The Long And Short of It, Party Time · 3:18am Dec 10th, 2022
Sorry for the wait!
>You are Anonymous the unicorn, and tonight’s the night!
>Your first house party in... well, years really.
>So it's got you pretty psyched!
>Neither Pike nor Cut knew this, but back in the day, your parties used to draw quite the crowds.
>Back when all that was needed for fun was a good old-fashioned Halo 3 LAN party.
>Ah Fat Kid Escape, those were the days.
>Unfortunately, finding things for tonight’s guests required a bit more effort.
>There really isn’t a unifying thread between your guests, but that doesn’t mean the tried and true pastimes shouldn’t work!
>With some food, plenty of drinks, and Pike and Cut’s combined party game selection, you should have more than enough to keep everyone entertained!
>Speaking of the food, that’s what you find yourself preparing right now.
>Pike seemed a little on edge, so you took it upon yourself to make some stuff for tonight.
>You hadn’t meant for it to be anything crazy, just some classic party snack things.
>Honestly you had hoped to just buy most of it ready from the store, only to realize you’d forgotten how much ponies prefer to cook things.
>They’d invented a TV but not a dang TV dinner apparently!
>If you wanted ‘pretzel bites and beer cheese’ you either had to clean out a bakery or buy the dough and cook the bites yourself!
>At least a new Kirin shop was selling beer cheese by the block.
>A block that’s currently melting in a pot you’ve got on a backburner while the pretzels cook in the oven.
>You’ve also got some veggies from Pike’s garden that you plan to make salsa out of on the counter.
>Annnnd the ingredients for buffalo dip waiting in the refrigerator (which you should /really/ have already started by now).
>Maybe you overdid it, just a tad.
>Oh shit and you totally forgot about that block of nacho cheese!
>Fuuuuck, you meant to put that on at the same time as the beer cheese!
>Damn it!
>Yanking open a cabinet you send a mystic hand in to find a suitable pot.
>Hmm, not that one, too small... that one feels like a skillet...
>”OoooooOOOOOOooooOOOoooo~!”
>You stubbornly keep your attention focused on the stove, despite the voice from the couch’s best efforts to pull you away.
>”I cast a spell of... uh, Anon coming over to the cooo~ooouch!”
>You try your damndest to hold in the laughter.
>They haven’t quite gotten to you yet, but they’re close.
>>”Didn’t your Mom ever tell you? Never distract a stallion when he’s in the kitchen!”
>Now /that/ gets you.
>You bark out a laugh before abandoning your quest for a pot and turning toward the couch.
>The two mares have hung themselves over the back of the couch to watch you while you work.
>Cut’s still wearing the outfit you got from Silken’s it seems.
>The moment the two of you walked in Silken was off like a lightning bolt, claiming she knew exactly why you were there and that she had the perfect thing for it.
>Turns out it was a lovely dark blue sorceress robe complete with gold trim.
>A gold trim that if one looked at it hard enough, they’d notice it primarily consisted of dicks cumming magic sparkles and swirls.
>You give the girls a wry look.
“Did your Mom /actually/ tell you that?”
>Hold on, if you were facing away from them, does that mean they’ve just been watching your flanks and sack this whole time?
>>”Well, yeah,” Pike replies, “Yours did too, right, Cut?”
>”Once or twice,” Cut says from beneath the robe’s hood, “Dad always made a big stink when she did though.”
>The moment for whatever she had planned clearly passing, she follows up by pulling the hood off her head.
>It must be enchanted because when that hood is up all you can see of her face is her golden mane spilling out the front.
>Which she left down to compliment her sorceress look.
>It looks good on her, especially when you can actually see her whole head.
>It's longer than you thought, it comes down nearly midway down her shoulders.
>She must really pack it into that bun!
>>”Surely your Mom said it once too, Anon.”
>Like a true nerd, Cut adjusts her glasses before correcting Pike.
>”No, it would have been your... Dad, right?”
>The idea makes you snicker.
>You can tell by the little pause she’s struggling to even picture it.
>The best part is, she’d probably be right.
>If you’d been born a few decades earlier that is!
“I can honestly say neither of my parents /ever/ said that.”
>Having discussed your parents with them before, neither of them looks particularly surprised.
>Hell, Pike easily looked ten times more shocked at Cut’s answer than yours.
>>”I guess it was just Mom being weird,” she mutters under her breath.
>Hm, you’ve heard Pike defend stranger things when they’ve come from her Mom.
>Odd that she’d give up so easily for this one.
>You wonder, what’s changed?
>Before you can dwell on it any longer though, a pop from the stove pulls you back to it.
>You need to keep stirring the cheese, dang it!
>Seeing you retreat back to the kitchen makes Cut and Pike both sigh.
>”Come on, Anon,” Cut whines, “come hang out with us!”
>Deciding to use your eyes this time, you peek into the cabinet you left open to try and find that pot.
>Oh it was right there in the front, imagine that.
“No dice! I said I would have everything ready and I’m doin' it!”
>You pull the cheese out of the fridge and put it on a cutting board.
>It’ll melt faster if you chop it up, after all.
“Besides, waiting for people to show is always the worst part.”
>You give the beer cheese a couple of hard stirs to keep it from bubbling again.
“You’re just sitting there, waiting. Then you start wondering, what if no one shows up? Does anyone actually want to come?"
>Grabbing a second spoon you start doing the same to the nacho cheese.
"Did everyone just lie about coming so you wouldn't feel bad? And once you hit that point, it's just downhill ‘til somebody shows.”
>By chance, you catch a glimpse of Pike and Cut through the reflection on the pot.
>It's pretty distorted obviously, so distorted that they look comically concerned!
>>"Anon... Is there something you want to talk about?"
>*Ding Dong!*
>You let out a breath you hadn't realized was bated at the sound of the doorbell.
>Looks like the first guest has arrived!
>You are Nocturnal Pike, and you’re surrounded by ponies important to you.
>And also Silken.
>Anon’s little get-together has truly begun, and so far things are going decently well.
>Silken was the first to show, right on time too.
>You were surprised she beat Night, but then again Night wasn’t far behind at all.
>Unfortunately, the two of them showing up so fast only serves to highlight the present issue.
>It's been nearly forty-five minutes and still no Astral.
>Dang nab it!
>You’re tempted to cross your hooves and grumble.
>This whole thing is happening at /her/ behest, and she can’t even be bothered to show up on time!?
>Sure, she’s never been the most punctual, but this is ridiculous!
>Thankfully the lack of the de facto guest of honor doesn’t seem like it's bothering Anonymous too much.
>Which is extra surprising, considering how anxious he was earlier.
>In contrast, now he seems completely content, with only the occasional glance back toward the stove.
>It helps that Cut (who thankfully ditched her robe in a hurry) and you are on either side of him to pin him down if need be.
>Right now though, he's yammering away about something to Silken, who’s set a cushion on the other side of the coffee table.
>Night’s next to her, and her bewildered expression reminds you just how little time she's spent around him.
>In steep contrast to what you know Astral will be, the violet Thestral hasn’t quite shaken off the chain of command business.
>Even as she listens to your coltfriend yammer on about nonsense, she’s keeping her posture perfect and her attention focused.
>Which is why you and Astral are frequently very insistent that she comes out more, her serious demeanor is both her greatest asset and a bit of a weakness.
>”You guys don’t know how good you have it. I mean, all you need is a cushion on the ground. Back home, we’d be shoving a chair into every nook just so everyone had a place to sit!”
>You love Anon, you really do, and you're happy that he’s so much more comfortable talking about his home.
>But sometimes he forgets that a lot of what he says sounds like complete nonsense to the average pony.
>Like Night Sky for instance.
>Silken may not know that his people actually sat upright, but she’s at least seen the nastiest of his culture shock.
>Nothing he said would probably surprise her at this point.
>Night Sky, however, looks like she’s slowly losing her mind trying to follow what he’s saying.
>You /could/ give her some fake context like ‘Oh, there were a lot of Diamond Dogs in A-mare-ica and they need to sit upright,’ but it's much funnier to leave her in the dark.
>"Oh, that reminds me! There was this one party back in college..."
>You hop off the couch and onto your carpet, wordlessly excusing yourself.
>You can tell where this story’s going, it's the one where Anon’s friend managed to drunkenly stumble through and break ten consecutive chairs in one fall.
> It's a funny story, but you don’t really need to hear it again.
>Tramping across the soft carpet, you make for the window in what is admittedly a probably futile effort.
>You could tell from the couch there wasn’t a cloud in the night sky, so if Astral is nearby you might be able to see her from the window.
>She probably isn’t, but hey, no harm in trying
>So after a peppy trot over toward the window, you gaze out over Carterlot’s nighttime skyline.
>Most of the buildings are still lit up, so their silhouettes create quite a picturesque contrast against the sky.
>...and the pony flying toward your window?
>Sure enough, even after a second look, that off-color splotch standing out against the skyline is very much a pony.
>A pony whose flight vector seems like it's headed /directly/ for your window.
>Pouring all your natural magic into your eyes, you focus on the approaching shape.
>And iiiiiiiits... just Astral.
>You suppose that should have been obvious.
>Why on Hearth isn't she just coming in the door?
>Unlatching the window, you take a step back so she'll have a place to land.
>A step that clues you in to just how much you'd been tensing your back legs.
>Seems your subconscious was prepping you for the old point-blank take-off and intercept, good on it!
>That would have been just the thing if it really was some crazy pony careening right toward your window.
>Instead of plowing through the window and into everypony, you could have easily knocked them off course and saved the day!
>Ooo, you kinda wish that would happen now...
>Well, honestly it might still happen if the reason Astral’s going for your window is she’s already drunk.
>She’s done it before.
>Last time she didn’t even give you a /chance/ to open it, she just blew straight through.
>Your landlady reinforced the glass after that one.
>/And/ charged you for it.
>On that thought, you decide not to even take the chance of that happening again and just preemptively pop the window open.
>The brief cold is worth not having to pay for a new window, or even worse, Astral just bouncing off and tumbling to the streets below.
>Even with the heat on blast you've still got to suppress a shiver as a chill rushes in.
>Of course Celestia would move the capital to the top of a mountain as soon as the REAL Princess was out of the picture.
>She knew how well the Thestrals do with cold, she was trying to keep your tribe out!
>"Hey, honey," Anon calls from the couch, "why'd you open the window? You'll let all the heat out."
>Tsk, of course, the first pony to complain would be the only one with natural cold resistance.
>Stallions.
>Before you have a chance to explain though, Astral's already zipping through the open window and right past you.
>She hits the floor hard, you could feel it from where you're standing, and immediately transitions into one of the shortstop rolls the unit has practiced countless times.
>It barely keeps her momentum from slamming her into the coffee table, but she manages to stop just short of it.
>She must have sped up when she saw you open the window, she closed that distance fast.
>Considering how close her head came to that table, a little /too/ fast you'd reckon.
>Not unexpectedly, the ponies still gathered around the table are all pretty speechless as the mare stumbles to her hooves.
>Well, except Night, she just rolls her eyes.
>”Astral,” she asks, “What the buck was that?”
>If her barely stumbling to her hooves hadn’t already clued you in, her slurring would have.
>She’s already drunk.
>Guess it's a testament to your regimen that she was able to pull a move like that while barely in control of herself enough to stand.
>”Oof, s-sorry but if I had to fly in th-*hic*-those winds for another minute I think my dang TEATS would have fallen off!”
>Anon sits forward a bit and asks, “So why didn’t you just walk?”
>Silken shifts her eyes between him and Astral before laughing.
>”You know, if you /really/ wanted to impress him I don’t think that’s the way to do it,” she says.
>”It's not /THAT/,” Astral shouts back. “I had to lose my tail!”
>You all look between each other around Astral, various forms of confusion on each of your faces.
>”Well uh, mission failed,” Anon snarks, “it’s still on your butt.”
>”No that kind of tail!” she slurs back, “somepony was following me!”
>That seems... highly unlikely to you.
>But drunk or not, Astral probably wouldn’t imagine something like that.
>Night ends up being the one to ask first, ”Why would somepony be following you?”
>*Knock knock*
>The sound on the door brings everything to a halt.
>You and everypony else hold your breath as your heads all slowly turn toward the door.
>*Knock*
>*Knock*
>You are Anonymous the unicorn, and you just don’t know what went wrong.
>Cut and yourself are currently cowering behind the kitchen table.
>Well, cowering /symbolically/ at least.
>The mystery of Astral’s tail will sadly in all likelihood never be solved.
>Because to figure out who it was, you’d have to ask every one of the dozen or so ponies who were outside that door.
>And are now milling about your house, drinking and laughing.
>It went from a get-together to a real party so fast you were hardly able to react.
>Thankfully, you’re pretty sure none of these ponies are total strangers.
>Pike recognized more than half of them from her squad, and named most of them as you walked in.
>Some you recognized, like Blueblood’s fillyfriend Rook and Cut’s sister Cloak.
>Others you didn’t, like Mulberry Pie.
>Astral even called out to one of them too, some pegasus you think is from the Dayguard.
>And, wait, are those some mares from the office by the window?
>What the fuck!?
>How did any of these ponies get here? Did they all just stalk Astral?
>No, that doesn’t make sense.
>Of course, poor socially anxious Cut is handling all this the best she can.
>She’s putting on a brave face, but you can tell on the inside she’s freaking out.
>Hence why she’s back here with you.
>Thankfully, whoever told these weirdos to come also told them it was BYOB, so now your kitchen table’s got more booze on it than you’d ever need.
>So knowing Cut, and knowing parties, you reach out a hand and pluck a bottle off the table.
>Some cider, you’d bet.
>Using your telekinetic thumb, you flip the cap right off as you gently glide it over to her.
>Ha! Couldn’t have done /that/ if they were still meat hands.
>Catching sight of the beer, she looks at you, wide-eyed like a puppy.
“Don’t think about it too hard,” you say, pressing the cider into her chest, “Just go with the flow and let the conversations take you.”
>She wordlessly nods her head before grabbing the cider with a hoof and taking a shaky swig.
>You wish you could do that right now, but as the host, it's your job to stay (mostly) sober and make sure everyone has a good time.
>And make sure these fucks don’t steal anything.
>You are Cut N. Paste, and it took two whole ciders before you felt like you could leave the relative safety of the kitchen.
>Another, and you actually feel calm enough to mingle.
>To be honest, you really had no idea what Anon was talking about, so you just headed over toward Pike.
>She can at least introduce you to most of these strangers.
>As you get close to the guardsmares gathered around the coffee table, the conversation starts to fade in...
>”And I can’t believe you just /left/ me there, Sarge!” says the one you recognize as Rook.
>”Oh noooooooo!” slurs Astral, “Pike ABANDONED you to be ogled by a bunch of rich, hot, tigers? We need a court martialing, /now/!”
>Pike sees you coming and scoots over on the couch, giving you a place to sit.
>You gladly take it, of course, and silently let the argument play out.
>”Blue’s not a tiger!” Rook protests, “He’s only twenty-eight! B-Besides, you haven’t seen them! It's like swimming with sharks!”
>”Sharks that’ll *hic* blow your back out and pay your bills,” Astral snarks.
>”Don’t be so crude,” responds Night Sky, the mare you met earlier, “but Rook, surely you’re over-exaggerating.”
>”I’m not!” Rook shudders as she recalls the event, “They get this look in their eyes, like I’m just a piece of meat to them, an... object.”
>The horror on her face abruptly shifts to what you’d almost call guilt.
>”Is... Is that how we look to the stallion guards?”
>Suddenly you feel some sort of movement from the back of the couch.
>Looking over behind you, you’re shocked to see Cloak.
>She silently crept up and draped herself over the back of the couch and nearly onto you.
>You really wish she’d stop doing things like that...
>As she speaks, you notice she’s almost stage whispering.
> It's got the cadence of a whisper, but it's easily heard over the other ponies in the room.
>”Maybe it's because they’re /sharkponies/!”
>She looks left and right before continuing.
>”Their mares already come onto land to drag our stallions to their underwater acropolis, their stallions must mare-hunt on land too!”
>”OI!” Astral shouts with an accusatory point of her hoof, “Shut yer crap, Cloak! No one wants to hear your insane conspiracies, they want to hear mine!”
>With that, Astral scrambles forward, right into Rook’s face.
>”Everypony’s heard the rumors that those upper-class stallions made a /multi-stallion/ herd! Is it true? Did they ask you to join it while eyeing you up?”
>”Ugh,” groans a disgusted Night, “And what, they started kissing each other and let Rookie watch?”
>She follows up by reaching over and roughly shoving Astral back into her seat.
>”Grow up, Officer.”
>You are Anonymous, and you’ve noticed someone standing off to the side, alone.
>Someone you’d actually /wanted/ to be here no less, Silken.
>She’s over by the entertainment center, idly picking through your DVDs.
>Better go check on her.
>Thankfully, you remain (literally) unmolested on your journey through the sea of increasingly drunken mares.
>Most of them have congregated around the living room, but by now the party’s started spilling over into the kitchen.
>It'd /better/ not spill into your bedroom, you’ve already caught Cut’s sister eyeballing the door at least once.
>It's waaaay too early for shit like that.
>Come to think of it, that’s not the only thing she’s been eyeballing.
>Her and just about every other mare has been sneaking peeks at your rear end when they think you’re not looking.
>Hope /that/ doesn’t become a running theme tonight.
>But, putting those thoughts aside, you’re close enough now that you can sneak a peek at exactly what DVD Silken is looking at.
>Uncut Historical Royal Memoirs, 500 AHW (After Hearth’s Warming)?
>”You know, I’m surprised Pike lets you have these.”
>Wow, you’re surprised she heard you coming up behind her with all this noise.
>That’s some Pike-tier hearing right there.
>Speaking of Pike, you take the DVD yourself and laugh a little.
“Oh yeah, she only tolerates these because we let her shit-talk them the /whole/ time.”
>It's a series of historical reenactments, all narrated by Celestia herself.
>Expectedly, Pike had a lot to say about that.
“Last time we watched this she had us take a drink every time Celestia’s flanks were mentioned. It was... a lot more often than I’d expected.”
>Silken chuckles, before snatching the DVD back and sticking it back on the shelf.
>”I can’t blame her for that one. You know, the lead Fleur De Lis, a real slender-type unicorn, right?”
>You nod, apparently she was the only actress tall enough that the crew didn’t need their lead on stilts to make it look authentic.
>”Word is, the Princess wasn’t too happy about her build. So they had to hire an illusion mage to come out just to give poor De Lis a fake flank!”
>Pffffffft no way!
>You can’t decide what’s funnier, how absurd that sounds, or how believable it is that Celestia would go through that trouble.
>Either way, it has the two of you in stitches.
“Jeez, talk about an ego trip!”
>You’ll have to tell that one to Pike later, she’ll eat that up.
>The laughter keeps the two of you going for a while, but not forever.
>Which in the end, leaves you with naught but an awkward silence.
>”Heh, heh... yeah.”
>Shit, you have no idea what to talk about.
>The two of you just sort of stand there for a bit, the conversation awkwardly coming to a screeching halt, made worse by the ever-present noise of the party around you.
>Frankly, you feel pretty bad right now.
>You had Silken come under the pretense this was just going to be a friendly get-together, and now it's been horribly mutated beyond recognition.
>She’s clearly not enjoying herself too, considering she's just standing here off to the side.
>You’d better say something, apologize even.
“Hey, Silken, I’m really sorry tonight turned out like this. There really weren’t supposed to be this many people. I... I don’t even know where most of them came from and—”
>Thankfully, right as you were worried that sentence was getting away from you, she cuts you off.
>”Anon, it's fine. I can tell this is pretty far from the shindig you had planned.”
>As she continues she glances out across the room, grimacing ever so slightly.
>”And it's not /bad/ or anything, but I can’t say how long I’ll stick around. It's not really my scene, you know?”
>Oh, you do know.
>You definitely can’t fault her for that.
>You /could/ kick all these people out but that would be a huge pain.
>Plus you’re pretty sure none of them are total strangers.
>Whichever ones you don’t immediately recognize from the office, Pike seemed to recognize them from the guard.
>So kicking them out would probably just make things horribly awkward for all parties, better to just ride it out and try again another night.
>”But hey, at least I knew one of the ponies who showed up!”
>Suddenly Silken turns away from you and shouts across the room.
>”Eeey~yo?”
>Huh, the shout had an almost musical undertone to like, like a bird chirping.
>Fittingly, the response does too.
>”Eeeyoo~oo!”
>The voices’ source trots out of the crowd shortly after.
> It's a light blue colored Pegasus, with a cutie mark displaying a cloud in front of the sun.
>You don’t recognize her from the office, so with a nickname like “Sunny” you’d have to bet Dayguard.
>”Sunny,” Silken greets her, “I wanted you to meet our host, Anonymous.”
>Sunny smiles at you, it's the kind of sleazy smile a frat dude would give when he realizes he’s not at a sausage party.
>”Ahh our host with the most,” she says, sticking out her hoof. “Sunlit Vista, Wonderbolt.”
>A Wonderbolt? Well, isn’t that serendipitous.
>”Part-time,” Silken mockingly adds.
>”Hey! I’ve flown a whole two missions with them now, I might as well be on the A-team!”
>Oh, dang. Not so serendipitous then.
>She probably knows absolutely nothing about Winder Rider.
>That said, she might have some info you can use.
>You return her hoofbump.
“It's good to meet you, Sunlit. I was actually hoping to run into a Wonderbolt...”
>You are Nocturnal Pike, chillin’ with your sisses.
>You certainly weren’t expecting nearly the whole squad to roll up, but you aren’t complaining either.
> It's nice to do stuff as a group besides poker.
>Cut seems a little overwhelmed, but you’re sure she can handle it. She’s a big filly.
>”Okay, but he’s crazy in the shack though, right? I heard the bratty ones are the stallions who buck like ANIMALS!”
>Astral /must/ have a secret crush on Blueblood or something, she is not letting this go.
>”I-I dunno! I guess? Please, can we change the subj—”
>”Anon, is NOT bratty!” Cut drunkenly yells.
>You nearly facehoof as in an instant all eyes are completely focused on her.
>She, of course, handles this very well.
>Ducking behind her forehooves and letting out an, ”Eeep!”
>With Blueblood all but completely forgotten now, Astral bears down on Cut, grinning like a hyena.
>”But he /does/ buck like an animal, eh?”
>Cut futility tries to retreat further behind her hooves.
>”W-Well I uh, I don’t know if h-he’d be happy with me saying...”
>Luna’s sakes, Cut.
>Like Anon’s ever shied away from bragging.
>Chugging the rest of your drink, you know you’ll need it for what comes next, you answer for her.
“Yeah, he goes pretty hog wild.”
>Cut breathes a visible sigh of relief as once again all eyes shift, this time toward you.
>The mares unfamiliar with him have predictably neutral to impressed reactions, while the mares that know him are a little more varied.
>Astral herself starts laughing triumphantly, while Night and Rook both look a little shocked.
>”I hadn’t pegged him for the type...” Rook mumbles under her breath.
>”WOAHAHAHAH! That’s amazing!” Astral squeezed in between guffaws. “I knew he was a real firecracker!”
>Taking to the air, and spiking your anxiety as she does, she sort of drunkenly flops around in the air.
>She’s attempting to mime something, but you have no idea what until she speaks up again.
>”Ahehe, does he toss you around sometimes? Use that size he’s got to /pin/ you?”
“Yeah.”
>That... you didn’t mean to say that.
>It just sort of slipped out.
>Astral stops mid-air and hangs perfectly still.
>All the hairs on your neck start standing up as everypony seems to lean in toward you just a little bit.
>”Pike... are you into maledom?” she asks.
>Oh stars, poker face don’t fail you now!
“N-No.”
>You dare not open your mouth again, lest you spoil the lie.
>You even try to make eye contact with Astral to sell it, but unfortunately, that seems to backfire.
>She is your best friend after all.
>”YOU TOTALLY ARE!”
>It's an even split among the gathered ponies between surprise and laughter.
>The only exception is Cut, who’s blushing like a tomato and avoiding eye contact with anypony in the room.
>You feel that sister.
>Astrals started laughing so hard she actually fell out of the sky to land back on the chair she was sitting in.
>”Bwahaha! Pike, into maledom! To think I’ve known you for all these years and never knew!”
>You feel your heart start to sink.
>Calm down Pike, this isn’t the end of the world.
>Liking it rough from Anon is hardly the worst secret you’ve been keeping.
“S-So, *ahem* So what? He’s a big guy, I like it when he takes advantage of that.”
>Ooooh you don’t like that look on Night’s face.
> It's the face she makes whenever she’s solved a mystery before anypony else has.
>Smirking, with one eyebrow raised.
>”Noct, is /that/ why you’ve always had a thing for bigger colts?”
>EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
“Well no but...”
>”Come on, Night!” Astral comes to your rescue, “It's probably just natural. She’s like a midget, it’d be impossible for her /not/ to find colts bigger than her! Hahahaha!”
>Normally you’d protest that, and a large part of you wants to, but frankly, you’re much happier that the subject is changing than you are mad about being called short.
>At least for the moment.
>”What about you, Ms. Simp?” Astral abruptly turns on Cut. “Surely Mr. Anonymous must push your buttons in some special way.”
>”Yeah, tell us!”
>The voice nearly makes you jump.
>You’d forgotten that Cloak put herself behind the two of you, she’s been dead silent this whole time.
>Bucking NightStalkers.
>”We’ve got dirt on Pike, now we need yours too!” she continues.
>Luna, you wish she wouldn’t phrase it like that.
>It's clearly got Cut weirded out too, she’s just frantically looking around at everypony and stammering out half-formed syllables.
>Poor Cut.
>Wait, you just had an idea!
>She /could/ really use the ego boost...
“It's that Anon likes to suck her brains out through her tits.”
>Once again, all the conversations stop dead in its tracks.
>This time, shock is the universal expression.
>Everypony silently looks between you, and her.
>Her cheeks burn brighter than the sun as she tries to shift her back legs to hide her generous assets, but it's no use.
>All eyes are on them.
>”Really?” Astral asks.
“Yeah, he’s got a pretty massive fetish for them.”
>Everypony is silent for a moment more, before it's broken by something unexpected.
>Cloak... cheering.
>”AHA! I told you for years! YEARS! And you never believed me! Stallions who like teats DO exist!”
>She slaps Cut right on the back.
>”And look at you now, your dream colt is sucking you silly! You must be the luckiest bitch on the planet!”
>Of all the ponies to have infectious enthusiasm, you never would have expected Cloak to be able to move anypony.
>Yet, as she cheers her sister on...
>”Well I’ll be darned.”
>”What’s it like having your nipples sucked?”
>”I-I always thought mine were a little big, do you think he’d—?”
>The gathered ponies all start smiling.
>Cut herself looks like she has no idea how to react, this is probably the most positive attention she’s had at once in her whole life.
>Eventually though, she starts beaming like the sun.
>”W-Well,” she starts, “It's kind of like...”
>”It was cool meeting you, stal, now if you don’t mind Imma get myself some nachos.”
>You are Anonymous the unicorn, and you bid Sunlit Vista adieu.
>She didn’t have any information about Wind Rider, unsurprisingly, but she did tell you Spitfire herself will be in town within the week.
> Apparently she’s the guest of honor at some foals’ charity thing.
>Score! She’ll be a goldmine, no doubt about that.
>You never expected to make progress on the case tonight, but you suppose the best things in life /are/ surprises.
>As she makes her way back to the snack table, you become dimly aware of the fact that with so many extra ponies, you’re running out of snacks much faster than you expected.
>Shit, you should probably get back to the kitchen and make more at some point.
>”Me and Sunny go way back. All the way back to flight school,” Silken unintentionally interrupts your train of thought.
>”She always wanted to be a Wonderbolt but she could never quite make the cut. I say her making the Dayguard is just as impressive, but what do I know?’
>You turn back to her and shrug.
“The heart wants what the heart wants, I guess.”
>She laughs, but it's got a hard edge to it.
>”Heh, don’t remind me.”
>”ANON!” a voice shouts across the party.
>Looking towards its source, you spy Astral calling you over.
>”Anon get over here!”
>You look at Silken and gesture your head toward the table.
“Come on, let’s see what this is about.”
>She follows without fuss, and the two of you join the group of mares all gathered around Pike and Cut.
>Your heart skips a beat at the way the two of them are literally surrounded, but Cut beaming like a sunflower sets your mind at ease.
>As you and Silken abroach, the circles opens up just a bit, allowing you and Silken to sit down and join them.
>The questions start the moment you do.
>”Did you /actually/ make the cumshot for them!?” Astral nearly shouts.
>Oh, that’s what this is about?
>Kind of a letdown honestly.
“Yeah.”
> Immediately the whole circle dissolves into a dozen other questions and side conversations.
>Some asking about other sex moves, some asking Pike what the shot tasted like, and some asking what the cumshot even was.
>It's chaos.
>Amid the chaos, you feel Silken elbow you from her place next to you.
>”Did you /really/?” she asks.
>You shrug once more.
“Yep, I don’t really know what the big deal about it is. The two of them said it wasn’t even that good.”
>She chuckles at you.
>”You know, most stallions’ would consider their fillyfirends asking them to cum inside a shot glass for them ‘debasing’ and ‘humiliating’.”
“Yeah well, most stallions are on some shit.”
>”Ha!” she chuckles again, “I guess so. Say that reminds me—”
>”WAIT!” This time Astral does shout, “Anon, listen this is important!”
>Not wanting to leave your friend hanging, you refuse to acknowledge Astral at first, instead giving Siken a chance to continue.
>She just nods toward Astral, so you turn towards the mare yourself.
“Hm?”
>Astral leans in and lowers her voice.
>She was shouting before though, so after lowering it she’s back to only ‘nearly shouting’.
>”Have the three of you done anal?”
>She sounds more excited by the prospect than she should.
>Especially since you’re about to let her down.
“God no, absolutely not.”
>”WHAT!?” every mare at the table shouts.
>You’re surprised to see that it included Pike and Cut.
>They’re never even asked you before!
>You guess they just hadn’t worked up the nerve.
>”Why not!?” shouts Astral.
“What do you mean, ‘why not'? It's /gross/ that’s why! I don’t want poop on my dick!”
>”Come on!” she continues, “That’s what /all/ stallions say! You did the freaking cumshot!”
“Yeah,” your annoyance starts creeping into your voice, “And all stallions are /right/ about that one. Why would you even want to do it?!”
>You throw up your hooves in exasperation.
“It's not like there are pleasure nerves IN your butthole!”
>Astral raises her hoof, already trying to fire back.
>”Actually—”
>Only to stop dead as your statement fully dawns on her.
>As she visibly tries to puzzle out a good response, her gaze slowly drops along with her hoof.
>All the way until her hoof is down and she’s staring right at the floor.
>The rest of the circle lapses into awkward silence with her, no one quite able to answer your question.
>Well, until Rook speaks up that is.
>”I dunno, I thought it felt pretty good.”
>This time, you join in as everyone shouts.
“BLUEBLOOD DOES ANAL!?”
>You are Silken Evening, and you’ve really got to respect Anon.
>A lot of stallions aren’t willing to speak half as candidly as he is.
>No double entendres, no hidden feelings.
>What you see is what you get.
>So while everypony is laughing about learning the Prince of Equestria likes to do mares in the butt, you’ve got something to ask him.
“Hey.”
>He’s still giggling when he turns away from the poor mare that just blew the Prince’s secret.
>”Heh, hehehe heehehe. What is it?”
“How would you like to make a couple extra bucks?”
>His face scrunches at your question.
>”Doing... what exactly?”
>Oh Celestia dang it Silken don’t phrase it like that!
>You just made it sound like you’re going to ask him to turn hugs downtown.
“My model just quit, and I need somepony I can trust not to be weird about it.”
>His eyebrow shoots up, you can tell he’s still on the fence.
>”Weird, how?”
>Ugh, you internally groan at the memory.
>It's happened dozens of times over your career at this point, but it's never stopped sucking.
>It always happens the same way too.
>You bring on a promising new model to model your outfits for you.
>You make it clear right from the start that this is strictly a business relationship, and they agree.
>But after a few months, it invariably falls apart.
“The stallions I hire always read too much into it. They model one too many outfits for me and suddenly it becomes, ‘Oh, I can’t stand this tension!’ Or ‘We need to stop playing with each other and admit how we feel!’”
>An HR department would have a field day with the impression you just did of your former employees.
>Anon eats it up though, bringing back the same laughter he only just managed to shake.
>”Bwah hahaha!”
>Which only further proves he’s the right stallion for the job.
“Then I say I don’t poop where I eat and if they don’t quit on the spot, they’ve quit about a week later.”
>Putting your hooves on his withers you look directly into your eyes and /plead/.
“/Please/ ‘Non. I think I’m going to run out of stallions in Canterlot at this rate.”
>If you sounded desperate, it's because you are.
> It's starting to wear on your nerves, especially after the last guy.
>He lasted longer than any of the others, you thought you’d finally found a true business partner.
>Then it all came crashing down /again/.
“You don’t even need to quit your job. Just swing by my place a couple of times a week and let me use you as a mannequin.”
>You’re practically begging at this point.
>He looks away from you to think, but he’s got a smile on his face that gives you a good feeling.
>”Hm, won’t I make a bad mannequin though? I’m not exactly of average build.”
>You don’t even need to think about the words before they come spilling out.
“A little extra work adjusting each outfit is more than worth not needed to find a new model every few months.”
>His smile grows as he meets your gaze once again.
>”Pay?”
“Twenty bits an hour plus a discount on anything you buy from me. I know how much you like dressing up your mares.”
>Out of the corner of your eye you notice that the creeper who was hanging out behind Cut just looked up at you.
>You were about to say something, but before you could she slides back over the backside of the couch and disappears.
>Wierdflank.
>”I’ll do it!” he says, much to your relief.
>Thank Celestia on high.
>You’re nearly crying with joy.
>What a relief.
“Then I’ve got some ideas I want to run by you. Let’s find a little privacy...”
>You are Nocturnal Pike, and it's been a wild night.
>So wild you’re not sure when it's going to end!
>Your squad’s little pow-wow eventually fell apart, scattering everypony across the party.
>So you’ve just been adrift in the sea of ponies.
>Drinking, chatting, and smiling.
>With a heavy emphasis on drinking.
>After talking to some mares from Anon’s office of all places, you’ve come to suspect the one who brought all these ponies here was Cloak.
>She overheard you talking to Astral, and she seemed to spread the word.
>Why though? That’s anypony’s guess.
>Spite? Trying to make her sister make some new friends?
>Beats you.
>You haven’t even seen her around in a while so you can’t even ask.
>The worst part is all the ponies she brought are eating up Anon’s snacks far faster than anypony anticipated! And you can’t have that.
>Luckily he left out all his recipe notes, so while he and Silken are off discussing... whatever they’ve been discussing for the past few hours, it falls to /you/ to finish preparing all the stuff he bought.
>For some reason you’ve got a very strong feeling you shouldn’t be doing this right now, but another sip of cider sends those feelings right down the drain!
>Weeeeeeeeee!
>Take another sip, put some hot sauce in the pot.
>Take another sip, add some cream cheese to the pot!
>Whatever this buffalo dip stuff is, it sure sounds good on paper.
>And, no offense to Anon, you're pretty sure it’ll be better now that /you’re/ making it.
>You are the princess of this kitchen after all.
>”Pike? What are you doing?”
>That voice, it's Astral.
>Which shouldn’t surprise you, half your squad is here tonight after all!
>Which is why you’re in here cooking... for them... in front of them...
>Oh no.
>”Has he seriously got you /cooking/?!” she nearly chokes on her own laughter as she says it.
>”Hahaha! First the maledom thing and now this! I’m learning so much about you tonight!”
>Adrenaline floods your veins, which unfortunately makes all that alcohol you’ve been drinking hit you even harder.
>Don’t panic, whatever you do, don’t panic.
>You can still get out of this, easily.
“Well, uh, yeah. It's a mare’s job to help out and—”
>Astral howls with laughter once again.
>”I cannot believe /the/ Nocturnal Pike is saying this to me right now. Oh mare, if the you of one year ago was hearing this, she’d /flip/!”
>Sure, you might act like you were flipping.
>But deep down...
>No, Pike, focus! Stay on track.
>”HEY!” comes a voice from the floor, “D-DON’T knock Pike’s cooking until you’ve tried it!”
> It's Cut, so sloppily drunk she’s one step away from being passed out.
>She’s even already lying on the floor.
>”Don’t tell my Dad,” she slurs, “But I think she might be even better than him.”
>Suddenly she looks panicked.
>”Wait, don’t tell Cloak I said that either!”
>Come on, Cut!
>That’s a really sweet compliment but REALLY not what you wanted Astral to hear right now!
>Your heart continues to sink as Astral predictably grins.
>”Hey, Night,” she shouts, “Come check this out!”
>Oh no no no no no!
>Not your number one AND your number two!
>Maybe Night didn’t hear her, the party’s pretty loud and—
>—aaaand here she comes.
>”What?” she asks before taking a swig.
>”Check this out!” Astral says, gleefully pointing toward you, “Pike COOKS!”
>”Wha?” Night asks before slowly turning her head towards you.
>Fast as you can, you put the pot you were holding back on the stove and turn the stovetop off.
>You’re /certain/ that by the time she actually looked at you, your wings were empty and nothing was out of the ordinary!
>...Aaaaand she just spit out her drink.
>”What the buck?” she asks, genuinely stunned.
>Okay, this is bad. This is really really bad.
>But it's not the worst! They just know you like cooking... and maledom.
>You can still salvage this!
>”Oh,” comes a fourth voice, “Is this /yours/ then, Sarge?”
>Time seems to slow down, as your body is frozen in horror.
>From between Night and Astral, come a third of your squadmates.
>Cloak N. Dagger.
>And she’s carrying your apron.
>Your colt’s lingerie you occasionally dance around the apartment with while you cook for Anon.
>Oh no. Oh no no no no. Oh no no no no no no.
>You didn’t even notice Astral started talking again.
>”Okay, that is /too/ far you bucking freak. Raiding her stallion’s drawers for his lingerie, what the actual buck is wrong with you?”
>There’s a feeling of tightness in your chest.
>You’re trying to keep a straight face but you can barely breathe.
>Cloak takes a horrified step back, but you don’t even really notice.
>”I-I just saw it with Anon’s stuff a-and thought I’d be funny...” she stammers.
>But you neither truly see nor hear her, all you can manage to focus on is the baby blue apron hanging on her wing.
>Why is that here, /why does she have it/?
>”She’s right, Dagger,” Night adds, “we’ve put up with a lot from you over the years, but that is too much. Do you know how many of our subordinates are here!?”
>You yourself are /keenly/ aware.
>”Besides, that wasn’t even a good joke. Just because she’s into maledom doesn’t mean she’d wear stallion’s lingerie! That’s just cruel!”
>She turns to you.
>”Right P— ... Pike?”
>You must have looked like a fish who’d jumped out of its tank.
>Every fiber of your being is focused on trying not to react, but it's impossible.
>Your poker face is cracking.
>Your chest is so tight you can barely breathe, you want to scream.
>You want to run out the door and keep running until this feeling stops.
>Never in your life have you had a panic attack, but your guard training has thoroughly familiarized you with the symptoms.
>And you’re about to have one, right here in front of your whole squad.
>A thought that makes it so much worse.
>Oh Luna, you’re going to scream, you’re going to—
>”YOU!”
>You are Anonymous, a couple of precious moments before.
>Silken and yourself have been discussing new ideas for the past hour, maybe longer.
>”And that’s what I want to do for my new O&O tie-in line. That just leaves...”
>Unexpectedly, she tails off mid-sentence, something behind you catching her eye.
>”What the buck?”
>Looking over your shoulder you ask, “What is it?” but she doesn’t need to answer.
>Standing there, in the kitchen, is Cut’s sister /holding Pike’s apron/.
>You whirl around to face the bedroom door, seeing it is wide open.
>God damn it, when did she get in there!?
>Whirling back to the kitchen you see a much more concerning point.
>Pike, she’s shaking horribly and gasping for air.
>Oh my God, is she about to have a panic attack?
>You frantically scan the room, thankfully seeing nopony else has noticed yet.
>Fuck, you’ve got to do something fast.
>If she actually has a full-blown panic attack right here, right now...
>To lose her composure like that in front of her squad...
>It’ll kill her.
>Cut’s on high alert too, you can see her scrambling to her hooves in order to try and do something.
>But it won’t be enough, especially since she can barely stand.
>Your mind races, you’ve got to find something that can get all attention off of her and keep it off of her.
>But what!? As long as there are ponies here then—
>Wait, that’s it!
>You’ve got to get them out of here!
>Stallions are known for being bitchy and your reputation is already that of a weirdo!
>You’ll make a bigger embarrassment of yourself right here, right now, than Pike ever could!
>You just need a reason! Some stupid reason!
>Your eyes tear the scenery apart, desperately hoping to find some faux pass you can use before it's too late.
>Then, you see it.
>On the couch there’s a mare from the office drinking from a bottle.
>And putting that bottle on your end table without a coaster.
“Sorry, gotta go!” you say to Silken before pouring magic into your horn.
>This shit has got to be big from start to finish, and you’ve got just the trick up your sleeve to do it.
>In a flash, you teleported across the room directly onto your coffee table and right in front of this mare.
>You appear in a burst of magic and brimstone, sending various cups and bottles flying.
>You don’t even give her a moment to process this before you start shouting.
“YOU!”
>The party goes silent.
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?”
>All eyes are on you and the poor mare.
>Perfect.
>She looks terrified too.
>The table only adds to your already unnatural height, letting you tower over her and the very low couch.
>”Uh, I’m drinking?” she weakly answers.
“And putting that drink down /where/ exactly?”
>She grows increasingly flustered as her eyes look to the end table.
>”O-On the table?”
“Without. A. Coaster?”
>Her eyes widen and she swallows.
>”*Gulp* W-Without a coaster.”
>You stand up to your full height, channeling all the anger you feel towards Cut’s sister for invading your privacy.
“And how many of you have been DRINKING without coasters?”
>You see a good portion of the party raise their hooves and you know you’ve hit the jackpot.
>So before you start smiling, you start shouting.
“GET OUT! ALL OF YOU, OUT!”
>You start pointing around the room at every mare who admitted to forgoing a coaster.
“YOU! OUT OF MY HOUSE! YOU, OUT! I WANT ALL OF YOU OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!”
>For effect you launch out a few lightning bolts, not real ones of course, but that spellbook said they were so authentic they ‘might start a stampede'.
>And boy do they.
>All the mares you called out immediately charge for the door, usually leaving their drinks where they lie.
>Even the ones you didn’t call out have started nervously eyeballing it.
>You need more.
>Time to go even more unhinged.
>Without missing a beat, you point at one of the mares from your office.
“YOU! Your coat color is UGLY! UGLY UGLY UGLY! THE ONLY MARE THAT KEPT YOU FROM CLASHING WITH MY CARPET IS GONE! GET OUT!”
>She and a few others waste no time booking it, revealing something you hadn’t seen.
>There, on the living room carpet, some nacho cheese.
>Nacho cheese that had been there for hours and been stamped /INTO THE CARPET/.
>Instantly the rage stops being an act.
>Pointing right at the stain you scream your loudest scream yet.
“WERE ALL OF YOU RAISED IN A FUCKING BARN!? DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT’S GOING TO TAKE ME TO CLEAN!? GET THE FUCK OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!”
>You hold your scream on that last word, all the while firing off lightning bolt after lightning bolt.
>Even Astral and Night are fleeing for their lives now, leaving only Cut, Pike, Silken, and yourself.
>The last one out the door is actually Cloak, and right as she’s crossing the threshold you send out a dozen hands to pick her up and toss her the rest of the way out.
>The last you hear of her is a painful-sounding thud as you slam the door behind her.
>Once the door is closed and you’re sure they’re gone, you relax.
>All the energy you had left you so fast you nearly tumble off the table.
>You catch yourself at the perfect moment though, and instead safely step down.
>Thank God for Pike’s low-ass furniture.
>Before you can address Pike, the sound of clapping distracts you.
>It's Silken, her jaw is nearly on the floor, but she’s clapping.
>”That was... wow,” she says.
>You trot over to her.
“Tha—”
>Holy shit, your voice is so horse (heh) /you/ could barely hear yourself.
“*Ahem ahem ahem* Thank you.”
>Damn you’re definitely losing your voice after that.
“I’m sorry Silken but I’m going to have to ask you to leave too.”
>She shrugs.
>” It's fine, I get it. Go make sure she’s okay.”
>And just like that, she takes off straight out the window Astral originally came in.
>You waste no time after that, sprinting back over to the kitchen where you find Cut wordlessly huddling over Pike, shielding her from the world.
>As you approach, she leans back so you can see.
>Pike totally passed out, but not before throwing up all over poor Cut’s underside.
>Looks like all the adrenaline and alcohol took their toll.
>You pat Cut on the shoulder for a job well done.
“Good going, Cut. Now let’s get you two cleaned up and all of us into bed.”
>You’ll have to chat with Pike about what happened, but not now.
>Now it is time for bed.
>And if there’s one upside to all of this, you’ve learned one thing for sure tonight.
>When it comes to making sure parties are wild, you’ve still got it.
Not need to worry about us, but thank you nonetheless!
And man that wait was worth it! All of these secrets coming out at once and Cut's sister is something else. Loving how the three are truly ensync with each other.
Mmmm, yeah, there's my sweet, sweet hit of the good stuff.
5702592
Sure is. Just saw it on ponepaste, had to check it here. Thanks, SQA.
Entertaining as ever, while managing to advance a number of plot and character threads, too.
I just have to read responsibly and stretch it out over a few weeks aaaaaand I just finished the whole thing in one go.
It was just too good...
5702585
I know what it's like to be on the other end waiting for updates, so I do always feel bad leaving people on the hook. And thank you!
5702592
Ahhh, thank you!
5702612
You're welcome! Always glad to entertain!
Excellent next chapter, very good, I like this. And I very much like how things beginning to be revealed to the trio's social life and all that. Also the final part where the guardsmares see Anon having an utter 'mental breakdown' might actually make them thing some...I don't know why but I feel like in a sense of irony, some of them beginning to think its actually a type of toxic relationship behind closed door with Anon being the toxic one.
5703051
On one hand i can see that but on the other is somewhat farfetched.
But the chapter was very good, as someone else take you time to make them fleshed out. This story made me like the RGRE-fic's(the non-human). Also waiting silken x anon pairing. Pike and Cut one of the best OC i have seen so far.
Keep up the good work and live good!
Saw Bobbles posting of the un-green-text-ed version and didn't think until to to check if there was more in a post here. Glad I did.
Ho-Ly Shit, Anon. Way to save your mare, even if you kinda forgot about the original goal with the cheese (granted, that is just plain rude on the guests part.) I do look forward to seeing what comes of this in terms of confronting pikes upbringing, and what the potential fall out is for this party.
I've been loving this story. It been one of the most relatable HIE/RGRE stories I've seen.