Story Reviews » Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCLXXIII – CoffeeMinion Edition · 5:01pm Dec 12th, 2024
Happy holidays, folks, and welcome to another review blog! But before that, I've got something important to bring up.
Over Thanksgiving, my brother asked about our Aunt Margarete. Aunt Margarete is actually Great Aunt Margarete, sister of my grandmother on my mother's side and the last surviving member of her generation. Anyway, it came out that she turned 99 this year. The doctors deem her in 'poor health', so no guarantees she'll hit that big one-oh-oh. The conversation made clear that we may be getting the phone call at any time.
The topic got me to thinking about my (hopefully far away) demise and my presence here. If I were to, say, die in a car crash this weekend, how would anyone here know about it? I mean, sure, the reviews would come to an abrupt end and I'd stop communicating with people, but that doesn't tell anyone why. After all, nobody on this site knows me personally, at least not to the degree that if I died someone would inform them about it. It got me wondering if I shouldn't have some kind of backup plan, a way to get the word out if I were to meet an early doom. I think if I died I'd want people to know why the reviews came to a stop. Maybe I'll make some arrangement with my sister; as a fellow writer, she's the only one who I think would appreciate the situation enough to do something about it.
To the point: If you value the friends you've made on this site, make a plan. These sorts of things never happen when we expect them to.
On to the reviews! Today I'm spotlighting the one and only CoffeeMinion. Why? Because I wanted to, of course! Also, prior to this blog I've reviewed half a dozen stories by them and they've consistently provided great material, so I thought a deeper dive would be worthwhile. Spoiler: I was not disappointed.
But first, a review for the longest story I've yet to read to completion on this site.
Stories for This Week:
The Olden World by Czar_Yoshi
Bra Quest! by CoffeeMinion
Change We Can Believe In by CoffeeMinion
The Counselor by CoffeeMinion
A Little Space by CoffeeMinion
Looking For Trouble by CoffeeMinion
Peace Through Superior Pie-er-Power by CoffeeMinion
Purple Rain by CoffeeMinion
A Very Cranky Hearth's Warming by CoffeeMinion
Zephyr and the Real Girl by CoffeeMinion
Total Word Count: 2,054,223
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 8
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
The Olden World
2,020,719 Words
By Czar_Yoshi
Requested by Celestial Petrichor
Alternate Title: Everything You Wanted to Know About Starlight Glimmer but Were Too Afraid to Ask (Because Starlight’s Friggin’ Scary)
Something was wrong with Starlight Glimmer, something that came to a head after her best friend left her. With no love for her adopted parents and feeling like Equestria is all wrong somehow, she decides to run away. Run where, exactly? Who cares? She goes north, into the mountains. Maybe she’ll find something worthwhile that way. Or die. That would be fine too.
This one opens with Starlight Glimmer still a filly on the fine line between child and teenager. We start with her all alone in the caves of the mountains, trying to find her way to some unknown destiny in the north. In many ways, the story begins similarly to how Imploding Colon’s Austraeoh did, with long bouts of scenic silence and contemplation in the wilderness. This is appropriate, seeing as how this was inspired by that story in the first place.
But, also as in Austraeoh, the story eventually brings us to local civilization, and our adventure kicks off properly. This is essentially a retelling of six months of Starlight’s foalhood adventures in this new world. To be clear, The Olden World operates under the premise that the planet (or maybe just the continent?) is divided into two roughly equally sized regions, the north and the south, with the south being Equestria as we know it. For reasons unknown, Celestia created the Aldenfold mountains as a massive natural barrier blocking contact between these two regions. This communications blackout is so intense that the vast majority of ponies on both sides are unaware that the other exists in the first place.
But Starlight is an incredible little filly, and thus managed to find a way through to a northern landscape she never knew existed. There she begins a long, winding path of activity, from finding a new adoptive family in the estrogen-infused small town of Riverfall to the big, confusing city or Ironridge to the bigger, even more confusing Griffon Empire. She’ll make new friends, have conversations with gods, battle windigos, survive a surprisingly large number of extreme falls, occasionally be a ghost, explore dungeons, learn ancient Luna-related secrets, explore ocean depths, travel the skies in airships, meet less-than-trustworthy dopplegangers, get trapped (and untrapped) in crystal, explode twice (at least), gets discorded (curiously not by Discord), destroys a city, and so many other things I haven’t the time to say. Point is, things tend to get wild.
There’s one major downside to all of this, and I figure I’ll get to it now: despite everything I pointed out above, this story redefines the term “slow burn”. Well, maybe not, I can think of at least one story that took the concept to similar if not worse extremes (I’m looking at you, Scyphi). Even so, this story has a problem with waxing philosophical. Sometimes it feels like a character can’t cross a street without first having a long philosophical debate about whether they shouldn’t have done it two blocks ago or a block later or if they should do it at all and maybe they never should have left the house in the first place. Czar_Yoshi refuses to let the audience interpret the implications of events on their own, instead preferring to spend thousands of words on an individual topic, usually in the form of two or more characters debating pros and cons and their feelings and how the current topic relates to their personal pasts and the fifty options they have as a result. There are times when you want to shake the author and shout “get on with it already!” This is, unquestionably, The Olden World’s greatest weakness.
To be fair, everything happening here tends to weigh heavy. This isn’t just a story about Starlight; she accumulates a whole host of companions to travel with, some more important than others, and all of them have something big to contribute in their own ways. Most critical is Valey, a bat pony who frequently acts as the story’s secondary protagonist and steals the spotlight for long stretches of time. This is fine, because Valey is ceaselessly interesting. She’s essentially The Olden World’s version of Austraeoh’s Rainbow Dash: a confident, braggadocious badass perfectly capable of stomping even the most powerful enemies into powder but also dealing with a hefty dose of personal issues. Everyone loves Valey (in-story, that’s kinda literal) and it’s not hard to see why.
While we’re on the supporting roles… There’s Maple, an earth pony with a ton of baggage and a desperate need to be needed, fulfilling that by becoming Starlight’s new adoptive mother. (Which brings up a side-note: To their credit, Czar_Yoshi made no attempt to course correct after the show disproved anything in the story, so forget everything the show tells you about Starlight’s past, it doesn’t apply here.) We’ve got Gerardo: griffon, former noble, storyteller and professional adventurer who just can’t seem to stop sticking his beak into awkward situations (also, the only male member of the crew). Shinespark comes in as a local leader of ponies and airship engineer with an astonishingly powerful cutie mark but heaps of personal guilt (don’t talk to her about tables). Other minor roles include pony-turned-android Nyala, Slipstream the moral support, Felicity the Rarity-esque and ever-flirtatious batpony with an axe to grind, Harshfeather the ex-mercenary who fell in love too easily, and… is that everypony? Feels like I’m missing someone. I don’t think Glimmer counts as a crewmate.
Then there's Jamjars, who I saved for last on purpose because I love her. The only full-time member of the crew to be around Starlight’s age, Jamjars steals the show with her every appearance, even outclassing Valey most of the time for sheer spotlight potential. I like to think of her as a younger version of Trixie, minus the third-person dialogue and magician shtick but with plenty of loneliness-suppressing ego and “fuck you, I do what I want” attitude. Many of Jamjars’ appearances were silly or for comedic relief, but at the same time she’s constantly meddling behind the scenes looking for ways to up her game, support the crew, and arrange back-up plans. Despite her overt selfishness, this habitual sneak is in some ways the most responsible pony of the entire crew, which makes her all the more tragic when you realize that most of the crew don’t appreciate her or her contributions. In many ways, she’s treated as the team’s pariah. Czar_Yoshi themselves contribute to this treatment by refusing to give her (surprisingly important) last-minute activities any closure.
I can’t help but wonder if adult Starlight gets along with canon Trixie so well because she reminds her of Jamjars, whom she treated so poorly in the past for no other reason than a lack of mutual understanding.
Come to think of it, that’s a big kicker for this story: it explains so much about the modern Starlight Glimmer. To a certain degree, I saw this coming. When it was revealed that Shinespark’s special talent allowed her to fly despite being a unicorn, I knew instantly that this had to relate to Starlight’s own canon ability to fly via magic. What I didn’t expect was how much else was being hinted at, most of which didn’t get confirmed until practically the end. Why is Starlight’s magic powerful enough to match that of Twilight Sparkle, canonically the most powerful alicorn? Why is she so good in a fight? How did she learn to create crystals? How did she come to found Our Town? What does her cutie mark stand for? Where did she learn to steal cutie marks and where did the Staff of Sameness come from? What is the wall that holds cutie marks? All of these things and more are given solid, reasonable explanations by this story, but you don’t realize that they’re being offered until the biggest mystery of the whole book gets resolved in the eleventh hour. It kind of floored me when the implications hit, and it may have been my favorite moment in the whole thing.
Aside from all that, there is of course the action. Yes, despite the hundreds of thousands of words devoted to seemingly endless discussions of what is happening and why and how it makes us feel, a good chunk of the story does have action. This too has that feel of Austraeoh in it, namely in the form of Valey and Starlight kicking inordinate amounts of flank (in the former's case, often without breaking a sweat). But I think Czar_Yoshi handles their action sequences better, because for as crazy as the fighting gets, there’s always a sense of genuine danger there. Austraeoh’s Rainbow Dash could take life-ending blows and tank them like an equine Kryptonian. In comparison, Valey (and Starlight or other characters when they get in on the action) feel far more ‘mortal’, not to put too fine a point on it; they can be hurt, wounds do matter, and a big part of the fighting involves making sure you only take the hits you can. When someone is superequine, there's always an underlying explanation and, in turn, a weakness to exploit. It’s far more compelling in that way in my opinion, and many of these fights get intense. I wholeheartedly approve of how Czar_Yoshi handled these moments, managing to make them clear and fun without taking away from their seriousness.
Last but not least, we’ve got the overarching theme. It’s not uncommon for the biggest stories to have a central theme to wrap everything around. In this case that theme is “moving on”, i.e. learning when it’s time to stop trying to fix things and just live life. This concept permeates everything that happens and is the centerpiece of all Starlight’s woes from start to finish. Even the other themes that frequently pop up tend to be offshoots of this one in some manner, and it can be argued that every member of the team Starlight and Valey assemble by the end of the story is dealing with it in one way or another. It’s great that Czar_Yoshi was able to maintain it as the central theme all the way through the story like this and even managed to wrap it up in a nice, mountain-destroying, can-see-it-from-the-moon bow in the finale. For all the constant debating and philosophizing, I am impressed that this was kept as the centerpiece so well.
Also, the worldbuilding. So much worldbuilding. New countries, new continents, new histories, new world creation myths, new alicorn creation theories, new religions, it goes on and on.
If I had to complain about anything else, I think it would be that certain plot threads go unresolved. Whatever happened to Garsheeva, who just sort of disappears and is never heard from again? Ditto for Crystal. Extra ditto for Jamjars, the poor thing. However, it has to be noted that this story is 1,000 chapters long, meaning Czar_Yoshi hit FIMFiction’s chapter count limit and had no choice but to stop. It’s to their credit that they managed to wrap up as much as they did when they hit that wall, especially considering they did it without said ending feeling rushed or forced. So while I wish certain doors could have been closed properly, I can certainly give credit that all the most important ones were properly seen to.
I largely enjoyed this one. The biggest downside is from its tendency to slow-walk things with long, seemingly unnecessary scenes of ponies sitting in a room talking about stuff; I’d wager we could cut a few hundred thousand words from this via that alone. Don’t get me wrong, what was being discussed was always heavy and felt important, but I’m not convinced all of it was needed. The story really felt like it was dragging at those times, making the reading feel more like a chore. But once you get past those moments? Everything else is big, grand, and frequently awesome. The characters are all great, even the ones that are mostly background flavoring. Character and relationship growth is a constant element, the action is riveting, the stakes ever-increasing, the villains all the more villainous (oh, did I mention that one major and one minor villain get their origin stories here? Because they do, and it’s awesome.).
As many of you know by now, I greatly appreciate ambition in an author, and this was certainly an ambitious project. Yet in some ways big ambitions can drag a story down, and so being bigger does not always guarantee my best rating; see Fallout: Equestria – Project Horizons and how it going longer than it needed to kept it from my highest bookshelf. Similarly, I feel that while this is a monumental feat of literature in terms of scope alone, its tendency to drag on at times forces me to take it down a rating. If me and my ever-patient “always finish what you start” attitude can be bothered by those moments stretching the story’s length, I imagine there are plenty of people who will view them as dealbreakers.
But if you’ve got the guts to push through it, you’ll find this to be an absolutely epic read. I for one don’t regret it, and I might be tempted to read the sequel someday if Czar_Yoshi somehow manages to finish it in my lifetime.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Cheating on your Waifu — Pretty Good
Bra Quest!
5,966 Words
By CoffeeMinion
Eldest Pie sister Limestone has just hit that age where she needs to start wearing bras, but her mother’s taste in undergarments leaves a lot to be desired. Desperate for some comfortable underwear, she convinces the Harmony-obsessed woman to take her to the mall (“a cesspool of mammon-worship and ess-ee-ex-crazed, licentious youth!”) in search of something better. It might have gone by with only a little sniping… if a certain leather-wearing redhead hadn’t just stolen Cloudy Quartz’s purse.
This was fun and not what I was expecting. Just like Peace Through Superior Pie-er-Power, which I read prior to this, Igneous and Cloudy are depicted as devout believers in Harmony with strict rules of adherence. Limestone does believe in Harmony, but she’s also convinced the world isn’t as vile and villainous as her parents want her to think. At any rate, she needs a good bra and past experience says she’s not going to get one at the local Wal-Mare, especially if her mother is picking them out for her. Her mother insists on coming along, in order to provide “protection and guidance in a place such as this, lest thou end up as just another of these hedonistic youths.”
Then Sunset Shimmer, barely in the human world a week and still not getting how things work, steals Cloudy’s purse. It is then that we come to learn where Limestone got her fighting instincts from:
“She hath my purse! My cards! My driver’s license!”
“And my bra money,” Limestone said, smacking her left palm with her right fist. “How ’bout we do a little mother-daughter bonding over her face?”
“Thy father would not approve,” Cloudy said, cracking her knuckles and giving Limestone a wicked grin.
“Yeah, but he usually doesn’t, with us,” Limestone said, returning the grin.
I’ve never seen Cloudy quartz depicted this way. That’s not a complaint.
I had fun with this. Limestone and Cloudy’s constant bickering is amusing, and the fact that the chase keeps getting interrupted by Limestone’s distracting need for proper *ahem* upper body support is a nice touch. How amusing that the one store her mother least wants her to visit (Platinum’s Secret, oh my!) is probably the one that will end up helping her the most. We’ve also got decent cameos for the rest of the Pie family in the opening. Plus Limestone finally confronts Sunset in a way that her father would almost certainly approve of without turning the event into some life changing moment for Sunset (whether that’s a positive thing or not will depend upon reader interpretation, but at least it leaves canon intact).
An entertaining piece that didn’t take things anywhere near where one might expect given the cover art and the ess-ee-ex tag. Actually, the one major criticism I have for all of this is that the cover art is deceptive; the only accurate thing it has in relation to the story is that it’s set in a mall and Sunset and Limestone are present. Sorry, folks, no cowboy-hatted Limestones swinging from mall balconies on ropes made from bras here. Although I can’t argue effectiveness: it was the sheer absurdity of the cover that made me want to read this in the first place.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Change We Can Believe In
1,506 Words
By CoffeeMinion
The changelings are now reformed… or so they say. Silver Spoon has doubts. Diamond Tiara doesn’t. They’re going to have to figure that out.
This is a story in which Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon discover that they have political differences in regards to the changelings. Diamond Tiara has since her reformation become something of a Friendship is Magic idealist and is perfectly willing to give the changelings a chance to prove their friendship bona fides. Silver Spoon, on the other hoof, is a realist and isn’t remotely convinced that the changelings are honest about being the good guys now, demanding there be a proving period before they’re allowed to roam Equestria freely.
Depending on whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist, this story either A) proves that two friends can remain so despite having different political opinions, or B) proves that Equestria is the ultimate fantasy land where civil political discourse is a possibility. Take it as you will. The hardest part for me to believe is that both Diamond and Silver make decent arguments and, more critically, actually listen to said arguments. While this doesn’t manage to dissuade either of them from their initial stances, it does allow them to come to a certain intellectual compromise and reaffirm their status as best friends.
I feel like this is a reaction piece to the extremely heated political atmosphere that makes up modern culture. It’s CoffeeMinion trying to tell everyone to calm down and remember that we’re all supposed to be on the same side in the grand scheme of things. It’s a message I thoroughly approve of, and I greatly appreciate that CoffeeMinion was able to use a proper MLP topic to do it instead of resorting to real-world ones.
…You know, it might be fun to see an entire series in which Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara undertake political careers in opposing parties, with a final culminating theme of “friendship trumps political divides”. It would be really difficult to pull off without coming off as preachy or dipping a toe into modern political arguments though, so maybe we’re better off with this.
An interesting story, and one all the more pertinent today than it was when it was first written eight years ago. Give it a go if you’d like to take a break and see what political discourse should be like.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
It’s the Cutie Mark Crusader’s cute-ceañera, and the whole town is celebrating. But Apple Bloom, she’s not quite happy. She feels that there’s something missing, and so she goes to Princess Twilight for a little private chat. Her question: If getting a cutie mark makes most ponies so very happy, why are there some like Troubleshoes who aren’t happy about it?
Essentially, this is a story about Apple Bloom looking to fully comprehend her new role in life. She now knows that her special talent is helping others understand their own gifts – interpreting their cutie marks, if you will – and she wants to be the best she can be at that. That’s not exactly how CoffeeMinion describes it, but it’s clearly a major underlying element in her conversation with Twilight. It leads to Twilight explaining to Apple Bloom “abnormal psychology” and dysmorphia.
This one is very short, but it does a great job with the subject matter. While Apple Bloom and Twilight discuss the nature of ponies feeling unhappy about themselves for one reason or another, we also get multiple references to other episodes and canon elements. Things like Twilight’s own lingering discomfort with her wings, Big McIntosh keeping Smarty Pants, and Luna’s tantabus come into play at some point, all in ways that solidify the underlying purpose of the story.
Quick and effective. Perhaps anticlimactic in many ways, though I appreciated the hint that Twilight is about to go to war with Big Mac over a certain lost possession. Give it a go if you’d like to see Apple Bloom really taking her cutie mark seriously.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
A Little Space
1,192 Words
By CoffeeMinion
Yesterday, Granny Apple Smith’s son got married. To a Pear. So now she sits at her favorite coffee shop, smoldering and thinking and trying to put everything in order in her head. That’s when Mayor Mare shows up. Marey, the one who performed the ceremony behind Granny’s back.
Another short one, this isn’t the fireworks I expected it to be. Rather, it’s a story in which Mayor Mare and Granny Smith discuss the very big changes that have and are about to happen on the Apple Farm. More to the point, it involved Granny Smith trying to come to terms with it all. Yes, she’s mad, but exactly who and what she’s mad at isn’t so clear to her. Hence, sitting in a cafe thinking.
It’s not a pleasant conversation, but neither is it an unpleasant one. It’s just Granny Smith trying to figure out what to do next, with no great resolutions other than to take things one step at a time. Her regular quips about Bright Mac’s and Pear Butter’s relationship add a touch of humor to an otherwise somber mood.
If watching Granny and Mayor Mare work through the repercussions of The Perfect Pear sounds interesting to you, this is a story you’ll want to read.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Looking For Trouble
6,934 Words
By CoffeeMinion
Troubleshoes Clyde has arrived in the dusty, ruined town of Canterlot on the hunt for a silver thief named Blueblood. The lead he finds there is the single cutest woman he’s ever laid eyes on. But he has to be careful in this town. The people here have secrets, and they say that if he digs the wrong way he may draw the attention of someone named Sunset. You don’t want to have Sunset’s attention.
This one is set in an Equestria Girls AU in which Midnight Sparkle wasn’t defeated until after she’d turned the whole world into a desert wasteland. Troubleshoes is a deputy working for a place calling itself “the Crystal Empire” under a woman named Abacus Cinch, and recently a guy named Blueblood stole some magic-infused silver from the place. Troubleshoes primary goal is to find Blueblood and bring him to justice. But while digging for clues in old Canterlot’s ruins, he stumbles upon local schoolteacher Ditzy Do. It may very well be love at first sight.
This was great. It’s largely told in the form of a tape recording after Troubleshoes has been captured and is being interrogated by a mysterious someone threatening him with his own gun. It’s pretty obvious from the get-go who that is, but I don’t think CoffeeMinion was actually trying to disguise it. It’s one part romance with the ever-klutzy Troubleshoes trying to catch Ditzy’s attention and one part mystery as he tries to figure out what Blueblood did in Canterlot. I think my favorite part is how CoffeeMinion managed to capture Troubleshoes’s distinctive personality in the narration from start to finish without making him act put-down-upon all the time.
A nicely handled mystery around Blueblood, some cute DerpyxTroubleshoes (DerpyShoes? TroubleHooves?) shipping, and solid worldbuilding for a post-apocalyptic EqG world, flavored by a drop of SunShim angst and topped off with a wild west style. It all comes together to make something highly entertaining and complete. My only regret is that there’s no sequel further exploring this AU.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Peace Through Superior Pie-er-Power
1,637 Words
By CoffeeMinion
The Diamond Dogs have invaded the rock farm! Igneous and Cloudy Quartz are such devout followers of the ways of Harmony that they refuse to fight back. Their cutie-markless elder children, Limestone and Maud, aren’t having any of that shit.
Dang.This didn’t go at all where I expected, but in a very good way. The story winds up being Limestone’s cutie mark story, attained after her parents being called out as, uh… “intemperate” by Maud inspires her to find a way to fight back. It’s highly unorthodox. It’s also very “pony” in how it is achieved.
I am thoroughly amused. Seeing little Limestone protect her farm is always great, no matter how it is achieved (a pygmy alligator and a massive Chaos Stone come to mind). On top of that is CoffeeMinion’s efforts to maintain ye olde pony speech for Cloudy and Igneous. Whether it was truly accurate or not I couldn’t say, but when combined with Limestone’s antics and the underlying humor of it all? I thought it was golden.
This was the fourth one I read for this blog, and by far the most fun so far.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Purple Rain
1,459 words
By CoffeeMinion
He was the artist formerly known as Purple Rain. Technically, he still is, except nopony remembers him. Once he was the biggest name in music, working alongside his manager Svengallop to rock Equestria with his daring lyrics and unique style. Now what is he? Just an opening act for Countess Coloratura. Until today; he’s not even that anymore.
This is the story of a washed-up performer and what he believes is the end of his musical career. When Countess Coloratura decides to change her performance at the very last minute in The Mane Attraction, it also means canceling his solo introduction act. Curiously, there’s no indication that this cancellation is intended to last beyond that night, but Purple Rain is already convinced that his time touring with her is over.
And then Svengallop meets him in his trailer. This was the best moment in the story, because it clarifies that Sven wasn’t always the ass he’s depicted as in the show. There was a time when he and Purple Rain were best friends. And while he’s not redeemed in any way here, I can safely say this is the first story I’ve seen to indicate that Sven wasn’t always what he is today. The interaction between Purple Rain and Svengallop does a fantastic job showing the history these two shared without going into elaborate detail.
This is the third story I’ve read for this blog and the third one dealing specifically with the aftereffects of an episode. It’s also the best so far.
…
And now I can’t get that song out of my head.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
A Very Cranky Hearth's Warming
2,394 Words
By CoffeeMinion
The pegasi have been a little too enthusiastic with the snow this winter. Thus do Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo find themselves shoveling out the walkway in front of Sweetie’s parents’ house. Then Sweetie realizes that her neighbor Matilda is all snowed in too, and decides it would be appropriately generous to shovel out her walkway as well. What she didn’t count on was for Matilda’s jackfriend to be home.
This one takes a while to get to its point. The majority is devoted to why Sweetie and Scootaloo (and not Apple Bloom) are out shoveling in the first place and their dangerous encounter with Snips and Snails’ new Super Snow Slinger Six Thousand. Cranky only makes an appearance near the end, though he does so thunderously. To be fair, Snips and Snails did let their snow plow thingamajig send all its detritus onto Matilda’s house.
This is the very first story CoffeeMinion posted to the site (barring any deleted stories I’m unaware of), and it shows. It’s quick and doesn’t do much with the purpose its cover page purports it to have. Sweetie’s entire dialogue with Cranky takes up the last (checks again) 8th of the story? There’s really not much there, certainly not enough to warrant this being advertised as strictly a CrankyXSweetie friendshipping tale. It’s really too bad, as I could see great opportunity in a CMCXCranky series.
Still, I’m glad to have read this one. The character behavior is still largely on-point. Sure, the plot is basic, but given what I’ve read of CoffeeMinion’s more recent works just in this blog I’d say it makes for a great signpost of their growth as a writer. It’s a perfect example of why I promote keeping our less-than-favorable past works around for study.
I considered rating this one poorly for how there’s not much happening in terms of plot, but the solid characterization and generally good writing is enough to edge it into the middle ground.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Zephyr and the Real Girl
11,182 Words
By CoffeeMinion
Sunset Shimmer is dating Zephyr Breeze? Yes, and has been for a little while now. Her friends, particularly Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, believe this is a terrible idea, and regularly try to talk her out of it. Sunset isn’t willing to listen. But then they call her in one night to show indisputable proof that Zephyr is seeing someone on the side. Or rather, somepony.
It both is and isn’t what it sounds like.
Stupid Sexy SunShim cover art notwithstanding, the main draw for this one is seeing a ship between such an unlikely pairing as Sunset and Zephyr. Does that count as crackshipping? Maybe, but I stand by my long-held belief that any ship can work in the hands of a capable author. With this tale CoffeeMinion proves that they are a capable author indeed.
There’s a lot of little things combining with this one. We’ve got Sunset trying to have a real relationship while also trying hard not to read Zephyr’s mind – intentionally or not – which leads to the theming of private lives and secrets and how real relationships are born out of respecting boundaries and knowing when to open up. Accompanying this is the discovery of Zephyr’s porn stash, including his curious taste in hentai, and how his sexual proclivities shouldn’t be a relationship-ending thing. And that feeds into the presence of the Mane-iac and how having relationships with fantasy characters surely can’t be as satisfying as being in a relationship with a real person (or real girl, as the case may be).
Oh, did I mention that the story also involves Sunset and Zephyr going into the world of Power Ponies? Because that’s a thing here. How else did you think the Mane-iac got involved? But before you go suspecting anything, this isn’t some story about Sunset becoming a temporary superhero. The Mane-iac encounter amounts to a mere discussion between a madmare of questionable reality being lonely and a real girl trying to keep her grubby hair-tentacle-things off her boyfriend.
Oh, hey, look: the MLP movie is tagged too. Which makes sense. Why? Not saying, because it’s worth the cameo.
The greatest thing about this story is how CoffeeMinion managed to mix so many disparate elements of MLP - EqG, the main show, the movie, and Power Ponies – into a clear, rational story with deep themes about trust and patience in relationships. On paper you might see all these things and say “It’ll never work except as a crackfic.”, at which point CoffeeMinion says “Hold my cider.” and makes something genuinely good out of it.
The only catch I have to add here is that the fic moves at a blisteringly fast pace. This works for most of the scenes, but every now and then I feel like it’s going too fast. The talk with the Mane-iac is a prime example, having Sunset come to certain realizations and grow as a character in ways that don’t feel earned. I’m willing to let that slide, if only because of how thoroughly impressed I am by how much is in this story without it feeling nutso.
…Also, those teasing chapter titles are highly amusing.
This was an excellent showcase of CoffeeMinion’s skills. If you’re looking for a crazy concept played straight – and well – then look no further.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
To Serve In Hell — WHYRTY?
A Dinky Little Problem — Pretty Good
Baby Limestone Rides to War — Pretty Good
Heavy Rock — Pretty Good
Results May Vary — Pretty Good
Love, Or Something Like It — Worth It
Bonus Review: Where the Crawdads Sing
368 Pages
By Delia Owens
Published 2018
Catherine Danielle Clark was only six when her mother left their tiny shack in the swamps of North Carolina. This was followed by a rapid exodus of family members until finally she found herself all alone. No one would be there to take care of her, nobody to love or reassure her. Only the swamp. Kya would have to learn to live with loneliness.
Here we find the life story of the Marsh Girl of Barkley Cove. Born to a drunk, abusive father with a group of siblings and mother who could only take so much, she eventually finds herself forced to live alone at the tender age of ten in the swamps of 1950’s North Carolina. Of course child services tried to take her in, perhaps send her to an orphanage, but Kya is wily and not interested in schooling or leaving the swamp. To try and catch her in her home turf proves outright impossible.
She’s not entirely alone out there. There’s Jumpin’ the kindly black man running a small fishing goods and fuel shop in the marsh. There’s Tate, the slightly older boy who she sometimes spies fishing out there. There’s even Chase, local star quarterback with a particular interest in the mysterious Marsh Girl. In many ways, Kya becomes something of a local legend, the wild girl who raised herself among the reeds and geese and seagulls. Of course, for the well-to-do folk over in Barkley Cove, this makes her “swamp trash”, a flighty and dirty creature to be avoided, scorned, and made the subject of dark speculation.
The story is fantastic in its scenery and atmosphere, Delia Owens working literary magic to make the swamp into a character all its own. Kya spends her life studying this character, learning its secrets and language and moods. With the help of Tate and Jumpin’, she eventually becomes more educated than most of the yokels living in Barkley Cove. Through Kya we get to see just as many secrets and ideas and factoids, making the swamp feel alive and beautiful.
But there are other things afoot. The crux of the story is the death of Chase Andrews. The setting shifts between the 1969 police investigation of his apparent fall from an abandoned fire tower and Kya’s isolated, lonely upbringing in the swamp. As time goes by we learn that Kya and Chase had a ‘thing’ going on, and soon she becomes the primary suspect of a potential murder. Owens threaded two plots points – Kya’s life in the swamp and the 1970 murder investigation – in a way that keeps things fascinating and the reader guessing. In short, the pacing is top notch.
I greatly appreciated the court case. We get to see much of Kya’s trial, which serves as the climax of the piece despite being covered over several chapters. I like how realistic it felt, with none of the bombast and silly shenanigans you might expect to see in a court drama. I also appreciated the sheriff and his deputy and how they investigated the case, which felt genuine and professionally done – it’s genuinely difficult to fault them for arresting Kya when you actually witness how this small-town sheriff built the case, because nothing they were doing felt unreasonable or unfair.
I also like how Delia Owens showcased the gradually changing sentiment of the town and the times. For example, at the start of the story segregation is still a major thing, with the black community required to live separate from Barkley Cove in the “colored town” in the swamp. Kya, being apart from society and its norms, doesn’t come to think of such things and winds up with Jumpin’ as a surrogate father figure. Meanwhile the town also has its misogynist elements, such as the town’s most popular bar and grill being a “boy’s club” that refuses to allow women to come inside, instead having to order from a drive-through window.
These things gradually change with the times and, to the author’s credit, does so in a natural way. While the issues are made clear, there’s no shoving them in our faces or getting preachy about it. Even so, the air is slowly cleared. The best example comes when Kya goes to court in 1970; the courtroom is divided into the main section and the balcony where the ‘colored folk’ are required to attend. But then Jumpin’ and his wife Mabel go down to sit in the ‘white folk’ seats so they can be closer to Kya and show their support. When the bailiff asks the judge what to do about it:
[...]the judge told him that anybody of any color or creed could sit anywhere they wanted in his courtroom, and if somebody didn’t like it, they were free to leave. In fact, he’d make sure they did.
This is a beautiful moment. No, not because of the judge sticking it to racists. It’s a beautiful literary moment, because Delia Owens is doing so much with a single small paragraph. It tells us the changing times, but it also clarifies a big point about the judge as it relates to Kya’s case: this is not a man who will be biased against her because of how she was (or wasn’t) raised or where she came from. It tells us about the judge, the town, the times that are a changin', the case, and so on. The book is full of these little moments where so many things are being said with so little actually written, and I love that.
This book has everything going for it: an enduring murder mystery, the struggles of a child trying to get by in a world that would rather forget her, a young woman struggling with an endless stream of social rejections, all put together with poignant prose and the occasional snippet of poetry and set in a world of palmettos and wildlife. Filled to the brim with character, superbly written, and unceasingly interesting, this is a story I can wholeheartedly recommend. Watching the Marsh Girl grow up was a treat, and Kya more than deserves whatever love she can get.
I have zero complaints. If you like reading at all, you’ll want to give this a go.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Stories for Next Time:
Daring Do and the Mystery of Eternal Ruins by Khampostel
Final Test by The Iguana Man
RSVP by Muramasa
You Can Lead a Horsegirl to Water... by marmalado
Hiraeth by Climaclysm
Rainbow Triumphant by Trinary
FlutterDoomshy by Estee
Iota Force Issue #1: Baptism by Fire by The Iguana Man
One Must Imagine Sisyphus Happy by ARandomLonelyDude
Rise Again by Duck
Adagio by NaiadSagaIotaOar
The Ambiguous Colour of Saffron by evelili
An Equestrian Nativity by Freglz
Better Dig Two by Aquaman
Forget Me Not by Harmony Pie
Gotta Get Gustave by Compendium of Steve
Iridium by Odd_Sarge
Palimpsest by NorrisThePony
The Price For Luna by PoweredByTea
Punishment and Forgiveness by KnightMysterio
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Reading Progress:
Mortal Coil
38.61% (182,438 / 472,539)
Blogs Completed Through:
20-FEB-2025
(Blogs are currently scheduled up to this date. Any requests made as of this blog will have to wait until at least after this date.
Need some editing done? Working on a story and not sure how it’s shaping up? I’m now doing editing and critique commissions! Check here for more information and PM me if interested.
I edited Bra Quest and it’s really good :)
And here it is... The Olden World! It's amazing to finally be able to see a review of this one. No surprise that others haven't taken it on tbh, given its sheer length - it's still impressive to me that you took it on!
I knew when I recommended it that the length and wordiness of it was going to be one of the sticking points, but I'm glad it wasn't something that dragged down the experience too much for you. It being a daily probably didn't help with that, with Czar posting a chapter every single day until it was done (which, for a story this long, is frankly incredible to me! I struggle for the motivation to do things weekly - let alone write a chapter every day for years!)
The chapter titles being a certain number of words depending on the current act is a fun little thing I didn't notice until I finished.
I got a bit through the sequel and was really enjoying it, but as someone whose reading motivation is like a sine wave, I've been holding off for a bit and letting chapters build up before I dive in again - Czar's been posting chapters weekly instead of daily, this time around. It's at 174 chapters and 1.1m words, so it's shaping up to be another huge one, hah!
Thanks again for taking on the two massive stories I requested - loved reading your thoughts about both this and Rekindled Embers, and I hope it's helped others discover them to enjoy as well!
Valey best bat pony <3
I won't lie that the thought of how to have Fimfiction informed should I suddenly leave this world… again… has crossed my mind: generally, I've floated having someone here I trust enough to be made aware via other means should that come to pass, though it's only an idea. Too young to be thinking about that yet!
Anyway, yes, CoffeeMinion. Good author. Reliable at making offbeat quirky fics without compromising the characters. If rarely great ones (no WHYRTY? today, hm…). Not that that's a sin, consistency is worth admiration and praise on its own. Though I haven't read any of the ten featured here today.
Oh shit, KnightMysterio next week. Fun!
Huh, of all the CoffeeMinion stories I've read, we only overlapped on Bra Quest! And don't let 5820716 fool you! I edited this story! Well, we both did, but surely that one comma I suggested is the keystone holding the entire thing together!
Good to see Coffee getting attention. He's a consistently good writer.
That bonus review really rings a bell. I haven't read it, though I'm sure I heard it mentioned recently. I just can't think of where I would have heard it.
Congrats to CoffeeMinion.
As for the other points, I'm actually getting a will made next week. Kind of overdue.
Love Bra Quest! CoffeeMinion is amazing and also the only person keeping me from being Fimfiction's #1 Limestone fan, so they deserve all the respect
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On top of the novel being a huge runaway hit, it made further headlines where the 2022 film was quite successful and the star-making vehicle for Daisy Edgar-Jones. Being frank, most of the reception I heard in my circles against both the film and the source novel was more on the negative side, and what I’ve read about it does lead me to feel I’d more like agree with that then Paul’s take.
In any case, it does seem to have reached the “read/see to keep up with the pop culture” phase already over its actual merits, even among those who like it, so make of that what you will.
I have been anxiously awaiting your review of The Olden World since I saw it on your "Reading Progress" list this summer. (I'm the one who said "Watch out for Jamjars.") I'm glad to see that you enjoyed it as much as I did.
I absolutely love the world-building in this story. Valey may be my favorite OC in all of Fimfiction. If she is best batpone, then Gerardo is best catbird. I liked Jamjars better on my second reading, after I understood her character.
If there's one thing stopping people from reading this epic journey, it's the word count. If you read The Lord of the Rings, War & Peace, and all seven Harry Potter books, that would slightly top TOW's 2.02 million words. IMHO, it's totally worth it. Some of the long exposition could be trimmed a bit...
Many of the unanswered questions are (eventually) answered in the sequel. I just hope I live long enough to see it finished.
Thank you for putting so much thought into, and turning so many eyes upon, these old things!
My road back to storytelling continues to be longer than I expected, but I appreciate knowing that these can still resonate.
5820720
If anything, it being a daily story makes this all the more impressive. Genuinely hard to believe how much Czar_Yoshi was able to keep track of from start to finish and they concluded the story at the 1,000-chapter mark without it feeling like an "oh, crap, I need to end this!" kind of thing.
5820786 5820809
Funnily enough, I'd never heard of Where the Crawdads Sing until I spotted it during a visit to Barnes & Noble to grab something else. It was mostly the setting that caught my eye, being as I grew up around swamps but you almost never see stories set around them.
5820822
Well, damn. Now I have no choice but to read it. When Czar_Yoshi's great-great-great grandchild finishes it, that is.
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It was my genuine pleasure! Glad to have explored so much more of your library.
Also, surprised at how many people here seem so focused on Bra Quest!.
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I suspect, but cannot confirm, that the answer is boobs.
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To be fair, that's probably the answer to everything.
Are you taking suggestions for stories to review?
5821059
Anyone can suggest anything they want. I don't have to read it, and if I choose to do so it will go through my normal scheduling process that could take months to get to.
Or you can request a story (and you need to be specific that you're requesting, not suggesting or recommending or just offhand mentioning). I'm more likely to read requests and tend to get to them faster. Granted, it'll probably still be months, just not as many.
Go check da rules for more info.
Oh, this is a memory. I enjoyed Bra Quest a lot, just a fun quirkly SoL involving some rare characters who are always fun to see.~
Incredibly belated thank you for the review! TOW was, for about a month, the longest completed story on fimfiction, and I'm well aware of how much of a commitment I ask readers for in seeing it through.
I largely agree with your criticisms of it. All the various "X and Y talk about what just happened" chapters were a casualty of the story being a daily; I did those whenever I was having an off day and didn't feel comfortable handling more significant plot advancement, or else just needed more time to plan. I think they overall made the story better, because it would have been much less clean if I didn't have that buffer time to get the important parts right. But I've always entertained the idea of trying to put together some sort of abridged cut, and the biggest thing stopping me is that I don't know how I'd publish it. The changes would be too big to make to the existing story (and I'd rather preserve my comments and 1k chapters), but posting it again as a second copy of the same story would be disingenuous and probably against fimfiction ToS.
As for the unresolved plot threads, I do hopefully aspire to finish the sequel within a mortal lifespan.
5825297
Reading it was one thing, but writing? You, sir, are crazy. A good kind of crazy, but still crazy.
Actually, I'm reasonably certain that re-publishing TOW as a new story in a condensed version wouldn't be against the rules. A lot of people have done similarly. I published a longer story of Audience of One as a rewrite (although that may be comparing apples to oranges). Trinary rewrote and re-published Rainbooms and Royalty. I know for a fact there are others out there. So yes, you could publish a whole new version and nobody would say anything about it. That's still a huge activity though, especially considering you're already writing TOW's sequel (which should probably take priority), so I doubt anyone will blame you if you don't bother.
Anyway, kudos to you for somehow managing to write something so huge, keep it up as a friggin daily, and somehow make it all work out convincingly as a complete story. As someone who has read tens of millions of words at this point, that is impressive.