Badfic Bonanza: In which I read nearly 100k Words of Pure Torment (Part 3, Finale) · 1:52am Jul 6th, 2024
We get another author's note proclaiming:
Warning ⚠️: This chapter contains Foalcon
So... this author has pedophilia in the story and no tag labeling rape as being in the story, even though this story has already featured adults getting raped. What an upstanding individual.
My... name's Lollipop Hearts, I'm twenty years old.
I been out cold, who knows how long, bleedin' out like this, it's a nightmare.
Slowly, the sunlight's creepin' in, my eyes creakin' open, wakin' up again, but part of me just don't wanna, this pain, it's just too much.
1) Getting knocked out apparently makes you British in this story.
2) This character is literally bleeding out and she's somehow able to narrate as if she's still aware of anything? She didn't even know that Stardust left!
We're treated to a vaguely coherent, disorganized (and not in an intentional, well-written way) plunge into how Lolly got shot. It might as well not exist because it doesn't really resolve much. The author continues to think that every single sentence is a paragraph. It makes reading this even more of a chore.
Lolly wakes up shortly before Stardust returns. When the latter returns, the two mares have jumbled exchanges:
"Lollipop, I have what you asked for—the bandages, tweezers, and painkillers," Stardust said, levitating everything with her magic. Looked like not all hope was lost after all.
When she saw me on the floor, her calm tone shifted to concern. "And why the bloody hell aren't you in bed?" she asked.
"I don't have to explain to you. I ain't your daughter. Now get me back to bed and take these bullets outta me. I can't stand havin' garbage in my body no more," I responded, frustration lacing my words as I raised my trembling front hoof.
"You don't have to talk to me like that, I'm helping you," Stardust said, lifting me up with her magic and placing me back on the bed slowly. "You can't imagine everything that happened to me in that bleedin' hospital..." Her voice was breaking as she spoke, and she looked down at her front hooves with glassy eyes.
"I'm frustrated because I can't stand having these fucking bullets in my body. Do you know what it's like to be shot three times at close range?" I snapped at Stardust. It seemed like we were back to the same old thing. I couldn't believe that after surviving, she was still a crybaby.
Stardust started to sob, wanting to wipe her eyes with a hoof but unable to because of her suit.
Everypony in this store acts the same. Almost everypony in the story talks the same. These two now have the same imitation British accent. They now have the same disposition. The writer still has no idea how to format dialogue with one speaker or multiple speakers.
And even worse, I have to be her foalsitter, take her to Sparkle-World. I know there's one in Baltimare, but I don't know how far it is. I estimate we could get there in four days, depending on the shit we encounter on the way.
So this is a chain of parks? And this is the first time we're finding out this information? Isn't there one she could go to that isn't surrounded by horrific monsters and radioactive decay?
"I was swimming in a red liquid, but if you say it smells bad, it must definitely be blood," Stardust said, lifting the tweezers with her magic. I guess she was preparing to remove the bullets from me.
1) How does she not realize it was blood? In the chapter with Stardust, she literally says it was.
2) She is going to remove bullets while completely filthy? How do these characters not have any knowledge about basic sanitation?
I sniffed a few times, but that smell was different. It didn't smell like regular blood, the kind you get when you get hurt. It had a similar smell to when I had my period. Period blood has endometrial tissue, mucosa, and vaginal secretions, making the smell more intense and distinctive.
HORSES DO NOT HAVE PERIODS AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO SAY THAT THIRD LINE IT IS ALREADY IMPLIED.
"Stardust, please. We don't know if that suit is contaminated," I said, trying to keep my voice steady. "I have no idea what happened, but I need you to take off that fucking suit." I coughed up blood again, watching a drop splatter on my armor. "I'm dying, Stardust. Please... take it off." I couldn't believe I was doing this, practically begging her, but I tried to stay calm to motivate her a little.
1) Wow, an actually reasonable action.
2) Lolly learned this in the first or second Stardust chapter... and she apparently forgot it. A skilled writer could just have her struggling to learn that she needs to communicate this way instead of completely forgetting everything.
"You mean the Hospital Horrors? Those sons of bitches try to implant eggs inside mares... I didn't imagine any of those creatures were still alive..." Damn, this was just what I needed. What the fuck am I going to do?
1) Why are these being treated as a proper noun?
2) Why does Lolly know about these?
Most of this chapter is just about Stardust and Lolly talking while the former removes the bullets. Lolly has a story to share, which is in bolded words, which is Andy's odd choice for flashbacks. In this story, we learn about a pony named Crimson Flash, who is from another part of this story's non-united version of the Grand Pegasus Enclave, and the perplexing reference to 'Ataly' which I still can't say for sure is the author's invention or not.
One time durin' an exchange, I caught sight of Sniper Husky. She has one of the most disturbing behaviors I have ever seen in a pony; it doesn't compare to the cannibal raiders I have encountered.
Sniper Husky's got a white coat, a yellow mane, light blue eyes, and her Cutie Mark's a pony skull with bat wings.
This name makes no sense for a creature that isn't a canine. Once again, the cutie mark also doesn't appear to relate to anything about the pony.
The sun was beatin' down, so me and Winter were on the roof of one of them little brown houses we used for shelter. Never did much more than protect us from the blisterin' sun. We had five of these houses scattered 'round the park, all decorated with Equestrian flags.
Why would the houses be intact?
As I followed the path, I stumbled upon a spot where the pool's at, but what caught my eye was the shower nearby. It shot water up like a mushroom, with "Berry Hill Park" marked on it.
These should be in single quotes.
On a bench nearby, I spotted two suits of armor. To the left, two enclave pals of mine were havin' a blast, splashin' around, shootin' water at each other with water guns. Watching 'em, it brought a warmth to my chest—reminded me of the happy times I never had.
How is there a working pool in the wasteland?
I made my way toward the lake, lovin' the trees 'round here. Unlike most places in the wastes, these trees are alive—green and full of leaves.
How? The setting barely gets any sunlight.
Cherry blossoms, they're my jam. Could watch 'em all day. I set my gun down, lettin' the petals shower down on my hooves.
How are there sakura trees of all plants? This author has done no research into what kind of plants would actually exist in this setting and it is obnoxious because every other sentence breaks any immersion that might be possible.
I can see it now—monotonous life, get a marefriend, live together. Then, when I'm old, retire as a soldier and play housewife. Screw marryin' a stallion and poppin' out foals. I'm a lesbian, Mom, deal with it. No grandfoals for you.
Why is this bit presented this way? Why would her grandmother be homophobic? Regardless of her grandmother's possible prejudices, the grandmother isn't relevant in any way. She isn't being addressed. It can be easily understood that Lolly is a lesbian if this were written in any other way.
So, I veered off the path, headin' towards a clump of Blossom trees. It was secluded, and the first thing that crossed my mind was raiders preparin' an ambush.
'Blossom' is not a proper noun here.
I kept flyin', pickin' up speed, but doin' it quiet-like. Eventually, I reached an open, isolated spot. And there they were—Sniper Husky and a filly. I breathed a sigh of relief, but that filly... could it be her daughter?
Doesn't Lolly know these ponies fairly well? Wouldn't she know if one of them had a foal? Especially if they're all from the same ethnostate?
I knew I shouldn't snoop, but curiosity's a killer. I'd seen Sniper 'round a few times, had some short convos, but never knew she had a kid. All I ever heard 'bout her was how the whole wasteland's scared stiff of her.
Okay, so the author is just not good at establishing character relationships, I guess? Anyway, how exactly is this character able to get a reputation comparable to, I dunno, Red Eye or the Goddess?
"It's been a long journey, chérie, but finally, we got some time for ourselves. Ton copine needs love," Sniper Husky said, nuzzlin' her daughter.
1) Why is she still assuming this pony is Husky's daughter after she says that?
2) Why is she Fr*nch?
She's from Frence, Le Marens to be precise. Been there once, ain't such a bad city.
1) How has Lolly managed to go to other countries, given the setting?
2) Why can't the author come up with improved horse puns?
3) Re: 2) please, I'm begging you.
"You know I'm a little embarrassed to do this, Sniper. I don't know whether to do it," the filly said, sounding insecure. What’s Sniper plan to do with her?
This dialogue doesn't sound like a child. Hell, where did she even get a child? Those fuckers aren't cheap.
"Don't call me by my nom, ma chérie. We are un couple. Tell me something like darling, sweetie, honey. Tu comprends?" Sniper Husky asked, stroking the filly's pink mane with a front hoof.
1) Do not.
2) Please study dialogue.
"Mmmm, okay, darling. Since nopony is watchin' us, I guess it would be fine... I just don't wanna play those games where I'm tied up and can't do anything," the filly said, lowerin' her head, lookin' at the grass.
This child doesn't talk like a child.
"Si tu fais ce que je te dis, I promise I will be gentler. Sometimes I lose le contrôle, but I don't do it because I want to see you suffer. It's because I really love you," Sniper Husky said, positionin' herself on top of the filly.
I'm sorry, did I just read "le control" used unironically? And in a child rape scene?
I gotta do something, but I'm so shocked I can barely move a hoof. Frozen... I've never seen anything like this in front of me. This can’t be right.
Lolly is telling this story to Stardust, but I'm pretty sure that the tense is off.
Romantic relationships with foals? Hell no. No, no, no.
It's called rape, bro.
What the fuck is this? This ain't right. I've always been told that havin' romantic relationships with foals is reprehensible. However, Sniper Husky sees it as somethin' totally normal.
JUST CALL IT WHAT IT IS. IT'S RAPE. HOLY SHIT.
I was behind them, hidin' in a tree. I couldn't see the filly's reaction to all this, but I'm sure it must be discomfort.
It doesn't matter if the filly has a reaction; it's fucking rape.
"I think it was a tongue kiss," the filly said, lookin' back at her. Damn it, who knows how long Sniper Husky's been abusin' this filly? And nopony found out about this. Really horrifying.
Why can't the child talk like a child?
For what Sniper thought was normal, for others it'd be highly repugnant. And I ain't stayin' here doin' nothin' no more. I gotta do somethin', but I can't let my shock be noticed. I gotta act natural, but I'll have my weapon ready just in case.
There is a pedophile. There is a pedophile who happens to be raping a child. Lolly happens to have a gun. The solution presents itself.
I sighed several times to calm myself. As much as I wanted to put a bullet in Sniper’s head, killing her now would get me into trouble. I’d have to inform the leader about this. We're dealing with a mentally ill mare.
THAT. IS. LITERALLY. A. CHILD. RAPIST.
THERE IS MORE EFFORT IN THIS STORY TO MAKE A PEDOPHILE SYMPATHETIC THAN A LITERAL RAPE SURVIVOR!
I stopped flying and landed on the ground, trotting slowly towards them. “So... Sniper Husky, what a surprise to see you here,” I said, stayin' calm and pretending that what I was seein' didn’t affect me at all.
They haven't even cleaned up yet. You caught them red-hoofed.
Sniper Husky and the filly looked towards me. Sniper stood up and looked at me with a surprisingly calm expression while the filly hid behind her. It’s like she was afraid of me. Don’t worry, when I can, I’ll save you. But right now, there’s not much I can do.
Dead pedophiles do not reoffend (or offend, period).
“Nothin', I was just passin' by here... surveyin' the area and I found you here, kissin' a filly,” I responded to Sniper, raisin' a bent front hoof, the shock causin' me to lift it unintentionally.
“Oh, she’s my girlfriend,” Sniper Husky said, puttin' a hoof on the filly and givin' her a little push. “Allez, introduce yourself,” Sniper said tenderly. I had never seen her act this way.
'Oh yeah she's just this child that I groomed and raped,' is what that means. Who the fuck is supposed to believe this?
“Don’t you think she’s a little young to be your ‘girlfriend’?” I asked, liftin' two hooves and curlin' them both at the same time.
“Silver is eight years old. Although she is young, we love each other very much, and that is what really matters,” Sniper said, lowerin' her head and joinin' her cheek with Silver’s in a supposed loving gesture. Silver reciprocated it, half-smiling.
I'm sure she has emotionally manipulated her. That's what all these sick fucks do.
I put a front hoof to my forehead. "Despite that, I don't think it's right for you to be havin' a romantic relationship with a foal, Sniper. That's just wrong. You could get into big trouble," I warned Sniper Husky. I didn't know why I felt like this would be of no use.
"You're not le premier à say something like that to me. When I receive menaces like that, they usually end up dead," Sniper Husky said, raisin' her voice a little, bein' sarcastic and smilin'. I think she thinks I'm threatenin' her... could it be, because this is not somethin' I'm gonna let go like it's nothin'.
This scene makes me want to kick someone in the kneecaps. Everything is simply wrong with it.
"I'm not afraid of you, Sniper. If you continue abusin' Silver, I'm goin' to kill you," I said. This time I wouldn't hold back. I can't stand her anymore. I have to tell her how much I want to kill her. I'd have to get it out of my system. It's not like I've been interested in bein' friends with this bitch since I met her either.
This is a rapid tone change and feels unrealistic given how hesitant and outright dumb Lolly was being earlier.
"Silver, chérie, go play at the lake. This conversation is only for adultes," Sniper said in a 'sweet' way to Silver.
Silver nodded, turned around, and trotted away from the area at considerable speed, disappearin' with each step she took.
Silver has absolutely no reaction to Lolly being there and it genuinely baffles me how these characters act like paper dolls.
Even if you want Silver not to listen, that still won't take away the fact that you're sick. You can shove your false consideration up your ass.
This line feels like it should be dialogue, yet no characters speak it or react to it. I'd honestly suggest deleting it. Also, the fact that pedophiles keep getting referred to just as 'sick' or 'mentally ill' in this story is mind-blowing. You would think that with the level of severity this is treated with (or the lack of) that Lolly was just snapping at a character who had mild mood swings or something and it happened to be annoying her.
When Silver was no longer in sight of any of us, Sniper Husky looked at me. The smile she had disappeared faster than the blink of an eye. "So you plan to kill me... I would be very careful with what I say," Sniper Husky began to trot towards my side. "Savez-vous what has happened to the poneys that have menacé me for exactly la même chose? Most of them end up being dinner for my huskies," Sniper Husky said as she positioned herself behind me. My eyes followed her every step she took.
The plural of pony is spelled 'ponies' and it is absolute insane to see it spelled like this. The only thing I can get out of this is that the writer still has no idea how atmosphere can work and be set by body language and that Husky feeds those who cross her in some way to her dogs. Everything else is garbled. Also, where are these dogs? How is she able to have dogs in the Enclave? if a creature can't fly, there isn't a plausible place for these animals to be put.
"Have you heard about the Stable Dweller who was found dead in Frence? Elle came to my house to try to kill me, elle discovered that I like sleeping with foals. Do you know what happened to elle after I defeated that connasse? I raped her, une demi-heure. When I got bored of her pussy, I shot her in the head. Then I used her body to feed my huskies," Sniper Husky said with a tone of frustration. She told it to me as if it were somethin' common or ordinary. I think I will lose my sanity If I keep listenin' to this bitch.
While a murderous pedophile is perfectly plausible, the way the author manages to introduce anything in this story and the absolute butchering of eye dialect makes me cringe so damn much.
I looked back for a few seconds, and Sniper Husky was headin' towards the lake, surely where Silver was, to continue abusin' her. This caused me to clench my teeth and hooves, but there's not much I can do now. I just have to wait for the moment. But first, I think I'll have a private meetin' with Crimson Flash. He should know the kind of pony he's allied with.
She just lets the pedophile go back to her victim after a very unconvincing intimidation scene. What the fuck?
I looked back for a few seconds, and Sniper Husky was headin' towards the lake, surely where Silver was, to continue abusin' her. This caused me to clench my teeth and hooves, but there's not much I can do now. I just have to wait for the moment. But first, I think I'll have a private meetin' with Crimson Flash. He should know the kind of pony he's allied with.
If she doesn't hide this, how is she a functioning member of the Enclave?
Crimson Flash landed in front of me, closin' his wings. "If I'm not mistaken, you must be soldato Lollipop, vero? The one who wanted to talk about Sniper Husky."
"Exactly. I'll get to the point about what I saw today. It's somethin' very disturbin'. Are you ready for what I'm gonna tell you?" I asked, wantin' to make sure I didn't disturb him too much. At least I wanted him to prepare himself mentally.
"Porca miseria! What could be so disturbing that you called me... go ahead and tell me," Crimson said, leanin' his head forward and grippin' his umbrella tightly.
The Enclave is an isolationist ethnostate that has been cut off from everywhere else for over two hundred years. They are not going to have bilingual ponies or immigrants. They're a monoculture descended purely from the remaining pegasus ponies in Equestria and nowhere else. This is literally the most basic facts about them established in the original story.
"Sniper has an eight-year-old filly as a girlfriend. I don't know how close you two are, but I'd say do somethin' about it. I guess you know what would happen if the Enclave finds out we're negotiatin' with ponies... you know," I said in a low voice, bein' close to him with a raised chin.
She is raping a child. Say it how it actually is. Also, if Lolly is worried that Crimson won't believe her, why doesn't she provide more details?
Crimson Flash's expression changed from worried to... laughin'? What the fuck?
"Is that what you called me for? I already know that. Plus, I have no problemi with that. The Meteora Enclave doesn't care if Sniper sleeps con una filly. What they want is for me to continue bringing them tecnologia avanzata and more materiali. That's all they care about," Crimson said, takin' the situation lightly.
"Wha- What?! You say they know about this and don't do anythin'?" I leaned back with wide eyes, I couldn't believe it. Does the Enclave know about this? Fuck no! I need them to confirm it for me.
"Yes, they know. They don't really care. The only one who cares about that is you. Why don't you leave it at that? What Sniper does in her vita privata shouldn't matter to you," Crimson said, stepping forward towards me, his hooves splashing the small puddles of water on the ground.
What possible reason could the Enclave have to not be willing to handle a pedophile properly? In another story, this kind of reaction could be an interesting twist, but once again, the author fails to execute it in any way that really sticks.
I shook my head at how screwed up the situation was. "But she's abusin' a filly. Do you know how bad that sounds in itself? Would you let her continue abusin' an eight-year-old filly?" I asked Crimson, raising a bent hoof towards him and squeezin' it.
Crimson sighed, bringin' a hoof to his forehead and then placin' it back on the ground. "Sniper Husky along with my other divini sons, I love them a lot. Their life before was miserabile. They were abused slaves, with the worst treatment you can immaginare. You know what it's like to be tied to a cross for three hours under the sun, while they throw stones at you and spit on you?" Crimson Flash said, movin' his head to the side while still keepin' his gaze on me. "I am not giustificando their actions. I am not saying that sleeping with foals is okay. But I let them do what they want because I want to give them the freedom that nopony else dared to give them. As long as what they do does not disrupt my organizzazione, it would be fine. If they sleep with foals, rape, kill, things that are common in this world we live in, it is not mio problema."
Literally everything in this story is so emotionless and unconvincing.
Crimson sighed in annoyance, lookin' down and then up to me. "You can insultarmi all you want. I cannot control what happens in the tierra desolata. What you're complaining about so much, it happens all over Equestria. It's a useless fight that ain't worth wasting time for," Crimson Flash extended his wings and approached me. "If you mess with Sniper Husky, you and I will be in serious trouble. Not only with us, but also with the enclave. I know that you saved that group of survivors without autorizzazione that day. If you don't want everypony against you, you just don't have to meddle in what don't matter to you, capisci?"
The use of mixed language dialogue in this story drags it down so damn much; I can't stress that enough. If you want to do something like this as an author, study stories that do it well. Also, I hate all the vague and mechanical motions of the characters. They just move around ever so slightly here and there. Nothing they do has an iota of feeling to it and the author shows that they don't know how to write in an expressive way.
I just want Sniper to pay for what she's doing. That's all I ask. I don't care about being a hero or getting recognition. I just want to see a bullet in her skull. That's all...
She literally could have dealt with this pedophile properly multiple scenes ago.
And now, onto the comments.
Andy says:
Healing potions exist; there is a combination between traditional and magical processes. It would have been very convenient for Stardust to find a healing position in the hospital. I try to avoid convenience as much as possible and create credible situations.
User #5 replies:
If there's a place I would expect to have Healing Potions it would be a hospital. They probably have a whole supply closet of them for emergency. Doesn't mean they would be still there after 200 years. Could've been stolen or destroyed but if they exist were a available to the general public a hospital should've Healing Potions.
Seriously, why wasn't there a single healing potion on any floor of the hospital? Or anything beyond basic medic supplies? More time was spent on writing hallucinations that added up to absolutely nothing and were never fully revealed or explained than scouting out proper medical equipment.
Andy says:
Also, did you know that Seren is a character from another Fallout Equestria that was canceled? That's why Sniper killed her LMAO. I like adding characters from other FOE; it's like creating my own canon.
Yeah... so the character that Husky killed isn't even one that belongs to Andy. He had his OC rape and murder someone else's OC for... his own amusement. And of course, there is no credit to the proper owner of the character or indication that he asked permission. Again.
The rest of the comments on this chapter are honestly just filled with the author explaining bad writing choices and repeating the same mistakes that appear in other chapters. I would be repeating myself to dive into them.
At this point, I'm not sure how the story is going to go anywhere that isn't just a cyclical and self-serving mess. Because of that, I'm going to spotlight content from the comments on those chapters that are worth addressing. While I did initially plan to read every chapter of this story, I did so thinking that it would be a mix of an edgy mess (though, a more entertaining one) and content that was so bad that it was hilarious. This story isn't that, though. A less patient reader would have to ragequit this story many chapters ago, but I wanted to push myself a bit further in the hopes of offering a more complete examination of where it goes wrong and just how badly it does. Maybe other readers would be willing to have more fun with this, such as creating a badfic drinking game or using their time to be more critical editors in the comments. I see that many more recent comments have been deleted, so I would urge you to think before you comment -- it's one thing to make fun of this trainwreck of a story, it's another thing to bombard the author with what would absolutely count as bullying.
So let's look at the comments:
Andy writes:
Author's Note:
Warning ⚠️: This episode could change your perception of how you read Project Horizons & Homelands
This is vague and unhelpful. What about a warning for containing spoilers to other peoples' stories, maybe?
User #5 says:
Wow, that sounds pretty arrogant.
Now did it change my perception of Project Horizons and Homelands? No, not really. Just like Cupcakes didn't change my perception of Pinkie Pie.
Also a proper warning about some mild water sports would've been far more useful than this self-praising.
Agreed on all points. Consider a story without piss.
User #5 goes on to say:
So the first part of the story has Blackjack being madly in love with Candy. A mare she has met just yesterday. Would it make sense for canon Blackjack? Probably not. Somber said she falls in love easily but it still need more than a one-night stand for that to happen. But it's clear that this version of Blackjack is not in a good head space and desperately craving for love and attention. So it makes sense that this Blackjack believes herself to be in love and wants to spend the rest of her live with her, even if it's not a good idea.
So... the original creator of the character Blackjack has provided clear canon on her behavior and personality... which Andy proceeds to ignore without any good cause, as far as I can tell. This reader is more charitable with how they're taking the story, so I'll include their views to try to provide a balance that y'all feel my takeaway may not have.
Candy, however, is also fully on-board with that. Sure she says that she wants to go on a proper date with Blackjack but she also talks about eventually moving in with Blackjack. Again, after they know each other for about one day. Now maybe Candy is also bad at forming last relationships or maybe this is a side effect of the Moonshadow Resonance. But part of me worries that the story really is going to set up Candy and Blackjack as a couple and thinks that little dialogue is enough to justify them being in love.
I would like to remind readers that the little science-y interlude wasn't properly foreshadowed in any way nor did our author, Andy, effectively show that an outside force might be impacting the characters' actions, resulting in them being under the influence of something other than alcohol. I'm also not sure if the author is trying to make the whole 'Uhaul lesbians' trope work, or why they would even need to, especially when both characters are in an LGBT-positive neighborhood and apparently neither of them has trouble finding company. They haven't discovered anything special about each other. There isn't anything deliberate in the writing to indicate that either of them has some kind of mental health condition that could impact interpersonal relationships to the degree needed to justify their behavior. They just seem to have alien shipping syndrome and some kind of brainworms.
Thankfully it gets better in the next part where Blackjack is suddenly sucked into the first version of PH she came up with when she was a child. No explanation is provided for why it did happen but it's at least interesting to read. A world that looks like crayon-drawing, a boss fight with a tree monster, a narrator that hypes up the story: That's all stuff a small child would come up with. And Lacunae being an Alicorn because child Blackjack though Alicorns are cool and wanted to be friend with one makes sense. That said, wasn't it mentioned in an earlier chapter that her friends are real. Can't find the sentence but I could've sworn the story mentioned her as one of Blackjack's friends who moved away. So is there a real Lacunae or not?
And here we have... more of the author not being able to keep their own canon straight between just a couple of chapters.
And there are the parts involving urine. Probably because both Blackjack and Candy are kinda embarrassed about it. Yet it didn't really add anything new to the story. We already know that Blackjack is grossed out about it, you don't need to tell us again. You know what would've been interesting? Focusing on the fetish Blackjack has in canon: Bondage. Part of the reason why canon Blackjack likes it, is because she thinks she deserves to be punished for all her failures. That's already a pretty unhealthy mindset. Now add in a cosmic ray that increases your secret urges and dark impulses and you could've a Blackjack who could seriously injured herself during bondage. Overcoming that, maybe with the help of Candy, could make a good story.
I'm not a sex writer nor am I known for being a reader of sex. Anyone who has followed me long enough knows why. However, I felt that readers who are familiar with Somber's story and are interested in sexuality in writing might find this suggestion to be of interest. The commenters here genuinely know the characters better than the author and have some great suggestions that would be worth considering for a revision.
Andy's reply is:
By that warning I meant that if a person reads this and then reads Project Horizons, the way it is read could change, then I have people sending me death threats privately, like "What? Now I can't read PH without thinking that everything Blackjack experiences isn't real, thanks to a idiot called Andy."
All I want is to avoid more controversies, because I'm already fucking sick of that.
If people do that, report them. Also, block people you don't want sending you messages and commenting on your stories. I'm not sure how the author considers this story to be a controversy because even though it has more downvotes than upvotes, it barely has any comments.
Funny that you see it as arrogant and self praising, because with this story I have very low expectations ( I lost two potential readers and other that just disappeared, I don't have friends who can help me with this story, the covert is a recolor of another fanart that I modified using Photoshop because the one I had done before was 'hard to take seriously', Stardust is a recolor of Lyra, Mona Lisa wiki is empty, I'll probably have to fill it out myself, I talked to a guy to make a summary of the Mona Lisa episodes on YouTube, guy never responded, but he's still active on his channel, so he basically ignored me, my story was isolated from the Spanish MLP fandom because it is not part of the Big 5, the wallpaper on my Laptop is another fan art that I modified by changing colors, putting logos and my name, so that every time I turn on my laptop, I can have some motivation) not only with my story but with all my talents and my worth as a person.
Why would you admit to stealing art like that?
Also, if you want a creator to do something for you for free, see if they take requests. If they do, ask them what their rules are. Don't overburden them. If they do not take requests, commission them. This kind of behavior is actually very entitled.
If I'm reading this right, it also is saying that the author is ESL. That does explain the lack of various proper nouns being capitalized since punctuation for that is different in Spanish. However, that is also an error that native English speakers are prone to making too. I'm not ESL, so take any advice I give about that with a grain of salt. Despite this, I would like to say that there isn't any shame in being ESL and that no one should belittled for it. There are lots of groups on the site open to every user, no matter your mother tongue. Many users on the site also speak Spanish, both as native speakers and as another language in their roulette. Many of them are successful authors and would undoubtedly be willing to give advice (within reason) if you sent a kind PM to them asking for help. Various communities for MLP exist on Discord too, and most of them are just as friendly and open as you would expect an MLP community to be.
The place where I can be "Arrogant" is in my head where I imagine people praising my stories and telling me how good I am, a mechanism that I have used to keep myself motivated to continue writing, not only with writing, but also with Skateboarding when I do a trick and I do it well, I imagine conversations in my head of people telling me "That was sick man!" because no one shares that taste for the sport the same as me, making me feel isolated.
A word of advice: this is more naive than just arrogant. You can and should be excited to share your work in the majority of situations. However, being excited to share something and hoping that people notice all the parts that you love crafting is very different from expecting immediate praise. If you're struggling this much with self-worth and your relationship with writing, I would take a few steps back and figure out how to rethink things. I'm also immensely proud of my creations and I love when people comment on all the parts that I wished people would notice or had fun writing. I love getting fan art. But I also know that I shouldn't have praise just because I can write -- I have to earn that praise. There is a difference between being aware of your own talents (and knowing when they go unrecognized or haven't been judged fairly) and being entitled and unwilling to accept any criticism.
There would be people who would prefer PH to be real, why do you think people really like Blackjack and identify with her? Because they see her as someone they want to be, these people also want to be highly loved, to be someone badass, to be a hero, to be an influential figure, desires of lonely people.
People can identify with characters for a variety of reasons. Limiting it to just this is short-sighted.
Trying to portray Blackjack 100% canon is difficult, especially in this context where she is a nobody, I always found it interesting what would happen if Blackjack didn't have nearly the attention she has in PH, that's why I've had to take some liberties and theorize how would she act in a scenario like this.
(Before, in fact, I was going to take the ending of PH to put it together in the context of my story, but that ending, when I read what the ending was like where Blackjack is [...] with Littlepip, I couldn't help but laugh, because it's basically 'I want my OC to be with the other OC that I like' and no one says anything about this,
1) If portraying the character is difficult, you can practice.
2) If Blackjack is a dynamic character, she presumably grows through her story. To portray her canon personality while still having her as an actor, you're essentially resetting her personality to how it would be before she goes on her adventure. However, this also makes the assumption that actress Blackjack is somehow the same as the character she portrays.
3) If you stopped reading a story that was otherwise competently written and laugh at the parts you didn't read when you take them out of context, you don't have good judgment. Skilled authors can pull off concepts that would otherwise feel like shallow wish fulfillment and fanservice as legitimate parts of the plot. Read it instead, especially if you want to have a good grasp on how parody even works. What doesn't need to be read to be parodied is just bad fiction, for the most part.
4) I've noticed that Andy here touts his story as a masterpiece that has been thoroughly researched and must be taken seriously but doesn't appear to do the same for other authors -- including those who created the bulk of the content that he uses.
True, in 2012, I think I was about 8 years old [...] I would pay a commission but the thing is that I'm too young, I don't have a job yet, it's true that it doesn't guarantee anything.
This is not an excuse to steal art. Many artists out there do inexpensive commissions, YCHs, or even basic vectors for fairly low prices. If you have friends who are artists, you can negotiate with them. Many artists release things like bases for those who are new to art, and those are usually free to use with credit. The general rule with art is to credit the artist and not do... exactly what it is that Andy does with art. You don't even have to have a character in your artwork -- free-to-use to use art and editing programs exist if you just want a logo and text.
I have experience commissioning covers, crediting artists, and removing art that an artist politely told me that they did not wish to be used. I also have edited cover art out of existing pieces to make things for my stories. However, I always credit the artist and make it clear that I edited the art. My edits are simple and consist of adding things like borders, shapes, filters, and fonts in free-to-use programs -- not completely erasing what the artist made to add to my own creations. That is something that I haven't ever gotten permission for.
Yes, in fact sometimes she meets fans, but not many recognize her, let's say that of the entire Wasteland, only 10% still remember her. PH had its moment of glory, but the entertainment industry is evolving and more products are being released, and clearly PH is little by little being forgotten, it is just like our world, at this moment the most famous thing is Power Ponies.
This isn't portrayed in a way that feels consistent or well-written.
You are the only one who comments so your criticism is the only thing I have, it is true that sometimes there can be redundancy in my writing, I usually forget what I wrote 5 minutes ago, and since no one checks my texts, from my perspective everything is fine and I continue writing, currently I try to be very careful with that, so as not to make this mistake so often.
Always proofread and edit your own work. It doesn't mean that your work will be error-free, but this isn't an excuse to write badly.
My rewrites can cause intense emotions in the fanboys of some characters, with these characters I am not trying to prove that my rewrites are better, Mona Lisa is like the movies, games and animes of the 1999 and 2000s that used to have a darker and serious tone (Like Arlington Road, Silent Hill, Jacob's Ladder) Therefore, I have to eliminate exaggerated traits of their personalities because they don't fit the atmosphere of my story, that was all.
1) This sounds like an excuse to shield yourself from stealing characters and writing them this way.
2) At no point is it demonstrated that the characters have 'exaggerated traits' (especially those that would warrant re-writing to this degree).
At one point in reading one of these chapters, User #5 comments:
You don't need a body for a funeral. There are funerals for missing people. Part of it is to give the friends and relatives some closure.
This is a simple research failure on the part of the author. Even if we lived in a world where bodies were effectively required for funerals, why on earth would that be the norm in the wasteland?
Also, much like the bizarre interlude, this story has alternate endings to chapters published... not at the end of the story, or in an anthology to serve as bonus material... but apparently just because.
Andy mentions this in a comment:
It was to make it more explicit, more raw, and more direct, like a Rammstein song. Sometimes their lyrics inspire me to create scenes like these; I even imagine Project Horizons translated into German and Blackjack saying, "Sicherheit rettet Ponys!" It would be cool, but I'm too lazy to translate such a long fanfic that probably no one is going to read. Let's say that the German fandom is very small; it's not as big as the Spanish one, besides the English one.
The plural of pony is still ponies, for fuck's sake.
He also says:
I did this so that well, add variety to the story and people don't get bored with the same thing, of a stable dweller who leaves a stable, meets her future partner, little by little she meets her companions, I copy side quest from Fallout 3, New Vegas, she defeats all the bad guys, and that's it.
To which User #5 correctly replies:
If you want to avoid that, then why make Stardust a Stable dweller in the first place? There's no requirement that you need to have a Stable Dweller in your story. That said, if it's well written and has interesting characters even a story that could be described as standard Fallout: Equestria plot line can be good.
Andy actually finally says something quite curious:
Clearly, all the characters are going to meet each other; there are some who even cross paths and interact with each other for a brief moment. My story basically shows different perspectives on how each character lives in the wasteland, each with their own struggles and conflicts. It is a change in formula that I used based on the Eternal Darkness game, where you change characters constantly, but my case is more complex.
There is no indication that these characters are going to meet. Any of them. This story is already over 100k words long and the plots haven't connected yet, nor have all the protagonists been introduced if we take Andy's description of his story as the truth. For this to not happen after so many words take a skilled author to pull off something like that and suggests that this story is going to be absolutely ungodly in size. Have writers on this site pulled off things like that before? Yes, but they did so with skill and foresight. This author doesn't appear to have a story outline or any plan whatsoever between chapters. All of this screams that the story is bound to just inflate and fall over itself, so to speak.
Because Stardust is a unique case, first, I don't see myself reflected in her, and she is not who I want to be; nothing revolves around her.
This approach to a character isn't unique. None of this has to apply to writing a character. I don't experience this for the vast majority of the characters that I write. However, assuming that this is the case for other peoples' characters in their stories is distasteful.
Later on, she gains recognition, but it is for something that no one would want to be recognized.
We don't even get a hint of what this could be? When we last saw her, she was barely out of her Stable and still pulling bullets out of Lolly. That's how wonky the pacing in this story is.
There is another slew of comments between Andy and this user that delves into the next turn that this story has taken; based on what is talked about in the exchange, all that can be said is that the story goes even further off the rails and contains a degree of wish fulfillment that is completely incompatible with the setting. I have no ability to comment on it because of how out of the left field it is, so instead I will highlight this:
Here are Andy's reasons for deleting another user's comments:
It's not that, I had a fit of frustration when I read the comments again, sometimes when I read all the comments on this story, I feel that people have other intentions instead of giving constructive criticism, incapable of appreciating my art, I feel that there is another hidden motive, that happens to me when I do not analyze the comments in detail, it is difficult for me to trust someone, I have been emotionally manipulated many times in my life, sometimes I become paranoid and I don't know who to trust and who not to, but don't worry about that, I'm going to respond to your comment about Magnum Opus.
For the record: I saw the comments before they were deleted. They were in the same vein as User #5's critiques, with the same amount of politeness. Though, this reader happened to admit that they were giving up on the story.
Sounds great, doesn't it?
Now, onto the next story.
After such a long and grueling journey, I would like to offer a fun fact to my readers here, as a treat. I've had a few years of formal education in Japanese! I also happen to be working on relearning it. As a result, I'm able to read a fair deal of very, very basic Japanese and understand basic conversation. (My ability to speak Japanese remains rusty, though.) Because of this, I'll actually be able to comment on some of the multi-lingual elements of the next story.
Andy here wants to try his hand at Japanese. This is to the point where the next story that we'll be looking at is completely bilingual, as far as I can tell. It's certainly more so than the other stories, to the point where it appears to be a hard and fast breach of the rules. However, I don't think we'll need to spend too long looking at it, and not just because it has only two chapters up. Here it is:
[Adult story embed hidden]
Here is the bulk of the description:
Azuka and Tsuki, two young foals abandoned to their fate, discover that their parents perished in a gruesome accident. Now stranded in the merciless expanse of a post-apocalyptic wasteland, they struggle to survive on their own. Their desperate journey takes a dark turn when they are captured by a sadistic group of Raiders. These Raiders, reveling in the chaos and destruction of their world, subject Azuka and Tsuki to unspeakable horrors, teaching them the grotesque "wonders" of life amidst the blood-soaked ruins. What follows is a harrowing descent into a world where innocence is shattered, and survival demands a high price.
アズカとツキ、二人の幼いポニーは、両親が恐ろしい事故で亡くなったことを知り、運命に取り残されました。無慈悲なポストアポカリプスの荒野に取り残され、彼らは必死に自力で生き延びようとします。絶望的な旅の途中で、彼らはサディスティックなレイダーの集団に捕らえられてしまいます。このレイダーたちは、混沌と破壊の中で歓喜し、アズカとツキに血に染まった廃墟の中での人生のグロテスクな「素晴らしさ」を教え込みます。続くのは、純真が打ち砕かれ、生存が高い代償を要求する世界への恐ろしい下降です。
A few notes, for the unaware:
The names 'Azuka' and 'Tsuki' are consistently written in katakana in the title and description. This obscures any certain meaning that they might have, and it has nothing to do with the fact that we don't know either foal's gender or possible cutie marks. In Japanese, gender works very differently than in languages like French, Spanish, and German, which have all appeared in Andy's stories so far. It has to do with the nature of the script. Of all of Japan's alphabets, hiragana and katakana only tell you how something sounds. Kanji are the characters that actually reveal the meaning of something.
However, a bit of searching reveals that these names might have meanings that could potentially work for ponies:
Tsuki: the only kanji I can find for this name is the one for 'moon' which also doubles as the character for 'month' which means that this character is either named 'Moon' or 'Month,' though I think that the former is more likely. The name is traditionally used for girls, though the Rabbit in the Moon from Japanese folklore is male.
Azuka: This one is much trickier. The Japanese name 'Asuka' is far more common, and various African languages have 'Azuka' as a name, usually for girls. An article on ancestry.com suggests that 'Azuka' is a possible variant of 'Azusa' (which can also be Azula and Azura). All of these have the literal meaning of 'catalpa tree' (which is also called catawba). This tree is sacred in Japan and believed to have mystical properties. All of these variants of the name are used for girls, and it appears to be an older name. I have no idea if Andy intended one of these to be the name, or if he confused it with the more commonly used Asuka.
I can tell that this is Google Translate Japanese because of one particularly glaring error:
二人
No story about ponies should ever use this word. Ever. This means 'two humans' (literally, we would use say 'people' to avoid coming across as completely bizarre). A pony is not a human. There are a couple of expressions in Japanese that can mean 'pony' but Andy opts for the easiest, which is this: ポニー (if transliterated in Romanji, it's 'poni' and the source is really obvious). So Andy is literally saying 'two young pony-humans' which makes no sense, especially when the option he picked for 'pony' doesn't work well with traditional Japanese plurals. In Japanese, most words (if there are exceptions, I can't think of any) are not singular or plural. To make something plural outside of simply using context, you have to add one of multiple possible plural suffixes. Sometimes, these are called 'counter words' because the words for counting objects and creatures can change.
So, what's the best word to use in this case?
二馬たち
What does this mean?
'Two horses' is the translation. It is the simplest way to say 'pony' using the basic word for horse, the character for two, and the most common plural suffix -- particularly when talking about living beings. I don't know the word for 'foal' but using a word for 'young' would likely do just fine.
Now, onto the content warning:
Rape, foalcon, scat, masturbation with a box cutter, worms, watersports, emetophilia, impregnation, sex with a Radroach, necrophilia.
It's things like this that make it impossible for me to disagree with the statement 'some people should be bullied' because the idea that you can make simulated CP fucking worse is just one of those things that shouldn't exist.
But here we are.
This story is apparently a story-within-a-story that emerges at some point in Andy's previous story, likely in the chapters I skipped out on because the story was becoming unbearable. A few comments on those later chapters did touch on mentions of horse Japan, though the content was -- as I said -- beyond what I could comment on without having read the story.
I would also like to comment on the cover art: it has three fillies (not two), uses a recolored vector, a background I can't discern, and text and logs spread haphazardly over everything. As you can imagine, not a single one of these is sourced or credited in any shape or form.
One of these chapters is listed as having Japanese dialogue. Since this is a site exclusively for English language writing, I'm wondering what exactly that means.
In 2001, the city of Tokyolt was devastated by the consequences of war. Even though more than 200 years have passed since then, the scars remain.
The year 2001 doesn't exist in the MLP world. Also, that's the worst example of a pony name for Tokyo that I've come across. Sometimes it can take multiple tries to come up with a good name. Don't just slap the weakest option that pops into your head first into your story. Oh, and yes, even in this story, every sentence is treated as a paragraph.
There are no laws or security; ponies are free to do whatever they want in this world without rules. The harmony and friendship that once characterized Equestria vanished long ago, leaving behind a land of blood and destruction.
Equestria is a different country. Pony Japan would not have any relation to it. This is like me saying that the values of Saudi Arabia vanished long ago and now Canada is a shithole because of that. There is literally no connection between those two things.
Tokyolt, once a technological paradise, has decayed into a ruinous wasteland.
Equestria only industrialized partially in the setting due to the war against the zebra. Horse Japan wasn't involved in that conflict and should have logistically still been at the technological level of the portions of MLP canon used in the setting prior to that revolution.
Nippony's eight regions lie in ruins, each one heavily contaminated with radiation.
1) Why would you call it that? You're free to use other names for the country that someone else came up with if you credit them and shit. Fanon names for places are a melting pot of free-to-use options.
2) They shouldn't be experiencing radiation. They were literally not involved in the conflict that created the wastelands.
Over fifty disappearances have been reported, adding to the city's sinister reputation.
How is there still a sense of official statistics being kept?
In the lonely streets of the Genza district, a Lexas LS-400 lay crumpled against a fallen light pole. Shattered glass littered the ground and the vehicle's dashboard. Smoke billowed from the engine, obscuring the view ahead.
What does this even look like?
They had been en route to Shirahema Beach, hoping to find a watercraft to escape Nippony and reach less irradiated cities in Equestria. The accident shattered their desperate plan, trapping them in the wreckage amidst the desolation of Genza.
Equestria and the Zebra Lands were literally the two countries that bombed each other. There is no reason for this country to have been impacted in any way. The author seriously knows virtually nothing about the setting being used.
The first pony to open her eyes was Azuka, a playful and optimistic seven-year-old filly despite the dire situation.
As the author, it's your responsibility to establish how literally any of this makes sense and coherent ways to introduce your characters.
She felt a terrible headache and realized she was bleeding from her forehead after the accident, though she hadn't noticed it at first. Azuka gently touched her forehead, avoiding the path of blood trickling down.
This is a potentially serious injury, but of course, we're going to overlook that.
"Nani ga atta no?" (What happened?) Azuka muttered, her voice tinged with confusion. Her vision blurred as she looked up at the vehicle's roof. She wanted her sight to clear before attempting to rise and make sense of the situation.
Wait... this is what the author meant? Not only is this not kosher according to any site rules, it is absolutely unnecessary. This is like thinking that we can't figure out that the characters are speaking another language just because we can read it.
"Papa, daijōbu ka?" (Daddy, are you okay?) Azuka called out. There was no response, only the eerie sound of the wind filling the silence.
Azuka extended both front hooves, gently shaking her mother's seat. "Mamaa, okite yo." (Mommy, please wake up.) But there was no response.
"Mada nete tte iru ndarou na." (I guess they are still asleep.) Azuka thought, frustration building. Her innocent mind believed her parents were merely taking a nap.
The Japanese words for mother and father aren't used. The persistent issue with paragraphs... just... everything about this story is conceptually wrong.
"Kuruma ga kowarete shimatta kara, ima kara dō yatte nukeru ka nante, muzukashii na. Watashi ga kikitakoto ni yoreba, soto no jōkyō wa zenzen yoku nai mitai." (I wonder how we are going to get out of here, now that the car is damaged. From everything I have heard, what is out there isn't good at all.) Azuka thought, bringing both front hooves together. She was in front of the Kabeki-za theater, thinking that there was still a long way to go before reaching the beach. The thought worried her, her sense of exploration battling against the fear invading her.
These characters don't even sound like children. Why are they even in this situation in the first place? We don't even have a hint as to why that is.
Tsuki had scratches on his horn and his left front hoof, feeling only a burning sensation that was not too serious. He could ignore the pain without much trouble. "Sore wa nani dattan desu ka?" (What was that thing?) he murmured, remembering what he had seen before the accident, still unaware that his sister was calling him.
All of the characters in the cover art are female. The author stole the art and presumably edited it, but couldn't bother to edit that much out?
"Baka na watashi. Sono te o hipparanakya doa ga akenakatta no wa shiranakatta. Demo, ima wa sonna koto shinpai nai mitai."(Silly me. I didn't know I had to pull that thing to open the door. But I guess that doesn't matter now.) she thought. Her brother was the first to get out of the vehicle, while she simply flew out, shaking her hoof in front of her face to get rid of the smoke.
She's seven years old... and doesn't know how to open a car door?
"Koko kara dete ikō, Azuka-chan! Kuruma wa itsu bakuhatsu suru ka wakaranai yo!" (Let's get out of here, Azuka-chan! The car could explode at any moment!) Tsuki said, running at full speed in a random direction. The important thing for him and his sister was to get away from the vehicle.
Why do they understand explosions but not death... why is anything in this story happening, aside from Sick Fuck reasons?
The siblings arrived at the alley next to the Genza Yamau (ゲンザヤマウ), a commercial building that was once painted a pristine white but was now stained with dirt. The windows were broken, allowing anypony to enter.
This is completely unnecessary... just like... well, everything else.
"Sentaku ga amari nai ne. Watashi ga hashitte, anata ga tobu to shitara, bīchi made nan'nichi mo kakarisō da yo. Dareka ni tetsudatte moratta hō ga ī ne." (We don't have many options. Getting to the beach would take us days if I am trotting and you are flying. It's better to have somepony help us.) Tsuki said, looking at the ground and then directing his gaze at his parents, who still did not move a muscle.
They seriously don't talk like children. Also, how does going to the beach in a literal radioactive urban wasteland work? How on earth have these foals survived for so long?
And now, onto the comments.
Andy says:
I knew that could happen, goddammit. If I delete the dialogue in romaji, the atmosphere I wanted to achieve is completely lost. If I put everything in English, it would feel like just another story, and it wouldn't feel like my story takes place in a pony version of Japan.
Fun fact: a good writer can pull off the atmosphere without using a single Japanese word beyond the names of characters, food, and places.
Another fun fact: instead of making a story that breaks site rules, you can balance a bearable mix of common Japanese words and mannerisms alongside dialogue that is in English (at least to the reader).
Also a fun fact: the vast majority of media set in other countries uses the language of the audience and never suffers a loss of immersion. This is a made-up problem.
So... the verdict for this story? The content warning alone makes this one of the easiest and most justified downvotes that you can ever imagine. However, the prologue alone manages to make this nosedive hard into unsalvagable badfic territory.
Now, onto the next story.
Only four stories are left. All of them are short, second-person stories where the reader either dates one of the ponies or hangs out with them. Let's look at the first one:
Here is the summary:
Stardust Glitter is far from flawless; imperfections thread through the fabric of her being, as they do with us all. Your willingness to extend patience towards her nuances will be met with gratitude. As you embark on your date together, a delicate balance must be struck in your choice of words, mindful of the potential to evoke tears from Stardust's sensitive soul.
Your affection and comprehension are paramount, particularly considering the traumatic ordeal she has weathered. Above all else, your paramount concern is to shield her from any further anguish, avoiding the heartbreaking sight of tears staining her cheeks.
As far as Andy's summaries go, this one is the best I can think of so far, but it still struggles to capture what a normal summary needs: any hint of the plot. There just isn't any concrete indication of the what/why/where/when/how of this story. Usually, Andy manages to explain the who or the where, but never more than one.
We also still don't have a single crossover tag on this story or the last one.
Also... most human self-insert and pony romances manage to tease a little bit about the existence of a human in Equestria and how it works. I'm not sure this story is going to manage that, especially with the extremely short word count.
Stardust Glitter is a character created and written by Andy Hunter, she is one of the main protagonists of my story. Mona Lisa Overdrive
This sentence was absolutely necessary, but it isn't even formatted correctly. Oh, and the chapter title contains the ever-odd reference to 'Judith' being associated with Stardust... which is never really explained in the main story.
There are two elephants in the room, though. The first is the cover art. It certainly looks peculiar. Just like all of Andy's other stories, there isn't a source, but there is a signature. Knowing his habit of stealing art, the lack of credit, and the other details that are obviously 'off' I decided to take to Derpibooru. This time, I didn't need any character tags, or even to search by the flower that is obvious in the picture. Just the artist's name was enough; they only have thirty-four pictures. The cover art is indeed stolen, and the original image of Lyra happily dancing in a daisy field can be found here.
The second elephant is the actual story. It contains all the usual issues of Andy's stories in terms of grammar, nonsensical accents, being overly telly, and more. Here, it's not to a particularly unbearable degree... but there are still other enormous flaws in the story. First of all, this isn't a standalone story, even though it's marked as one. Over one-quarter of the story is spent giving a flat recap of a few of the middle chapters in Andy's main story, as if the reader and the reader's character should already have intimate knowledge of them. Absolutely no work is done to establish Stardust, her attraction to the reader, or the allure of either party. They have the chemistry of slapping two cardboard cutouts together.
"You know, it's been too long since we indulged in a bit of naughty fun. How about we sneak off to a public loo, and I treat you to a cheeky blowjob?" she suggested, her words laced with an undeniable allure.
This story immediately needs a 'sex' tag... and I was surprised to see there was one. The characters continue to talk about sex and we even get lines implying sex, there isn't really anything fitting for a romance tag. There is more effort put into sexual dialogue than there is put into giving the characters a setting to move about in. In general, this serves as a keen example that Andy can write about casual relationships and the like, but that he can't write romantic ones.
Meanwhile, you found yourself leaning against the wall, exhaustion weighing heavily upon you. Stardust's proposal elicited a wave of frustration within you, unable to bear the prospect of another round of intimacy so soon. "Are you serious, Stardust? Can't we do anything besides fucking?" you retorted, your weariness evident in your voice.
Stardust turned to face you, a mixture of shock and hurt clouding her expression at your abrupt response. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears as she struggled to comprehend your rejection. "What else is there for us, then? You don't want me to get knackered, you don't want me to get bladdered, you don't want me to turn tricks. I'm not a bleeding foal! I'm your bird, not your bairn. I reckon my old boy would give me more freedom than this," she lamented, casting her gaze aside, her hooves fidgeting nervously as she bit her lip.
There isn't a profanity tag. Also, she talks like someone much older despite canonically being newly of the age of majority. They're also still randomly British. Oh, and I had no idea that this character was even bisexual? In Andy's main story, everything points to her being a lesbian.
The characters then proceed to spend most of the story having a very carbon-copy relationship argument with heavy helpings of Stardust being British... for reasons. Finally, at the end, they decide to watch a movie.
The verdict for this is simple: if this were any other author, and especially if they were newer to writing, this would not be a story I'd vote on and the writer would get a long-ass comment about how they should improve their story. But this is Andy, and coming from him it's simply a continuation of glaring flaws that he has no given intention to improve, plus the usual stealing. Therefore, downvote.
Onwards to the next story.
At first glance, this story might seem pretty normal. But what issues can we glean from it? Well, for starters, it has a cover art with no source and no artist signature. Despite this, I was able to find the art. It's someone's submission for a general character to be used in a Fallout: Equestria mod. Given Andy's history of stealing art, this doesn't bode very well. The obvious tagging issues are also apparent: there isn't a crossover tag anywhere in sight.
The actual story is very bland: you are already a normalized human in the setting for no reason, you're already friends with all of the characters, we're already supposed to know who all of the characters are -- and a bunch of other things.
Oh, and for some reason, there are cell phones with keyboards that ponies can use. Does that make any sense? No. Is it ever explained? No.
"Just deh pon mi corner, sellin' some weapons and ting, ya know? If yuh need any, I got rifles, pistols, all at a good price. Just shipped 'em in from mi land," Linus offered, his entrepreneurial spirit shining through despite the bleakness of the wasteland. Selling arms was just one way he made ends meet in this harsh world.
1) Why would he talk that way to his friend?
2) How are they able to have any shipping, given the circumstances of the wasteland?
3) Clunky, overly telly, and inorganic strikes again.
"I'm over in New Aslington, ya know. Wherever you deh, I'll come link up with ya. 'Cause from what me know, you nah have nuh car," Linus suggested, offering to meet you halfway, a testament to his reliability.
The last part could have easily been indirect characterization, but this author never opts for that.
You spotted a sleek black Marcedaz Banz E500 hurtling toward you, recognizing it as Linus's signature ride, the vehicle he and Comet used for their weapon trade across different cities.
Once again, there is no true atmosphere to these stories. There isn't a setting. Everything might as well be happening in a void.
Linus explained, gesturing with his hooves before settling them back on the ground.
None of these stories ever explain exactly what kind of gestures are being made when characters are said to do things like this.
Aside from the eye dialect in this story leaving most readers absolutely lost, there isn't anything notable about this story. It's just mundane things happening.
You gave Linus a reassuring pat on the back. "That's the spirit; how about we take a ride around Marechester while we talk?" you suggested, flashing him a smile.
Linus's eyes lit up with excitement. "Sure ting, Linky! Sound like a blast, an' a good chance fi relax!"
With eager nods, you and Linus made your way to his car, engaging in lively conversation as you settled into the seats. The sound of rock music blared from the speakers, filling the car with energy as you cruised through the streets of Marechester, soaking in the sights and sounds of the bustling cityscape.
Every single one of Andy's second-person stories ends right as the setup is actually established. The actual plot of these stories always ends up being the ending paragraph. This should be the meat of what I'm reading, not the ending note. I feel like I'm reading a second-person story by someone who has only ever heard of the genre rather than really read and understood it.
The verdict on this is simple: no vote. It's disappointing, but more in the sense of being bland; it's not really bad or offensive enough to merit anything like a downvote.
Now, the remaining two stories await us.
The author's fascination with rewriting the character of Blackjack strikes again. Let's have a look:
The usual offenses stand out: we have no crossover tag, no source to the cover art, and more. However, two improvements are apparent. First, there is a sex tag and a profanity tag. Second, this actually manages to have a summary that outshines all of the previous stories:
Blackjack, grappling with loneliness, finds it unbearable to spend more than six hours apart from you. She bombards you with continuous calls, desperate to maintain a connection while you're engrossed in time with your friends. In response to her longing for affection and companionship, you choose to visit Blackjack's mansion, offering her the solace she craves.
This actually manages to answer those basic questions. We have a who, a where, a how, and a what. This is by no means a stellar summary, but it absolutely manages to do what it needs to do. Sometimes, that's all you need for a story -- especially a one-shot.
It would be a real shame if something managed to ruin this...
This Blackjack has no relation to the one in Project Horizons, this Blackjack is the realistic and complex version that I made of her that appears in Mona Lisa Overdrive
(I mean, she acts like a real-life person with some of her personality traits)
This is a Spin-off series that I came up with, where you will have dates with my characters and others.
This is just a nauseating and pretentious way to say you stole the character and bastardized her. He doesn't even credit the original creator. Is there a way to fix this? Yes. Here is one such example:
Blackjack belongs to Somber and the version of her that appears in this story is not the one that appears in his story Fallout: Equestria -- Project Horizons. This alternate version appears in my story, Fallout: Equestria -- Mona Lisa Overdive. This story is merely a spin-off.
Other than adding the relevant links, this could be improved by having Andy's main story marked as the prequel, since none of these stories manage to really stand alone.
Now, as for the actual story itself... this isn't what I'd really call a romance. I don't mean that it's a dark romance, evil love, or anything else like that... it's a tale about someone who is quite attached to an extremely codependent personality.
For example, while 'you' are simply out enjoying the city, your phone is blown up with calls from Blackjack and you have to have this worry:
With both hands pressed against your temples, the weight of those haunting voicemails stirred a profound sadness and empathy for Blackjack within you. "Don't worry, Blackjack, I'm on my way," you reassured yourself, hastening your steps to end her solitary wait.
As you sprinted towards her mansion, thoughts raced through your mind, pondering what Blackjack might have been enduring in your absence. "I hope she hasn't drowned her sorrows in alcohol or, worse yet, contemplated taking her own life." Tears threatened to spill from your eyes, but you brushed them away, pushing yourself to reach her side as quickly as possible.
You refused to succumb to fatigue, driven by the profound depth of your love for Blackjack. No obstacle could deter you from reaching her side.
Is this relayed in the clunkiest fashion possible? Yes. However, I want to draw attention to what it communicates about this relationship: this isn't slice-of-life romance fluff. This is something far sadder, something I usually see in the writing of more talented Second Person/Human in Equestria authors of the likes of Flutterpriest and Soaring. The best thing that an author can do is realize this and use that awareness to their advantage as they write. I don't trust an author like Andy to do that, but let's see how the story unfolds.
Your heart clenched with fear as the silence stretched on, amplifying your worry. "Please, open the door. Don't do anything drastic," you pleaded, pounding on the door with all your might. You were well aware of Blackjack's tendency towards suicidal thoughts when faced with prolonged abandonment, the weight of which only deepened your guilt, leaving a heavy ache in your chest.
"Blackjack, please," you implored, your voice strained with exhaustion as you wiped the sweat from your brow.
Once again, this indicates extreme dysfunction. It should also really have a suicide/self-harm tag because these are central themes to the story.
"I know what you're thinking. I know you think I'm a whiny good-for-nothing!" Blackjack's voice trembled as she sobbed, burying her front hooves in her eyes.
You hesitated, unsure of what to say to comfort your marefriend. Admitting your mistake, you dismissed the notion of justifying your actions.
"No... I don't see you that way. You don't have to put on a tough front. We all have vulnerabilities," you reassured her gently, inching closer in an attempt to dispel the loneliness engulfing Blackjack.
"Then why did you abandon me? Is it because of my nymphomania? Are you already bored of fucking me?" Blackjack's frustration and sadness dripped from her words, the weight of her emotions so heavy that she couldn't remain standing on all fours, opting to sit instead.
And... we're smacked in the face with bad dialogue and a bad sense of drama again. I'd love to see this concept of sex addiction and codependency fleshed out by a better author, since it is genuinely interesting... but what I'm reading right now absolutely isn't the good kush.
"No, Blackjack, it's not about that. I made a mistake by getting caught up in other matters and forgetting about you. I'm truly sorry," you confessed, kneeling down to meet Blackjack's gaze directly. "I listened to your voicemails... and I knew I had to come here immediately. I thought you could handle some time without me."
'You' should not be apologizing here, or at least not have it portrayed as healthy.
Also: there is a difference between the second person genre and Anon. It's a fine line, but they're not wholly interchangable. The second person 'character' is used when having the reader have a kind of interactive experience is for the best and when the actions done are generally still within the realm of realism, in a sense. Stories that use this in a way that isn't subversive (and I don't mean that as an insult here) are trying to treat the reader to an experience where the little things are emphasized. Those things could include enjoying a day in Equestria, solving a mystery, or brushing a pony's mane. You want to dwell on the details because that's what the reader is there for; it's their bread and butter and what they care about.
Stories that have Anon and aren't also second-person stories are different. While there is Anon lore and there are Anon subgenres that have been defined by the fandom, he (and in rarer cases, she or they) works somewhat differently.
Anon is best compared to a Player Character. In general, he's not necessarily going to have a fully apparent personality, though he can absolutely have some defined traits, just like how even 'blank slate' video game protagonists usually have some semblance of abilities, history, or consistent behavior. Despite this, you're not exactly supposed to relate to Anon -- he's just the best choice for that Player Character feeling as a vehicle for experiencing the story in a way that's different from having a fully defined original character. And like a Player Character, there is a massive range in quality. There are some insanely dull, stupid, and plain no-good Anon fics -- but there are also a whole host of stories that manage to use Anon in ways that are effective, fun, and subversive. I know that I'm not the guy that anyone thinks would go to bat for Anon fics, but there are some great ones that I've read.
With that said, this series of stories would be better off using Anon than the second person. They're not trying to immerse you in anything and they could give less of a shit about the details that those stories are supposed to advertise as part of their experience. A generic sort of Anon would be what these stories need -- it wouldn't make them good Anon fics per se, but it absolutely would fix the fact that there is no reason for these to be pure second-person stories.
"Do you realize that you're the only company I have? How could you think I could go weeks without you by my side? It makes me feel worthless," Blackjack's voice trembled as she spoke, refusing to meet your gaze as her eyes remained fixed on the ground.
"I know, and I'm sorry I didn't check in with you sooner. I'm really sorry," you whispered, gently stroking Blackjack's mane in a desperate attempt to offer her the affection she craved.
Though Blackjack remained silent, you felt a glimmer of hope as she allowed herself to be caressed.
With both front hooves, Blackjack leaned her head into your arms, still sobbing softly. Yet, the connection between you seemed to alleviate some of her loneliness, her movements against your embrace resembling a search for solace in a comforting pillow.
"Please don't abandon me. I couldn't bear to lose you. You're all I have left," Blackjack's voice was barely above a whisper, her eyes slowly opening with each heartfelt plea.
"That will never happen. You're a highly valued pony, Blackjack. I can't bear to see you suffer like this," you whispered, pressing a tender kiss to her forehead, an expression of your love and commitment to making things right. You vowed to yourself to do everything in your power to avoid repeating the same mistake.
As I read this, I can't help but wish any other author wrote this. It's barebones rather than bad compared to the bulk of the stories that I've touched upon, but those barebones could be so good if someone else wrote this.
"You don't have to pretend. I'll help you with your emotional struggles. That's what being a couple is all about," you reassured Blackjack, continuing to gently stroke her mane. Despite noticing her compact horn, you refrained from making any sarcastic remarks. This wasn't the time for jokes; supporting Blackjack through her difficulties was the priority.
This isn't a story about being a couple, it's a story about toxic behaviors.
"Alright, Blackjack. Just don't go getting drunk and doing something crazy while we're having fun," you teased with playful sarcasm.
Blackjack shot you a mischievous grin, looking away as you carefully lowered her onto the couch. "No promises," she quipped, her voice tinged with mischief.
This isn't a funny note to end on. It's just concerning.
The verdict on this one: no vote.
And now, the final story.
When I was readying to read the last story, I happened to have been scrolled down on the page, so I saw some of the comments. I was curious about the context, so I decided to read them first and... this is a special disaster. Many of the comments already answered a lot of points that I would have wanted to make, and I would simply just suggest anyone read them anyway. They're better than the fic, which is here:
[Unpublished stories cannot be embedded]
Those downvotes aren't unwarranted, either. The author repeats all the same mistakes, including admitting that he bastardized the character and is extremely pretentious with the supposed disclaimer, just like with the Blackjack story. This could all be fixed if it was rewritten, and uh... the writer actually listened to anything in his comments.
This is... not just character bastardization, not just unexplained lesbian erasure, not just the usual bad writing... it's also...
...trying to fetishize vomit.
So, if you react accordingly to this story, the author will be into it and then post paragraphs denying it or trying to justify it... so... unfortunately, I can't really go into how this story makes me feel. And honestly, unlike the Japanese one, this doesn't have a prologue or any part that isn't disgusting... it's just vomit sex with all of the usual writing issues at the nth degree. It's all the worst moments of the main story distilled into something uniquely nasty. I'm on the fence about whether or not I would force someone I hated to read this or if that would be too far.
There isn't even a point in trying to fully read this because it's mostly just vomit. You'll just get sick or traumatized. But please, look at this comment, it sheds light on the enigma that was the title:
A user says:
I don't downvote for content. I downvote for using the title of a well-known story by William Gibson as your own, without any sort of attribution.
The author responds with:
It's a very stupid reason to downvote...I don't know if you're trying to stop me from feeling forced to delete your comment, but even if the story didn't have that name, you were still going to downvote, don't try to take me as an idiot. In addition to the fact that the title Mona Lisa Overdrive is taken from a Juno Reactor song that appears in The Matrix Reloaded movie, I mean, anyone is free to use the Mona Lisa title. I didn't even know Gibson's book existed before naming my story that way.
Andy here hasn't stopped at stealing art or characters... he's apparently willing to take titles from other media, admit to it, and then not credit it... for whatever reason. There is a huge difference between sharing titles or using the titles of something that inspires you as a homage... and whatever this behavior is, where there isn't any respect for the actual source material. If someone asked me if I named a story after a song that I didn't credit for whatever reason, it would be wrong of me to lie and say I didn't if I intentionally did so. Part of fan creation and remixing is not lying about this shit.
And the user who calls Andy out follows up with the same point:
This makes you both ignorant and use without attribution. You did not invent "Mona Lisa Overdrive". Reputable and honest writers give attribution to titles and sources they use. That applies to music, writing, or any form of creation.
Also, lazy. All you have to do is say "I used this title because I like it, the original creator is..."
Just... be honest. Simple as. Also, just like the last blog: multiple comments from both the author and other users were touched by Grammarly. This means that they're actually more coherent and correct than what was actually posted.
My closing thoughts are simple:
...okay, I'll be honest, it's more like this:
Don't do anything this author does. This collection of stories exists solely to see how much you can take before you simply give up. I would genuinely be surprised (and a bit apprehensive) if a worse Fallout: Equestria story exists outside of just... outright rape porn, I guess. As far as I'm concerned, this is the bottom of the barrel.
why would you do this to yourself. why would i subject myself to reading you subjecting yourself to this.
i think my favorite parts were the poorly equestrian-ized car names (because they have cars for whatever reason) mixed with very real and american firearm manufacturer names (because they just exist and are somehow usable? even as a unicorn, the design wouldnt even make sense…)
also the infatuation with Little Jacob/Badman from GTA IV is so out of left field. i get it, theyre both great characters, but this copy paste into a zebra in a mlp universe is so bizarre and hilariously bad
i strongly dislike this Andy person i think
If I hadn’t seen This Story and it’s comments before checking out your blogs, I would think that this fellow is incorrigible and possibly nutty all the time.
Now it seems that he is just not a person who likes following rules in his stories and tries to be particular in an unhealthy way whenever he wants. He probably isn’t really aware that the majority of the audience gets to decide whether a story is enjoyable or not and is mostly if not entirely correct. You need more knowledge to tell if it’s actually good but “enjoyable” is enough for plenty.
If he doesn’t even want that, then these “stories” are likely just outlets for filth if you ask me.
I think he already claimed to have personal issues, so whatever.
Feel sorry for you that you had to read through all that. That’s dedication pushed by the power of will.
I am amazed that so much wacky information and nonsense could be picked out of this.
Can you please stop disrespecting my shitpost alt?
This review was a fun read. Reminds me of the ones done by the old Rage Reviews group.
Someone took his time and read not only Mona Lisa Overdrive (minus the latest two chapters) but all of the side stories? Color me genuinely surprised.
I hope Andy continues the story and I hope he starts listening to critic and realizes not everyone who leaves a harsh comment wants to attack him. Because there are some good ideas but I feel the story is going to end up in the “so bad it's actually funny” category. And while I can enjoy a hilariously bad story I would rather see him produce something that is genuinely good.
Fun fact: Sniper Husky is probably named after Sniper Wolf, a character from Metal Gear Solid. And no she's neither French (she's Kurdish) nor a pedophile. Unless any of that was in a later game because the only one I played was MGS.
And another small detail: In German the plural of Pony is actually Ponys. So that's grammatically correct.
Holy cow