• Member Since 1st Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 8th, 2020

BlackWidower


Old story writer, trying to get back on the pony. Really just want to finish something.

More Blog Posts13

  • 100 weeks
    Return to the Fiction

    I haven't written anything related to fanfiction, or any type of prose, in over five years. That's actually why I've been avoiding this site for so very long. Partially out of having nothing to actually post, but also embarrassment. At first, it was just college, but then it became something else. I love writing, and cannot believe I ever stopped. And... well rather than go into great detail, I

    Read More

    4 comments · 337 views
  • 414 weeks
    Regarding Sibling Rivalry

    I recently wrote a review of the Avengers, which will be posted by noontime Monday on my website. And I opened it thusly:

    Sometimes, you have to know what you’re doing. Where you’re going. What your purpose is.

    I never quite understood this until recently.

    Read More

    7 comments · 598 views
  • 422 weeks
    Return to Sibling Rivalry

    It feels like so long ago that I last wrote anything fictitious.

    I actually enjoy writing. It's a great way to share your thoughts with the world. But lately most of my thoughts haven't been on the continuing adventures of fictitious ponies in the land of Equestria. Recently, I spent my time writing about Tron; Star Trek; and Littlest Pet Shop, my new favourite cartoon.

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    3 comments · 406 views
  • 433 weeks
    Another cry for help!

    Once again, I must put out a call for editors. Particularly this week, I’m gonna need some real a-holes to look for any and all errors in my work.

    The reason I’m putting out this call once again, is that so far, I’ve failed to find any usable assistance. A problem which I detailed here.

    Read More

    4 comments · 365 views
  • 437 weeks
    A Waking Dragon

    I want to apologize. It's been a while since I wrote a chapter of A Waking Dragon. Six months to be precise. That's pretty fucking pathetic, even for me.

    Read More

    0 comments · 365 views
Apr
13th
2013

Another cry for help! · 8:29pm Apr 13th, 2013

Once again, I must put out a call for editors. Particularly this week, I’m gonna need some real a-holes to look for any and all errors in my work.

The reason I’m putting out this call once again, is that so far, I’ve failed to find any usable assistance. A problem which I detailed here.

I’m asking anyone out there who’s able, to contact me with an offer to act as editor. I’m looking for real feedback here, not just confirmation that my work is fine. Detailed nitpicking, if you can. Anything else is useless to me.

I’d be very grateful for your assistance.

Report BlackWidower · 365 views ·
Comments ( 4 )

Well, I realize this journal is a couple months old, and commenting here probably isn't quite what you were looking for anyway, but I read the most recent chapters for A Waking Dragon and Sibling Rivalry on your site earlier, so I wrote down some corrections as I went through them. And apparently you just added another new chapter to Sibling Rivalry while I left this comment idling here all day, so I can do the same for chapter 13, if you want.

Sibling Rivalry, chapter 12
Rarity confusion --> should be "Rarity's".
“For the record,” Twilight explained. “I didn’t say anything.” --> Feels like it should be a comma instead of a period after "explained".
His mind abuzz with panic and fear. --> Most of your sentences that technically aren't complete seem intentional, but this one feels distracting.
His only hope, was to beg the two mares he loved for forgiveness. --> Comma seems unnecessary.
“What!?” He asked, as the wind flew across his face. --> "He" shouldn't be capitalized.
My right eye started inching --> "inching" should be "itching"?
the bolt of lighting that was targeted toward her. --> "targeted toward" just sounds a bit awkward to me.
When suddenly, Spike heard a sound. --> Seems odd to start a sentence with "When suddenly".
“Ow,” he responded. --> "he responded" just seems odd to describe the word "Ow" since it doesn't exactly sound like part of a conversation.

Also, almost every sentence has its own paragraph toward the end, making it feel a little too fragmented.


In A Waking Dragon, your scenes with conversation get a bit awkward at points with the reliance on speaking verbs. You vary what they are, but I think it would be a good idea to replace some of the "Dash explained" and "Spike replied" types of phrasing with some other indicator of who's talking. It might be partly because almost every time anyone speaks is just a quick sentence or two, so it ends up with rapid-fire switching between characters where the attribution words start to get distracting, especially ones like "interjected" or "explained" when it's not really an explanation.

A Waking Dragon, chapter 7
following behind one of his patents as she led himself --> Missing i in "patients".
“Ugh,” the weathermare explained. --> "Ugh" doesn't sound like an explanation.
“It can’t see us right?” Rainbow asked. --> Comma between "us" and "right".
“Oh, no,” Comet whispered. --> "oh no" usually isn't written with a comma, and including one makes it sound like a response to a question to me.
“I don’t believe this,” Shining responded. --> This sounds like it's spoken to no one specific, not a direct response.
Well, there is, Ambassador Dorin, the Neighponese Ambassador to Equestria.” --> This sentence is clutzy.
Their restless hooves trotted up and down the path. Driving Rarity insane. --> Should be one sentence with a comma.
before flying toward the group, and impacting the shield, sending out another series of cracks. --> The first comma seems unnecessary.
A pair of hooves landed a few feet away. --> A "pair of hooves"? Not the best word when there's 4 of them.
“It out flew me!” --> Not sure about this one, but I think "out flew" should be hyphenated.
the creatures eyes snapped open. --> Missing apostrophe.
he quickly realized where he was; the farmhouse at Sweet Apple Acres --> Semicolon should be a colon.
“Don’t try to get up, Spike,” Twilight explained, --> One of the spots where "explained" seems like a bad word choice.
“You sure little guy?” --> Comma between "sure" and "little".
“So, Rainbow,” Thunderlane said, interjecting. --> "said, interjecting" seems redundant, and "interject" is just a clunky word to use more than once in a great while.

Not sure how useful that was to you, but if that's all you want, I can keep doing that as I read updates.

1156019

Honestly, It's a bit pointless, considering I don't go back and edit that which I've already published, as a rule.

The only exception to this, is when it's a formatting issue.

But still, thanks. I'll be sure to watch for those errors in the future. And who knows, I might go back and make a few edits, if I'm bored.

1156019

Actually, if you're sincerely interested. I could use a second set of eyes on the latest chapter of With Rainbow Hair.

1164856

Well, I haven't read any of that story yet, and not sure how soon I will, but I can if you don't need it done right away. I already had it on my list as one to look at, so I'll just move it up a bit.

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