my system, I think a re-imagining of the last one or two plays and celebration represented from a more personal perspective would relate much better and could actually entertain people that didn't give a crap about sportsball. People would be interested because of the characters and their passion, which is a good thing. But then this would easily be a multi-chapter story about a charity game to restore Twilight's library...

And speaking of Twilight, I guess I'll share some random headcanon I came up with, but did not make mention of. Because it was a charity match, all the elements were supposed to participate in some fashion against a real hoofball game for funsies. Twilight was participating as head coach of the Rainbooms, but she kind of got cut out when I cut out half the plays. The Minotaurs, of course, play in their stadium known as The Labyrinth. They were supposed to be coached by Bill Bellycoat, a billy goat with a piercing stare, a notorious hoody wearer, and a habit of chewing on playbooks instead of showing emotion. He was cut out for the same reasons as Twilight. Rarity was supposed to provide the team with uniforms, but somepony locked her in an elevator after seeing the outlandish designs. Shining Armor and Spike were in the stands eating corndogs. Rainbow's real motivation for wanting to win was because the winner of the charity game got twice as much to go to their fund. This only mattered because Twilight promised her a private Daring Do section if they won.What's that? Motivation? You should have been included! Well, I mean, of course Rainbow would want to win, but this kind of motivation would explain the kissy faces at the end instead of me just randomly appeasing someone >_>. Oh, and I considered parodying John Elway as The Hay. He would have robust front teeth and be hailed as GOAT (greatest of all time) and known as the Comeback Kid. Definitely a billy goat.

Enough of that one, let's get on with Feteccini:
So this one... Yeah, at first I was happier with it, but then I realized how badly I messed up when I got up this morning. The biggest issue to me (aside my lacking of skill) is that I didn't ever really figure out a proper motivation for Fluttershy. I mean, I gave her one, but it was the second one I thought of. Not only that, it turned out the exact opposite of what I had hoped. I initially was going to make the motivation about Grandma Shy passing away a few years ago. Rainbow wasn't supposed to know because Rainbow loved Grandma Shy and Fluttershy couldn't bear to tell her what happened so she would go to this festival/fete/whatever alone to get these gifts that were from her and represented Rainbow. Rainbow was kept out of the loop by Fluttershy baking Granny Shy's famous cookies herself and sending them with fake letters to RD. Rainbow was supposed to be the one to overcome a brief moment of depression, leading to the two getting gifts to visit Granny Shy's grave. This of course would mean Rarity would be left behind to complain about the spa... dammit Rarity.

Of course, I decided this was just too sad to keep the story funny. So what do I do? COME UP WITH A SADDER MOTIVATION! Seriously, what was I thinking? There are things way more sad and depressing than a loved one passing on naturally. This is why planning and having someone check what you did before you submit is important. This is the number one thing I would definitely change. Fluttershy would either go back to my original idea for motivation or I would have to come up with something that's actually outlandish and amusing that only Fluttershy would do... like gifts these things to Mane Cureall or something for helping birth Angel Bunny or something.

The one other thing I would also change that could be major is reworking the start. Basically, instead of starting in the bush, I would start with Rainbow Dash checking for Fluttershy. Then she'd interact with Angel Bunny a bit to decide what to do because she's bored. Eventually she stops by Rarity's only to find Rarity in distress. Rarity would go on with her dramatics about how Fluttershy has abandoned her/been foalnapped... And yeah, basically, set up and explain the motivations for these two at the start so I don't end up explaining three motivations all at once at the end. Also, this would let me push in more funny later on and I like pushing funny.

So yeah, basically, I royally screwed yesterday's story up making a sorta sad thing REALLY SAD. Oh, and that's not anywhere close to my headcanon for how Fluttershy ends up in Ponyville. I mean, I think she has a relatively sad and lonely childhood outside of hanging out with Rainbow Dash, but she wouldn't have an abusive mom. Actually, she wouldn't even have a mom... she'd be in an orphanage where the house mother actually is really fond of her but doesn't know how to help her... and eventually buys her the cottage she lives in now when things get figured out (Fluttershy totes follows RD to Ponyville, but RD gets a job there to push Fluttershy in that direction anyway... I'll write this someday).

Alright, I guess I should close this up. Mistakes were made, but I'm confident I've learned valuable lessons from myself already! Got to work on being more concise and properly set up and introduce important plot elements... and not keep writing into the wee hours of the night unless it's the weekend. I'll keep writing and improving (hopefully) and if you read all this, then thanks! But, you're crazy... or TD. >_>