Just some thoughts I would like to share with you all... · 6:25am Jan 31st, 2014
Recent events in my life got me thinking about certain things. I haven't really told anybody anything major about me yet, but that's because I have a problem opening up to people...
So, I decided that I'm gonna tell you all a little bit about me every now and then.
I don't really like to open up about myself because I feel that I'm just burdening other people with my problems. I can't stand being a burden to other people, and talking about my problems makes me feel like I'm just trying to 1-up someone else's tragic past. I don't want to come across as someone who is looking for pity, because I know that there is always someone else with a worse life than me. By that standard, I have no right to complain.
Instead, I'm just gonna talk. You don't have to listen, but I just felt the need to say something.
I let it slip in a thread a few months ago that my father was murdered when I was younger. I know that there are many people out there who have lost both parents, so in reality, I'm lucky to still have my mother...
But that doesn't make the pain of losing him hurt any less.
Time is like a painkiller; it dulls the pain, but eventually the pain resurfaces. I think about it a lot; more often at night than at any other time. I'm sad that he's gone, but the thing that sometimes makes me cry is the fact that he died alone, with no one to be there with him but his killer, and I'm pretty sure that he just left him there to bleed out. To this day, I still don't know exactly where on his body that he was shot...
I'm kind of glad that I don't know; specifications would only make the occasional nightmares worse.
It really hurt; to go from having your father kissing you goodnight, to me basically kissing him goodnight in a casket of a bed two days later. I still remember going to the funeral home, the employees there were friendly, but I suppose that's a trait that comes with working at a place such as that. I remember one of them asking if I would like to see him; I nodded of course.
As they led me into the display room where the funeral would take place, I couldn't help but shed a few tears as I saw the casket. I couldn't exactly see him yet, but I knew that he was in there, and the reality of the situation truly began to set in at that moment.
When I finally did see him, I immediately broke down, openly sobbing at the sight of him. He was wearing the same suit that he wore when he married my mother about two months prior. They were actually together for 14 years, but they decided to make it official the same year that he died, and that just made the whole thing even worse.
As I was looking at his body, I could obviously tell that it was him, but it just didn't really look like him, you know?
His lips were very purple, and his skin was pale. He had his arms folded with a bouquet of roses settled in between them. When the initial shock wore off a little bit, I mustered up the courage to reach out and touch his hands...
They were so cold...
My mother walked up beside me as I stood before my father's half-open casket.
I remember saying these exact words to her.
"He didn't do anything wrong, Mom," I mumbled. "He didn't do anything wrong." There were tears streaming down my face the entire time.
My mother's emotional state was similar to mine. Her voice cracked as she spoke to me. "That's right; he didn't do anything wrong. Don't ever forget that," she said.
...
I'm sorry. I just felt like sharing this with you all. It hurts sometimes, and sometimes I have dreams that he came back, only to wake up and find out that I had been crying in my sleep.
I can't believe I wrote this... I'm usually never so open about things like this...
Oh well.
Wow, must've really been rough..
Now you have me tears
wanna hug?
1777739 It was pretty rough, but I try not to let it get to me. I just had one of those dreams about it last night, so I suppose that's what influenced me to write this.
1777746 I suppose hugs make things a little bit better huh?
That hit me hard, I can't imagine what it must have been like for you. Your fathers killer was a very selfish man, to take him away from you and your mom. I hope he got what he deserved.
1777750 Yeah, dreams can be a powerful influence sometimes.
1777753
Yes it does.
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1777758 He doesn't deserve pain or suffering, he deserves help. Any human that can murder another human being with no problem is not in it's right mind.
1777758 I don't know what happened to him. He was never caught, and it's been almost eight years since it happened...
1777765 Thanks, buddy.
1777771
No problem, I'm always here for you buddy
1777768 He deserves to die, for what he did
1777769 That is awful... the fact that he could be inflicting the same pain on other families, is just horrible
1777779 No he doesn't, no human deserves to die, that's foolish. We need to do is study him, and find out what is causing him to be a murderer, and then stop whatever it is so no more humans will be murderers.
1777779 Maybe karma will get him. I'm not a big believer in it, but that's pretty much a last resort at this point.
1777788 I hope it does get him, that or the guilt he feels is unbearable.
1777779 Get what I mean?
1777805 Yea I understand, but I still hope something not great happens to him, death isn't enough of a punishment for him.
1777812 He doesn't deserve a punishment, it's not his fault he did what he did.
1777815 if that's what you think then okay
1777855 I just think that this person was far from human.
1777862 I agree
1777869 Because, when you're insane, you don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore, so you really can't get a grasp on reality.
1777872 Insanity is effectively losing perception on life, I once heard someone say that insanity was like doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Which although may be less mortifying, it still means they basically lost there perception on how the world works.
1777888 Exactly, this is why it weren't his fault, we need to go to the source of insanity, and stop it cold so no human can ever become insane.
I can't say I know how that feels. I can say I feel for you.
I really can't say that I know how you feel. I've only been to, I think, two funerals for family members that I knew; my Great uncle and my mom's dad. I don't really remember my Grandfather, I was pretty young at the time, and I wasn't around my Great uncle a lot, so I can not claim to know how you feel, or even close to that, but I do know that it hurts, and I would honestly hug you right now, if I could.
1781142 Internet hugz are always a good substitute.
1781273
you also get a Derpy face 6␣9
Cool, in that case, -internet hug-
1781280 Thanks.
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1781289
That's awesome. I really need to start watching DW, but I want to start with the original series, which is, or course, hard to find.
1781300 It's hard to find anything original anymore.
1781326
Yeah
This has hit my feels harder than any fanfiction on this site.
I love you senpai <3
2256580 I'm surprised anyone even paid attention to this thing I scribbled out after a dream one night. I just felt the need to write this out after I had that dream....
Thank you for your kind words...
And B-baka? I love you, too.