Story Reviews » Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCLXXXVIII · 10:09pm June 26th
Huh. Would you look at that. Barring someone posting something within the next ten minutes, it appears I am the only face in the news feed as of today. Does that make me the face of FIMFiction?
It's a slow news week for me, so I'll be jumping straight to the reviews this time. Let us, as the kids say, "go".
Stories for This Week:
Forward by Dconstructed Reconstruct
Jade's Adventure by Ni-kun
Maid Up by Some Leech
Tarnished Silver by HamGravy
Urban Wilds by Rambling Writer
The Autobiography of Spring Twister by SpringyTwist
Fall into Nightmare by Math Spook
Lady Singularity by The Lady
She Dap by Carapace
Sugar and Spice by TheLegendaryBillCipher
Total Word Count: 169,284
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 4
Worth It: 4
Needs Work: 0
None: 1
Forward
5,929 Words
By Dconstructed Reconstruct
Published February 2017
A changeling in exile was living life just fine until Chrysalis decided to invade Canterlot. Now the love bomb’s dumped him somewhere in the Everfree Forest. Getting home shouldn’t be too hard, right?
This didn’t go at all like I anticipated. The first two chapters are entirely setup, one showing him waking up in the Everfree and the second a flashback to how he got there in the first place. Curiously, the author actually labels these as chapter one and zero, in that order, which makes me wonder if they originally had them in one order but flipped it later and forgot to update the chapter titles.
Then things start to get weird. There was a brief moment where I thought the story was going to end up referencing the Story of the Blanks. The setup was perfect for it and the situation was eerily similar, but it felt like an odd time to do something like that considering it was practically the end of the story. It ends up not being that, but instead some sort of dream sequence – with the surprising implication that Queen Chrysalis can walk dreams like a certain Princess of the Night.
This was a strange story. I think it’s primary failing is the pacing, which feels extremely fast considering everything that’s going on. It strikes me that there’s a lot we’re missing or, at the very least more that could have been done with the overarching concept. There’s an idea here, one that could work well with some character exploration and growth, but instead it just throws things at us and expects us to accept them as-is.
None of this is to say that the story is bad. It’s really not. I just feel like it could have been presented better. Perhaps we can blame this on how the story was written for an EFNW Scribblefest, which may have put too many limitations on the author.
Give it a go if you want something a little different. Whether it’s a ‘good’ different will be up to individual interpretation.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Jade's Adventure
5,496 Words
By Ni-kun
Published July 2016
Queen Chrysalis has found a way to hypnotize creatures into following her, and thus is waging war against Equestria with its own citizens. When the battle goes poorly, Celestia sends Jade Hardstone to locate the Hidden Jewel of Good Luck, the only thing that might win the war.
Ouch. Ow, ow, ow, my eyes. What did I just read?
Let's start with the worst part in all of this. You see that cover art, right? That's clearly a Stable Suit from the Fallout: Equestria universe. So clearly, this must be a FO:E story, right? Well, when you read the opening note, yeah, it's meant to be. There's just one problem:
I know nothing about Fallout: Equestria, only that there's technology and fighting involved.
You're reading that right. By their own admission, Ni-kun decided to write a FO:E story while knowing exactly nothing whatsoever about FO:E. So yeah, forget everything FO:E about this story, it is completely unrelated.
As if that's not bad enough, the story is capital-T Terrible. Let's start with the obvious question: who is Jade Hardstone? Well, you certainly know what she looks like, because the very first paragraph is a detailed description of her appearance and a vague statement that her cutie mark is for being "as dangerous or as helpful as so chose to be." But note, it's only her appearance and cutie mark. Who is she as an individual? Why is Celestia talking to her like some trusted confidant? Why is it that when Chrysalis seriously harms Celestia, Celestia in turn tells not Twilight Sparkle & Co. or any other notable figure but instead Jade to go on this mission? Why does Jade get this super-hi-tech camo-armor (maybe meant to be Ni-kun's answer to power armor)? There will be no answers to any of this. Jade just gets dropped into the action and you're not supposed to ask about her backstory.
Things only get worse from there. Take Flurry Heart, who teleports to Jade's location out of the blue and declares that she doesn't want to fight in the war, she'd rather go on an epic adventure with Jade because she's never had the chance to go on one before. Because, y'know, she wasn't just in the middle of an epic battle for Equestria ten seconds ago.
Oh, and the first threat they encounter is a male lamia who manages to hypnotize them. By the way, Flurry Heart has never even heard of hypnotization until this specific encounter. Please ignore the fact that this entire story is predicated on Chrysalis having hypnotized half of Equestria, no, Flurry has no idea what that word means!
And then this lamia, who was apparently hired to defeat Jade and Flurry Heart, uh... tells them to give him a means to permanently feed? So hypnotized Flurry Heart manages to make him a magical bowl that gives him infinite food and water while Jade uses her hi-tech suit to instantly create an all-in-one microwave/refrigerator. The lamia declares that his needs are all met and... let's them go? Yeah, he just let's them go. And after they're gone, he somehow pulls out a portable radio and declares to some nebulous figure that he has "failed his mission" while suddenly appearing stereotypically evil for no apparent reason.
Where was he hiding the portable radio? If the whole point of him being there was to stop Jade and Flurry Heart, why is he letting them go? And why is he only taking on an evil appearance after doing so? While we're at it, if Flurry Heart is a capable enough mage to create infinite food, why am I supposed to believe that she can't use magic to deal with Chrysalis's hypnotism, which has never been properly explained in the first place? Oh, oh, wait, here's something really worth a facepalm:
Jade then used her suit to create a tiny box out of thin air. ((Don’t ask me how!))
Let's all do it at once, shall we? Three, two, one... 
Yes, that really is Ni-kun using colored text to insert themselves into the story to declare that they have no idea how or why Jade can do this thing that she just did. This is neither the first nor last time we'll see this happen in-story and it is cringe every time.
Jade and Flurry Heart will also encounter a spider-pony whose whole plan is to wrap them in a web and then walk away, making no attempt to stop them from escaping when Flurry inevitably realizes that said web does nothing whatsoever to block her from using, y'know, magic. Both this spider-pony and the lamia use mysteriously available portable radios (how do they replace the batteries?) to contact a "boss" who is supposed to be the final obstacle to acquiring the Jewel of Good Luck. Except they encounter this boss and... it was... a dream? That's right, yes, Ni-kun declares that the fatal encounter with the final boss of the Everfree Forest was nothing more than a dream sequence and never really happened.
...So who the heck was the lamia and spider-pony contacting on their radios? The answer is: shut up.
Oh, and in the midst of all of this, recall that Jade and Flurry Heart and supposed to be looking for the Jewel of Good Luck. The catch: they have no idea where it is. They literally went to the Everfree to look for it because they had no better ideas. Which begs the question of who it is that's trying to stop them, how they knew they'd be there, and how it is that Jade and Flurry just so happen to be going in the exact direction they need to to encounter all these obstacles to getting it purely by luck and zero guidance from anything or anyone. Also, at no point whatsoever are these creatures standing between Jade and Flurry and the Jewel ever directly tied to Chrysalis, who is supposed to be the villain of the piece.
Okay, I'm going to stop now. There's more going on with this story worth criticizing – a lot more – but I've already blown 45 minutes on this review and I really should be doing something more productive with my time. This story has one thing, and only one thing going for: it's is remarkably clean from a grammar/typo perspective. Seriously, I've seen way better stories by vastly superior authors have more typos and editing mistakes than what this has. But the story itself is a nonstop stream of complete nonsense, looking upon plot logic in the same way Discord might look upon a perfectly ordered and organized library. It's almost laughably bad, and that's before you consider the high crime of trying to link it to Fallout: Equestria while giving it nothing remotely related to said franchise.
I don't give my lowest rating very often, but I feel like Ni-kun has earned it. Which might be an achievement unto itself, I suppose.
Bookshelf: None
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Maid Up
5,125 Words
By Some Leech
Sequel to Humbling Healthcare
Published March 2023
After having been thoroughly humiliated by Celestia and Luna again, Chrysalis has devised her latest, most devious plan: infiltrate Canterlot Castle's staff as a maid to uncover the princesses' secrets! She's been at it for a couple months now, but this morning is going to be very different.
This one is a little different from its predecessors, both of which involved some silly trope and making it as silly as possible. The first was nonsensical obesity, the second involved a hot nurse. The trope this time is maid outfits, but it's not nearly as silly as what came before.
Anyway, the story jumps right in, skipping the planning phase in favor of having Chrysalis already in Canterlot and doing her espionage thing. For reasons she can't imagine, Celestia has decided to 'borrow' her from the waitstaff for breakfast. Much of this involves Celestia teasing Chrysalis by making some naughty suggestions, such as declaring she should be wearing a skimpier version of the maid outfit and forcing the disguised Chrysalis to feed her (and be fed in turn).
Then Celestia steps away for a bit, and Luna shows up. Luna, who utterly destroyed Chrysalis the last time they tangled (see "hot nurse" situation mentioned above). Not only that, but Luna calmly announces that she and Celestia knew that Chrysalis was in town the moment she stepped hoof on the mountain and the only reason she wasn't immediately ejected like so much trash is because Celestia is oddly, inadvisably fond of her. Now Chrysalis faces a choice: flee back to the Hive with her tail tucked between her legs or stick around and try to take advantage of this "fondness" at extreme risk to her physical and mental health. Decisions, decisions...
As I said, this isn't near as silly as what came before, and Some Leech seems to have abandoned the over-the-top ridiculousness present in the original story. In its place is the situational humor of Chrysalis being made a fool by Celestia and her own regular attempts to create more... 'villain-approved' explanations for her ongoing decisions. Whether that is an improvement or not is going to depend upon individual taste. Personally, I'm glad the extreme goofiness is gone, but on the other I don't mind a little goofiness, so this is something of a mixed bag for me.
Regardless, I see no reason not to keep going. We shall see what trope the next story has for us.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Far From the Limelight — Pretty Good
M.A.D. — Worth It
Humbling Healthcare — Worth It
Tarnished Silver
9,185 Words
By HamGravy
Sequel to Rarity's Garden
Published June 2012
Silver Spoon loves power, and so she loves Diamond Tiara. She loves to see her hurt others for no reason except that she can, and loves it even more when that hurt is directed at Silver herself. But one day Diamond visits Silver in a state of utter ruin, broken and beaten and sodomized. A pony out there has just shattered Diamond's crown, and Silver wants nothing more than to be next. Thus does she decide to pay a visit to Carousel Boutique...
In the previous story we get to see the birth of a monster named Rarity. Having faced abuse of many varieties from her parents, she grows up to become a sadist and pedophile, getting her kicks from raping and breaking the local children. Silver Spoon, we discover, is a masochist, and upon discovering Rarity's behavior decides that she must become Rarity's newest toy.
Needless to say, this story's audience will be extremely limited. The only reason I read it at all is to get context for the final story in this series, but to be clear: this goes far beyond pedophilia. It is brutal in multiple ways. It's not sadomasochism as most people imagine it. What Rarity is doing to foals is genuine torture, hideous and described in vicious detail. The squeamish need not apply.
If you can see past that: this is extremely well-written. HamGravy really gets into Silver's head and clarifies her messed up thoughts, and the pain she's going through is by no means hidden. You can dismiss this story as being a sex-centric, pedophilic romp (and I wouldn't blame you), but the way it is written implies that it is leading to something else down the line, and I very much hope that is the case.
I can't rate this highly. Part of that is because the overabundant sex will turn people off. Another, major part is that the hideous combination of pedophilia with dangerously extreme S&M will turn off significantly more people. But the high quality of the writing combined with the clear indication of a more complex story in the future definitely has me wishing to continue. I've gotten on this insane train, I might as well see where it's going.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Rarity's Garden — Pretty Good
Urban Wilds
75,448 Words
By Rambling Writer
Sequel to Hinterlands
Published November 2021 - January 2022
Amanita has spent the last two years in a Crystal Empire prison. Her crime? Necromancy. Yet she’s not the evil monster most ponies associate with necromancers, and certain figures in high places – like one Shining Armor – knows it. Thus is she set free for time served and good behavior. Her good friend Bitterroot brings her to Canterlot to recoup and try to live again. You would know this would happen right when the city’s streets are being stalked by a serial killer known as the Mearhwolf.
Hinterlands was a top-tier story about a pack of bounty hunters trying not to go at one another’s throats as they pursued a necromancer. There was very little of this thing called ‘plot armor’; it was brutal, bloody, and unapologetic. This is set two years later, with the necromancer in question officially reformed and back on the streets. Amanita isn’t quite healed yet psychologically though, having deep fears related to her past activities.
But for all the horror she went through, there’s a silver lining. There’s a serial killer on the loose in Canterlot, and if a dead body has been around for three days or less then Amanita can bring them back. Not as undead, not as thralls, but for real, completely healed and ready to go back to their perfectly normal lives. The value this brings to the Royal Guard is incalculable, and so Bitterroot – professional bounty hunter and Amanita’s only real friend left in the world – takes her to the palace.
The story has two alternating primary elements, both of which build off the other. The first is, of course, the hunt for the Mearhwolf and all that entails. This is more Bitterroot’s area and involves exploring Canterlot’s (literally) shady underbelly, although Amanita helps by resurrecting or otherwise seancing the Mearhwolf’s victims for obvious purposes. The second half of the story involves Amanita’s gradually improving mental health as she finds again and again that there is a practical, ethical, non-evil way to use her necromancy. This was the true purpose of the story, and it does it well.
Also, we’re introduced to Colonel High Ritualist Doctor Restricted Code. I loved everything about this earth pony. She’s a no-nonsense specialist who gets genuinely insulted to the point of fury by stupid ponies trying to do smart things. She’s imminently capable, can put the fear of Luna into anyone despite her diminutive size, and her favorite weapon against dark magic is… throwing eggs. While loudly proclaiming the fact. You’d be shocked at how effective it is. I love Amanita, I enjoy Bitterroot, but Code stole the show with her every scene. I pray to all the princesses and one queen that she makes an appearance in the sequel.
One thing of note is that this story’s mystery isn’t so centric as it was for Hinterlands. I figured out what the Mearhwolf was trying to do by the time we got to the bookstore, as well as who was responsible (albeit generally, not specifically). This is fine, because it’s clear this time that the mystery isn’t the point – Amanita is – and I’m reasonably sure Rambling Writer wasn’t trying to make the mystery very hard.
Another nice dynamic here is the complete rewriting of the rules. This is something that ponies like Bitterroot and Code grasp very quickly but a lot of other characters don’t. Essentially, when you’ve got a necromancer on the side of Good for once, death is no longer the horrifying prospect it used to be. Rambling Writer makes use of this to great effect… so long as you’re willing to ignore the deeper consequences that could stem from this.
Oh, and we get to see some of Amanita’s past, particularly her education under Circe and what finally drove her to abandon her sociopathic teacher. This is told in the form of flashbacks as Amanita recalls these events at relevant times. It was good to get to see this, even if I feel it might have been more fun (so to speak) to witness as a prequel.
I’m mildly disappointed that Amanita didn’t get the opportunity to meet Princess Twilight. I mean, I get why that didn’t happen. It would at best be a distraction. Still, I’d like to see these two interact someday. Ditto for Twilight and Code, which clearly happens from time to time.
Interestingly, I think this may be a story you could read on its own. True, you’d miss a lot of context behind Bitterroot and Amanita’s relationship and history together, but as long as you can run with the idea of these two being old friends from opposite sides of the law you might be okay. Rambling Writer makes sure to add some of the more important elements from the past – Amanita’s past being the primary here – such that a more open-minded individual could take it all in fairly easily. I’d still recommend reading Hinterlands first, but I’m not sure you have to.
Is this as good as Hinterlands? Despite Hinterlands suffering the great deficiency of not having Code in it, I have to say no, Hinterlands is the better story. It’s a far more intense, disturbing tale, a wild train ride that refused to stop until the inevitable crash. Urban Wilds feels like a pit stop. An extremely important pit stop, one that helps solidify some elements left behind by Hinterlands and preps our characters for the next step, but still only a pit stop. This doesn’t hurt things in my eyes though, as I am very much looking forward to said sequel.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Black Between the Stars — WHYRTY?
Before Closing — Pretty Good
Rigid — Pretty Good
A Break in the Clouds — Pretty Good
Interesting Times — Pretty Good
The Autobiography of Spring Twister
43,706 Words (Incomplete)
By SpringyTwist
Requested by SpringyTwist
Published February - March 2025
Spring Twister is miserable. Misery loves company. Thus, she decides to write an autobiography-journal-book-thingy. Maybe it'll act as some sort of therapy.
It's not a joke, Spring Twister really is a miserable individual. She hates herself and her parents, and tends to be so depressed that she wastes a lot of time just staring blankly or something of that sort because it's easier than thinking about her life. There are some good elements, if she can stay positive long enough to remember them. She's a business owner, for example, and her kid sister is the light of an otherwise bleak life. But alas, Spring is one of those characters who can't look at the bright side of things for very long, instead centering much of her attention on how everything sucks. Being an unrepentant optimist, I think her approach to life might be antithetical to my entire existence; her constant negativity really rubs me the wrong way.
The more you read, however, the more you realize that there's a reason she is this way. She was born with "broken" wings such that she's incapable of flying, and this drove her parents to treat her like trash. Her mother is narcissistic, and though there's evidence to the contrary she might even be psychopathic; literally everything that happens in her life must be perfectly controlled to reflect well on her, and her family exists only as an extension of that pursuit. Her father, meanwhile, is an alcoholic failed athlete too pussywhipped to stand up to his wife and regularly takes his frustrations out on his daughter. The endless stream of verbal abuse that defined the first twelve years of Spring's life are harrowing, and that's just the start.
I can safely say I've never read a cutie mark story this tragic.
I have mixed feelings about SpringyTwist's writing style. They tend to write in these long paragraphs. Not overlong, mind you, it's not a wall of text. It does tend to come off as more dense than it actually is though, which can make the slower parts feel like a bit of a trudge. Yet when the big moments happen, the author captures the hideousness of the events with surprising aplomb. Each turning point is riveting, making it hard to look away from this train wreck of a family. I'd like to describe some of those moments, but that feels too spoilery. Just know that Spring has some truly shitty parents and it's not hard to imagine that she'd grow up to be so negative about herself. I'm not sure I've ever seen a pair so genuinely toxic.
Again, not everything is horrible. There's Spring's exploration of her special talent and how it helps to resolve at least some problems stemming from her birth defect. There's her adoration of her little sister. And I'm betting when the story finally gets to how she opened her own business that may be quite positive too, even if in the present it appears to be struggling.
My only issue right now is that I question where SpringyTwist is going with it. Spring Twister is apparently writing this "journal/autobiography/vent piece" for the sake of boredom and a half-ass hope that it'll serve as self-therapy. At the time of writing she's not in a good place, which is clearly the standard for her. What is it building towards? If SpringyTwist is the sort of author who likes being grim for the sake of it then I can actually see this leading to a very negative conclusion. Yet there are some cheerful moments in the story, which are evidence enough that this journaling experience could prove therapeutic to the 'author' and lead to a positive outcome. It's impossible to even guess at though, because Spring's life outside of the autobiography is distressingly static.
Oh, yes, the story of her foalhood is appropriately tragic and has these interesting things happening, but what of the 33-year-old pony writing it? The most she does is react to her own writing. I have to wonder if SpringyTwist has any intention of evolving her character outside the autobiography. After all, every chapter has portions devoted to what is happening to her in the present, and why would you write this story in such a way if you weren't going to make what happens in this present pertinent to the overarching narrative? Granted, there's nothing saying SpringyTwist has to do anything in this regard, but I feel as though that would be a lost opportunity.
The other thing I wonder about is the whole "improving author" thing. SpringyTwist clarifies in the first chapter that Spring Twister writes poorly at the start and will get better over time and with practice. Even acknowledging that 99% of the audience isn't going to notice or care, that's going to be hard to pull off believably. It requires a writer who is extremely well-versed in grammar (and common grammar mistakes). Is SpringyTwist advanced enough as a writer to do this? If Spring Twister is still supposed to be evolving and getting better at writing by Chapter 13 (when I stopped), then the answer is "maybe". If Spring Twister is supposed to have improved and be solid in her writing by that point, then the answer is "absolutely not". Then again, if we take in the fact that Spring Twister is writing this with zero feedback or proofers, then mistakes are inevitable. I guess we won't know for sure until the author finishes the story.
On the other hand, I must give kudos to the author for avoiding some of the most common and eye-rolling mistakes made in your common journal-style story: perfect memory recall. Spring Twister isn't writing out entire scenes of dialogue that she somehow recalls word-for-word. Instead she's giving us highlights, being vague for the most part, and focusing on the general concepts. This is wonderful to see given how rare it is to see journal-style stories done right, especially considering how effective SpringyTwist is at making the more important scenes evocative despite what might be seen by some as a stylistic handicap.
At any rate, thus far this has been a story about a foal's utterly miserable upbringing and the traumatized wreck of a mare she comes to be as a direct result. While it (almost) never gets violent, the events are extremely grim, so the Happy Ending Crusaders may want to steer clear. It's yet to be seen if the sadficionados will be satisfied with this as a whole, but there's no question that they are the target audience for this one. In that vein it is working well so far, but this one is hard to judge as-is and will remain so until I get an idea of where the author is going with it. If I were to give it a rating (which I won't, because it's incomplete), it would probably go in the "Worth It" pile, with potential to land higher depending on how things go from here.
Bookshelf: Incomplete
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Fall into Nightmare
8,067 Words
By Math Spook
Requested by Math Spook
Published February-March 2025
Enduring Fire is an angry colt. At any moment, his rage could bubble up to harm somepony. Princess Luna sees this and loves him anyway.
I wasn't sure what to expect going by the outright boring cover page. Really, if the author hadn't requested I read it I would have passed it over for certain. Now that I've read it, I feel that Math Spook was trying to do a lot in a very small amount of time.
The story is told in this airy, awkward manner where time is nebulous. It opens with four foals playing ball but suddenly it's two days ago and then I can't tell if we're in the present or still two days ago or maybe at some other time entirely. While we eventually fall into a semblance of chronological order, that opening was confusing at the very least.
What we learn is that Enduring Fire is something of an ass, with no real reason to be an ass. He does, on the other hand, have a reason to hate. Specifically, he hates the gays. Why is he is full of homo-odium? That would be because of his father. We are gradually shown his home life, in which his mother is impossible for him to understand and his father is a belligerent drunk who sleeps around with stallions and hates himself for being a failure of a husband and father. Fire comes to view gays as the reason his home life is shit, and thus: hate.
The fact that he's probably gay too and adamantly trying to deny that part of himself doesn't help. He responds to his complex and confusing feelings with a combination of apathy and fury that bleeds out and ruins many aspects of his life, from dropping out of school to adamantly rejecting Luna's attempts to contact him in his dreams.
Which brings us to the Blue Mare herself. Math Spook takes a different approach to Luna in this one, making her into something of a mythological figure. Which is not to say she isn't real – she very much is, and proves it when she pays Fire a personal visit in the real world. Yet she comes off as a sort of saintly figure, almost religious in context. Her language is written to heavily emphasize Ye Olde Equish, which may be confusing or frustrating for some readers but is clearly intended to enhance the gravitas of her very presence. She even claims more than once that she "loves everypony equally" and will love Enduring Fire forever regardless of his sins, thereby literally channeling Jesus.
On the one hand, this feels like an extremely ambitious approach. I love how her depiction redefines the story as an analogy wherein "the nightmare" is a metaphor for sin in general. On the other, I can see some people calling foul; there are some who believe that there should be no religion in MLP and, moreover, would reject this reimagining of her character.
I in particular was annoyed by how in her first several appearances her entire argument was "don't do that," as if this somehow is supposed to convince anypony of anything. It's not until she appears directly before Fire in the real world that she bothers to do anything meaningful, and even then what she does has nothing to do with creating a sensible, well-stated argument. In defense of that last point, it was probable that Fire was beyond mere words anyway, and her more direct approach did work wonders in a believable manner.
Then there is the big climax scene, of which I also have mixed thoughts towards. The scene in question sees Fire and his friends confront a senior student for accidentally destroying the ball they were playing with. This leads to his friends accusing the senior of being gay (based purely on stereotyping, I should add) and bullying him over it. Now, I get that Enduring Fire has a clear and distinct reason to hate people who are gay, but his friends? No reason at all. Given that this is Equestria, "the land of harmony", there really needs to be a reason. Hell, I even would have accepted "they were mad and needed an excuse to vent", or "kids are mean and will use any excuse to be so". But Math Spook offers us nothing at all, so it came off feeling weird. Granted, this entire story is clearly meant to be analogous, so I suppose it's not too big an issue, but it still bugged me.
Especially when Fire and his three friends beat the senior to within an inch of his life but, inexplicably, only Fire is sent to jail over it. Yes, his friends eventually decided there was such a thing as "too far", but that should have started at, y'know, beating a stallion to within an inch of his life in the first place. But no, they get to go home to their families and maybe get a lecture while Fire goes to jail without his poor mother having any idea that anything has happened.
Don't get me wrong, it was an intense scene. I imagine some readers will look at it and be able to focus strictly on the fact that it was intense.
Last but not least, we get to the final scene. It's a dream sequence in which Enduring Fire finally accepts Harmony into his heart with Luna's guidance. This was, once again, clearly analogous, except that in this case the scene centers around what appears to be Fire's acceptance of his own homosexuality and being welcomed into the herd, if you will. This allows him to expel the hatred in his heart, and thus he is able to look upon a particular homosexual figure he recently encountered and forgive them for... Well, I won't say what exactly. I will say that some actual interaction between him and this stallion might have been nice, but the point is made regardless, and decently.
So, final thoughts. This was a highly ambitious story. The cover page doesn't even come close to telling us what this story is really about – its nature, its atmosphere, its purpose – which makes it easy to pass up. If you want to read something unusual and genuinely well done though, I encourage you to give it a go. While I did see a few things that gave me pause, I love the way Math Spook combined the MLP setting, religious theming and vivid descriptions to create an evocative message of forgiveness and self-improvement. I don't think I've ever read anything quite like it, at least not in the fandom. It's a story worth examining if you're interested in using unorthodox methods and theme presentation.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Requiem for a Friend — WHYRTY?
Lady Singularity
By The Lady (Formerly known as Monochromatic)
Published January 2025
Queen Twilight’s royal librarians, Turnover and Oakewood, are the very definition of love. Until, that is, one of them faces a terminal illness. Said illness winds up being not-so-terminal after all, which should be a joyous matter. It is not, because this miracle comes with repercussions. Twilight knows who is responsible.
Set at least two hundred years after the events of the show, this story reveals that Rarity granted herself immortality via dark magic, rechristening herself as Singularity. She did this in defiance of Twilight’s wishes, albeit too late to save any of their friends from death. Now Twilight and Singularity live as enemies, and the furious Queen of Equestria has decided it’s time to have a little one-on-one time with the Indomitable Fashionista.
This is, in some ways, a tale about how two diametrically opposing forces can’t seem to live without one another. Twilight Sparkle lives in a world of firm ethics whereas Singularity is perfectly happy to use dark magic to defy the very laws of nature. Yet while she is defying nature’s laws, it’s hard to say that she’s done anything illegal, and all of the ponies she’s affected seem perfectly happy with the results, even if it has changed them in fundamental ways. These two stand at the precipice of a philosophical debate, both too powerful and talented to let themselves be pushed off the cliff and thus forced to endure one another.
This one was loaded with tense emotions as two former friends push one another’s buttons. The Lady paints a picture at times violent, at times cruel, and all focused on these two primal forces orbiting one another. It sounds like a game they’ve been playing for ages – and will still be playing for ages yet.
This was very different from what we usually see of the artist formerly known as Mono. That’s a good thing in my book, as it demonstrates that there’s more in their toolbox than RariLight. If you’d like to see these two treated in a way that isn’t so endearing as the usual, then this is your story.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
In Everything But Name — WHYRTY?
Injuring Eternity — WHYRTY?
Constellations — Pretty Good
T-plus Seven Hundred and Sixty-Nine Days — Pretty Good
Liar, Liar, Apples on Fire — Worth It
Twilight Sparkle’s first encounter with a non-Nightmare Moonified Luna was when she looked tiny and cute. Also, she was dappled, and it was friggen adorable. Twilight has had a crush ever since. But when she met the ‘mature’ version of Luna, she was disappointed to find the dapples missing. Until one morning…
Do you like Tuna shipping? Of course you do, for you are a sensible individual with good taste. This story, then, is for you.
Set some undisclosed time after Twilight’s alicornication, this has Twilight and Luna dating. One morning Twilight walks in on Luna in the bathroom and, for the faintest second, sees her coat dappled like it was when she was first freed from Nightmare Moon. Luna hid them immediately though, and appears to be terrified of the idea that they be discovered. Did Twilight actually see those adorable dapples like so much gooey eye-candy, or did she just imagine them?
When Twilight Sparkle decides she needs to know something, she will. Much to her marefriend’s horror.
This was a ton of fun. It’s a silly shipping tale and didn’t need to be anything more than that. Carapace’s first-person interpretation of Twilight’s thoughts makes it that much more endearing, giving it a vibe similar to some of the show’s early-season episodes albeit with a touch of meta. My only regret is that Celestia failed to take part in the teasing despite her long cameo.
If you want to see Twilight having a bit of silly fun at Luna’s expense (she knows she likes it!), this is absolutely the story for you.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Majestic Tale of a Noble Hunter — WHYRTY?
The Face I'll Wear — Pretty Good
Sugar and Spice
3,643 Words
By TheLegendaryBillCipher
Published May 2024
When the Shadowbolts need to have a meeting about their upcoming science fair project, Sugarcoat recommends they do so at Sugarcube Corner. Why? Because it gives her an excuse to meet her girlfriend: Pinkie Pie. Needless to say, her friends are very curious about this development.
This is nothing more than TheLegendaryBillCipher trying to justify a PinkCoat (SugarPie?) ship, although it is also the start of a series intended to ship each of the Shadowbolts. While well-written, there's not much going on save for a few quick scenes of how these two interact as a couple.
The opening of the relationship is the most curious part to me. Sugarcoat develops an interest in Pinkie more or less instantly and for little cause, then bucks traditional romance trends by acting on that interest immediately. So no long, drawn-out "should I/shouldn't I?" internal debating and fretting, just a straight up "wanna date?" This is a refreshing change of pace in my opinion; it's nice to see a story where characters aren't rendered into paralysis by the idea of asking someone out. That kind of thing is usually the bread and butter of hopeless romantics, but it's not like it's obligatory.
Pinkie goes along with it because she's Pinkie and why not?
Has the ship sailed? Eh, I think the jury's still out on that one. Two or three cute scenes are fine and all, but I'm not ready to shatter that bottle of champagne at the launch ceremony until I see these two face a real challenge to their relationship. Still, it's a pleasant enough piece and there are sequels which may expand upon the concept. Consider me interested! Give it a go if you're into unusual shipping choices.
Bokshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Hug Bug — Worth It
Bonus Review: Mistborn
576 Pages
By Brandon Sanderson
Published 2006
Everyone abandons Vin eventually. The father she never knew, the mother who tried to kill her, the brother who abandoned her. She’ll remain a skaa peasant, and if her fellow thieves don’t kill her the nobility surely will. As long as she remains useful, she might remain alive. That was the fate she believed she held… until a man named Kelsier invites her to join his thieving crew.
I have a cousin (in-law) who ranted and raved about how good the Mistborn series is. He bugged everyone he knew about it for years. Claimed it had a huge following. I finally decided to grab this first book of the franchise, if only to see what the fuss was about. I’ll let him know I read it at last… after this review comes out.
Mistborn is set in the fantasy world of Cosmere, which is currently under the complete dominion of a theocracy known as the Final Empire, with the implication that it is truly the last empire that is or ever will be. It is ruled by a tyrant known only as the Lord Ruler, and the government is run by the religious ministry of Obligators who worship him as a god. Society is divided into two classes: the lowly skaa and their masters, the Nobility.
Within this setting we meet Vin, a sixteen-year-old skaa girl and lowly member of a thieving crew. She has survived thus far by making herself as small and unnoticeable as possible, constantly on high alert for the next betrayal and evading the unwanted (and often violent) attention of the men. Beneath her mousy, timid posture however hides a clever, cunning, angry young woman just waiting for an opportunity to lash out. What she doesn’t know is that she has something else about her, a… power that she barely understands.
Every time I tried to picture Vin in my head, I kept seeing Rachel Zegler. No idea why.
Yet Vin is not our only protagonist. Kelsier is a being even more lowly and unwelcome than the skaa: a half-breed, born to the damned union between a skaa and a noble. Under normal circumstances such things are the result of a noble bedding a skaa slave, who is promptly killed afterwards to prevent her giving birth. Somehow, this did not happen to Kelsier.
Kelsier is a living legend. Not only is he a half-breed, he was once thrown into a hellish prison, where he discovered an innate capacity for Allomancy that allowed him to escape. Every aspect of this is shocking. Now Kelsier is back in the capital city of Luthadel. He’s got incredibly powerful magic, a band of extremely talented thieves as followers, and a bone to pick with the Lord Ruler. In setting up his schemes, he is introduced to Vin and immediately recognizes her for what she truly is. Thus does Kelsier recruit Vin into his crew of thieves, determined to teach her how to use her natural talent to help bring down the Final Empire at last.
This is a complex story to say the least, fueled by a colorful cast of characters who are no less complicated. Kelsier is a man full of hatred for the Final Empire, the Nobility, and the Lord Ruler, but also has lingering doubts about his chances while being haunted by a past full of sin and love lost. Vin, in the meantime, is incredibly slow to trust and clings to the crew with every expectation that they will abandon her before too long – or perhaps she will do the abandoning, once she has what she needs from them. These two are supported by the likes of Breeze the diplomat, Ham the philosophizing soldier, Dockson the (woefully) rational, Clubs the grouchy carpenter, Marsh the spy, Renoux the fake nobleman, Yeden the skaa rebel, and Spook the (lovestruck) lookout. Of course, we can’t forget Sazed the Terrisman servant or Elend Venture the rebellious noble youth who has an interest in Vin. If that sounds like a lot of names to learn and personalities to explore, don’t worry; Brandon doesn’t go too deep into their backstories but keeps them individually vivid enough that you’ll soon know (and appreciate) all of them well enough. Every last one has a role to play in the coming job, and Vin spends time with them all so as to develop her natural Allomantic powers.
“Okay Paul, but why is it called Mistborn?” Good question, voice in my head!
The answer has to do with this world’s primary magic system. Allomancy is a form of magic in which the weilders consume metal (yes, literally), which they can then “burn” to produce powerful effects. There are ten (known) metals, each granting the user a different kind of power. Only people of noble lineage may use these powers, and then they can only use one of them; all other metals are useless to them. These are known as Mistings. But every once in a while a child is born with significant ancestral purity, and that child may find themselves able to use all the metals’ powers. Such rare individuals are known as Mistborn.
I love this idea. While it still uses some common concepts of magic, it is a whole new angle that is easy to comprehend and follow but allows for some truly complex and fascinating abilities for the creative. As if that weren’t enough, it’s not the only magical system in this universe; the Terrismen like Sazed have their own that operates completely differently.
And that is just a precursor to the other big selling point of the story: the lore. Sanderson has crafted a whole new world and is happy to share it with us with Vin as our explorer. We get to see the dreadful history of this world’s last millennium, uncover elements of its governance, have front-row seats to the lower and the upper classes, uncover secrets about its supposedly deific dictator, look into the finer workings of each metal’s powers, and so much more. We are given a fully-realized, complex world that feels fully developed and realistic within its own rules. Then it goes further, as Vin gradually comes to realize that the rules that have dictated everything everyone knows about the world are not the full story.
Which is a long-winded way of saying that this one has a lot of twists and reveals. I was making a lot of predictions early on, but only a scant few of them came true. As much as I hate to admit it, my cousin was right; Sanderson kept me guessing. And the best part is that when we get to the climax and the final mystery is solved, I realized that Sanderson had seeded hints to the truth everywhere. You know that feeling you get when something pops up and you realize that you saw the evidence for it a bajillion times but somehow never put the pieces together? That’s a great feeling for me.
There’s more I could say about this story – a lot more – but I think I should restrain myself. This is one of those tales better left unspoiled. Yet I can say that this was a very fun read, filled with pleasantly varied and complex characters, a plot that never seems to slow down, and a world that feels incredibly vast despite the fact that we see so very little of it (that’s what sequels are for). To be certain, this was better than I expected going in, and I look forward to what comes next.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Stories for Next Time:
Antagonistics Anonymous by All Art Is Quite Useless
Death Becomes Her by daOtterGuy
Sink or Swim by Sunshyne
Can You Say...Forgiveness? by theanonymousbrony
The Games We Play by AbsoluteAnonymous
In Our Nature, or: How To Dump A Dead Body And Be SO Brave About It by PatchworkPoltergeist
Love In Tears by CasualBrony84
A Letter of Love by Show Stopper
Making Up a Bedtime Story by lord_steak
Prisons by 314
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And now you know partially where I built my love of twists, turns, and seeding a story with all the little puzzle pieces.
Zahn is still the master at it, IMO, but my old teacher is still fantastic. I look forward to seeing you drop a few reviews for his other works!
Just saying: The expression on Fluttershy's face... (+ how much she's shivering)
Paul, thanks for the review, but when you write
that’s an error. Enduring Fire isn’t doing any forgiving of anyone. I think you must mean “apologize” instead of “forgive them.” The paragraph I think you’re thinking of is:
The rating 'None' appears to be a real achievement, bravo!
Oh, you are going to enjoy Death Valley, the next in the series.
Change that. Love it.
With the first three stories mentioning Chrysalis, I got my hopes up that this might be a "Chrysalis Edition."
Half the reason why I like that ship is that it isn't Twilestia. Will definitely read that one soon.
Code doesn't just make an appearance, her role is larger than it is here. I'll be taking my "Why Haven't You Read This Yet?" now, thank you.
In all seriousness, I'm surprised at how she turned out. She started as a brusque, no-nonsense type simply so the fic wouldn't get too bogged down by bureaucracy, but when I expanded her even a little, she started going in uneggspected directions not sorry. I was surprised the way readers latched on to her and I was surprised the way she lingered in my head. I wish I knew where she came from so I could go there more often.
And, yeah, the ultimate conclusion of "pit stop" for Urban Wilds is, I'd say, totally accurate, especially next to Hinterlands. It's a lower-key story, for better or worse, and it's an important transitory point for Amanita, but it's not as intense or exciting.
Also, congrats on having total control over the Recent News column and the most numerals in a blog number you'll have for... a while.
5861356
I do wonder how many Nones there have been before. I've been reading this review blog ever since it became a front page piece, and I don't think I've seen it before.
Thanks for the review!
Thanks for reviewing Tarnished Silver! I gotta say, part of me was expecting a "None" rating (have there ever been two in one blog entry before?) just because I assume that most people who start the story never finish it (understandably!) due to the subject matter. So, given that I'm not sure what your comfort level is with this sort of content, I appreciate you reading through it!
Okie Brony mentioned the idea of a Chrysalis-centric review set - makes me wonder if you've ever considered doing blogs themed around a specific thing, kind of like your author spotlights but for things like a particular character or idea or genre or trope? I know you make a point of having your Halloween blogs be entirely horror-centric, cause that is of course essential - how much of a hassle does that end up being in the long run?
5861360
According to Paul's review archive (which you can find on his user page), he's given the "None" rating (which isn't even really a rating, just kind of a statement of "this is so devoid of anything worthwhile there's no point on putting it in my library") to 59 stories over the past decade. It's definitely the rarest of his five main ratings - even for the "Needs Work" stories he does his best to identify the good parts and give advice on how the author might polish their work.
5861350
And I will definitely be reading some of them! The sequel is set for some time in November.
5861355
No, I said exactly what I meant to say. Fire may have needed to apologize for his behavior, but he couldn't let go of his rage and do that without first forgiving what he sees as a wrong done him in the first place. Though you never explicitly say it, it is not possible for me to see those ending scenes and not conclude that Enduring Fire has discovered a willingness to forgive.
5861357
5861359
I've already tapped Death Valley as my Halloween story for next year. I hate that it's going to take so long to get to.
5861358
I do love reading Chrysalis stories. Hmm...
5861360
As confirmed by 5861424 (which I appreciate, because I'm at work and thus can't access my spreadsheets), the None rating is by far my rarest rating. You have to really be doing a lot of things wrong to land there. Jade's Adventure hit the ground running considering I specifically chose to read it on the basis of it being a Fallout: Equestria story.
5861409
Eh, I've developed a thick skin over the years. It's become genuinely hard to discomfort me anymore. I think the most uncomfortable part about your story was the fact that I read it while at work (yes, really).
I am offended by bad storytelling and writing. Everything else I can take. So far, at least.
5861424
Provided that I make the deadline far enough in the future and plan my leading-up blogs appropriately, it's not that hard to set up specialized blogs. My Halloween blog this year is going to be tricky because of the bottlenecks created by both the Long Fics I'm reading and by the fact that I've got a lot of unusually long Medium fics all hitting at the same time. Some of the fics for the September 4th blog won't be read/reviewed until just a few days before the blog is due, with is extremely unusual for me, and then I'll have to fit in three more blogs between then and Halloween. Which I can definitely do, provided I carefully curate wordcounts in those two months. My 300th blog won't be anywhere near as hard.
The good news is that I've completely changed how I handle longfic scheduling starting with 2026, arranging things so that I'm almost never reading two longfics at any given time. This outright eliminates longfic bottlenecks and will make this kind of thing a lot easier, although it does mandate a certain pickiness in what longfics I read.
I think the only really bad thing about specialized blogs is that they get in the way of my official lists, which in turn means the lists get more full than I'd like. It also delays the release of requested reviews, which I am uncomfortable about.
5861429
I did intend that Enduring Fire find a willingness to forgive; I did not intend for that to be what was happening right at the moment in question. Most of your review I found interesting—your opinion is informed and thoughtful—but we're going to have to disagree on this part. Thanks again!
I prefer salmon.
5861442
Sapphire Shores and Trixie Lulamoon?
(Yeah, it's a stretch, but I couldn't think of anything better.)
5861444
You joke, but there's probably something there, in the hands of a good enough writer.
5861445
Well of course there is. There is no ship that can't sail when put in the hands of the correct writer. Of this I am a firm believer.
Hey! Just wondering, is there any chance you will be reviewing Checkmate in Two by Amber Spark? It’s a fascinating read, and it continues her Wavelengths story perfectly. I don’t know how your review system works, but please LMK if you decide to review it!
5861452
Anyway, is that a request? I won't take it on as a request unless I know for sure that it is one, due to having only a limited number of request slots available. Also, Amber Spark's story is a longfic and my 2026 longfic schedule is almost fully booked, so it'll be more than a year before I get to it even if you are requesting it.
To Jade's story?
Yeah uhh trust me buddy FOE is a REALLY good read
Please read it before you start making fics of it
5861433
Agreed
Like Honestly? Jade needs to at LEAST read foe(and everyone should since its a GREAT STORY!)
but this is just sad
I think i hear Littlepip crying in the background right now
5861444
Trixie did work for Sapphire Shores for a time in the comics... this idea intrigues me.
Fuck I forgot people call it Tuna shipping. Glad you enjoyed it. For some reason, I still remember "give me dapples or give me death" was a line that happened in that one.
Honestly, I should've just stopped writing there. I'll never top that line.
Love thos blogs of yours so far, bringing attention to the stories. Truly deserving to be called face of fimfiction
To be fair... just because it has the tag Fallout doesn't mean it can't be a different Fallout. That seems really limiting.
5862625
Did you miss the quote? Allow me to repeat it for you:
No, Ni-kun was writing for that specific Fallout which they openly admit knowing nothing about. If they weren't writing for that specific Fallout, they would not have included that note. And even without it, the tag is there, and the cover art is undeniably Fallout-related because of the Stable Suit the character is wearing. There is no getting around that this was meant to be a Fallout: Equestria story. Even if the author somehow meant the games – any of the games, not a specific one – there is nothing anywhere in the story that has even the tiniest relevance to them.
The author made their intentions as clear as can be.
5862631
I did not miss the quote. I just keep reading you adding SO much more with the author merely setting expectations about what the story is not.
5862707
Are implying that it is okay to claim a story is based on a stated property while not actually writing a story based on that property? You can't say "this story is based on Fallout" and then not base your story on Fallout, that is blatant lying. Claiming you don't know anything about the source material doesn't negate the fact that you are openly advertising via tags and artwork that your story is based on that source material.
5862712
She was not claiming to not know Fallout; with multiplegames and more made. She is claiming to not know the already established Fallout Equestria setting by other fanfiction writers. So that when people (like you) read it going "it breaks cannon!" She can say she warned you ahead of time.
I am surprised you can't tell the difference.
5862721
You're not understanding this. There is nothing whatsoever in this story that relates to Fallout. Not the games, not the fanfiction. At no point did I ever say "this is bad because it breaks canon". I complained that Ni-Kun claimed this was a Fallout story when it wasn't, not that they broke Fallout canon. Given the content of the story, "canon" doesn't even come into the picture; Ni-kun wrote their own story entirely unrelated to anything Fallout, so trying to say that they "broke canon" would be missing the point entirely.
You'll notice that I only talk about how the story isn't related to Fallout in the opening and conclusion of the review. The rest doesn't bring it up because it doesn't need to. Even if the author never claimed anything to do with Fallout whatsoever – no tags, no cover art, no note – that wouldn't make the story better, because it is a bad story. All the worst and most common problems exist completely outside the point of whether it's a Fallout story or not.