Leaving Tracks: Wanting to Want · 11:14pm Nov 24th, 2024
Today's update is brought to you by the letter b for bats, who wrote a blog post that largely pertains to me in many ways as well! Go read that if you want to hear about some sorta lesbian domestic life or whatever (but I'm sure that'd be of no interest to my average reader
So if this post was inspired by that general life update, is that what this is as well? Nah, I'm too much of a spill my guts out kinda gal. I need something more focused to talk to y'all about. So what I've got is me bitching about writing (you know, the only thing I ever do here anymore!)
I've realized something though. I don't exactly want to write my stories anymore. I mean, I want them to be out, I want people to like them, all that jazz. But do I really? No, and not because the stories aren't exciting to me. It's because I don't want anything.
If you need to be told that I struggle with depression, hello and welcome to your first time reading a Krickis blog! Challenge: Write a blog without mentioning I'm depressed. Difficulty: Impossible. I am doing well in that regard, but I don't think I'll ever not be depressed. And the biggest sign of depression is not usually sadness, it's apathy.
So like, this is nothing new. I don't want to write because I'm apathetic. But in the past, I didn't want to write, but I did want to tell my stories. I just didn't want to/couldn't manage to actually write them. Now? I dunno anymore...
No no, I'm not quitting writing. I just need to find that spark again. Because like, what I want, the only think I really have that I want to work for right now is getting the desire to write back. I want to want it. I don't want it, writing is a chore to me and it doesn't really feel the best lately. But I want to want it. I want to feel that excitement again. I haven't in so long. I don't really know where to begin.
That's a lie. I need to write. I need to remind myself what it feels like, I need to make it a priority so I will want it to be a priority.
I have a shorter story planned as a result. Not something lofty and grand, just a little four chapter slice of life shippy thing in the continuity of my Deltarune novel, "Tension Points". It's called "A Girl Like Me", and I'm hoping if I can force my way through it, just four chapters and then publish over a few weeks, then I can get the ball rolling on telling more stories.
I should say that I deeply appreciate those who are still here. I know for most of you, it's just a matter of you being on this site, and me not being obnoxious enough to unfollow. I don't post daily blogs, I don't post shitty opinions, I don't do the sorts of things that get folks to hit the unfollow button. But even if you're just here for love of Fimfiction and I'm just an author you liked enough to follow, the fact that you are still here means a lot to me. I may not do any of that obnoxious stuff, but I also don't exactly write a lot...
I don't know where I'm going with this. Like almost my blog posts, this is just stream of consciousness. I'm talking because I want to, because as I was once told, I need people to hear me.
And maybe that's a start? I grew complacent in silence. I live a comfortable life now, it's not hard to fade into that. But now, well, I want people to hear me. And maybe with that, I'll want people to hear my stories again.
I hope we can refind that spark together.
The apathy you mention is very relatable, Krickis
As long as you want your stories to be heard, there will be people eager to listen, especially considering how darn well you write
Please don't burn yourself out, and take care
I hope you make good progress on improving that whole depression issue.
If writing helps, I look forward to seeing you do that!
5817792
I'm sure we can
5817823
I appreciate the support. Ultimately I am a writer and I will try to continue to be that going forward, regardless of difficulty lol
5817828
I'm certainly trying! Thanks for the support, Birb
Well, if you're looking for the spark, that big long-time artist SPark Did came back to our community a while before and is here to stay with us longer...

Jokes aside, mental diseases sure are tricky. Am on the server of a university trans friend and she talks about how anxiety affects her everyday school life and regularly goes into a meltdown in voicechats.
Life is good and it's good to hear from you again just to know what is up with the authors we know and love.
Stay fresh and let those juices flow, cool as a cucumber! March onwards to the brighter future!
God this was relatable.
I sometimes find talking about my plans for stories helps me get excited for them. My dms are always open if you wanna.
I want to hugs for you :c
5817869
Appreciate it! I've pushed a little bit of writing out since making this blog post. It's a long way to go but hopefully I'll get there little by like.
5817881
I appreciate that, and I may go infodump stories at you someday soon lol
5817916
Then do it, coward!
5817965
Anytime!
5817965
my arms not long enough to reach :B