First Impression Critique - I'm Your Wing - by Metool Bard · 12:06am Mar 28th, 2014
First Impression Critique - I'm Your Wing by Metool Bard
Link to Fimfiction's Writer Guide: http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide
Link to Difference Between Dash and Hyphen: http://www.differencebetween.com/difference-between-dash-and-vs-hyphen/
Link to Dealing with a Chracter's Internal Thoughts: http://www.dailywritingtips.com/dealing-with-a-characters-internal-thoughts/
Link to Swindle (Amazon): http://www.amazon.com/Swindle-Gordon-Korman/dp/0439903459
Date Created: March 27, 2014
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- First Impression -
Beginning with another story, I'm Your Wing by Metool Bard is a short story using the infamous third person past tense perspective. Creating a descriptive description, using proper grammar, and keeping loyal to the third-person past-tense perspective is a thing that this story seems to have down, which is obviously going to be a good sight for any reader who approaches the story. Although it does a good job with the description itself, it still has a few problems though.
For any story, a description is used to give a quick summary of the premis, or plot, of the story as well as not reveal much of the story itself. The description of a story should be a quick overview of the interesting events that happen in the story without spoiling too much for the reader, for there's no interest in reading into something when it's already spoiled.
In the story, the description gives unneeded information of the short story, as in the entire second paragraph and then some. For an example, I'll be using the description of the book Swindle by Gordon Korman straight from Amazon (not because it's a book that would be recommended, but because it's an already popular book), as well as the story's description.
The phrase "I'm your wing" and variations thereof has been used by pegasi since pre-unification times; particularly those that serve in the military. It means: "I've got your back no matter what." Nowadays, few pegasi rally that cry around like the Wonderbolts do. And no Wonderbolt rallies that cry around quite like Misty Fly does.
Whether she's guiding her partner through a difficult maneuver or helping her comrades overcome personal anxieties, Misty Fly is a pony who puts her team first. Her dedication to being a team player above and beyond the call of duty has earned her nicknames such as "The Ideal Wingpony" and "The Wonderbolts' Unofficial Shrink." She considers these nicknames to be badges of honor, and she does her best to live up to them.
But when a stray thunderbolt puts her out of commission, her self-confidence is shaken. She feels as though she let her team (and by extension Spitfire) down. And while the pony she admires most is going through a rough patch, she's confined to a bed and unable to do anything about it. For once, she feels weak. For once, she feels useless. For once, she needs somepony to be her wing.
The description of Swindle makes a clear and quick one-paragraph summary of the entire story from start to end, highlighting interesting events without going into the character's personality so much, since that should most likely be recommended to be done inside the story rather than in the description, nor spoiling.
- Grammar -
Going back into the description for a quick second, "and by extension Spitfire" is written incorrectly, as there should be a comma before Spitfire, since the sentence itself is addressing Spitfire. The golden rule expresses this as well, for "If someone is being addressed in dialogue, a comma should appear before their name." The sentence itself is addressing spitfire as the extension.
For when the characters are thinking to themselves, it is unneeded to use italics to represent their thoughts. Since they are the main character of the book in a third person limited styled story, the only thoughts that are in the story are going be thought of hers.
"Setting off a character’s thoughts in quotation marks is a definite no-no. Such a technique is confusing to the reader. When we see quotation marks, we have the expectation that a character is speaking the words aloud.
Some writers and writer’s guides do use or recommend italics to designate thoughts, but the device is distracting to many readers.
Using a different font would make things worse.
As Suzanne points out, adding to himself to he thought is redundant."
From the same author, here's how to represent thought in a third-person novel:
"Shalah made two more folds in the nappie and placed it on the pile at the end of the ironing board. She walked to the window and checked on her nephews. It seemed a needless thing to do, Rachel thought. They were sleeping like the dead."
Although it is recommended to practice writing dialogue in this format, it's still not required. "In fiction, using italics for thoughts and emphasised words is generally accepted, although some say that even this is bad practice." "The thinking behind this assertion is that words should not need artificial emphasis if a phrase has been written properly, and that thoughts should not be handled like dialogue, but should instead be directly incorporated into narrative in a manner appropriate to the mode used."
The above said could also be said for the sentence "She needs you", as well as the other sentences that use italics. Italics could be used, but are still bad practice for emphasising the words for themselves. A good way to practice would be to emphasise it through the use of language, emotions, as well as actions.
Dashes (–) and hyphens (-) are two completely different things, as the story seems to confuse them as the same. There's also a difference between dashes, of the en dash(–), and the em dash(—).
Ellipses, the tripple dots (...), are something that isn't really recommended to be used in literature, depending on the person recommending it, since it's viewed differently by some people.
"The standard way of representing the ellipsis in electronic media, where we generally have to do without fancy typography and its associated array of different-sized spaces (and non-breaking ones), is the last option. Still, opinions are very divided on the ellipsis, so you can probably get away with whichever style you like best." Although it could be part of a style, it's highly recommended to not overuse them. Replacing some of the ellipses that are used in the story, such as "b-but..." and "So let's...", with an en dash is highly recommended, since the dialogue of the character is being cut off, and not trailing off, which is traditionally what the ellipses would be used for.
- Story -
The story is told from a third-person perspective with Misty Fly as the main character. Misty Fly is concerned that she is not doing her best for her team, which causes her to become worried about her performance. Once she is injured, she knows that she is not able to perform nearly her best, since she cannot fly. The portrayed theme of the story would be to be honest with oneself, for one may not be able to help those who require it. This is a perfectly portrayed theme, as it's one that people would face in a real life situation, as it is one that could even be the main plotline of an actual episode of My Little Pony itself.
This story itself, though portraying a decent theme, has an atrociously confusing story-line, mainly because of the opening untold dream-sequence, as well as the multiple plot holes.
The fact that the opening of the story was not told as a dream made plenty of readers confused the first time of reading the story, mainly because readers who first read the story would think that it is a real life sequence, and not a dream one. The random lightning bolt is a prime example of this, because if a stray cloud had struck someone with lightning in a real scenario in Equestria, then the first thing that the ponies would do is investigate, since someone was harmed. The lack of concern of the lightning bolt made people believe that stray lightning bolts are pretty common in the fanfiction, and that no one cares about them in general.
The random voice inside of Misty Fly's head is also another example of reader confusion, since a character responding to their own thoughts, aloud even, is obivously not normal. Making a character insane by having them respond to their own thoughts is rather silly, unless there is shown progression of insanity of the character, since most people aren't going to respond to their own thoughts aloud.
A way to avoid these confusions is to avoid starting a story with a dream sequence altogether, since without the prior knowledge that the story is a dream, the reader will assume that the story is in a real-life scenario. The story could had started well if it had started in the infirmary scene rather than the dream scene, which would allay plenty of plot holes, because if the story had started with Misty Fly in the infirmary scene, then the readers would know that it was a dream. It would also cause interest for the general reader, since they know that something bad has happened to her already, and that later on in the story, they will find out what had landed Misty Fly in the infirmary.
With the plot holes of the story, what had caused Misty Fly to be in an infirmary? Was it the lighting bolt in the dream, and that the dream itself was a visual memory of what had happened to her? Or was it something other than that?
A lot of questions could be answered if the story had been a quite tad bit longer and focused a little bit more on the small detailed bits, as well as making sure that everything made sense for a general reader. If the story had started before the dream sequence, then that would had answered a ton of questions as well.
- Conclusion -
Breaking the third-person perspective of the critique, I'm not really sure how the story relates to a dark theme. Sure, there is some swearing, but that only makes the story rated teen. There isn't really any progression into insanity, other than Misty Fly talking to herself, but that could also be considered as a climax point of the story.
"Grimdark is for when you want to write a story that’s a few shades darker than the feel of the show." I don't really seem to find anything that indicates that the story itself is "a few shades darker than the feel of the show", which makes me question if this it is really needed to be tagged "Dark".
Personally, I wouldn't recommend this story, since the story itself is far too confusing for the beginning and progression. Although it has a nice wrap up at the end, for any general reader who takes the time to read this story, they would be strongly confused at the pacing of the dream, since they are thinking that is in a real-life sequence. I'm not sure that the story itself takes place during My Little Investigations: Wonderbolts Under Fire, which is listed as a credential in the description of the story, since I have never read the story myself, as well as some of the other readers. Since some people don't have any context from the other story, reading this story would be far too confusing for anyone who hasn't read that story yet, until after finishing this story, or reading Wonderbolts Under Fire prior to reading this story.
I can see why I'm Your Wing would be too esoteric to stand on its own. It really is best experienced if you're familiar with what happened in Wonderbolts Under Fire. And just so you know, the plot holes that you brought up here are addressed in that story. In that sense, I'm Your Wing is simply supplementary material, nothing more.
One thing you seem to be forgetting, however, is that ninety nine percent of the story is a dream. All of this is going on in Misty Fly's head. I make no bones about this (honestly, can you picture Spitfire hitting on her wingpony in the middle of a training session in real life, or a vapor cannon moving when it's supposed to be stationary?), but if it was too subtle, then it was too subtle.
The Dark tag, I feel, can reflect many things, not just a grimdark scenario. It can also reflect a feeling of fear and dread, which is what Misty Fly is going through in the story. It's not overtly dark, but it's darkness nonetheless.
As far as my grammar is concerned, I do admit that my stylistic choices may seem, unconventional. I feel that in the grand scheme of things, this is a matter of personal tastes. Using italics to portray inner thoughts or ellipses (or dashes) to indicate a sentence being cut off is perfectly serviceable in my book. But again, different strokes, different folks.
All the same, I thank you for your candid critique of my story. It was thorough, well-argued, and most importantly, honest. I fully recognize that it's not my best work, but hey, it's possible for good authors to write bad stories. And I'm probably not gonna do anything this esoteric ever again.