Site Post » Reviews Round 20 · 6:24am May 27th, 2013
The world itself seemed to shudder when the explosion rocked the Secret Volcano Lair of Seattle’s Angels.
Inside, three individuals rose amidst the smoking remains of the experiment, then silently, as if in a trance, proceeded to tie up the unconscious bodies of the Angels. When they were all tied, back to back an with ball-gags stuffed into their mouths and tied behind their heads, the three looked at each other.
“I believe the experiment worked,” Wanderer D said, cracking his neck. “I feel... free of the inhibitions we have demanded so far of the Angels.”
“Agreed.” Seattle Lite’s voice seemed to be several octaves lower and raspy, making it sound like it was rising from the molten rock deep within the volcano. “A stupid sentiment, trying to spare readers and authors the pain of honestly nasty reviews.”
Nick Nack nodded, eyes twitching as he looked around the room. His hands opened and closed in a mix of anxiety and irritation, and his eyes would have killed someone with the strength of their glare if such a thing were possible.
“It’s too bad the Angels seem immune to the formula,” Wanderer D muttered, flicking a test tube off the table. “Imagine what we could have achieved! A complete deletion of fanfics through reviews! It would have been glorious!
“But how do we know if this really worked?” Nick Nack spoke up suddenly from the other side of the room. An oddity, since he had been standing just a few feet from—
“Well?” Nick Nack whispered behind Wanderer D’s ear.
“I think... we should review some stories,” Seattle Lite spoke up, already browsing. “I don’t think Wanderer has the mental capacity to make a fail-proof formula, and you Nick couldn’t measure a teaspoon of Mary Sue if it came pre-measured and pre-packaged.”
Nick Nack growled.
“Well, if we’re doing that...” Wanderer D pushed Seattle Lite to the side and typed quickly. “How about these?”
Nick Nack blinked. “Wait... those are...”
“Yesss...” Seattle Lite gleefully pulled the stories out. “We can see how... honest... we can be about these. Right in front of the authors.”
The three exchanged wary glances before slowly nodding.
“Let’s start.”
ROUND 20
STORY 1
Two Beats, by Nicknack
Wanderer DWhy am I even reading this? I have to say, if I am permitted to be blunt, that seldom have I encountered a pony story that reads like actual literature. I’m not here for that. I’m here for the fics. The inane, whiny, product of overblown egos of people working on stories about happy pastel-colored ponies with personalities that most people can never agree with.
Anyway.
On to the review. This is not good. We have a character that is tired of life, tired of the walls, his job, his youth and his talent. He gets so tired of it all that I would spoil this for all of you if I told you just how this pony deals with the mental breakdown that deciding who you are can bring you in an almost masturbatory fashion.
This story certainly doesn’t make me want to live in Equestria either. When I read a fic, I don’t want to think about jobs or addictions or self-delusion or more talented people than I! I want to avoid reality and live in the clouds with the ever-happy pegasi who look down at the little orphan pegasi with small, crippled wings with a soft smile of encouragement. Where is the escapism in this tale of deep, emotional turmoil and escapism?
I definitely do not recommend this for it’s obvious quality or deep characterization. Stick to the pastel ponies of ultimate, oblivious happiness. White-out the grimy, deep and thoughtful material and scrawl over it a smile and vacant stare appropriate for unchallenging material and cliched repetitiveness of ‘pony does X’.
Seattle_LiteSo...
Let me tell you a tale. An angsty little tale of my miserable life, throw in my discontented woes while utterly lacking a hint of substance, and then I shall writhe about in the puddle of mine own ineffectualism pleading for your attention. Then when you refuse me, I’m going to piss on your shoe.
And that dear readers, is Two Beats in nutshell. But hey, why settle for concision? If I have to read this drippy pile, I’m sure as hell dragging you lot along with me. See, the first thing you really have to know, have to absorb, about this story to get a sense of it, is that the main character hates everything. Literally. It doesn’t really matter what it is, or whether it has any impact on his person; he hates it. Following logically, our tedious author takes great pleasure in bemoaning in exacting detail the whys and the fors of our poor, misbegotten main character’s plight.
Now, when we’re not being actively dragged by the ankle through this spurious piece of wangst, shit happens! Yes! It does! Here, let me show you:
“The manager nodded. I smiled. He introduced me, and I spun a record. Ponies made their way onto the floor. The track built up. Energy peaked.”
**slow-clap.jpg**
Oh, well done Mr. Nack, that’s how we ‘wow’ the reader. Man. You should do a seminar; let’s call it: “Reader Immersion; How to Suck Balls at It.” I mean, this could presumably go on and on, but let’s move to wrap up this train wreck with a special tip: if you’re a virgin, you probably shouldn’t try to write a sex scene. Accordingly, being a boring and dreary creature as Nick is, he certainly has no business trying to write an Ecstasy trip. Oh, speaking of which, hands up if anyone has ever read a more cringe-inducing attempt at a sex scene than is found here-in?
So yeah, next time you want to wade through the literary equivalent to shooting up in a grungy bathroom of a slum bar, read this story. Next thing you know we’re gonna get served up some trite fluff about... I dunno, homosexual Griffons or some jack like th—Oh... wait... Ponyception.
In the end: thanks Nick, but if I wanted to sink 7k words worth of reading time into a bitchy little exposition of why scene-cutter FEELS about everything, I’d just cruise Tumblr, which would be preferable given in comes with cringey pictures minus the hyperbole ad nauseum.
STORY 2
The Three Sisters, by Wanderer D
With all the bullshit this fandom went through at the end of Season Three ("HOW DARE THEY MAKE HER A PRETTY PONY PRINCESS! WHAT IS THIS, A GIRL'S TV SHOW?"), I think that everyone's lost sight of the actual worst season finale—the one at the end of Season Two. Because whereas everyone who got pissed off at Alicorn Twilight quit the fandom and… got on with their lives, Season Two's finale was widely-received enough to have an entire genre of fics pop up:
Changeling fics.
See, everyone with two brain cells to rub together always knew that Twilight was going to be an alicorn one day. Or even if they didn't, the like fifth fic in this fandom was written about "Oh, I'm going to outlive all my friends, being a god succkkkkssss!!!" So the "Twilight is an Alicorn" fics aren't really a new flavor of bullshit, and some of them are actually good.
Logically speaking, I'm sure that there that there exists the possibility of a changeling fic to be "good." Yet, every time I try to find one, I keep running into stories like The Three Sisters by Wanderer D—stories that remind me that, by and large, all changeling fics suck.
90% of everything is shit. In the case of changeling fics, the other 10% is also shit.
Now, thankfully, Wanderer D avoids the trope that 99% of all other changeling fics falls into: He doesn't go with the whole, "I'm secretly a changeling, wahhhangst" pandering crap that wasn't enthralling the first time someone wrote it, let alone the eight thousandth. Instead, he decides to go with an even more overused trope in fiction: Rarity not being a complete and total cunt.
Let me explain: In every single episode of the show, Rarity is an absolute bitch. Her friends and family all take back seat to her business, which is one of being a "fashion designer." Never mind that ponies have hair or fur or whatever to keep them warm, or that their society tends to not wear or need "dress clothes" (parkas and hard hats are more "equipment," anyway); show-Rarity decides to make money off of selling ponies something they don't need, and she acts like she's better than them because she's got "taste" in wearing clothes that would, for at least three of her friends, adversely affect their livelihoods (Dash couldn't fly, Applejack would overheat in the fields, and Fluttershy would probably get trapped in the sleeve of her dress and be unable to help herself).
Pictured: A bitch.
So really, Rarity and changelings go together like sauerkraut and vinegar. One's a leech that lives off siphoning ponies' love and attention, and the other's a race of insects that lives just like Rarity does (except even they don't try to sell one another clothes). It should come as no surprise that Rarity's a changeling in this fic (it's said so in the first 500 words), but really, the bigger question is: how would anyone notice a difference?
But no, the story drags its readers along, kicking and screaming, to mention how there's some bullshit backstory about "Rarity got kidnapped by a bunch of diamond dogs when she was yonger, except they wanted to eat her (but not all diamond dogs are bad; just those diggers who eat ponies), and as part of that capitvity, within ten minutes or something, Rarity decides to sacrifice her own life to save the changeling.
Because, you know, Rarity's generous. Or something.
Except, it's not really "generosity" or self-sacrifice, since apparently Rarity, the changeling, and the changeling's older sister get morphed into one body. Given how this melding happened because the changeling's older sister "fell in love" with the younger changeling (don't worry, none of this is explained in the story, either), and how they all decide to "live on as Rarity," this leads to some strange implications.
So really, Wanderer D's The Three Sisters avoids the usual pitfalls of changeling fics by telling us that Rarity grew up with an incestuous lebsian orgy going on in the back of her head the whole time. This story succeeded in terrifying me in completely new ways; never have I feared so much for Sweetie Belle, who has apparently been entrusted to her older sister's "care."
I award this story a "4chan Cousins Thread" out of five, and I hope I never have to read something like this again.
Consistent narration, how does it work?! Psh, I dunno, but she might. She who? Exactly.
Okay, moving on, we find that—wait. Is this... oh snap, this is a story about worst pony being revealed as a repulsive, insectoid feeling-feeding gruber! Well! This may have some appeal. How shall our intrepid author pursue this inspiration to its fullest? Will Rarity suffer the scorn and disdain of her old friends for her vile treachery and subversion? Read on!
Hm. Dearest D, a word on character. I realize sinking too much time into something as droll as pony names... but naming an OC insect-pony ‘Pupa’? C’mon man, have more drive than a perma-baked stoner stretching desperately for that last bag of cheetos, juuuuust outta reach. And y’know what? He gets those fucking cheetos. Every time.
Now hark and attend; I paint you the picture of this pseudo-main-character, and what a special snowflake she is! And how shall I do this? Why, with elegance and poise of course! I shall weave you brick-house-sized chunks of italicized flashback, carefully detailing the irrefutable snowflakeness of my misunderstood person, and shove it down your damn throat. Now, while some of you more inclined to social dysphoria may not be utterly offended by this blatant abortion of characterization (bugness not withstanding), the sane majority must by default reject this piece under the over-trod premise of its reach—that Rarity is an abysmal, self-obsessed, flaming bitch. I hold that this assertion stands on equivalence with the earth being round, so we needn’t go into that any further. Not to say I couldn’t, because I could. So could.
Are we tearing apart grammar in these things? No? Awww...
Okay, so wait... I’m halfway through the story at this point, and I’ve just across “The Fly” happening. And for the record, I am officially weirded the fuck out. Like, I want to see some fanart of this exact moment in the story, where there’s some magical sort of amalgamation of insect and pony. Bonus points for bubbles of pus and horrendous screaming...
Oh, wait, no, that’s the ending! What the shit? The last hint we get from the present situation is an implied acceptance of bug-Rarity from the group, and this leaves me profoundly unfulfilled. Sooo much potential for the exploration of the conflict is just left unexplored, flapping in wind like D’s limp... Well, anyway, point is, that’s bollocks.
Polishing touch? The implication that Chrysalis is a theist. “Fare thee well dear sisters, may the viscous fluid of love pour from every heavenly flower into your grubby little throats.” ...Wait, do ponies and insects go to the same heaven? Huh... Actually, yeah, somebody write me a Holy War: Equestria story, STAT.
STORY 3
Moving On, by Seattle_Lite
This story starts in the right place, with the right things and the right hoof movements. Saddly, it is interrupted by the arrival of Rarity, that rather than do what common sense dictates, decides to go away. I don't get you, Seattle. Why tease us and then deny us? Anyway. The meandering nature of this story is hard to describe in a few words. Sweetie is the main character, as it should be, and she's all grown up into a teenager with melancholy hanging onto her.
Philosophical questions rise with a frequency that would put Lyra Heartstrings in an automatic good mood. As in, not that often. But they pretend to be philosophical. Most of her musings are nostalgic, dreaming of better days with her fellow crusaders and trying to figure out what to do with her life. No drugs on this one.
Oh, and Scootaloo's there as well. And Apple Bloom, later on. It's the lesbian world of ponies, come to us again. Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you, but I can see why Big Mac would spend the night outside, drinking moonshine or whatever he had in his hooves. Poor guy never had a chance.
There is also this very sense of obliviousness from the older mares. I'm wondering if it's just the Crusader's perspective or if they are really that dense. Sweetie treats everything as if the old hags older generation had been incapable of having fun, remembering their childhood, having their own secret roads and hiding places... she's in this mindset of "I know better!" oh wait... she's being a teenager. I get it. But still, I can't believe Rarity would be that dense. Twilight, I can understand not being aware of her apprentice's debates on what to do with her life (she tends to get too carried away, after all) but yeah.
The one redeeming feature of this otherwise plain story is the corruption, unintentional as it might be, of the next generation of crusaders, who will definitely be traumatized for years to come.
Just to avoid any accusations of "bias" or other non-issues that people seem to think matter in the realm of giving my objective reviews of things, I'll come right out and admit: I've known Seattle_Lite for quite some time in this fandom, and he's actually got his head screwed on straight most of the time. So when I saw that his story, Moving On was slated for review as part of Round 20 of Seattle's Angels, I decided that I would handle it with the utmost of professionalism.
The utmost.
You see, I was exposed to Moving On almost a year ago. One thousand words in, I decided to start taking a drink every time I had to skip past a boring, detached haze of narration that in no way progressed the story, plot, or characters. A bottle of Jägermeister later, I still couldn't find myself able to give a shit about these limp, directionless puppets that Seattle calls “characters.”
I use the plural for “characters” generously, too; not only do they sound and act exactly the same with one another in flat-dialogued-scene after flat-dialogued-scene, but they in no way represent the characters in the show they're based on. Sweetie Belle comes off as angsty, jaded, and sharp (not shy and gentle), Scootaloo comes off as bland and boring (which I suppose takes some talent, since she's really Rainbow Dash 2.0), and this is all wrapped up in an "experimental" writing style that I'd like to take a moment to explain.
You see, even though there are no "hard rules" of writing (excluding grammar, which Seattle, not being a developmentally challenged middle-schooler, has a handle on), there are some generally agreed-upon conventions that writers often use in order to make their stories more approachable by most people possible. The easiest example, "show, don't tell" means that writers can convey the emotions of their characters by giving them actions that express them, rather than having them announce their emotions through narration.
Seattle_Lite, on the other hand, eschews that convention. All of the boring dialogue in this story is broken up by even longer, more-boring segments of Sweetie Belle, in a neutral and detached manner, announcing her thoughts about the situation she's in. It reads like an encyclopedia that cuts to police reports, and I hated every minute that I had to trudge through this 15,000-word snore fest.
I… I can't even call it a story. It's just a snapshot of Sweetie Belle's life as she wanders aimlessly from various social interactions. She wakes up, masturbates (thanks Seattle_Lite), goes to drink coffee with Scootaloo (thanks, Seattle, WA), has a magic lesson with Twilight, and then… the next day, she like falls asleep outside that's a problem for some reason, so she's almost late for her orgy with Scootaloo and Apple Bloom (I wish I were joking; this story is really this contrived), and after Applejack and Rainbow Dash are having a lover's quarrel for no explained reason, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom decide they want to be a "threesome" instead of a couple, and… that's it. Those are the important events of this story. They're largely unrelated, nothing ties them together with an overarching plot, and you, the reader, are forced to create your own version of the story that wasn't completely shit:
Rape is awful, but at least my story had a resolution. (The resolution was AIDS.)
So really, the title "Moving On" makes no god damn sense. Nothing in this story moves, let alone overcomes any apparent obstacle. A more accurate title for this would've been "Forty Long Minutes of Non-Explicit Porn." Because if this were labeled as porn, at least, I'd be okay with there being absolutely plot, depth, or meaning to it.
I award this story negative forty minutes of my life, and I realize that nothing I can do will ever let me reclaim the time I spent reading this terrible piece of shit.
Y’know what? Fuck you both. Peons.
Darkness.
And then, Seattle Lite groaned, opening his eyes. “W-what happened?” he could hear Nick Nack coughing and complaining about a headache, probably feeling just like he did.
A hand suddenly appeared in his field of view, offering him aid to get up. Hesitantly, he took it, and was pulled up to his feet and then held by the arm as he staggered and struggled to keep his balance.
“It’s okay,” Wanderer D said, helping him to sit down on a chair before proceeding to help Nick Nack. “We’re back to normal, the formula was only temporary.”
Seattle Lite coughed. “But... the things we said... I—”
“We were not ourselves,” Wanderer D interrupted. “It was a foolish attempt, trying to rid ourselves of emotional extremes to be more fair. It’s a good thing Nick Nack calculated the right dosage for us to only be affected temporarily.”
“I-I did?” Nick Nack slowly stood up, and shuffled up to them. “I guess I did, huh?”
“Well done,” Seattle Lite said honestly, eyes locking with Nick Nack’s. “I don’t know what would have become of the Angels if we...”
“Heh, don’t even say it,” Nick Nack agreed, tiredly patting Seattle Lite’s shoulder. “Where are they, anyway?”
“They’re gone,” Wanderer D said, looking around the room. Other than the three of them, it was empty. “I woke them up earlier, they’ve gone home to take a well-deserved break. Pav even said not to call them until next month.”
Nick Nack nodded. “Yeah... I can see why. I hope they can forgive us.”
“I’m sure they will,” Seattle Lite said, standing up as well. “They’re cool guys, they know we messed up, but it wasn’t intentional.”
“Well, what’s done is done,” Wanderer D sighed. “We should also get going... rest. We’ll need to deal with the fallout later.”
After a moment, the three made their way to the door, until a creaking sound stopped them.
“What was that?” Seattle Lite asked.
“Hm, I forgot to lock the window, I’ll be right back,” Wanderer D said, walking back into the room. Slowly he made his way around the wrecked place until he reached the room at the other end.
He peeked inside.
The tied-up, ball-gagged members of Seattle’s Angels glared at him, still tied back to back.
Wanderer D grinned. “Sorry gentlemen, I forgot to lock the door!” As he pulled it closed, he hesitated. “Well, I guess I shouldn’t leave you in a completely silent room, should I? Here, let me put this on loop...”
He flicked a switch and closed the door behind him, leaving the Angels alone as the music began... a song that would repeat itself endlessly until they were somehow rescued.
If... they were rescued.
...Firefox crashed when your blog came up.
Is it that epic? Maybe. I'll have to read some of the stories to find out eh?
Oooh. This was funny overall, but this here line:
It made me laugh like mad. Well done!
That was simultaneously hilarious and horrifying, well done gents
Well, this is ironic...I make reference to TTS, and less than a day later, here we are seeing a second review about it. Funny.
Gee, why are you telling us about these fics, and presumably recommending them, if you don't like them?
Sad but true. It seems like that, for the most part, CiPs are just the stereotypical HiE in disguise. Oh, look at the outsider coming to Ponyville. Watch as they find friends and acceptance. Cheer as they get to bang a main cast member. Tune in next week when someone else releases the same story.
I'd really like to see more stories that use them as antagonists. Maybe an "Invader Zim" like take on it.
Two Beats didn't feel like ponyfic to me. It was a short story with ponies pasted onto it for some reason. Nothing about it changes if you make the characters humans and the setting New York or Detroit, except that the subject matter doesn't feel as incongruous. It wasn't a bad story, I was just confused as to why it had ponies shoehorned in.
Also, the sex scene was really gratuitous. Almost enough to make me stop reading in a fit of eye-rolling. The ending was good, though; I'm a fan of ambiguous endings.
1107228
Read the names of the authors, and then read the names of the people who review each story.
I can't tell if this is a joke or not...
God, I would love a regular series of you guys reviewing each other's stories like this. I laughed more at this than most comedies I've read on this site.
This is almost performance art...
This might be the best blog I've ever read on FIMFic before. Absolute perfection.
10/10 This ascends into a most grorious series of blogs.
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So much opinions...
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I'VE BEEN SPENDING LIKE 4 DAYS WRITING A DEPRESSING-ASS RARITY LITERATURE-TYPE NOVEL ABOUT RARITY BEING A DEPRESSING ASS BITCH WITH SO MUCH LOVE AND HARD WORK GONE INTO IT NOW TO READ THIS AND TO KNOW THAT MY LIFE IS OFFICIALLY FUCKED AND I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO MY PSYCHE IF I POSTED IT AND IT GOT A REVIEW LIKE THIS... FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. WHY DOES EQUESTRIA HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HAPPY. THERE IS A FUCKING SAD TAG FOR A REASON, DIPSHIT. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK PUNCTUATION, I'MMA GO KILL MY FANFIC AND MYSELF, NIGGAHS, TOOTS.
Somebody told them that what they do is not funny, right? Hasn't been either when you started it, all those months ago, and didn't modify the formula since.
But the reviews are right, I have to say. At last some overhyped fiction gets what it deserves. So much for not sugarcoating, right?
Still love you guys, keep up your work, I know it isn't an easy one.
........... did you just call Rarity a bitch ?
die, heretic
I'm assuming you guys are just messing around with each other? Very funny.
Though you did bring up a real issue, in which a lot of the Changeling fics fall into the categories of either 'I'm actually a changeling!' or 'We just wanted to be loved!'.
"Seattle's
AngelsAssholes"And much like the April Fools' round, here's another three stories that I don't think I'll be adding to my Read Later list. I mean, the tongue-in-cheek labasting (um... circlejerk self-deprecation? I'm not even sure what to call this.) didn't really sour me toward any of these. I just wasn't very inclined toward them to begin with.
And we're calling this one Round 20. This means that the numbering of the review rounds is screwed up by this as well? Screw it. I give up. I give up. Pav, I don't care if you are tied up in a secret volcano lair and might never see the light of day again. If and when you actually read this, this one's your fault too. That reminds me, real review round in a week or two?
Oh. Now I understand things.
I don't see how that song on endless loop could be a bad thing. It beats regular radio almost hands down.
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Eh.
Yeah, I figured out this reviews round was a joke pretty quickly.
It's beautiful :manlytears:
Best thing I read all week.
why can't all the review rounds be like this lol
man nopony wanna read srs literature reviews, just tell jokes my nigga*
* - its ok, I'm a Verified Online Negro
I couldn't stop laughing. I cried. CRIED.
Three moustaches for you, good sir!
And kudos to pretty much everyone in the comment section who all managed to continue my laughing fit for another couple of minutes!
Stick to posting stories on the site. Leave the bizarre circle-jerking BS for chat.
I'm sorry, but I cannot forgive these insults to Best Pony.
Your best set of reviews yet!
Keep it up, guys, keep it up.
That song is my mom's ringtone.
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Nopony tells me nuttin.
1107675
1107459
I'm confused by these allegations of "circle-jerking." Clearly, there's only three reviewers at once, so it's merely a triangle jerk.
Fun fact: that song was originally from the soundtrack of an Italian porno.
Don't ask me how I know that.
Angst, lesbian orgies and creepy incestual bugs? Hell yeah! now we're talking.
1108046
How did you know that?
1110447
Now, if we said that, the amusement factor would be reduced, right?
From what I can tell, we all (mostly) tolerated one anothers' stories, but if we did a positive review of our own stuff, it'd come off as biased and moot. Wheras with riffing, we can at least entertain the audience.
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Plus you can say what you really feel, and the writer will think you're joking
So this is what you guys do while I'm not around? Oy vey
"a song that would repeat itself endlessly until they were somehow rescued."
Was expecting
[youtube=HNTxr2NJHa0]
Was only mildly disappointed.
1107459
It's circlejerking.
1107453
I'd rather read your stuff for that.
1118978 Nicknack disagrees
1118983
Who cares? He's one of the ones giving himself a Rusty Venture.
Note: UrbanDictionary.
1118986>>1118983 It definitely is. Eeyup. 20th sort-of-anniversary bs that we thought might be funny, but definitely sorta promotes in a negative way our stories and apparently annoys certain individuals. Not that you need to read them. Doesn't really affect us either way.
1118986 Joking.
Also, I tend to avoid Urban Dictionary in very much the same way that I avoid 4chan, so this 'rusty venture' means nothing to me.
1118986 Also, liking 'All that Glitters' started reading it yesterday
I actually liked Between Two Beats, but that might just be rose tinted glasses. That fic is quite possibly as old as the fandom.
1119491
It came out in August of 2011 and the fandom began in around October of 2010, so it's not as old as the fandom...
Still, I'm glad you liked it.
1122116 Meh, ten months off.
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