Friendship is Card Games: Ponyville Mysteries: Cursed Crusaders · 11:19am May 25th
This week we return to the Crusaders’ ongoing struggle against dark forces in spite of their sisters’ best efforts to keep them corralled. The Crusaders, not the dark forces. It’s a bit of a rock-paper-scissors situation.
On that note, the prologue deviates from the usual formula of “The Pony” contemplating their plans to seize a great power that lies at the heart of the Everfree to focus on those older sisters. (We now know The Pony is Eclipse, the matriarch of the Moon family, who’s plotting to claim Nightmare Moon’s helmet.) Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash are all furious that their sisters have defied being grounded… never mind that the fillies have saved Ponyville from multiple supernatural disasters.
Meanwhile, the Crusaders are still trying to find their way back from where the royal sisters secured the helmet, where they restored the defenses at the end of the last novel. Scootaloo considers what to tell her hero and aunts and decides “Luna told us to do this in a dream”—which she did—is too crazy for them to believe. Never mind the entire town getting called in to help with the Tantabus.
Also, a reminder that Celestia herself knows about the fillies’ mission and has elected not to tell anypony in Ponyville about it.
Apple Bloom calls an emergency meeting of the Crusaders to order, complete with “a hastily made agenda, constructed out of sap-covered leaves stuck on a tree trunk,” to prepare for Eclipse’s next move. While Scootaloo wants to just leave matters to Twilight, according to Luna, destiny demands the Crusaders’ involvement. Or at least that of a group of ponies with shared cutie marks, and the only other one around is the Moon family, thanks to Eclipse’s generational manipulations. Yes, the generational manipulations for a lock the royal sisters made a few years ago. I don’t know if this is a continuity error or a sign of how good Eclipse’s divination abilities are. Possibly both.
There’s also the matter of Ambermoon and Lilymoon. While Eclipse has been plotting with (or possibly controlling) the fillies’ parents Blue Moon and Lumi Nation, the fillies themselves have proven not just innocent of their elders’ dark ambitions, but have helped the Crusaders thwart them. Keeping them safe (and making sure Twilight knows to do so) is a priority.
But before Apple Bloom can get to item number three, Eclipse’s croaking laugh echoes through the trees. Scootaloo tackles the others and gets enough wing thrust to shove them behind a large fern. Shortly after, Eclipse approaches with the Moon sisters following, insisting that they help her with “a little magical project.” Scootaloo insists on rescuing them, especially once Eclipse starts casting.
The others try to talk her down, especially when it turns out to just be “a beacon spell,” but Scoots is insistent. I suppose helping friends is less imposing than being the sole defenders of a dark artifact of dread power. Apple Bloom thinks they should trail the Moons subtly so they can report back to Twilight. Sweetie realizes beacon spells are “used to show somepony where you are” just in time for the parents to show up behind the Crusaders.
Talking is not a free action, girls.
While Scootaloo regrets being appointed a Guardian of the Livewood—the Livewood being the living arboreal containment cell for Nightmare Moon’s Helm of Shadows—her shout to run for it alerts the Moon sisters of the Crusaders’ presence, which in turn gets them to call after them… while smiling in the exact same eerie manner as their father. Just as Scootaloo realizes they need to get out of there, both sisters blast her.
Thankfully, Scootaloo has “moons of practice doing Wonderbolts warm-ups with Rainbow Dash” and literally backflips to avoid the magic bolts. Sweetie hauls up a boulder to take the shots, but the sisters quickly wear it down. Further proof of my hypothesis that any pony is an action hero waiting to happen.
Sweetie tries calling in the peryton the Crusaders befriended in the previous novel, but it’s too bright out for a creature of darkness to be any help. (Yes, even in the Everfree’s dense canopy. Shut up.) Eclipse belts out a villainous classic—“Fools! You let them escape!”—and hits the Crusaders with a spell that doesn’t seem to do anything more than cause a momentary chill… until Scootaloo trips on a root, crashes into the other Crusaders, and sends all of them tumbling down a cliff.
The good news is that while they hit just about every hard surface they could, they actually got out of the Everfree. The bad news is that two steps later, storm clouds gather directly overhead. Which really shouldn’t be possible in a world with controlled weather. They find shelter in a decrepit fruit stand which immediately starts to collapse. Sweetie finds a bench to try to prop it up… that has a wasps’ nest attached to it. One thing leads to another and the girls end up covered in mud just in time for the storm to clear and the sun to start baking that dirt into their coats.
Gee, I wonder what Eclipse’s spell did.
Miserable and filthy, the Crusaders trudge towards Ponyville. Trixie approaches them, caravan in tow, and grudgingly agrees to help save Equestria… after they clean themselves off.
“I don’t want you tracking mud on my magic carpet.”
“If she has a magic carpet, why does she drive a cart?”
Okay, that got me to smile.
In any case, Sweetie tries to cast a spell Rarity taught her to get stains out of silk… and it leaves their coats puffed out like “they’d been blown dry by the wind-force of a hundred Dizzitrons.” Sweetie sheepishly speculates that it works better on clothes as Trixie all but falls over laughing.
Scootaloo barely has a moment to relax before a box of smoke bombs falls off of a high shelf, one of the wagon’s wheels snaps off, and Trixie becomes furious. She’ll have to cancel tonight’s show, and blames the Crusaders for being bad luck.
Let it never be said Trixie isn’t perceptive in matters of spite and misfortune. The Crusaders test the possibility with a coin flip... and the bit gets eaten by a frog before it can land. There’s only one logical conclusion: They’ve been cursed, to the point where being near other creatures is actively dangerous to them.
So, you know, they’ve become their fanon selves. 
A rustling in the bushes has Scootaloo ready for anything from a basilisk to Chrysalis… and it turns out to be Starlight Glimmer. Why she’s in a bush is unclear, but attempting to demonstrate the curse to her with another coin flip doesn’t have anything unusual happen. Still, they’re able to explain everything that happened the night before and she decides to take them to Twilight.
Cue a cattle stampede headed right for them. Starlight is much more willing to entertain the idea of a curse, especially when her drawing close to the Crusaders makes the cattle part around them and backing away results in a sinkhole opening up directly beneath Sweetie Belle. It turns out Starlight maintains a protection spell against dark magic at all times, a habit from her bad old days.
Honestly? This makes perfect sense. Less so the fact that the curse is so powerful, all of Starlight’s magic is committed to keeping it at bay, so she can’t cast similar wards on the Crusaders while next to them. Or any other spells. And there’s the question of how long it will last when protecting four ponies against such an intense malediction. They need to get to Twilight ASAP.
Starlight needs information about the caster to undo the curse—and presumably so would Twilight, which is why they’re not trying to find her—but three adolescents haven’t been able to collect the necessary arcane data for a countercurse. The only option is the Moon family’s house on Horseshoe Hill. Thankfully, Eclipse outright said the family wouldn’t be back all day, so they’re free to rummage through her study.
Scootaloo checks the bookshelves. Most are in Old Ponish, but one slim volume full of spidery hornwriting seems to be a journal. Trying to read it transports her to the cobbled streets of an old village she’s never seen before, in front of a fountain of a bat-winged alicorn. Trying to ask a passing couple what’s going on has them pass through her, making Scootaloo realize she’s transparent.
As she tries to wrap her mind around everything going on at the moment, the stallion telekinetically shapes the fountain water into a heart, to the mare’s delight. Then the scene shifts to a hospital, with the stallion bedridden and in a coughing fit. An earth pony doctor shakes his head and the mare runs out of the room in tears. Another flash, and the mare runs to the edge of the village, pounding on a cottage door and answered by Eclipse, who offers a potion… and a contract.
Scootaloo screams at the mare not to take the deal like she’s watching a horror movie. And like a movie, the mare can’t hear her. She signs, and the next scene shifts to the couple’s wedding, with Eclipse in attendance, cruelly smiling over the proceedings. Only in the next scene, with two familiar foals, does Scootaloo realize the couple are Blue Moon and Lumi Nation. Their demeanor was so unlike the unsettling ponies she’s known that she hadn’t recognized them until now.
There’s another reason as well: Eclipse enters the scene, calls in Lumi’s debt, and warps the couple’s cutie marks to similar motifs as her own, with a moon and thunderclouds overlaying the original icons. She then hits Blue Moon with the mind whammy that’s had him smiling ever since, and Lumi sadly stands aside to allow the crone access to the foals.
Scootaloo drops to the floor of Eclipse’s study, the others having experienced the same visions. Starlight recognizes the setting as Trotsylvania and explains that Scootaloo had found Lumi Nation’s “mementorial,” basically a Pensieve in written form. Apple Bloom’s goes looking for Eclipse’s… and wanders out of Starlight’s wards, making the shelves collapse and blocking the door to the room with a massive pile of books. The sheer quantity is beyond even what the curse can cause; Starlight calls it out as a security spell and calls the girls to take shelter under a reading table.
I can’t help but think that enough time around Twilight Sparkle gives anyone experience with book avalanches.
By the time the dust settles, the four are at the bottom of an unstable mound of literature that could take days to get through. Starlight tries to reassure the fillies by recounting one of her own most hopeless points in the changeling hive and is struck by inspiration… but she’ll need to drop the protection spell. She tells the three of them to “keep perfectly still. The less you do, the less the curse has to work with.” Apparently she forgot about the sinkhole.
Still, they don’t have any other options. The Crusaders agree, Starlight starts casting… and the faintest mote of dust drifts up Scootaloo’s nose. The tiniest sneeze she can make is enough to make one of the table legs splinter and books get pushed into the shelter. But Starlight conjures a glowing doorway that they dive through moments before getting crushed.
And on the other side, a dwarf rhino skates by as a comet passes overhead. Starlight literally cast gate and brought them to Discord’s realm. She quickly reestablishes her protection spell, not just against the curse but their surroundings: “This is no place for ponies. If we get separated, we might never find one another again.”
I have to wonder if she’s been here before.
Still, this was apparently the safe option. Teleporting four ponies to Namepending Castle with that much bad luck around could have been, quote, “bad.” The key difference is distance. Traveling miles by magic would give the curse plenty of opportunities to mess it up. Taking a few steps into another plane not so much. But getting back to where you’re going from Limbo is easier said than done; Starlight’s gateways open up to everywhere from Yakyakistan to Mount Aris to the moon, but not Ponyville.
What feels like days later—not that I expect time to be any more consistent than space here—Starlight has a good feeling about this next one… and opens a gate to the bottom of the ocean. The resulting flood sweeps away all four ponies, at least until Discord himself collects them, grousing about the rudeness of breaking into his home without writing first.
“Hello, Discord,” Starlight said, shaking her mane dry. “Always a pleasure.”
“A pleasure?” Discord said increduously. “What is pleasurable about popping into my realm unannounced and causing all kinds of trouble. Annoyance is more like it.”
“Well, now you know how it feels when you do it!” Starlight smirked.
10/10, no notes.
Still, that banter has Discord questioning why he should even help until Scootaloo yells at him that they’re two degrees of friendship removed from one another and helping is what friends do. Discord is amused by the mini-Rainbow Dash and transports to his house, complete with cozy fireplace. Starlight gets shushed; Discord “[wants] to speak with the main characters in this story.” (I can’t say I’m surprised that the book’s disregarding the comics that have Discord as an honorary Crusader; side content rarely considers other side content.)
After a brief overview of the situation, Discord notes that Scootaloo “[seems] very emo right now,” and Scootaloo herself realizes she’s on the verge of tears. Between the curse, being a danger to anypony who gets close to them, and the crushing sense of doubt and inadequacy over Luna’s appointed mission, it’s no wonder she’s reaching an emotional breaking point.
The oven goes off, and Discord goes to tend to his spinach puffs while leaving more experienced hoofs to deal with the whole “reassurance” thing. Sweetie admits that she’s been sure Luna made a mistake… but Apple Bloom has too much faith in her friends to even consider the idea. Especially after all they’ve already been through in this book series alone. After a group hug, they remember Starlight’s in the room, and she smiles and assures the fillies that, resourceful as they are, they’d have found a way to break Eclipse’s curse in time.
And that gets Discord to drop a baking tray. He hasn’t heard the name “Auntie Eclipse” in a long time. She’s apparently been around since before he was first petrified, even trying to capture him and bind him to her will. (“Spoiler alert: She didn’t.”) He doesn’t know precisely how long she’s been terrorizing sapientkind, but he appreciates the magnitude of the problem and objects to sending three horribly cursed fillies right into the laps of “the six most powerful ponies in Equestria.”
Apple Bloom asks him to explain the situation to the Bearers, and we get another wonderful bit of banter.
“That’s… I can’t believe I didn’t think of that!” Starlight said, surprised.
“It didn’t involve you showing off all those fancy powers of yours, so why would you?” Discord smiled innocently.
Seriously, this is great.
However, Discord “wouldn’t want to get in the way of a young filly’s personal growth” and objects to Starlight doing the same, warping the space of his living room to put the Crusaders outside of her wards.
And nothing happens.
Unfortunately, the curse isn’t gone; it just can’t work in this realm. The curse works by logically determining the worst possible thing that could happen, then making it happen. As Discord proudly notes, “There’s no logic here. It’s all chaos!”
Starlight is incredibly frustrated to learn that she could have left the Crusaders here and Discord justifies not telling her by leaning on the fourth wall until it creaks: “This isn’t a Starlight Glimmer saves the day story. This is a Cutie Mark Crusaders put the clues together and solve the mystery story. Obviously.”
And sure enough, after a few more questions (the curse will be back in fact once they’re back in logical reality, anything they try will backfire, and there is a way to beat Eclipse) Scootaloo declares she knows how to break the curse. This may be the best presentation of Discord as trickster mentor I’ve seen in all official pony media.
After an off-screen explanation of the plan, Starlight isn’t sure, but the Crusaders believe in one another. It’s not any crazier than what they’ve pulled off in the past. Discord, meanwhile, is driving the hot pink dream car that’s taking them to a viable transfer point… directly into the jaws of an enormous dragon. Mind you, that was to avoid traffic. Starlight’s disapproval sends them into gridlock amid a massive flock of cockatrices. One more shout and they’re in the Everfree, with Discord berating Starlight for not staying in her narrative lane. “Wait until you’re asked for help, or you’ll ruin everything these little heroes have planned.”
I genuinely do appreciate this approach to fourth-wall awareness. Discord knows we’re here. We know he knows. He doesn’t have to wink and nod at us like certain mercs with mouths, just use that knowledge to make sure it all ends well for the kids. Children are such wonderful sources of chaos, after all, especially the ones who freed him in the first place.
In any case, the Crusaders get their bearings once they’re sure it’s safe to look: The Moon family is once more trying to break into the Livewood. Starlight is ready to help if and when they need her, Discord glad to see she can learn. He folds up the car—“Need to keep it safe. Convention exclusive, you know.”—and waves off Scootaloo’s thanks. After all, he has a reputation to uphold, and he’ll never finish his rock opera if creatures think he’s “nice.” He vanishes after coaxing a high note out of some nearby boulders, and it’s all up to the Crusaders.
They sneak up to the Livewood under Starlight’s protection as the Moons are making their way to the three pillars that will allow those with matching marks to pass as Eclipse chants a spell, “her horn glowing with bloodred magic.” (Again, I’m assuming the flow of time gets very inconsistent in Discord’s realm. It’s basically the Warp with lower odds of getting your soul eaten.)
The Crusaders charge, distracting Lumi Nation, who’s been puppeting her daughters and leaving them standing stock-still as she starts dueling Starlight. A banana peel manifests under Apple Bloom’s hoof—hey, remember how the curse needs a chain of logic?—and sends all three Crusaders tumbling in a heap… right in front of Eclipse. Scootaloo braces for the end as the old witch declares “It’s time I finished you three troublemakers once and for all.”
And then an overripe melon falls on her head.
And the rind throws off the aim of the blast she sends at them, sending Blue Moon to his knees.
And her attempt to get out of range of her own curse sends her sinking into a patch of quicksand that hadn’t been there at moment ago.
Screaming, Eclipse has no choice but to lift the curse. And then the Crusaders call Starlight for help, who’s able to get there just in time to start deflecting Eclipse’s attacks back towards her. She tells them to run… but before they can get to the trees, Lumi holds them in place.
And then Blue Moon tackles her, eyes clear, mouth not smiling, and looking much more like the memory of him from years before.
Starlight cries for them to duck just in time to avoid a massive blast from Eclipse that, according to Scootaloo, “was Princess Celestia-level magic.” I’m choosing to take that with a grain of salt given that Scootaloo admitted she doesn’t know much about magic earlier in this very book, but they are dealing with a centuries-old witch.
In any case, Starlight teleports the Crusaders away, taking Blue Moon along at their insistence… and leaving four ponies with matching marks at the gates of the Livewood.
We cut to the Bearers’ throne room, where Blue Moon confirms that Lumi’s contract bound the family to Eclipse’s loyal service in exchange for the cure… and speculates that the witch may have made him ill to begin with. All to claim the Helm and plunge Equestria into an eternal reign of darkness.
He also explains that he wasn’t always locked into Stepford smiling, but Eclipse would often put him under to force Lumi to comply with her demands, returning his free will as the reward for obedience. Twilight notes that that kind of compulsion takes a lot of magic, so only using it as needed makes sense. Starlight admires the efficiency of controlling two ponies with one spell… from a purely academic perspective, of course. As for dominating the Moon sisters, Eclipse is burning magic like there’s no tomorrow because she’s in the final phase of her plan, and because she knows she’s running out of time with the Bearers of Harmony coming after her.
Fluttershy demands to know how Blue could let this happen to his own children, but the contract gives both of them to Eclipse’s custody if the parents violate it. And, as I noted earlier, snatching him out of the witch’s clutches just means she lost the spare.
The entire room falls silent as they do basic math. Twilight stands ready to stop them, but Starlight tells her no. This is the Crusaders’ fight.
Naturally, their sisters object (and Scootaloo swears she can hear Discord sigh in relief) but Twilight asks the Crusaders themselves how they feel about the idea. They’re scared. They know it won’t be easy. But together, they can overcome anything. Twilight looks on them with pride and guides everypony to get the fillies as ready as they can to save Equestria.
The moment was only slightly ruined by Applejack leaning down to whisper…
“But after you save Equestria… y’all are still grounded.”
The epilogue is from Lumi Nation’s perspective, hating herself for doing nothing as Eclipse directs her daughters up the pillars of the gate, but knowing from long experience that resistance is futile. Her only hope, beyond Eclipse maybe letting them go after all her ambitions are fulfilled, lies in the Crusaders, who have successfully thwarted Eclipse where so many have failed.
But that chance is narrow indeed. The epilogue closes with Lumi taking her place atop the third pillar the vines grudgingly pulling away from the Livewood’s entrance. Bells chime sad tones as the sanctum lies open.
So yeah, that was pretty darn great. Leagues better than Human Rainbow Dash vs. Gender Discrimination in Sports as written by someone who knows nothing about sports. Definitely less self-contained than previous volumes in the series, but a good lead-up to the finale. Let’s see what I can make of it:
Purge the Darkness 1W
Instant
You gain hexproof until end of turn. Destroy all Curses attached to you.
“Twilight says most ponies don’t constantly maintain wards against dark magic, but that just seems unsafe.”
—Starlight Glimmer
Witch’s Cure 2W
Instant
Bargain (You may sacrifice an artifact, enchantment, or token as you cast this spell.)
You gain 13 life. If this spell wasn’t bargained, you can’t gain life for the rest of the game.
Beware the apothecary who has medicine ready before you ask.
Stopped in Their Tracks 3WW
Instant
Prevent all combat damage that would be dealt by attacking creatures target player controls this turn. Put a petrification counter on each of those creatures. They gain defender and become colorless artifacts in addition to their other types. Their activated abilities can’t be activated.
Overzealous Protector 4WW
Creature — Archon
Flying, vigilance
Nonland creatures with mana value 3 or less are detained. (They can’t attack or block and their activated abilities can’t be activated.)
Worse than the tyrant is the suffocating caretaker.
4/6
Curse of Blunders 1UU
Enchantment — Aura Curse
Enchant player
Whenever enchanted player casts a spell, counter that spell unless that player pays X, where X is the number of spells they’ve cast this turn.
“Oh no, not again.”
—Sweetie Belle
Bitsnatcher Frog 2U
Creature — Frog
When this creature enters, gain control of target token for as long as you control this creature.
At the beginning of your end step, if you control no tokens, you may exile this creature. If you do, return it to the battlefield under your control.
1/3
Into the Mementorial 4UU
Sorcery
For each opponent, you may cast up to one target nonland, noncreature card from that player’s graveyard without paying its mana cost. If a spell cast this way would be put into a graveyard, exile it instead. Each permanent spell cast this way enters with a finality counter on it.
Bookslide Trap 5UU
Instant — Trap
This spell costs 1 less to cast for each creature attacking you and/or a planeswalker you control.
Put target attacking creature into its owner’s library just beneath the top X cards of that library, where X is the number of creatures attacking you and/or planeswalkers you control.
Eclipse’s Machinations 1B
Enchantment
At the beginning of your upkeep, you lose 1 life. When you do, if you control a creature, target creature you control connives. Otherwise, create a 1/1 black Unicorn Warlock creature token with deathtouch. (To have a creature connive, draw a card, then discard a card. If you discarded a nonland card, put a +1/+1 counter on that creature.)
Trotsylvanian Fountain 2B
Artifact
T: Add B.
1BB: This artifact becomes a 3/3 Bat Pony Pegasus Unicorn artifact creature with flying, lifelink, and deathtouch until end of turn.
Few villages bother with walls. The town square is enough of a defense.
The Witch’s Aid 2B
Enchantment — Saga
(As this Saga enters and after your draw step, add a lore counter. Sacrifice after III.)
I — Target creature an opponent controls gets -3/-3 until end of turn.
II — Target opponent discards a card. You draw a card.
III — Put target creature card with mana value 3 or less from a graveyard onto the battlefield under your control.
Crumble Underhoof 4B
Sorcery
Each opponent sacrifices a creature and a land of their choice.
A bad luck curse doesn’t need much to cause the worst possible outcome. Sometimes all the victim has to do is stand still.
Ordeal of Discord 1R
Enchantment — Aura
Enchant creature
Whenever enchanted creature attacks, put a +1/+1 counter on it. Then if it has three or more +1/+1 counters on it, sacrifice this Aura.
When you sacrifice this Aura, discover 3.
Discord, Plot Catalyst 1RR
Legendary Planeswalker — Discord
+1: Exile the top card of your library. Until the end of your next turn, you may play that card.
-1: Creatures you control get +1/+0 and gain trample and haste until end of turn.
-6: Each opponent chooses a creature they control. Gain control of the rest until end of turn. Untap all creatures you gain control of this way. They gain haste until end of turn.
3
Irrational Disruption 1RR
Sorcery
For each white and/or blue permanent, that permanent phases out unless its controller pays 2 life. (While it’s phased out, treat it as though it doesn’t exist. It phases in before its controller untaps during their next untap step.)
Logic and reason look at Discord’s realm and take the rest of the day off.
Chaos Hellkite 5RR
Creature — Dragon
Flying, trample, haste
Whenever this creature deals combat damage to a player, discover X, where X is that damage. (Exile cards from the top of your library until you exile a nonland card with that mana value or less. Cast it without paying its mana cost or put it into your hand. Put the rest on the bottom in a random order.)
6/6
Follow the Narrative 2G
Sorcery
If a chapter ability of a Saga you control triggers this turn, it triggers an additional time. Proliferate. (Choose any number of permanents and/or players, then give each another counter of each kind already there.)
“Someone has to be the hero. But not me.”
—Discord
Dream Car 3G
Enchantment Artifact — Vehicle
Haste
Constellation — Whenever this Vehicle or another enchantment you control enters, you may have this Vehicle become a creature in addition to its other types until end of turn.
“License? A poetic one, certainly.”
—Discord
5/4
Singing Stones 3G
Creature — Elemental Bard
Finale — Whenever you sacrifice a Song, put three +1/+1 counters on target land you control. That land becomes a 0/0 Elemental creature token with haste that’s still a land.
The right tune can get anything up and dancing.
3/4
Wander the Realms 3G
Sorcery
Reveal cards from the top of your library until you reveal a land card. Put that card onto the battlefield tapped and the rest on the bottom of your library in a random order.
Storm (When you cast this spell, copy it for each spell cast before it this turn.)
Compulsion Magic UR
Instant
Tiered (Choose one additional cost.)
Suggest — 0 — You may choose new targets for target spell with a single target.
Command — 4 — Gain control of target spell. You may choose new targets for it.
Dominate — 5B — Gain control of target spell. You may choose new targets for it. You control that spell’s owner until end of turn.
Mud Troll 1RG
Creature — Troll
Trample
This creature’s power is equal to the number of land cards in your graveyard.
(rg), Sacrifice a land: This creature gains indestructible until end of turn. Tap it.
“Not my worst audience.”
—Trixie Lulamoon, traveling performer
*/3
Chrysalis’s Revenge 2BR
Sorcery
Destroy target creature you don’t control. For each creature destroyed this way, create a token that’s a copy of it, except it has haste and “At the beginning of the end step, sacrifice this token.”
Overload 4BBRR (You may cast this spell for its overload cost. If you do, change “target” in its text to “each.”)
Crashing Cattle 3RG
Creature — Ox
Trample, haste
Storm
“Ain’t no stopping a stampede once it starts. You gotta steer it.”
—Applejack, Bearer of Honesty
3/3
Volatile Nexus
Land
This land enters with two depletion counters on it.
T, Remove a depletion counter from this land: Add BR. If there are no depletion counters on this land, sacrifice it.
No landmark lasts for long in Discord’s realm.
So all they have to do is find Eclipse, who will cancel the spell to save her own hide because she didn't know that the Crusaders are sufficiently used to misfortune to survive and confront her again?
Discord isn't a fan of murder attempts. The fact that it had no real chance of success is canceled out by the fact that he was the victim.
Again, you disintegrated this man at least once. On the other hand, this is the god of chaos. I like to think the golden rule applies and he wants a life as chaotic as the one he's creating for others.
Content rarely considers other content. Do I have to link to Oliver's blog again?
My Fourth-Wall Observer OCs go as far as to have the rule "don't give Doylist explanations to Watson": if you're talking to someone, the point is to be understood. The reader can get your real thoughts if they matter.
Again, this was the most narratively satisfying way to resolve that plot point, and thus the only thing that could have happened.
Inside Baseball Alert: Bitsnatcher Frog is flavorfully meant to be stealing specifically Treasure tokens, but there's nothing stopping you from using it to, say, punish hastur.dek for its arrogance. (That's two links!)
Inside Baseball Alert: The Ordeals were from Theros, based on their gods. They all worked this way.
Stupid Complicated Game Alert: Yes, Ordeal of Discord can potentially discover another copy of itself. Try again next combat.
Bro this curse is some Wonder Of U shit. If the book was any longer the crusaders were gonna get hit with exploding light bulbs and falling royal guard chariots.