Most Dangerous Game Judging Reviews - 2 · 5:31pm Jul 19th, 2014
Here's the second lot of reviews for the Most Dangerous Game contest - remember to go vote for the finalists here: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/351973/the-most-dangerous-voting-contest
There are some good ones in this lot, promise! There was quite the fight for a place in the top 5, some very good stories only narrowly missed out.
Faun, by Present Perfect
Story: There's a half-human, half-pony running about the Everfree forest. Someone's been naughty!
Wow, that was dark. I'm a big fan of taking a crackfic premise and dealing with it in a totally serious way, and this story really does it, going straight for the throat and holding back no emotional punches. I heartily recommend this one. Perhaps I might have wanted to see a bit more about Lyra's thought processes and experiences over the last ten years (that's an awful long time), the letter at the end is completely unneeded, and it partly feels like a 'kick the cute puppy' story (the moral is 'abandoning your helpless baby in the forest for ten years expecting that monsters will eat it is a bad thing to do') but then again, that's what the writer sets out to do and he nails it.
Prompt: Human in Equestria
I was going back and forth on this one as to whether it was a bit of a cheat not having an actual human, but I decided it was totally appropriate, dealing with the aftermath of such a visit in a way I don't think has been done before. Also having the human literally be 'Anon' but taking the premise deadly seriously. That's the sort of thing I appreciate. It's original and feels like it explores the concept well.
Home, by KitsuneRisu
Story: A human travels to Equestria because he's the best and no-one appreciates him and he is king of card games.
I love unreliable narrator stories, and this is a good example of one. The narration is engaging and it slowly creeps up on you how wrong everything is. The character has a very consistent voice, and it is clear the writer has thought through all the many layers of the story, creating something that is actually pretty brilliant.
Prompt: Human in Equestria
Definitely an interesting take on 'human in Equestria', albeit one that isn't 'real'. I won't hold it against the story though, as there was nothing explicitly in the rules against it, and it is done so well. This is a story built around the prompt and that actually uses it to its advantage.
Succession, by Archonix
Story: A young alicorn meets Queen Twilight Sparkle
As a story, this is very enjoyable. Personally I love stories which are really well grounded in the writer's world, yet don't serve everything up on a plate. There's an awful lot in this story that is going on under the surface and isn't thrust in the reader's face. The writer's style is very readable, and despite the length, it flies by really well. There's great character work, and I really can't say enough good things.
Prompt: OC Alicorn
The character feels natural and not forced, and their character was good, if not developed too much. As a prompt fic though, the focus of the story is on Twilight, and the OC alicorn used to explore her and the history of the world. That said, it's a good story and what we have is well done.
The Shaman, by Skyguy7_13
Story: Celestia is keeping a human locked in her dungeon.
Apparently Celestia owned a dungeon that is full of dead bodies and poo. That's how the story opens. There's a human locked in a cell in these conditions, for the crime of killing and eating a pony, but it turns out it was a changeling so that's okay. Luckily Celestia locked him in the cell with the skeleton of his victim, enabling Twilight to figure it out because no-one else bothered to check. Yes, suspension of disbelief shatters, I'm afraid.
This story really needs a spelling and grammar check, it's littered with all sorts of errors that are very distracting, a lot of them changing the meanings of the sentences themselves.
Prompt: Human in Equestria and shipping with main character
While a shaman might be more interesting than your average human, this character remains completely undeveloped. It's not explained why he felt the need to eat the imposter changeling rather than warn anyone about it. We are told he's gone mad from imprisonment, but then is absolutely fine and making funny quips. Then out of nowhere he turns into a zebra and immediately ships himself with Zecora. This story feels very rushed, and needed a lot more space to develop character and the ideas.
A Brush with Beauty, by Burraku_Pansa
Story: A human wakes up in Equestria
This is an enjoyable read. The style is very readable and while the plot itself isn't particularly novel, there's enough interesting ideas going on here, relating to a wider tale about the human condition rather than just 'human in Equestria'. Does it go far enough in this respect? I'm not sure, but I like what I read.
Prompt: Human in Equestria
I found this story hard to describe, as the actual plot isn't really much more than 'human in Equestria', though with this story it is all in the presentation. The writer manages to take the prompt and make it interesting to read, if not entirely interesting in execution. That said, I'm still not exactly sure what was going on in the story at the end, though it seems like there was supposed to be deliberate ambiguity.
Fairy Tale Garden, by MissyAngel
Story: A human in Equestria has a chat with Twilight about going home.
This was a nice little story. It's a two-hander (hoofer?) between the human and Twilight where they chat about life and about how the human would get home, but it felt easy to read and quite light. If I had one criticism, it would be that the human seems to change their mind about definitely wanting to stay to becoming really homesick a bit too quickly, and Twilight's dialogue feels off (she says "ya" a lot) but apart from that it was very solid.
Prompt: Human in Equestria, second person and seventh element
Three prompts, all of them used well, I'm impressed. The writer painted a very good picture of the character quickly and easily from the start, the second person style felt natural aside from one tense slip that I noticed, and the seventh element aspect was not only appropriate, it was what the story and its ideas were built off without being obnoxious.
Prologue: A New Life, by Super_Big_Mac
Story: A genre-savvy Japanese schoolgirl arrives in Equestria.
I didn't have much hope going into a story explicitly called 'Prologue' but to my surprise, yes, this was a self-contained story which was more about discussion of genre and storytelling than just an intro. That said, I found the initial section which talked about this character's life in relation to storybook logic far more interesting than when they actually go to Equestria. She meets Pinkie and has a fourth wall breaking conversation, then goes back home. It's rather brief, unfortunately, and any revelations the character makes are ones narrated to us rather than shown as a process. There's a lot of tense slips too; this may have been deliberate in parts due to the nature of the story, but there's some early on which clearly can't be on purpose.
Prompt: Human in Equestria/OC alicorn
Arriving in Equestria, the human promptly turns into an alicorn. This feels rather shoehorned in, as it's not particularly important to the plot as they then leave Equestria after a brief chat with Pinkie. Any pony type would have had the same effect (sans 'alicorn magic'.). In fact, for all it adds to the story, they didn't even need to have turned into a pony.
Rarity dates Prince Nightshade, by Dream Volt
Story: Rarity dates a changeling Prince
This story is pretty much what it says on the tin. Rarity meets a changeling, falls in love with him instantly and they decide to marry after one date. This story is either a sequel to something, or firmly within the writer's headcanon, as there is a dizzying amount of other events referred or inferred with little to no explanation. A story like this really needs better worldbuilding. There is also not much incident, and it is strangely lacking in any sort of twist (The twist is yes, they do really want to get married after one day, which is... odd as no reason is given).
Prompt: Shipping with main character
Despite the story being first person, there is little in the story to explain exactly why Rarity is in love with this character apart from him being a prince. We don't get a grip on his character at all, and both he and Rarity sound the same (neither much like Rarity).
Union, by JakBed96
Story: Twilight's boyfriend decides to get married
I'm in two minds about this story. Originally I was going to complain that the relationship between Twilight and this character is undeveloped, and the main character is a cypher who feels a bit creepy. Then I got to the end and it turns out that's the point of the story. I actually liked the ending and how it changed how the rest of the story worked, but believe it would have been more effective if we'd actually seen some more interaction between him and Twilight. It achieve what it sets out to do though.
Prompt: Shipping with main character
As I said, originally the relationship was really undeveloped, but then as a twist ending (spoilers!) it turns out he was using dark magic to ensnare Twilight and make him love her. I'm not sure if this is cheating in regards to the prompt though, as it turns out it isn't 'really' shipping because she's being mind-controlled. It's probably not, but even so it feels like the 'easy way out'.
Fingers, by WiseFireCracker
Story: A pianist finds himself in Equestria... turned into a pony with no fingers!
As a story I rather liked this one. It's well paced, it has some good incident, and I was left curious and intrigued by the character. It certainly feels like a complete story, and one that doesn't always go the expected route either.
Prompt: Human in Equestria
The human is ponified straight away, but it deals with the ramifications of being ponified as the central point of the story. There's some interesting flashbacks and a good sense of character.
The Price of Harmony, by Quill Scratch
Story: An alicorn grows up in the Everfree raised by Zecora and her human husband
If ever there's a story where the moral 'too many cooks spoil the broth' can be displayed, it is here. Only instead of cooks it is ideas, and instead of a broth, it is a story. The tale of this alicorn is nice and well-written, but there's so much pushed into the story that when the ending comes (and it is a good ending), it hasn't been built up to appropriately as we still don't have a good grasp on the character due to everything else the author has been trying to push in.
Prompt: All of them... sort of.
It's a valiant effort, but a self-defeating one. The alicorn's father (we never know if he's the natural dad) is a human in Equestria. He is married to Zecora in the Everfree forest. There's some mild Derpy shipping too. There's some stuff with the Elements in at the end, though it's not quite a 'seventh element' story. It's in second person. The issue is, that the story's ending really relies on the reader having a firm handle on the character, but given the large timespan the story takes place over and the dizzying amount of ideas thrown in, there's never a chance to do this. I don't want to sound too down, because I did actually enjoy reading this story. In this case though, I think less would have been more.
Entertainment for Immortals, by Saakra
Story: A human is sent to Equestria by Discord to stir up trouble.
Perhaps there is a fun story here, but the whole tale feels really rushed. There is barely any introduction to the characters, and it almost seems like the reader is supposed to know who the bizarrely-named 'Omnispar' is. The moment he turns up in Equestria, he gets blasted by the Elements for little defined reason, then turns into a pony with a swastika (yes, really), swears a lot and gets banished to the moon. It's over really fast, there's no buildup of anything and little humour apart from swearing and swastikas, which isn't funny by itself.
Prompt: Human in Equestria and seventh element.
While the story is primarily a seventh element story, there is an aspect of HiE, though the human gets turned into a pony (for little reason) very fast so it doesn't really count. The seventh element part is just a story concocted by Discord so isn't a 'real' element (and if it somehow is, there's little exploration of it). If you removed that mention, the story would still run the same, as the element doesn't factor into anything.
Special, Deluxe Special, by DeluxeMagnum69
Story: A human arrives in Equestria and discovers he is special.
I found this story really hard to read. The text is littered with some really odd turns of phrase which are just stilted or strange. It feels like it hasn't been proofread at all, and a single sweep would probably sort most of these issues out. With them in, they're just too distracting. The story itself feels like something I've read many times before, and unfortunately as it gets to the end the plot becomes more and more rushed, skipping over most of the interesting parts.
Prompt: All of them
This is another story where whilst a noble effort in including all the prompts, the end result is very messy, and the story probably would have been better off with just a few. The second person narration has issues, as mentioned above. The Human in Equestria angle is unremarkable, he turns into an alicorn for little reason (and the story would have been identical had that part been skipped), there's something very rushed in the end about him being a seventh element and needing to sacrifice himself for some reason, and then he and Twilight suddenly kiss to fulfil the shipping aspect, with no warning. Points for effort, but this is a story that has too much too fast.
You Are A King, by Kalash93
Story: Equestria's old king gets a visit from Luna
There's a lot to like in this story, but I feel it gets buried under too many flashbacks. I like the idea of a previous king being bitter over being left alone and seeing everyone else thrive, but despite all the flashbacks we never really find out why he's in the predicament he's in, or really much about his personality beside 'belligerent'. This is the sort of tale I'd like to see fleshed out a bit more.
Prompt: Second person, OC alicorn
The OC alicorn is done well, though as mentioned we don't really get too deeply into his motivation and relation with the princesses apart from the 'he is pompous'; there's a much more interesting story waiting to be told, I think. The second person narration is functional, though I don't' think it adds much and the story could easily be told in first or third person with few changes.
Happily Ever After, by spideremblembrony
Story: Applejack and co end up in a parallel world with an alicorn superhero team.
This is a bit of an odd story. There was lots of parts I liked in it: some decent twists and nice ideas. That said, most of the story, despite its length, feels really rushed. There are so many characters in it that there's no time to get to know anyone or their motivations, and once the villain is revealed they are dispatched with very little explanation as to their motives. A story that could benefit from being a lot longer, I think.
Prompt: OC alicorn
Going into an alternate universe to do the OC alicorn seems like taking a bit of a 'safe' path when this competition is all about danger, but then again it has some decent twists in the tale. That said, the ending where all this is revealed is very rushed, and could easily have done with some fleshing out. We don't really get a grip on the characterisations of these alicorns, or get the chance to care about them, mostly due to the sheer amount of characters in the story.
Yeah, I did "Human was in Equestria, and fallout thereof". :B I okayed it with Obs first tho!
2300292
As I noted in the actual story entry/my own review of this, the fact that the guy's name was given as "Annan" (because there's no way that they would recognize "Anon") was quite clever and entirely reasonable.
Though, seriously, who the heck would introduce themselves as Anon?
2300408
You know exactly who would do that.
But why would anyone sleep with that person, that's the main question.
2300408
Everyone in a human in Equestria story ever. :B Or at least all the garbage ones that end up in the featured box.
Also, his name's actually "Anon", the weird spelling is just how Lyra parsed it (also I was subtly mocking people who don't say "a-NAHN"). I hope that came through.
Yeah,
I was in a rush with the story,
(Literally did it in roughly two hours)
And it honestly wasn't my best work.
I'm going to go back and revise it when I have a lot of spare time.
Thank you for the review,
I'll take note on what I need to work on.
2300637
Yes I know. But Annan is a real name, and therefore a reasonable way to parse it
2300492
A desperate and horny xenophilic teenager apparently.
Hmm, yea, I didn't think it was that bad in terms of other events, but clearly I was horribly wrong. This is not entirely surprising. I also think I went way out of my comfort zone hitting both romance and writing Rarity properly at the same time. Rarity isn't supposed to actually have a good reason at all, Blueblood and Trenderhoof are proof of that, she just goes on one nice date, and falls completely head over hells in love because he's rather pleasant and on the surface what she wants in a stallion more or less. This also shoudl have been obvious. It so wasn't. Also I think you're right about characterization too, I know I screwed up Nightshade at least a little, and now I'm thinking it was a lot. Rarity I never feel comfortable writing. I get some great lines out of her sometimes, but as a whole, I just can't get a good feel for her. Thank you for giving some clear things I can try to work on.
Happy you liked my fic, Blue. You're spot on with your comments on the plot—the driving idea was to make a classic sort of HiE story (depressed main character gets teleported to Equestria, meets ponies, finds happiness and friendship, etc.) but presented in a realer and more meaningful way than always seems to be the case.
Also, I'm vaguely pleased you say you didn't follow the ending, even though I know I shouldn't be. It's like everyone misses something, and that something has been different for almost every person I've spoken with. There's yet to be a person who followed it completely (or if there has, he or she hasn't told me), and I know that's partially a failure on my part since not all of the ending was supposed to be vague and I (perhaps wrongly) felt I dropped adequate hints for some inquisitive types to get the truly vague parts, but it still tickles me.