• Member Since 23rd Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Tuesday

Haku1013


More Blog Posts14

  • 347 weeks
    I tried

    I really did, I just want you guys to know that. Something I've learned in recent years though; just because you try your best, doesn't mean that you'll succeed. I'm sorry, I really am. I wanted to finish the story but I couldn't. Maybe one day I'll be able to do it, maybe. But until then, I Would Smile if I Could is officially cancelled. It's a sad day, and I would smile if I could. But I can't,

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    5 comments · 331 views
  • 352 weeks
    My Smiling Muscles Hurt

    Let's start off with some good news: In the past month, I actually managed to write some stuff for the story! Yay me!

    Bad news: It can't yet be called an update, and I probs won't finish it before midnight tonight.

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    5 comments · 187 views
  • 358 weeks
    I Would Maybe Smile if I Could, Possibly?

    Guess who's back after a serious bout with depression? This guy. Guess who's giving himself til the end of February to finish his most popular story ever? Also this guy. If I can't make the deadline, officially March 1st 12:01am, I will officially cancel the story. Here's hoping that that won't happen.

    5 comments · 342 views
  • 441 weeks
    Promises

    Hello dear peoples, Haku here. So... how y'all been?

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    7 comments · 389 views
  • 445 weeks
    1 Week is all I Need, Maybe

    Howdy y'all. So as many of you have noticed, it''s been roughly 3 months since my last update on IWSiIC, and I did say I would have the next update around here. I wasn't joking when I said "See you all in 3 months."

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    11 comments · 315 views
Feb
28th
2013

EqD: Strike 2 · 3:23am Feb 28th, 2013

I do not know why I have the form that I do, but I do not complain. I change my appearance with time, so that either my prey fears me most or so I can best look like them. I have always held the shape of a pony though, never anything else. My appendages come and go as well, appearing only when they need to. I myself don’t actually know where they come from or where they go, only that they appear when they need to.

This is awkwardly written. Try rewriting it, please.

I hear critters scurrying under the bushes and birds flying over my head. These animals fear me, I can feel it. Should I have to, I shall feed on one of them, but their fear is not what I yearn for. They will only be, as my prey say, a ‘snack.’ I see a rabbit run around my legs and I manage to capture it with an appendage.

Again... awkward phrasing.

An example of a good rewritten paragraph:

The sound of critters scurrying under the bushes and birds flying over my head reached me as I walked in the forest. If I have to, I will feed on one of them, but their fear is not what I yearn for. (perhaps feed off of would work here, too.) They will only be a "snack", as they say.

Seeing a rabbit run around my legs, I manage to capture it with an appendage...

Hopefully you get the idea on how to rewrite the sentences.

“It’s hurts,” the small one cries. A colt. Earth Pony. The other tries to calm him with silent humming.

"It's hurts" is really out of place here. I would check on the proper usage of possessives.

Also, rewrite it, as well. "It hurts," the small pony cries.

I'll leave the rest of that sentence up to you.

I can feel her fear. It is more than the young one has. I have always wondered why this is. Why is it that the one’s who are strongest fear me most? Is it because they know that even with all of their strength they could never defeat me? Or is it that they know they cannot be the ones to protect those that I hunt?

Misuse of possessives, again. Please change accordingly.

Overall issues:

-Your first person perspective works pretty well, though some parts seem awkwardly written.
-Try rewriting the sentences that I've pointed out. Alternatively, sound it out and see if it flows for you. If it feels weird, try rewriting it or removing it. Or adding on to it.
- Your story does seem to be pretty good, though... but please keep in mind that you should ask a few other editors and have them take a look at your work, if you're using only one editor.

Why is this? Because what one editor might not have an issue with, another would. So it goes with writing, because if you yourself don't see issues and others do... but don't know how to come to you and help you fix it... how are we to improve as writers?

That's all I've got to say, so hopefully you'll come back with this story with a better sense of flow.

Well, I've been meaning to go back and re-edit the story lately, at least now I have a reason to.

Report Haku1013 · 310 views ·
Comments ( 3 )

You are really good at first person stories my friend:ajsmug:

And usually write first person stories to:pinkiesmile:

I think you are a bit better than me
because some of my stories didn't likes as you have (I actually have a lot of likes but not many as yours)

Keep up the good work bro!:pinkiehappy:

He brought up good points, but perhaps I don't have the scrutinizing eye of an EQD pre-reader. I can look it over, though, if you'd like. Be the "extra eye".

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