Fic Reviews (A Bum Reviews Parody): Past Sins · 4:07am Dec 15th, 2013
And now it’s time for Fic Reviews, with the Hobrony.
Tonight’s review… Past Sins.
OOOHHHH MY GOD, this is the GREATEST FIC I’ve ever read in my life!
There’s this cult, called the Children of Nightmare, and they wanna bring Nightmare Moon back to life so she can take over Equestria! So they get Nightmare Moon’s swag and kidnap Twilight Sparkle!
I was kidnapped by a cult, once!!
Tom Cruise was there, for some reason.
But before they can complete the ritual, Celestia and her guards arrive to save the day!
And Celestia’s like, “Did you capture the cult?”
“...no.”
“What?”
“We didn’t catch a single cultist, actually.”
“There must have been like thirty of them, you’re telling me you didn’t catch a single one?”
“They used magic to escape!”
“We use magic all the time, we don’t have a spell that can tell us who these cultists were?”
“If we do, I didn’t see you use it to tell if your niece was being impersonated by Chrysalis.”
“Ouch.”
So Twilight goes home but realizes she left her books in the Everfree Forest, so she goes out, by herself, to the place where her kidnappers brought her, only telling Spike where she was going, and to have him call Celestia only if she didn’t come back in three hours…
Wait, isn’t she supposed to be the smart one?
But she finds a little alicorn filly in the bushes.
And Twilight’s like, “Wow, you look exactly like a baby version of Nightmare Moon!
...I’m gonna take you home.”
HOORAY!
So the filly named Nyx starts living with Twilight, but she turns out to be a total Mary Sue and--
*incoherent whispering from off screen* What’s that? Oh, look, a new script…
...She’s quiet, shy, timid and… Are you sure we’re not just making Fluttershy 2.0 here?
So Twilight takes Nyx to Rarity and is like, “I need you to make some clothes for Nyx!”
“Shouldn’t you tell Celestia about her?”
“I’m scared she’ll send Nyx to the moon!”
“You were her private student for years, shouldn’t you know if Celestia would give Nyx a chance?”
“LOOK AT HOW CUTE NYX IS!”
“Awwwww…” “Awwwww…”
So Nyx starts going to school and becomes a Cutie Mark Crusader, but then Diamond Tiara plans to pull a prank on her!
“Let’s trick her into going into the Everfree Forest…”
“Why?”
“Because she’s a Mary Sue!”
“Didn’t you catch the new script?”
“What?”
So Nyx gets lost in the Everfree Forest and finds the ruined castle, and she remembers being Nightmare Moon!
“You’ve taken your eye off the ball…”
So Twilight realizes that Nyx is definitely Nightmare Moon, only a complete blank slate.
…You’re just figuring that out now?!
So Twilight’s like, “I think I need to send a letter to Princess Celestia…”
“Hello, my dear student!”
“Son of a...”
So Celestia wants to take Nyx to Canterlot to see if she’s Nightmare Moon pulling an overly elaborate hoax that’s been taking the past several months to follow through, and she’s like, “Twilight, you will choose between Nyx and your loyalty to Equestria-- agh, crap, new script, right. Um… FEELS!”
And the reader is like, “FEEEEEELLLLLS!”
So Celestia brings Nyx to Canterlot, but she doesn’t know that the pony she’s going to is actually the leader of the Children of Nightmare!
“So where do you want Nyx, Spell Nexus?”
“Just put her right in the middle of this evil-looking ritual site!”
“Okay, I’ll just move all these skulls out of the way.”
“If I had fingers, I’d be steepling them right now.”
So the Cult turns Nyx into Nightmare Moon, and she vows to cover Equestria in eternal night!
I was in eternal night once!
Then a few hours later I realized my hat was just pulled over my eyes.
So Nyxmare Moon beats up Celestia and Luna!
And Luna’s like, “You’ll be haunted by your past, Nightmare Moon.”
“Will I be doing it while ruling the world?”
“...Yes?”
“I think I’ll manage.” *PUNCH*
So Nyxmare Moon rules over Equestria with an iron hoof, keeping Twilight and the Cutie Mark Crusaders in the dungeon, but she starts feeling bad after being so loved as a filly.
So she puts the sun and moon back on their regular schedule in hopes of making the ponies happy.
“Now they’ll know that Nightmare Moon is more than capable of--”
“HOORAY! CELESTIA AND LUNA ARE BACK!”
“You motherfu--”
But Spell Nexus is pissed that Nyxmare Moon isn’t a complete tyrant, and decides to hypnotize Twilight into trying to kill her!
Wait, so, out of your undying love and devotion to Nightmare Moon, you put her life at risk in an attempt to make her really sad?
...BRILLIANT!!
So Twilight is stopped and nearly hanged, but Nyx saves her and brings her to the Everfree Forest and tries to find out how Nexus hypnotized her.
“Wow, there’s an evil presence that could do a lot of serious damage to you, even kill you if I’m not careful--” *RIIIIIIP*
“I’m back to normal now.”
HOORAY!
So Nyx removes the evil blessing from all of the Children of Nightmare and lives by herself in the castle, but she doesn’t wanna let Celestia and Luna out because she doesn’t want to go back to the moon.
But then a bunch of evil animals attack Ponyville and Nyx fights to save the ponies!
And BOOOYYY is it awesome!!
And Nyx is like, “Pew pew pew pew pew!!”
And Rainbow Dash is like, “Nyyyeeeooooowwwww!!!”
And the Hulk is like, “Puny god!”
But Nyx is badly hurt and nearly dies, so Twilight needs ponies to help her!
“Come on! Help me save the life of one of Equestria’s darkest archetypes and the one who banished our princesses to the sun and moon!”
“I don’t think we should…”
“BOOOO!” “BOOOO!” “BOOOO!” “BOOOO!”
So Celestia and Luna return, Nyx is turned back into a filly, she’s allowed to live with Twilight, and everypony lives happily ever after!
And I’m like, “Didn’t this story have a ‘Sad’ tag? ...And a ‘Dark’ tag, for that matter? ‘cause nopony died during this story and…”
And Pen Stroke is like, “LOOK HOW CUTE NYX IS!!”
“Awwwww…” “Awwwww…”
So Past Sins so good they made it into a legit book!
...They make books out of fanfiction? Don't get me wrong, if there's a fic that deserves such recognition, it's Past Sins, but what'll they make into a full paperback next? Used toilet paper?
‘Cause that’d be AWESOME! I have a story I’m gonna get started on right now!
It’s called ‘Equestria Girls.’
This is the Hobrony saying, BIIIIITS! YOU GOT BIIITS?! Aw, c’mon, help a guy out, would ya? Come on, bits!
Hey, if somepony ponynaps Nyx, does that mean they ‘nicked Nyx’?
This is a parody of Bum Reviews by That Guy With The Glasses. All jokes made are all in good fun. Please don't stab me, Pen Stroke.
This was just a silly little something I came up with. One of those things that haunts your mind until you put it on paper.
This site needs more Bum Review parodies. Awesome work here, dude.