2023

I know I promised a long post about my toxic high school theatre program, but I implore you to indulge me once more. If I can find the willpower and endurance to say all the things I wanna say I'll do it.

But in my quest to come up with a resolution that isn't impossible unhealthy or painfully overused, I was thinking about an email I sent back in September.

I’ve been discovering lately that I’m becoming very avoidant in doing things because I don’t understand it and not understanding things is still a fairly new thing for me. That understanding is something I gathered from the monologue project. But once I actually do the thing I’m avoiding, I do fine.

And what I decided to gracefully omit from that email was that that avoidance doesn't only come from academics, it comes a lot from a lot of things. Like writing this post. This is where I wanted to stop because I felt it was getting too personal but I decided I won't. Because the thought of my internet fame peaking at thirteen is not something I want engraved on my headstone.

Idk it's like I'm suddenly scared of challenge or something. And sure that avoidance came from at first wanting to avoid ridicule, then because I wanted to avoid being a spectacle, and finally to avoid a public scandal either shifting eyes to me or something/someone I care about. Like how I almost quit my theatre program because of the utter disrespecr I have to put up with on a daily basis. Well, why become a ridiculed spectacle by avoiding an already present public scandal? Because I assure you, I will not become nor remain an irrelevant memory. Whether you respect my art, admire my talent, value my friendship or believe me to be the spawn of Satan himself ready to disrupt your precious routine.

I will be remembered, and that won't come from giving into avoidance.

I wish I could say I don't care what people think, I do and I don't particularly wish to change that as adopting that mindset was what lead me down the path of selfish apathy and narcissism. I care, but I won't let the possibility of negative receptions stop me because art is subjective. And I'd rather experience tasteful criticism than blind admiration due to my adherence to conventional beauty standards or past triumphs.

And so my resolution is thus.

Do stuff.

What do you expect some S.M.A.R.T. acronym to go along with it? You're not my 6th grade counselor. If I wanna be vague as hell I'll be vague as hell. Because mystery is hot AF*.

Positive Vibes!!

*Not a green light to hit on me