Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXV · 9:11pm Feb 9th, 2023
Let’s start off with how appreciative I am regarding the response to that last blog. I was very concerned about how it might come off, but the reception disproved those fears. My apologies for not responding to anyone over it; I didn’t want to turn it into a long drama fest or debate. I was only trying to get the topic off my chest. Still, I greatly appreciate all the opinions everyone offered up.
In other news, Cutie Mark Chronicles: Limestone Pie went over very well. It was a lot of fun to write; tsundere characters always are, but a tsundere foal? I enjoyed every second of it. I must once again offer thanks to my pre-readers, as they caught a lot of things I missed in the first draft. Fun fact: I decided to call it “Cutie Mark Chronicles” not just as a link to the episode, but also because I figured if I ever wanted to do more cutie mark stories I could make it into a series. That’s not me saying “more coming”, I’m just leaving the possibility open.
In other great news, I have been unusually productive since the year started. Because of my poor ability to keep up with my scheduling in the last four years, I decided to give this one a low daily wordcount target of 1,000… a target I failed to achieve in 2022 or 2021. So far in 2023 I’ve well exceeded that target. It’s the first time I’ve managed to do so continuously in a long time, and it feels good. Hopefully I can keep it up and get some more projects completed. I’m working on a lot of projects simultaneously and that’s slowing things down, but with this new push in productivity I’m starting to see some lights at the ends of some tunnels.
I better get to that. Here, have some reviews in the meantime.
Stories for This Week:
Twilight Takes a DNA Test by Dewdrops on the Grass
Lingering Touch by Spyder27
A Close Call by Jamin P Rose
Inspiration Aftermath by paleowriter
Loqui Veritatem In Caritate by Gay For Gadot
Running Late in Manehatten by Autumnschild
Displacement by hornethead
Devil May Care by horizon
Slaves to Darkness: A Bridle Path story by Penalt
Sunset's Leather Jacket by Tennis Match Fan
Total Word Count: 294,441
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 5
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
Twilight Takes a DNA Test
2,379 Words
By Dewdrops on the Grass
Twilight, only three weeks into her rule over Equestria, gets the results of a DNA test she commissioned for herself. They aren’t what she imagined.
See that cover art? While it doesn’t happen often, I consider it one of my biggest plot-oriented pet peeves. There are people out there who insist that this five-second moment, clearly made as a visual gag and nothing more, is somehow a canon element that demands an explanation. I think the worst one I ever encountered was an insistence that it was related to an ancient unicorn combat technique. It was monumentally dumb. It always is.
Or… almost always. I must give kudos to Dewdrops, because this is the one and only time I’ve seen someone give an explanation for why this may be canon that isn’t stupid to the nth degree. For that reason alone, I have to give this story a high mark.
There are only two things that bug me. The first is Twilight’s reaction. Okay, so she just learned she’s not 100% gen-you-wine Equestrian pony. Why is she pissed off about this? No, seriously, what reason could she possibly have to be so explosively furious about this factoid? It’s not like it changes anything. I can understand wanting answers, but not going nutty like this.
Second – and this is a minor issue that won’t affect my rating – is the how of it. There’s a story here, and like Twilight I would very much like to hear it.
This one is a little ridiculous, mostly due to Twilight’s behavior and the ever-anxious DNA expert she’s talking to. As long as you’re willing to accept that – and let’s face it, nearly all of you are – then you’ll find this entertaining. I’m going to rate it well just for the sake of chi-explosion Twilight being explained in a way that doesn’t make me want to violently introduce my forehead to my desk.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Lingering Touch
2,832 Words
By Spyder27
Sunset Shimmer wastes away in her house.
This is one of those “oh, woe is me” stories that spends the vast majority of its time waxing on and on about how terrible the protagonist feels. Which… okay, sure, I get that some people want to write and read about that stuff. I remember going through my own “gloom and doom” phase (which, thankfully, occurred before I joined this site). But once you’ve read one of these, you’ve read them all.
Spyder tries to be vividly descriptive, and I suppose they do a decent enough job of it. I noticed a few oddities in the style, perhaps a tense shift here and there. The biggest problem for me – a recurring pet peeve – is the repetition. I can’t tell if Spyder27 was trying to use the same words and phrases over again to be meaningful or they legit didn’t notice they were doing it. If the former they’re doing it wrong and/or too often, if the latter then they need to work on that because it’s an eyesore.
Then there’s the ending, where the presence and words of a single person from a single encounter is enough for Sunset to decide it’s time to turn her life around, as if she wasn’t just in the deepest funk that a pony ever did funk. I’ll grant it’s not a complete 180, but the turnabout is so much and happens so quickly that I question if Sunset is suffering from some emotional disorder. Normal people don’t go from “Life is misery so why even bother?” to “Maybe I can turn this around.” at the drop of a Stetson.
All that being said, there are some elements worth praising in this story. I like the allusion to events throughout the first half, the occasional hinting of what happened that put Sunset in her depressive state. I appreciate the attempts at visual comparisons to relate the past and present, and the continuous use of scenery to emphasize both Sunset’s mentality and how long these events have been going on. There are some worthwhile ideas in here, Syder27 simply hasn’t displayed the… I’ll go with “critical experience” to polish them yet.
A bit of a dud for me, but not without its merits. Perhaps I shall read more material by this author, preferably one with a lighter mood.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
A Close Call
1,271 Words
By Jamin P Rose
A pair of Crusaders are working to clear a path for a mango orchard when they come across a hydra. It’s not the beast that they need to be afraid of, though.
Jamin P Rose doesn’t bother to explain either in the story or its description, but this is almost certainly a Fallout: Equestria story. More specifically, it relates to Fallout: Equestria - Project Horizons, which I believe is the one that originated the concept of the post-fallout Crusaders. But this is all background, as this story is not directly linked to those in any way besides setting. I think it’s related to another story belonging to this author, maybe Lightning Fall, but again, Jamin P Rose seems unwilling to directly tell us such things.
This is unfortunate all around, because there’s no context for a new reader to get situated into. The story is extremely brief, we have no idea who the characters are, and we’ve no reason to care about anything that is happening beyond the surface level. It’s not a practice of vivid narration or scenery porn because the writing isn’t anywhere near descriptive enough, rather being direct to the point of Telly.
And what, exactly, is the story about? Umm… nothing? Two Crusaders (clearly still foals) are out cutting a path through a swamp, a hydra shows up, there’s this badass unicorn nearby, they go home and tell everyone, story over. No lessons are learned. No reveals are offered. No themes are apparent. It’s just a series of events with no greater purpose behind them set in a world that the readers know nothing about.
It’s not the most riveting read. I was more confused than anything. This apparently exists solely for the sake of being a One Shot-ober entry, so it stands to reason that the quality is going to be a bit lacking. Maybe if I had started reading any other story by this author I might have gotten more out of it. I do intend to give them another chance., but this one just didn’t work for me.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Inspiration Aftermath
1,101 Words
By paleowriter
Rarity reflects on her failures after the events of Inspiration Manifestation.
Before he abandoned the site, paleowriter was a Sparity aficionado. How curious, then, that this story is not a shipping story. It’s as straightforward as can be: Rarity feels guilty about what she did during the episode, reflects on how good a friend Spike is, and conceives an idea on how to repay him for that. It was an interesting choice on the author’s part to not tell us exactly what this idea involves. I prefer to think she made that Rarity plushie we occasionally see him with in the show.
I am torn. On the one hand, I feel like the story didn’t do enough with its premise. On the other, the last thing I want to read right now is some long winded bout of abject misery and self-loathing. Maybe cutting it so short was the better move.
Nothing special, but it may catch the eye of those looking for at least a little expansion on the events of Inspiration Manifestation. Give it a go if you’re so inclined.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
How to Woo Your Lady in Nine Easy Steps — Pretty Good
Ladies Don't Freak Out — Pretty Good
The Ballad of Firebrand and Olivine — Pretty Good
Of Age — Worth It
Rarity's Diary — Needs Work
Loqui Veritatem In Caritate
2,064 Words
By Gay For Gadot
Every day, Father Waddle heads to the last Church of Equus to perform the morning rituals and a sermon. The fact that nopony attends outside of holidays anymore doesn’t bother him. It’s not like he’s alone, after all.
Here we discover that Mr. Waddle is actually the last priest of The Celestians. According to him, they “revere” Celestia, which he claims is different from “worshipping” her. Though his form of “reverence” is apparently dying out, he still has Discord, who comes to the church once a week to witness the rituals.
At long last, he might finally find out why.
It’s a pleasant story, to be sure. I especially like how Gay for Gadot distinguishes a difference between “reverence” and “worship”, although I, like Discord, can see a lot of people refusing to acknowledge that difference. Regardless, it’s nice to see religion treated as something other than the origin of villains or a punchline. And seeing the concept of religion touched upon in an MLP setting at all is always interesting when handled maturely.
The story involves two separate things that are happening in tandem: first, a look at an actual ritual performed in Celestia’s honor, and second, a look into Discord and his feelings towards his past and Celestia herself. Neither are relatively new ideas, but Gay for Gadot does well with the material regardless.
A nice, atmospheric little piece. I can see no reason not to recommend it.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Informed Delivery — Pretty Good
Running Late in Manehatten
2,540 Words
By Autumnschild
Veteran taxi pony Cabbie Blocks is just about to call it quits for the night when a panicking, expectant father appears with a need to get to the hospital pronto. Cabbie was late for one birth, he’s not about to be late for another!
On the surface, this is a story about a cab pony proving his cutie mark is more than a mere butt stamp by pulling all sorts of crazy stunts to get his passenger to the hospital on time. Under that surface, we find a story about a single father and the one time he failed to show up when he was needed. The two combine to make an endearing whole.
This one does everything it needs to do in the short time it has. Fun, quick, and sentimental, with just a touch of teasing regarding exactly who Cabbie is the father of. I figured it out more or less instantly, but I’m sure there are others who found the reveal at the end to be a surprise.
Not a bad way to blow ten minutes. Give it a go.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Twilight Sparkle's 500th Birthday — WHYRTY?
Princess Twilight Sparkle's 505th Birthday — Pretty Good
Displacement
218,843 Words
By hornethead
Requested by notAperson
James Kaughn is a member of the Navy Seals. At least he was, but then an op went wrong and instead of dying he wound up in Equestria. He briefly thought his time as a fighter was over, but then Celestia sticks her big butt in it and asks him to train a new armed force to take on some previously unknown threat that has decided to show up. Because of course it did.
This was advertised to me as possibly the originator of the rightfully loathed displaced sub-genre of stories. Given the title and this having been released in 2012, I suppose I can see where that idea might have come from. But it is to my understanding that ‘displaced’ stories involve some loser coming to Equestria as somebody else, be it an OP pony or a random character from a different franchise. James Kaughn is certainly OP, but he arrives in Equestria entirely as himself, so I’m not sure this qualifies as a ‘displaced’ story.
I’ll admit, I was not enthusiastic going in. And what little enthusiasm I did have died as soon as the author decided to describe in great detail two characters, including their clothes, their weapons, their ammunition, their skills, their ranks and positions in their unit, their tactical roles within said unit, and on and on and on. Bear in mind, only one of these is James, so I knew right from the start that the other guy didn’t matter. And sure enough, once James is in Equestria the other guy is gone from the story for good and all that time spent reading the minute details of his preferred weapon (amongst other things) was a waste.
We’re not even 1,000 words into the story yet. How ironic that the first chapter is called “A Painful Start”.
There are a lot of writing issues with this story. The wording is weird, grammar is often questionable, sentence structures are haphazard. hornethead has an unfortunate habit of going way over board with the details. I can’t tell if they’re a gun enthusiast eager to show off their extensive knowledge or simply think their readers are. Every time it mentions James going out for a job, you will be reminded that he stopped to do pull ups and crunches and the like in the mean time. If a scene starts in the morning, you will be reminded of James’ morning routine. If you don’t need to know about it, you probably will anyway.
Also, did you notice the way I divided up the words “overboard” and “meantime” earlier? Did it make you stop and do a double take, or annoy you, or simply give you pause? Prepare for that continuously in this story, because if there are any words of this kind they will be separated. “Floor board”. “Up coming”. “Back pack.” “Sky ward.” It never stops.
In the author’s defense, the writing does gradually improve as the story moves along. Certain grammar issues disappear entirely. It never improved to a point where I wasn’t spotting things every thousand words or so, and sentence structures never stopped being awkward, but there was clear improvement. Details became less of a chore, unnecessary aside like when James needs to brush his teeth stop showing up, things of that nature. hornethead deserves credit for gradually developing their craft.
But what of the story? It’s a bit of a mixed bag too. James is everything you’d expect for a sole protagonist sent to Equestria: loner, no family outside of his Seals team, generally negative outlook on pretty much everything, hates himself, and also a modern day Renaissance Man. Gag me.
As the story went on, however, it started to grow on me. Despite the typical annoyances of James’ character type, the gradual improvements in hornethead’s writing style allowed me to enjoy the story in general. James isn’t an unlikeable protagonist (when he’s not being a drunk idiot) and the scenes do tend to be interesting. It’s just the details that get in the way.
For starters, there’s how James is able to do pretty much anything. I’ll grant that he’s a Navy Seal and that gives him a certain skillset, but there comes a point when it gets ridiculous. I was already incredulous when we were expected to believe that a human was somehow supposed to train a pony in his own combat techniques. I outright laughed when he ordered his first student to perform squats. You read that right, squats. For a quadruped. The author apparently saw no problem with this.
I can believe Navy Seals do HALO jumps, but would they know how to reproduce a working modern parachute from scratch materials? What about a flight suit? Would they know how to pilot aircraft? Multiple types of aircraft? Would they understand all the details of sailing a 16th century naval ship?
What do you mean there are now a dozen of these elite teams trained and ready to go throughout Equestria? We never, not once, saw James training anypony other than his immediate team, and have received no sign whatsoever that any of them are leaving for a few months to intensely train more ponies. Where are all these new fighters coming from?
I get that Celestia’s been studying this interdimensional phenomenon for centuries and thus has amassed a small collection of human weaponry. It makes sense that James, who knows guns, would take a few and be able to get them into working order. But at no point was it ever specified that the ponies reverse engineered the development of these weapons beyond the ammunition, so why is it at the end of the story every pony in James’ new division is both armed and proficient with the things? And how are the non-unicorns using them?
I thought James hated thieves. He regularly gets pissy when he learns about them, acting like they’re the scum of the earth. Except pirates, apparently. He likes pirates. Nevermind that they’re also thieves and apparently kill ponies, they’re cool so he’s cool with them.
“I’m an evil human who kills things by my very nature which means you shouldn’t be friends with me and I need to go live alone in the Everfree Forest! Please ignore that I have not once in this entire story done anything to threaten anypony I actually like that’s irrelevant let me have my angsty and unfounded self-loathing! It’s called drama!”
On the plus side, I enjoyed his growing relationship with Rainbow Dash. Really, it’s one of the highlights. The story is much more focused on the training and the combat, but when this did come up it worked really well. I think that’s because it didn’t play out like most romances out there. The romance itself was not a source of drama. If anything, it was the most ‘normal’ part of the entire story. A refreshing element, in my opinion.
I also give credit to the ambiguous ending. hornethead clearly intended the conclusion to lead into a follow-up story. Which does exist, despite the lack of anything claiming so in-story or the story’s description page. I think this was written before FIMFiction came with the sequel feature. Regardless, the ending is handled in such a way that leaves a lot of unanswered questions that will surely lure people into the next one.
It will not, however, be luring me in. Although I did start to enjoy the story more as it went on, I didn’t like it enough to want to keep going.
Credit where it’s due. The story started off very poorly, and it took a while for me to stop seeing it as a waste of my time. Yet the author improved such that by halfway through it I was starting to feel more forgiving and even a little invested. If nothing else, the author deserves praise for improving their craft. I offer it wholeheartedly. The price of entry is a little steep and even then it won’t be for everyone – I’m sure a great many of us are sick and tired of the “human ends up in Equestria and is OP” trope. But for those who can get past the poor writing at the start and like this kind of story may get something out of it before the end.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Devil May Care
15,555 Words
By horizon
Sequel to Administrative Angel
Alternative Title: A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Just once, Discord would like to know what it’s like to experience an unlucky day. Fluttershy begrudgingly supports this, on the condition that he do nothing to hurt anypony in the process. Well, if he’s going to be unlucky, might as well go all out. What better way to go all out with bad luck than to smash a mirror? And what better mirror to smash than the mirror, one that everyone is trying to steer him clear of without telling him why?
TLDR: Discord finds himself stuck in the EqG universe and decides that the best course of action for all involved is to destroy it.
It’s a lot more complicated than that. If there’s an obvious theme to this story, it’s “don’t overthink things”, which horizon lampoons to great effect by having the characters continuously do so. Discord has come to believe that the EqG world isn’t real and is, in fact, an existential threat to Equestria, so really, by destroying it he’s doing everyone a favor. After all, he can’t break his promise not to harm real people if the people he’s harming aren’t real in the first place, right? He really doesn’t get why everyone in both worlds are so hung up on this.
The end result is something brilliantly entertaining. It is told entirely from Discord’s perspective, and things get real weird real fast. The occasional bout of yromem, debates about reality with the Sirens, Vice Principal Luna being wickedly clever, birch trees quoting Shakes Pear, and a constant struggle on Discord’s part to absolutely not acknowledge what’s really bothering him about all this.
When I started this, I was daunted by the need to go through all of it in one day. By the end I was so very glad I did. I kind of want to re-read it now, just to see if I missed anything, because I have the odd feeling I did. That aside, I should point out that if you haven’t read Administrative Angel, you don’t have to worry because it’s not necessary to enjoy this. Although you should read it anyway, because it’s great. The odd bit between the two is how very different they are as stories.
I think the two stories combined provide a great example of horizon’s skill as an author. I can’t stress enough how good this was in all aspects, from the narrative voice to the characterizations to the creativity underlining it all, to say nothing for how much fun it is. That this is the thing following the somber, heavy atmosphere of Administrative Angel and makes it work says a lot about the author, IMO.
Long story short, I greatly enjoyed this and think most people will too, be you a casual reader just wanting to enjoy Discord, a more technically minded one looking to see Discord done right, or someone who just wants a worthy follow up of Administrative Angel. Whichever one you are, you’ll find something worth your time in this.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Hearth Swarming Eve — WHYRTY?
The Last Dreams of Pony Island — WHYRTY?
Social Lubricant — Pretty Good
The Lotus Eaters — Pretty Good
The Dragon's Riddle — Worth It
Slaves to Darkness: A Bridle Path story
47,709 Words
By Penalt
Sequel to The Bridle Path
Thanks to the brief return of Sombra and his mind-warping magics, both Twilight Sparkle and Rarity are dead. Oh, they still have physical bodies that live, sure. But Rarity’s mind was broken into two separate entities – Rarity and Valiente – and the thing possessing Twilight’s body is little more than an incomplete mental clone that lacks the majority of her memories. But Valiente, an expert in psychological magics, may have a means of saving at least one of them.
The Bridle Path was a highly flawed but curious story in which Rarity gets captured by Diamond Dogs under King Sombra’s rule and mentally/sexually tortured until Luna and Twilight both show up to save her. While it had a lot of issues, including leaving impressions that I doubt the author intended, it was nonetheless a great example of using sexuality to support an overarching narrative.
Alas, Penalt throws all that away for Slaves to Darkness. Whereas its predecessor focused on the story with sexuality as a support structure, this one focuses on the sex and pretends to have a story. Every serious encounter and event in the story is told through a lens of BDSM, sexual torture, and mind warping. Every. Single. One. Worse, the vast majority of the events don’t matter, as subsequent events promptly declare them a ruse and no, what’s happening now is what is really going on.
In other words, scenes exist purely so that Penalt could write a given sex scenario, almost universally “X powerful character submits to X powerful character”. Want a scene where Chrysalis tortures Celestia into a mindless fucktoy? Sure, Penalt can give you that… only to take it away three chapters later by claiming Celestia was effectively faking it the whole time. Want Nightmare Moon to come back as a BDSM queen that conquers the minds and bodies of the Mane 6? Penalt will give that to you, provided you’re willing to accept the nonsense excuse for how and why it’s happening.
Essentially, this story is an attempt to create as many BDSM pairings of dominant/submissive as possible in a single AU.
You know what I was hoping for coming into this? I was hoping for a realistic look at the extreme psychological impact the events of The Bridle Path would inevitably have on the minds of Rarity and Twilight. That is not what this is. Oh, it claims to be that on the surface, but it’s just a bit of polish in an attempt to justify copious amounts of sex. This is realized the moment we’re told that Twilight’s current state of recovery was due to, I shit you not, Luna fucking her back into sanity.
Because literally everything that matters in this story has to relate to sex. Somehow.
Now, seeing all of this, you might think Slaves to Darkness is a bad story. And… it is. But one must pause and consider what Penalt was trying to do. As much as I rag on it and view it with general displeasure, the fact remains that this is simply not why I came here. I was hoping for something more cerebral, something realistic, but Penalt never intended to write that. It’s not their fault that I came here expecting something different.
With that in mind, I have to say that as a pornographic story, Penalt’s not doing anything wrong. People who are turned on by BDSM and mind warping will, I think, absolutely love it. Granted, they’d have to get through The Bridle Path to understand what’s happening here, and that one is more of a story story than this is. But if you just want to get your jollies off watching sex define every interaction that exists, hey, here’s your thing.
The only real criticism I can level in terms of the author’s intentions is that Penalt needs to be better at proofing. I saw far too many errors in there, and I question if they understand what commas are actually meant to do. I don’t know how many times I saw, commas being used as in this sentence with no, reason or rhyme to their placement.
So, final judgment. Are you looking for an actual story? Eh, better pass on this. But if you’re looking for some BDSM-themed sex? Definitely give it a go. I’m willing to rate this on the middle ground; it might not have been what I wanted or am interested in, but I think it’ll appeal to the audience it was intended for.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Bridle Path — Pretty Good
Sunset's Leather Jacket
1,147 Words
By Tennis Match Fan
Sequel to Sunny Flare: Master Shipper
It’s been twenty three years since the Battle of the Bands, and while spring cleaning Sunset comes across her old leather jacket. What better to do with the old relic than give it to her daughter, Morningdew?
I have no idea why this is labeled as a sequel to Sunny Flare: Master Shipper. There’s no connection whatsoever. Maybe TMF planned on making a larger continuity? Maybe they did and just didn’t connect this to it. I’m clueless.
Anyway, this is a very quick and simple story. Sunset Shimmer is married to some random guy named Thunderbass (who it turns out is a background EqG character, I just checked) and has a sixteen year old daughter named Morningdew. She finds her jacket, she gives Morningdew her jacket, then she retells the story of the Battle of the Bands in less than 150 words. Morningdew doesn’t believe the stories. The end.
Umm… Okay? I’m not sure what the author was trying to do here. Perhaps they were just trying to create a touching moment between a mother and her daughter. I guess. It’s far too quick and simple to amount to anything though. Nobody learned anything, there’s no apparent theme or moral, and it’s over barely after it’s begun. It’s not an attempt at atmosphere or anything like that, and the characterization is surface level at best. Were Tennis Match Fan still active on the site I’d have wanted to know from the source what the intention was.
Also, if Sunset actually wants her daughter to believe in magic, why not just let her visit Equestria? Hell, why didn’t they do that ages ago?
I’ll put this on the middle ground, because there’s nothing wrong with the story in general. It just doesn’t do anything.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Sunny Flare: Master Shipper — Pretty Good
Career Advice — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
Soothe Them by PacifistDoodl3r
A Moonlit Storm by SilverNotes
The Trail of Your Failures Will Lead You to Memory by Jarvy Jared
Cut Me Like a Curse by AugieDog
The Dull Life of Maud Pie by Whateverdudezb
In Tambelon Comes the Hungry Darkness by Georg
The Twilight Enigma by iisaw
By Blood or Choice by Krickis
Nightmare or Nyx? by Pen Stroke
Rarity Reveals... by Soufriere
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Ehehehe, thank you for the review, I suppose, though I don't recall asking for one... or being asked if it was okay to review my story.
Anygay, to help explain the whole "Why is Twilight angry" thing, it's deliberately played up for laughs. I was coming off the back end of writing my first Danganronpa crossover, where for plot reasons Twilight gets strung out to the point where this kind of anger becomes normal to her, and so when the idea abruptly occurred to me about her being part Kirin I just rolled with the same characterization I'd been writing for her up to that point. Is it ridiculous? Absolutely. But that's the point. I was never expecting this story to get the reception it did. It was just a brief short idea I tossed together in half an hour, threw up on the website and expected to sink, and it somehow became my most upvoted story, even over far superior works like In Harmony's Wake, Star Trek: Phoenix, and On Harmony's Shores.
As for the how she got the DNA in her family to begin with... I never really thought about it. I'm sure I could come up with a logical explanation if I thought about it for a while. For now I'll tentatively say it was due to population reshuffling during Discord's reign, and ponies and others getting together just trying to survive. That probably doesn't hold up to scrutiny but oh well. It was never meant to.
Lest we forget about the true 'Displacement' story.
...Screw, it this is now a review request. If only cause I think it'd be funny to go between two stories with the same name and bare concept but wildly different tones. Not my usual request fare, but it's only 3k anyway.
also want to point out that the bridle path story's acronym is STD
very yes :D
I have a particular fondness for Gay for Gadot's story, because it was actually the story that got me back into reviewing for a time. Happy to see it come your way.
Hello there! I'm Spyder27 and I was surprised to see my story was reviewed. Honestly? I agree with Dewdrops on the Grass. I am sorta thankful for the review...? But it does feel weird that you reviewed my story without my permission or asking me just to tell me I need to work on it. I kind of want to address some of your comments that you made about the story.
Firstly, I completely understand your comment about the doom and gloom stories. It is understandable that it's hard to put much variety into these stories since they all hit the same notes, but I don't think that just because you've seen other stories do it that it should invalidate someone's story. It would be like saying that you have seen a better slice-of-life story and therefore, the reading you're reviewing doesn't meet the bar. I know what you mean, but I don't think other doom and gloom stories should make this one invalid simply because it's been seen elsewhere. This story was made for a certain type of vibe and unfortunately, that vibe was something you've seen done before.
Not all writings are made for everyone. Sad literature is sad because that's what the author wanted to write. They don't all have to do some groundbreaking new idea as long as it's a good enough story to read.
Now, your second comment about my repetition is actually correct to a degree. I do sometimes end up repeating myself and honestly? I've been trying to get better at that. I don't do it intentionally and I guess it's my attempt to really convey ideas, but yeah. I have been trying to work on that. I don't really have an excuse for this since it's a valid criticism and this story was made within a couple hours, so I should have expected repetitions.
Third, you go on to say that the whole ending felt too unreal as an audience. Maybe that's true. Honestly, that's not how I've felt. I tried to describe that Sunset has been going through this hell for a long time and that her friends have tried to help her multiple times. Maybe I didn't describe that enough. Regardless, I've been in some really depressing ruts in my life and sometimes, the thing that helped me was one singular person with one singular phrase to actually make me believe that my own life had meaning to it. I apologize, but that is how I've felt, especially after losing someone in my family. Companionship is a powerful thing and I probably could have done a better job describing that this was a repeated process for Shimmer. With her friends trying to help her and all. Regardless, I feel differently than you do about the argument about whether one person can help another.
Your last comments sort of stung the most. I do appreciate the compliments and that you said my story was worthwhile, but the way in which you said I needed to work on my craft made it sound like you thought my story was undercooked and gives off the impression of a "holier than thou" mindset. Saying that I lack what it takes to accurately describe a scene and I don't have enough experience makes it sound like your compliments were just out of necessity. I admit my writing style has problems like with repetition and long paragraphs, but the last few comments make it sound like you look down on me and my work due to those problems.
I appreciate your honest opinion on my story, but the thing that rubs me the wrong way is the fact that you never asked me if it would be okay to review my story. Some of your statements don't even add up since the whole doom and gloom aspect shouldn't ever discount a story just because you've seen it before. What should count is the story's potential, the phrasing, and character development. While I agree with a couple of your criticisms, the others just don't make sense to me and all it feels like you're saying is "This author has written a story that isn't that new and therefore doesn't have the experience to accurately portray a story like this." There's nothing wrong with pointing out my flaws, but you need to realize some of your complaints aren't how everyone feels or are they the objective truth. The objective truth would be that I tend to repeat phrases. The subjective truth is how you don't like doom and gloom stories because they're all the same to you.
As I stated above, I agree with some of your complaints and I am thankful for the compliments you gave me. Really, I am. If you ever want to review another one of my stories, I would honestly appreciate it if you asked me first and told me what you thought in private because, as I stated above, your review makes it sound like the compliments are forced in due to your dislike of the genre, character handling and other problems, going on to say that I don't have the experience needed to make this story. You say that you might read my other works, and while I may appreciate that, I will say my other works are quite dramatic too, so I don't know if you would like them. The only one I can say that is a lighter tone and not in a series is It's Just Us. Again, I'd appreciate it if you ask for my permission to review a story of mine in the future.
Sincerely,
Spyder27
Heh, "A Painful Start."
5712915
I haven't read your story, so I can't speak to a personal evaluation of it, but it didn't sound to me like Paul was saying it's bad that you wrote a concept that's been done before. That's nearly impossible to avoid. Everything's been done before in some fashion. Look at the stories Paul gives high ratings to, and you can doubtless classify them as things we've seen before, too. That one may be another Raridash romance, and this other one might be another immortality angst story.
Some things are more common than others, but the point for any of them is to stand out from the crowd. Find some little angle or twist that makes it different from what most other authors are doing with the concept, and in a very basic sense, that "something extra" can even be superlative writing quality. You've probably heard authors being complimented by saying they could make reading the phone book interesting (back when we still had phone books...).
So no, writing something that's been done before isn't inherently a problem. You just have to find a way to make it fresh or wow the reader with sheer skill.
5712897
5712915
Seeing two authors make comments like this in the same review blog made me sit up and blink a bit -- all the more so as I reviewed Twilight Takes a DNA Test myself back in 2021. Now, I don't know whether it's relevant here that both authors are relatively new to the site (one joined in 2020, one in 2021) but I'll put this straightforwardly:
Feedback, sometimes including reviews, is part of the deal on Fimfiction and it's been that way ever since the early days of the site. Nobody is required to ask permission to write about a story you have put up here in public.
Someone reviewing an unpublished fic you'd shown them privately? That would be bad. But that's a different thing. It's not even "bad manners" to review a fic straight off without asking the author first. It's completely normal. Possibly other sites are different, but then Fimfiction is unusual in some ways. Maybe this is one of them.
I'm only speaking for myself here, but personally I won't review stories that have their comments and/or ratings disabled. (This option is available from the "Edit" button above your stories.) Admittedly I'm also less likely to read stories that have these things disabled, but it is an option that's available. So if you really don't want people reviewing your fic, this is a possible way to discourage it -- though there's no rule saying people can't review fics like that.
Finally: PaulAsaran is a very long standing and well respected reviewer. He does not bash stories for the fun of it. So you needn't worry about that. I think 5712974 gave an excellent response to the rest, so I won't try to add any more other than to say that engaging with a reviewer and responding to their comments, as you do here, is definitely a good thing. Being willing to engage is something that many readers and potential readers do notice. So
to you both for doing that.
5712974
Ah, I see~ How it read to me, it felt like that is what they were saying
5713002
I appreciate both of your responses and honestly? It helped me gain a little more insight on this review. While I still think the review is a bit harshly worded, I don't think that was Paul's intention. I still agree with some of the criticisms and observations that were made as well.
From my standpoint, it's not normal to review a person's work without permission when it comes to the fanfiction circle. Especially since some authors don't like having their work in places they don't expect. In general, I don't think reviews are bad and I'm not opposed to them, but with how the review was worded, it almost felt like my story was being bashed.
I apologize if I came off rudely. I do appreciate the compliments thrown my way and I am working on the criticisms I agree with
5713005
Thanks for replying! From what you say, together with you still being relatively new to the site, it does sound as though maybe you're more used to how things work elsewhere. On Fimfiction, it is and always has been normal to get reviews without the reviewer asking permission. I suppose you could say it's part of Fimfiction culture.
One thing I do notice, though, is that I didn't leave Dewdrops on the Grass a comment on their blog when I reviewed their fic myself. That definitely was bad manners on my part, and I am very happy to apologise to them for that.
5712897
5713005
If you ask me, these reviews are just like in-depth comments, except that it would also get shared. Not sure why would that be a problem, though. We are on a public fanfiction site with a incredibly developed community lol.
Twilight Takes a DNA Test. Ah yes, another fic found for your reviews via yours truly.
You’d already hinted back then that the canon justification you (correctly) predicted from the title and description was the only way you could see this working, so I’m glad it did for you. In retrospect, Twilight being very hot-tempered was a little odd, but it worked well enough for me that I didn’t feel compelled to mention it, which is probably a good sign!
5712897
5712915
As another Ponyfic reviewer myself, I’m gonna throw my two cents in with 5713002 (and also 5712974). Ponyfic authors review fics all the time without permission, and if we factored in getting the author’s approval, we’d never touch most fics (what about all those authors who have left?). A lot of the time, we review because we like discussing and dissecting fics, even the problematic ones, and we like seeing authors improve if we find a work lacking. I can’t speak to others, but me, I always try, when noting issues, to note other routes that could have been taken, or feint in the direction of possible solutions.
And to agree with Logan, putting work up here is giving anyone permission to read and say what they want about it. A review here is no different that a comment on the fic. Excepting Ratings Disabled fics, which I too won’t review. For what it’s worth, only once in the 265 (at the time of writing) fics that I’ve reviewed have I had an author react negatively to me reviewing them, and as that was very early in my Ponyfic reviewing career, when I was still figuring out my style, I honoured their response to not again review a story of theirs, even though I feel they’d react differently were I to review a fic of theirs again.
Also worth noting is I reviewed Dewdrops’ fic here before like Logan (my review was what got it on PaulAsaran’s radar), and Dewdrops didn’t openly mind it then, only expressing further bewilderment at a quickie comedy having far outpaced the traffic of their more laboured fics. Obviously Paul giving more space to the things he didn’t like as much contributed to the different reaction here, but as Pascoite and Logan noted, he’s the furthest thing from a basher and always looks out for the best in a fic (you should see him reviewing some bad longfics and doing all he can to squeeze out as much positivity as he can!)
Also, as you know, Paul shelves his fics in the appropriate public ratings folder weeks before the review goes up, so you know in advance it’s coming. Plenty warning to request it not appear! Also, his reviews come partly from his own choices and partly form requests (from the fic’s author or from another; NumberFifth is the main one these days to request others’ fics). He also has his review schedule public on his spreadsheet and the next week at the end of the review blog, something I’d like to do once I’m ahead of schedule enough. Though me, I only review stories I pick myself and which I’m likely to have read anyway, at least this
To make a long story short, Ponyfic reviewing’s all in good taste and we’re never not learning, so we always welcome engagement and feedback to our feedback. There ain’t no such thing as an objective take, after all!
5713011
I really appreciate your take on this~ On the other websites I'm on, it's not nearly as well-practiced to have so many reviews out there. It's actually seen as bad practice to review someone's work and give it criticism if it isn't asked for. But I suppose it's different here, huh? Regardless, I can respect that. Due to my previous knowledge, it seemed in bad taste for someone to review my story without asking first. And I do agree that there is no objective truth in the realm of reviews
5713007
Honestly, this is very confusing to me. In other parts of the fanfic community, it's seen as bad practice to offer criticisms if it isn't asked for. I've been on this site for over a year now and I didn't know there was such a big reviewing scene here. I guess it isn't seen as a bad thing. Regardless, I can see your viewpoint.
5713010
Well, you are correct that we're in a public website with a big community, but from how I've experienced elsewhere, it's not seen as a good thing to offer criticism unless you are asked for it. Or if you ask to give your criticism. I see that it's different here, but elsewhere, it's seen as kind of a jerk thing to do. That's the sort of mindset I found elsewhere.
As one final thing, I do offer an apology to PaulAsaran if I seemed rude or uninformed. Honestly, I still don't know what to think of the review, but I appreciate the compliments and I see that it's a common thing on this site to review stories.
If you want, I can delete my original comment since I kind of see now your intent with the review. Sorry about that
5713013
I think it can be easy for those of us who've been here a long time (I joined in 2012) to forget how unusual some aspects of Fimfiction may seem to newcomers -- even the basic point that in this fandom AO3 is not the main go-to site.
I know you're not brand new here, but the relevant point is that you weren't around 8-10 years ago when Fimfiction was ridiculously huge. Back then, you'd have weeks with over 2,000 new stories (the average is now under a third of that) and there were a whole bunch of regular reviewers. You've got most of the currently active ones on this thread (Paul, Mike, PresentPerfect and me) but I can think of half a dozen more off the top of my head who wrote lots of reviews, not even counting the video reviewers. Most reviewers (including all the current ones I named) are also authors, so we've been on the other side of reviews too, which I think helps.
I won't ramble on too much, as I don't want to completely swamp Paul's blog! But one thing I will say is that I think you've done yourself a lot of credit with the way you've responded in this thread. It's entirely up to Paul as it's his blog, but personally I don't see any reason why you should delete your original comment. Oddly enough, that's another bit of "Fimfiction culture" -- it's generally seen as bad form here to delete comments unless there's a really serious reason such as personal info being divulged. Anyway, thank you once again for engaging. I appreciate it a lot.
Oh ho, I see some titles that I recognize lined up for the next batch of reviews.
... Which brings something to my attention:
Not of critical importance, but it's there.
5712974
5713002
5713010
5713011
I appreciate y'all coming to my aid, folks. As a general rule I let the blog stew for a day before coming back to answer any comments, and I was thinking a lot about how to respond to Dewdrops and especially Spyder. Looks like you guys covered most of what I would have said though and I barely need to say anything except add a point or two, so thanks!
Now, about these two...
5712897
5712915
I have a lot I could say about the idea of permissive reviewing, and none of it positive. The idea that other public forums see this as an unspoken requirement is appalling to me. But I get that this may be where you're coming from, so I understand why you may be miffed. To that effect, I do have a few largely unspoken rules of my own.
The first is that I will never let anyone dictate to me what I may and may not review, because once I let one person do it I have to let everyone by rule of precedence. However, if an author notices I'm planning to review one of their stories before I've actually started reading (getting on my To Read list is the one week warning), they can PM me and ask me to review something else from their library in its place. It's kind of like a delay, except that delaying me this way can lead to me never getting to the 'undesireable' because of how long it usually takes me just to get back to a particular author's library. Plus it's entirely possible I'll forget I meant to read that particular story in the first place.
The second option authors have is to ask me not to review their material at all. I'm perfectly willing to abide by that. I can think of at least three authors who have already done so (one of which is a pity, because for all their insistence at being terrible they were actually really good).
5712915
I won't apologize for having opinions, because it is impossible to write a review without them, but I will apologize for a certain misunderstanding. I've read and reviewed so incredibly many stories that are, in terms of subject matter, exactly like a bajillion other stories out there. Traditional romances, the common self-abusive sadfic, medieval adventures, so on. My typical statement for these stories is something along the lines of "these stories are tropes for a reason, but if an author wants to stand out from the crowd they have to have an ace". Something like that, I phrase it differently every time. It's basically what 5712974 said.
The mistake I made here is not including that note. I've written it in some form so many times for so many stories that at this point I'm starting to feel like it's understood. Clearly, that was in error. You don't know my work, my style, or my methods, so you had no reason to know that my omission of the statement wasn't a default dismissal. That's entirely my fault for not considering it, and I apologize.
On another note...
No! Nononono, no. Noooooo.
I'm exaggerating, of course. But please, don't. I believe the worst thing someone can do is delete a comment, because FIMFiction doesn't bother to explain who did the deleting. There's potential that people not in the know will make assumptions about the reasoning, which can make the blog/story owner look bad. Better to leave it and let them follow the thread to its conclusion than give them nothing and let them form their own.
5712897
5712915
Lastly, I'll reiterate what others have said and note that I'm glad you guys responded at all. I'm sure you as writers appreciate comments on your stories, and it's the same for us reviewers. I especially appreciate when an author remarks on specific points I've made, either to offer their side of the argument (that's you, Spyder) or to expand upon their thoughts regarding an aspect of the story (that's you, Dewdrops). Both have the potential to let a reviewer produce more insightful reviews for that author when/if a later story of theirs gets reviewed.
5712911
Doesn't look like my cup of tea, but that won't stop me from giving it a go.
That might have been intentional.
5713025
D'oh! I thought I'd fixed that in the template already, but apparently not. Thanks for the reminder.
Displacement is a 'Displaced' story in the actual sense of the word I feel. As in, someone removed from the world they know to one they don't. Also called Isekai if you're cool 😎.
I'm super late to the party, but thank you for the kind words about not just Devil May Care but about my writing in general. It's high praise that you were such a fan of both it and its prequel, including (not despite!) the massive shift between them. That authorial range is something I've tried hard to cultivate.
I'll also note that -- even though it's technically a standalone story -- if you enjoyed Angel and Devil that much, I really should point you at Fang and Flame, which I consider the third part of the angel/devil trilogy. It contains zero of the same characters aside from a fleeting Sunset Shimmer cameo, but thematically, it's the third leg of the stool.
5721728
Well then I'd say you did a decent job cultivating it. The opposing styles of the two stories struck me as more complementary than anything.
I shall definitely give Fang and Flame a look. Might take a while to get there, but rest assured it will happen.