Standing amidst a crowd of thousands, livestreamed to millions, a man of average build and dressed in military blues walks to the podium, stumbling a bit over the steps, The audience hears the fumbling of the microphone, takes this as a sign that the speech is about to start and quickly goes silent.

"Hello, everyone. My name is Evenfall, and we are all gathered here today to celebrate the day of irritating birds and the passing of one of the greatest soldiers I have ever known." A shift of note cards, then he begins again. "Blueshift died today, on the twenty-second of November, to ensure that his comrades would have escaped that ship straight out of District 9 and that the Earth would be safe from the alien menace. Blueshift was funny man, that was for sure. A heavy weapons expert, Blueshift was a decorated colonel in the military and a part of the highly controversial XCOM project. He was a proud bearer of The Gift, and was selected by God or something to be the newest in a line of psionic candidates to combat what we now assume to be the impending Reaper threat."

The crowd shifts a little in distress, but quickly becomes complacent when they bring their XCOM Incorporated Official Blueshift The Writer plushies -- trademark -- that they all were given at the entrance of the hall. They were told they were free, but a team of highly trained ninja elephants were presently picking the pockets of each and every audience member. They didn't suspect a thing. All the while, the speech went on, and Evenfall continued to ramble about.

"... absolutely refused to wear any armor save for his grammy's sweater..."

"... thought the Lorax was a perfectly acceptable military role model..."

"... only known XCOM member to play a chess game with an Ethereal and win. There. I believe we've listed his accomplishments! In conclusion, Blueshift was also a homogay faggot brony who wasted his time in the barracks writing fanfiction instead of doing anything productive. However, deplorable as the act may be, I say that in honor of his sacrifice, we should all take out our XCOM brand tablets, trademark, and read all of his stories on repeat! Please leave a check for three thousand dollars as you leave, and thank you for coming out today!"

Little did Evenfall know, many people in the world would heed his request. Three-quarters of those people committed suicide shortly after. Half of the remainder required medical treatment. The other half was perfectly fine. However, half of that masturbated furiously to every story of Blueshift's. The children thereby grew up thinking that ponies were the hottest shit ever and that other women weren't worth the trouble so long as they had napkins and a bottle of lotion. And all this was because Blueshift decided to get off on the left side of bed this morning.

The End.