Site Post » Reviews Round 24 · 11:16pm Jul 27th, 2013
There were three of them. Three men on a mission. A mission of extreme prejudice.
The jungle welcomed them, as it did all beasts. It swayed and parted, drawing them deeper into the darkness. The jungle loved its predators, and so it loved these three, dressed as they were for war. The trio was deathly quiet, save for the rattling of helmet straps or the clacking of keyboards as they surfed the web on their laptops.
“You know, it’s pretty amazing that we get Wi-Fi out here,” said Razgriz, looking up at the shadowed boughs. “Even if it’s only a couple bars.”
“A couple bars… That takes me back,” said Belligerent Sock, munching on his stereotypical cigar.
“To when?” asked Corejo, his eyebrow cocked.
“Last Wednesday.”
“What happened last Wednesday?”
“Have you seen The Pacific?”
“Uh…”
“Imagine that, but with socks.”
Corejo blinked. “I’m not sure I can.”
“Just to remind you guys,” said Razgriz, “We’re here to review, so keep your eyes peeled. Be serious.”
“Hey, I’m being perfectly serious here!” Belligerent Sock motioned to the asparagus strapped to his helmet. “You see my serious camouflage?”
“Heads up,” Corejo warned, dropping into a low crouch. “We’ve got contact.”
The others fell into cover, vanishing among the low shrubs or behind trees, as the enemy came upon them. They came like ghosts from the underworld—three stories, striding through the undergrowth, tall and proud. The jungle itself went quiet at their passing, as if anticipating the imminent tumult.
Fingers braced on keyboards. Sweat beaded on furrowed brows. And with fiery passion and brazen masculinity, the order was given.
“OPEN FI—Uh, I mean—COMMENCE REVIEWS!”
ROUND 24
STORY 1
Everypony Dies, by a3V
FAILURE TO SPELLCHECK WILL BE PUNISHED BY DEATH!
Typos are serious business. Seriously, it could cost you up to $80 million should you fail to proofread what you’ve written. I’m not talking about fines from the Grammar Police here, I’m talking about scenarios like how one absent drop of ink cost NASA a space probe (true story). Or how a missing umlaut led to the Great Sock Insult War of 1489 (very true story).
Yes, in this fic, orthography has come to forcefully bite Ponyville in its colorful posterior. And it leaves marks. It’s a row of dominoes: one tiny mistake ushers in a massive amount of destruction—hilarious destruction, like an explosion made of proofreaders’ marks. Panic, mayhem, and pandemonium ensue, all thanks to one little spelling error.
At the center of this vortex is Pinkie, of course, and I’m happy to report that she actually manages to stay in-character throughout—the signature randomness is there, but not overbearing, and with some cartoonish antics that literally soar. Each scene is punctuated by a perfectly-timed bit of comedy, and the denouement of the whole affair hits with a force of cataclysmic proportions.
The way Pinkie interacts with her friends, and how that only compounds the problem, is where most of the humor comes from. It’s like being on a rollercoaster—you can see exactly where it’s going, and how it’s going to involve screaming, but that only makes the ride better. Every opportunity for the problem to be resolved simply is swept aside by the march of humor, building to a climax that I won’t dare spoil. Rest assured, simply resolving the typo does not solve everything.
So, keep it in mind as you read—anything you write can carry considerable consequences. You have a duty to your fellow man to ensure you are precise in your writing. You understand? I’d better not see one lick of improper spelling in the comments! I will find you.
Homophones. How do they work? —Author’s note
Oh, fandom, never cease to amaze me with your imagination.
I’ve seen misspellings accidentally happen in fics, some of which ended up being funny in context. It’s also happened in my own, much to the amusement of myself and my reviewers. We share laughs, fix the problem, and get on with our lives. But what if that little mistake made you think you were going to die later that day?
This story, brought to us by a3V, is a comedic exaggeration of coincidental misspelling gone wrong. It’s all right there in the synopsis: Rarity is holding a dyeing competition one day, and Pinkie Pie is more than excited to help advertise. But what she doesn’t know is that she misspelled ‘dyes’. And this is where the story derives pretty much of its humor.
a3V does a brilliant job writing Pinkie Pie. From her zany attitude to her digressive thought processes, she’s believable through and through—something you don’t see too often in fanfiction. Add to this the idea of her parading around Ponyville telling everypony about a “dying competition” and you have a clear picture of why this is so funny. And the ending was quite different than I had expected, which is a good thing.
If there was one thing I’d say against this fic, it would be that I wish a3V would have kept a stronger limited perspective, as the way he spelled out a few of the funny bits dulled their impact. But don’t let that stop you from reading this. You don’t find Pinkie Pie one shots this good very often.
Sometimes the smallest mistakes are what create the most profound impacts in the world. They can be things like losing the launch codes to a nuclear missile, forgetting to delete your internet history when your sister asks to use the computer, or in the case of Everypony Dies, a simple misspelling. For Pinkie Pie, not knowing what a homophone is is probably the worst thing anyone can imagine.
This comedy is built entirely on the classic idea of misconception and goes about it wonderfully. Rarity is hosting a cloth-dyeing competition, where ponies come in from all around town to dye some cloth. It sounds simple enough. Well, except for the fact she asked Pinkie Pie to promote the event, and that Pinkie Pie apparently doesn’t know how to spell the word “dyes.” Instead of being perceived as the advertiser she set out to be, the townsfolk interpret her as a herald of the apocalypse and shenanigans rightfully ensue.
Everypony Dies is composed of one perfectly timed and executed joke right after the other. Unlike other comedies that get their value from fast-paced insanity that at times is difficult to follow, making the ability to consistently evoke amusement and even laughter from the reader without being so short with the action is its strongest point. Pinkie’s complete bewilderment to everypony’s panicked reactions, along with said ponies trying their damndest to make light of the situation, only works to sell the story further.
Perhaps the story goes on for a little more than it needs to, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I think that not relying on speed is what makes a good comedy stronger after all. My one big issue with the story, however, is the ending. While it does work, the abruptness and cliché nature of it might be off-putting to some. There are a few grammatical errors too, but they’re sparse and incredibly minor. Yet even with these faults, they are greatly outweighed by the wonderful pace and sheer enjoyment the story brings from reading.
This is a simple story with a simple idea, and being able to consistently deliver humor without forcefully shoving it down the reader’s throat is something it excels at. Those searching for something with a deeper meaning might want to look elsewhere, but those who are interested in having a good laugh will find much of it here.
WHEN BUILDING WORLDS ANEW, NEVER FORGET WHAT’S DEAR TO YOU!
Like your average sock drawer, one of the things that makes the world of Equestria so much fun is its sheer capacity for stuff to happen. Every element in the series, from characters to entire species, is fodder for exploration. You can pull out a sock from the drawer at random and, with a few dashes of color or added buttons, have something entirely different from what you first expected.
It seems we keep paying lip service to the World-Building Alliance. This is hardly coincidence, because a lot of their stuff is so darn interesting. Take this fic, for example. This one takes a stab on two different fronts, tackling both world-building and origin story at once. It combines character-focused drama with culture creation, and it does so quite well.
Yes, this fic deals with both Iron Will and minotaurs in general. We are transported to the scene of one of his childhood traumas (always fun), and with this frame in place, we get a picture of what makes his species tick. They’re a warrior culture, of course, but what’s interesting is that they seem to be in a constant battle to hold onto that.
We get only hints, but that’s all that’s necessary, and indeed, proper; world-building relies on the reader’s ability to draw deeper conclusions from what is presented. There’s plenty to read into with this fic, from the Nordic trappings of the mead hall, to the shamanistic death rites, to the fact that—holy hobbled horns—Iron Will has a sister?! There’s plenty of material on display here to forge a greater narrative out of.
Now, does this depiction harmoniously jive with canon? I’m not so sure. It’s a fairly dark tale in addition to being sad, and I’d appreciate a bit more narrative to demonstrate young Will’s transition into the boisterous bull we know from the show. Nonetheless, the fact that this tale manages to balance its two objectives so effectively, and in such a short time, makes it well worth the read.
Bad things happen, oftentimes to the people we love most. The story revolves around this idea: Iron Will’s father is killed in a raid, leaving Iron Will to pick up (and come to terms with) the pieces. It’s fairly standard in regards to the formula of distraught youngster + bad thing + wise grandparent = insight, but it’s the way it goes about this that really sold me.
Pick-Six does a wonderful job of keeping Will’s emotions in check throughout the story, never letting sobby, eye-rolling, ham fists shove the feels down our throats. And knowing he played the whole spectrum of natural emotions without said ham fists in only 2.5k words says a lot about his understanding of the concept. Additionally, it plays off the traditional backdrop Six has going on here, which is also another part of this story that works really well.
I’ve always been a fan of world building. Seeing this story was part of the WBA write off made it all the easier to get into, but the depth that Six hints at in this story is really what gets me. It’s clear there’s much more behind the scenes, that we’ve only seen a mere sliver of the universe he has fathomed, and that kind of mystery always deepens the experience no matter the situation.
Anyone can write a story. Very few can make it come alive.
Things can happen in life with hardly a reason behind them. In the wake of a tragedy, when an explanation is given, it’s sometimes not the one wanting to be heard. Sometimes a simple “because” is the only answer to give, even though it would never give enough justice. In Shine Down on Me, the idea of a life so cruel gets tossed into a young Iron Will’s face, leaving him to pick up the pieces in this short and bittersweet, yet wonderful coming-of-age tale.
Because this story is so short, and it does what it does so expertly, I can’t really say much without spoiling it. The story begins with—and takes place during—the funeral of a young Iron Will’s father. Here the minotaur we know from canon is but a child, angry and confused by the events that led to his father’s death. He is given an answer but it’s not the one he wants, nonetheless he tries to make sense of the situation.
The path this story follows is a bit on the predictable side. But clichés be damned, I don’t care how common something is so long as it’s done well, and in Shine Down on Me it’s not just done well, it’s done right. This moment in Iron Will’s life, albeit brief, is woven masterfully. I’ve got a soft spot for world building, but it’s a finicky business because there’s a delicate line between showing too much and showing too little. Yet here, that line is crossed with precision. Nothing is told that doesn’t need to be, letting the readers build the scenery themselves to the setting atmosphere. The way everything comes is just plain natural, having the story tell only what it needs to and flowing forward at its own pace, and that’s where this story truly shines. In under three thousand words, a beautiful world and a wonderful life lesson is crafted that leaves me craving for more.
And that, however, leads me to my one complaint. It’s leaving me wanting for more. Simply put, I want more. What we see here is years into the past of the life Iron Will is shown to have in canon, and there’s so much of a gap in between it’s teasing for more. This story is a coming-of-age tale, yes, but it’s only a brief moment in Iron Will’s life as opposed to many spaced out over a longer period of time. There’s so much potential left for the story to explore and explain it doesn’t touch on.
This story will more than likely evoke some feeling from the reader because of its nature, and the lesson Iron Will comes to understand is a memorable, if bittersweet one. Those looking for something for the entertainment value might not find it here, but those wanting a fine example in world building and a tantalizing story will be satisfied.
REMEMBER KIDDIES, YOU ARE WHAT YOU WRITE!
So, say you have a pile of socks, fresh from the washer. You start picking them out, pairing them up, and organizing them into neat little rows. Then, you begin to notice a problem. Some of those socks aren’t yours. Several pieces of your family’s laundry have gotten mixed with them. With a start, you realize that you’re not even wearing your own socks—one of them is a lacy little number belonging to your kid sister, and the other is one of your uncle’s whiskey-soaked, hole-filled things. Then you realize that all of these socks are trying to kill you, as is their nature.
This is precisely the situation that befalls our beloved Ms. Sparkle in this fic. It starts simply enough—just another ordinary day in Ponyville—and from there it gets all kinds of crazy. As well it should—when several individuals all sit down to create one cohesive narrative out of their own separate stories, there’s no way that’s going to be a smooth ride.
It is, however, going to be a very exciting one. From the fantastic premise springs an action-packed narrative that refuses to slow down until well after it’s crossed the finish line. Just as one crisis is resolved, something else springs up to take its place. Literally every chapter introduces something entirely new that throws the story for another loop. Plot thread after plot thread is spun, adding to the story’s break-neck pace.
And yet, they all somehow come together at the end. Avoiding spoilers, I will say that this story remarkably manages to tie everything up into a nice little story-bow that amuses, satisfies, and warms the cockles of the heart. I might even be so bold as to say that it feels like a genuine episode of the show (I certainly wouldn’t object to such a thing) complete with lesson.
To further shove my opinions down your throat, I’d say that there’s honestly little to hate about this fic, aside from maybe a few typos and grammatical errors. If you’re looking for an intensely creative, entertaining read that will last an hour or two, look no further. This one’s a keeper.
Yeah... that’s pretty much what the backdrop of this fic feels like. But don’t fret if that isn’t your cup of tea; this isn’t just some insane trainwreck. There’s a wonderfully fun story here.
So the idea here is that Twilight has had a bad day. Pinkie Pie, being herself, wants nothing more than to cheer up her friend. But when she comes to the conclusion of writing a fun story for her friend—and unknowingly writing it on magic paper—her story comes to life in a way Twilight will experience quite literally.
The fun of this story stems from the balance Masem keeps between the insanity going on around Twilight and her attempts to come to terms with the illogic of it all. It’s done wonderfully, the narrative swaying expertly between description, internal monologue, and action, always keeping the pace fluid and the imagery vivid. Taking characters and pulling them far out of their comfort zones always makes for good drama/comedy/what-have-you, and Stranger Than Dictation goes to great lengths to make that happen in a manner that feels natural.
There’s more to the story within than just Pinkie Pie, as other characters unwittingly get their hooves dirty throughout, adding their flairs to the mix. It’s reminiscent of Ponies Play D&D in the way the narrative bounces back and forth between each setup of the new pony and unfolding of how Twilight handles the spin new spin, but I find this story more tasteful in that regard.
TL;DR: this story is awesome.
Every once in awhile there comes a story where the idea behind it is so ingenious it makes me wonder why I hadn’t heard of it sooner, or for that matter why I hadn’t thought of it first. Such is the case here, and I couldn’t be any more pleased with the result. I like to think that a story can either take itself seriously or just be plain silly, but Stranger Than Dictation finds a delightful middle ground and runs with it.
The concept behind the story is simple enough: Pinkie Pie gets the idea to write a short story in an attempt to cheer Twilight up after one particularly bad afternoon. But things take a turn for the worse when magic paper is thrown into the mix and against her knowledge, Pinkie Pie ends up actually, and quite literally so, writing Twilight into the story itself. Giant monsters, daring escapades, and an endless supply of biscuits are just some of the many obstacles poor Twilight encounters, trying her best to stay alive in a world that’s being written to life around her.
I won’t spoil the story’s endings, but I can assure that everything is wrapped up nicely with a neat little bow. The characters are very much in their elements and exploited to their fullest, crafting a story that is not only believable for the universe, but incredibly satisfying. What makes this unique is how Twilight is able to pull a lesson from her misadventure, a lesson that is so well deserved and meaningful it seems like it could’ve come from the show itself. Granted, that is a heavy accolade to give, and I will admit that Stranger Than Dictation is not perfect, but again this story is commendable with its telling.
Of course this story does have its faults, however, they are mostly technical. For the most part the pacing is just as it needs to be, but on occasion it is like the reader is going for an uncomfortable rollercoaster ride. There are a few grammatical uh-ohs and some sentences that could been rephrased for added clarity, but those are few and far between; it’s nothing that a thorough proofing couldn’t quickly deal with. Coming from a person who tends to be nitpicky about such things, these hiccups are minor and do not break immersion in the slightest from the story being told.
All in all, this story is an action-packed, comedic adventure that delivers quick jokes and thrilling excitement time and time again. It never fails to deliver and it kept me easily entertained throughout, eager for more. Anyone looking for a lighthearted adventure or just a good story should check this one out, because I can almost guarantee that anybody would enjoy it regardless of whatever most suits their fancy.
The last, furious clacking of keys died away, and with it, the furious fire that had gripped the furious men’s souls. In its place were three stories, lying still. Three stories, and nine reviews. It was over.
Belligerent Sock fell to his knees, pressing a button on his iPod, which began playing Adagio for Strings. With a shaking hand, he tore the helmet from his head, and cried in a whisper at some image, at some vision—he cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath.
“The horror… The horror…”
“Wow,” said Razgriz, with accompanying record scratch. “Two references at once. You just had to do it, didn’t you?”
“Well, what did you expect?” Belligerent Sock replied. “A shameless plug of the Seattle’s Angels group? A link to the thread where our readers can suggest stories for us to review?”
“That’d be lovely, yes.”
“Well, sorry, but in war we are confronted with conditions which are strange, and our only recourse is to be even stranger.” Picking up his fallen helmet, he began crab-walking back into the underbrush, leaving his two confused compatriots behind.
Razgriz turned to Corejo, who looked back with a smirk.
“Mission accomplished, then.”
Oh, drat. I've been noticed.
The critiques are appreciated. I'm glad people enjoy my fic up there, but I have to admit that I'm still rather average in my writing ability.
How are stories chosen?
hamcon
That's a good Question, I would like to know that too. Because I would like to see a critique about a Specific Fic and I don't know what Creteria must be fulfilled to see it here. Or is it Just hope and Wait?^^
And Round 24 is up. Just like last week, the featured stories here are pretty short, except maybe Stranger than Dictation. I could probably read through them by Wednesday, just like the ones in the last round, if I wanted to.
Wait, one of them was in a world-building competition. And yet Plum and Csquared are nowhere to be found. Odd.
1242273
1242402
Stories are either stumbled upon or actively searched for, however they can also be recommended here at Seattle's Angels.
1242460
Thank you good Sir/Madam for clarifying that.
*Edit* ok I saw the "Rules" for the Recommendation and Sadly I will never ever Recommend a Fic that's not Finished and so has less than 1k views. But still I Appreciate your work. Ok now let's see what we got this Week.
Oh my, wasn't expecting this.
I'm really glad Ya'll enjoyed my story. While I believe there are authors more deserving of attention, I'm not going to deny that seeing this made me pretty damn happy. Thank you again, guys. Cheers!
1242409
I actually had nothing to do with this one. Honest.
1247260
Well, you do have a four month old comment and fave on that story. And both Corejo's and Raz's faves are only four days old. Ah, what the hell. I believe you... I think.
Although, I did get around to reading Shine Down on Me yesterday. Not bad, and apart from being told to believe that this is supposed to be Iron Will's backstory, I have no complaints.
Peter Molyneux is like the video game equivalent of post-modernism.
Meh. When the Angels review something I find it hilarious and love to watch them beat each others fics into submission. When you guys review something, I feel like I've actually been given a decent review.
I don't think I like decent reviews.
Hmm, are we allowed to submit a situation the reviews are ahappenen in?
1253332
... You're asking if they'll accept an intro/outro that wasn't written by a reviewer for one of their rounds?
1251321
You... do realize that these guys are also Angels, right? And also that "Round 20" (which you're presumably referring to) was a satirical circlejerk? Just wanted to make sure we're on the same page. 
Oh, wow, thanks for the excellent review. I haven't really sat down to proof Stranger but this gives me a push to do so as to possibly get EQD posting...
1253332
Basically what Phazon said.
If that's what you're asking, well, I don't think we have any specific rule against it, but I think most people prefer to write their own. HOWEVER, if you're asking about suggesting ideas or something like that, then I guess go for it. There's no guarantee that we'll use 'em, but heck, I know sometimes people struggle to come up with intro/outro scenarios/ideas, so there's no guarantee we won't use 'em.