Unfortunately I must re-up another satire · 9:54am Nov 25th, 2022
Politico: Harvard paper to central banks: Buy Bitcoin!
Luckily, I already satirized this:
Relevant excerpt from my story (spoiler):
The door to Zipp's chambers slammed open and Pipp barged in, a pair of guards playing tinny electronic fanfares on their phones just behind her. "Zipp!" she shouted, flaring her wings angrily. "Why is all the Bit Coin you gave me and my agent now worthless? He's so upset he's impot—"
"It's a volatile market, I can't control its ups and downs."
Zipp continued counting bills.
"Why do you have... what is that, a million?!"
"Three point four million."
"Why do you have three point four million in cash?"
"I sold all my Bit Coin yesterday."
"You started the crash?"
"No, the crash was baked in once ponies started causing electrical brownouts by spending all their time and effort mining new Bit Coin."
Pipp fumed, frowning.
"You're cute when you're mad," Zipp said.
"I am not!"
"Mad because small."
"Mad because broke! You made me tell my Pippsqueaks lies and now they're furious at me! They all bought Bit Coin and now it's worthless..." It dawned on Pipp, her face turning red in rage. "They bought it from you! All this money was my Pippsqueaks' money!"
"Well, not... all of it."
Haven barged in.
"Good news!" the Queen said. "I've put the Sovereign Wealth Fund into Bit Coin!"
Considering how crypto is crashing and on fire all over the place, because it turns out everybody in the crypto scene was incompetent, mendacious or most often both, the people pushing it now are either spectacularly naive or desperate to unload their crashing crypto "assets" before they lose their shirts.
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I can't find the exact source, but someone recently said something along the lines of, "Crypto was fine when it was for buying drugs on the dark web. When rural dads started using it to pretend they were rich day traders is when it got ruined."
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I have to appreciate how that phrasing skirts around the question of who encouraged rural dads to buy cryptocurrencies in the first place. They weren't the ones who bought a Super Bowl ad for the stuff.
Today's currency is based on faith. No one operates on the Gold Standard. That's why the American dollar continues to reign as the number one most secure currency. There's about 250 years of history behind it. The last 150 years (approximately), the U.S. government's been the most stable government on Earth.
Cryptocurrency has a tiny fraction of that history. It's getting its first real stress test, and it's failing.
The world of finance has always been extremely conservative. The rank and file will always run to the most secure option when the chips are down.
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Should we talk about all the governments it went out of its way to destabilize?
Still, the fact that it's so far away from Europe and Asia as to be effectively immune to reprisal did allow it to escape the World Wars comparatively unscathed.