How Could This Happen? · 12:31pm Feb 25th, 2014

I'd like to share an experience with you. One that I had about half an hour ago. One that I am lucky to have survived.

> be me
> run out of toilet roll
> don't poop for a few days, as no way to wipe butt at home and public toilets are rarely up to the standards required to crap in
> finally remember to buy butt parchment on the way home from lectures
> stand right by the doors on the metro, ready to hastily get off and get home
> feel excretory salvation approach
> heat +10 degrees C
> short waddle home from the station
> it's going to be a photo finish
> burst into en suite, leaving the bathroom door open for maximum feeling of freedom
> I'm ready
> turd is hard work, a little uncomfortable
> heat +10 degrees C
> remove jumper and toss it aside
> knock knock
> probably a housemate
> 'no'
> bedroom door starts to open
> not the first time a housemate has encroached on my dumping
> 'I said no man, I'm taking a shit'
> 'oh, er, it's, umm, we have a viewing of this property'
> female voice
> heat +10 degrees C
> why me?
> 'oh, yeah, sure, sorry, totally forgot, sorry, just give me five minutes'
> heat in my room suddenly triples
> frantic wiping
> giggling outside the door intensifies
> this is how I die
> pants up, flush
> open bedroom door inwards, taking care to hide behind it as much as possible
> three stunning girls enter, followed by the real estate agent, a beautiful blonde
> personal belongings start to set on fire or melt
> super cute brunette asks if I have an electric heater up here
> 'oh is it warm I hadn't noticed'
> heat is unbearable
> still hid behind the door, sweating profusely, acutely aware of foul stench from the en suite they're now inspecting
> they leave without another word as the toilet water starts to boil
> at least I have somewhere to cook all of this spaghetti now