• Member Since 18th Jul, 2012
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More Blog Posts26

  • 181 weeks
    Jus in Inordinatio

    EDIT: After a conversation with a friend, I've been convinced that despite agreeing in principle with the points that television host Tucker Carlson makes in the portion of his commentary I've transcribed, expressing the points in my own way would be a better way to convey my thinking. That said, it seems right to retain what I'm no longer using via use of the "spoiler" tag so that a

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    8 comments · 219 views
  • 253 weeks
    Vignette Number One Complete

    I got the first of these planned side stories done and dusted, although I'm now trying to locate art that fits the story or that I could fiddle with to conform to the story. Something with Nightmare and Chrysalis in it, but not erotic because the story is pretty PG/PG-13. Maybe if anyone reads this, they can suggest an artist or some artwork. Point is, it'll be put up when I can find the right

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    0 comments · 226 views
  • 256 weeks
    A Minor Announcement, A Recommendation, and a Contemplation

    It has been quite a while since I've used this thing and I have a sneaking suspicion that a lack of chattering in blog posts is probably one of the many things I'm doing to sabotage myself as far as getting active interest and commentary on my writing. I suppose I just don't have a great deal to say, at least nothing that makes me think of opening a blog and posting something in it. Based on how

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    0 comments · 242 views
  • 433 weeks
    MLP Quiz, because I can.

    Fav Characters: Twilight Sparkle, Sunset Shimmer, Rainbow Dash
    Least Fav Characters: Pinkie Pie.
    Fav Background Pony: Vinyl Scratch
    Least Fav Background Pony: Canon Doctor Hooves.
    Fav Mane Six Member: Twilight Sparkle
    Least Fav Mane Six Member: Pinkie Pie.
    Fav CMC: Scootaloo.
    Least fav CMC: Sweetie Belle.
    Fav Princess: Luna.

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    0 comments · 440 views
  • 461 weeks
    Always #LikeAGirl

    Responding to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjJQBjWYDTs&feature=trueview-instream and especially the top comment by Jeffro Johnson:

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    8 comments · 394 views

Game of Worlds Review! · 10:17am Mar 17th, 2013

As anyone who watches the comments section of Game of Worlds knows, I recently got myself a professional critical review of the work from The Equestrian Critics Society. Because their format, schedule, and workload don't allow for a dialogue between author and reviewer, I have to turn to the greater mass of users on FimFiction.net to help me implement changes designed to address the criticisms made by arandompenguin, including helping me locate some of the erroneous or flawed material. In furtherance of this objective, I'll post both a link to the Game of Worlds Review and also provide my own minor commentary on some of the points covered therein. I emphasize, with all the force I can muster that any comments I make are not, and should not be construed, as a criticism of arandompenguin or his opinions. He's done a fantastic job, clearly has the patience of a saint to wade through both "The Empty Room" and Game of Worlds, and I'm flattered by his frank honest kindness.

DualThrone reminds me a fair amount of J. R. R. Tolkein in many respects. Probably most prominent is Throne’s descriptions. Immersive and interesting, there is a sense of an underlying world builder in this piece.

Needless to say, being compared favorably to an author with the stature and celebrated creativity of J. R. R. Tolkien is deeply humbling.

Unfortunately, much like Tolkein, his descriptions sometimes overpower the story telling, distracting from the plot at hand and making for a very beautiful image in the reader’s mind, but not much story to go with it.

Here is the first place where I, your humble author, need the aid of my loyal readers. Where are places that you folks see where arandompenguin's comment above would apply? And upon locating them, can you offer any advice for how they might be addressed?

Game of Worlds incorporates both the mane 6, and a wide variety of original characters that DualThrone develops. Chief amongst them is likely the character of Dawn. Without giving away too much of the plot, Dawn is a pretty major character in the grand scheme of things, and so her character development should be well thought out and believable. I believe that DualThrone has achieved this, Dawn is quick-witted and a well-rounded character with her own flaws. Reminiscent of Tony Stark from Iron Man, or Nathan from Misfits. The sort of people that would likely not be the most easy to get along with in person, but have their hearts in the right place, and are entertaining for everyone else.

Now, here's something that was clearly intended to compliment me but has instead caused me consternation. Dawn is intended as a tertiary character at best, a tag-along that's part of the adventure by virtue of being Twilight's sorta-kinda-twin sister. She is intended to be unimportant, inconsequential, and not particularly conducive to the plot in general, yet it appears that I've accidentally developed her far beyond the characters that actually ARE important to what's going on; I conclude this based on the fact that Dawn is given special mention as being particularly developed. Here, I'd like reader help in the form of explaining what makes Dawn stand out to them and what sort of development do they see in the character?

However, there are points scattered throughout the piece in which the characters state something that doesn’t seem to fit their character, and whilst they are spread far enough apart that they don’t subtract too much from the story, they still can take you out from the flow of the story for a moment, and thus you lose some of the great immersiveness that DualThrone had built up.

Here's my second major point of need, folks: I badly, badly need to locate the occasions that arandompenguin is referring to. Nothing bothers me more than explicit OOC when I'm reading a fan fiction piece, so I don't want such a thing anywhere in my own work. The problem is, what Mane Six characters say and do reflects how I personally understand them so I'm operating in this instance with full blinders on, unable to objectively perceive places where dialogue and actions don't fit established character traits. Help is needed, and joyfully accepted.

Overall then, Game of Worlds by DualThrone is a descriptive piece, one might note it as seeming akin to poetry is some places. There is a certain flow to it that carries you through and leaves you wanting more. And, whilst it is pretty long, and has the prerequisite of reading another story of even longer length, it is immersive and well-written. Yes, there are times when dialogue doesn’t rightly fit the character, the over descriptive manner detracts from the plot, or the overuse of punctuation pushes too much information onto the reader, but overall this fiction is a good read, and worth it, should you find yourself with enough time to read it.

And like his beginning, this flatters and humbles me immensely. :) I deeply appreciate arandompenguin's work, enthusiastically recommend him to any of you as a highly able consultant, and further recommend that you give the group he works with, The Equestrian Critics Society, a serious look. Thank you all, and good night! :twilightsmile:

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Comments ( 9 )

If you need help I'll gladly give it your story is one of my top five favorite stories on this site it's actually number 4 losing out only to CvBrony's Rites of Ascension, Mystic and Mundane by Equus Pallidus, and Myths and Birthrights by Tundara well to be more accurate you're currently tied for fourth with Cyborgsamurai's the power of harmony but I digress I've actually made a group for this sort of thing it's called the creation center if your interested.

926431 I am, and will investigate immediately.

926737 I'm still trying to get members but the main premise for the group is a place where writers can either give or get help with a story if you want help with something you can post a thread with the stuff you need help with or send a PM to me or one of the other members.

Thats great to hear that anrandompenguin gave your a story a good review, does mean you are going update story now!:pinkiehappy:

928940 As soon as I finish the chapter, yes.

929175 Awesome, simply awesome, I will be waiting for that to happen:pinkiehappy:

Quite late I know but I totally agree with Dawn seeming like a developed character, seems like we had some nice growth of character from the end of TER throughout this story.

Now it's been awhile since I've read the story(since your last update) but I didn't have any spots I thought were ooc, at least not in the context of the experiences they all dealt with in TER.


Quite late I know but I totally agree with Dawn seeming like a developed character, seems like we had some nice growth of character from the end of TER throughout this story.

It's never too late. :) And the big reason it surprises me is that I essentially work to make her very shallow and give he no character development or depth at all.. yet people regard her as well-developed by my work. I genuinely wish I could figure out how that works so I can do it deliberately.

I appreciate that. :) I still need to figure out what arandompenguin was talking about because the way the system works, I can call him up and ask him to do a follow-up review in which he'll be examining whether I fixed the problems from the first time through... which is hard to do if I don't know what he's talking about.

Now it's been awhile since I've read the story(since your last update)..

Yeah, there's a hang-up that I'm really struggling with, I can't find a way to move from where I am to where things need to go next. i'm also struggling with making the first reveal of a Big Bad appropriately epic.

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