Apr
13th
2013
Another cry for help! · 8:29pm Apr 13th, 2013
Once again, I must put out a call for editors. Particularly this week, I’m gonna need some real a-holes to look for any and all errors in my work.
The reason I’m putting out this call once again, is that so far, I’ve failed to find any usable assistance. A problem which I detailed here.
I’m asking anyone out there who’s able, to contact me with an offer to act as editor. I’m looking for real feedback here, not just confirmation that my work is fine. Detailed nitpicking, if you can. Anything else is useless to me.
I’d be very grateful for your assistance.
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BlackWidower · 476 views
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Well, I realize this journal is a couple months old, and commenting here probably isn't quite what you were looking for anyway, but I read the most recent chapters for A Waking Dragon and Sibling Rivalry on your site earlier, so I wrote down some corrections as I went through them. And apparently you just added another new chapter to Sibling Rivalry while I left this comment idling here all day, so I can do the same for chapter 13, if you want.
Sibling Rivalry, chapter 12
Rarity confusion --> should be "Rarity's".
“For the record,” Twilight explained. “I didn’t say anything.” --> Feels like it should be a comma instead of a period after "explained".
His mind abuzz with panic and fear. --> Most of your sentences that technically aren't complete seem intentional, but this one feels distracting.
His only hope, was to beg the two mares he loved for forgiveness. --> Comma seems unnecessary.
“What!?” He asked, as the wind flew across his face. --> "He" shouldn't be capitalized.
My right eye started inching --> "inching" should be "itching"?
the bolt of lighting that was targeted toward her. --> "targeted toward" just sounds a bit awkward to me.
When suddenly, Spike heard a sound. --> Seems odd to start a sentence with "When suddenly".
“Ow,” he responded. --> "he responded" just seems odd to describe the word "Ow" since it doesn't exactly sound like part of a conversation.
Also, almost every sentence has its own paragraph toward the end, making it feel a little too fragmented.
In A Waking Dragon, your scenes with conversation get a bit awkward at points with the reliance on speaking verbs. You vary what they are, but I think it would be a good idea to replace some of the "Dash explained" and "Spike replied" types of phrasing with some other indicator of who's talking. It might be partly because almost every time anyone speaks is just a quick sentence or two, so it ends up with rapid-fire switching between characters where the attribution words start to get distracting, especially ones like "interjected" or "explained" when it's not really an explanation.
A Waking Dragon, chapter 7
following behind one of his patents as she led himself --> Missing i in "patients".
“Ugh,” the weathermare explained. --> "Ugh" doesn't sound like an explanation.
“It can’t see us right?” Rainbow asked. --> Comma between "us" and "right".
“Oh, no,” Comet whispered. --> "oh no" usually isn't written with a comma, and including one makes it sound like a response to a question to me.
“I don’t believe this,” Shining responded. --> This sounds like it's spoken to no one specific, not a direct response.
Well, there is, Ambassador Dorin, the Neighponese Ambassador to Equestria.” --> This sentence is clutzy.
Their restless hooves trotted up and down the path. Driving Rarity insane. --> Should be one sentence with a comma.
before flying toward the group, and impacting the shield, sending out another series of cracks. --> The first comma seems unnecessary.
A pair of hooves landed a few feet away. --> A "pair of hooves"? Not the best word when there's 4 of them.
“It out flew me!” --> Not sure about this one, but I think "out flew" should be hyphenated.
the creatures eyes snapped open. --> Missing apostrophe.
he quickly realized where he was; the farmhouse at Sweet Apple Acres --> Semicolon should be a colon.
“Don’t try to get up, Spike,” Twilight explained, --> One of the spots where "explained" seems like a bad word choice.
“You sure little guy?” --> Comma between "sure" and "little".
“So, Rainbow,” Thunderlane said, interjecting. --> "said, interjecting" seems redundant, and "interject" is just a clunky word to use more than once in a great while.
Not sure how useful that was to you, but if that's all you want, I can keep doing that as I read updates.
1156019
Honestly, It's a bit pointless, considering I don't go back and edit that which I've already published, as a rule.
The only exception to this, is when it's a formatting issue.
But still, thanks. I'll be sure to watch for those errors in the future. And who knows, I might go back and make a few edits, if I'm bored.
1156019
Actually, if you're sincerely interested. I could use a second set of eyes on the latest chapter of With Rainbow Hair.
1164856
Well, I haven't read any of that story yet, and not sure how soon I will, but I can if you don't need it done right away. I already had it on my list as one to look at, so I'll just move it up a bit.