A mythology lesson · 12:49pm Sep 26th, 2013
DO YOU GUYS GET IT? OVERCOMING! BECAUSE IT CONTAINS THE WORD COME AND—Oh, nevermind.
So I write a story and that means I get to write a blog post, right? That's what that means? Good. I suppose I should talk about Overcoming Rainbow Dash, but that conversation really has to take the shape of two other, equally related conversations mashed into one. They are, of course, anime porn and Egyptian mythology.
I fucking hate Egyptian mythology. The language generally doesn't translate well, the pantheon is a circus, and so many of our fragments are fucking spells. Fucking spells, goddamnit. They read like cookbooks that have been put through the gauntlet of Google translate and also happen to be total bullshit. Oh and also the period stretches way too long and the different ages get super confusing etc etc.
Anyway, my favorite Egyptian myth is—you guessed it—The Contendings of Horus and Seth. For those of you who need a rough brush-up, it's the one where Horus and Seth compete for the right to succeed Osiris as king. Horus is the main guy whom the audience is supposed to root for and Seth is the baddie.
[Sort of. I will not go so far as to say "Seth is the devil-god of Egypt!" because that is absolutely fucking retarded and certain famous Egyptologists who will not be named should never have said that clearly fucking retarded thing, fuck.]
Anyway, they have a semen fight. That's right—a semen fight.
So one night Horus lies down and Seth jerks himself off until he's got a raging hardon then thigh-fucks Horus and jizzes all over him. Horus goes to Isis and is like "Mom, look, Seth jizzed all over my hands!"
Isis chops his hands off, oils up his shaft, then jerks him off into a kettle. She goes to Seth's gardener and asks what veggies Seth prefers and finds out that it's lettuce.
[This is fortuitous, because back in the day lettuce was not like it is today. The leaves, when broken, would leak a milky white fluid similar to what kids call milkweed.]
So Isis put her son's cum all over the lettuce and Seth eats the lettuce and he becomes "pregnant". And then Seth is like "Hey Horus lets go get judged by the other gods." And Horus is presumably like, "I have no hands but sure."
Whilst at the tribunal in the presence of the Great Ennead, Seth is all "I totally fucked Horus yo," and everyone else is like "Horus man what the fuck that's gross." But Horus's hands were chopped off so when Thoth calls to Seth's jizz it's way off in the fucking marsh where Isis put it. But when he calls to Horus's semen it's in Seth, and the semen says, "I'm in Seth, how do you want me to come out?"
Thoth goes, "I don't know man just come out his ear."
And the semen says, "Really? I mean I'm divine seed and everything, but whatever, I guess that doesn't—"
"Fine whatever come out the top of his head." The semen does and Thoth used it for a new crown.
This is a dramatic reversal. The Ennead collectively looks at Horus and asks, "No homo?"
Horus nods and lights up a joint. "No homo."
And so Horus wins. This story is 91% true.
What else? Right, I watched a bunch of anime porn, and I can honestly say:
What the fuck? At one point character A is molesting the girl who showed up to the mall on the back of a manticore with her twenty robot hands, and the next minute she's being molested in turn by the invisible woman who showed up with a mind control gun. Their tits are the size of DK-mode heads and when you stimulate their nipples enough, they forcefully lactate.
And I just, I know it's anime porn and it's supposed to be crazy, but I wasn't prepared for this. The last anime I watched was Inuyasha on YTV, and you can be damned fucking sure it didn't contain any weaponized lactation.
So what I've come to love about anime porn is that it's fucking insane. The budgets are low and the translations are bad, the writers just don't seem to give any fucks whatsoever. Anime porn is its own bad fanfiction, and this makes it fun as hell. Fuck tissues and Vaseline, gentlemen, I'll watch that shit with popcorn and laugh my ass off the whole time.
But the one thing I found to truly shine in the grand expanse of san-on-san action were the gangbangs. Truly, hentai likes nothing more than turning a girl into an all-ends dick receptacle. I saw one where a girl went to school and got gangbanged on the trainride there, then got gangbanged in the locker, then went home and reflected on how she'd been gangbanged while the audience was treated to the exact same footage from earlier, just under a layer of flashback fog. There was another where a guy became a girl and got addicted to gangbangs, then pregnant, then pregnantly gangbanged.
And it just seemed insane to me that the entire viewership is expected to come in with this incredibly high amount of buy-in; that is that we're all expected to watch some skinny, sixteen year old pale girl (Why are they all white? Why?) take so much burly man-dick and not fucking die.
And above all else was the semen. Does everyone secretly wish that they could produce a half gallon of jizz that will violently spray out the edges of her apparently adamantine asshole as they lubelessly destroy her? My favorite is the stock shot where all 4/6/11 guys pull out and we are treated to a pan over her limp and helpless body as they cum in a synchronized chain, starting from the bottom and ending with the top.
And then they all just keep fucking the shit out of her. Two, three, four male orgasms in a row? Whatever, man, we're cartoons and we'll use our Herculine jizz-geyser penises to fight fires if we really need to. Not to mention the girls are so good at giving blind handjobs that they'll come three times in five minutes.
Now I understand that porn is unrealistic—and I like porn unrealistic. If I wanted realistic porn, I'd invest in a pair of binoculars or go have sex myself (Aha, ahaha.)
I mean we all know that the truth is semen is actually kind of gross. It tastes bad (usually), it feels bad (also varies), and if you get it in your eye, you're gonna have a bad time. Yet time and time again I see a girl moaning in 'ecstasy' as a man jerks off onto her breasts.
So I said fuck it, the market exists and so I'm going to write my own super crazy semen gangbang porn, and it's going to be exactly as ridiculous as I want it to be. After all, this is fucking fanfiction, and if I can write a story where Pikachu has a threesome with two Dittos I can write anything I fucking-well-please. I can have Twilight Sparkle grow a second head and blow genderswapped Luna and Celestia while they're all on stilts. I can have Pinkie Pie tentacle-fuck the teapot from Beauty and the Beast. I can make Rarity's vulva act as a supermagnet and—
Shit, I gotta write these down.
Yeah okay. This was great, start to finish. It's like it's impossible to make this shit up.
Except someone already DID. Mind blown.
This is the best blog post I have read in weeks.
And that story was one hell of a way to announce your return. Welcome back, dood.
Speak for yourself, I think semen is delicious and feels great. Plus it's an antidepressant! I love the smell of it too.
That Egyptian mythology story though, that was pretty spectacular.
You should probably put the NSFW tag if you are going discuss these topics. Just saying. Now more Dark Apprentice, stat!
Egyptian mythology is indeed a crazy ass clusterfuck.
the semen points are also quite valid although diet and fluidic intake can make the taste barable if not pleasant,along with making the consistency easier to deal with.
as far as my experience goes i have been with a number of women who enjoy taking. multiples but it is a minority.my wife for one.
jesus why am i writing this, no one wants to hear this shit.
ahh fuck it its done so im posting it.
great story by the way, welcome back.
Perhaps I gave you too much credit when I said you were clearly trying to do something more than just gratuitous porn.
Still really solid porn though, so I suppose you accomplished your true goal after all. Kudos on that.
And yes, we DO all wish we could cum in massive geysers thrice in five minutes, where have you been all this time?
--CG
"we'll use our Herculine jizz-geyser penises to fight fires if we really need to"
oh my god, I can't breathe. that line is amazing.
thank you for trowing all the crazy out there. it was refreshing to have people call out the bullshit and laugh on its absurdity. I agree that its meant to be that way.
You are the most hilarious thing I have ever seen/heard/smelled/touched/tasted/sensed. Perhaps you should try your hand at writing straight-up comedies. Just a stray thought.
Come Hither, where the buck is my porn?
I'm afraid you aren't coming back, and you've canceled the fic I was reading. I was rather enjoying the dark apprentice; I liked the variety of Luna's portfolio. TK is not anywhere near enough. That was a fun notion.
Even that aside, I hope you make more blog posts. I won't hold my breath, but damn.... we could use a healthy dose of crazy.