SSR: The Queen of Hearts

Did you read Chroma? Well, if not, then what the fuck are you doing here, little drone? Go and do your duty! I'll wait!

Okay. Did you like how I inserted Chrysalis? As a slightly sociopathic, hive-focused queen, whose only intent is the greater good? And how she actually had just been spinning a twenty-year-plot to finally take over known Equestria, except maybe she hasn't, but then she has again, and then she succeeds, but then she fails again- Bwuargaa! I'll admit, the plot is kind of hard to follow and the fic as a whole is really pointless.

So on that note, here's The Queen of Hearts.

What in the... I need to fire my DJ. Seriously.

There are many ways in which I could begin my review here. But, given that it's half past one here, let's take the lazy route and have a little reading session, shall we?

“Ms. Miss Pincher! There are some customers waiting for you!”

“On it, Mr. Mister Dovey!” Penny Pincher was grumbling as she made her way to the table. Penny Pincher was a copper colored unicorn in her twenties with an orange mane and a cutie mark of two bits. Reformulate, ex: "She was a copper coloured unicorn about twenty years of age" etc. At least that was how she appeared to everypony else. In reality she was in fact <- redundant far different, not even a pony. She was actually a changeling, the queen of changelings supporting adjective would fit. Or At least, she was had been? until almost three months ago. Link prev. two sentences?

After she had returned home from a humiliating defeat at Canterlot, she was had been immediately stripped of her title and then sounds simultaneous, doesn't it? sentenced into exile by who? Why?. She had hidden herself among the citizens of Manehatten Manehattan, hearing that it was a romantic town city for honeymooners, and had redundant taken employment in a small restaurant called Lovey Dovey’s Love Café. It paid less than other venues and all the customers didn’t carry enough love to sustain her hunger. It felt like a dead end for her.

3.5 - See me

Yeah. Facing such a thing, I'm honestly already inclined to simply call the fic shit and it a day. What? I can't do that again yet? God dammit.
Okay, let's read on then.

Okay. So, let's get a few things out of the way. Anything that comes even close to feature box is automatically shitty in my books. I need to undergo heavy surgery just above the age of 18, perhaps sooner than expected. I will have exams which I must not fail, starting, let me think... three days from now on. I genuinely think that Twilight Princess is the best dress Zelda has ever put on, partially, but not only, because it features actual fucking humans instead of various shapes and sizes varying between one and three meters. And I am a cinnamon twist. So now that that's done...

I came into this fic biased against it. As mentioned, fuckture box, it's a matter of guesswork to find out anything about the author, and her English is meh,-but-not-bad-enough-to-make-fun-of-it. Not to mention the Chrysalis x Pinkie Pie ship that's inevitably going to occur. Allow me to travel back in time and repeat the words which I adressed towards the Valve-productive zel-san. Ah-hem!

Chrysalis x Pinkie Pie
[18.01.2013 22:58:16] Toraka: Out of all the fiction I've read, and I've been reading for about 1.5 years, this is literally the most retarded I've ever had the displeasure to see.
[18.01.2013 22:58:40] Toraka: Including my own.

That being said, I quite like the idea of a cynical, not commonly used pony with quite pluspar powers descending from their high position (in England, of course) to come to Ponyville and slowly, but always learning the importance of friendship and falling in love with a Mane 6. Where have I seen this before though? Other than in every piece of fandom ever?

Sigh. You know, it feels weird to get mad at this fic, as it is quite clear that the dude is genuinely trying her best, and even succeeding at some points, even if it is not diversive language. Or any kind of language at all, really. Still, the description's nice (who would've guessed to ever read those words from me?), the format is readable, even if it occasionally falls into quite lengthy paragraphs, and the characterisation is done well, I have to admit. Not perfectly, of course, for anything to be allowed to call itself that, it'd first have to introduce an OC, then spend 128'808 words explaining how and why she goes and does crap (literally, also), and have every single word of that form a single, consistent OC, with development. Sadly, you don't see that very often.

Isn't it amazing that I can type down SatN's url by heart? Alright, alright, back to reviewing. As mentioned, she captures the essence of Chrysalis being a misanthropic, psychopathic dickhead quite nicely, though occasionally I feel she is being too much of a dickhead, even when there are less suspicious options available. What did she do all that gold digging for if she's just gonna pull the same fucking trick over and over again and never spend any kind of money?

Oh, and the inconsitencies I've criticised in my teacher mode sequence are corrected later, so that's one for Team Retard, I guess. Go Team Retard!

If I have to dig that deep for things to criticise, doesn't that say something? You're right, better get a diamond shovel!

It was almost at the end of the fic, when it bends canon just that little bit to allow Soarin to fulfill every chan ever's dream on a daily basis, thrice, and at the same time reuses elements that weren't funny even when they occured in the show itself, that I realised something. Exactly why I'm having a hard time hating on this fic. It reminds me of SatN. In fact, it's not like SatN for me, it is SatN!

So now that we have that, it's easy to find more things to hate on. It dramatically talks around the issue, at any and all times, the main character basically never shows weakness, its pacing leans just a little bit on the fast side, and it won't allow something to leave my head. What, you ask? Well, that.

Staff Edit: NSFW content replaced with TacoDog.

My, knighty will sue me for putting that up. After all, there could be minors coming to this blog post - as if. And again, I am a cinnamon twist. I can't be sued. And even if he tries, I'll just mention that I need to HAVE MY LEG SAWED APART. That always helps.

Really, it's hard to fixate any staying opinion on this matter, especially with the old memories haunting through my mind. Memories of simpler times, with fewer worries, of my dallies with emotions... with her.
But that's a story for another time.

Again, there's the language and that it's obviously trying to be SatN and fuck does that joint hurt and I really need to clop to reach a better mind again, but it's all balanced by the fic being actually kind of fucking awesome at other places. No, don't let that get to your head, newbie author!

So, quick, formulate an opinion! Uh, what else do we have? Apparently, he quite likes Pumpernickel... why? I hate those! They taste like simply pulling out a shovel of grain, including dirt and brain-eating parasites! So I guess the fic is bad because it likes Pumpernickel. Yes I can be petty!

Work it better, do it harder, make it stronger, more than never...

Was on the grid. Returned bored.
Mirage 'Toraka' Sparkle

So for the next two weeks, you'll have me producing nothing and whining about exams. Could you picture any more fun?

Did you know that writing a novel can serve as a universal excuse for doing nothing in class? It's true, just have a little presentable and even the German teacher will let you off because apparently producing anything in a non-native language at a rate of more than 300 words a day is considered a feat.