The [size=3em][b]FUCK[/b][/size] is wrong with people?! (Warning: Swearing. A fair bit, really.) · 9:39pm Apr 23rd, 2014
I mean...
...
I don't even.
So, I'm at work, at a quaint little place of business called The Erotic Bakery. (Yes. Erotic, not Exotic.) This guy calls up, asking me in a low, almost conspiratorial voice about my products.
"Can you read me your menu?"
"We don't have a menu, sir..."
"Well, you are a bakery, right?"
"Yes, and we sell cakes, cupcakes, cookies, and brownies."
"Oh. ...... So where's the 'erotic' part come in? What are they like, your stuff?"
"They're like your average mom-and-pop style cake (great tasting, especially the brownies), but they have sculptures of penises and vaginas and breasts and the like put on top."
So he asks me: "Hey, I was just wondering... since you're a bakery that's, like, erotic... could I have sex with them? The cakes. The vaginas on the cakes, can I have sex with them?"
".... Uhh... I... don't know..? If you reeaaaalllly wanted to try, I guess?" They're not really made for that kind of thing... "They're mostly just an edible decoration.
And then he asks: "What about the penis? Will it break if it, somehow, accidently, gets shoved up into my rectum?"
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS SHIT I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO HEAR THIS OH MY GOD-FUCKING CHRIST-FELLATING VIRGIN-FUCKING-ALMIGHTY-FLYING-SPAGHETTI-MONSTER WWWWHHHHYYYY?!?!?!?!?! "Uhh... I would say that, since it's made of marzipan, which is a soft food, that, uh, it probably would..."
"Oh. Huh."
"..........."
"So, do you ever get... excited by the cakes?"
OH MY FUCKING I CAN'T
"...No, I don't."
"Ah."
"..." Why is this guy even calling is this a prank or something or is he high I don't fucking get it why oh god why did he call while I'm on duty fucking hell aaarrrrrrgh
"Could you make a sculpture of a full-body, naked woman?"
Finally, a nice, safe, normal question! "--"
"Like, make it about 5 foot 3, or something. Or midget-sized. That'd be fun to play with."
ZDGN VCGGNBVHGLB XFDHB CXFKDTMRXGBO CGFXDFGMVZDNGGFHVFJXHDJ MCGUYJHSRDT CGMGXYJH "Sorry, but we don't make sculptures that big. We make normal sized cakes, so..."
"Oh... what did you have again?"
Urrrgh. "Cupcakes, cookies, cakes, and brownies."
"Can you like... mold brownies into a pair of breasts?"
"... We probably could, yes..."
"And then, like, put real nipples on them?"
"No.... That would be disgusting, most likely evil, against the law, and probably against health codes as well. Not to mention that it'd hurt to pull them off."
"No, no... They don't have to be alive when you pull the nipples off."
"I..."
"Hey, do you do necrophilia.... sculptures?"
"Nowe'veneverreallydoneanythinglikethatbutI'msurethatsomeoneprobablycouldforyoubutI'msorryI'vegotothercustomersthatIneedtohelpsothankyouandhaveanicedaybye!"
I think... I think I need to just not be alive for a few hours.
.... I'm almost tempted to get a beer or something, but I wouldn't drink it, anyways...
Does your boss know you hung up on a potential customer?
You are rude. I would not patronize this establishment.
Also real bakeries do necrophilia cakes.
2039664 Not even a custome Potentiate. I'm pretty damn sure they either need mental help, or were prank-calling.
Trust me, I left out all the more morbid, NSFW shit he was asking about, as well as my three different tries at asking if he wanted to order a cake. He wasn't interested in our product, not really.
2039691 We've done zombie-cocks before. But he wasn't asking for a sculpture the way we do it... Eugh...
2039717
You're just lazy.
2039723 No, I'm just neither a gravedigger or a murderer.
2039745
Only because you are too lazy to be a MAN
2039755 Hmm... On that, you'd be right.
2039692 But does your boss know? You're dodging the question.
I'm sorry you had to put something like this
A part of my brain died. That was a conversation lobotomy. When that person dies the net intelligence of the world will rise 4 points.
2039807 Aye, my boss knows, and she agrees with me, and actually wondered why I didn't hang up earlier.
2040010 More like six or seven, as this is actually an edited, shortened version of the conversation I had gone through.
2039906 So am I.
2040086
I don't know how you managed a feat like that. If your not a masochist you ought to to put in for sainthood.
2040308 My saintly masochism will inspire the next generation of TPP lords, I'm sure.
2040144 Yup. Yuck it up; my misery is hilarious, I'm sure.
2040323 Your misery wasn't... but that guy's insanity sure as fuck was!
Welll.... i guess that's kinda what you get for being in an industry that involves anything sexual. you have to deal with the strangest people in the world. And have to hear things that will make you hate humanity
2040439 Aye, but for a first time being dipped in the dismally demented dimwits of Denver (and yes, we have Caller ID, so I know it was from Denver), this took the cake, slathered it with cum, and then used the cumcake to rape Pinkie's left nostril.
2040361 Aye, after letting myself fester in the insanity... I find it fairly amusing myself.
2040712
the fuck did I just read
2040712
Upon reading this comment...
I can now only read anything you say...
In an Irish accent.
2040979 Aye, tha' be good, laddie, seein' as I'm Scott-Irish.
2040724 Lots a things, really. Most of 'em unspeakable. Do have sweet dreams t'night.