A So-Called "Writer" · 11:14pm
Some inane ramblings of mine turned out in the middle of the night/morning:
You know, I learned something today; procrastination is the death of all motivation…
I consider myself a writer; I guess I can be called something like that by the loosest definition of the word. I haven’t written anything that wasn’t related to a school project in several years. The only time I have written for “leisure” is when I was put under duress by some peer, preaching that ‘I could do better if I just applied myself.’
I’ve been applying myself kind of like how wet tape applies itself to a fat man on a summer day; that is to say, I haven’t. Perhaps the reason I always talk myself out of writing, either on purpose or inadvertently, is because I’m afraid of some sort of failure.
I read a lot of fanfiction, in many fandoms. At this point in time, most of my reading has to do with the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fandom. There are some upsides and some downsides to this. Upsides being the copious amounts of enjoyment I get from reading such stories, with the added negative side effect of nearly giving me a complex. I think the reason why I don’t end up writing more is that I am afraid of ridicule. I say I like to get constructive criticism, but I can’t bring myself to take I, whcn it would be so much easier to not do anything at all; If I weren’t to write anything, I wouldn’t get compared to another writer.
I know I’m supposed to write for myself, to write because I want to, not because of the dopamine rush I get from reading a positive review of my work. I know that it’s supposed to be some self-gratification in finishing a piece of writing that is supposed to be the be-all-end-all of my literary endeavors, but as petty as it may sound, the reassurance does wonders for one’s flagging self-esteem.
So, with all of the reasons for writing, there logically isn’t a reason why I sit on my ass and not write, there is no excuse. Most of the time, I simply just don’t get around to writing. I get caught up in consuming so much media and literature that I run out of hours in the day to reciprocate the gesture. Stupid reason, I know.
I went to a panel today at JAFAX 18, and the speaker told me that if I have a real ‘passion’ for something, nothing will get in my way of doing what I love to do. She also told me that there is a difference between a passion and an ‘interest’. The ‘interests’ wane, while the passions are lifelong. There are times where I wonder whether my penchant for writing is truly a ‘passion’ like I’ve always thought it was, or if it’s just a passing interest; the end to a long-running ‘phase’.
One of the other things I was told was to just ‘do it’. I haven’t been doing that, obviously, otherwise there will be other evidence of my writing somewhere on my computer, in my room, or on the internet somewhere… well, hopefully this piece makes a change of that.
Maybe I will get into writing more and actually live up to my thought of myself as an ‘author’, and quit being a joke.