CMC Game Inspectors 1st chapter revision · 8:42am May 28th, 2013
I know I haven't done anything with this for a while. I while back, I actually revised the first chapter so some of the wording sounded better, but I was never totally sure if the changes I made at the beginning were an improvement or not. Since the chapters small anyways, I thought I'd just post the whole revised chapter here, and see if anypony had any thoughts on it:
The original was here, by the way.
Light filtered through Sweetie Belle's window and shone down on her bed. Sleepily, she started to toss and turn, instinctively blocking the light with one of her forelegs. Then a loud ringing sound rudely pulled her out of her dream and into consciousness.
Hearing the alarm continue to ring, she moaned, and swung one foreleg blindly in its direction, attempting to turn it off. Instead she managed to knock it completely off the stand by her bed onto the floor. There, it continued to ring away merrily, unconcerned about what it was doing to her sensitive ears.
Sweetie Belle burrowed underneath her pillow in an attempt to dampen out the aggravating noise. This did muffle it to some extent, but it continued to bore her way into her skull. Eventually, she could no longer take its abuse, and hopped down off of her bed.
Groaning in frustration, she mashed the button on it down petulantly. "Dumb alarm."
She looked back up at her bed wistfully. She could just climb right back in and go back to sleep. Surely nopony would miss her if she skipped one day of school.
"Sweetie Belle!" From downstairs, she heard her mother calling out to her.
Oh brother, she thought. Well, she'd better get up after all. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, stretched, and yawned a big yawn. Arching her back to get the kinks out, she glanced at the calendar. April 14th.
Sweetie Belle picked up her alarm clock and set it back on her bed stand.
Wait.
"April 14th?"
She bolted out of her bedroom.
As she rushed through the living room, her mother greeted her.
"There you are, Sweetie. Do you know what time-"
"No time to talk, mom!" Sweetie Belle said, rushing by her. "I've got to get going or I'll be late for school!"
She grabbed her saddlebags off a hook and pulled them on. Stopping by the kitchen, Sweetie Belle gulped down a glass of orange juice, and shoved a muffin in her bags for later. No time to eat now, she was late!
As she headed for the door, her mother intercepted her, paper bag in her muzzle. She took the bag and galloped out the door, leaving both her bemused parents behind her.
"Since when has she cared about being late for school?" Pearl asked her husband.
Magnum simply shrugged and got out his rod and tackle, preparing for another long hard day of fishing.
Sweetie Belle's gallop slowed to a trot as she set out in the direction of the schoolhouse, only for her to stop when a scooter came to a halt right besides her.
"Sweetie Belle!"
"Hey, Scootaloo. You ready for today?" she asked her friend.
"Am I?" Scootaloo said enthusiastically. "Come on, let's go get Apple Bloom. She won't want to miss today!"
"No need," a voice called from a short ways away, sounding out of breath. "Ah'm here. What's so special about today, though?"
"You don't remember?" Sweetie Belle said, startled. "Today at school, we have a guest speaker-"
"A very special guest speaker-" Scootaloo continued.
"Coming all the way to our school to talk about her position as the Olympic Games Inspector-" Sweetie Belle said.
"The best Olympic Games Inspector in Equestria!" Scootaloo interjected.
"Isn't she the only Olympic Games Inspector in Equestria?"
"Yeah, and therefore the best one!" Scootaloo said.
"But today is the day Miss Harshwhinny comes to speak to our class!" Sweetie Belle said in excitement.
"Today's that day?" Apple Bloom said. "Shoot, is my ribbon straight? Do I have my notebook? I know Applejack's going to want an autograph. She's always been a big fan, what with her inspecting the rodeo, too, and all..."
At that, Scootaloo began rummaging through her saddle bags. "Do I have quills and ink? I'd better be sure."
"You know, none of that'll matter if we don't make it to school on time." Sweetie Belle gestured towards the schoolhouse with her horn.
The three of them exchanged a look, and started galloping that way as fast as they could.
The three of them arrived at the red schoolhouse just as everypony started filing inside.
"*huff* *huff* We finally made it." Apple Bloom panted.
"Right in the nick of time, too." Scootaloo said, not nearly as winded, having ridden her scooter over.
"Come on," Sweetie Belle said, waving them onward. "We'd better get inside."
They quickly entered with the rest, and took their seats in the classroom. As everypony got settled down at their desks, Miss Cheerilee walked to the front of the class.
"Good morning, my little ponies! Today we have a long and fun class ahead of us," she cheerfully greeted her class. "As you are no doubt aware, today we will have a special guest, the Royal Games Inspector, Miss Harshwhinny!"
An orange colored earth pony with a blond mane and a stern expression waved from behind her. The class whistled and stomped their approval. Cheerilee waited for most of the applause to die down, and then spoke back up.
"However, that will come later today. First, it's time to continue covering division with fractions. Who can tell me what a denominator is?" She tapped at the blackboard, which was covered with math problems.
The class groaned. It was going to be a long day.
By the time Cheerilee finally brought her lecture to a halt, Sweetie Belle's head was whirling. Numerators and denominators, and not nearly enough of Miss Harshwhinny. She felt about ready to burst with anticipation.
In this, she was hardly alone. Throughout the classroom, antsy fillies and colts shifted back and forth in their seats uneasily, biding their time. Though Rumble seemed to have somehow fallen asleep anyways.
"Alright now, class, that's enough for today." Cheerilee announced. "Make sure to do problems ten through twenty six on page two hundred thirty-five for homework. Let's take a break for lunch, and then afterwards, I'll give the floor to Miss Harshwhinny."
Everypony around them started milling out of the class for lunch after hearing that. Sweetie Belle eased out of her desk, trying to get her hindquarters to wake up, as it seemed to have fallen asleep at some point.
Scootaloo came up beside her desk, giving a big yawn, with Apple Bloom right behind her. In the back of the classroom, Miss Cheerilee was gently trying to wake Rumble back up.
"Rumble," she called out to him.
"Why certainly, Twist, I'll have two of your peppermint sticks," he murmured sleepily.
Apple Bloom stifled a laugh. "Poor Rumble. Good thing most of the class already left for lunch, or I reckon he'd never hear the end of this."
Standing up, hooves still all tingly, Sweetie Belle motioned to the others. "Let's get some lunch while we have a chance."
The three of them walked out of the classroom. On the way out, they heard Rumble mutter something about having a 'nice long lick', which set them back to giggling again.
Once outside, they searched around, and somehow managed to find an unoccupied table they could lay claim to. And then they settled down to the most important matter currently at hand. Lunch.
Remembering the bag her mother gave her, Sweetie Belle pulled it out and opened it. She turned out to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, an orange, and an apple inside. Boring, but she wasn't complaining.
Apple Bloom seemed to have a container with some sort of apple carrot walnut salad, a fork, and two apples on her. It appeared Big Macintosh was trying out some fancy things in the kitchen again.
Scootaloo pulled out what must have been the worlds smallest muffin from a bag, and frowned. Apple Bloom quickly hooved over one of her apples, and Sweetie Belle did the same with her orange.
"You really need to start bringing better lunches, you know, Scoots," Apple Bloom said. "How many times is this?"
"Yeah, yeah, I know." Scootaloo started peeling the orange. "So, Miss Harshwhinny's lecture is after lunch. Think we'll get a chance to talk to her afterwards?"
Sweetie Belle scratched her head. "I don't see why not. Trouble is everypony will want to do that."
"Yeah," Apple Bloom said. "Hope we manage to get her to sign autographs, at least."
"Autographs is small potatoes," Scootaloo commented. "What we really should do is get her to show us the ropes of how to be an inspector."
"Yeah!" Sweetie Belle said. "And then maybe we could earn our Cutie Marks as-"
They all chimed in together, from long practice.
"Cutie Mark Crusaders Game Inspectors! Yay!"
Back in the teachers lounge, Miss Harshwhinny sneezed, then accepted a proffered handkerchief from Miss Cheerilee.
"Thank you, my dear," she sniffed. "Must be my allergies acting up."
"Don't mention it," Miss Cheerilee said. "Do you think you'll be alright for your lecture?"
Miss Harshwhinny smiled. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."
Well, this is an interesting revision, that's for sure. I still find their desire to become Olympics Game Inspectors rather amusing. Oh wait, you're Seetie, aren't you? Maybe I shouldn't use the word they when referring to you...
Anyways, it's a nice read, and I'll enjoy every new bit if you continue it.