Site Post » Reviews Round 16 · 12:02am Mar 17th, 2013
For us, the cloistered monks of Seattle's Angels, silence is the preeminent charism.
From our house of retreat on the shoals of Washington, we give witness to silence amidst the din and chatter of the city. Ceaseless motion is the way of the world, a headlong rush toward an ever-shifting goal that would not satisfy the human heart even if it were attainable; our way seeks rather to emulate the stillness and permanence of eternity. Our lives are as living monuments, speaking of silence to those deafened by the noise of what is termed civilization. And we experience great inner peace.
From our cells and our slumber we emerge each night at midnight to gather in the darkness and silence of our chapel, where for three hours we chant hymns together by candlelight. After another three hours of sleep, we arise at dawn. We take no breakfast; until noon, our food is meditation. We do not speak. Throughout the day, we work, maintaining even in the heat of activity the inner silence which is our vocation, until at sundown we gratefully retire to a light repast and the comfort of our cots.
This is our life.
On the rarest of occasions, our superior grants us leave to interact directly with the people of the outside world. Though we are not allowed to enter their homes or businesses, we are permitted to share our work with them, for the edification of all.
If you have a moment, then...
ROUND 16
Bananas and pineapples make for excellent story-telling. I mean, who doesn’t like reading about fruit?
7782 centers around one particular tribe of bananas and the story of how it rose to its current prominence. And it uses lots and lots of world-building to do so. From a reliance on shamans to a tribal culture, banana culture is wide and varied. Not only that, but it serves to set up the major conflict in the story simply by existing as it is. So our tribe of bananas has been living on their own for generations. Unfortunately for them, a number of recent disasters have put them on edge. The omens are bad, they say.
Enter Rag, the new banana shaman. He’s found himself forced to lead his people through these turbulent times. And this is where the world-building really shines. It all worked together to set up quite the conundrum for Rag. He’s found himself backed into a corner. But he is young and inexperienced. He’s feeling the pressures of leadership. He knows what he must do, but he’s worried about the uncertainty of it all. This strong conviction coupled with inexperience and constant worrying about his tribe’s future makes Rag shine as the hero.
Rag’s imperfections make him shine as not just a character, but a hero as well. Heroes aren’t always godly superhumans, treating each obstacle as if it were nothing. Sometimes, most of the time, they’re ordinary people like you and I who simply chose to fight instead of flee.
And all of this was the result of a crafty pineapple. Who woulda thunk?
Sweetness. It is diverse. There are almost as many ways of experiencing sweetness as there are people in the world. From the sweetness of grade-school puppy love which leaves its indelible impressions on a vulnerable child’s soul, to the sweetness of a caramel-glazed apple pie fresh from your mom’s microwave, hot ‘n’ ready in three minutes, to the sweetness of a cheap pineapple-flavored vodka you don’t know why you’re drinking at one in the morning, sweetness has a certain intrinsic, transcultural appeal that has stood the test of time.
Now, one specific sweetness that can often be found in fanfiction tends to express itself in a few ways (and the following statements of those expressions are not meant to describe every possible sweetness, but only a specific one, which these statements should be taken as defining): As sweet things are comforting, a sweet story generally has a happy resolution. As sweet things are familiar, a sweet story may make use of cliches of plot, dialogue, and characterization. And as sweet things evoke a sense of simplicity or even superficiality, a story may ignore the demands of realism in order to keep its conflict simple. This last statement is not meant to imply that a sweet story cannot be complex, at least on its surface—but it is to say that such stories, as a rule, for all their complexity, generally do not venture any deeper than the surface.
It is with these considerations in mind that I am going to call Seven Thousand, Seven Hundred and Eighty-Two a sweet story. Bear in mind that I do not mean, by making this assertion, to deny the complexity of its worldbuilding, or to suggest that it contains “fluffy”, happy-happy content that may be easily associated pejoratively with the word “sweet”. Rather, I mean to call attention to the fact that at the end of the day, what you have here is the story equivalent of a candy bar, or a slice of cake at best. Though it is made from high-quality ingredients, it is not nutritive; though it has an appealing facade, it cannot satisfy; though it can stimulate the soul, it cannot strengthen it.
But—what kind of complaint is that? Here in the great city of Fimfiction, in which there are more than seventy thousand users who cannot tell their right hand from their left, aren’t such failings commonplace? Am I not expecting too much?
Perhaps. I mean, let’s be clear here: every storytelling element of Seven Thousand, Seven Hundred and Eighty-Two is executed with a precisely reasonable amount of skill. There’s really not a lot to complain about: colorful characters, an exotic setting, an unusual conflict, fine pacing, even effective use of a framing device—all are present in this short story, which is high fantasy in the tradition, if it can be called tradition, of such books as Redwall.
Yet, here I am, complaining. What am I to do? I have a soul.
The lack of an enticing synopsis and cover image is usually the death of stories. Founder of a tribe? World-building competition? Surely nothing good can come out of it.
...is what we’d normally say, but it’s often in the form of these presentation potatoes that we find veritable gems.
7782 is written in the style of an epic. It is the tale of Rag, the tribe shaman, who has to make the momentous decision of moving the tribe after generations of prosperity, and what he finds out. The writing quality is solid; dialogue is written dynamically, descriptions are well written and certainly more than functional, and the only error that comes to mind is a missing period. The author achieves the respectable feat of making most characters distinct, no matter how minor they are - a particularly clever use of words, a single line:
On another day, perhaps he would have been climbing the rock to announce their betrothal...
establishes the character in question, Leaf, sufficiently so that she stands out as a character, without drawing attention away from the main proceedings.
As with a lot of our recommendations, this story also has a nifty twist ending. The story imagery suffers a little for it - Rag and his tribe, essentially almost everyone in the story, are given no description - but it’s a forgivable price for the payoff. And the epilogue also demonstrates surprising subtlety: one wry line reveals the hidden depth of character of its speaker, which just goes to show how much you can do with only a few words.
Overall, a pleasant, light read. This is pretty far removed from mainstream, standard or traditional fanfiction; anyone who’s looking to vary up their palette would do themselves good to give this one a shot.
I have no bias here at all, Casca. None! I swear! I regret nothing.
I know little to nothing about poetry. Thus, I can’t really comment on the technical aspects of the poem other than, “I liked it. It was pretty neat.” However, this doesn’t prevent me from commenting on the content of the poem. I’ll let Nietzsche deal with the technical aspects of it.
So what we have here is the story of why hyenas laugh. And, in case you hadn’t figured it out, it’s told in the form of a poem. The idea behind the poem is pretty simple. It’s goal is to relate a moral, in this case, why hyenas laugh, to hyena children. As such, it’s a pretty simple story to follow. No complex plot twists, no intricate character developments. It has one goal, and it accomplishes that goal efficiently.
However, despite this simple, almost cutesy, poem with its equally simple moral, there’s a much darker undertone at work here. It’s not quite as simple as it appears. Hyenas were brutes back in the day. They ravaged and pillaged the land so their Master could rule it. Then their Master went crazy and became sadistic. He enjoyed beating the hyenas just because he could. This darker undertone lends a lot more power to the tale. It makes it more meaningful to see just exactly what this laughter of theirs frees them from.
The chapter title sums it up well: Forever laughter, never fear.
When working as part of a team, it’s smart for each member to focus most on her or his most effective personal means of adding value to the group’s project. With that in mind, I thought I’d focus my review here specifically on the verse aspects of A Hyena’s Laugh, which is essentially a poem framed by a short scene (as the synopsis says) set in Twilight’s tree library. And, speaking of the synopsis, it provides a convenient starting-point for this discussion, as it consists entirely of the first two stanzas of the poem itself—which we’ll take a look at now:
The elders tell of times long past, when throughout the plains, hyenas massed.
Yet they were not as we are now; naught but beasts they were, strong, fierce, and fast.
And they acted as befits a beast—procreation, slaughter, feast—
Till a Monster came, we know not how. Through Him, lowliness soon ceased.
The rhyme scheme is ambitious, as it uses every line (aaba ccbc) in what amounts to a very loose iambic quadrameter. The first question, then, is: does this meter fit its subject-matter? In my opinion, it does. Whereas bog standard iambic pentameter couplets often ring pretentious (“Heroic verse!” the poet loudly declares), singsong-y quatrains are ideal for moving narrative poems forward in a simple and recognizable format that won’t distract the reader too much. Additionally, given the tragic nature of the poem’s narrative, it seems fitting that the final two lines of each quatrain do not rhyme with one another—the discomfort thus caused is appropriate and fitting for the subject.
With those initial remarks being made, there’s still the much larger question of the quality of the poem’s execution. And from the synopsis alone we can extract a few of the more conspicuous aspects of this poem.
First, what may be most obvious: the lines do not exactly follow the iambic quadrameter towards which they appear to have been written, and some lines are so divergent that they practically amount to free verse: “Naught but beasts they were, strong, fierce, and fast” is the clearest example of this in the quoted section. Throughout the poem, if we want to read the words in the rhythm which we naturally want to attribute to the poem, we are many times forced to read short words in combination as if they formed a single syllable: “What he asked” becomes “what-he asked”, “We would clamp” becomes “We-would clamp”, and so on. Another fairly consistent feature is omission of the initial unstressed syllable of a line, as in “Procreation, slaughter, feast”. Of course, neither of these qualities amounts to a flaw in and of itself; for us to insist as much would be a ridiculous dogmatism that cares for the letter of the law, or in this case the meter of the poem, more than its spirit. We would become like those of whom Alexander Pope wrote:
But most by numbers judge a poet's song;
And smooth or rough, with them is right or wrong:
In the bright Muse though thousand charms conspire,
Her voice is all these tuneful fools admire...
However, that being said, I do not see any such charms in the rough way many of these lines are constructed. Or, to put it another way: I see no artistic reason why the meter should not have been more strictly followed throughout the poem. In fact, the way the lines shift and wobble is disconcerting, and constantly distracting; I found myself rereading many lines just to get the intended scansion correct, as I’d often begin reading a line assuming it would go one way—say, that it would start with an unstressed syllable—only to get halfway through the line and find myself in the wrong. Nor did I find much intentionality in the discord of the lines with their meter, despite the fact that the poem’s subject would have easily been able to support such additional levels of meaning.
A second important aspect of the poem that is illustrated well in the synopsis is its reliance on high-sounding “poetic” language... you know the type. I bring this up not because it is very noteworthy in itself, as almost any MLP poetry you can find will likely attempt to use exactly the same sort of language, but to point out—for those who may be unaware—that there are alternatives. Poetry, in fact, can and does have the highest level of language versatility of any written medium. It is by nature the least constricted form of letters, not the most—and yet most everyone writes it as if they were born in Shakespeare’s time. Again, I consider it no great flaw on any fanfic poet’s part to use language such as this, but I can’t help wonder what potential was lost by putting the queen’s English into the mouth of a hyena: what more vivid forms of expression might not that hyena have possessed, given his exotic and (forgive the pun) spotted history?
Oi, I could say so much more, but I see I’m running long already. You may be able to guess the rest: there are the standard issues with stretching for rhymes, a few imprecise images, and black-and-white characterization, but nothing really bad or unusual. I approved this story for review because I thought it was definitely a bit different from what I normally see, and also because I think poetry in general needs more exposure in this fandom (and can I stand on my soapbox here for a minute? Fanfiction reviewers, don’t shun poetry out of hand—let me assure you, if you can edit fanfiction well, poetry is most certainly not “too subjective” for you to give constructive criticism on). A Hyena’s Laugh is very short, at just over 1600 words. Check it out if you’re interested in poetry.
>finish first story’s review
>feeling pretty good
>look at next one
>another world-building competition entry
>cue stare at C^2
Hyenas. Lion King did pretty good in establishing them in the minds of children everywhere that hyenas are some kind of giggly twitchy half-insane creature; what they actually are like, I have no need nor intention of finding out, but I’m sure there are some documentaries on Youtube which should assist the plight of the curious soul.
Like 7782, the main story is presented in a framing device. This works well, as the traditional third-person perspective introduction helps ease us into an understanding of the setup - Yaman, the hyena ambassador, pays a visit to Twilight Sparkle - whereas starting off with the poem would have been harder to palate up-front.
The idea behind A Hyena’s Laugh is simple: it explains why hyenas laugh, and defends it despite its unpleasantness to non-hyenas. The tale is in poem form; being as plebeian as they come when it comes to verse, rhyme and such, I can’t offer any more recommendation or criticism as far as “it read smoothly, it told what it wanted to tell, and I liked it”. The history of hyenas made brief is interesting, and the story doesn’t overstay its welcome - boiled down, it’s really just an interesting tidbit of world-building, written and presented in an unorthodox and therefore interesting way. Extrapolated a bit more, there’s a good moral at the end which could, should you take it to heart, make you at least smile a little.
It’s a quick little read and certainly worth the one minute or so. Go and give it a spin.
Human in Equestria, typically full of self-inserts and wish fulfillment. It doesn’t carry a wonderful reputation. Every so often, though, a good one comes along. And one thing in common with all of the good ones I’ve read so far is a reliance on strong characters. Through the Well of Pirene is no different.
The first chapter introduces us to Daphne. She appears to be your stereotypical teenage girl. She’s all about her appearance and shopping and texting and boyfriends. She cares not for the outdoors or watching her little sister. They are trivial and matter not. And I’ll be honest. I really didn’t like Daphne all that much. However, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Though I found her to be an annoying brat, she’s a strong character.
The story opens with Daphne getting forced to babysit her little sister, Amelia. Much to her dismay, Amelia wishes to go out in the woods and collect bugs. To make matters even worse, there’s no signal in the woods. The horror! 
But then buried memories start returning to Daphne during a game of hide and seek. This adds a new level of depth to her character and ultimately makes her much more interesting. You see, when she was a small child, much like Amelia, she played in these woods with a friend who just so happened to be a unicorn. This creates conflict within Daphne, and suddenly the main character has the personality and depth to carry the story.
Most stories stick with the original Daphne. They fail to add that extra element, that extra bit of depth that makes a character interesting. Ether Echoes has done just that. Combined with excellent pacing, EE has the beginnings of a grand tale full of magic, lore, and keeping up with current fashion trends.
I am still waiting for the definitive Human in Equestria story. The Odyssey of bronydom. The generation-defining epic that will sanctify, through the all-encompassing grace of art, all of the most intimate and ridiculous desires we express in half-formed ways through our own myriad mentally disturbed, poorly written self-insertion fics. When it comes, it will flash like lightning through the sky, and descend from heaven with a shout, and all the bronies of the earth will mourn.
I believe.
But until it comes, we have Through the Well of Pirene, an excellent character-focused fantasy that, at over 13,000 words, is just getting started.
There seems to be no limit to the potential of this story universe! The author has most wisely grounded his story very solidly in the real, ordinary, boring world of his characters, and because of this, the few fantastic elements that have been introduced so far shine with magic auras that seem all the brighter for their mundane surroundings. And the characters—is it possible to overestimate the benefits of deep characterization? A deep character seems real. A deep character is a home for the reader. Without a strong character to guide the reader, mere scenery and spectacles might be confused for a story’s subject, but if you make your characters real, you also remove the cartoon filter from those characters’ perceptions of their world, and thus you render their whole world sharper, in clearer focus.
There’s no more satisfying feeling that can be associated with a fantasy novel than that of being led into that scarily authentic (but temporary) conviction—that the events of the story world are really taking place—which is generally called suspension of disbelief. And it’s not a continual insistence upon “magic” which makes a world seem really magical (in fact, such worlds often seem more brutally scientific than our own); it’s the quiet contrast, the resonance of humanity in a character ringing at the turn of each page.
I’m not saying that Through the Well perfectly embodies this ideal. I think it makes a good attempt at it, maybe a great attempt, but definitely a good attempt. And I think that the author knows what he’s doing in attempting it. So I have no reservations about recommending this story to anyone, because what’s being written here is ambitious, and ambition counts for a lot in this fandom.
I’m pretty sure I’ve made this rant before in one shape or another, but the first step to making a HiE that isn’t terribad is to make the main character interesting. Being able to write with a strong, distinct narrator’s voice also helps.
If you were to ask me what my initial reaction to Pirene is, I’d tell you: apprehensive. 10k+ word reading assignments are far from easy, after all. But two paragraphs in, and I knew I was in for something good.
Daphne is a typical American girl. She’s got a stock kind of personality, seen in most stories - self-centred, somewhat sassy, but also intelligent and prone to fantasy, evidenced from a throwaway reference to Ralph Waldo Emerson and the lush, fondly-phrased descriptions of scenery. The way she’s written is excellent, hands-down. No question. Her personality comes through in every word, and the banter between her and her parents and sister are snappy and genuine. The descriptions are vivid and strong; where the previous two featured minimal scenery, this one has a rich trove of it, and I for one appreciate that.
She’s set to babysit her sister for the day. A walk in the park where she used to play triggers some old, patched-up memories. This is, if you would harden your hearts and stiffen your minds, exposition - but it’s written so intimately, so well-voiced and described, that there’s this ethereal quality to what would have otherwise been a long, drawn-out flashback. It’s a memory of magic past, and the result is something not quite as magical as it is haunting.
Amelia is the little sister. Giving her a perspective is an interesting authorial choice; while it adds to her depth as a character, it also poses the additional task of developing her as a full-on MC along with Daphne. Her voice is a little, but not all that different from Daphne’s; while it is distinct, I thought that it could have been made more distinct. No matter; her section is written solidly as well, and it is through her side that the start of the adventure begins.
This is a decidedly fresh story. It doesn’t cop out and just go with regular ponies. It goes with some kind of cat thing and some kind of dwarf people. It goes with unique races, new monsters, and witty dialogue. And that gave me a sense of just how large Ether Echoes’ world is, and how unfamiliar it will be - and where there’s unfamiliarity, there will be adventure.
While the two chapters published are merely introduction and setup, the quality exhibited is top-notch, the story is heartfelt and sincere, and there’s a vast amount of potential in this. There are only two flaws that come to mind: firstly, it requires a good deal of investment on behalf of the reader; secondly, it doesn’t quite return it seeing as it’s not complete. But this is something that definitely needs to go on to anyone’s reading list.
The hour is late; we are recalled to our monastery. We thank you for respecting our solitude. As we own no telephones or computers, you may write us at the address below, but the necessity of isolation from the world ordinarily requires us to abstain from responding; a regular exchange of correspondence would be incompatible with our unending pursuit of perfect silence.
Write to:
Angelic Monastery
4801 Literary Way
SEATTLE, Washington 98189
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Might check that last one out, it looks great.
925043
Do it.
Wonder if I'll ever get on one of these... it'd probably be better than hitting Featured.
...Anyone else gonna send a letter to that address? Because I'm totes gonna.
that poem was pretty
That first part I need to ask WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING AND WERE CAN I GET SOME
I feel like that closing section was a reference to one of the best jokes in Home Improvement, all it was missing was the gif.
Burraku Pansa!
Thanks a lot, that's a pretty glowing set of reviews!
Aaah, been waiting for that review round. Onwards ! To reading !
925094 I'll probably forward them all of the spam mail I get.
interesting offerings this time around. I wonder what magic was used to cause my eyes to miss them.
925094
I'll do it.
Thanks very much for this! And sorry for the technical quality, Nietzsche—I'm not an experienced poet by any stretch of imagination, and this was just meant to be a fun little thing for a competition. Still, very happy you all seemed to enjoy the content!
These reviews are quite professional. Now I have more of an idea of what to do when I myself want to give critique out.
925043
Yes, absolutely check that last one out
What's the selection process for these stories?
933423
Ah, let me direct you to our group where that very question is answered.
Seattle's Angels FiMfic Group
(check the FAQ section on the front page)
Aha! So THIS is where everypony has been coming from! I was a bit confused when a half-dozen favorites came flying out of nowhere.
Having seen the other kinds of fics that get featured in these review sessions, I feel like a gnome ushered in among giants.
Thank you all very much for giving me a bit of light. It means a lot to me.
937621
*gnome high five*
I totally get you. I was probably the last person I knew to know I had been featured here. Everyone was like 'congratulations!'
and I was like 'derp?' 