EqD: Strike 2 · 3:23am Feb 28th, 2013
I do not know why I have the form that I do, but I do not complain. I change my appearance with time, so that either my prey fears me most or so I can best look like them. I have always held the shape of a pony though, never anything else. My appendages come and go as well, appearing only when they need to. I myself don’t actually know where they come from or where they go, only that they appear when they need to.
This is awkwardly written. Try rewriting it, please.
I hear critters scurrying under the bushes and birds flying over my head. These animals fear me, I can feel it. Should I have to, I shall feed on one of them, but their fear is not what I yearn for. They will only be, as my prey say, a ‘snack.’ I see a rabbit run around my legs and I manage to capture it with an appendage.
Again... awkward phrasing.
An example of a good rewritten paragraph:
The sound of critters scurrying under the bushes and birds flying over my head reached me as I walked in the forest. If I have to, I will feed on one of them, but their fear is not what I yearn for. (perhaps feed off of would work here, too.) They will only be a "snack", as they say.
Seeing a rabbit run around my legs, I manage to capture it with an appendage...
Hopefully you get the idea on how to rewrite the sentences.
“It’s hurts,” the small one cries. A colt. Earth Pony. The other tries to calm him with silent humming.
"It's hurts" is really out of place here. I would check on the proper usage of possessives.
Also, rewrite it, as well. "It hurts," the small pony cries.
I'll leave the rest of that sentence up to you.
I can feel her fear. It is more than the young one has. I have always wondered why this is. Why is it that the one’s who are strongest fear me most? Is it because they know that even with all of their strength they could never defeat me? Or is it that they know they cannot be the ones to protect those that I hunt?
Misuse of possessives, again. Please change accordingly.
Overall issues:
-Your first person perspective works pretty well, though some parts seem awkwardly written.
-Try rewriting the sentences that I've pointed out. Alternatively, sound it out and see if it flows for you. If it feels weird, try rewriting it or removing it. Or adding on to it.
- Your story does seem to be pretty good, though... but please keep in mind that you should ask a few other editors and have them take a look at your work, if you're using only one editor.Why is this? Because what one editor might not have an issue with, another would. So it goes with writing, because if you yourself don't see issues and others do... but don't know how to come to you and help you fix it... how are we to improve as writers?
That's all I've got to say, so hopefully you'll come back with this story with a better sense of flow.
Well, I've been meaning to go back and re-edit the story lately, at least now I have a reason to.
First
You are really good at first person stories my friend
And usually write first person stories to
I think you are a bit better than me
because some of my stories didn't likes as you have (I actually have a lot of likes but not many as yours)
Keep up the good work bro!
He brought up good points, but perhaps I don't have the scrutinizing eye of an EQD pre-reader. I can look it over, though, if you'd like. Be the "extra eye".