Ice is nice · 11:56pm Aug 27th, 2014
So: Apparently Xepher — who has been fooled by my clever lifelong identity as a totally normal pony who is not secretly infiltrating anything — has challenged me to join him in one of those rituals that normal ponies, like me, often perform. Apparently what is involved is to overturn a bucket of ice water upon one's head and thorax, in order to cool one's fuzzy, pliable exoskeleton-cover. The next step — and apparently this is crucial to the process — is to pretend to dislike the experience, despite the momentary relief it brings from the brutal seasonal assault of Celestia's daystar.
There are two problems with this challenge, and neither one of them involves the false and laughable notion that sudden temperature shocks can disrupt morphological control.
The first is that Californeigha is in the middle of the worst drought of my lifetime. Reservoirs look more like puddles. Local water agencies (including mine) have put voluntary water use reduction guidelines in effect, and are preparing for mandatory conservation measures. I don't want to contribute to one problem in the name of solving another.
The second is that my application for promotion within the Evil League of Evil has stalled out twice in a row, and I'm getting strong hints that I'm never going to make Evil Middle Management if I can't make proper use of minions. That's where you come in!
If someone out there — who's not in a drought-afflicted area, so no fellow Golden Staters please — wishes to deal with this meddlesome do-gooder on my behalf, then please mimic the ice-water ritual seen here, complete with videographic or photographic documentation (cleverness optional but appreciated). Be certain to mention my name in your documentation so that I, Horizon, may gloat in my your moment of penultimate triumph.
In exchange, the first person to ice-water themselves may give me a 3-to-5 word prompt, and I'll take some time out this weekend from writing Hard Reset 2 to produce a 400-750 word minific based on it.
Be courteous to your fellow FIMFic readers: if you plan to do this, post in comments to call dibs. (We don't want to start a race, and end up with an army of wet and disgruntled minions. The employee handbook clearly states that wet and disgruntled minions may pose a hazard to organizational control.) If you call dibs, you are totally on the hook to do it, and if you don't then we'll get together around the water cooler and laugh at you behind your back.
We have 24 hours to rebuff this would-be hero. Go! 
--
EDITED TO ADD:
yamgoth has leapt in front of this particular bullet. The rest of us may breathe a sigh of relief while I update the "Days Since A Hero-Caused Workplace Fatality" board.
Can this be used towards promotion to senior minion in the Evil League of Evil, by any chance?
2407293
I can guarantee that it will be noted[1] on your next performance review.
--
[1] By someone important.[2]
[2] Not necessarily including your overlord, or anyone with say in their decision.
I'LL DO IT! DIBS!!!
Because horse words sound so damn enticing. The better to forward my own agenda. Mwahaha!
A sudden explosion of IBC on Fimfiction! And by that I mean you and also bats*.
*in the future.
Sorry, but it strikes me as a really really bad idea for somepony stuck in a computer to do anything involving ice water. I don't want to see what happens if the computer conks out with me in it...
--Sweetie Belle
Getting subservient followers to take the hit for you? Wait... having subservient followers in the first place? It's almost like you're not the perfectly typical, unremarkable, mundane, and totally-100%-normal pony like I thought. Or am I just
?
(Also, why is there no icon of Pinkie with the Holmes hat on?)
What about Matt Damon's approach?
Also, you could always use seawater, unless you're in, like, Fresno.
This drought point is pretty irrelevant. Assume that maybe, generously, 10 million people have done the Ice Bucket Challenge. Assuming they each waste 10 gallons of water each - also generous - that's 100 million gallons of water wasted, or 31 acre-feet AKA approximately 24 seconds of California's annual water usage. It's a vanishingly small amount. As an individual, you waste more water taking a long shower, leaving the tap on while brushing your teeth, or eating meat instead of vegetables. There's low-hanging fruit out there for reducing individual water consumption but this ain't it.
MrNumbers pulls out a little notepad and quill
Changelings... don't... like... ice... make... sure... to... attach... firehose... to... iceberg... laugh... maniacally...
I'm totally doing this when I get home, so in about 9 hours.
Donut steel or I keel you! >:/ It's my friggin word prompt (rawr!)
Anyone have any suggestions on what else I should pour on myself for greater amusement? I already have a slurpee on the list, and eas thinking of doing a Stone Cold Steve Austin beer bash, maybe.
2408186
That's a great moment of perspective. Thank you.
Now hush, before the people who expect me to pour ice water over myself hear!
2408636
Be hardcore and pour brine on yourself. It's capable of remaining liquid at below-freezing temperatures. Your ice bucket would be colder than everybody else's.
2409011
So if I do this, I will actually get horse words for real or are you pulling everyone's leg with tis one? Any limitation to these words, like can they be borderline smut, but not actually smut at all depending how you look at it?
2407293 might have an idea what I have planned ;)
And Horizon, have any suggestions on what else I should pour?
I do believe it is also customary to pass on the challenge once you have performed the requisite ice-cold-water-over-head ritual. Though I confess that I am unsure who would be doing the challenging in this case, the minion, or the aspiring Evil Overlord.
...I just painted a massive target on myself, didn't I?
2407532
You really should ask arcum42 to upgrade your chassis. You could outdo us all by doing the ice water challenge all the time.
2407752
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw8023_small.jpg
2408054
Having lived in the Central Valley, I can totally understand why Fresno is your metric for "the place where you can't have nice things" (including but not limited to beaches), but I'm not even as close to the ocean as Fresno is. Drive from San Francisco to Lake Tahoe and then backtrack about an hour.
In normal years, this would make "drive to the Sierra Nevada crest and throw myself into an alpine lake" the obvious alternative, seeing as how those lakes are straight-up melted snow, but this year has been so hot and dry that even those lakes are more like swimming pools than ice baths. Seriously, in July I went out to Phoenix Lake for a birthday hike, and when we got there, my friend and I stripped down to our underwear and just jumped in and paddled around for a while.
2408636
Rather than a beer bath, I think you should put the beer on your head while you dump the ice-water on. Then you can chill your beer while you're soaking yourself. Win-win!
2409064
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw892_small.jpg
2409067
Lying about horsewords for a prank is dirty pool. No, these are genuine horsewords that will be genuinely written (unless I get hit by a bus, or worse, completely fail at self-imposed obligations). I will write borderline smut if that's where the prompt leads, and I will write explicit sex if specifically requested, but I won't do gore or super hard-edged stuff. Keep in mind 750 words is a pretty tight limit for a sex scene.
2409091
I think the challenge part of the ritual would rightly belong to the wet person.
i.imgur.com/VODCGbx.jpg
I should also mention that it's raining. Don't you wish you were here in the Great White North, eh, Horizon? Your carapace would be so nice and cold right now.
This is gonna very unpleasant. And super retarded. Can't forget that.
i.imgur.com/m7ovvlW.jpg
Victory cemented. Blog post later tonight with the rest of the pics.
I like how I knocked off my glasses.
2410338
That is an amazing action shot right there.
You, sir, have earned your horsewords! Sling a prompt my way.
2409416 well, I know one sierras lake that would be cold enough, if not close enough.
Rund top lake is 9320 feet up, and many years there is snow still on the ground within a few feet, all the way through the summer. Too cold to dip your toes in for more than a few moments.
Would probably still be pretty cold even in this warmth.
Best accessed via the trailhead at the woods lake campground off of highway 88.
As for fresno, well, it's not all bad.I did have one ex army guy who ran a Y camp tell me he would prefer on patrol in Fallujah over night in fresno, but...
Well, the ice cream shop that sells ice cream made by some college students as part of their education, which was good. And I bought a classic GMC motorhome there (manufactured between 73 and 78, examples appeared in Stripes and the new Anchorman) I promptly brought it back home to L.A., of course...
Like I said, not all bad.
2411003
Thanks for the pointer! That's not so far from where the Pacific Crest Trail crosses 88. On my 2006 thru-hike attempt, I didn't make it that far north (got patellar tendonitis just shy of Yosemite after ~900 trail miles), but I might very well get back out there someday.
Further north where I am, around the I-80 corridor, I can't think of a lake over 8k to save my life. The tallest peak in Nevada County is Mount Lola at ~9100 feet (it was named after an exotic dancer, because California history is generally awesome like that), and most of the lakes, even at the Sierra crest, are in the 6k-7k range. The aforementioned swimming-pool-like Phoenix Lake is at almost exactly 7,000 and there wasn't a drop of snow in sight at the end of July.
I miss a few restaurants from when I lived in the central valley. There were some fantastic little hole-in-the-wall places out there. I'd totally believe the ice cream was amazing.
I posted a fuckton of pictures. I actually ended up doing the challenge like five times.