Nanananana~

There's one advantage of being in Russia: your birthday comes a few hours earlier. Like, now, it's already the 25th here. Kewl, right? So, yeah, twenty-nine... Ain't that a milestone? (Miles-stone, if you wish.) Just to think how much has happened since my last birthday.

- I have written a few good stories and have achieved quite a few friends and followers

- I have become the father of a wonderful boy

- I have lost my uncle, but I've overcome

- I have smoked about 60 packs of cigarettes

- I have set up a nifty business

- I have started my opus magnum, FoE: Time Lord's Plight, the story which I consider to be my best, as of yet.

- I have created a universe of The Snow on Her Cheek, which is kinda neat.

Even though I have done all of that, I realise that I will get old in a year; so, I still have some things to do:

- Finish all my fics

- Write a book

- Meet Acreu and Bandy IRL

- Have a hot gay threesome with Acreu and Bandy

- Attend BUCK

- And many other things I'll probably list later, when I'm not so sleepy.

Thank you, guys, for sticking to me. I really appreciate that. Special thanks to those of you who have made art, composed music and done dramatic readings of my fics for me. To know that I have been an inspiration, in some way, in any way, feels like an achievement. Very special thanks to the Jazzy Filly Foolers, my friends and fellow bronies, the people who make my life a little brighter every single day.

Even though I haven't got any presents (apart from a present from my wife that I know of: a special hardcover edition of Joyce's Ulysses! Just amazing: I'll get to re-read it right after re-reading Rushdie's The Ground Beneath Her Feet and compare their styles and stream-of-consciousness narration!  /British literature geek end), I'm still terribly happy. I mean, the very existence of you guys, my real-life friends, my family, the Brony community, and so on, is the best present I could ever get.

So, now I'll celebrate by getting some sleep, and expect some updates later today! (Like, in the afternoon or something.) If Kody manages to edit the stuff I'll send him, that is.

~Josh

Good evening, chiiiiiiildren. This is Three-Josh, and the JFF radio has an important public service announcement.

Some people are rich. Some people are poor. That is the course of life, and we can do nothing about that. But sometimes, a person gets in a desperate situation, and only our compassion and humanity can help them. So, if you have PayPal and have a slightest desire to have some amazing pony art done by a skilful artist, I ask you to hit this link  and see what you can do. If had PayPal and wished for art, I would have already commissioned dozens of pictures. But since I don't, I'd better leave all the open slots (there are few) for all of you who need them. Do it, children. Do it right now.

This was Three-Josh. We are Radio Free FimFiction, and we're here for you.

~Josh

P.S. Don't feed the Yao Guai. That is all.

26 hours awake. And counting. Aaaaand counting. Who needs sleep anyway? Never thought I'd take the phrase 'Moscow never sleeps' literally. -_-

Oh well. Lack of sleep is good for writing or something. And, since I don't want to spam you with blog posts this week, some outlines:

1. Not working on stories currently because I'm busy as a fat meaty fucktard. But I hope I'll find at least an hour or two to work on stuff.

2. When I lack sleep, I become very sappy. Like, now, I'm so damn happy that so many good OctaScratch writers have appeared on the horizon recently. Like Terrasora, Syvvak, DoctorSpectrum and Mariacheat-Brony. I remember the times when they were readers of mine. *Sniff* *Sniff* They grow up. *Goes away sobbing*

3. I hear about the disaster in Oklahoma. My sincere condolences to all of you people over there. Such a terrible disaster... I can only pray it will all be all right.

4. MandoFire. Goddangit, I'm late to the party again. -_-

Must resist the overwhelming urge to write a fluffy shipfic about the new OTP.

5. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

So, I have this habit of getting rid of old things on my birthday. It's an obsessive tradition, really: every birthday of mine, I throw away old stuff, mentally preparing myself for the new. Yes, I'm crazy just like that. In my defence, I can say I have been diagnosed with OCD. So, yeah, seeing as my birthday is on the 25th, that is, in less than a week, I decided to run through some old drafts that'd been lying round and about on my laptop for a while. (Since today has been the only day off for me...) Aaaand look at what I've found! This is actually a part of a potential fic about Doctor Whooves; a fic I won't write, of course. But it's still kinda funny to look at what I've written, given that it dates as far as October.

Cornflakes.

It all started with cornflakes. While most good fellas will assure you that there is nothing wrong with this delicious and by no means fattening treat, I beg to differ. Cornflakes are evil. They are the sinister abomination that Time Lords stumble upon, crushed into misery and nothingness.

Now that we have this cleared up, I may as well begin.

***

"There is no way I'm doing it. Not in this Universe, Twilight."

"Oh, but you are."

Now, don't get me wrong. This Twilight gal? She's a diamond. A true diamond: shining, beautiful and enigmatic, a mare that even a stallion of my calibre would cast an eye upon - but at the same time a little sharp along the edges, if you get what I mean. Sure, there is a favour or two such a prepossessing Time Lord as I am would do for a mare, being a gentlestallion and all. But sorting out all her books - and there were gazillions of them, believe me: I've counted - surely wasn't on the list of things I would do out of a fair sense of courtesy.

"You're doing this, Doctor, or else you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight."

"But I am sleeping on the couch already! You're not a very generous host, you know?"

"If it is generosity you are longing for, Rarity is always present at the Boutique. My virtue is Magic." A smile played upon Twilight's lips, the kind of cocky grin mares are so eager to throw round and about, not unlike flowers at the wedding ceremony. "Besides, it's not like you have another place to stay in Ponyville."

Ouch. Low blows like that are one of the main reasons as to why I usually try to avoid messing with mares at all costs, the primary, though, still being the fact that they would easily drag a good-natured fella to the good old wedding altar, shall he be taken by humble naïveté. Not that I hold a lifelong grugde against couples - by no means! Nothing wrong with stallions walking along the streets hoof-to-hoof with their wives, goofy smiles plastered upon their faces, each singing, Oh, look! I'm in an official relationship! and what-not. I'm just not the type of fella to fall for a single girl and tie myself to her by eternal binds of marriage. Besides, it would hinder my time-space travelling a lot.

After swallowing a cupful or two of the old liquid our Prench friends would call thé, I felt invigorated for the rest  of the day. This old body of a Time Lord started to make its way to the bookshelves - if that chaotic shrine of paperwork that Twilight had could be qualified as "a few bookshelves in need of sorting".

"I'll make breakfast!" Twilihgt shouted towards my back, sending an arching shiver down my spine. "Cornflakes?"

"Exquisite," I replied, not changing the unwavering course.

And this, ladies and gentlecolts, is where I made a grave mistake, much more grave than that one time when I somehow got obssessed by the idea that suggesting a ménage à trois with Luna to Celestia would be the right course of action. No, ladies and gentlecolts. This misstep was the last drop in the ocean of eternal hatred that the Universe kept sending in my direction. I underestimated cornflakes. If only I had had enough wits to avoid the tempting offer, everything would have been all right, straight-forward and what-not. Still, lacking in those priceless wheels that stir one's brain, I humbly agreed.

"Doctor?" I heard Twilight's voice from across the library, shining with concern. "Can I ask you something?"

"If you want sex, I'm free on Saturday," I replied, not diverting my attention from the difficult and energy-consuming task at hoof.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't stab you with a kitchen knife."

"Aww, you're so cute when you're angry like that!"

With that being sad, I turned the old lump of clay round and directed my legs towards the kitchen table, where an infuriated (and slightly embarrassed, to my pleasure) unicorn was thoroughly observing a packet of cornflakes. Now, that certainly made the rusty wheels in the old coconut turned round quite vigorously. I mean, sure, one can find some curious information on the packet of something-or-the-other, like nutricious value and what-not, but studying it with such dedication? What could the possible reason behind that be?

I turned my gaze towards the aforementioned packet of the cheap breakfast in curiosity and, ladies and gentlecolts, it struck the old mind pretty hard, if hard is the word I'm thinking of. Apart from the usual nonsense, like A packet of cornflakes a day keeps the nutrition away and Eat healthy - choose other products, a very peculiar image crowned the very middle of the front side.

My photograph.

Yes, ladies and gentlecolts, as ridiculous as it may seem, the picture of yours faithfully, with the trusty sonic screwdriver and TARDIS and everything that usually goes in the full complectation of a Time Lord, was smiling at me from the packet of those Celestia-damned cornflakes, eyelids half-closed in mockery. The old visage was screaming at the potential customer something along the lines of "I'm so happy because I eat cornflakes all day long!" or "One of one Time Lords choose cornflakes!" - or probably both. Still, this particular fact made me seriously reconsider my luck.

You see, that day, Lady Luck was angry at me, for some reason - or, what is more to be believed - for no particular reason at all.

Hehe, that's nice, actually. I like that little excerpt. Now, back to work. My hopes of going home by Saturday? Popped like a toy balloon. Oh well, seems I'll be spending my birthday here. -_-

Cheers.

~Josh

All right, guys. I'm really, really sorry, but I just can't publish ITAF and An Island this weekend. Really, really sorry about that. I mean, look, when I was giving ETAs, I didn't know I would have to spend the whole Friday night up working on the goddman papers that I had to rewrite, like, three times! The last time was because I failed at Russian punctuation. Stupid me. *Sigh*

So, I cannot give you the chapters, and now I believe that sneak peeks would be too spoilery. So, instead, have some quotes from the upcoming chapters, just to give you some idea as to what will be going on.

It Takes a Foal:

"You... you killed them!"

"Octavia."

"You killed them!"

"Not personally. I ordered to kill them. There's a crucial distinction."

"Innocent. And here I was, thinking that assassinating a pony deprived one of such a title."

"I can't stand it. I can't, Tom. I don't want to witness it all. I want to go away."

"And *hic* thass why I'm gonna have the hottess threesome ever! Or, actually, make it a foursome. That way, Keys gets some action and I get to *hic* rut Sssilver!"

An Island:

"More like a left-tenant, right?"

"...Yes, that's my rank."

"You navy ponies could never get jokes."

"You know, on second thoughts, this wasn't such a good idea..."

"Tavi, before we die here, I need to tell you something! It's really important!"

"What, Vinyl?"

"I-"

All right, hope this will leave you sated for a while. Cheers! ^_^

~Josh

*Sniff* I'm just so happy... *Sniff* *Sniff* *Dries tears of happiness*

Sorry, guys. I just got a little emotional. *Sigh* Can you believe what an amazing occasion occurred some time ago? Yes, that's right! My very first real piece of hatemail! *Trumpets blare* I'm just so happy! Finally, someone who strongly dislikes my fics without giving justification! I feel like I have achieved something in my life.

Look. Look at its beauty.

Ok. I'm sorry, this was a very rough read. The protagonist is irritating, unrelatable in almost every front, and Gliss' sudden change at the end is so surreal to me. The "conflicts" in this story was odd to say the least. Between Lyra and Scratch (two otherwise very liberal ponies) spending a good amount of the story chattering about rock and roll, Gliss' Bisexuality (could have been done much better), and the romance was also horrendously handled. And who leaves porn on their damn table?

This story was dreadful in my eyes, but nonetheless it have some damn hilarious lines and some silly premises at times. "Do you know where your parents keep the horn condoms?"

I know this seems rather harsh and whiny, so let me offer some advice. Read "the essentials". As in the works of famous writers (Scott Orson Card, James Moriarty, Edgar Allen Poe, Ernest Hemingway and so forth). If it makes you feel better, I am only beginning to do this now.

Anyway, if I were to rate this, I would give it a C. For the most part, it's grammar and spelling is decent enough, and the sheer humor of some scenes in this are just too good to rate it badly. Plus your word count is immense.

With some practice, and some daily visits to Tv Tropes.org, you could make some brilliant stories.

Peace.

Now, all I need to do is visit some Tv Tropes.org and go re-read some authors I didn't like! I never knew writing was so easy! ^_^

Now, seriously, though. I'm posting this here to get a message across: when criticising someone's work, give justification. If you think the characters are unrelatable, say why they are unrelatable. If you think the plot is weak, say why it's weak. And so on. Because otherwise, it's just an opinion. (Which is good, too; but if you pretend to give advice/criticism, then do give elaborate advice/criticism, please.)

Now, I'm gonna go celebrate, if you'll excuse me.

~Josh

P.S. I strongly prohibit to dislike the aforementioned (and quoted) comment. This is my first piece of baseless criticism and I want to put it on the fridge as soon as I'm back home. So, dislikes are a no-no!

P.P.S. New chapter will be ready when I rewrite it to make Gliss seem less 'unrelatable'.

Just kidding! New chapter is almost ready, goosies! ^_^

What in the name of holy fuck is going on? I click to check my stories, and half of the page is in italics! The tags, the title, the description - everything! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG? I swear, if knighty's doing some shit again, I'll rageaaweifjawoehijqaozsuidhkjfjwqszdvkjskldbfv,jn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111oenojneoneoneon111!!!!

I've been really busy for the past few days, and will be busy for a couple of weeks, so I'm posting this blog so that you may know when to expect new chapters.

UPDATES:

It Takes a Foal: New chapter being written, 15% complete, ETA May 18-19th.

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum: New chapter being written, 80% complete, ETA May 18-19th.

The Best Flyer in Al of Equestria: New chapter being rewritten from scratch (because I wasn't satisfied with how it turned out), 40% complete, ETA May 21-22nd.

FoE: Time Lord's Plight: New chapter being written, 50% complete, ETA late May to early June.

A Farewell to the Arms, a Welcome to the Hooves: All work frozen, 10% of new chapter written, ETA late June to early July.

NEW STORIES:

Mad Mares: 1st chapter being written, 60% complete, ETA May 28-29th.

This is Vinyl Scratch: 5% done, ETA late June to early July.

The Gladiator: outlined; not started writing yet, ETA early June.

All dates are subject to change. Do not send me hatemail, because my space fire monkeys are the one responsible for organising my writing schedule.

~Josh

~Josh

Tell me, people, don't you just like it when amazing guys and gals make fan stuff for your stories? I know I do!

So, the Godlike Angel of Sweet British Voice, Scribbler, did a reading of Constellations - and an awesome and very professional one at that, with a lot of acting and powerful emotion! I was really surprised by that and immensely honoured. ^_^

Watch it below, and, for the sake of all that's holy, like it and subscribe to her! Also, she is a great author and I still have her EqD-Featured story (yes, she's amazing like that) in my To Read Later list. So, follow her here on Fimfiction as well.

Not that I make you do it. Just, do it. Because she's awesome and deserves popularity.

P.S. If you ever decide to do some fan art/music/side-stories/etc etc, don't forget to send me the links, kay? Also, all of you people who have done dramatic readings and music (I'm looking at you, Toni) and stuff for my fics, please send me the permanent links to your Fan Fantastic Creations (that I have really loved, and still admire greatly) so that I can post them all in one post on my profile page on May 25th, my brithday! ^_^

P.P.S. Changed the profile page a little. Now 20 per cent more jazzy!

Love you all~