Just Submitted "The Unluckiest, Lucky Colt in Equestria"

"And now we play the waiting game..."

Comments

[Twi-Guy]

Hungry hungry hippos it is. Dibs on the blue one.

But one thing I would like to know, this sentence structure here, what is it used for? I was under the impression that one comma per sentence is enough, unless you have multiple ideas to repeat, repeat, and repeat.

[gmen15]

1191773

Sometimes I use commas to break up the sentence so it is easier to read. Also I made it more of a thought process since it was first-person (or pony...whatever lol).

That's what you were asking, right?

[Twi-Guy]

1191866
Yeah, I'll buy that. It makes sense in the context of the story because of the internal thought process. Maybe it was just me, but it felt like it was a little choppy. Then again look who is always in the feature box, so you must be doing it right.

[gmen15]

1191951

Eh, just because I make the featured box doesn't necessarily mean I'm right lol.

I still think my choppiness is a general weakness that I have so it's definitely something I have to work on. But in this story I feel it was a bit more warranted to get the effect I wanted but I don't know. We shall see what everyone thinks of it when it is all said and done.

[Twi-Guy]

1191967
How about a game of Monopoly while we play the waiting game?

Well, I usually use the words "and" and "but" in place of commas to keep the sentence moving. Sometimes they just aren't necessary and can slow down the reader. Now I'm just typing to show some examples but it's really not that hard once you find a few words that can act like commas. Now if only I could get my hands on an idea with a story behind it and develop it quickly yet still flesh it out. Well, no big deal. This is more for fun and to do something other than play video games when I'm bored.

Hopefully that helped a little?

[gmen15]

1191988

Yep it did. And hey, if I can think of a good story idea I'll let you know so you can use it. You really were a great help and I know you'd be able to write well once you find something to write about. I'm looking forward to it.

[Twi-Guy]

1192020
Oh, you don't have to do that. Besides, I have Rarity's Dilemma. It's slow right now because about 7,000 words in and another 3,500 to go before the story really starts to happen. I'll just keep plugging away with that for now because I want to get to the story. People like it, but I get the feeling that they stop reading because I take too long.

But if you're in the mood for a few story ideas (some better than others ):
- Pegasus ponies develop some kind of wind machine to move clouds instead of carrying them everywhere. (Like a leaf blower, except it goes terribly wrong)
- Rarity gets a sunburn
- It's ironic that the princess of friendship spends her days locked away in the library (alone after her friends all die),
- What if Celestia and Luna are training Cadence and Twilight to take their places?
- After main six die, Discord is bored and regresses. Celestia and Luna are gone (like, they passed on) and Twilight cannot use the elements because there is no friendship anywhere. She sets out on a quest to find new element bearers.

Like I said, some better than others. I think the only one that is good is Rarity gets a sunburn. You can use any of these as long as you let me know when you plan on publishing it. Seriously, take Rarity gets a sunburn, should be an insta-fav.

[Twi-Guy]

1192020
Featured, fifth one to. Does the list top to bottom represent popularity? I like to think so.

Not bad, not bad at all.

[ElementOfHope]

Dear God...(looks down at game bord) I win