Spoiler Alert: Transformers Age of Extinction, Part 1 · 4:12pm Jun 30th, 2014
: Saw Transformers: Age of Extinction yesterday.
: After the devastation of Transformers 3, the human race has come to view the Transformers with the same level of paranoid hatred normally reserved for mutants. There was no indication at the end of the last film that the Battle of Chicago had any emotional or thematic relevance beyond your usual Michael Bay levels of destruction, but whatever. The CIA, as represented by an unthreatening Kelsey Grammar, are hunting down both the good Autobots and evil Decepticons alike, with the help of a Transformer bounty hunter named Lockdown.
: Lockdown, who is the closest thing this film has to a Big Bad, has little to visually distinguish himself from any other black-and-gray robot, no backstory, and little personality to speak of.
: Furthermore, as if killing off fan favorite Ironhide in the last film wasn't enough to anger the audience, Bay has Lockdown shoot down Autobot medic Ratchet in the first half hour of the film! The big meanie!!
: Our leadin' man, played by Mark Wahlberg, is yer typical Michael Bay hero, an everyman and single father who CLEARLY knows better than those government idjits EVER will. Though ah gotta admit, the idea of a Texan roboticist who works outta his barn is pretty clever. Unfortunately, he can't make a livin', can't stop whinin', and physically attacks his landlord when she rightfully tries to sell the land he can't pay for.
: He's joined by his daughter, whose only purpose is to look pretty, swoon over guys, and call for help, and his best friend, a lazy, perverted surfer who's supposed to be comic relief. Wahlberg is trying to salvage a damaged semi truck when he finds a missile lodged in its radiator. When he removes the missile, the truck can turn into Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots. Optimus was blitzed by Lockdown off-screen, and now needs Wahlberg's help to get to the Autobots so that they can repair him and regroup.
: Unfortunately, the comic relief calls the CIA to collect the bounty on Optimus' head. In the ensuin' fight, the CIA break basic criminal rights an' somehow miss a semi truck while firin' computer-guided missiles. We also meet the secret boyfriend of Wahlberg's daughter, played by Jack Reynor, who's surprisin'ly likable an' competent for a human in one'a these films. Oh, an' the comic relief dies.
: YAY!! ….wait, Bay actually expected us to feel sorry for him? Seriously?!
: Optimus then heals himself without the Autobot equipment he supposedly needed and we meet the remaining Autobots. Bumblebee is here, obviously, but Bay apparently didn't care enough about anyone else to bring them back, so we get three new robots. A fat robot with a beard and a cigar-which a robot has no reason to carry-voiced by John Goodman of all people, a paratrooper robot who acts more like a Decepticon than an Autobot, and a Samurai stereotype, complete with haikus. Apparently there weren't enough racial stereotypes in these films.
: Most of these Robots in Disguise, I might note, transform into cutting edge, shiny, brightly colored cars that could be spotted a mile away.: The Autobots decide to go after the CIA's contractor, who is played by Stanley Tucci and is one'a the highlights of the flick. He's managed to manufacture Transformers by analyzing the metal they're made of. He calls this metal Transformium, a name he actually expects us to take seriously. His main robot is named Galvatron, was made by examinin' former big bad Megatron, and is constantly malfunctioning. This can't go wrong at all, right guys?
This is the greatest film review I've read in some time
ON WARD TO PART 2!!!!
Dude, when I fix your grammar, let me fix your freaking grammar!
2245873 What?
2245952 "Who's" is a contraction, used in place of "who is". You used it where you meant to say "whose" while describing Cade Yeager's daughter Tessa. I'm pretty sure I fixed that before you posted this, but lo and behold...
2246079 Ah; I think you're mistaken. I don't remember seeing it fixed. Either way, though, I'll fix it now.