Emofagginess inbound, returning to my works has been delayed due to the following... · 10:44pm Dec 2nd, 2013
Now, I warn you, please do not read this if you're going to;
A. Tell me to get the fuck over myself
B. Tell my life isn't that bad
C. Try and say your life is worse.
Why?
Because I know I need to do option A, that option B is truth, and I'm the cause of most of my problems, and with C....well, I really don't want to hear your shit, because I'm a selfish motherfucker.
Let's do dis.
I'm only putting this here as a place to vent.
As a side thought/question,
I wonder if grimdark/gore is still ridiculed? I have some pretty nice ideas....or at least, I think I do. I just need to find the time to get them down on paper.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am so fucking tired.
So /fucking/ tired.
Of this bullshit. If there was a God, he has put upon me a minor curse of Cain, who was doomed to wander. No matter where I am, I feel out of place. I have no group of friends, and kind of drift and try to avoid any social situations that would occur. To top it off, I hear people say shit about me. Not often, mind you, but enough to where it's worrisome to me. Calling me, and I quote five people here, a tumor who won't go away. See, whenever someone says it to my face, I either act like I don't care, or I genuinely don't care. There are two exceptions to the latter; if the person saying it was a "friend" at one point, or if they'd let me on to think they could've become a friend.
The fault goes both ways. I'm flamboyant, that's no secret, but it tends to make people dislike me. It makes it so I can't merge into groups, partly because of my personality, partly because of that fucking insecure feeling I get when I join a group that's been the same way for months and/or years.
The internet is where I'm worth something. There have been a grand total of 3 people that I've met that were my internet friends, and those people gradually grew to dislike me. This causes so much cynicism it's ridiculous. I want to see all my online friends, so bad it makes my heart hurt like hell. On the other hand, I'm overridden with fear. History has repeated itself countless times over, what's to say this time'll be any different?
Suicide keeps streaking across my mind. It'd be so easy, I could plan it out so I don't fail. But there's an industrial-sized, metaphorical chain blocking it. That being the friends I've made online. I can't leave them, but it hurts more and more living in this hell. Semester's coming to an end, and my teachers have made it clear they won't accept my late work. I have just successfully failed every single class for my first semester. Meanwhile, my brother's getting a fucking PhD in philosophy, my only reality friend left has already been accepted to his dream school with a 4.2 GPA, and I'm sitting here, doing jack shit with my life. I'm going to coast it. My parents said if I fail, I lose all internet and phone access. If I suddenly disappear, it's because of that.
I'm sick of this life, and I feel like it's got me by the balls, and I can't seem to do anything about it. My parents /still/ refuse to help their "faggot" and "disgraceful" son.
I'm happy I met every one of you. If something happens, I love you. I'll try the hardest that I can to come back, but it may not happen.
" There have been a grand total of 3 people that I've met that were my internet friends, and those people gradually grew to dislike me."
dafaq you talking about?
1565982
I meant to rewrite that.
I've met three of my internet friends in reality.
Like, scheduled to meet up with them
and
yeah
shit didn't go well
1566000
Ah that makes more sense.
And sucks.
1566000 Grif, if I can scrape up the cash soon, I can drag you out here after I move to Prescott. You can crash with us, and if your parents do hate you, my mother won't. All of my friends, no matter the distance, are welcome.
I will fly you out to live with us if I have to.
Aw, dude, I know that feel! As much as I love socializing and chatting with other ponies in enthusiastic glee over the internet, human life is totally different! I nearly killed myself a few days back, but what stopped me was the thought of my friends over the internet and my religion! Atheism is a religion, right? Anyway, I lost God, but realized this was for the best, because if there is no afterlife of any kind, than that means there's literally nothing; no thought, no emotion. If that were to happen, then I technically would have died terribly sad and remained that way to all who know me, but the truth is, I want to be happy, I want people to be my friends, I just can't seem to stop purposefully avoiding other beings! I know you and I aren't super close friends, or anywhere near that, but I'm glad we relate in some way!
As horrible as it sounds, I enjoy reading about other ponies who are in the same position as me; alone and depressed, because it makes me feel like I'm not alone after all! Being a teenager sucks, what with all the adults and younger children making fun of you for new-found growth, changing, and confusion, especially when one's separated from the only others that can relate, those of the same age group! I'm called stupid by so many humans of all ages, it really hurts, but I know somepony like me is experiencing it also, so maybe I'm not the only one like me! I'm not going to tell you to stop feeling pity for yourself or anything, especially since I sometimes love to just lie in bed and cry over my life, I'd just like to let you know that... gah, I'm trying not to phrase it so it sounds cliché! Whatever, I'd like you to know that "you're not alone." Pfft, ever heard somepony say that before?
As a side note, I'll bet you've had it worse than I have, whatever it may be, so know that I'm not making comparisons between our lives to say that my life is any worse than yours, 'cause I doubt it is! Also, sounds hard having to go through berating for your sexuality! My parents don't know about my ex-boyfriend, but if they did, I'm sure things would only get worse! Oh, sweet, I wrote a bunch of stuff! I love it when I ramble, it makes me feel like I'm better at talking than I really am!
Hey, I hope things are going better for you! Sorry if I was one of those three people, I'm not super good at being social and I used to (still do, but not very much lately) lose friends because of it. I do want to be friends with you, though. I hope that I'll see you at ERA after this summer. c: