Review: Of Dragons and Mortals · 9:46pm Jun 4th, 2014
Good morning you raging pathological maniacs! I’ve got a little something special for you today. A story if you will. But you see, this isn’t a story in the strictest sense of the word, for you see, there isn’t just one story happening here. No, there are two. The story that has been linked to you, and another story. A much more telling story, a story of sexism of mormon proportions, a story of one sad, cheeto-stained man’s struggle to escape the friendzone via spike fucking a bunch of horses.
Otherwise known as Of Dragons and Mortals.
But, you see, I couldn’t quite follow normal operational procedure. No, I’m tackling a veritable behemoth, so I shall be taking a note from our resident sociopathic Natzi femfag (Parasprite) and sticking this review in a blog post for all of you to see! So witness and behold my dear readers a tale of love, (not)loss, and… something something something intro.
And with that, let us begin the tale of Spike the Horsefucker!
A review by Mr. Ignorable & Aryame!
Prologue
Ponyville. A calm, quiet town in Equestria's countryside. Also the site of several of the most important events in recent history, as well as the home of Equestria's newest princess and the Elements of Harmony, who frequently play host to the god of chaos and go on epic, world-saving adventures.
Feels good to be back in the saddle. Kinda like old times, ay old friend?
You haven’t aged one bit, Snake. Or something like that. But forget introductions, it looks like we’re going to learn what Ponyville is!
To say nothing of the madness that lies therein.
So maybe not very quiet,
We’re just getting started; why did you lie to meeeee?
Patience young padawan. There will be time for tears later.
The young dragon had actually grown a bit in the years he had spent in the small town: his fire breath was more powerful than ever, he was stronger, and his voice had dropped, among other things signifying a growing young drake.
So apparently Spike has been aged up?
A bit, but not enough. The writer’s also confused about whether he’s a dragon or a drake.
I thought they were the same thing?
No, dragons live in dungeons. Drake is that cunt who steals treasure.
Or the shitty R&B producer, depends on who’s asking really.
His physical growth, though, seemed to have been stunted, as he was only a little bigger than he had been when he first moved to Ponyville from Canterlot.
...Okay… he hasn’t been technically aged up? I’m getting confused.
His mom smoked while he was in the womb. No big mystery.
Spike was deep in thought, but still perked up when he heard the sound of a male voice singing. This was closely followed by the sound of a lute being played. Smiling in spite of himself, Spike straightened out and looked over towards the sound. He was rewarded with the appearance of a dust-gray unicorn with blue eyes and chestnut-brown mane. His name was Quick Wits,
(running into an OC sounds like a TERRIBLE reward)
and he was a traveling musician who had been in Ponyville a week, performing in the streets. He was really good, too.
Ar… prepare yourself. This is basically where the first signs of the story’s incontinence make themselves known.
It’s gonna pee itself?
Worse.
“I mean you look like you're deep in thought about something unpleasant.” The unicorn leaned his lute against the bench and sat down next to Spike. “Mare troubles?”
Can you smell it Ar? I swear, if this was anymore foreshadowing, you’d be hearing a little japanese man running around shouting “GODZILLA!”
Spike looked over to him and couldn't help but smile. Quick Wits was every inch a pretty boy, with the sort of roguish, almost boyish good looks that many nobles would kill to have. Almost like a teenage heartthrob, really.
KISS KISS!
Oh God. I can smell the Sue from here. I think it smells like the cheetos OP is so fond of shoving down his face-hole.
I like how he can’t be bothered to specify which teenage heartthrob. That might *gasp* build the world a little!
Why world-building when you can-*spoilers*
There was something about the traveling bard that made Spike feel like he could be trusted; he had spread laughter effectively enough to make Pinkie Pie proud, and he was kind and respectful to everyone he met.
D’aww christ. It’s only the prologue and it’s already getting worse Ar.
Am I the only one hearing “Endless Love” being played softly? I know it’s just Mary Sue-ing, but this is the gayest possible way to do it.
Again, patience. The best is yet to come.
“I'm... stunted. I'm growing up slowly. Don't say it!” Spike held up a hand to forestall the inevitable response.
You know Spike, there are support groups for that.
“Ever since that McDonald’s coffee incident, I can no longer… grow.”
Hey Ar, remember that one movie about the kid and the ten-cent genie? Where the kid grows up to become Steve Martin?
I was thinking of the one with Tom Hanks.
That’s the one! What was it called again?
Big?
That’s this story in a reverse-nutshell.
I hurt my back giving your mom a reverse-nutshell.
Really? Are we really doing this? Why verbally assault each other when we have a nice big dragon dick to lambast?
“And you're sure it's not your breed of dragon?” Quick said, gently rubbing the small dragon’s back.
“Gently rubbing the small dragon’s back” is not how you set up a non-rapist.
Observe, Ar. This is the last sane thing we will be seeing in this story. Now, taking a moment to go out of “review” mode here, I’d like to point this out to our beloved masses;
I gotta ask though, do you have any male friends?”
“Do you like to watch movies about gladiators?”
A few moments of silence passed, and Spike couldn't shake the sensation that he was being tested somehow. But then Quick's eyes softened and returned to the look he knew. Spike felt as though he had passed whatever test it had been.
“I may be able to help,” Quick said.
There was a new sensation in the air now. Quick seemed more impressive and important somehow and gave off a sort of aura that made him seem trustworthy. It was odd. The sensation vanished as soon as Spike became aware it existed, and Quick was just Quick again.
Can you hear that noise Ar?
I hear the dull whine of bullshit OC powers cranking up.
Cherish it Ar, because that is a sound you will become uncomfortably familiar with; the sound of the story shitting itself.
“A dragonstone. Or 'The Dragonstone', I'm not sure.” Quick rolled the small gem around in his hand and fixed Spike with a relaxed gaze. “I got it in a thrift store in... Canterlot, I think. It was after a dragon scare.”
OH LOOK AT THIS MAGICAL MCGUFFIN! CAN YOU FEEL HOW CONTRIVED IT IS?!
Yep, it’s here that we’re introduced the the magical “fix everything with no downsides or consequences” device.
And its here that our story, the secondary story of the basement Beta-male comes to light, because if you think this is bad, wait till you see how he treats the women.
I tremble with anticipation. And fear. But really, I want to know more about this ridiculously irresponsible thrift store in Canterlot. What else are they selling there, Mogwais?
I dunno. Last I heard, they were selling ancient necklaces with Alicorn powers.
So that’s how Giuliani made himself attractive enough to get a mistress.
The two hands brushed with the gem in the middle, and a surge passed through Spike. When he then slowly retracted his hand, the gem rested in his palm. It was exuding an odd sensation. Following some primal instinct, Spike popped the gem into his mouth, chewed, and swallowed.
And like a fire hydrant on a summer day, the shit starts spewing all over the screen.
But it’s yet to leave any real stains. Let’s see what happens immediately afterward.
Spike's mind was a dark place. Suddenly, there was light. The world came back into half-focus. A hand was grasping his shoulder tightly.
A hand was grasping his shoulder lightly.
A hand was grasping his shoulder lightly.
Oh no.
FORESHADOWING CONTINUES.
The story even foreshadows why it’s bad!
“You're stronger than that,” Quick said, his voice cutting through the overwhelming sensations rushing through the young dragon's mind. “Fight it.”
RO, RO! FIGHT THE POWAH!
He had complete control over himself, over his power, over his mind. No draconic instincts reared their ugly heads. He had powers beyond what he thought was possible, and they were at his clawtips without forcing themselves on him.
This reminds me of that one Celldwellar song. Against The Tide. Why? Because we’re going up against the tide. A tide of fecal matter, that is.
This reminds me of a LoHAV story.
Which one?
All of them. Go go gadget Poorly Explained Gary Stu Powers.
That was when the first flash of information surged through his mind. He flinched. Scripts he had never read, places he had never been, history he had no way of knowing, knowledge of all kinds that he had never acquired flashed through his mind at a dizzying pace.
IT JUST KEEPS FUCKING HAPPENING. AND THERE’S STILL 10 CHAPTERS LEFT.
And then the knowledge he gained was NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN.
No literally. It never was.
Well, there are much more important qualities he gained, which we’ll see in just a sec.
“Dragonheart...” Spike muttered.
Hey Ig, you know what was cooler than this story?
Whazzat?
Dragonheart.
The Movie?
If Spike suddenly got voiced by Sean Connery, I might actually buy the upcoming plot twists.
If Spike suddenly got voiced by Sean Connery, all the hare-brained insanity that occurs later in this fic might’ve actually made sense.
Chapter 1
She tended to her purple wings next, her slender fingers
Yes, you read that right. If you miss the fact that there’s an anthro tag, you will never know until NOW, a chapter in.
It was at the bed that Twilight's eyes froze and warning bells began going off in her head. The shape lying wrapped in the cover on the bed was perfectly pony-sized. For a few moments, Twilight worried that a stranger had broken into her home, but then she spotted Spike's green spikes poking out of the top of the blanket, and another worry took precedence.
Oh hey, lookit that, apparently PGH got an upgrade.
PHG?
Pony Growth Hormone. Dunno if it works on dragons though.
In other news today, Sylvester Stapone *ow*
... you deserved that one.
“Oh. It doesn’t hurt anymore,” Spike said, relief entering his voice.
“Thank you, Dulcolax!”
"For when it's hard or hurts to go!"
Twilight actually lost her breath when Spike managed to sit up and the sheets pooled around his lower waist. She had always known that he was strong, but the current Spike was built like an athlete, with powerful muscles rippling beneath his smooth purple scales.
You remember how I said the story started shitting itself? Well guess what Ar, now it’s starting to leave stains. Before we go into jokes, I’d like to point out that MAGICAL MCGUFFIN GEM has turned Spike into an athlete, when canon Spike is the dragon equivalent of a small fat child. If this isn’t Author Imprinting, then I don’t know what is.
If it weren’t a power fantasy, Spike would have grown into Bobby Hill.
There was a pause as Twilight processed the statement, and her eyes wandered--of their own accord, mind you--down Spike's chest as if to confirm that, yes, he was naked.
I just want to point out that we’re skipping a lot. It takes the writer at least a page of talking about Spike’s abs and Twilight blushing before they get to YES, HE HAS A PENIS. AND I’M UNCOMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT IT BECAUSE I’M SO NOT GAY.
Ar, the age of these mares are about 20ish. Correcto? Don’t you think that, in that time, they would’ve seen and interacted with a penis? Let this, again, remind us that the author doesn’t know how women function, and let it stand as proof that the author is a basement dwelling beta-male.
“What just happened down there?” Twilight asked out loud as she stood in the kitchen and tried to collect her thoughts. “Okay, Twilight, you can do this.” What exactly “this” was, she was unsure.
Again, let me rephrase the previous statement of FOR FUCK’S SAKE, THEY’RE ALREADY YOUNG ADULTS, THEY’VE MASTURBATED, SEEN DICKS, PROBABLY HAD DICKS. THEY’RE NOT PERMA-VIRGINS WHO TITTER AT THE MENTION OF SEXUAL CONTACT. Oh, but it’s not over. It’s not over by a LONG goddam shot. Perma-virgin here’s only just started on his spree of womanly incompetence.
Remember, kids. The trick to getting the babysitter to bang you isn’t intelligence, sensitivity, personality, or style. It’s abs.
“This time, there was no warning. No sudden greed, no hoarding. In fact, when Spike was observed this morning, there was no sign of new items, pilfered or otherwise, to indicate that he had fallen to his greed.” Twilight's blush, which had almost faded, returned full force, and she turned to face the kitchen counter. “His... physical form is also different from what was previously observed. Last time, Spike was predatory and lizard-like, like the more savage types of dragons in the world. This time... this time he's filled out more, becoming quite muscular. His body-shape last time was towards the predatory, lean hunting machine. This time he's more...” The blush intensified. “Like an athletic stallion… dragon... something.”
Hey, Ar, remember when we reviewed Air Superiority and you stated that the story was masturbating? If that story was masturbating, this story’s made a clone of itself and is now fucking all over a couch made of its own skin.
I’m more focused on how it goes out of its way to emphasize OVER AND OVER that Spike looks more like a stallion than a dragon now, which is why it’s okay to be attracted to him. Interracial relationships are icky.
“Please don't go away!” Twilight cried, verging on complete hysteria. “I almost lost you to the greed growth and the migration and I don’t want you to leave again and please stay we can find a way...”
Wow, that was a pretty reasonable emotion when confronted with sudden growth. I think I might’ve misjudged this story a bi-
The hand was smooth, and the claws were almost as malleable as the rest of the hand, just a bit harder and with a hint of sharpness that made the girl shiver in spite of her academic mindset.
...nevermind.
The lavender academic unicorn shivered as the dragon drake’s apparently rubber claws scritched her like a furry.
They’re not even fingerbanging, so there’s no real reason for...this.
Again, audience, you may think we’re nitpicking, but the story takes LITERALLY every opportunity to talk about how sexy Spike is. Is his chest mentioned? It’s his smooth, toned chest with pert man-nipples. His hand? It’s his smooth, tender hand with pert man-nipples.
We’re not even trying to emphasize anything. We’re just going through this chapter paragraph by paragraph.
Spike slowly drew his hand away from her grasp after a moment, pulled it closer to him, and seemed to concentrate for a moment. His hand transformed. There was no flash of light or puff of smoke, the hand just seemed to morph before Twilight’s eyes. She could see the muscles and maybe even the bones shift under the scales. The claws grew in size, and Twilight could almost hear them sharpen.
The hand was offered to her again. This time, it was far more rigid, the scales more coarse and the claws more deadly. In her hands, however, Spike’s claws morphed, shrank, and softened back to the much more subdued and dull claws she had been holding earlier.
Oh, and by the way, this here? Don’t you dare forget this little segment. I guarantee that this will come back and bite us in the ass like Chekov’s Boomerang.
I’m calling finger-penises. Right here. Right now.
Prepare to simultaneously be disappointed and disgusted.
“Ah, well…” Spike hesitated, unsure where to start, or how much to say. “Do you remember Quick Wits?”
How could we not remember our favorite OC, second only to Not-A-Gary-Stu?
Second? No, not by a longshot. Then again, spoilers.
The silence had stretched on for too long
Much like this scene where NOTHING IS HAPPENING.
Much like this chapter, honestly.
“I… didn’t know gemstones had a scent?”
It smelled like BULLSHIT.
I COULD SMELL THIS SHIT FROM NEW JERSEY, AND THAT’S THE BULLSHIT CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.
So what does this mean? Is this permanent? Are you stronger or something?”
“It is permanent.” Spike confirmed, his tone calmly confident. “And whatever else I might be, stronger or whatever, I’m in control.”
Thanks for letting us know that without any investigation, study, or evidence. Glad we don’t have to worry about any potential conflicts.
Why worry about that when we have SPIKE THE GODDAM DREAMBOAT?!
Chapter 1
THERE ARE STILL 8 GODDAM CHAPTERS LEFT.
Speak of the draconequus; Pinkie felt her back itching again as she handed a box of donuts over to one of her stallion customers. The itch sent a pleasant shiver through her body, too, which was new. Itchy back meant it was her lucky day, but what did the shiver mean?
Oh my god I just want this shit to end.
When you’ve set it up so Spike is so blatantly attractive that everyone starts dripping like a Rug Doctor when they see him, there’s no mystery.
When emotions run high, it’s easy to forget things. That was why, in all the drama of their morning, Twilight and Spike had forgotten to eat breakfast. When Twilight had calmed down (and enjoyed Spike’s embrace for a while longer than she strictly needed), Spike’s rumbling belly had informed them that they hadn’t even started making the most important meal of the day yet. Since Twilight had a busy schedule, they had agreed to eat out, and headed for Sugarcube Corner.
Okay. I take back all I’ve said so far about the story being a brainchild of a beta-male permavirgin. This next part. This next fucking part is where the story’s shit canon cranks it up to eleven. Just watch.
“Good morning, Twilight.” Pinkie finally said, her muzzle half-buried in Spike’s neck. “And good morning to you, Spike. Look at you, all grown up.” She looked up into Spike’s eyes and smiled. Today there was something about her voice that seemed warmer than usual. Still, this was Pinkie after all…
Ar, I’m seriously hoping you’re seeing what I’m seeing here.
I see it, but I wish I didn’t.
For those of you at home who either don’t know what we’re talking about, or haven’t been paying attention at this point, here’s a little better example of what both Ar and I are seeing;
“Nope, I haven’t seen that pretty boy today. Sorry!” Her voice took on a decidedly sultry tone as she turned back to Spike. “Besides…” She purred as her right hand traveled to Spike’s chest and began to lazily draw circles over his heart. “Mr. Replacement Eye Candy here is much tastier anyway…”
Her voice took on a decidedly sultry tone
YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING RETARDED TO NOT SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING AND HOW WRONG IT IS.
Also, “pretty boy” is referring to Quick Wits because suicide should be mandatory for some people.
Amen to that. Oh, and by the way, you want to know why I flipped out like that? Because while the shittiness of what’s happened is pretty bad, it is absolutely nothing compared to what’s coming up here in a second. Specifically, this part;
“But…” Twilight was confused. She would almost immediately regret what she said, but she couldn’t stop herself. “But it’s Spike!”
Notice how Twilight raises a good point on how it is completely not okay to hit on Spike since he currently has the mental capabilities of a 12 year old, stuck in a 25 year old’s body.
Yep. The first sensible thing said in three chapters. Maybe this is turning around-
“Yes. It is,” Pinkie said, choosing not to take offense. “And that’s why it’s okay.”
Notice how Pinkie, and by extension, the author completely ignores the valid question and just goes “no, it’s totally cool man.”
Just.
Fuck.
“Spike’s always been good to me. To us. He’s been kind, supportive, charming, intelligent, diligent and more… He’s been... pretty much everything I want in a stallion, really.” Pinkie paused there and smiled. “I really, really like him, and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside seeing him all grown up and hunkified like that.”
Notice how Pinkie immediately has feelings for him because of semi-established back-canon, and finally;
Again, the difference between statutory rape and it being totally okay is abs. Also, notice how she conveniently ignores every episode that shows that Spike is a petulant child.
“I understand that it’s a lot to take in right now,” Pinkie said. She drew Twilight in for a hug. It helped. “Here’s the thing. I really, really like Spike. I have for a while now. But he was too small, so I didn’t do anything. And I tried not to feel anything. But now he’s all grown up and handsome and everything, and I really like him, and… well… if I felt this way about a pony, I’d act on it. So I’ll act on it.”
NOTICE HOW THIS IS COMPLETELY FUCKED THE SHIT UP. “But Mr. Ignorable! This is perfectly reasonable” some of you might argue, but that’s just because none of you are seeing it as I’m seeing it. Specifically, the part I mentioned earlier that SPIKE IS, FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, STILL A FUCKING CHILD. SHE IS LITERALLY STATING THAT SHE IS GOING TO FUCK A MINOR. And don’t give me that shit about “Spike being all grown up now”. ‘Grown up’ is a state of mind. Its the same reason we have really wise children as well as man-babies. Let me say this again, SPIKE IS STILL A FUCKING CHILD. And Pinkie is stating that she is going to go after him, and to an extent, fuck him.
That doesn’t take very long to happen, either. In terms of time passage in the story, I mean. It still takes several chapters, because we have to parade him in front of every single one of the mane six and have him make their fishflaps drippy.
I take it back Ar. This shit wasn’t cranked up to eleven, it was cranked up to twenty
“Overprotective...?”
YOU KNOW. THAT THING TWILIGHT SHOULD BE, BECAUSE SPIKE IS STILL A FUCKING CHILD?!
Spike was talking to another mare.
Several chapters? Fuck it, it’s already happening.
Don’t worry. If there’s one thing we’ve learned so far, it’s that conflict will never happen.
And now he had an adult body. A body that could take him much further than his child body ever could. His fantasies no longer ended at “but I’m too little for that.”
The problem here is that he still TECHNICALLY IS “TOO LITTLE FOR THAT.”
It’s like the story is one long metaphor arguing that the sex scene in Big was okay.
God, this story’s just getting more and more pedo-y.
“Well, I’ll leave you to it,” Sea Swirl said. She patted Spike’s hand, which was lying limply on the table, and walked back to her friends with a distinct sway in her step that drew his eyes to her hips for a few seconds.
Just get to the boning so we can get this disgusting excuse for a story over with.
It was odd, really. Neither of the two mares had anything against Sea Swirl. In fact, Pinkie even considered her a friend. Not a close friend, but still. But when Twilight and Pinkie saw Sea Swirl flirting with Spike, they both felt uncomfortable. Twilight found herself suddenly thinking hurtful things about Sea Swirl that she probably didn’t even deserve,
Wow, already adding to Spike’s “growth” is the fact that there are early signs of cat-fighting. Goody.
Deciding that subtlety was something for politicians and barbers, Pinkie immediately went over to Spike, wrapped her arms around his head, and gently buried his face in her ample cleavage.
BECAUSE PURPLE PROSE AND FUCKING BOOBS.
At least it’s not going to get any worse...
It was a fox, Twilight realized, a bright, fuzzy blue fox. Now why did it look familiar? Where had she read about fuzzy blue foxes?
It was a spirit fox! They were rare creatures indeed, but what little Twilight had read about them implied that they were intelligent, friendly, and non-threatening creatures. Under normal circumstances, spirits couldn’t be seen by the naked eye, but alicorns had a different connection to the spirit world, and they could sometimes see them.
*sniffle*
BECAUSE EVEN MORE OUTLANDISHLY-GARY STU SHIT. AND THIS ISN’T EVEN THE WORST OF IT EITHER!
Chapter 3
Fuck me with a tooth-pick.
“So what happens now?” Pinkie asked in an innocent tone. Spike didn’t answer, lost in thought. “I think you need some new clothes. The ones you have on are all baggy and awkward. You need a tailor.”
Here’s our paper-thin excuse to parade Spike in front of yet more Main Six members.
Speaking of that, let’s try and put this god awful fuck-tastrophy into a nutshell, shall we?
With how long this thing is, that’s the only way to fly.
Speed run it is then!
It’s said you never forget your first crush. As far as Spike was concerned, truer words had never been spoken.
Well, it’s pretty hard to forget your mother.
Which is especially hilarious when this happens later;
His eyes drifted downwards. She was wearing a dress that cut off just above her knees, which showed off a bit of her beautiful legs.
AND THIS
Spike inevitably looked up again and let his eyes wander over Fluttershy’s back, lingering longer than he should have on her fine rump.
Fluttershy has a bony ass. It looks like an ent’s face.
It's so bony that even the models are referring her to the Anorexia hotline.
It looks like Salvador Dali’s interpretation of an ass.
Only with less clocks in the sky.
Also, staring at women’s naughty bits like they’re steaks is the first sign you’re in Truuuue Loooooove.
Really? I thought the first step was looking like Patrick Swayze from Baywatch.
The rest of the chapter’s just a bunch of “everyone’s appraising Spike like he’s the last dick on earth”. And him ‘meeting’ Rarity.
Don’t you mean ‘meating’?
BOY FUCKING DO I. Oh and before we progress, the author doesn’t want us forgetting the MAIN story (like there is one), because he helpfully reminds us with this nonsense plopped at the back of the chapter like a hanging shit;
Very few sane creatures braved the Everfree, which meant that the approach of a bipedal creature in a hooded cloak was rare, to say the least. The creature simply walked in, no preamble, no hesitation…
Not even a hint of fear.
Oh fuck; it’s Shadow the Hedgehog.
CAN YOU SEE ALL OF ME, WALK INTO MY DESTINY, STEP INSIDE AND HOLD ON FOR DEAR LAIIIIFEEE.
Oh, no. It’s a side plot about that OC the author practically shipped Spike with doing completely uninteresting things with Sean Connery from DragonHeart.
Me personally, I prefer Mel Gibson from Braveheart, but we can’t all have our cakes, now can we?
Chapter 4
Rarity stared. In the privacy of her own home, she had often entertained fantasies of a handsome stallion who would draw her into his arms and sweep her off her hooves. However, more and more often, the mysterious stallion had instead been a strapping young dragon clad in vibrant purple and green, the exact same color scheme of the one who was now standing just outside her door.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. IT’S LIKE A SPANISH TELENOVELA.
“Rarity awoke to a mattress laden with fuck fumes from a dream she had about her child friend.”
*Recently adult-ified-still-mentally-a-child-friend.
She squirmed in her bed, thinking about his sexy abs as she bathed in her fallopian fog.
Nigga you think that’s bad? Take a look at this;
“And I turned him down. A nice, attractive stallion who just wanted to get to know me a bit better, and I felt nothing. Then Spike walked in, and… and I’m smitten.”
Oh, right. I forgot we had a throwaway scene where Rarity turns down a date with Thunderlane. And here I was all ready to bitch about how I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere
FEAR ME YOU FILTHY FUCKING CASUALS, FOR I HAVE REACHED A LEVEL OF RAGE THAT IS BEYOND YOUR PETTY UNDERSTANDINGS.
But in all seriousness, I think I just burst a goddam everything. For starters; yup. WHO NEEDS PERSONALITY WHEN YOU HAVE FUCKIN’ ABS?!
Not Brad Pitt.
Hey Ar, remember that offhand polygamy comment from earlier?
No; I just imagined Rarity as Angelina Jolie and I’ve retreated to my happy place.
Well too bad Antonio Banderas, because guess what reared its ugly head with a vengeance?
“I know, dear. I just…” Rarity drifted off and gazed into her tea, as though hoping the hot beverage would give her the words she needed. “Look. When I look into the future… and I imagine a… a family… I… you girls...
I just… want to involve all of you without things getting gay… so I figured we’d be the 2,785th thing to rip off Tenchi Muyo except there’s no competition or tension.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it actually gets worse.
Are we at the part where he shoves a bunch of things in AJ’s pussy like it’s a briefcase?
I personally prefer calling it her “Attache case of love” but, whatever floats your boat.
I think he loses his watch in there.
I know I lost a fucking tuba in there once. Don’t ask. All joking aside however, I’d like to say that, while AJ’s scene is pretty hamfisted (intended), Rainbow Dash’s… entire character is worse. Infinitely worse.
“Well… for example, I don’t have any natural wings. But I think I can fly anyway.”
“Oooh, sounds interesting! How?”
“Dragon magic,” Spike said with a confident gleam in his eye. “Watch.”
Spike closed his eyes and concentrated. Rarity could feel a slight tingle in the air, much like what she felt when another unicorn was performing magic, but… different, somehow. Two purple torrents of ethereal energy appeared at Spike’s shoulder blades. They glowed brightly and pulsed a few times before they “unfurled,” revealing a pair of large, transparent, purple draconic wings, composed entirely of raw arcane energy. Amazingly enough, they seemed to pass right through the fabric of the robe without causing any damage to it. Spike’s eyes opened, and he gave the wings a flap, causing a gust of wind to whirl through the boutique.
Can’t forget this.
Can we please forget this? No. Seriously though, OP just up and went “magics. Snort Snort” to account for the lack of reasons why SPIKE IS MAGICALLY ABLE TO FLY, EVEN THOUGH HIS BODY/MASS RATIO WOULD GROUND HIS ASS FASTER THAN A STEALTH BOMBER IN A TRUCKER COMPETITION.
Dragon Magic isn’t even a thing. This is totally a cop-out for forgetting that dragons are supposed to have wings when they’re older.
I don’t know how many times I can say “I hate this author” without losing interest.
Chapter 5
Christ and his holy mother Kim Kardashian, this shit still isn’t over.
“You really kissed her stupid.”
You forgot a comma.
He also forgot to delete the entire story before posting it, but lets not argue semantics.
So right off the bat, this slaps us in the face like a three day old turkey sandwich;
“Lovey-dovey stuff…” Rainbow admitted, just barely above a whisper.
I… I can feel myself dying on the inside. I don’t even know how that’s possible either, my souls’ deader than Stone-Cold Steve Austin (bring back Benoit!)
RIP Bibleman RIP
But really, yes. We are, in fact, seeing that the lack of interest in lovey-dovey stuff that made Rainbow Dash different was ALL A LIE.
Look at this sex-fic trying to portray itself as something more. Isn’t it cute?
“Aaah… I had no idea you felt that way about our Spike,” Rarity cooed, supportively placing her hand on her friend’s shoulder.
The only correct way to respond to this would be “NO. REALLY?!” Because let me tell you something author, your readers aren’t retarded. They spotted this shit a mile off and still kept reading for reasons unknown and unfathomable to me. You have failed to surprise us with any of your so called “plot twists”. The ones that I couldn’t spot, made no goddamn sense (like that fucking fox). And the best part is, we’re only half-way through this story.
We’ve said it a million times, but it’s phrased terribly every single time. All of the main six are pedophiles who were just waiting for a sexy adult body because kid dicks just aren’t big enough.
Oh you poor, blind sod. That was just the beginning, because a few paragraphs later, this monstrosity rears its ugly head;
She had truly grown up from the small and cute child he had known years ago. Sweetie was wearing a casual sundress on her filled-out body, and used just the barest hints of makeup to highlight her beautiful face, as her sister had no doubt taught her. Not for the first time today, Spike’s breath was stolen away.
JAILBAIT, HO!
If anyone reading this is saying “Surely you’re overreactig. You took this out of context! It’s not going where it looks like it’s going!”
It’s going EXACTLY where it looks like it’s going.
But hang on, here, because we’ve skipped over something that I REALLY need to touch on. More like ‘tear apart’ than touch on, but you know
What be this?
“And as our closest male friend, who we all care about very deeply, he at least deserves a fair chance, correct?”
Here, we discover what the story is REALLY about; 
and it’s the saddest fucking thing on the planet. Every multi-thousand word chapter just makes it sadder. It’s not even a story. It’s the wish-fulfillment fantasy of a lonely man who understands women about as well as he understands dramatic tension and character development.
Ladies, his name is Rakni, and he’ll always be available.
Anyways, back to talking about kiddy-fiddling. After all, you have to remember to not feel TOO sorry for him.
Chapter 6
NOW WITH MORE APPLEJACK!
So, Ar, I’m guessing you were subjected to the same first paragraph that I was?
Where Rainbow Dash tries to tongue-kiss Spike and he’s all “I’m in too deep”?
All that, yes. You see, that isn’t so bad (in comparison to the rest of the story). No, its what cums (hah) after, that makes it all the worse. How you ask?
“Well, you’re looking mighty fine, Ah must say....” she half-whispered, her lips a few inches from his. But she pulled back, a teasing smile on her lips.
Am I the only one sitting here screamign ‘JAILBAIT. JAILBAIT, JAILBAILT.’
We know they’re going to kiss. It’s not going to be any kind of surprise unless she has a second retractable jaw.
That little paragraph segment by the way, was from Applebloom.
Applejack closed her eyes to think. Thankfully, Rainbow Dash stayed quiet as she did so. She tried to sort out her feelings… and found herself smiling. Spike might have moments of weakness, but so did they all. He was hardworking, dedicated, kind, and a true gentledrake.
Glad to see the only person(pony) in the entire story that could’ve either played the straight man(mare) or seen what was TERRIBLY FUCKING WRONG WITH THIS SCENARIO is on the Polygamy bandwagon.
“B-b-b-but you have to understand, like, man, like, HORSES have harems (kind of) so THAT’S MY EXCUSE!”
I know you’re doing this as a joke, but I just want to punch the author in the face using your face as a sort of conduit, because that one sentence just made more sense than this entire fucking story.
Fun fact: if a stallion sees a foal in the group that he doesn’t recognize as his own, he will kick it to death. Yeah, real horses are a great thing to base your notions of pony civilization off of.
Let’s not expend all our hatred for that one scene Ar. There’s an even worse one on the horizon.
Oh, but before that, let’s just take a look at this rich and stunningly unique dialogue;
“Ah ain’t finished, young’un,” Granny interrupted. “Ah only have one problem: Ah wanna see great grand-children before it’s mah time. And Ah also know that Applejack’ll want to be a mother someday. Ah’m not one to stand in the way of romance, but if ya can’t give mah kin children, Ah will have to stand in yer way.”
THIS POLYGAMY BANDWAGON’S BECOMING A FUCKING CARAVAN.
Oh, right. It’s been a while since I last saw this chapter. Granny Smith CAN NOT be bothered to give a shit about anything except Applejack having babies. This is kind of a plot point, in the sense that they talk about it a lot and it gets explained away as not even being something they need to worry about because of more magic.
“I found that, while dragons and ponies can’t crossbreed, there is a rare but relatively simple spell that can transform my, um… ‘swimmers’ from dragon to pony.”
If meeting her parents is awkward, talking about your swimmers is a great icebreaker.
At least he’s "honest".
With that, Applejack shoved Spike up against a tree and planted an enthusiastic kiss on his lips.
And this day just keeps getting better.
Chapter 7
Brace yourself.
I’m just going to skip the formalities and get to the part that is both most important, and sums up/intertwines the two plotlines in this review in a succinct and neat little paragraph.
When she wrapped her arms around Spike’s neck, pushed him up against the tree, and pressed herself up against him, it felt good. When her lips met his and he answered her enthusiasm with his own, it felt right. When they deepened the kiss, it felt blissful.
How far was she willing to take this?
That’s a very, very good question AJ. How far are you willing to take your relationship (I use that in the loosest of senses) with a AS OF STILL MENTALLY 12 YEAR OLD BOY, WHOM YOU JUST REINTRODUCED TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER? How far, Mr. Author, are you willing to take this insane, sexist charade? And most importantly, how far are we willing to go inside your mind? I guess the answer to that question, both questions really, is ‘all the way’.
The biggest surprise, however, came when he grew aroused, and his hardness began to press against Applejack’s abdomen.
No, how could someone POSSIBLY get aroused when they’re sloppily making out?
Isn’t he pressed up against a tree or something here?
Yeup, they’re just sucking face, and he’s the one who’s up against the tree.
That’s what I thought. I guess he’s surprised he enjoys wood chips in his crack that much.
My favorite part is how that completely destroys the Aryan Super-Sexy-God-Of-Abs image the sperglord(author) is trying to make Spike.
“Touch me,” AJ demanded in a husky whisper.
JAILBAIT ALERT. JAILBAIT ALERT. BAD TOUCH. BAD TOUCH FOR ALL.
HOLD ME, TOUCH ME! HOLD ME, TOUCH ME!
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
Applejack let out a badly suppressed moan of pleasure as Spike gently cupped her breasts, his large hands perfectly covering her.
DO I REALLY NEED TO EXPLAIN MORE?! DO I REALLY NEED TO CONTINUE PAST THIS POINT FOR YOU PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND JUST HOW LITTLE OP KNOWS ABOUT WOMEN? Just, stare at this sentence for a minute, please.
Eh, I feel like bitching anyway. Who the fuck suppresses moans of pleasure when you have the go ahead to make gravy from her whole damn family, grandma included?!
Forget that, who the fuck starts gushing from just being groped?
Anime girls, who I think are the only women the author’s managed to observe for more than five minutes at a time.
Hah. That’s awful, Ar.
The moan struck a chord deep within Spike, and he began softly teasing those orbs, tracing the tips of his claws over and around her nipples in an effort to get her to make more of those sensual sounds.
Yay, Spike the instant sexlord. You know, you’re probably right about OP’s observation of women via anime.
Breasts are not orbs, you dense motherfucker. Neither are eyes, but that’s a complaint for another quote.
Oh, you think that’s bad, though? Hold on. Lemme just level with our audience for a minute; you know how so far, every(pony)one’s been declaring their love for spike-senpai? Notice how author tends to NOT go into detail about sex, such here;
She held back from crying out her passion to the skies as Spike explored her,
And while that’s bad, notice how author IS STILL FUCKING HESITANT ABOUT THE ACTUAL SEX PART. How I know this? Right after that, this happens;
*whistles the cave story theme*
“Look.” AJ sounded distracted as she broke his chain of thought. She finished dressing and pulled him over to her side, then pointed towards the sky. “Sweet Apple Acres is due fer a bit of rain. This place will be full of weather ponies in a few minutes.”
The same thing happened with Twilight, and Rarity, AND PINKIE, AND EVERYONE ELSE HE FUCKING MET. It’s all just “lingering kisses” and “exploration”. Know what that means?
A whole lotta blue balls?
That means author’s insecure about actual sex, and thus, becomes yet another shining point about how beta OP is. But let’s not argue semantics, shall we? “Why” you ask? Because this happened;
With a shrug, Quick Wits placed his crimson helmet back on his head, pulled up the hood of his cloak, turned around, and vanished into thin air.
OH, TUXEDO MASK! <3
LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKING ANGST LORD. Crimson? Really? You couldn’t have just said red? God, you’re a purple motherfucker.
The dragon could not hold back a grunt of surprise, but it was not at the sudden disappearance. There was no room in that helmet for the unicorn’s horn…
WHY IS THIS A THING? WHAT POSSIBLE REASON IS THERE FOR THIS TO EXIST?
Did you know, Ig, that I cannot wear skinny jeans, because my nuts don’t fit?
Why is that relevant?
It’s about as relevant as whatever the fuck the author is trying to tease about OC the wonder-pony.
“They’re family to me. Good as Apples. You hurt them, Ah hurt you.”
Wow, needless threats. Especially since Twilight is all but blood-related (something OP wants you to know very badly).
Also, you know what this story needs? Bullshit between Spike and the Owl. It wasn’t funny in the show, and it’s too unfunny to quote here. Moving on...
“Is that so…” Scoots said, her voice dropping slightly. She walked up close to Spike and ran a finger over his clothed chest. “Say, Spike…”
“Yeah?”
“Rape meeeeeee, my frieeend!”
“Wanna see our cutie marks?”
JAILBAIT.
But I just can’t wait! I wanna scoot up in your poop chute!
This is so pedo it hurts.
Iii
Glad to see this is a thing.
Scootaloo went first. She sat down in Spike’s lap, laying her legs over one of the armrests and placing a hand on his head to make him look down at her hip. With his attention thus claimed, Scootaloo slowly pulled up her dress before the dragon’s staring eyes, uncovering her toned, athletic thigh until she finally exposed herself all the way up to her hip, where her pride and joy rested: a smoking tire being struck by a lightning bolt. A daredevil’s mark.
I just… I… wha… I… why.
“I’d like to burn some rubbers in you, m’laaaaady” Spike said with a greasy tip of his fedora.
*Rakni. Because we all know that’s who this is really about. Oh, and btw, Ar? Wanna know the best part about this? It was a cock-tease. There was literally no point or foreshadowing about what this was, and why this happened. This scene was included simply because OP is a goddam beta male.
Let’s not play into his game of Alpha and Beta males and friend-zoning. This was included because the author wanted to be a cocktease to fucking pedophiles. Take that as you will.
Pedophiles? This guy is a cocktease to everyone. Seriously, if you can’t write the sex part of a sex-fic, then don’t bother writing said fic in the first place. Oh, but just you wait. Just you fucking wait, because polygamy rears its head yet again with this nonsense;
“Fine.” Rainbow cleared her throat. “I’m not in a hurry to settle down and have a family. But I do think about it sometimes. You wanna know what I see when I picture my future family? I see you girls, the best friends I could ever hope for, there with me. We’re a family, a herd, and we’re together with a stallion who makes us happy.”
There is a very special reason I’m harping on author’s very apparent, and prolific use of the “herd” architecture. You see, in the show, ponies are couples. That was exhibited during the episode where Cheerilee and Big Mac fall in love. Couples. Now, while equines do indeed have either matriarchal or patriarchal herd marriage systems, we’re talking about anthros here. Not only that, author has not once stated that ponies function in herd marriages throughout the entire fic.
Aside from, as you already said, the fact that they DON’T in Equestria, there’s a reason horses aren’t capable of civilization besides not having opposable thumbs. Herd dynamics are kind of, well, horrible.
“Tell me this, Rainbow: a handsome stallion becomes available, and within days, a group of older mares have claimed him and pressured him into marriage. What would you call mares like that?”
“Sexual predators...” Applejack interrupted, “or cradle-robbers… or gold diggers, or desperate, or--”
“Okay, jeez, I get it. We take our time with him so we don’t come across as creepy. I can get behind that.”
Okay, so they don’t want to appear creepy, so they’re holding off on immediately jumping on him. But because of how they’re making this decision, that’s still EXACTLY WHAT THEY’RE DOING.
This is so ironic it hurts. They (by they, I mean the author) just basically stated that yes, the 6 are pedos, because again, Spike is a motherfucking child in an adult body. Yet they’re still going to take advantage of him at some later date (read; when author finally gets laid and is comfortable about talking sex.)
“Um, I have a question,” Fluttershy piped up, drawing the others’ attention. “How exactly does dating work?”
I don’t like playing the autism card, but god dammit.
Ar, I want to get off of Rakni’s magical not-funtimes train.
Well good, because there’s no way anyone’s getting off on it.
That joke was funnier than the entirety of this fic.
“Okay, so this,” Pinkie said, pointing at the candy in the center, “is the stallion. And these,” she adden, indicated the surrounding candies, “are the mares who like the stallion. Then it’s kinda a competition: the mares try to win the stallion’s affection, and in the end he falls in love and they get married!”
But OP stated not five paragraphs back that they were forming a herd. What’s the point of… this?
Rather than fall and love and get married, herds tend to stand around in a field pooping, and occasionally the stallion attempts to mount.
...ROMANCE!
Look on the brightside, at least it’s more straightforward.
There are also same-sex relationships, but I don’t think they’re relevant to us right now.
Yes, in a 6-on-1, it’s somehow not going to get gay.
Actually, it canonically won’t get gay, because guess what? This;
“Now then.” Rarity cleared her throat. “Since mares have always significantly outnumbered stallions, the herd is the most common romantic relationship. A herd usually consists of one stallion, or--in rare cases--two, and three to eight mares.”
This is so many levels of wrong, it’s like an onion of sexism, hypocrisy, and beta-male-ism. THERE ARE FUCKING LAYERS. For starters, ponies have been shown to be intelligent (if the train is anything to go by). And like all intelligent beings, they’ll want to experiment. Now, I don’t know what insanity you’re trying to convey, but by this point, this herd dynamic is probably far outdated.
This isn’t the first story to try and shoehorn in “herd dynamics” from real horses (as though that has any relevance whatsoever to ponies) as a cheap way to try and make their pathetic harem fantasies more believable. I just want to state for the record that it is always a bad idea and you are all terrible writers.
“But as they date, some mares will fall in love with the stallion, and he with them. Usually, the mares are already friends before the dating starts, like us, or this hypothetical group become friends out of their love for the same stallion. It is at this point that someone--again, usually the mares--proposes marriage.”
Holy jesus christ are you serious. I can’t even review this professionally anymore. This goes back to that line of “he’s our friend, so let’s give him a shot!” I don’t even know what this tells us about the author’s life anymore, just that it’s bad,and that there was no reason for it to exist.
That he wants to fuck all of his friends and wants a world where that’s okay.
“In fact,” Rarity continued, “if a mare falls in love with a stallion, it is common courtesy to introduce him to her closest unattached friends, so they can try dating him as well. For example, if one of us began dating and fell in love, she would probably invite the rest of us to ‘try him out,’ as it were.”
Ar. Help, please. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
I don’t know how much we can quote when we have the same complaint about all of them.
I can’t believe how hard he’s trying to hammer in the point that “no really, it’s okay to date your friends and stuff because reasons.”
If you have to dedicate a whole chapter to how what you’re trying to do with your story is okay, then 1. you’re not very good at world-building with tact and subtlety, and 2. it’s probably not okay.
I have completely lost my will to even.
So, moving on, Spike fucks Twilight. No, there’s not adequate transition to this except an exchange of “I love you”s to reinforce the fact that the author has NO IDEA how relationships work at their most basic level. It’s the first time the author attempts actual sex and it’s bad.
Bad is a goddam understatement. The writing’s so purple, I think it would’ve given Doctor Suess a goddam epileptic fit.
It makes a Harlequin Romance trash book look like Hemingway.
Motherfucker, you think we’re joking? Take a look at this;
Twilight closed her eyes and didn’t even try to fight the amazing sensations that Spike’s ministrations were causing in her, but her eyes opened when she suddenly found herself lying back on her bed. Her wings flared open in surprise and failed to close properly as Spike’s lips and touch traveled down her body, heading for her core. She was suddenly very aware of the throb of arousal deep in her gut, and of how she was soaking her modest panties
There’s a key word missing here; vagina, and speaking of missing words, it’s fondling, not ministrations. Ministration is what masseuses and chiropractors do. This is fondling.
Speaking of missing vagina: marehood
It shows up in nearly every pony porn story and it is always fucking awful. It’s a ponification of “womanhood,” which is a frighteningly sexist term for poonanny that implies a woman’s worth is only in her vagina, as well as it being the one thing that defines her. Hooray!
To be fair, we shouldn’t really be expecting that much from a clopfic in the first place
Spike pulled away from the kiss and aimed for Twilight’s core,
This here folks just about sums up what an’ Ar have been trying to show you about this entire… thing that happens between Twilight and Spike.
Spike’s penis has become a drill in a Michael Bay movie, apparently.
And Twilight’s Vagina has become a molten bed of heated metals. This just got kinky.
as they kissed furiously
“Fucking kiss me, you ugly piece of shit!”
“Fuck you! Your cunt smells like a baby’s coffin!”
>Accurate translation from Purple to English.
Chapter 8
IT BEGINS
So, finally. After 3/4ths of the story is devoted to Spike’s muscles, we finally get to the fourth of the story that’s devoted to his dick.
“I’m always ‘Rainbow Dash the athlete.’ It’s great most of the time, cuz, you know, that’s who I am, but…” She seemed to run out of steam here, but kept talking. “Right now I want to be a mare, too.”
Empowerment.jpg
Wow. Get your BDSM kit and lock your wife in the bedroom; sexism is back baby!
Nurr, Rainbow Dash am sportysport athleet, which am boy thing, but want am be real woman now too!
Mornings in Sugarcube Corner were always busy for Pinkie Pie. There was lots of baking to be done before the morning rush began, which suited her fine. Today, Mr. Cake was properly on hand, which meant that preparations were going much better than the day before.
You’d think this would be the beginning of the first chapter of another story, but you’d be wrong. We’re in Chapter 8 and it’s finally time to establish some
basic shit.
Notice how it’s more efficient with Mr. Cake. Yup, just more and more sexism. This story is so goddamn mindboggling, that it feels like watching The Twilight Zone on Acid. And not the street kind either.
To be fair, Pinkie has the world’s worst work ethic.
The one thing this story got right.
Fluttershy threw the bag aside and fell into Pinkie’s open arms, breathing heavily. “Pinkie…” she managed. “I need help.”
The glass ceiling is real and it’s crushing my skull.
I’m just… wow. This fic… just.. this fucking fic. I fucking can’t. WE’RE ONLY TWO MEN HERE.
Speak for yourself, Iggsy.
Oh... oh my.
My name is Alison Bechdel and I am a radical feminazi lesbian.
Oh good, Para needed a girlfriend.
“Are you scared of getting close to a stallion because you’ve had your heart broken before?” Pinkie asked in as soft a tone as she could manage.
Take note, the only way to make your female characters rounded and emotionally vulnerable is the way they interact with males. If someone has any kind of character trait or trauma, it’s over a man.
And you want to know the funny thing? You remember that one episode with the Ponytones? I’m pretty sure that coupled with the lessons she learned from Iron Will would have set her on the tone to becoming less anti-social and a more “productive member of society”. In short, she was getting over her problems.
What I’m floored by, now that I think about it, is this may be the only MLP fanfic (which has SIX female main characters) that actually FAILS the Bechdel test.
You’re going to have to enlighten me on that particular subject.
It’s just a decent guideline about whether anything has any female perspective whatsoever. It’s really simple. All you need are three things.
1. Two or more female characters
2. Who talk to each other
3. About something that’s NOT a man.
I wish I could write the sound of slow-clapping, and have the viewing audience hear it. I know we (and by that I mean me) keep saying it, but OP is a goddam beta-male with no understanding of the concept of “women” and how they’re, you know, as equally intelligent/emotionally dependent/independent as men.
“I’m in love with Spike,” she said firmly. “And I want to be with him. I want him to be with us, like Rainbow Dash said. I want him as our stallion, and I want us all to be a family.”
And with that, we run straight away from that potential nugget of something actually interesting, leaving it behind forever. What was it Fluttershy was traumatized by in the past? Fuck if I know, and I doubt the author has any idea either.
Yup. It really throws monkey shit in the face of logic how this story has such a ridiculously high UP/DV ratio. Guess this site’s just full of beta-males.
Or they all have it faved and are waiting for the eventual gangbang chapter with lots of muffdiving. Non-gay muffdiving, specifically.
This chapter’s kind of short. After a few more paragraphs, it ends with Pinkie and Fluttershy deciding they’ll ask Spike out for a 2-on-1 date, because…
Because.
Don’t look at me, I don’t fucking know why.
Well, they’re still talking about dating because of that weak-ass excuse offered earlier of them not wanting to look extremely desperate for a fuck, despite them OBVIOUSLY BEING EXACTLY THAT.
Even though they really shouldn’t be, at this point in their lives. The way OP describes them, you’d think they’d be getting hit on day and night. Admittedly however, I would honestly like to see OP expand on the dynamic between Pinkie and Fluttershy.
Too bad. It’s time for the next chapter and date night.
Don’t you mean Orgy night?
Chapter 9
It turned out to be a very busy day for the library, which was especially noteworthy considering it was a Saturday morning. More ponies interested in reading would usually be a good thing, but all the patrons were mares, and it was clear that they had come to eye her dragon like a piece of meat.
r/mensrights
This guy has an objectification fetish. Calling it now.
Ah plum forgot to do somethin’ when we met yesterday.”
So on a scale from 1/10, how hard do you resent this?
Not all that much? I mean, it’s kind of like having the token black character say “yessa massuh i’s gwyne to shine yo shooes real nice.”
Fair enough. But be warned, it gets way way worse after the library closes down.
Speaking of those mares in the library, notice how not only are the main six instantly attracted to Spike, but the whole damn town is to such a degree that Twilight and the others have to actively lay a claim on him to ward them off.
It’s not even sexism anymore. Everybody’s an object. Spike’s an object, the mares are an object. It’s fucking disgraceful honestly. The only parts that actually mean anything (the morning after scene, Pinkie/Fluttershy dynamic) are overshadowed by the need for the collective “herd” to feel good about itself, and to a greater degree, it serves as a way for the author to feel good about himself and what he’s doing here.
“AJ!” she cried out, mock-scandalized. “If it is...” Her sudden smile matched Applejack’s. “...Then I believe I’ll accept,” she purred, moving back into position.
Applejack felt a full-body shiver go through Spike’s body. He let out a deep, shuddering breath, and she watched his eyes slowly close as his grip on her tightened. She winked mischievously at her partner in crime, who returned the favor. Their little impromptu show to tease Spike had worked great.
Spot the point where the author actually bothers to describe the lesbian kiss. Hint: nowhere. It’s not important, because Spike isn’t involved. Immediately afterward, however, we have a heave-inducing sentence about Spike tonguefucking Aj’s throathole.
The next thing she knew, she was back-down on a table with Spike on top of her. His lips left hers and trailed down her collarbone, and she felt him press those sharp, predatory teeth against her neck, right over her pulse. The illusion of danger sent a surge of adrenaline through her, and she groaned out loud as his tongue shot out, tasting her. His hot breath spilled down her neck, sending shivers down her spine, and his hands trailed up her sides, climbing ever higher up her body.
You mean this?
I like the fact that they just up and start fucking IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN DAY. Twilight actually had to close the library because spike couldn’t control his hormones. And instead of, you know, stopping him, they decide “fuck it. Books don’t matter anyways.” I think I just hit that glass ceiling, Ar.
“Come on now,” Pinkie said, a teasing note in her voice, “like we practiced.” With that in mind, Fluttershy turned to Pinkie, and the two mares embraced in a full-body hug that squashed their breasts together. They smiled at each other, then turned their smiles on Spike and winked at him in perfect synch.
The girls saw Spike stagger as though he had been physically struck, and he started breathing heavily as he stared shamelessly at them. The mares eventually broke off from the position, giggling. Spike struggled to recover from their attack on his libido.
Humor straight from anime for 13 year old boys. ...PEOPLE DO NOT WORK THIS WAY.
Notice how our dear author made special mentions to their breasts, and Spike’s libido.
The rest of this chapter is mostly date prep, with special mention to how Mcstu basically turned a full on dragon into an anthro through the special magic called “Bullshit”. To be fair however, the Pinkie/Fluttershy duo get a shout out, and while it’s about as well written as using a chainsaw to carve the Thanksigiving Turkey, the author at least tried, however. Anywho, on to the next and final chapter (and thankfully, and end to this insanity).
Chapter 10
For the last time, forward unto the breach!
Chapter 10: a haiku by Aryame
Even more date prep
Goddamn,this shit is boring
Something with dragons
Rarity and Rainbow Dash were only teasing. They fully expected Spike to shy away, possibly even retreat. That was why both of them fell completely silent when Spike grabbed the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up over his torso, slowly and purposefully revealing his delightfully toned upper body.
Wow. At least buy them dinner first.
They would have gasped if they weren’t paralyzed. Their dragon gave a purposeful yawn and stretched mightily. It allowed the girls a delightfully unobstructed view of his toned body, which they proceeded to devour with their eyes.
Because Spike is a gift from the gods, ladies. Enjoy with caution.
“They would have gasped if they weren’t paralyzed”
I don’t think it’s nice to make fun of the handicapped.
We’ve already gone far beyond the line of what’s acceptable. Next thing you know, we’ll be making cancer jokes.
“I can be a very shallow mare,” she said. “I have, more than once, built up entire lives in my head around an ‘ideal’ stallion. Somepony attractive, rich... a stallion with a title or fame… and… and that was it. That was all I needed. Such shallow reasons were enough for me, even if those stallions and I were utterly incompatible. I did not care about who they were, merely what they were.”
This is surprisingly mature for OP. Guess he finally figured out how women do-
“TuesdaAay--” Spike squealed in surprise as Rarity began nipping at his neck, sending shivers through his whole body.
Nope. Nevermind. It’s really a shame considering what came beforehand was some genuinely okay work.
It’s like there’s an invisible leash made of virginity that snaps him back whenever he starts to understand women.
This kiss was not meant to inflame, but to cool down. To cap off the earlier passion with a touch of sweetness. So he drew it out and slowly pulled away, gazing deep into Rarity’s eyes as they fluttered open.
Ladies and gentlemen, virginity leash at work.
As you probably got from my haiku, this chapter just bored me. Nothing of substance really happens, though there’s something in the middle with dragons or whatever.
Hey did you know that snails have an excellent sense of smell?
Yeah, this chapter is kind of… meh. There aren’t any examples of why this is a gilded shit on a pedestal, which is kind of a bummer way to end this review, but whatever. This shit was way more than any one of us could be asked in the first place.
I think it’s that by the end of this chapter, which is called Double Date, the double date still hasn’t happened yet. It’s like we’re reading the previous chapter over again. Getting ready with nothing interesting happening: part 2.
The mark of a great author, ladies and gentlemen.
In conclusion
I don’t really say this about many fanfictions (alright, maybe I do), but this was a shining, literally shining example of pure, unadulterated bullshit. The author imprints on Spike so hard that it physically hurts. He becomes this uber-hardcore Gary Stu. Women want to fuck him, men want to be him, and nobody wants to take into account how exactly de-(equine?)humanizing this all is. This my friends, is the tale how a beta-male’s perceptions of women became canon. This is a story told and approved about how, since Author couldn’t actually get laid in real life, he decided to create a fictional verse in which everybody loves Spike, and him by extension. He reduces strong women to what basically amounts to preteens. He writes off Spike’s mental age with nary a mention other than “he was mature for his age”. When he did eventually have sex, it was singlehandedly the most purple piece of clop I had ever read. None of the genetalia was mentioned, which leads me to believe that OP has never actually SEEN female genetalia in his life. In addition to that, the sex itself, while fulfilling Twilight in this fic, wouldn’t have fulfilled anyone in real (or even semi-real life). The polygamist relationship comes out of bloody nowhere, especially considering that Canon dictates couples in twos and threes. The characters are literally pedophiles, and no one has taken into account the lasting damage this might do to either Spike or the 6.
I said it before, and I’ll say it again. To me, it’s all that needs to be said about the story, the author, and the fanbase it has gathered:
So there ya have it folks. The story about Spike the Horsefucker, and OP the virgin
Good night, and good luck.
Wow. Can't believe I read the entire review. Holy shit this story is horrible. Not sounds, IS.
See, the gender dynamics actually imply that every pony is a Magical Lesbian (males are birth defects) who reproduce through some depraved combination of parthenogenesis and thaumaturgy.
And everyone is futa.
Aaawww...
op is always fag
2262620
Agreed.
Gotta say, this is beyond terrible. Wow.
This was hilarious to read. Thank you.
I am planning on writing a fic as soon as I get my own computer (don't want my family finding it - closet Brony
), and as soon as it's done, I want you guys to review it. This was absolutely fucking hilarious, and you guys pointed out issues that most people wouldn't have even noticed, nor cared about if they did.
I don't care if you make me want to throw my computer out the window and then burn it, I'm gonna need some good bullshit detectors, and judging by how you tore this godawful THING to shreds, I'm gonna say that you two are very good bullshit detectors.
I'm just wondering what the author of the THING is doing right now. Actually, no, I don't want to so that, because he's probably fapping to twelve-year-old boys' anime.