Hooves Holding Hearts Edit · 9:05pm Jan 27th, 2014
So, I changed a scene in chapter four. I changed it because it didn't work, and others complained with a reasonable point.
It happens near the end of the chapter.
Spoilers ahead.
I mean, really spoilers.
If you haven;t read the chapter, it kind of ruins the punch to know this...
Ready.
So, when John is confronting the father....
“You go back inside, and you thank her and the other one and ask those questions, or...” John scratched his mane and leaned in.
"Tell me if you've heard this one..."
"There's a pony," he started, "that keeps order. This pony makes sure good things come to the deserving, and that bad things arrive in spades to others. This pony keeps the unjust in anticipation of what they deserve, and ensures that the world flows on as it should, piece by piece. Your little world runs because this pony keeps it running." His mouth was nearly at the father's ear now. "Do you know what they call this pony?"
The shaking of the father's head was more like a vibration.
"They call her," John whispered, "the Mailmare. She's the best friend of the crying mare who's heart just snapped." He patted the shaking stallion on the shoulder. "Let's face it, having the mailmare as an enemy is bad enough when you haven't been declared legally dead for months and have legal and financial paperwork on its way."
He smiled, and the father flinched.
“Uh. Uh. Okay.” Terrified, the father stepped backwards."I'll get r-r-right on that."
“Great!” John spoke with relief reached his mouth into his saddlebag and pulled out a napkin and a pen. “Take notes! Make sure she sees you taking notes.” His smiled stayed for a second too long. “Make sure I see her see you taking those notes.”
Sooooooooo....
This takes the chapter back towards the comedic-dramatic life of the Choices girls territory and less obligatory crossover. One one hoof, yes, many of my readers love John yelling at people. On the other hand, it's now something perfectly rational that the town repairman would say. You could have it either way.
Thanks go to ankyo and RK_Striker_JK_5.
Damn, Derpy's got some serious power, don't she?
I prefer the previous version... It was more... meaningful?
*Reads* Okay, that was good.
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My problem was, I realized a new reader would have no reason to find John capable of being scary. I needed something that worked if this was the only story of mine they ever read.
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This is the only one of your stories I've ever read...
1765707 Wow! I was doing better than I thought, then! Glad to have you.
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Pfft
It's an interesting situation. I am familiar enough with the Dazeverse that seeing John Doo Smith being mister oncoming storm just seems natural now. Thing is, the 'verse feels it's at a point where everything is established enough now that it seems silly to adjust things in such a way. The Doctor does tend to overshadow anything he winds up in. It's a part of his character, and he has already cast a very long shadow over the Dazeverse.
Now, I kinda do like this way better. It actually fits John's character in the 'verse better, given how his esteem for his wife, and it fits the stories tone better. But John is here, and he is The Doctor and there isn't any real point being afraid of that when writing him.
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To the stories list!
I liked John yelling at him.
I was sad that they lost snooze but who know what the future holds.
You still do a good job and I like the story a lot.
it really like what you are doing
good luck
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I'll be honest, I liked it better the first way... and there was a reference in there?
Hmm. Perhaps a balance needs to be struck...
I prefer the original. Not because it reminds me of the Doctor, which it does... But because of who I am. I am an uncle seven times over and a great uncle to boot. I'm an expectant father. My day job is field service repair. I fix machines. I drink like a fish but play like a child. The only time anyone takes me seriously is when my voice drops, when I become angry, truly angry. My best friend is the same. The most laid back, kind and generally calm soul you could ever meet. He's a bi odd and speaks almost entirely in non sequiturs. When that steel enters his voice though... I've seen entire parties become silent solely so that tiny terrifying man could be understood clearly.
The outburst as it was originally written reminds me more or my friends and family than the doc. I like it more because anyone, nay, everyone can tell you, the big loud guy with all the muscles isn't the one you need to fear. The odd little short guy who carries himself a little too straight and speaks a little strangely.... He's the one to fear. The original outburst was that little guy. The current one? Not so much...
Also.... I feel that it's worth noting that the original... The original had me audibly cheering. I woke up my entire household... The new one, barely had me snicker. I do not typically feel the need to leap from my seat like a spastic fan at a baseball game from a piece of fan fiction.... Hell. I've read religious holy books that didn't have near that effect one me. Move your audience. Don't let them move you. If you made the change because you felt it was necessary, keep it. If it was for your readers... Keep the original. Yes... You might upset your fans... But... You know who else does that all the time? Moffat. Whedon. Yet those who know their names hail them as the best...
Alfred, I mean Silversales, you're a genius. I now have the polish to make the whole thing hang together.
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Okay, I'm happy now. I needed John yelling, but not pulling the overt "I'm the Doctor" card to be lazy with the motivation. Silverscales made an offhand word use that made everything click. I now have the exact motivation that justifies the yelling. I think I'm adding this and leaving it that way. It stays within HHH power levels and allows John to strut his stuff.
"
Nodding amiably, John hooked his forelimb around the poor pony's neck in camaraderie as he grinned like a manticore at a relay race of asthmatic prey animals. "I have a title too." He gave a thousand-yard stare from a distance of three inches. "It's an older title than 'mailmare'. It means, alternately, things like 'teacher,' 'guardian,' 'protector,' and 'avenger.' Would you," he said as he dropped his voice to a whisper, "want to know my title?"
Looking into John's eyes, he vaguely wished for the memory moss to return.
"My title is 'Uncle.' The mares you just turned your back on bestowed it on me, and you will go back inside, thank them, and ask those questions, or I will be the face burned into your eyes when you close them for the rest of your life.”
There was a pause.
"I'll get r-r-right on that."
“Great!” John spoke with relief reached his mouth into his saddlebag and pulled out a napkin and a pen. “Take notes! Make sure she sees you taking notes.” His smiled stayed for a second too long. “Make sure I see her see you taking those notes.”
The father obediently turned around and galloped back into the house."
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Glad to be of help. :D I can honestly say.... When I read your retweak... I did not expect, "Uncle" to be the word... Though now that I think on it... It makes perfect sense. My uncle was one of the most awesome, awkward, funny, energetic, and if pushed, terrifying individuals I've ever seen. Lol. Uncle fits such a speech well. :)
1766368 Glad I could help in any way, thank you
This was even beter than the original scen, and I already liked the original scen!
Wow. You took what was already an utterly, amazingly heart-rending scene and made it even more so o_o