GoodBye · 12:56am Jan 4th, 2013
I've always felt that my life was a mistake of some kind, the monotonous day to day events felt like someone, something was in control and using me for some sick form of amusement. As I became increasingly pained and tired of this life I lived I was becoming aware of this mistake yet unable to put my finger on it.
Finally, I've solved the mistake. The mistake of putting me into a human body and placing me into the human world. Who made that mistake I shall soon find out.
Still, I know I can't be a human on purpose. Humans can sit for eight hours a day, studying hard to be good at what people tell them they should be good at. Humans live in a world where everyone should be just like everyone else, and if anyone does not adhere to the human way, then they are not to be treated like one. Humans live in a world where if you don't like their music, wear their clothes, and adopt their way of life, then you are tortured, humiliated, and tormented.
I tried so hard to become human, but it never would have worked. School, at first a wondrous place of learning for me, soon became a missionary. Fellow students soon noticed and began telling me. over and over, what I already knew: I am an animal. And how are animals treated by humans? Either:
1. Their existence is completely ignored.
2. Humans will scrutinize them, find out how to control them and indoctrinate them for their own benefit, or-
3. They will torture them and eat them for dinner.
Aside from a pathetically small group of vegans I've come to know, this is how the human race has treated me. All that kept me going was taking long, lonely walks through nature, sympathizing with every oppressed form of life that humans have taken over. It seems that they are the only ones who know what it's like to be at the mercy of a population you don't adhere to. At least, no human knows, except me. This soul, stuck on an island, with nobody to understand that it's possible not to be like everyone else, which has been pushed around, walked all over, even by his so called best friend since Kindergarten, who has seen enough of his parents, brothers, and step-parents playing a tug-of-war of recruitment using me as a rope; who is finally taking that minuscule chance that there is an afterlife, and mine just might be somewhere I belong...maybe on a different world, in a different existence somewhere, because god knows I can't continue to exist in this one. And if not, then I will face nothing but eternal, blissful, dreamless sleep. I will never have to face the pain of getting up in the morning to take a bus to a Nazi camp, or deal with the pain of solitude on this island, or listen to how I should have been, and what I should have done better.
It's strange. I always thought that death would be scary but now I realized, death is not something to fear , it is something to enjoy.
Wrath - in the short time I've known you you have made a bigger impression on me than most of people I know in person. Thanks for being a good friend.
Bleeding Equine - You were a good friend too. Thank you for keeping in touch with me up until the end.
FiddleBottoms and the rest of the Cockroach club - Thank you for everything, in the short time I have been a member you have shown me the first ounce of kindness and friendship I have seen in a long time. Thanks for everything.
And finally, Jennifer, I love you. I'm sorry to do this to you. I know it's the cowards way out but at this point it's the only way I can see. Goodbye.
I just want you all to realize that my life was a waking nightmare every day , and death will wake me up from it. Now, if you will excuse me, it's time for me to take these pills and be done with it all.
I hope you're joking.
676532 Thanks, but I told you all about the shit from the last few weeks. You know i'm not joking.
676538
....Yea I guessed as much, is there anyway I can help? You could still get some professional help dude.
The "Bye" in your title has a capital letters, which suggests that it is a separate word, but there is no space
I'm gonna type up a really long thing so hang on a sec ok?
Also, I am glad to see that you understand the rather harsh reality of life, but getting out of it by killing yourself will not make it better. I had a similar idea a bit over a year ago, but I was too much of a coward to do anything. I am glad I did not, because then I would not have been able to have the hope of finding some way of fixing things when I get old enough for adults to pay attention to me.
676540 I can't afford the $500 dollars a week for a therapist. Even if I could I wouldn't want to put that on my mother. She has enough shit to deal with.
I'm not going to tell you that you necessarily shouldn't commit suicide, because I believe that's a decision everyone has to make for themselves, but I would urge you consider it very carefully, and that and that if you want to kill yourself, please not do it in a fit of emotion, but rather be calm and absolutely sure it's what you want.
I am a bit of a bipolar individual. I don't know if I technically have bipolar disorder or not, but I have a tendency to have wild emotional swings, and there have been many many times when I felt like suicide was the right option, not from any one particular thing, but just from the simple fact that I don't have a really clear plan for my life and very little in this world interests me. I haven't got anything to look forward to or anywhere to really go, and I've considered suicide from both an emotional and rational perspective.
I've never once in my life felt like I've fit in anywhere, I don't have a significant other, and probably wouldn't really know how to relate to one if I had one, I don't have a desire for great wealth or renown, and I don't really have any burning project buried deep in my soul that I feel needs to be completed. That's often left me with the question of why even get up in the morning. The reason you haven't seen me have some sort of Art-Inspired style breakdown is that I have all my breakdowns offline, and I only come online when I want to be happy and goofy, but believe me, I've had them.
To this day I haven't found a very good answer to that question, but there are a few things here and there that I take solace in, namely art. Creating art has been a great comfort to me, especially when I make something as a gift and watch someone spazz out in happiness when I give it to them. The reason I make so many ugly, broken, horrifying images is because I feel like I identify with things like that more so than I do with things that are beautiful.
The point I'm trying to make is that having something to do has helped me out a lot. I guess I'm not doing a great job of trying to lift your spirits up, and I don't know how helpful I can be since I haven't really decided if I want to eventually kill myself, but if you need someone to talk to, then you can talk to me, because I've been in some pretty dark places in my life before.
There's some speculation that you might be joking. After all, it wasn't long ago that you were asking for your Doorknob, but if there's even a chance that you're serious, then I want to help if I can.
Hey. You don't know me, but...
I once thought about doing the same thing. Later, I was glad I didn't, because my life eventually got a lot better. Think about it.
Look, just give me ten minutes.
676607 >The reason you haven't seen me have some sort of Art-Inspired style breakdown is that I have all my breakdowns offline, and I only come online when I want to be happy and goofy, but believe me, I've had them.
I know that feel, although likely less than you do. Also, great post
Don't go...
I try not to care about what humans say about me, I'm a loner really... But I hope you don't do it bro
676558 Then find someone you know, or someone you don't know, who is a good therapist. I would put in my resume, but I think that recommending what I have, and then putting my name forward would seem a tad selfish.
Regardless, I can help, I have helped others before, and I will help others in the future. If you want my free help, PM me. That is all I can do.
Geez, I don't know what to say, but I don't feel I can just not say anything here. I don't know, what you are going through, what your life has been like, though your description doesn't paint a very good picture.
But, even so, I know what it's like to look at your life and wonder what the hell your even doing. Some nights spent lying awake wondering what direction your life will go in. It may seem trite to say, but there are bright spots too. Even if you can't think of them at the moment. You have friends and those who care for you.
Just, make sure this is really the decision you want to make. You won't get a chance to change your mind later.
I know it probably won't help, but I could also be somebody you could talk to. The description of your life sounds similar to mine, even if it's different in a few minor ways.
I've always felt like I didn't fit in at my school. All the other kids were more "mature", and when I said something wrong (mostly because I was sheltered and didn't know what it meant), or didn't know what movie they were talking about, they would tease me because of it. When the girl I was dating in middle school cheated on me with the other guy in my section in band that had beaten me multiple times, I decided I'd had enough. I almost killed myself, and I regret ever doing that.
I'm the black sheep at my school, and people still don't like me. Sure, I have my small group of friends that I can talk to, but they're closer with the other people in that group.
With all intents and purposes, I'm alone. I can't relate to anybody else my age because they're off fantasizing about being famous, and I just want to have a happy life. I feel like a freak in my own life too.
So if you have to talk to anyone else, I'm here. I know Pascal already offered to lend an ear, but I will too if it helps you avoid killing yourself.
Do not dare say that you are not part of the Human race. Do not dare say that you are a simple animal waiting for the rest of us to torture you. Do you see any of us doing that to you? No. Saying that we do that is insulting all of us here, the ones trying to help you currently. Humans are a great race that you should be proud to be part of. You should be proud that the ones who are here are part of such a race. We are here, we are Human, and we care. A lot. You are not ignored. Even if we're not face to face, I'm sure that we'd treat you the same way that we are now if we could.
No one should ever treat a member of their fellow species like an animal. It's like cannibalism to a lesser degree. Hell, no living, sentient being should be treated like an animal, unless they treat you likewise. In which case, you're acting in self-defense. I knew a kid who actually had to have wit training from his parents so he could defend himself from the insults people would give him on a daily basis. He soon was known as a really funny guy and made many friends. I'm one of his friends. He found a way to throw the taunts back and gain from them.
Anyone can do this. Anyone can take what life throws at them, and make it better. There is always a better way. Always. Don't think that you're just a piece of pitiful existence. You are two things. You are a part of the Human race. The granddaddy being of dominance that runs this fucking planet, and will possibly go further. You are also an individual Human being. That alone makes you a weapon of mass progression. Don't count yourself as some insignificant thing, wasting his days away before he decided to end it early. No, any Human can do what Humanity has done alone with a bit of time.
If you don't like living in this plane of existence, make that a challenge. Find a way to shape the world better instead of saying, "I don't like it, I'm leaving forever." Or, find a way off of it without losing your life.
If you can't do it, figure it out. If you don't know how to figure it out, learn. If you still can't do it, you didn't have enough time. But you can definitely say that you tried your damn hardest trying, and your efforts could help others succeed. That right there would put you on the same level of 'Greatest People to Ever Live'.
And if you still feel like your life is one of unworthiness, then don't blame the whole of Humanity, because you, us, and a large deal of other good people are a part of that and nothing can change that otherwise, no matter what you say.
Okay, so, I heard you were gonna, ya know, off yourself. K, but before you do, can ask one thing, why? I want you to explain why your life is so horrifically bad that you need to off yourself.
So I clearly see you have internet, which means you're more then likely not in a third world country, so not a child soldier, not a slave (sex or otherwise), not a person who has zero freedoms. K.
Alright, I see you also get to go to school, which means you more then likely have a roof over your head, get to eat three or more meals a day, have people who love you (whether you want them to or not), and you probably even get nice things from these people. K.
Okay, so far, your life doesn't seem all that bad to me, but maybe you're bullied at school, so how does that affect you exactly? A bunch of punkass, weak willed kids are some how a threat to you? Do they hit you? Guess what, call the cops, that punkass just assaulted you, and he or she can spend the next six months in Juvenal.
Okay, maybe they don't hit you but take a verbal approach, so why are a bunch of words bothering you? You're clearly intelligent, which automatically makes you better than them in every way. Why, you ask? You're not stooping to their level, they are Neanderthals compared to you, they have to make someone else feel bad in order for their lives to be complete. Thus, you killing yourself lets them win, makes them happy, why would you want the them to be happy? Doesn't really make sense to me.
Whelp, I threw my out my two cents, and I'm pretty sure I've had a harder life than you, but whatever, it's your choice, do what you will with life. Just remember, you could be in a hellhole, raped daily, forced to murder children for the sick amusement of some guy you don't even know.
whoa whoa whoa! there are better things then killing yourself. have you thought about talking to your friends about this? have them help you or something?
I just like to advertise Albert Camus. It might be difficult to get through, but in this essay he argues that suicide is not a valid solution.
See you later.
At this time I would like to post that I am joking. I would never kill myself, I left that whiny Emo bullshit at grade school.
Any plans for making a suicide note generator?
679917 No, I didn't build the complaint generator. The most I have ever been able to code/build was a rock,paper,scissors game for Hnrs Computer Logic. If you have an IOS device you can download a mobile complaint generator for free though.
Also, Song Related, I was listening to this while I wrote the note,
679927 I do not usually listen to that type of music, but I like this one
680420 Dope is amazing. They are my second favorite band.
680478 Okay
676999 677038 678826
676992 677291
676820 678088
676818 678467
Gentlemen:
You may now proceed to loose your faith in humanity.
680778
//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Derpy_Hooves.png
680778
Saw that coming, but I figured, why not, just in case it's that one time.
Also, why you implyin'.
680856
I never meant to imply anything, unless I did by accident, what did I imply exactly?
680865
That I had faith in anything. //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png
678829 You asshole. I was inspiring for you. Do you realize how much you killed my pride and ego with that, especially with the large-ass post I made about the glory of humanity?
And I know Wrath was in on it now, but he at least PM'd me on how good of a person I am.
...Unless...
681220 You mad bro?
Yup. There are some things you just don't do. As much as you probably don't care, I'm leaving, and taking my watch with me. Have a good day.
[edit:] Just realized I never gave you a watch to begin with. Now I just won't give you one.
681283 I'm not even mad. More like... let down. I actually felt proud for what I did, and then you killed my buzz.
Then Wrath PM'd me again saying I was still awesome for what I said, so that brought back some pride.
682805 You're right, I don't care.