What I got back from EQD! · 6:31pm Jun 8th, 2012
And before I begin, please check out my Youtube Channel here,
Response:
Before I begin, you deserve a note of commendation. Spike fics are surprisingly rare as it is, and a Spike ship fic not involving Rarity is even rarer. So, kudos for that!
While I like your premise and so far the story seems to be moving along, it still isn't up to EqD's standards.
Issues:
1) Grammar/phrasing and word choice. This is somewhat nonsensical in that the two actions do not relate. It would be better written as the example below. You did make me snort coffee, for the image of Spike rolling INTO his own rear and turning inside out was amusing this early in the morning.
However, as Spike rolled over ONTO his rear, he discovered the creature standing above him was not Rainbow Dash after all.
However, as Spike rolled over into his rear, the creature standing above him was not Rainbow Dash.
2) Italicize thoughts. It sets them apart and makes them more readable.
Okay, Spike, time to act normal the little dragon thought as he reached the outskirts of Ponyville.
3) This needs to be re-done. The text in the parentheses doesn't work when done like this.
Letting out a long Tarzan scream, Spike made a beeline for the water and jumped five times his own body height. (A physics-defying feat he'd learned from Pinkie Pie.)
4) OoC Spike. He'd not lie to Twilight DIRECTLY. In the Owl episode, he kinda lied by OMISSION. But he'd not invoke Celestia's name to go visit Sapphire.
5) Work on your scene transitions. One line, we're in the library. The next, in the woods. Gotta smooth it a bit better than that.
6) Odd little letter drops. Rainbow opened her moth? ;)
Rainbow opened her moth wide
So, off you go! Give it a good editing run and then send it back to us. The story is a cute little shipping/slice of life story that I think might do quite well on EqD given some polish. 4/5! I loved it, but it's not QUITE ready!
-Pre-reader Grump
And that is why I will never write stories for EQD.
163117 They'd hate my fic more.
163121 Why would they actaully judge you like that....It just confuses me.
163126 If only I knew. They'd probably say "Because you referenced G1 brilliantly, while making an original story that ties both generations....we hate your fic. Please die.".
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png
163128 Heh, But why are you following me anyway?
163130 Because I can and Will. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Spike_lolface.png
to be serious, I remember getting hooked by your Spike FIc somehow.
SO DAMN CLOSE
163132 But shoudn't I be following you? I mean, you're the dragon Emperor and all.
163136 hm....I see your Point.
DO it. Do it nao.
163134 Equestria Daily they are just a bunch of meanies who have no apreciation for artists.
I think it's extremely cute and very well done i hope it gets featured in EqD.