Mar
2nd
2013
Quickly my friends! I need reviews! I just made a one-shot for school! · 6:52pm Mar 2nd, 2013
I need some suggestions for my one-shot I had to write for my eng. class, It's a Aladdin/Magic Lamp type story that can be found here - The Keeper of The Wishes
Please help me... I've only got 3 out of the five parts I need written, I still have to have him walk into the treasure chamber, accompanied by the Boss and the eleven remaining workers [13 people still alive out of fifty in total] him finding the lamp, escaping the subterranean city, and returning home to better his family's life... -curls up in a ball- help me... [This is only being posted so I can work on the story, once it is finished, I'll be afk again....]
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The Keybrony Master · 410 views
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It's actually pretty good, the City of Shadows was an interesting prospect also.
You might want to proof read it once more, some words that are there, shouldn't be. Instead of "I stand" it should be "I stood" and a few other bits and pieces.
None are major problems and if you wouldn't mind, could you post your final product went your done? I really want to read this! 
I blogged!
883595 I hope to post the finished product, but am unsure whether it would be allowed as it has no connection to MLP and isn't a self-insert or OC story...
Oh, and I fixed a few of those errors! thanks for bringing it up...
885374 Brilliant mate! Thanks a ton.
888722 No problem bro, anything to help.
888900
and now... Workness... ah, shi... -facedesk- I'm so tired... 
I keep staying up till like three am to think and talk to friends...
888974 Well like I always say, shit happens. I have the same problem as well, so I know you pain bro.
889042 I'm also practicing my magic and card tricks often....
891958 That's great, I myself have been trying my hand at writing. If you have the time, could you give it a read over? I'd like your opinion on it. The story itself is called 'The Unknown...' Warning, it's kinda graphic and set in an anthro pony world.
892034 Psh! I played the Luna Games and read cupcakes when I wanted a laugh.
I love gore on occasion. as for anthro, my OC is anthro 80% of the time anyway, as he was born human... 
892034 I'll be sure to check it out.
892583 With your permission, maybe I use your OC for my story?
If i can, I'll need a detailed explaination of where he came from, his personal beliefs, weather he's good or evil (he can still be good with a twisted side too, or vise versa) his backstory and generally what he looks like.(if you could provide a pic, that'd be amazing.)
892839 My OC in a story? Besides one I edit? That'd be brilliant actually...
I believe I might have typed up a Desc. for him somewhere....
Ah, here it is!
Okay so, my Oc's... well I hope you won't hate him but here goes...
He's me up until my twenties, at which time he became involved in something that altered his body, causing cellular regeneration and immorality.
his mind began developing past the human norm, until he had the ability to use magic and gained several powers,
he began traveling through many of the worlds and places we regard as fiction (EG: Neverland, winnie the pooh, dragon ball, Bleach,
naruto, full metal alchemist, kingdom hearts, etc... basically anything mainstream except Twilight.)
While he traveled he developed powers native to those worlds, he can use alchemy, teleport, fly, alter himself and other's bodies,
uses a keyblade occasionally, make clones, use energy blasts (DBZ and Bleach type) any of the standardized magic from kingdom hearts.
After... I suppose millenia of travelling he got tired of protecting worlds that would always die... Then he crashed into Equestria. face first.
He woke up in fluttershy's cottage badly injured and being nursed by her, upon his awakening she had twilight summon the rest of the main six, The Doctor (whom he already knew and was friends with), and the princesses. He basically hung out in ponyville and became friends to everypony there,
but only a few know he is human because he used his magic to disguise himself... (this is why you might hate me) As an Alicorn.
I only chose alicorn because he constantly flies and uses magic in tandem while in human form. Otherwise he would have been one or the other...
his physical appearance as an alicorn is white in the body, with black mane, horn, wings, hooves, and tail. his hair is Sora's (kingdom hearts) but black.
a few questions you might have that I can answer
1.I chose the alicorn to prevent the awkward, ponies see him flying without wings scenario where they would freak out upon see a unicorn flying for no apparent reason, and the horn was so they wouldn't see a pegasi using magic for no discernible reason.
2.By immortal I mean Everliving, rather like a combination of Doctor Who's regeneration and Cell's (dragon ball z) cellular regeneration. He would have to be killed instantaneously, or be killed by a cursed object.
3.My OC can alter himself or others at any time, regardless of setting, as in he could turn into a dragon on a planet that has none, an elephant in the ocean, anthro or human in equestria, alicorn on earth, etc. or alter his companions, as he has done on a few occasions, such as making a pony anthro or human in order to blend in on another world.
4.It's not just standard KH magic, I meant ANYTHING and everything goes for this guy...
5. The Doctor mentioned in his backstory was indeed Doctor Who, they're good friends. He's saved the Doctor a regeneration on more than one occassion...
6.He is a warrior of light by nature, but if his friends are threatened or hurt he can, and will go insane on whoever hurt them, and on occasion become engulfed by the darkness in his heart and slaughter the offenders and anyone nearby who isn't a friend of his...
(Side note on my OC: he's been time traveling and visiting worlds for such a long time he's forgotten his own age. He could be a million or older, even I'm not sure how long he's been jumping through time erratically... also, not all worlds have the same day/month/year systems as earth, so he lost track of the time rather quickly despite his efforts to keep track.. He's the 'broken warrior' arch-type, he's seen so many worlds die that he's actually gone insane a few times, only to have The Doctor, Luna, (yes the equestrian princess, the two of them are in a relationship that came about when he first arrived in equestria, I'll tell you the tale if you want for background on their relationship...) and a few others manage to bring him back to himself. (also, as he visits parallel worlds and came from OUR earth, so he knows and has visited the worlds of cupcakes, molestia, basically anything meme related or internet based... which gives plenty of chances for him and pinkie to knowingly break the fourth wall while talking, in case you might want to use that in your story. Also, he can be called either Sora, or Archimedes [his middle name] whichever you want to use I suppose...) in case you are wondering, he visited the canon KH multiverse and integrated himself as Sora [imagine an actual first person video game player with Sora's {canon. not OC} body and my OC controlling] when Lea [axel] was revived, Roxas gained his own bodily form as well, seperate from either sora, [only one exists at a time, if my OC leaves, canon gains control of his body again as if nothing happens, and when he comes back he assumes control without the canon knowing about it.] roxas immediately took to [OC and canon] Sora, claiming him to be his 'big brother' [the revival of roxas is my OC's canon, but not KH's obviously...] and unbenownst to the others for quite a while Xion was revived as well, one day while visiting Twilight town, Lea found her atop the clock tower and reunited Xion and Roxas.
Sorry for the wall of text... -facedesk- I suck at minimizing my descriptions of my OC...
hopefully this can be of use to you.
-TKM
I will Definitely be using your OC, but I'm going to exclude somethings.
Here is what I'll be using:
Immortal.
He is an anthro alicorn, same discription as you wrote.
Super intelligent.
Well versed in magic and flying.
Came to equestria and founded by fluttershy.
In a relationship with luna.
Used to human, celluar change.
Well known throughout equestria.
Naturally good with a twisted evil side.
No distinguishing age, appears in his 20's.
Good friends with the Doctor.
Death nearly impossible.
I shall dub thy Archimedes, such a boss name.
About a quarter way through the story, He be fighting along side with John but captured by one of the main villians in the story. He'll be tortured but John will find him, and save him. The torture will leave Archimedes out of commision for a bit but he'll be up on his feet within a couple of days. I don't want to have him too maxed out because then if a giant threat rises, which it will, it's not really a threat. Archimedes will be included in the next few chapters. Hope you like what I come up with.
895136 My only regret with my OC is how OP he seems on any world that isn't insane, like the DBZ universe. There, he's strong as Goku, and has other powers he doesn't, such as Alchemy, but he tends to hold back like Goku as well...
I love the name Archimedes, both for its connotation with the Greek mathematician and philosopher of the same name, and its meaning. It's ancient Greek, translating as 'Master of Thought'. and as for your ideas, they sound awesome. Go for it. -brohoof-
-TKM