My Little Porny: At Least You Tried · 4:20pm Aug 28th, 2014
So I finally got my hands on the beautiful disaster that is the pixel vixens mlp porno. I know this came out forever ago, but you know me, I take an eternity to do anything.
Anyway, I thought I'd share my experience with all of my lovely followers. When I first heard about it, I was definitely excited. I mean, an actual humanized video of some of the girls fucking? What's not to love? Well, a lot, actually. My excitement kinda dwindled once I saw the teaser video, and even more so when I heard people talking about it. I finally decided to bite the bullet and watch it for myself. We'll get into it after the break.
Also, just a heads up before anyone directs me to the banhammer: while I may be talking about nsfw content, I will not be showing any nsfw images or linking to any naughty content, as per site rules. Now let's get going.
The first thing that hit me was that this thing was ninety minutes long. That is ridiculous even by porn standards. I don't know who they thought was going to legitimately watch the entire thing all the way through in this state, but I'm sure someone did.
Like any other man in America, I just skipped around to the juicy bits to shake hands with the champion, but for the sake of this review, I'll try to get through it legitimately.
Everyone get their thirty bucks and half a cheeseburger? Okay, let's start this porno then.
I don't know why I expected more. I was honestly under the impression that pixel vixens was a serious, legitimate adult film company, but it looks like they did the entire thing in someone's backyard, shed, and house while they had the house to themselves for the weekend. A quick look at their website and I have to guess they don't exactly have a great budget. I think they're more geared for photo shoots. Whatever, let's get into it.
Can you say bad fanfiction?
Rainbow Dash can't even take this seriously. I can't blame her; neither can I. I've seen a couple of Dusk Shine stories around the site, but really? Is this the guy you want to fuck these girls? I know not everyone can be pornstar material, but if they were just picking people up off the street, tell me where and I'll volunteer. I can forgive it though. At least it's not a sixty-something obese man.
I don't have to fuck him, do I?
It doesn't help that none of them seem particularly invested in any of this. I mean, Rainbow can't even keep a straight face about it, and I doubt that was in the script. I don't think any of them planned to ever take any of it seriously. Which when you think about it isn't that bad. Most people are just going to skip ahead anyway. I know I did.
Okay, it isn't that bad. Besides the horrendous attempt at Applejack's accent that I can't help but laugh at every time, you can tell they are at least trying. While most of it barely comes out of cringe-worthy territory, at least some of them felt like they took the first three weeks of an acting class at the community college before dropping it. But honestly, I shouldn't expect much better. These girls aren't getting paid to talk.
Everyone in Horseytown will fuck each other... until we ALL DIE.
That was the actual line that went with this face. I wish I could have made that up. That was the funniest thing I've seen all day.
Okay, so they're trying to make this a legit storyline. Discord(ia) got bored or some shit and cursed Twilight into becoming a guy, then made it so that all of the people in Ponyville/Horseytown want to fuck constantly. Okay. They also refer to each other and the other townsfolk as ponies. Okay. And Discordia can't reverse this shit until she has the best orgasm ever. Mmmmmmm. Okay. As far as premises go, I've certainly seen worse grace the front page of fimfic, so I guess I can live with it for now. As long as there are girls fucking, I can soldier through.
Do we really have to do this?
I've gotta say, the actress who played Discordia did seem really happy to be there. Whether it was the cringe-worthy acting, or simply the ridiculousness of it all, I laughed through most of this intro. I guess that counts as being entertained, right?
Why yes! You really have to!
Just try not to imagine all the people who want to cum inside you.
It looks like Rarity and Rainbow Dash are the first victims of the fucking curse. All joking aside, I really do like these girls. They're a lot more plain looking than most of the makeup-coated pseudo-models that act in most high-budget pornos. I like that about them. They seem like normal girls, and they definitely aren't bad looking either.
I think Rainbow, or Jessi, is my personal favorite. Besides the massive pentagram earrings that look like they could double as paperweights, she makes for my favorite scene. But that comes later.
The only problem I really have with them (besides the earrings) is that every one of them has multiple tattoos. I personally don't really like them unless they're really cool looking, or something meaningful that actually looks good, but Rainbow has the words "dick wild" tattooed on her side. I don't think it gets much tackier than that. Minor complaint, but I can't really see Applejack having a butterfly tattoo or Fluttershy having a tramp stamp.
Anyway, I guess they have an excuse in this one, but they pretty much immediately start fucking. Rainbow gets kinda hot, then Rarity takes off her dress and hops onto her lap. Just like that. I can hear the complaints already if this was a fic on here.
I'll leave out the gratuitous details so you guys can find out for yourself. If you ignore the tattoos, the weird ambiance music, the bad lighting causing the shadow of the camera guy being in the shot, and the fact that Rarity wouldn't stop fucking talking, it certainly wasn't a bad sex scene. I don't know if I could call it a good one, but I could enjoy it.
Cut to the next scene, where Discordia is, uhh... sitting in a field admiring herself.
Fluttershy pops in and just ruins all the fun, or starts it as the case may be. I don't know about anyone else, but the girl who plays Discordia is just the highlight of the non-sex parts. I think it's the fact that she is just way too into it. At any rate, I can't help but laugh at this. And then there's Flutters here, who is just trying so kind of hard. Fluttershy tries to convince her to turn things back, Discord rubs on her face, and then stuff happens.
I feel like most of this was improvised on the spot with a vague idea of how it was supposed to go. They spent good thirty seconds trying to figure out what position they were supposed to start in. I think I felt an actual twinge of frustration when Fluttershy kept pulling her around until she finally got her where she wanted.
Then Discord hands her a dildo and Fluttershy teaches her how to be a better friend.There's not much more to that one, except the weird leather straps Fluttershy is wearing as underwear for some reason.
Now onto my favorite scene. Some good old Appledash.
Okay, this scene in its entirety is almost fifty minutes long. Fifty minutes. This is the majority of the film in this one scene. I'm not complaining or anything, but damn. That's long even for porn. Also, is it weird for anyone else how much shorter Applejack is? Conflicting headcanons? No? Alright.
As far as lesbian sex goes, it was alright. I get the feeling that if it wasn't and Applejack and Rainbow cosplay I wouldn't be anywhere near as interested, but whatever. I'll leave the naughty parts to your imagination.
Okay, it's still the same scene technically, but goddamn do I start hating it once Dusk comes into it. He's checking up on the girls between doing "research" and they're all like "how about you research us?" and this is his first reaction"
Do you really have to think about it?
Apart from the fact that he fucking talks through a lot of it, I just don't like him. It might be the intense jealousy of getting to fuck both of these girls at the same time--in fact, I'm almost positive that's it. But really, he gets under Applejack and she does all the work, and then he gets in Rainbow and just kinda shakes himself to fuck her. I guess I've watched too much glamorized porn, but if I didn't get to watch Rainbow get fucked, I might have just dropped it right there. Eh, I can get over it though. That lucky fuck.
Would you shut up and just suck my dick already?
Next, we have Pinkie and Mr. Pie scene. Yes, I know it should be Mr. Cake, but they certainly didn't. Oh well. This scene is actually not half bad. Besides the first lesbian encounter with Rainbow and Applejack, this is probably the best scene in the movie. I don't know if it was just my copy or what, but the sound for this one was a lot more quiet. Either someone did some bad editing or I just got a bad one, but if I had to guess, it'd be the former. Most of the music and sound levels in this thing are awkwardly set up, like the editor didn't bother to even it out before burning it to the disc.
Long story short, they fuck. As usual I'll let you find out for yourself instead of rewriting a whole sex scene.
Welp that's where our story ends. Discordia is apparently satisfied and Dusk writes a letter to Princess Molestia--yes that's what they actually used--about the magic of fucking, and how, even when he gets turned back, he hopes to continue the magic of fucking with all of his friends.
There you go folks. That was the beautiful disaster that the fandom drooled over for a couple of months. I have mixed feelings about it. With the (at times) cringe-worthy acting, the silly storyline, and the overall amateur filming, I should hate this. I really want to like it though, and because they pandered out the ass, I'll probably keep it around. If you're looking for a beautifully crafted storyline, believable acting, and glamorous, passionate sex, then look elsewhere. If you mute the audio, skip to the good parts, and are just looking for a porno with cosplayers, then look no further.
I gave it a lot of shit, but it certainly wasn't as horrible as I'd expected. It wasn't particularly good, but I can't say I was disappointed. I guess if these girls were good actors, they'd probably be doing something else. All in all 4/10 I'll probably watch it again.
So what to do you guys think? A gift to the fandom, or a blight that should've never been created? Talk to me about it.
I'd say nuke it from orbit.
I could not clop to this, as I was cringing so hard by boner died.
Not bad enough for "so bad its good".
That said, I am not all that into crossplay porn, so this is like watching fetish porn of something,that you don't have fetish for.
Also I think one of they guys I am following wrote part of the script. Forget who tho, but he is mentioned in credits.
If they would redo this, but with fat neck beards, I would probably like it better. Not enough neck beard porn out there.
My thoughts on it.
"Can you say bad fanfiction?"
...I have the sudden mental image of someone taking the premise of this move and turning it into a clopfic - complete with all the scenes - and it will be glorious.
Once i muted the sound I really did enjoy the Raridash scene but that was about it. Overall it was hilariously bad and the chuckles were massively overshadowed by the sheer amount of cringing. I'll give them all points for trying, really good on them. Next time do a bit more research and get some acting practice in and I might actually pay for it.
2408982
That's, uhhh... quite the fetish you got there.
2409163
Something tells me someone out there has done it. I couldn't give you a link but I'm sure it's around here somewhere. But if not, not it.
2409342
Knowing this fandom, there will probably be a next time. I wonder what their sales were for it though. I remember reading somewhere that they'd do another one if sales were high enough. Can't imagine it did terribly well, but who knows.
2409584
I imagine they made a fair amount considering how hyped it was. That was the goal after all, cash in the bronies. Probably could've made more if they had consulted one or two on the script first.
I'm into ponies for horse pussy, not human.
2409163 Don't you dare tempt me
Your review was beautiful, but I have yet to actually watch the porn... I wasn't even aware this existed.