Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXVII · 9:24pm Mar 9th, 2023
This past week I’ve realized that I’m not quite up to my old writing enthusiasm. Why? One word: devotion.
Recently my productivity has skyrocketed, and that’s in no small part to nearly being done with a story. As fate would have it, the past week has also seen a leap in my workload for my real world job, particularly due to a new project that requires me to do things I’ve never done before and take on more of those god-awful meetings I’ve been able to mostly escape throughout my career. (Correction: Two projects, just had a new one added.) This matters, because in the past I would use my downtime to read and write, giving me a big leg up on both when I got back home. Now that leg-up is gone, and it will likely remain that way for so long as I have this project.
This shouldn’t be a problem. I should be able to continue my writing once I’m at home. And on some days I do. But on other days I get home, finish all my reading and my household chores, and find that I just don’t feel like it. If there’s anything I learned back in my early years of high productivity, it’s that you don’t let such a thing as “I don’t feel like it” get in the way. It has been lately.
Don’t be misled. On the days I do write I throw down enough material to still produce an average of more than 1,000 words/day right now. But it could be more, and I am acutely aware of that fact. I’m really happy with what I’m doing right now, and I want it to get better. Mayhap it will. We shall see if I can rediscover the willpower for it.
In other news, I’ve hit a milestone. As of this blog, I have officially reviewed stories from exactly 1,000 unique authors.
Okay, it’s not really 1,000 “unique” authors. I know for a fact that some of the usernames in my archives are alt accounts for other users in my archives. Heck, one of the stories I’m reviewing today is in an account that I am pretty sure is an alt for two separate users who teamed up so as to share credit for said story. Even so, 1,000 different user names have graced these blogs over the years. Seems like a big deal to me.
For those of you wondering, I’ve got nearly 2,500 reviews listed in my archives, so I’m averaging around 2-½ reviews per author.
Enough of my literary ramblings. On to the reviews.
Stories for This Week:
That Face by DeathToPonies
Could Care Less by Saint
Bubbles and Troubles by Flint-Lock
First Night by TCC56
An Advanced Lesson in Friendship by AndrewRogue
A Birthday Alone by Schattendrache
Pride Rock by RoyalRainbow
Filly Fantasy VI - The Return of Magic by The Wyld Stallynz
Cold by CrimsonWolf360
A Band of Misfit Losers Hunt the Undead by Rune Soldier Dan
Total Word Count: 594,137
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 5
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
That Face
1,027 Words
By DeathToPonies
Golden Oaks burned to the ground, Twilight wrote some letters, nothing makes sense.
This feels more like a crackfic than a horror. One letter Twilight’s talking about karma, another she’s talking about faces in the shadows, another she’s wondering what a TV is and how she came to get one, another she’s breaking Spike’s arm, another she’s plotting to overthrow Celestia, and none of it seems to be connected at all. Nothing can be taken at face value (pun not intended), including that ending.
DeathToPonies openly acknowledges that this was left vague and open-ended so that readers could form their own conclusions. Normally I have zero problem with this concept as it can be very effective under the right direction. But in this case? I think the author took it way too far. Any attempt to make sense of this one becomes little more than personal headcanon.
That being said, the theorist crowd will probably adore it. Somebody call MatPat.
There’s clearly an audience for this kind of story, as the rating shows, but it won’t be for everyone. It’s a hard story to rate. Do I punish the author for giving us no direction whatsoever and boasting about it, or do I acknowledge that there are some people who like not being given that direction? Neither option sits well with me for a variety of reasons. I suppose I shall take the safe route and give it the higher rating of the two, but with an asterisk in there because I’m still not confident it’s the right one to give.
Bookshelf: Worth It*
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Could Care Less
6,756 Words
By Saint
Two weeks ago, Canterlot High was the scene of a fatal school shooting. School is finally back in session. For Twilight Sparkle, the hardest part in all of this is dealing with the irrational.
You know something weird is going on when Rainbow Dash is the reasonable member of the group.
I acknowledge that reviewing this one is a dangerous prospect. It’s a story with an emphasis on how people deal with trauma, but the nature of the traumatic event means that some gun rights debating occurs by setting obligation. I’ll say first and foremost that I don’t believe Saint intended this story to serve as a discussion of gun rights, and therefore any discussion on the topic is moot for the purposes of discussing this story.
I might be wrong on that point, but that’s how I interpreted it, and that’s how I shall move forward.
The story ends up dividing the Human 7 into warring factions, most of which refuse to see eye-to-eye. On one side are the bleeding hearts and on the other are the rational folks. I doubt I need to tell you that Twilight falls into the latter category. The crux of the story is that Twilight isn’t traumatized by what’s happened, and that fact makes her irredeemable to most of her friends. Meanwhile we have Applejack, who is appropriately appalled by their behavior towards Twilight, and Rainbow Dash, who is the only one in the group trying to keep them from falling apart.
I read a lot of the comments and see a lot of people taking sides, but in my reading I don’t think Saint was trying to identify either side as “in the right”. Instead, the story appears to be centered on how the girls’ powerful, sometimes over-the-top opinions and refusal to back down or compromise on them destroys their friendship. It is, I think, an allusion regarding the political divide that is hyper-present in the modern world.
I find all of this laudable. I question if it was a challenge; gun control is a hot-button issue and I doubt Saint has no strong opinions towards it, so writing a story where neither side of the argument is present as the “right” side would be very hard. If Saint has any love of the art of storytelling, that challenge may have been the entire reason the story exists. I find no fault in this.
The only issue I have is that this story has to be accepted at face value. Certain elements of how the characters act feel forced, especially in regards to Princess Twilight, who somehow completely missed the fact that Sunset just came to her with a Friendship Problem and, worse, doesn’t seem to care regardless. Saint tries to justify this by claiming that the human and pony versions are perfectly identical copies of one another, but with the possible exception of Pinkie Pie that’s not really true, particularly for the Twilights. I’ll grant that these changes were made for the sake of the plot, but it’s still something readers are going to have to go along with.
Given the vote ratio and the comments for this story, I suspect a lot of readers are having great difficulty separating the point of the story from the differing opinions within it. A shame, because I think Saint did a good job with this one overall. It’s a balanced look at how different types of people react to horrible events, from one extreme to the other, and how those reactions divide us. One might even think of it as a cautionary tale. I imagine people will vehemently argue over who the warning is intended towards, but personally, I think it’s meant for everyone.
An interesting start, author. I wonder what else you have in store for us?
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Bubbles and Troubles
2,535 Words
By Flint-Lock
After getting into a petty argument with Applejack and taking it out on Apple Bloom, Big Mac heads outside to blow bubbles with Smarty Pants. It’s how he clears his head.
This was a curious one. The story proposes a few uncommon background concepts to the MLP universe. There’s the (presumably) monotheistic religion around a ‘Queen’ figure. There’s also the idea that mares in heat are ornery, apparently intended as a contrast between women and periods. Amidst these quirks lies a story about Big McIntosh facing a crisis of faith.
The background element of worldbuilding was a nice touch, but my favorite element by far was in Big Mac’s vocabulary. When he’s by himself and talking to Smarty Pants, he’s quite vocal, but as soon as his sisters re-enter the picture he’s right back to eeeyups and ennnopes. The context and what it means for his character is great.
The only catch is that the writing could use a touch-up. Repetitive or awkward lines are unfortunately common. Still, it’s not enough to harm the overall story much and the message remains loud and clear.
A pleasant little slice-of-life for everyone’ favorite farmstallion.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Composing a Dream — WHYRTY?
First Night
2,718 Words
By TCC56
Sleep is a myth. At least, it is for Bonbon. She spends her nights staring at the ceiling, subconsciousness convinced that she’ll need to spring into action at any second even two years after S.M.I.L.E. disbanded. When she does sleep, it’s to hideous nightmares, memories of the things she had witnessed on the job. This is why she could never, ever, not once, stay the night at Lyra’s. Until one night, against her better judgment, she does.
This is a story meant to explore the effect Bonbon’s old job had on her mind and her relationship with Lyra, and it does that very well. In a mere 2,700 words, TCC56 conveys the ongoing dread she faces, both in terms of her post-trauma and the possibility of having to expose that trauma to Lyra. The dream memory of coming face-to-skull with a foal-eating monster was especially effective.
There’s not much else to say. It’s a vivid and effectively written story about Bonbon finally taking a daring step in her relationship with Lyra. If that sounds appealing to you, then absolutely jump in. Even my long-running doubts regarding the whole S.M.I.L.E. backstory couldn’t dent my appreciation for this one.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Trixie Clause — Pretty Good
Bowl Cuts Are For Heroes — Pretty Good
An Advanced Lesson in Friendship
1,034 Words
By AndrewRogue
Starlight woke up this morning to find Trixie in her bed. Then she remembers why Trixie is in her bed.
Set immediately after the conclusion of Season 6, this is essentially Starlight suffering a panic attack because she got drunk and slept with Trixie. Trixie, for her part, is hurt that Starlight thinks this is a problem at all, much less one in need of fixing.
I like how Starlight’s first step in her Twilighting is to suggest using OP magic to solve the problem. I also like how Trixie’s third person dialogue shifts to first person when her emotions take hold. Very effective character awareness for the both of them.
Short and sweet. Perfect for any StarTrix (TrixLight?) fans out there.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Destiny Trap — WHYRTY?
Music After Midnight — Pretty Good
A Birthday Alone
3,006 Words
By Schattendrache
Sequel to Starlight, Trixie And The Cursed Manor
Once, a puca named Mossy befriended a colt. That colt moved away, but Mossy remains, alone and lonely in the woods near the manor. Today is his birthday.
Technically this is a prequel, but it was meant to be read after the original, hence the labeling.
This is one of those stories that doesn’t do much while doing a lot. On the one hand, it’s a puca. He lives in the woods. He remembers his best friend and feels painfully lonely. The end. On the other hand, the story goes out of its way to create a good deal of background for Mossy, revealing who he is, how he became friends with the colt, and their history together.
I get the impression Schattendrache wrote this story for two purposes: one, to satisfy an itch to be angsty, and two, to develop more lore surrounding Mossy, that one character who appeared in that one story. Probably more the latter than the former, and the former is probably only coming on so strongly because the pre-built scenario established by the prior story demands it.
The writing still could use some work. Schattendrache has a bad habit of saying more than is necessary with long sentences that get a little telly. I never found the story to be immersive, and I think that has a lot to do with the writing style. I also feel as though the first flashback came too early considering the situation. I also also find it extremely OP that Mossy can not only take on the form of other creatures but also perfectly copy their abilities. I don’t think even changelings can do that, although I admit I don’t recall any evidence for or against the idea.
Even so, this story is an improvement over its predecessor. At the very least, it’s not claiming to be something it isn’t. I also appreciate the attempt to flesh out a favorite character and do a bit of worldbuilding via species exploration. Both of these are welcome elements and Schattendrache handles them quite well, giving us a full picture of Mossy and his situation. Really, in terms of the story I don’t have much to complain about.
An improvement over its predecessor, but Schattendrache still has some kinks to work out.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Starlight, Trixie And The Cursed Manor — Needs Work
Pride Rock
12,691 Words
By RoyalRainbow
When Pinkie Pie casually declares Maud to be the “best big sister ever”, Limestone doesn’t take it well. Why can’t she be regarded that way? It dawns upon her that she might not be as close with her siblings as she’d like. To rectify this (and one-up Maud), she decides to participate in this year’s rock candy exchange, and she’s got her sights set on Marble as her partner.
As is so often the case, I really like what the author is trying to do here but have reservations regarding the method. We get to watch as Limestone both makes a genuine attempt to bond with Neo-Fluttershy Marble and tries to prove herself a better big sister than Maud. Unfortunately, trying to do both at the same time proves problematic.
I really like the interactions between Limestone and Marble and how the former constantly finds herself facing an inner conflict. She’s still a grumpy pony, albeit toned down a bit from the show. I handwave that as this being a much younger Limestone, as evidenced by Pinkie still not having moved off the farm. Despite her grouchiness and ulterior motives we see Limestone try to get her sister involved with the work and share a proper sisterly moment with her, which really helps to paint her in a kinder light. I also like how Marble keeps from talking beyond her usual affirmative/negative humming and yet Limestone is so in-tune with her that she knows exactly what Marble is thinking and how to respond every time.
Why is Limestone so able to read Marble and yet can’t grasp Maud at all? This happens regularly and it had me curious. Best guess: it was intended to showcase how Limestone is “in tune” with Marble in the same way that Pinkie is “in tune” with Maud. That’s what I hope it is at least, rather than the author making some kind of deductive brain fart.
The problem lies in the writing. For example, you will always know exactly how a character feels and why they feel obligated to respond in a certain way because RoyalRainbow will Tell you every single time. When they do decide to write out character actions they typically do so in a needlessly long and convoluted manner that hinders the pacing – such as the time they went on about the disparate expressions on three different ponies’ faces in response to the exact same stimulus.
Also, you are completely unaware of who Maud is and what she’s like. And because you’ve never seen an episode featuring Maud, RoyalRainbow will be sure to remind you every single time she speaks that her tone is dry and emotionless. Because you undoubtedly forgot this since the last twenty times you were reminded.
We also have incorrect verb tenses, incorrect verb possession (I think that’s the right way to describe it?), strange or nonsensical comma placement, and other quirky grammatical issues.
So, to summarize: Pride Rock is an interesting story starring the delightfully grumpy Limestone that is marred by a struggling writing style with questionable grammatical awareness. Were it not for how it was written this might have landed high on my bookshelves. It will likely work for someone looking to enjoy some Pie Sister friendshipping or a decent slice-of-life, but if how a story is written matters to you then it’ll be a tough sell.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Secrets We Keep to Ourselves — Needs Work
Filly Fantasy VI - The Return of Magic
444,777 Words
By The Wyld Stallynz
In a world where magic disappeared long ago, one nation seeks world domination. To accommodate that goal, the Empire seeks Espers, mythical creatures of immense power that disappeared along with magic one thousand years ago with the War of the Magi. Today, an Esper has been found in the frozen mining town of Neighshe. The Empire will stop at nothing to get it, and so they send a particular mare to retrieve it. In doing so, they’ll begin a chain of events that nopony in the world could have foreseen.
My 10-year-old self continues to insist that Final Fantasy VI is the best in the series, and that it demands a full modern remake far more than VII ever did. Given we live in an age of remakes and reboots, that may actually happen someday, but I’m not crossing my fingers. When I was a young teen I tried to write the story, but alas I was woefully ill-prepared for such a monumental task and I never bothered to try it again. When I saw this story, I had mixed feelings but hoped that maybe, just maybe, it would be the kind of story that would do the game justice.
Once again, I was woefully unprepared. This time that’s a good thing.
Let’s start with the most obvious question: is this a direct, 1-to-1 retelling of the original story with ponies? No. No, it absolutely isn’t. But it’s also not a complete deviation from it. The main story beats are all there; Terra’s cross-bred nature, castles that sink in the sand, a hidden world of magical beings, floating continents, poisoned castles, frustrating flying fiends that randomly attack airships when least expected or desired, global expeditions to find lost friends, attempted suicide, and yes, even an opera. It’s all there. It’s just not presented in the same ways.
This is going to go over the heads of all you poor souls who haven’t experienced this game firsthand, but to those in the know they’ll find a lot of differences, some of them huge. Every character from the original game gets a MLP replacement, but the overall protagonist roster is actually larger than the game’s. Some of the replacements are quirky. What do you mean Rarity, certifiably the one and only pony worthy to tackle the role of Celes, is instead portraying Shadow? Why is Applejack taking on the role of Edgar without the gadgets and Big Mac taking on the role of Sabine with gadgets when it would make infinitely more sense for Apple Bloom to be Edgar and Applejack to be Sabine? Let’s not even get started on the utter absurdity that Fluttershy is not taking on the role of Gau. Also, while I think Zecora was an excellent stand-in for General Leo, I have to wonder if the choice wasn’t made purely based on the presence of a mohawk.
And yet, somehow and beyond all my expectations, The Wyld Stallynz make it work. They make it all work magnificently.
So the first thing that fans of the game will have to accept going in is that while this follows all the main plot beats, it is not even close to a carbon copy of the story. Roles are modified in significant and unexpected ways and events that you anticipate may end differently. Take, for example, a point early in the game when Sabine gets separated from his friends and has to find his way back to them in Narsh. Now imagine that he doesn’t, but instead gets swept away to the Empire to perform an entirely different role. In the end things turn out the same, but how we get there is different.
Applejack still suplexes a train, though. Even The Wyld Stallynz knew fans would revolt without that.
For all its differences, we still wind up with a great story. The authors (for if I recall correctly this was a collaborative effort) manage to take what was given to us within the strict limitations of a Super Nintendo/Super Famicom console and expand upon it. Certain concepts that had to go by quickly in the old format are given time to settle and sink in. Events that feel rushed because of the narrow window of the game can now be properly explored and allowed to make more sense. Sometimes the details small and large in the plot have been changed, but those changes work together to make for a better whole.
The authors maintained the lore of Final Fantasy as a franchise and ensured Final Fantasy VI in particular was fully realized. The best example is the sidequests. What reason could the Returners possibly have to let themselves get sucked into a giant worm’s mouth? Why bother to take a detour to kill a bunch of dragons that are just minding their own business? Do we really want to take a break from saving the world to go fight in a colosseum for fun, or visit a long-buried castle, or explore some random cave in the Veldt? But to their immense credit, The Wyld Stallynz managed to not only fit every single sidequest – some of which I had forgotten about – into the story, they even managed to have them all make sense within the wider context. I was thoroughly impressed in this regard.
Better yet, The Wyld Stallynz never forgot that this is a FiM crossover, giving us a wide range of familiar faces to take on roles, many of them unexpected. Big hitters like Sombra, Chrysalis and Tirek show up alongside less renowned sights such as Gladmane, Zephyr Breeze and Mayor Mare. We’ve got Ember, we’ve got Snips and Snails, we’ve got Filthy Rich and Fancy Pants and Photo Finish. Hell, we’ve even got Steven Magnet! All recast in roles throughout the game that feel appropriate and effective.
There are a few oddities. For example, Fluttershy takes on the role of Strago without ever actually being Strago in even the most remote sense, and his Blue Magic is completely neglected. Also, Scootaloo manages to summon Quetzacotl, which is a summon from Final Fantasy VIII, not VI. Gilagmesh also makes an appearance, a curious choice since he technically never appeared in VI, his role instead being taken by a bootleg variant named Siegfried. There’s also the fact that the Espers almost all take on their in-game forms despite the fact that this is supposed to be a ponification (with the notable exception of Kirin which, appropriately, gets played by Autumn Blaze).
There’s also some quirkiness – dare I say sloppiness? – in the early writing. The Wyld Stallynz could have done with a proofer to check some things, because it does get distracting at times. It’s much worse at the beginning though, with the quality of the writing gradually improving until the worst issues are long gone by, say, a third through the story. And even then, the writing is good enough at the start that it shouldn’t harm the experience too much.
That said, the regular misstated phrases/words really bugged me. They’re so common I started making a list. Some highlowlights: “Rawcus” instead of “raucous”, “at display” instead of “on display”, “skewed” when they clearly meant “skewered”, “physic” in place of “physique”. And the abomination that is “whalla” instead of “voilà”; that one physically hurt to the point I had to jump in and correct the record, which is not something I usually do (they were good sports about it, thankfully).
Also, since when was Aria Blaze red?
But seriously, the issues are minor compared to the copious amount of approval I have for this story. It’s an ambitious and effective re-imagining of one of the best games in the franchise, taking what was given by Squaresoft (as SquareEnix was known back then) and creating something far more grand. Assuming they’re not looking for a carbon copy of the plot and can accept some quirky casting choices, fans of the original will love it. Having Trixie play the role of Celes was the first point to really throw me for a loop, but come the second half of the story the choice proved an excellent one and all my concerns had long been tossed out the window.
This is a story that effectively captures the spirit and essence of Final Fantasy VI while also doing some completely new things with it. It manages all of this without leaning on the game like a crutch, meaning readers who have never touched a single Final Fantasy game will be able to enjoy it as-is. Truly, it’s about as good a crossover as could be desired.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
I’mma just leave this here, if only because the first time I tried it I was perhaps overly excited.
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Cold
54,433 Words
By CrimsonWolf360
Requested by ChaseIsOnTheCase
Using Starswirl’s portal to the EqG world as a launching point, Princess Twilight Sparkle creates her own portal to another world. The possibilities are endless and she’s gleefully ready to start exploring! She thought she had set all the conditions perfectly, but when she steps inside… she finds a cold, dead world.
Inspired by My Little Dashie, this story opens with a human named Cooper discovering a lost, hungry, and dimension-hopping pony Twilight Sparkle in the outskirts of a frigid post-nuclear war Houston. The story follows the two of them as they work together to survive the frigid landscape and other humans.
Your first question might be: Wait, if Twilight got here via a portal, why can’t she just go back through it? Good question. Turns out she got attacked within seconds of entering the human world and blindly teleported herself to safety, with the caveat that she lost track of the portal’s location.
Your second, perfectly understandable question: If there’s a big purple portal to a land of milk and honey just sitting there in the middle of the street, why does nobody find it and make use of it, like the people who attacked Twilight at the start? To that, CrimsonWolf360 says “Shut up and stop asking questions.”
My immediate question is: Why does Twilight, who got a perfectly good look at her surroundings when she first went through the portal and thus knows for sure that it was in a suburb of some sort, feel like going to downtown Houston with its skyscrapers and the like in search of it?
Also, how did the villain survive a clearly lethal explosion and then apparently at random discover the portal that he somehow just knows belongs to Twilight and thus enters it with the intention of getting revenge? Also, points lost for using an over-stereotyped religious nut for a villain.
Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Point is, you’re going to have to accept some logical leaps in order to accept what’s going on at face value. But if you can, you might be able to enjoy the underlying purpose, i.e. naive pony Twilight and bitter survivalist Cooper trying to survive together in a winter wasteland.
And I’ll be honest, that core part of the story is good. Very good. Solid character growth, ever-dangerous situations, constant struggles. Cooper and Twilight make for an interesting duo to watch, and the horrors of surviving a post-nuclear city shrouded in winter are fully realized. If I were to judge the story on this alone it would be getting a Pretty Good rating for sure. For just being a thriller/adventure story starring everyone’s favorite egghead, it’s not bad at all.
Although I must emphasize that this is not a happy story. Every time things seem to be looking up, something comes along to shatter the illusion, and the predictable ending is bittersweet at best. For some people, this might be a boon, but for others it’s a big turnoff.
I’ll put this one on the middle ground. As much as I enjoyed the content that was the whole point of the story, the absurdities used by the author to make it all happen keep me from granting it top marks.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
A Band of Misfit Losers Hunt the Undead
65,173 Words
By Rune Soldier Dan
Sequel to Sunset Shimmer Hunts the Undead
And so we return to this, what has become one of my favorite series on the site. For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, the Hunts the Undead series is a comedy-action-drama combo in which the faculty of Canterlot High are all monster hunters while Sunset and her friends join in on the fun. It combines supernatural activities with family dramatics through a lens of everlasting quirkiness, relationship growth, and silver bullets.
This final entry isn’t a story unto itself but rather an anthology of somewhat unrelated events. Said events include, in no particular order: Celestia being evil-lite, supernatural creature’s rights activists, Rarity getting kidnapped for sport, Applejack trying to figure out her place in a love triangle with Adagio and Sunset Shimmer, R-rated movies in Equestria, Wallflower Blush being forced to grow up, Terminator Harshwhinney, the Alicorn Amulet in the right hands, Adagio rediscovering the joys of her art, and cat-sized kirin who love to be cuddled.
If I haven’t sold you on this yet, I question if you have a soul.
I kid, I kid. Mostly. I know all of that sounds crazy, and it is, but what makes it the most interesting is how Rune Soldier Dan seamlessly blends that crazy with the ongoing everyday lives of the protagonists. This part is delightfully relatable and every bit as interesting as the monster hunting. It’s hard not to like and root for these characters (Adagio was my personal favorite).
This is the end of the series, which is a shame because I could read about these characters forever. Still, I’m glad I came. It never stopped being fun, possessing a perfect combination of silliness and seriousness and sometimes even handing out some genuine feels. True, you’d have to read the prior stories to grasp it all, but that’s definitely a plus.
I can think of no downsides. Give this a go. All of it.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
To Try For the Sun — WHYRTY?
Sunset Shimmer Hunts the Undead — WHYRTY?
The First Flame — Pretty Good
Wayward Sun — Pretty Good
Principal Celestia Hunts the Undead — Pretty Good
Bonus Review: A Fractured Song - A New Chorus
86,624 Words
By Vincent Yam (AKA vren55)
Sequel to A Fractured Song: The Broken Melody
In the magical world of Durannon, Frances is a hero. She’s survived battles, befriended enemies, and even saved her teacher Edana from certain death. Yet Frances doesn’t feel like a hero. She feels like the fifteen year old girl she is, still struggling to understand her new place in life and escape the traumas of her past. But the war goes ever on, and there’s no time to rest. Luckily, this time she won’t be on her own.
The Fractured Song series features a child who came from an extremely abusive family only to find herself in a fantasy world. In the prior book she became an apprentice mage under Edana and helped in a war effort against the fae-folk, a war that was ongoing when the story ended. The story was heavily focused on Frances’s mental state, particularly her gradual and painful recovery from the abuse she suffered in her old life. This was both the dominant point and highlight of the story, making Frances a girl easy to sympathize with and root for.
In this story, Frances is joined by fellow Otherworlder Kim Hae-Won – or Elizabeth as everyone knows her – and local nobleman Martin of Conthwaite, both assigned as Frances’ personal guard for the upcoming fighting. The story follows their growing friendship as they work together to survive the battlefield.
Introducing these characters is a big boon, because now there’s more to observe than just Frances and her growth. That growth is still the primary point and highlight of the story though. Things get especially interesting when Frances is forced to once again spend time with her former classmates of Earth, fellow soldiers and mages called to battle. Given her role as the school freak, it produces some great social dynamics, especially in regards to her former bullies.
This story has a lot going for it. Intense conflicts, Frances’s ongoing psychological drama, budding friendships and an undertone of growing romantic interest for an ever-unwitting Frances. Frances herself remains the highlight of the story with her ever-developing personal dramas. Add in some more worldbuilding for Durannon and a hidden class conflict that comes to light in the latter part of the story and there’s never a dull moment.
If I had to point out anything that might be a downside, it’s that I’d like to see more conflict for Martin and Elizabeth. Okay, so Martin’s family home comes under attack. Fair enough. But the issue is simple at best; there’s a battle going on, he needs to fight it and win. Oh, sure, the battle is interesting, but it doesn’t really do anything to advance his character beyond the fact that he loves his home and family. Then there’s Elizabeth, who doesn’t have any conflicts of her own to speak of beyond needing to support Frances and Martin. Which is fine, but it doesn’t really evolve her character much.
Compare this to Frances’s master, Edana. This woman has practically zero presence in the story, and yet when she does appear near the climax she does, in fact, have a moment of real character development. Thus are her few moments in the limelight interesting. I’d like to see more of that for Martin and Elizabeth.
That’s it. That’s all I have as far as issues go. Overall, this is a great expansion of the A Fractured Song series. Watching Frances gradually evolve, make friends, and come to terms with her role is a treat. I’m looking forward to seeing where it goes from here.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Stories for Next Week:
A Long Night by Idylia
Rarity, I'm Pretty Sure You're Dead. by Jest
Second Flesh by Caligari87
Wings and Sunflowers by hehelover
Time-Out by Trick Question
Dream A Dream by TCC56
A Moment in the Snow by Vertigo-01
Rarity's a Sociopath by leeroy_gIBZ
In Her Own Way by BlueColton
Love Needs No Reason by Evowizard25
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Dead on target, then.
And let's see if I can get a fourth Pretty Good in a row.
I can't say I'm ever likely to give that 440+K doorstop Final Fantasy VI crossover/reworking into Pony a go (not least because I've never played the game, though I do plan on doing so at some point – got it sitting there on the SNES Classic, after all
). But I do like hearing such a thing is strong, not least because such mammoth fanfic ambitions, crossovers or not, tend to fail far more often the they succeed. Or, well, flatline, anyway, off all the ambition the author is near-invariably not remotely equipped to pull off. Still, a stopped clock is right twice a day, and this is proof.
Rune Soldier Dan's series is at least somewhat more likely to penetrate my defences – statements like "has become one of my favourite series on the site" make a ghost lean up and pay attention – and he's an author whose work I've always liked and found impressive whenever I've read it. Even this being an EqG story is something I'm willing to roll with to at least see what it's like. I see the first one is 91K long, which… hm. Not nearly small enough to dip into, but not so big I'll never get to it. I'll bear it in mind, anyway.
Also: TCC56 for two consecutive weeks between today and a fortnight's time, slipped in at the end there? Paul, you sly dog.
Years ago, before the story had even finished, I saw a notification that you had put this in your list of potential stories to review. Since that day, as I was writing things out, I wondered what you'd think once we were finished. Now here we are and I'm immensely relieved that we lived up to some high expectations. I hoped for the best and prepared for the worst.
You are correct that this was a collaboration between two authors: Magical Trevor and RTStephens. Trevor came up with the original concept and wrote a few chapters before I stepped in and offered to finish it (I was a proof-reader at the time). It's why the writing style changes shortly in. Trevor stayed on as a consultant and proof-reader.
Throughout the writing process, Trev and I fretted if the changes we made to the story would win over readers or turn them away. FFVI is a very well-beloved game (my personal favorite of all time, not just in terms of Final Fantasy), so adapting it was an emotional undertaking from all sides. Going by what our commenters were saying, it seemed we were on the right track. There are plenty of things I would change if I were to write it today (such as the Yaks being the citizens of Narshe), but I'm still pleased with how things turned out.
And yeah, there are a couple of stumbling blocks. Your comment about Quetzacotl in particular is one of those things where Trev and I were going through the list of summons and didn't like what was left. We essentially threw up our hands and just went with it. Amusingly, in the Pixel Remaster, Palidor is renamed Quetzacotl, so we ended up getting it right with at least one version!
Speaking of, the Pixel Remaster came out too late in our production to have much influence on the writing. I mostly went by the Ted Woolsey translation. That one has a lot of errors in it, but it's the one I'm most familiar with. In a way, that translation allowed us to fill in some gaps in the original plot or expand on ideas that were glossed over.
Our justification for Fluttershy was that she was good with animals in the show while Strago had a lot of "Lore" on monsters from being a hunter in his youth. Tenuous, but we had a cast to fill out. We dropped the Blue Magic thing because we couldn't figure out a reasonable way to include it.
Keeping the espers mostly as they appeared in the game is, well, bias. I just like how they look, okay?!
Originally, Rarity was suppose to play Celes. But, as we planned out things that would be happening later on, she just didn't fit the role. We feel she got plenty to do in the role she ended up in.
Juggling the later half of the game was a bit nerve wracking. Unlike the first half, where it's mostly the plot directing the characters, the second half leaves it up to the player to decide what to do. Trying to get the characters where we needed them to go took some brainstorming and even then I worried that it wasn't going to make sense. I'm glad to hear we accomplished that.
And yeah, sometimes I was trying to be too cute with the word choices, which lead to the wording you pointed out. I swear I've combed through this whole thing multiple times but still find typos and odd phrasing to fix.
Your review has put a delightful caper on this journey. To get such nice comments while also acknowledging its faults is the best way I can think of to finish things off.
Thank you for taking the time to read and review!
Thank you for the positive reviews and attention. I am very happy to have entertained, and very flattered to have earned such praise.
I, too, am sad to leave them all behind. Maybe one day I'll return for "Sunny Starscout Hunts the Undead," but after 5-ish years with this being my only longfic it was time to give air to other ideas.
Thanks for coming along with me on this.
Haven't read Rune Soldier Dan's one, and likely won't, given the investment in reading all the lead-up material, but I don't doubt it's that good. I'm always a little surprised he has as many followers as he does just because I never have a sense he's that well-known, but I'm glad he does, as he certainly deserves it. One of the most consistently good authors around.
I've read "Bubbles and Troubles," and I similarly thought it created a good atmosphere. I'm not sure I noticed how Big Mac's speech patterns changed when he wasn't alone. I just felt there was a disconnect. He refers to a vicious argument, but what we actually see is pretty tame, and there are no hints it was any worse than that. And then the tension between them just dissipates without them actually resolving anything. Both undercut the sense that there was ever a problem to start with. It's one of those stories where I feel like it's got some holes in the premise but does a good job exploring what it's got.
*cough* I'm just gonna leave this here...
Ironically I'd never heard of the story until my romhack was released. XD
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BIG thanks to Drakey here, who came in on the later half to help with proofing and editing. If it weren't for him, the Gilgamesh section would have been a disaster.
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Anything involving Gilgamesh is a disaster ;p
It was an honor to chip in, you guys created a fantastic epic.
Thanks for the review, it was fun to write, although I still haven't decided what to write for a second story. I don't usually read shorter stories on this site and prefer the longer fics, so I keep alternating between wanting to write some long, epic story or just giving up and writing another story with some (relatively) dumb/strange premise.
Honestly, the review makes Filly Fantasy seem like a good read. Problem is, it didn't like the game enough to actually finish it.
If they'd written a pony version of, say, Chrono Trigger instead, then I would have been on board 100%.
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derpicdn.net/img/2016/5/7/1148591/full.gif
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Someone did. Unfortunately, it's not finished and doesn't look like it ever will be. Here it is in case you want to check it out anyways.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/2442/my-little-chrono-triggers-are-magic
Edit: Whoops! Sorry, looks like you already knew since I saw your comments there.
Interesting reading as ever from you; thanks! Not the most personally appealing slate of stories this time, though I'm kind of semi-tempted to read Could Care Less to see whether the author has pulled off the trick (which in my experience many, if not most, fail) of making that subject work for us non-American readers. A 440k-word crossover with a game I've never played is right out, even if it is great. If the ...Hunts the Undead fic were by most authors that would also be out, but I've had good experiences with Rune Soldier Dan's stories so never say never. TCC56's one-shot is probably the one that appeals most to me this time, especially after reading your thoughts today.
As for next week... I don't think I've read any of those. I don't even know most of the authors. Looking forward to finding out!
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I had First Night on my waitlist shortly after it released, and was fine with leaving it at that. But then you went and reviewed Dream A Dream, which was what alerted me to its existence at all, and I was like "Man, I wanna read that. But I already got a TCC56 story on my waitlist!" I didn't want to remove the prior story, but I also didn't want to wait forever for the new one. So I caved and added them both, figuring it would be okay so long as I didn't put them in the same blog.
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Something I kind of knew, as clearly you got Dream A Dream from me. Yet didn’t put two and two together on consciously. 
Ah. So it’s on me then.
I am kidding, if it wasn’t clear; even I have broken my own self-imposed “leave a month in between an author’s repeat appearances” rule at times. Certainly not gonna object about an author that reliable either!
Besides, now that you only do fortnightly review blogs, it’s not really repeating anyway.
especially as First Night was in the first half of this week, and Dream A Dream‘a in the second half of next week, that means on the old weekly system, there’d be a three week gap between them. 
Numbers and schedules do check out good sometimes, don’t they?
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I did note the Quetzacotl change. I played the now-defunct, pre-Pixel Remaster version on Steam last year and noticed the name, They kept the old graphics though, didn't they?
I don't think that tenuous connection between Fluttershy and Strago was ever noted in-story, as in Fluttershy never displayed any affinity for animals in the story that I can recall, with the notable exception of the malboro (great moment, BTW). Maybe if she'd had a chance to do stuff like that, perhaps in a bonding moment with Derpy? It would have been a little redundant to Derpy's abilities though.
I don't think you would have known about him at the time of writing, but now I think perhaps Grandpa Pear could have subbed in for Strago, assuming Apple Bloom remained in place at Thamaresa? Not much to connect to Blue Magic there, but hey, we're redefining the characters anyway and we don't really know that much about him in the first place.
I still think AB would have been better suited as Edgar, if only on account of how the fandom has already assigned her a potential future in engineering. Although I acknowledge that leaves Big Mac out, it's not like he's obligated to take on a protagonist role.
I don't get why Rarity didn't fit the job of Celes in the second half, but then I wasn't the one brainstorming things so I've no idea what hurdles you imagined her being unable to surpass character-wise. Of course, to suggest that Rarity isn't able to surpass any particular hurdle of any particular kind shows a distressing lack of confidence in Best Pony.
I'm curious as to why you invented the role of Spotter. He worked fine and all, but discovering that Cyan's son survives the poisoning, thereby taking away a critical part of his character? I suppose only having the wife die still retains the basis of it, and Spotter was certainly an asset from start to finish, but I am curious as to why the decision was made at all.
Also, I neglected to point this out in my review, but was it really necessary to have the characters shout out the name of their moves before they used them? I've always been of the firm view that if you're writing a story based on a video game the last thing you should do is make it clear that your story is based on a video game, and you couldn't have made it more transparent if you'd had a character walking around whose sole role was to wear a sign that says "This is a video game!" It's also tactically ignorant; let's tell the opponent exactly what we're going to do before we do it! Every time I saw Applejack shout out "Aurabolt!" or a mage declare the name of their spell I died a little inside.
...and this is the part where I tactfully ignore the suplexed train in the forest. I shall whistle innocently to better sell the effect.
Anyway, despite the issues, I still thought it was as good a go at writing out the FFVI story as one could hope for, with or without the ponification. I tip my hat to you good sirs for giving us such a gem.
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I thought the argument was quite fierce. But I also felt it was overblown, i.e. that Big Mac and Applejack were getting way too upset over such a simple subject. What helped me out through that was remembering all the petty fights I'd get into with my own siblings over similarly dumb things – like whose turn it was to do the dishes. And I also distinctly recall my siblings, particularly myself and my sister, making up after the fact without addressing the underlying issue. In short, I have experienced exactly what AJ and Big Mac are going through, so it resonated with me a good bit.
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Now I kinda-sorta wish I hadn't just played through the game for my achievement run a short while ago. Still, it's good to know these exist for my inevitable next playthrough.
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Chrono Trigger is indeed awesome. I've only played it once but would like to do so again.
A pity you lack the good sense to enjoy VI, but everyone's entitled to their incorrect opinions.
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Which part are you saying authors fail at, the gun rights part or the "allusion for opinions ending friendships" part? Because it's the latter that really matters in this case.
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The former. "Fail" was not really a fair word for me to use as it's more a me problem than one with the fic or its author. My problem with pretty much any story on this topic is that said topic is, well, not a hot-button issue in this country and so the reader won't have the real-world background that an even vaguely well-informed American reader will. The very notion of there being serious disagreement on the subject among a bunch of high school students is itself alien to me. As such, a story that uses it -- even if, as this one seems to be, it's well written and fair-minded -- has a significant additional hurdle to clear. Even if, as you say and I entirely accept, it's the allusion that's the key thing. I think I should read the fic, though, since only then can I reasonably comment on it.
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The Pixel Remaster graphics use the same sprite designs, but they are more detailed. The biggest thing FFVI PR offers is the fully orchestrated music. It's breathtaking. Worth another playthrough just to hear the soundtrack alone.
To answer your other questions, I'll have to pull the curtain back a bit. I didn't get involved in the project until around when Trevor reached Figaro. By that time, he had already made his decisions on who would be cast where. What's more, he had started this before season two had aired, limiting the characters he could pick for each role. Many of the reasons why are lost, as a lot of this was discussed over instant messages over ten years ago by now. I think Rarity's place was inspired by WandererD's story, The Empty Room, as Trevor talked a lot with Wanderer back in those days. You'd have to ask Trev, though. And, given that Trixie was and still is my favorite, it wasn't a hard sell for me to keep her in Celes' role.
As I said in the The Wyld Stallynz comment below, if I were to write this story now, with nine full seasons to pull from and plenty of hindsight, a lot of the cast would be different.
Spotter was one of those cases where Trevor asked, "What if we didn't let Owain die? That would change things up!" We were worried that readers would accuse us of writing a "walkthrough" and so we looked for opportunities like that to differ from the source material. Trevor reasoned that Spotter could be the groups' living Scan spell, pointing out weaknesses when needed. I would find more ways to utilize him as we went on. And this was years before Flurry Heart was even a thing.
And I agree about the moves being shouted out thing. Once I became aware that I was doing it, I tried to limit that sort of thing to just the big event spells/moves. But, I'm the sort of guy that has a certain fondness for that sort of silliness, so it didn't bother me too much.
I don't know if you pay attention to chapter titles, but the chapter we did the thing to the thing contains the word meme.
Thanks again for your thoughts on this! It really was a massive relief to me that you liked it.
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I did not consider that he was taking the concept of Rarity from her early-season iterations. That being the case, I can certainly see why you wouldn't be aware of her perfection in the role of Celes yet. I suppose I can forgive that. Begrudgingly. I can't deny that Trixie played the role well.
That's a decent enough excuse for Spotter. I was expecting something along the lines of "we didn't want to write about a foal being murdered", which would have been a terrible excuse. No, wanting to shake things up a bit is a much better reason. Not wanting to write a glorified walkthrough is also a solid explanation.
I do indeed pay attention to chapter titles. More than most people realize, as I almost never comment on them. So yeah, I noticed.
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Don't let that stop you, my mod is very different from the vanilla ;)
Long story gets long review.
As it may surprise you, I just finished reading Filly Fantasy VI. And... it was okay.
That said, it needs a lot of qualifiers. One: I didn't fully read it (I didn't exactly have a choice). I did read the first few chapters in detail, then I skimmed the rest, usually 2-3 chapters a day, whatever I could get through in an hour or so.
The good:
The plot is satisfactorily epic. There was very little of it that felt tangential or extraneous. And really, this is probably the biggest factor in whether someone likes the story or not, unless, say, the writing is so bad to make it unreadable. There's good imagination here, (mostly) good characterization, and the action is (mostly) handled well. It's going to look like there are a lot more negatives than positives, but again, this aspect of the story would have to be weighted much higher than any other. It's also a very broad thing here, whereas the negatives are more detailed things, so it takes a lot more of them to add up to this one positive.
The bad:
As much as I did like the plot, I still think it's going to hold a lot more appeal to someone who played and enjoyed the game. To a degree, that's to be expected. Such a person is much more likely to have this story catch their eye, but ideally, a crossover would be written so it's accessible to anyone. I never felt like there were things I didn't get at all, but there were numerous times I felt like I was missing some context. Like the "aha" moment you get when you recognize which game character a pony is supposed to represent, for instance. That all went over my head. I quickly caught on that gil was a monetary unit, but the story just assumes you know that, and it confused me the first couple times I saw it.
In places , it's heavy on game mechanics that don't necessarily make for good storytelling, possibly also because of the context issue I just mentioned. Examples of this would be:
- the mini boss fights on the way to the teleportation pads just before the final meet-up and confrontation with Discord. They were rushed and anticlimactic, and they felt there more to have something for the characters to do than to accomplish anything for the story. But I'm guessing they're modeled after similar battles in the game.
- the fight against the Pillars also feels anticlimactic. Half of them do put up a good fight, but Somnambula and Mistmane barely do anything. Rockhoof, after getting a name drop at the beginning, doesn't get mentioned again until the end, after he quite literally stands still doing nothing the entire time then surrenders.
- the various gems Spike got from the dragons. It didn't seem like it took that much to earn them, and I felt the lore behind them was severely lacking. Are they something like Pokemon gym badges, where they're in endless supply and given out to anyone who earns them? Or are they rare treasures, maybe unique ones? Do the dragons lose anything by giving them up? It didn't seem like their powers diminished any. The whole system lacked gravity unless, presumably, you know all those things going in, since the story doesn't give them to you.
Some characters felt wedged into their roles and never demonstrated their canon personalities at all, making me wonder why they needed to be included. Flim and Flam were like this in their first couple appearances, Limestone was almost always unlike her canon self, and Snips and Snails in the opening chapter might as well have been OCs, for all they didn't act even remotely like the characters we know from MLP. Cranky and Coco were also more set pieces who displayed little personality.
Mechanically, there were numerous pervasive problems. Constant homophone confusion, constant dangling modifiers, lots of close repetition. Typos frequent enough that I can't believe anyone made an editing pass. Some keep going back and forth, too: led, whoa, shone, and y'all were occasionally spelled correctly but most often appeared as lead, woah, shown, and ya'll. That's a little harder to forgive, since the author clearly knows the right form, than ones where they only get it wrong, like this story always using the phrase "suppose to be" instead of "supposed to be."
It takes a brave soul to give Zecora much dialogue, and indeed, what's here starts out using some questionable rhymes and no sense of rhythm. The rhymes do improve as the story goes on, but the rhythm really doesn't. Luna is even worse. The author knows little about writing archaic speech, and the vast majority of what's here is wrong. Fortunately, there are only two chapters where she speaks much.
The biggest thing for me, though was stylistic. The author doesn't know the difference between omniscient and limited narration. It's mostly omniscient, but it freely and randomly shifts into limited. It may last a single sentence, it may go on for a paragraph, it may extend over an entire scene, and it may shift between multiple characters in a scene. It's jarring and leads to confusion over which characters can know which things. Keep in mind I was only skimming, and I have 78 places in my notes where I said something to the effect of "this breaks from omniscient narration." It also constantly tells, noting that a sigh is "of relief" or a grumble is "of frustration."
Overall, as I said, the plot does enough things right to cancel out a lot of things the writing does wrong, and I'd rate it a net positive. On your scale, I'd probably place it as a borderline Worth It/Pretty Good, but it's the kind of thing I bet a big fan of the game would get a lot more out of.
So... another data point for you, 5717412
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I'd say that's all fair. Really, I have nothing to counter, and you pointed out some things I either missed or simply forgot because there was so much to address.
I will note my agreement to the dragons issue. In the game, the dragons are just a bunch of optional bosses with no plot element whatsoever (they don't even have dialogue) that give out nice loot once defeated and, in certain versions, lead to the game's superboss, the Kaiser Dragon. The whole "collect gems" thing? Yeah, that's unique to Filly Fantasy VI, and was probably included specifically as a plot tool to have a reason for the dragon bosses and Kaiser to be there at all. Which was good enough for me as a fan of the game, but I can definitely see the downsides.
Also wholeheartedly agree on how some characters were clearly not themselves. I did notice the issue with Snips and Snails and kind of wondered why the authors chose to include them in that role of all things, but I'd forgotten all about them by the time I finished. Limestone was also a notable presence for this issue.
All that being said, I am genuinely surprised you actually read it. Seriously. I never expected that.
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Hm, glad to have to context about the dragons. That does up my opinion of the story a little, given that the author made a very plot-relevant thing out of something that's completely extraneous in the game.
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Thank you for giving your thoughts, especially for a story you probably wouldn't normally read. It's enlightening to see someone read this that has little to no knowledge of the game. I kinda wish I had gotten more feedback like this in the early goings so that I could try fixing things up more.
I have no excuse for Zecora and Luna. I knew I'd botch them up and dreaded writing for them.
As Paul pointed out, the dragons were a sidequest that I ended up expanding on. The gems replaced a dance mechanic from the game.
Adapting this was an ordeal, and there were a lot of things Trevor and I wanted to include that just didn't work out. Believe it or not, there were quite a few things we trimmed down or completely left out. Such are the pitfalls of trying to rework a story with characters from a completely different franchise. Many of our readers enjoyed speculating on who would end up playing who, so we did manage to find our audience.
I'm still glad we were able to squeak out a passing grade!