Fic recs, June 21st: New Blood edition! · 3:06am June 22nd
Ice Star has made a blog shouting out several people in need of serious help!
So, the first New Blood Contest! Run in Punished Bean's writing group in 2023, this was a chance for authors with newish accounts to get a spotlight on their writing and show the world what they could do! I'm always looking for new writers, of course, and this seemed like a great way to get a bunch of them on my radar. Y'know, two years late. c_c;
But I gotta be honest. I did not enjoy this.
Don't get me wrong, some of these stories are phenomenal, and several of the authors are definitely on my radar. But as with most things, a lot of these were poor to middling. And I don't want to be the person telling someone that? Hopefully, being two years late means they've heard it already, but very few of these stories seemed to have many comments beyond the judges' feedback.
I dunno, I just didn't enjoy this review slate, though I did finish the whole thing. And this is all a long-winded way of saying I won't be doing the second New Blood contest. I might go add promising stories to my RIL, but I won't review
it as a whole thing. Sorry to lead things off on a sour note, just trying to be transparent here.
H: 4 R: 6 C: 9 V: 3 N: 6
Squashing Grapes by Poisonberry
Genre: Slice of Life
No one had actually asked me to help, but I wanted the bits.
There's an interesting conflict at the start of this, where our unnamed main character — their identity becomes clear at the very end, that was a fun thing to have people include in their stories — wants to go out and make money but her parents don't want her to. I have to admit, I spent the short duration of this story kind of wondering about that in the back of my head; sadly, it's not really picked at any, so I could only come to my own conclusions. Beyond that, well, this is fairly plain, but it does tell a solid first-time story set in the past, with young Applejack being very earnest and energetic as you might expect. Not bad, and it includes some fun foal-POV commentary on adult habits.
Recommended If You Enjoy Stories About Kids
Starry Nights Over Knossos by sirenc0re
Genre: World-Building
The first paragraph of this story includes some strong imagery, as well as a misplaced ellipsis and 'glid', so it doesn't give a great impression. And to be honest, I wasn't exactly wowed by the rest of it, with one exception. Our main character doesn't have a ton of character, but what she does have comes out in the way she speaks. Her speech is stilted and one might even say pretentious, such that she's even called out on it; the fun part is, it's because she's not speaking Equestrian in this story. That was a very fine detail for the author to have picked up on, and it was executed perfectly, if you ask me. :) The rest, then, is mostly an excuse to dump some headcanon about minotaurs, but I will say that what's here is both fun and original. Honestly, given that Starry Night gets caught up in politics right in the middle, this feels like it was meant to be chapter one (possibly even two!) of a much longer extra-Equestrian adventure. For a first fic though, I'm glad the author resisted that temptation.
Recommended for Fans of Non-Equestrians
The Tomb of the Prince of Silence by Forcalor
Genre: Adventure
In a tomb in the jungle lies a forgotten prince of secrets…
By all rights, I maybe should have skipped over this one. <_< It's listed as "same continuity as" one of the author's other, much longer stories, and it's been on hiatus since the first chapter was published in 2023. But here we are, and the imagery is great, though there are a lot of saidisms and I can't say I'm thrilled with the portrayal of the zebra guide in the first scene, but I leave judgment of such to those better equipped for it. Now, all that was written before I finished the story, so I want to say: this is meant to be indefinitely on hiatus, you'll find out why by the end, and I think that's tremendously clever. I also liked a lot of the prose, though it wasn't consistently good, and there's a notable section in the middle where our three main characters share stories that are just giant blocks of text. The second story at least has some interruptions, some back and forth with the listeners, but they really all should have been like that. But I think on the whole, the better elements win out, and if nothing else, I'm now interested in that much longer story this is related to.
Recommended
Have a Heart by discordjediknight
Genre: Adventure/AU?
A group of adventurers come across a strange colt.
I'm not sure if this is meant to be a "guys' night" game of O&O viewed fully in-character, or a story taking place in the world inhabited by the characters. I guess either way, it doesn't matter, huh? In case the typos in the description did not clue you in, this has a ton of writing problems, and some of them get bad enough they actually affect readability. I will say, I was impressed with the author's dedication to include Zecora; people with far more experience under their belts have shied away from writing a character who always has to speak in rhyme, but here, they just plowed right on through, that takes some guts. I also admire the author's dedication to Discord, that's clearly their entire thing, But yes, author needs an editor, let's move on.
Not Recommended
A Study in Chartreuse by Serketry
Genre: Changeling Fic
What would make a painting of oak trees valuable enough for a daring heist?
Dang, this review is really hard to front-load with expectations, because I don't want to talk about too much that's going on here. It's presented in such a way that it asks a lot of the reader, and yet what it delivers is changelings used and given lore like I've never before seen, in a period of time right before they were revealed in canon. This is really cool, really surprising, and really well written. I would for sure read a longform story with this setting. It's easy to see why it came in second! And now I have to wonder which one of these was first…
Highly Recommended
Does This, Like, Make Me Special? by SparklingTwilight
Genre: Surreal Comedy/Shipping
So. Turns out Zephyr Breeze is secretly a bat pony…
This is a very strange story, and Zephyr secretly being a bat pony is maybe the one thing that makes the most sense. The writing is perhaps the oddest part, it's just… very unusual. I take it as an intentional stylistic choice; the very chaotic, dreamlike quality helps capture what Zephyr must be feeling as his life is jumbled about, turned upside-down, and viewed in disparate discontinuities. I wouldn't blame anyone for bouncing off of it. It gets a little out of focus by the end, though, bringing in this whole "half-changeling" deal that's based on absolutely nothing in canon whatsoever, in great contrast to the rest of the story, and a romance that's mostly punchline. I mean, Zephyr Breeze as a character is mostly punchline, but, well, you'll see what I mean. I'm sort of just waffling here, this is so odd and I flat don't know how to take it, but it's definitely not bad?
Recommended If You Like Stories That Are Slightly Off-Kilter
The Last of Skyros by NightFlame389
Genre: G5 Historical World-Building
I must admit to feeling somewhat lost; G5's alicorn lore is something I haven't delved into. That being said, this still has problems. The main one, as I see it, is that there is a hefty chunk of world-building dropped into the description, under the 'read more', such that if you don't read more, you're going to be lost on a decent portion of this. The other issue for me is that the vast majority of this story is two characters speaking info dumps at each other. The dialogue is very flat, and though everything seems weighty and grandiose, that's only superficial. I think this is a case of overambitious planning; that sort of dialogue does work, if there's a lot more story to back it up. As with the ending, none of this really hits home; it's simply being presented to us.
Vaguely Recommended
Melody to the Stars by Rewan Demontay
Genre: Emotional
Once again, she sings to the moon and waits for her sister to return.
It's not a bad idea. Celestia, playing a celesta (okay, that's a little goofy but still), serenading the moon and crying a whole bunch is fitting. That she continues to do so while there is just so much weather going on around her brings it up toward epic, save that the purpleness of the prose brings it back down into the realm of melodrama. It's kind of silly, is what I'm saying. The song doesn't really strike me as a song, either, there's no real rhythm or rhyme to it. The whole story reads like a poem, and I don't think I mean that in a positive way. All that being said, I think this writer is very close to something good, if only they can step back the imagery and save it for where it's best used rather than slinging it around like so much paint.
Recommended If You Don't Mind Poetic Overload
Changing Colors by Miss Mlp
Genre: Random
To describe this story directly, it's about a changeling that wanders into Ponyville and spends the day changing into various forms and having to deal with the fallout of being that person in that place. But if I were to lay out the events for you, several problems arise. The dialogue is flat and unnatural, and comes in long stretches where neither speaker is named. There is no rhyme or reason to any of the goings on, to the point where at least one of the transformations is completely at random. And then there are the weird things. The changeling lives in a hole? It has some sort of existential crisis upon seeing a bug? The bug in particular demonstrates that there was an attempt to do some kind of psychological unreliable narrator thing. And I think the random changes, and possibly even the hole, are meant to show that this changeling doesn't think for itself, and/or is the kind of person who just lets life happen to them rather than exerting its will. I think? But that doesn't explain why the characters often don't react to the changeling's disguises like they should. (Rainbow Dash not knowing Daring Do could hurt her wings??) Yet with all that said, I can't even tell you that I'm certain of any of this, and the various typos don't help. I'm not sure what this author was really going for here, but I am sure it didn't work.
Not Recommended
A Day in June by MacArthurite
Genre: AU Mystery
A pair of detectives go out to follow up a lead on a series of unsolved robberies.
Tangent: Apparently, this contest had several "bonus" challenges authors could use, and literally every story so far has used "the main character's name and identity are never mentioned", and I have to wonder why. And it's funny I just so happened to mention that before reading this story, because the main character has a name. It wasn't until about halfway through the story that I realized, wait a minute, rather than cringe every time I see the name, assuming this is the one author who somehow failed at the most popular prompt, why shouldn't it be completely intentional? I was ultimately rewarded for my renewed faith. :) This story has a really neat setting, just familiar enough in an "Equestria with modern trappings" way, yet just alien enough to make you realize you forgot to check the tags, or maybe that's just me. There's one spot of really rough dialogue that comes out of nowhere for a naked lore drop, but otherwise, I found this overall quite good. I'd absolutely read a series set in this AU!
Recommended
An Island of Friendship in an Ocean of the Hive by ImNotBatman1602
Reviews #9100!
Genre: Changeling Fic
What's a changeling who's too afraid to be themself to do?
And now here's the first story, in this order anyway, that doesn't include the identity reveal prompt. (And yet never names its protagonist!) So this does a good job in capturing the feeling of being an outsider, of feeling like you don't belong in a harsh society because you are soft and like nice things. It's straightforward, it's simple, it's charming. It also manages to find a reason to use the word 'ponysona', which I hate because it's kind of clever, and which then leads into the best pony name I think I've ever seen. This isn't going to knock anyone's socks off, and all the dialogue is italicised for some reason, but it does the job it sets out to do neatly, and the result is quite cute.
Recommended for Changeling Fans
His Little Secret by My Little Pastafarian
Genre: Shipping Drama
Fluttershy worries Discord is hiding things from her.
Credit where credit is due: I fully expected the answer to "why has Fluttershy heard Discord saying 'I love you' to somepony else" would be that he was practicing getting things just right before asking her to marry him. And that is not, in fact, the case! It's far more creative, and moreover, actually requires that at least Discord be a part of the story. (I had thought also that everything leading up to the reveal could have worked with any two characters; I'm quite pleased to have been wrong.) As for the rest of it, well, y'all know I don't really go for DiscoShy, so I can't muster any further enthusiasm. At least the ending is relatively cute.
Recommended for FlutterCord Shippers
Going Against the Grain by DarthBall
Genre: Drama
Oh god, there's a lot going on in this story. Central to it is a dysfunctional family: a controlling harridan of a mother, a useless father and a son who's just trying to live his life. But also there's just a bunch of other stuff, and this wouldn't be an issue save that it leads into a final scene that I feel pretty secure in saying doesn't make much sense. I have some idea of what's going on, but not enough clues to figure out what it's supposed to mean. Also, I felt a little iffy about the mother's portrayal. Like, this could very easily be a family based on reality, but at the same time, she's the villain of the piece: she's controlling, and she's a bigot, she doesn't also need to be vain and shallow. So this is a good idea, and there are surprises along the way that are quite rewarding to discover, it just doesn't come together completely in the end.
Recommended for Fans of Family Dramas
The Champion by GrangeDisplay
Genre: Pro Wrestling?!
Nature Mare steps into the ring once more to defend her title.
When I was a kid, professional wrestlers had this kind of otherworldly mystique about them. I never watched their shows, but I knew their names, I had favorites, and so did all the kids I played with. Since then, I've watched pro wrestling lose a lot of the superheroic affectation. The stars more often go by their real names, or something that sounds like a real name, maybe with a nickname shoved in quotation marks into the middle, but often not. Gone are the spandex leotards, the capes, the wild hair and face paint. Either that, or they're still there in some form or other and pro wrestling simply isn't a part of my life anymore. All of which is to say, I don't know shit about wrestling these days, but I know this author really does, because I hang out in a Discord server with a bunch of people who are quite passionate about it. And I've seen a few Youtube videos. This story is so good, you guys. The writing is as bold and dramatic as the main character. The use of present tense keeps you locked in to the action, on the edge of your proverbial seat. It's obvious who Nature Mare is, but this is another story not outright stating its protagonist's identity, and that fits in with the subject matter perfectly. Is it realistic to see her in the ring like this? Who cares, it's fucking awesome. You don't need to know the names of specifics of the moves they use, or even what a heel is, just strap in for some action sequences and top-notch internal drama.
Highly Recommended
A Modest Proposal by Jymbroni
Reading by Bean's Audiovisual Experience (Part 2)
New readers pop up unexpectedly! Bean is who ran this contest, and he was asked to do a reading of this story as its reward. He has a mellow voice, a lovely accent, good volume and perfect pacing. I also like that going into the second half of this reading was not even something I noticed, it happened seamlessly. This is the only story he's done, and I suspect it's not likely we'll hear more from him, but onto the list he goes!
Genre: Sad Romance
Minuette tries to do something special for her marefriend.
So, Minuette and Fleur de Lis, huh? Fascinating pair, and the author makes sure to let us know all the different ways in which they are both fascinatingly paired, and a good couple. And then it all goes to shit, as the Sad tag might suggest. :D Quite the fun ending though, especially if you like juicy drama in your shipping. Nothing is as it seems here!
Recommended
Secret Garden by Discombobulated Soul
Genre: Sci-Fi/Mystery
Life aboard the Refuge is anything but exciting, unless you're somepony with a secret they need kept…
I'm maybe overselling the mystery here; it's not too hard to figure out just what it is Roseluck is hiding, but watching the various pieces come together into the finale was pretty darned satisfying. We've got a wholly unique sci-fi setting on a dying spaceship, just enough details to really get that feeling of drudgery across, and a surprising amount of world-building for the world they left behind on top of it. When a story that starts off with two ponies canoodling to hide the fact that they're swapping contraband, you know you're going to be in for a good time, and this absolutely lives up to that expectation. :)
Recommended
Blood and Glamour by Mindscape
Genre: Supernatural World-Building
Fluttershy seeks help for her condition and finds something she never expected.
Wow, a second story exploring the batpony Fluttershy idea! :O I guess it remains fertile ground for writers. So this is fun: We have Fluttershy travelling enmasked to a secret club for ponies just like her, and meeting Chrysalis there, which is not a spoiler, she's in the tags and on the cover art after all. And while most of this is just Fluttershy learning more about this underground world she only just discovered, I had a good time learning alongside her. Maybe it's because I got serious Vampire: The Masquerade vibes and got seriously nostalgic. Whatever the case, this does feel like the first chapter to a longer story, but if nothing else, it works as a proof of concept! Oh yes, and it's also very queer; of course, given the subject matter, it's inescapable.
Recommended
To Fly by ramdom_player201
Genre: Sci-Fi
In the future, a unicorn dreams of flight.
This starts off with a short action scene in which our unnamed protagonist ends up rolling down a hill because she forgets she has magic. This seems like a fun, dynamic way to give us a little insight into her character through showing, but the rest of the story is very straightforward and workmanlike, such that knowing her character seems almost beside the point. This is a very detailed and technical sketch of how a magic-powered flight suit might work in some future scenario. Like, this author has clearly thought about this a lot. Unfortunately, that's also all there is here. It's all checking HUDs and charging crystals, and if you don't find that inherently interesting, this is likely going to miss you. Worse still, there are a lot of close-sounding word usage errors (like 'coach' for 'couch'), some of which make it that much harder to read. Ultimately, this is more an idea than a story; it's a neat idea, absolutely worth exploring, but it reads like a technical manual, and one that needed proofreading, at that.
Vaguely Recommended
Sisters' Moon by WaywardSon
Genre: G5 World-Building
All three tribes of ponies have the same traditions surrounding eclipses, but nopony really knows why.
Hm, I find myself having to confront one unfortunate fact of trying to keep up with new writing contests: eventually, I'm going to hit a story like this one, that's set firmly in the G5 show. Thankfully, only having seen the movie didn't really stop me from getting what's going on here, but it did leave some surprises (Hitch has a baby dragon??), and I can't be completely sure what's original and what's canon. This also might be the reason I felt this story's stakes were painfully low; they're just trying to find out what the commonality of a tradition is, and while the importance to the characters is apparent, I generally felt like things were pretty obvious for us the readers. That said, I did like that the story they ultimately find echoes a lot of real-world fables about the sun and moon, that level of verisimilitude was welcome. So this kind of hit me limply, but it's nevertheless a solid G5 piece.
Recommended for G5 Fans
A Lovestruck Folly by A whisky man
Mature: Violence, Death
Genre: Historical Tragedy/Romance
Such a love as his required only the greatest of gifts he could muster.
I love the way this is written: first-person, with highly formal diction and plenty of EME, in which I could find no fault. It really lends gravity to the happenings; I had feared the low word count wouldn't allow this to approach its topic to full effect, but the writing is terribly economical and efficient. As for the story, it's funny: I thought from the description that the love interest would be Princess Amore, but it's not. That was a pleasant surprise. Honestly, this whole thing was. Very good!
Recommended
Fluttersurrogate by Kassaz
Genre:
Fluttershy offers to be a surrogate for a couple. She doesn't tell anyone.
Okay, so I'm predisposed not to like any story written by someone so forward about being really into pregnancy fics. That's this author's Thing, I know enough not to read their work, I'm just forced to as part of this contest. And I did not like this story, nor can I recommend it from a personal place. That being said, pushing past my own discomfort and distaste with the subject, this isn't great? The writing is pretty flat and straightforward, and while there's a mildly interesting scene about how parents name foals, it's followed by Rainbow Dash fat shaming Fluttershy (which, admittedly, really is kinda the victim's fault here, since she just refuses to tell anyone what's going on). Paragraphs often contain dialogue from several speakers. And the ending is quite abrupt, as the first comment points out. I don't know if this is endemic to Kassaz's work, but I don't think I'm going to go find out.
Not Recommended
Finding Oneself by Goldstar
Genre: OC Fic
You'd perhaps be surprised to hear this story is not particularly well written. The formatting and punctuation are all flawless; it's just when you start reading into the walls and walls of dialogue, you realize this does basically every single thing you are not supposed to do when writing a story. The first comment, from the contest judge, goes into more detail. The best thing I can say about this is that the author has continued writing since; hopefully, they're learning and growing.
Not Recommended
A Canterlot Gala by Gold Meddle
Genre: Dramedy/AU
The Queen of the Changelings makes her plans to invade Canterlot.
I want to really quickly comment on the author's name: I'm not sure if it's meant for the background pony featured in their avatar, but even if it isn't, it's a fantastic pony name and would suit him perfectly. :) Now, as for Gold Meddle's writing, I got the sense of an author who is used to being incredibly verbose, having to pare their story way, way down to fit the contest's word count limit. The sentences are stilted and choppy, while being full of two-dollar words, and very little about the language used feels natural to me. That being said, the main conceit of this story is devilishly clever, and it took me an entire chapter to even realize what was going on. That reveal made this totally worth the read, not to mention this is just packed with… stuff, thanks to the dense-yet-pared writing. You could probably have a lot of fun picking it apart. On the surface a reimagining of Best Night Ever, but a lot more rewarding than a first impression might make you think.
Recommended If You Don't Mind Writing Quirks
Pitfalls by heartlessons
Genre: Slice of Life
An upper-class pony arrives at Cherry Jubilee's, and she can't quite let them be.
It's stories like this that make all the time and effort I spend on these reviews worth it. :) The writing is excellent and draws us into the small-town world of Dodge Junction. It's not just the rural farming community aspect of things, but this train-side tourist trap — frequently referred to as such — that Cherry Jubilee runs that has just so much character. To say nothing of Miss Cherry herself! And then pairing her up with Coloratura of all ponies, with a quietly dramatic entrance setting the scene for their interactions. There is an effortless charm to this story, and it is simply fantastic.
Highly Recommended
One Day I Am Gonna Grow Wings by TheInfamousFly
Genre: 2P EQG Drama
It's time for you to talk with Celestia and Luna. Surely, this is the end.
Oh boy, Sunset angst. :) And drama and remorse and the Sunset Shimmer version of whatever Scootalove is. Through it all, we're right there, riding along inside her head. Did this story need to be told in second person? Maybe, maybe not; all I can tell you is that it is used excellently. I think the difference between second and first person is that a first person narrator can stil lie to us; when we're supposed to be the character, we are at the very least going to be aware of the lies. But yes, the writing is superb, the emotions are everything I want in this kind of story, and we're also treated to maybe the best demonstration I have ever seen of how the Elements of Harmony work on a person. Full marks.
Highly Recommended
The Ponyville Files by LastToTheParty
Genre: Comedy/Shipping
If Twilight and her friends are going to be Equestria's first defense against its enemies, she should have access to more information.
On the one hand, this is really funny, full stop. On the other hand, this is also a story that can't help but get in its own way. Twilight goes to the archives, she finds the titular files, she has a hard time deciphering them; through it all, we're mostly on the same page as her. At least, I was, and the fun was in figuring things out ahead of time; there's just not quite enough information for the final mystery until Twilight also gets it. But what I didn't need was Twilight's full thought processes basically telling me that, oh, there are a bunch of things she doesn't know! All this needed was the intro, the reports, and then her reaction to the final one and the conclusion. It doesn't help that there are some issues with the dialogue as well; I first thought it was just the recorded bits, but actually it happens in the outro as well. And as for the shipping, let's just say it's not the draw here. I like this, but I really want to like it more.
Vaguely Recommended
For the Better or the Worse by MATP
Genre: Drama
Is it too much to ask for to just be known?
This story is very strange. The dialogue is wooden, Thunderlane's motivation is entirely opaque, and it plays coy with his 'secret' identity all the way to the end, despite the fact that we're there with him the entire time. I'm honestly not sure what I'm supposed to get out of this. It's good the author got an editor, but I think this needed a bit more time at the idea stage to really come together.
Not Recommended
You Can't Handle the Tooth! by Serenity Darkmoon Raven
Genre: Slice of Life
I suspect this author is very young, given the way this is written. They also seem to have mixed up "ah" and "ya", in rendering Southern accents. I mean, however you feel about using "ah" for "I", it still very clearly means "I" and "ya" means "you", which makes the dialogue incredibly difficult to read. I hope they continue writing and improving.
Not Recommended
I'm sorry you didn't care for my story. It's far from my best work, despite scoring much better than several of my favourite stories, and I ended it prematurely because I ran out of time during the event.
Yes, this is something for which I received quite a bit of criticism, and I've since stopped. I wasn't aware of this rule's presence in style guides, and a lot of my earlier stories only had one speaker, which largely masked this. I just checked, and I've largely kept to this rule since February of 2024.
That's fair enough. A much better story than Fluttersurrogate, if I may make a suggestion to anyone else reading this comment, would be Short Stories About Fizzle Before She Pops. It's an anthology of short and sweet little stories about Tempest Shadow.
Oh wow
Thank you kindly for reviewing my old piece of work, and I'm kinda growing conscious it's getting picked for reviews, and perhaps I'll stick to keeping it 'on hiatus', but the boring truth is that it is in the process of intense rewriting right now and I haven't been much too clear about this fact. I'm not truly accustomed to being read, I suppose. Again, thank you for your sudden and humbling attention and critique, it is much appreciated. You raised some good points I intend to address
More for the list!
The boorus call him Uncle Curio; I call him a mirror image of my merchantly self.
My first draft wasn't so much "pared" as it was mechanically deboned, but I'm glad some semblance of a story managed to make it through my flurry of edits in the run-up to the deadline.
Even though this is some of my earliest writing, your insights are made no less helpful by the passage of time, and I thank you for them.
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Thank you for the comment! Respectfully, I find pregnancy and all things related to it to be repulsive on a fundamental level, which is why I figure your work is simply not suited to my tastes and thus not worth me digging into, for either of us.
Thank you for the review! May I ask which part of the dialogue stood out to you as rough? I'd like to avoid blatant lore drops in the future if I can help it
Hey, thanks for the recommended! If you enjoyed Chartreuse, there's more like it over in AdmiralSakai's Extended Cut series. I'm also working on a piece for that 'Fluttershy is Best Pony' competition. Hopefully it'll turn out ok!
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it might be when Crescent drops his family name, but I'm not 100% sure