Badfic Slaughterhouse #13: The Dark Side lied about having cookies... · 6:28pm Sep 30th, 2014
...but it's having a clearance sale on badfics to make room for the new Oneshotober models!
So, here we are again. I’m not quite settled in at the new place, but I have found some time for reading here and there (mostly at work because my job is awesome that way) and that means reviews have piled up.
This time is actually a little special, though. You see, for the first time, I broke pretty much all of my rules (swearing, personal attacks, etc) in a review to such an extent that I had to black it out, so only read it if you want to see me at my worst. It’s not just about a story, though; it’s about a much larger issue that’s going to piss a lot of us off for the next month or so, so I hope you won't begrudge this one itty bitty indulgence.
Reviews ahoy!
First one the chopping block, we have:
The Unicorn at Hogwarts, by Saphroneth
Tags: Comedy, Crossover, Adventure, Alternate Universe, Human
Rating: Everyone
Length: 51,018 words (Status: Incomplete – 9/9 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Instead of being sent to the caves below Canterlot by Queen Chrysalis, Twilight Sparkle is sent to another universe—the Harry Potter universe, to be specific—where she experiences the events of those books.
Review: This kind of crossover is a minefield. By inserting a character who’s already an expert on magic into a situation where the other main characters are learning the basics, you run the risk of that character becoming a Mary Sue and solving all the challenges. Unfortunately, this story not only steps on that mine; it stomps on it. Then, it tap dances on it. And just for good measure, it hops onto a jackhammer (as though it were a pogo stick) and bounces on the mine.
Harry Potter, the star of the franchise this fic crosses with, is nothing more than a side character for most of it. Nearly everything Harry did in the original book, Twilight does in this fic. It tramples the source material, kills all the tension by throwing a powerful unicorn at problems instead of three novices, and bores me to tears because of the lack of clearly-defined conflict.
All Harry had done after five chapters was mope and be helpless, so I pretty much gave up on it right there, but I skimmed the remaining chapters just to see if it improved. Sadly, it didn’t. In fact, if anything, it got even more boring until it went completely off the rails in chapter 9 and turned into something that outright offended me, as a fan of the Potter books.
In addition to all that, it’s also loaded with whatever you call the magical equivalent of technobabble. Far more time is spent on explaining exactly how magic works than building interesting relationships between characters, which further adds to the boredom.
While there are loads of small punctuation errors, they’re largely inoffensive. The prose is overly simplistic, however, with far too much “Subject verb.” It also develops a pretty nasty case of saidism abuse as it goes on. None of that really matters, though; if the story isn’t engaging, being well-written can’t save it.
Verdict: The only reason I can think of to recommend this story to anyone is if they want to read this take on how magic works. As far as the FiM-related content is concerned, it isn’t very interesting. For Potter fans, it’s a travesty.
Crusaders, by Mr Maximus
Tags: Alternate Universe
Rating: Teen
Length: 2,912 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: When Equestria is conquered by an army of griffons and changelings, the Cutie Mark Crusaders start a rebellion.
Review: If you asked me to describe this story in one word, I’d probably smack you for telling me to do something so stupid. However, if you pushed the matter enough to wear down my patience, I’d go with “rushed.”
This story, which was inspired by Red Dawn, charges from plot point to plot point so fast that it’s impossible to become invested in anything that happens. There’s no sense of danger, and nothing ever goes wrong for the Crusaders. Plus, the characters exist only to serve the plot, so they receive no significant development. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, despite being major characters, barely speak and do little of consequence.
The writing is generally solid, but the presentation of Apple Bloom’s accent grates on my nerves. I wish authors would rely less on distorting common words (I=Ah, etc.) and learn to use a character’s vernacular to convey their accent. There are also quite a few goofs, but nothing that shatters what little immersion this story achieves. The plot holes do that.
Verdict: This could have been a fun story if the material was drawn out and the reader was allowed to experience its events properly. As it stands, it’s harmless but nothing special, and it’s probably not worth your time.
Blood and Ponies, by GreyGuardPony
Tags: Dark, Crossover, Adventure, Human
Rating: Teen
Length: 5,100 words (Status: Incomplete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle digs up a sarcophagus containing a vampire.
Review: A World of Darkness crossover? As you guys probably know, tabletop gaming and I have a long and storied relationship, so this idea is highly relevant to my interests. The only question, I suppose, is whether it’s good or not.
With only one chapter released, it’s hard to say whether it will be worthwhile in the long run. I can safely say, however, that it is 100% inaccessible to anyone who is unfamiliar with Vampire: The Masquerade. Terms like Kuei-jin, Camarilla, Sabbat, and Society of Leopold are thrown around with no explanation, and there isn’t even a scrap of information about the lore of VTM.
The first chapter covers a reasonable amount of ground, moving from the discovery of the sarcophagus to Twilight studying it at home before shifting to the vampire’s perspective for the last couple thousand words. It takes enough time to offer some characterization, and it tries to give a few humorous moments, but as is the case with all comedy, your mileage may vary.
On the mechanical front, the only significant issue is with dialogue punctuation, which is systemically awful. Like the Harry Potter crossover above, this story also suffers from an over-abundance of “Subject verb” sentence construction. I can only take so much of lines like “Rainbow Dash blinked” before my eyes roll back into my skull.
Verdict: World of Darkness fans should probably keep an eye on this one to see if it develops into something interesting, but everyone else should stay away due to its inaccessibility. Or you should buy and play Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodlines, which is a pretty excellent game and an effective introduction to the concepts. Then try reading it.
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure, Slice of Life
Rating: Everyone
Length: 29,563 words (Status: Incomplete – 10/13 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: See title.
Review: I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to read this story. It’s been around for ages, and it’s the measuring stick that my own Roll for Initiative is most often compared to. Hell, it even has the same cover image I used. The story hasn’t been updated in two years, and the author hasn’t logged on in months, so it’s probably dead. The question, though, is whether it’s any good or not.
Right from the beginning, it was obvious that while it follows a similar formula to my own story, it has a distinctly different flavor. For one thing, instead of ponifying the game, everything is taken right from the D&D rulebooks, so all the characters in the games are humans, elves, dwarves, etc. I found that disconcerting at first, but I got past it within a few chapters. It's not like it's any different from people RPing as ponies, after all.
It really threw me for a loop when the cast changed after the first chapter, going from the main six + Spike to the CMC with rotating DMs. Once it got rolling, though, another way it differed from my own story became clear. This isn’t a story about ponies playing D&D so much as it’s a story about ponies making a complete mess of an attempt to play D&D. With that piece of the puzzle in place, the story started to click. Unfortunately, the climax of the second arc (I only read through chapter 10 because the third arc appears to be incomplete) was a massive let-down that took an interesting setup for conflict and resolved it before anything could happen.
Its mechanics are generally sound, and although it has a bit of an issue with dialogue punctuation, most people won’t even notice it, and most of the rest can filter it out. It also has an issue with telling, and I’m not a fan of the repetitious dialogue tags that are often used. Also, I think it goes a bit overboard on the pop culture references—and that’s coming from a guy who ripped off Darunia’s dance scene.
Verdict: I’d give this a tentative recommendation for fans of tabletop RPGs, but the weak ending to the only complete arc—the first “arc” is self-contained in a single short chapter, so I don’t count it—keeps me from giving it a stronger endorsement.
Three Solos, One Cadence, by InquisitorM
Tags: Adventure
Rating: Everyone
Length: 9,512 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Cadance, Discord, and Fluttershy trek through the frozen north in search of something they don’t know anything about.
Review: Disclosure: I pre-read this story before it was published, so I have a slight investment in it.
InquisitorM is an author who doesn't write for everyone; he writes for people who want to think about what they’re reading, and this story is no exception. The pacing is slow and thoughtful, and the plot is in no hurry to unfold, so it gives you plenty of opportunities to speculate about the major events while the focus is on the character interactions.
Aside from the plot about Cadance’s group, it constantly flashes back to tell the story of a pony named Frostbite trying to lead a group through the wastes. That plot is more tense, maintaining a frequent sense of danger, as Frostbite is constantly struggling for her very survival.
The characterization in this story is strong. While Cadance remains true to her personality from the show (blandness personified) Fluttershy and Discord are in fine form, with the latter bringing a blend of method and madness so delightfully balanced that it’s often hard to tell which you’re seeing. The OCs in the story don’t fare quite as well due to the limited time they’re given to be developed, but they serve their roles admirably, and they do manage to become more than window dressing.
On the mechanical front, it’s pretty close to being spotless.
Verdict: If you like slower, more meaningful stories, this is a great way to spend a few minutes.
”If You Travel Far Enough…”, by palaikai
Tags: Sad, Slice of Life
Rating: Everyone
Length: 3,554 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: While flying over Ponyville during the events of Testing Testing 1, 2, 3, Celestia notices Fluttershy and Rarity acting out her banishment of Nightmare Moon, so she follows Fluttershy home to ask about it.
Review: Everything this story does right is in the realm of character development. Fluttershy gets some reasonably plausible backstory, and it serves as a viable (albeit low-key) conflict for her to overcome through her conversation with Celestia. Celestia’s characterization—centered around the loneliness of being a princess—lacks originality, but the underlying concept is solid, even if it is well-traveled territory.
Unfortunately, I felt like the shortcomings overshadowed the stronger points. For one thing, the premise is predicated on the idea that Celestia, who has an entire army at her disposal, takes time out of her schedule to personally perform daily patrols of Equestria’s borders. That idea is so ludicrous that it smashed my immersion before the story even got rolling.
The prose is really tell-heavy, and there’s a lot of infodumping. Much of the narrative exposition could easily be woven into the character interactions, and the story would be stronger for it. For example, the narration details Celestia’s loneliness and her difficulty in finding someone she can have a normal conversation with, but that never comes back into play, so if the exposition were removed and that information was strategically revealed in the dialogue, it would carry more meaning, and the very act of talking to Fluttershy about it would help to resolve the conflict.
Aside from an overuse of semicolons, I don’t really have any complaints about the mechanics, but there’s quite a bit of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome and a few obnoxious bookisms.
Verdict: Personally, I didn't particularly enjoy this story, but there are some cute moments to be had, and you don’t see many fics that focus on those characters, so if that sounds appealing and you’re willing to overlook some missteps in the narration, check it out.
Mandatory Fun, by FanOfMostEverything
Tags: Dark, Random
Rating: Everyone
Length: 2,650 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Cheese Sandwich tells about his conquest of Equestria after acquiring the Alicorn Amulet.
Review: That wasn't what I was expecting. Well, that isn't fair, really, as I had no idea what to expect, but I was surprised, nonetheless. Sometimes, that was good; others, not so much.
The story got a good laugh out of me pretty early when I noticed a Weird Al song title in the narration, woven in subtly enough that anyone who wasn’t an Al fan wouldn't even know it was there. I figured I’d be playing “Spot the Reference” throughout my reading, but alas, it was not to be. Those nods to his music are rare, and that’s the best instance.
The story is almost entirely told via Cheese’s narration, without him relating so much as a single line of dialogue. That makes the pacing feel rather rushed. Plus, while there are a few jokes, it’s mostly pretty serious. It felt sort of like reading an autobiography. A little more levity might have made it easier to read through, but on the other hand, the tone made the payoff for a running gag work even though it would have fallen flat amid funnier material.
Mechanically speaking, there are no errors worth noting.
Verdict: I can say with great certainty that this is a thing that exists. I can say with almost as much certainty that fans of both Cheese Sandwich and Weird Al will enjoy it. I can say with minimal certainty (but definitely the potential of a maybe!) that the author will do more Cheese Sandwich stories inspired by other Weird Al albums. I can say with 100% certainty that it should happen.
WARNING:The following review has been censored for excessive cruelty, mean-spiritedness, and profanity. If you respect my reviews for neutrality, professionalism, or any other nice words, you may want to skip this.
Yeah yeah, I know no one's actually going to skip it. Sorry if you’re offended, but you were warned.
They werne’t the first, by name redacted by a moderator without even fucking telling me
UPDATE: This story has been deleted.
Tags: Slice of Fuck You
Rating: Fuck Everyone
Length: 1,114 shit stains masquerading as words (Status: Unfortunately, it exists – 1/1 chapter(s) endured)
Synopsis: A shitty author pisses on the show, the site, and anyone unfortunate enough to read his dreck. But if you care, it’s about some OC meeting Babs Seed and explaining how he and his friends were the original CMC because fuck canon characters; he has to prove that his OC is better than them.
Review: I only added this because the person responsible for this puddle of elephant diarrhea pissed me off by posting four of his lazy shitfics at once, pushing down stuff that people actually put effort into and minimizing the attention they’ll get.
Why did he do it? Oneshotober. Mother fucking Oneshotober. This is a perfect example of why that’s such a bad idea. In an effort to churn out 31 stories, people throw lazy shit at us, day after day, choking out the stuff that’s actually worth reading.
The moral of the story: DON’T DO ONESHOTOBER!
Anyway, I’m obligated to review the story (and I use that word in the loosest term possible) so here goes.
The writing is about what you’d expect from a lazy, unedited fic churned out on a defective assembly line. Missing commas and apostrophes are rampant. Run-ons pop up far too often, as do spelling errors. As if you weren’t already expecting that from the error in title.
NOTE: The misspelling in the title has been fixed, so I adjusted the link accordingly, but I preserved the title it was first published under.
In terms of content, it boils down to this: Babs Seed—who is wildly out of character despite only having been in two episodes—talks to some OC friends who are named, but not described or given any personality. They encounter an OC named Coil Sparks, who plays with electricity or something, and he tells them that he and his friends had the CMC idea first. Then, he proceeds to relate a conversation between himself and his undefined OC friends, wherein they choose a name for their group.
That’s it.
Yes, it ends there. There was no point to it at all. Instead of trying to tell any kind of relevant story, THIS SORRY EXCUSE FOR AN AUTHOR (my original description was more venomous, but a mod seems to have adjusted it without telling me) JUST STOPS WHEN HE GETS PAST 1000 MOTHERFUCKING WORDS!
Verdict: Fuck this guy, fuck his story, fuck anyone who encourages him, fuck oneshotober for enabling him, fuck the mods for not dropping the hammer on this stupidity, and fuck me for giving a damn.
Well, I feel better with that out of my system. Maybe next time, I'll just pick an assortment of Oneshotober fics and go to town. More politely, of course.
Have an awesome day, folks!
Want me to take a shot at a particular story? Make a request in the comments.
Rules:
—It can be yours or someone else’s, and I don’t care whether it’s good or a train wreck.
—You can request a story of any length, but I make no guarantees that I’ll read it, and I may not finish long ones.
—One request per person per review post, and only on the most recent one.
—If I don’t like your story, don’t be butthurt over it. It's just one guy's opinion, and I'll probably recommend it for someone, even if I hate it.
As always, I enjoy this reviews
Oh shit, I know that knight.
But it's not October yet...
2496585
That hasn't stopped a bunch of these schmucks.
Ah, well. I won't be doing that much reading this month anyway; gotta prewrite for NaNoWriMo!
(checks) As one of the very few people who have Favorited How The Great and Powerful Trixie Stole Hearths Warming (seriously?), I think it only fair to have you review something to cleanse the palate, as it were. How about one of the few Twilight x OC shipfics⁽*⁾ that has ever made it to Equestria Daily (although an evil act, it still left me unable to join Bad Horse's Evil League of Evil. Must. Try. Harder.) It's funny, it's romantic, it doesn't have Flash Sentry anywhere in it, and it's actually SFW.
(*) "We're not sleeping together! Well, we were sleeping, and we were together, but not that way! Honest!"
Ponies Play D&D is a dead fic?
img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120616003315/random-ness/images/9/9f/Darth_vader_no.gif
Also, I'll be sure to force you to read some one-shotober fics because I'm a sadistic show creator.
I MEAN WRITER! I'm a fan fic writer! I'm not Canadian and I'm certainly not a woman with long luscious red hair either!
2496643
Hm. I remember starting Reaper Mare, but can't recall why I read it, what I thought of it, or if I posted it anywhere.
2496672
Pfft. Your sadism is ineffective against my masochism. I'm already thinking of filling the next post with nothing but a systematic annihilation of lazy Oneshotober trash.
Should I read something into the fact that my story is the only one you specifically pointed out that you didn't enjoy it in the verdict?
EDIT: Guess I'm just more irked by the fact that it's considered a "badfic" when I don't really see it falling into that category.
2496849
You misunderstand. I specified that I didn't enjoy it so that I could give the caveat and say that others might like it more than I did. I clearly said there was some stuff worth seeing.
As for the title of the blog, it's just a title. I review plenty of good stuff. If I think something is truly bad, I'll say so clearly.
2496919
Sorry.
I'm hideously thin-skinned.
Thaumobabble?
Incorrect! I did not like that story at all! D:
To be honest, on the Unicorn at Hogwarts, I had to stop before the end. I had read the first couple chapters and thought it had an interesting premise. And then Harry showed up.... or failed to show up, as the case appears to have been, once I got back into reading it recently. I had to stop midway through chapter 8 because Twilight was just making everything boring. No offense, Twi.
So... um. Story up for request: War Games Ponies Play. I quite enjoyed this one.
I am going to suggest Commander Hurricane Fucks Every Mare In Cloudsdale (mature) by Cloud Hop. Apparently it's funny as hell.
Though to its credit, at no point do you explicitly mentioning the mine going off
Or does that mean it is so broken that it cannot even explode correctly? My mind has gone to the deeps...
2497022
I guess it's just been a while. I don't remember that.
2496921
No worries. If anything, I should be the one apologizing for a lack of clarity.
2497247
I stand corrected.
I did say I was less certain, though!
2497961
I am the mine. This review is the explosion. [/desperate_justification]
So that makes two diffrent authors on this site who have "One Shot-tober" trauma. Anyway, as a bit of a cleanser, how about Justice4243's delightfully demented "Stealing the Deed"?
They keep telling me this is pretty good, but I'd love your opinion.
I don't think I've ever seen an entire review covered by spoiler tags before, so that's a new one. Anyway, you have an excellent grasp on what makes good stories and are able to defend your opinions with evidence, so nice work. Thanks for doing these reviews for us.
2502285
While I don't make guarantees about future events, wanton profanity is not my usual MO, so it probably won't ever happen again. Besides, I don't have anything in particular against you on a personal level, especially considering the politeness of your response. You were simply the most convenient target to illustrate my disdain for Oneshotober and the adverse effect it has on this community.
May I request my fic: A Pregnant Problem, be reviewed?