"Where Have You Been?" and other nonsensical doodads and hootenanies · 11:41pm Feb 10th, 2014
TL;DR and also a convenient organizational outline
1. College
2. Taking care of myself
3. Being lazy
4. Engaging socially with other human beings
If these reasons aren't sufficient (they're certainly not for me) add "is difficult" to the end of those and you might feel a little bit better about them, regardless of whether they are or not (see: my methods of coping).
In order.
1. I'm taking the maximum number of units I can this quarter. Some days I have no work at all. Some weeks, like these last two, I've had midterms and assignments and paper up every hooha I can think of and it leaves me only being able to write in numbered list form. I tried writing some of my stories like that, but I'm afraid they turned out looking a bit too much like the output of an old calculator for my tastes.
2. I started seeing a person/psychiatrist/counselor/your-comforting-term-of-choice whom I can dump my existential problems onto in real life. You might not have noticed, but I hate doing that sort of thing publicly, and even among friends I tend to just let the days pass me by without ever really bringing up that something is bothering me.
3. every single word i type about this just
4. I sometimes feel as if I need to distance myself from trying to make my writing "good," or the laughable alternative, "perfect," and being with other people lets me relax and balance myself emotionally a little bit and other things so that I'm not burdened by said expectations. Sometimes I feel like it's totally a cop out to say that, though.
it's been like a month--i know i don't really have any stories that are very recent, and so it's not like i have a readerbase breathing down my neck or anything, but it feels a little wrong to continue without at least giving you a little bit of insight into what's keeping me. actions should speak louder than words, especially in regards with a relationship like the one i'm in where you all followed me for my work, not for my personal affairs.
i want to be more. i want to write things that people respect. sometimes i feel like i don't want it enough, obviously, since i'm never doing enough about it. maybe that's true. whatever my ambitions, i am certainly my own worst enemy--not that i'm, you know, crippled or debilitated by my own issues, i just let them seem a lot bigger to me than they actually are, i think.
thanks for being here, and for staying with me, if you still are here.
I aint left... and have no plans on doing so
"4. Engaging socially with other human beings"--goodness knows this kills a lot of us.
I'm in a similar boat to you, Id. I try and try and try to further my medium of writing, but with my own set of "stuff" bringing that down, that goal is made next to impossible. Interacting with friends to relax does help ease that feeling of expectation, even if it comes right back not too long after. Robotics, as you are no doubt aware, is essentially my #1 where your #1 was college. #2 is an issue that's been springing up very recently for me and #3 is an issue that has plagued me for a very long time.
But regardless of how quickly you release stuff, or how often we talk on Skype, how often you're online, I'll still be here.
If it means anything, then that respect you mentioned you wanted to earn? You already had mine long ago, and I wouldn't give it up for things that I have problems with myself.
3. every single word I type about this just
Seems like that's the one you feel worst about, but I think you're being too hard on yourself. Lack of productivity doesn't always equate to laziness (it CAN, of course, but I doubt that's the case here) -- I've been having a problem where I just feel completely burned out all the time, and I can't bring myself to type anything most nights. And I think the problem is that I'm actually working harder than I have for a loooong time, so all my energy is gone by the time I come to sit down to write something. The end result being that I feel like I'm not putting the effort in, compared to a few months back when I'd write a thousand words in an evening no problem.
It's hard to find motivation to work on written stuff when your mind is focused on so many other things (and if you're doing the max number of units that's certainly the case!), and then getting upset over the lack of it makes it even worse and then what's even the point because whatever I write is bad anyway and why did people even read it in the first place. Or at least, that's been my experience. When there's less of it, it's much easier to be hyper-critical and paranoid over what I HAVE written.
The only thing I've found is to keep on trucking. Sounds cliche, perhaps, but there's nothing like actually POSTING something to feel... I don't know, validated sounds pretentious. Like it was worth it, I guess. Like the ridiculous number of times I rewrote the same sentence over and over because I hated it was somehow worthwhile because at least one person enjoys it.
More ramblings, maybe, but hopefully there's something there that's useful to you.
I hope you manage to get out of the rut, but don't feel rushed, either. Take your time, and I'm sure that whatever you come out with next (whenever that may be) will be worth it.
Yes, I know the feel
Say no more Idylia we all understand how you, I know I do. Anyway I'm just glad you're back.
I'm Still here, dude! hehe, Take your time, sorry if the email i sent was kinda of bold. It sounds like you have alot on your plate atm, so whenever you feel up to it, you know how to reach me.Also, Things will work out, all ways look to bright side, that's all i can suggest, as i've been were you are, time and patience is all that is need it seems.
But I'm Glad you are back!