Human smokinghot #2 review: I will be there for you: Is it W.O.R.T.H it?

So, David Silver and I wanted to try our hand at an interesting experiment, and compare both an AI review to a human one of the same story. Here are the results:

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I will be there for you: Is this story W.O.R.T.H it?

Introduction

Spike loves Rarity, she could never. Or so he thinks, as he ruminates on his feelings towards her, and why they should stay as that, just kept to himself. Until Twilight, the literal mage that makes the call for action for Spike, who doesn’t hesitate to abandon his comfort zone (which for him is moping about how he will never be the one for Rarity). He needs to be her knight in shining armor, to set her free of the bad place she's trapped in (don’t let Rarity hear you speak of her beautifully decorated bedroom like that though) . The Sparity hero’s journey awaits, full of potential pitfalls along the way. 

It is unfortunate that the story managed to stumble upon every single one of them, and then some more. Let’s point out each of them, and place a ‘beware of the dog’ -esque sign in front for future writers.

In order to do this, I will take apart this story in a painless and spoiler free (Spoiler: this won’t be possible) manner by taking a closer look into its characters, the dialogue and the plot: its Writing; Pointing out the potential/existing themes, the authorial intent and its tone: the Observations; Analyzing the flow, prose and pacing: it's Readability; Watching out for potential grammar flaws: the Technical side; And how the first impressions of the story draw the attention of potential readers: the Hook. 

All the ingredients that make a story W.O.R.T.H it.

Let's start from the bottom: the Hook.

H-ook:

The descriptions make promises of character exploration and drama with intimate moments between Spike and Rarity. The title, while generic, fits the perceived tone even if it hints at its resolution. And to be fair, stories like this can get away with that, like it wouldn’t be exactly a surprise to imagine the route it will go. That being said, the title could have used some work to draw more readers in, to divorce itself a little more from the descriptions, to create a bit more suspense.

The cover art picture does set the mood, and is pleasant to look at. I just wish this story followed its example.

As it was briefly touched upon before, this story is what is usually called a low concept story. One can’t expect an epic adventure full of twists from that description and title, but they expect moments of introspection, navel gazing, the exploration of the character’s involved relationship, and tender moments of human (er, pony) connection and reflection about what it means to love when you are not supposed to. It was never meant to have a complex plot, so I won’t criticize it for what it isn’t, but for what it is. And most importantly, for what it tried to be. And why it didn’t quite get there.

T-echnical: 

This is a section I normally wouldn’t feel confident commenting about, as I personally consider that one should only get frisky with grammar when it really gets in the way of a smooth reading experience. This is not the case here. So here we are.

The story is fraught with grammar mistakes, missing words, inconsistent tense changes and lack of punctuation:

"Your just saying that.."

You’re

I heard no reply. No sobbing. No sound. She is ignoring me.

- She was ignoring me

"Are you sure? She isn't letting in anybody.."

- Anypony

"I need too, Twilight."

- I need to

“Rarity it’s spike”

- Here it was just an ‘ away from becoming a Jimmyhook’s story

And I could be here all day padding up this review with grammar mistakes, and quoting almost the entire story line by line, but there are more important errors awaiting ahead.

R-eadability: 

Very redundant in its prose, and verbose. Clunky at times, too. Attempts at a deeper and evocative narration which devolves into poor man’s purple prose. I cannot visualize whatever is described here. I have to make an actual effort to follow the character and the story, which as a result makes the tone of the story and the way it flows, hard to follow. As a reader I need to believe what I’m reading, and if I see the strings of the author being clumsily pulled, that effect is lost. The reading experience is ruined.

I couldn't stand thinking of her depressed by herself not wanting to see anyone locked in a room crying. Crying salty tears.

Crying salty tears.

At the beginning Spike’s having an inner monologue directed towards and hypothetical Rarity in a direct manner, which feels out of place considering she is nowhere near for him to direct those thoughts at her. The 2nd person addressing here doesn’t work, there is no setup for that. The author seemed to realize this too, as soon enough the direction of the monologue changes to referencing her in 3rd person, as it ideally should.

It also feels as if the intention behind it was one of a stream of consciousness, to show an unconfident, confused and a mess of a young dragon trying to make up his thoughts and bring clarity to his feelings. But none of this is accomplished through the rough prose. And while I don’t want to be unfair considering the purpose of that bit, even if the intention was to make him sympathetic, he comes off as possessive and obsessed, which without spoiling anything yet, will do what’s about to come no favors for his image and characterization in this story.

The POV narration, despite being that of Spike, intertwining internal monologues and thoughts with his subjective perception of his surroundings, takes strange detours into the minds of the other characters involved, making Spike an omniscient narrator for absolutely no reason.

"Hi Spike." Applejack said not sure of what else to say.

But by far, the worst accomplishment the writing manages is its inability to convey the setting on which this story is taking place, at the beginning at least. There’s no setting on which to locate Spike’s inner monologue, no actions to make it flow seamlessly into Twilight telling Spike about Rarity. It just exists in a vacuum, and feels very out of place. 

Tying back to this, the inclusion of the police and Equestrian law system as the one we would have in real life is a super awkward inclusion. When did the Mane 6 ever solve a friendship problem or save Equestria by calling the police?

O-bservations:

<Caution: You are about to enter the most subjective section of the review. The author of this review is not responsible for any slips or misinterpretations of this story. Potential author's death may lie ahead. Proceed at your own risk.>

There’s not much room for speculation here, or parsing of hidden meanings. Everything is as heavy handed as it can be.

The themes I can make up from this story are probably the self doubts that blossom from unrequited relationships that were never meant to be. But it never does anything beyond making that statement, about how both Rarity and Spike feel about themselves in the relationships they are both individually in. That was a good opportunity to dwell on this aspect of the theme, but it doesn't go any deeper than that. That conflict it’s never solved in a thematically or heck, in any compelling manner. It goes for the easy way out. 

W-riting: 

The dialogue is very rough, and that is putting it kindly. Most of it consists of non-sequiturs which don’t follow up on what was said prior that could have elicited such a response, or straight up doesn’t make any sense:

"Hi Spike." Applejack said not sure of what else to say.

"I'm going to try." I said.

”Come in Spike. Please just you.” She says, with only Spike on her same floor.

Then it just unravels and goes unhinged the more it goes on. Feels like I'm reading a fever dream, here Spike is lowkey and implicitly (without necessarily meaning to) validating the stallion’s feelings towards Rarity in the first place, in order to reassure her? The same stallion which caused her so much pain?

"Your never close to evil.." I said. "Your one of the most kindest mare I have known. He was attracted to you because your such an awesome and generous mare who cares about people and inspires people a pony that he wishes he could be!

Obviously, the problem stems from a lack of tight characterization work and it shows. Speaking of…

To put it simply: There’s not a single character here who isn’t suffering from bipolar disorder. And that’s probably small potatoes compared to the actual issues.

The worst offender besides Spike got to be Rarity, who I could say you can swap for any other pony no matter how obscure they might be and still make their scenes… work for a lack of a less flattering word, but even then it would be still terribly unrealistic because that’s not a character, it doesn’t feel like Rarity, it doesn’t feel like someone who would behave rationally at all. Sure, she’s a drama queen and she’s throwing a tantrum during an emotional breakdown, and justifiably so, but it’s not so much on the how as much on the ‘why’. There’s nearly not enough justification as to why she would let just a blatant disrespect towards her sexual freedom and threat towards her friends slide like that. 

Why is Rarity, one of the elements of harmony and a resourceful Unicorn of her own, afraid that a no name (literally, we never know who even this stallion was) stallion would kill her friends, who faced some of the greatest menaces Equestria has been under threat from? The Rarity I know would have him magically neutered on the spot, if the way she faced those dragons when protecting Spike is anything to go by.

The characters behave in a non organical way, at the whims of what the author needs, Spike is worried about what should he say, the next moment he knows exactly what, being needlessly harsh and borderline hostile with Rarity despite being anxious a few lines back, then it reverts into pleading her to do the exact opposite of what he told her to do (if you just want to keep crying go ahead! Please talk to me). And there’s no justification whatsoever for this behavior:

"Rarity it's Spike." I said.

"Just go!" She said.

I took a shaky breath, she was mad, what should I say what should I do without ruining our friendship. Then I realized. I couldn't be worried about that, I had to say what needed to be said.

"Rarity. Your sitting around moping and crying and your not willing to have people help you! I'm here to help your friends are here to help! What do you think we're here for!? Were here to listen! But if you just want to keep it in and cry about it go ahead! I'm always here and I'll be here if you need me. Please talk to me. We are worried and scared like hell. Please let us help you! We won't look down on you!" I said at the top of my lungs tears rolling down my eyes and biting my lips as a feeling of a mixture of anger, pain, and sadness filled my heart.

I heard no reply. No sobbing. No sound. She is ignoring me. I decided to head down the stairs. I could not convince her.

Too flanderized character traits at times, in the worst places too:

"What are you going to do?" I said.

"Read up on pony philosophy!" Twilight said using magic to get a few books from the shelf. "Maybe I can read up on it and find out how to react in this situation."

And yes, Twilight, the princess of friendship, would absolutely make no actual attempt whatsoever to get Rarity to open up to them about this, or at least encourage Spike and the others to give her space. Instead, she tries to look for the solution for this friendship problem, with books… Which is pretty much the antithesis of the actual Twilight, who had to get away from them to learn about true friendship in the first place. That’s the very basic point of her character to begin with, and it got trampled upon. Celestia would not be proud of her. And this is without mentioning how she goes from feeling distressed about this to just chirping about how she will bid her time reading about a potential solution. 

This story doesn’t do any wonders for my already skewed conception of the character of Spike, either.

He’s self-doubting and in the process of trying to let go, and then Twilight comes and tells him Rarity is in a really bad place right now. Spike is trying to be selfless, despite loving her he tries to put up a barrier between his feelings and what can’t be in order to keep making her happy. And this is a good angle to take, from where the stakes could raise if it weren’t for the hiccups getting in the way down the line. It goes nowhere when he readily is on his way to become her knight in shining armor.

Honestly, with how unrealistic Spike’s responses and attempts to make her feel better just to dump her a “I love you” bomb near the end, to make what was essentially a SA victim instantly feel better with herself feels scummy as heck. If I didn’t know better I would almost say he’s trying to take advantage of her during a very low and vulnerable moment for her. The conclusion for him is that he learned absolutely nothing and that he will keep loving her off the limits of their platonic relationship. 

The story ends with Spike pretty much in the same position as he was in the beginning, knowing he should accept things as they are but struggling to do so (It seems as if he answered his own question regarding his woes on the very introduction) 

I just don't know. I'm confused. What do I do?

I can't chase roads with no end.

Except that now he comes off as one of those “nice guys”.

"Your just saying that.." A soft sobbing voice said in reply.

"No. That's why I fell in love with you.." I said not realizing what I said until I said it.

"Spike...I..." Rarity said taking a few deep breaths.

"Shhh..All that matters and all you need to know is that I'll always be there for you."

With how readily any actual character emotion is dismissed in this story, any potential emotional stakes are automatically out of the window. The main conflict as per advertised by the story’s description appears to be solved in one exchange, which was mostly one sided, which speaks about how rushed the story was.

I’m not feeling any emotional punches from reading this, just the author slapping me left and right as a punishment for daring to venture into the chapter in a succession of whiplash after whiplash, turning my face from sadness to comedy, and so on. It cannot maintain the scenic tone as occasionally makes what could be best described as attempts to add occasional comedy, like both Twilight and Spike mentioning the use of books to handle situations like this.

And frankly I can’t help but to think about what the point of the story was in the first place. Is Spike truly less miserable than when the story started? His happiness almost fully relies on her happiness, despite him knowing how that can’t be. Rarity is the only one who may had undergone a change, but it wasn’t a compelling resolution by any means.

And that brings me to the next point.

All of the previous points are small potatoes compared to what I think was the most glaring mistake this fic dared to make: Ruining all of that emotion built up to the revelation as to why Rarity locked herself up in her bedroom by including a moment of pure shock value, which literally came out of nowhere, and was definitely not accompanied by the tone of the story up to that point.

"Last night on our date." Rarity said softly. "He brought me to his apartment for dinner. And he forced me to have sex with him. H-h-he told me to have sex with him or else he would rape and kill my best friends and stuff you up if I didn't. I put you all at risk so I had sex with him all night.."

 It just felt cheap. An disingenuous attempt to force some emotions out of the reader, disregarding any blatant disrespect to those who the topic subject is not to be made light of. Not to mention it should automatically demand for another set of tags and even rating if you may. This makes the story disingenuous in the way it doesn’t advise potential reader’s who might feel strongly about those subjects, to turn away, especially considering the lack of finesse the author makes use of them. It’s disrespectful, and has the subtlety of a bulldozer.

Did I mention the lack of sense or actual, human emotion driving the responses or reactions of the characters involved? Because reading the reaction Spike gets at this absolutely devastating revelation makes this even worse somehow:

"He had no right to do that!" I said.

The tragedy and sad tags, are thus, not earned. Because there was no visible effort for them to be justified.

What can the writer take away from this?

Um, a lot, but let's keep the tradition of summing it up in four bullet points:

-Handle touchy topics like they are hot, that is to say, with care and without dropping the ball onto them.

-Let your own characters write the story instead of forcibly dragging them along. It will show when it comes to the pace and their characterization.

-Don’t skimp when it comes to word usage to set up a scene or a setting. Clarity trumps all when it comes to reading.

-Grammarly and post draft editing are your friends, not your enemy.

Conclusion

So to answer the question, Is this story W.O.R.T.H it?

I usually am not one to rate stories in a numerical fashion, as they often have something that attracts certain readers and makes it worth their time. Everyone can find their favorite stories in the most uncertain of places. And I’m inclined to believe this is not one of them. 3/10.