Updates and Status. · 4:38pm Jun 6th, 2024
Hello, all of you,
It's been a while since I've shown any real activity on here outside of a few comments here or there, which I doubt any of you may have seen. As far as my writing has gone, there's been next to nothing to show in terms of meaningful progress. There are reasons for that.
On the 29th of May, despite my best efforts to control the conditions that limits my symptoms, I was taken to the ER again. Nothing new, same seizures only with nothing to point to as far as a trigger bringing on the escalation of the severity. This came while dealing with two legal conflicts I'm running against, both thankfully with potentially favorable outcomes if all goes well, but there are no guarantees. To be clear, these are not criminal legal conflicts but issues dealing with an estate after my divorce (she's not coming after me; the issue is too complicated to dive into, and I'm not going into that here), and the other is my Medical Retirement.
However, prior to going into the ER, my concentration has been scattered. My own story, as I'm sure you know, has a lot of moving parts and a shit load of characters. Trying to keep it all together is something I couldn't manage and needed a break from to make sure it works, and that's on top of quality control which was slipping. However, post-release from the ER, headaches and pain in my arms from nerve damage have become harder to deal with. Even migraines are coming back.
All that being said, I've found some enjoyment in messing around with trying my hands (as fucked up as they are) with some video and audio editing. Also, just as a distraction, I started a little side project not related to CTTB that is unlike anything I've ever attempted before.
Then, in the midst of my recovery after coming home from the ER, my battle buddy hit me up with terrible news of death in his family. Of course, I was there for him and helped him get his shit together before he was able to set out to be with the rest of his family. We had a long heart-to-heart about what he was going through, how it affected him, and his difficulties processing it. In turn, I did what I could to support him and relate with my own losses over the years. To be fair, he'd been there for me for a few of my devastating moments, but I wasn't good with opening up at that time, and I was more open this go around. Keep in mind, at one point, when he tried to help me before, I put him to the wall and he split my nose open... then we continued drinking and admitted how fucked up we both were for not being able to handle our own shit... This was years ago, and we're still brothers. Functionally dysfunctional, but no family is perfect.
I don't know what all I'm doing. I have no focus or direction. I can't plan for anything that could dictate where my life will lead until maybe another six months to a year. Living arrangements, income, treatments, personal care, I'm floundering on my own most of the time with a few friendly voices checking in on me who all want to help but are limited to moral support. Believe me, that moral support does a lot, but I feel terrible each time they try to offer advice or ask what they can do when everything is so far outside of their scope of influence or pending on me, still waiting to find out what the results will be, to even have the chance for making changes, let alone accepting help.
So, I apologize for the freeze on anything new coming out. I know I won't be getting any flack for it since you all have been awesome, but it's still a shitty feeling that I'm stuck with. Sometimes, when I'm walking around my house, and my heart starts to palpitate or ache more because that's all it takes to set me off, I wonder how much the docs really don't know and if I'm just going to drop dead before I can sit down. Maybe never wake up the next time I close my eyes. Then, as dumb as it sounds, in comparison to facing one's mortality, I'm leaving so much of what was such a wonderful passion of mine unfinished, and that leaves me feeling even more depressed.
I'm not helping anyone, I'm not saving lives, I used to have this, and I'm failing at taking care of myself. I want to do better, and hopefully, soon, I'll be able to.
Thank you all again for your patience.
I hope that your life will start to improve during the next half of this year because holy jebus that sounds really really stressful.
Sorry to hear about your hardship, hope you and your buddy get better in the near future.
👍
To bad we don't have something like 'Dr. House' in real life.
Maybe they find something eventually when it's still of use.
I personally am rather inactiv myself, simply no time or other circumstances keeping me from editing written stuff and continue existing stuff.
I wish you the best of luck and a better health in time.
see you around in Fimfiction EmptyPlotFiller
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It's been a mixed bag of things getting better and worse. Some improvements here and opportunities opening up, and other things getting worse or getting drawn out. Regardless, I do have hope that most of what I need to have taken care of is headed on the right track and will improve.
Thanks for reaching out.
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It is what it is, and so much of it is what I've been dealing with already for years now. I hope you can find more free time, as we all need our outlets. And thanks as always, bud.