New Story!

Allright, I've finished up the first chapter for My Little Pny, and reworked the description for the story. It isn't directly related to the My Little Pony universe yet, so I haven't submitted it to the site, but despite that you can still read over the first chapter.
Any and all criticism would be greatly appreciated.
Also, I'm not entirely sold on the title yet. I think I might go for a better word than "Captivating"
Thanks guys, keep being awesome.

Edit: I have been told that you guys can't see the story on my page, but if you follow this link you should be able to
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/24960/My-Little-Pny%3A-Insanity-is-Captivating